5 years and 133 days
The date is 2-5-1006
I am Anonymous, and I’ve been here for over half a decade now
Even now I remember coming here like it was yesterday.
During a visit to a historical ritual site of a cult, I had accidentally pricked my finger while examining some of their tools. Then a portal opened, and I just jumped in without really thinking about it.
Why were cultists working on a portal to a land full of cartoon ponies? Who knows, people are strange.
Not like I could go back and change that, I’m stuck here now. This is my new home.
Of course, me being a human and all didn’t go over well in the beginning. After appearing in the middle of Ponyville, and causing quite a mass panic I was ran out of town.
And what a panic it was, I was almost lynched by its inhabitants and subsequently almost was blasted by the Elements of Harmony. After a bit of running, I was backed up into the woods, and somehow eventually managed to talk the Elements down to a good old interrogation.
Once they realized that I wasn’t going to be any kind of threat, nor was I some bio-engineered monstrosity from the Gryphon Empire, they were quite kind. Hell, they were essentially fighting to be my friend.
While I was being questioned, I let them know that I was a history teacher and had come through a portal from a different world.
This peaked Twilights interest, who basically begged me to move in with her and work at her library as an assistant.
It didn't pay good, and Purple Smart never stopped picking my brain to figure out how I thought, or trying her “experiments” on me to see how I ticked, but it was still a job and not many people were hiring.
So I’d been quite content in the humble position of assistant librarian
That is, until news came about a massive diplomatic blowup with the Gryphons
Such a simple statement from one diplomat or another about Equestrian ore independence had apparently been blown out of proportion
The damage control was handled extremely poor, and I had a talk with Twilight about it.
“Listen Twi, all I’m saying is that the offending diplomat should just apologize” I added “and if that doesn’t work he should be fired. That’ll calm the Gryphons down enough to talk about this.”
“Anon, that’s genius! Why aren’t the diplomats half as smart as you.” Twilight remarked
While it did feel good to have my ego stroked, it was pretty frightening to know that the diplomats here couldn’t even think of offering an apology, no matter how much they hated the Gryphons.
Not even a day later I was in the throne room, surrounded by dozens of diplomats and Celestia herself, telling them possible options to return the diplomatic ties to their normal status
They all stood around me, listening to my suggestions of ways to reconcile their relations.
“Is that all? That sounds… simple.” Celestia remarked.
I sighed a bit and repeated myself. “So yes, just apologize. If it doesn’t work, fire your diplomat and have him replaced. And if that still fails, then you need to give them a better deal on the ore trade of you want to have a good relationship with they Gryphon Empire.”
To my surprise, they followed my instructions to the letter.
Soon after this, I was offered a place in the Foreign Ministry and soon had risen to the position of the lead minister.
Various ponies had described my methods as anywhere from dishonest and rude to downright unethical. They were right, but all this was done in the interest of Equestria.
Like the time I bargained with Diamond Dogs to have them no longer kidnap ponies in exchange for having exclusive rights to their mines.
Or when I had the yaks sign a deal that had them give up almost half of their lands so we could have pony settlers move in, in exchange for protection from the changelings.
However, no crisis had ever arisen from a case that had landed on my desk, not yet at least.
Even if she didn't agree with how the results were obtained, Celestia agree with the results themselves.
The only thing Celestia didn’t agree with was my suggestions to form the army.
I tried to plead with her. “Celestia, I have experience in this field. It’s plain the Gryphons don’t really like us, and the Changelings could come back at any minute. We need a standing army. Even something like reserve forces could make both the Gryphons and Changelings think twice before trying anything.”
Celestia shrugged this off. “Anonymous, Equestria has both me and my sister, the Elements of Harmony, the royal guard, and could call on the wonderbolts if a crisis occurred. We don’t even have the ponies willing to join an army, and wouldn’t know where to begin with forming it again.”
Sometimes I hated the way she spoke down to me, like a mother lecturing a child. But as much as I hated it she was my boss, and the person who paid me.
I had settled into this job, and after many headaches, migraines, and ulcers from the stress I had proven my worth as lead minister.
And so it was that I was now rushing to the throne room, before the sun had even risen, at the personal request of Celestia herself
The alicorn seemed to be in a tizzy, completely different from her usually well composed self. Her mane was frazzled and there were heavy, dark circles under her eyes.
“Woah Celestia, you look like shit. Are you ok? And what’s so important that you have to wake me at sunup? You know I like sleeping until noon.” I said while adjusting my suits tie.
As soon as she heard me, she turned and levitated a suitcase and trotted up to me.
“Anonymous, my apologies for the short notice but I haven't the time to explain. I need you to step in as governor of Equestria for the time being.” She half shouted in a hurry.
She turned and prepared to take off. As she spreads her wings, I held up my hands to give her pause.
“Whoa, hold on Celestia. This is a bit much to spring on me all at once. First off, why not Luna, and why would ponies accept a human as their leader?”
She rolled her eyes and said “Did I not just say there's no time? Luna has not yet had time to garner the trust she lost in the Fall, and they will accept you because there is a royal decree drafted and being announced come sunrise. I've wasted too much time as it is, I'll be taking Twilight as well. Good luck, Anonymous.”
With that, Celestia took off into the pre-dawn morning and rocketed away from Canterlot.
I stood there a moment, in shock and bewildered. Me as leader of Equestria? There’s no way this could end well. I heard a cough behind me, and I turned about and find an auburn coloured, bookish looking pony behind me.
She looks as terrified about this as I felt, but I’m the leader now, I can't let such things show. I had to follow Celestia's usual example of stoicism .
With a deep breath, I gave her as gentle a smile as I could.
“Good morning, who might you be?”
The pony, an Earth pony to my surprise, took a deep breath before speaking. ”My name is Cursive Quill. I'm one of Princess Celestia's assistants, she appointed me to ease you into this position.”
I noticed the nearly bursting saddlebags, paper sticking out from the openings.
“Is all that important? Do I need to memorize anything?” I said with a smile to try and lighten the mood.
Cursive Quill smiled back, and replied “No, well actually… nothing besides some proper court manners. But you are, or were, the lead minister of Foreign Affairs so you should know most of this already.”
Looking over the balcony into the streets of Canterlot, I saw the morning sun begin to rise and the hum of people beginning their daily routines.
With a long, suffering sigh, I gave Quill a hollow smile.
“Well then, let's get to work running this kingdom.”