Well, this is kinda boring. After a nice, long sleep after being chased by a very unhappy Apple Jack, Skitter woke me up, gave me a map that led to the school I was supposed to go to, and then Scatter teleported me out of the door. What was really impressive was how those two changelings managed to get my teeth and mane brushed mix teleport, but I’ll assume that was magic. Anywho, the map was actually well made, and I found myself sitting outside of the school building with my journal.
The problem is, I got here at the ass crack of dawn, and I’ve been sitting here since. You know, I wish I asked somebody when the school opens, so I could get some extra sleep. You know the nice, bountiful sleep I got last night? Well, here’s a nice, big yawn for you to see how fruitful last night’s sleep was. On the bright side, now Luna knows what ‘giving the bird’ meant. I’m assuming she is verbally giving the bird to Celly, since she kinda lacked the fingers required to do said gesture.
“Do you need something?” A dark pink earth pony asked. Behind her was a bunch of fillies, including the Crusaders from yesterday. Why are all these little fuckers wide awake? I woke up four hours ago and I’m about ready to pass out and die. Heck, in school, I would’ve fallen asleep on the bus, missed the stop at school, and then been an hour late to class. God damn, you horses must have an amazing sleep schedule.
Also known as actually having a sleep schedule.
“Oh yeah, three of your students asked if I could come in during show and tell. I agreed, and here I am,” I said before moving out of the way of the front door. “Their names are Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Bell.” The mare nodded, before going to unlock her school’s door. Every foal in front of me, excluding the crusaders, were pointing their hooves at me and whispering. Great, this is like the time some eighth graders said I was short.
I was only five foot five, thank you, asshats.
“By the way, Mr. Fruit, show and tell usually starts at noon. For your sake, however, since you look awful right now, we'll begin after I take attendance,” how the fuck did she…
“You know me?” I asked.
“Of course. You stopped the changeling invasion at Canterlot and performed a comedy show at Princess Cadence’s wedding reception. It’s all over the news…” the teacher said. “And everypony in town knows about how you knocked out Trixie, a much more magically gifted unicorn than many in town, without using any magic at all,” she added. Oh sick, I’m a celebrity now, and it isn’t even for comedy. The comedy show was literally two songs long and both were about love!
I followed the whole class into the school building, which was more like a school house. The whole thing was just one room, with a chalkboard, lines of desks, a desk for the teacher herself, and little shelves where the kids left their stuff at. Aside from the lack of computers, the place was nicer than my college. Sure, there weren't any electrical lights, but there was enough natural light that it wasn’t a problem. I took a seat in the back of the room to stay out of the way.
“Good morning class!” The teacher said,
“Good morning, Ms. Cherilee!” The children droned out. Ah, so that’s the teacher’s name.
Man, what was everybody’s problem with not saying their name? Like I know the idiot making all of this well, reality, couldn’t figure out a good way to introduce somebody, but come on! I would like to know somebody’s name so I don’t call them ‘winged bitch’ or something equally as stupid. You know what? I probably will if the aforementioned idiot continues to not introduce anybody by name. You’re the reason why I swear so much.
While Ms. Cherilee took attendance, some random filly, an earth pony with a plastic, wait no that’s a real one, tiara on her head chucked a paper ball at the back of Apple Bloom’s head. The farm filly snapped and spun around, before taking the paper and unwrinkled it. I took the paper in my magic after I saw Apple Bloom get mad. The paper simply read ‘how’s it going, blank flank?” Okay, one bully down, cool. Well, I’ll have to keep an eye on the little princess.
I’m going to make a mental profile on this filly.
“Okay, who would like to go first?” Oh right, show and tell. Well, I never got to partake in show and tell as a kid, because all I had at home were bags of rice and math books, so this’ll be cool. “Okay, Diamond Tiara, you’re up first!” The kid who threw the note at Apple Bloom got up. Without showing a sign of nervousness, the kid walked up to the front of the classroom.. Well, this is definitely a rich kid, so they’ll probably have something nice, shiny, and fancy that makes everybody else jealous.
I dunno how, but Diamond Tiara pulled out a fancy looking, probably solid, gold watch. “I have a family heirloom, an old watch that has been passed through my family for generations!” She said with a smile on her face. You know, it faltered a tiny bit when she basically showed off that her family was definitely really rich. Ah, so rich kid with shit parents? A kid who wants to be more than what she is? Interesting.
After a few other students, including a kid named Silver Spoon(she was friends with Diamond Tiara apparently), Scootaloo, and by extension, her friends, were called up. Wow, these desks were not built with adults in mind, because boy did I not fit in this thing at all. I walked on over to the front of the room after the crusaders took their spot in front of the chalkboard, and turned to face the class. I sat on my rear, with a small smile on my face.
“We met Fruit Punch yesterday and we tried getting him to show us his awesome kung hoof skills!” Sweetie Bell said.
“And you’re still blank flanks!”
“Oi,” I said, crossing my forelegs. You know, I could be mean, but I’m not going to. “You had your turn already, let these kids speak,” I said. Mr. Cherilee looked about ready to thank me for that.
“Pfft, like you’re the actual Fruit Punch! I bet you just look like him, and ride the potential money bag that comes with it!” Diamond said while Silver Spoon blew a raspberry.
“Yo, Skitter? Scatter? Either of you guys hanging around?” I asked.
“Right here, sir,” Scatter dropped from the ceiling, and sat down next to me like a cat. She was completely undisguised, and it was making a bunch of the kids in the room look scared.
“So, as it turns out, I might not be the real Fruit Punch, I’m probably just a Changeling or something. Is there any way to make me shed my disguise? I asked. I tapped my hoof for a few moments, and an idea came to mind. “You can turn into inanimate objects, right?” I asked.
“Of course.”
“Can you turn into a piano?”
“Yes sir,” Scatter then turned into a full, grand piano. I pressed a key and it sounded like a real piano.
“Ah Fruit Punch, I believe you should’ve slept a little longer,” a voice rang out through the entire building. Of fucking course this was a dream, there was no way I was actually awake. Fuck it, I’m gonna do some ‘improv’ practice. I started going ham on the Scatter Piano, which was snickering with every single key being played, because I think dream Scatter was ticklish, and I didn’t even know what the hell I was playing. I was more or less just faking piano skills.
“Fruit just slept with Diamond’s Mom, I just slept with Diamond’s Mom. I slept with her for an hour, slept with her until I was done, and her father watched!” Every single foal in the room looked slightly confused while Luna walked into the room. “I had a real fun time with your Mom, Diamond Tiara! Well, not really, your Mom wouldn’t shut the fuck up about how she was better than everybody around her!”
“Fruit,” Luna said, I think. I was kinda…
“And your father cried during our fun session last night.”
“Fruit, you are not dreaming,” Luna said, now tapping my shoulder.
“Skitter is that-” Luna then slapped me across the face.
“A little buggy told me that my assistance might be needed today. That’s why I am here.” I’m not complaining, since that meant more Luna time. Unlike Celestia, who was like a giant fluff ball.
“Aren’t you nocturnal? How the heck are you not sleepy?”
“Lots, and lots of coffee.”
“So, I just said I had… uh, the birds and the bees with a kid’s mom,” I said. “While not in a dream.”
“Yes you did, good job!” Luna then patted me on the shoulder, before hitting me with some weird spell. “That’s the real Fruit, and you never claimed this by the way,” a medal slipped around my neck. “You were supposed to come to an award ceremony a day after the wedding, since you did just save the country from what we thought was an angry swarm of Changelings.” Scatter raised an eyebrow, and Skitter chose now to drop from the ceiling, and make the whole classroom scream.
“Well, I shall be off, I have a lot of caffeine that I must burn off!” With that, Luna was gone. What the actual fuck just happened. If I’m not dreaming then… I dunno what to say then, because this hurts my brain. I turned to Ms. Cherilee, who was now tapping a hoof on the ground, since as it turns out, what I just implied with that silly song, probably didn’t slide well with the teacher of… I assume elementary school kids.
“Moving on…” the teacher said, before gesturing towards her desk. “Can you tell us about yourself, Mr. Fruit Punch?”
Yeah, let’s just ignore whatever the heck just happened with Luna. “Anyways, I’m Fruit Punch, I went to college for a degree in psychology, but dropped out. I was in the Royal Guard for about… one afternoon, I’m now the ambassador for Changelings,” I wrapped my arm around Scatter, who had reverted from being a piano, and she blinked a couple times. “This is Scatter,” I pointed at Skitter, who was currently helping some kid get done with some probably overdue homework. “That’s Skitter, and they’re my guards. I’m also best friends with the Changeling Queen… and I dunno, I do sometimes dabble in comedy.”
“How were you only in the Guard for an afternoon?” One of the fillies asked.
“Caught some guy that was giving the guard trouble, and then got enlisted until I asked for Princess Celestia to bail me out of it,” I chuckled. “I kicked some serious butt before I quit though. I knocked out a captain at one point before I just wanted to leave. I suck at keeping other ponies safe, so I kinda quit,” and also the guards were completely incompetent(I would’ve added that, but I think that wouldn’t really fit in well.”
“How’d you end up in the Canterlot Invasion?”
“Ah, that’s a fun one. So I have a lot of connections within Canterlot, as you’ve seen with Luna’s guest appearance, which I didn’t plan on happening. Anyhow, because of my connection with her, I-”
“How’d you meet Princess Luna?”
“Do you kids recall a news article about how somebody landed on top of her at the Great Galloping Gala?” I asked. Everybody in the room nodded. “I’m the idiot that fell from the roof on her. You see, I was originally just trying to fix some roof tiles and then I slipped and fell through one of the windows above the ballroom!” I chuckled. “Anyways, from there, me and Luna had a bit of a… falling out, and she sued me. Next thing I know, she plants a kiss on my cheek, and lets me go because Celestia convinced her not to kill me.
“Anyways, since I was now a ‘friend of the crown’ I got invited to be Celly’s guest to the wedding of her niece. One thing led to another and I ended up ‘saving the day.’” I moved my hooves up and down to signify y’know, I didn’t do shit. “You see, every Changeling that invaded Canterlot did it because their mother, also known as their queen, was believed to be a prisoner of war or something. So they might’ve committed minor terrorism to save their queen. Turns out that said queen was just staying in my apartment, and had accompanied me to the wedding. A Changeling found out that Chrysalis wasn’t in jail and the whole Changeling Hive called off their invasion.
“Then Celly and Chryssy thought I needed guards after I manhandled several Royal Guards, hence the two Changelings before me-” I stopped when I saw Scatter cradling a colt, who looked sleepy, and Skitter had happily just wrote an entire book report for another student. Cool, the Changelings were great with children, and so far, after calming down a bit, the children loved having my guards around. Good, that’ll make my job much easier… I have a meeting with Celly and Chryssy tomorrow. God dammit!
Anyways, the crusaders went back to their seats, and I had to stay in the school house. Because y’know, doing show and tell first thing in the morning so I could go home was a thing. What was just with these ponies and insisting I do something I don’t wanna do? Shining forced me in the guard, Chrysalis made me take her home(even if I willingly did let her into my home), Celly insisted I be a politician, and Twilight made sure I came to Ponyville with paid train tickets and everything.
Where she got the money for that, I don’t know, since she apparently doesn’t have a job.
“Have fun at recess, children!” Oh, I almost caught a glimpse of a history lesson. Some shit about the ‘fall of Princess Luna, the rise of Nightmare Moon’ or known as the ‘Nightmare Period’ which was really a series of wars fought between a corrupted Luna and Celestia. You know, that sounds really interesting and I wish I paid attention, because then that’s a free history lesson without reading at all. Oh look, Cherilee was letting me leave without having a word about how I insinuated having sex with one of her students’ mothers.
I made a mad dash away from the school building. No matter what, I am not coming back here, no matter how cute the next foal that asks me to come is. Not again, that was torture. I can handle children, but not being the center of attention for a classroom full of them! Then there’s the added pressure of being an apparent celebrity, and it’s a fun recipe for disaster.
“Hey Fruit Punch!” Oh what the- a pink blur pinned me to the ground before I could even process what the fuck is happening. “I’m so glad I’ve found you! I was told that you weren’t at your hotel room at the moment, so I got scared when I couldn’t give you this. So I looked here and there, and went all the way through the Everfree Forest! Looked at every single apple tree in Sweet Apple Acres-“ she just kept going, and going, and going. “Anyways, here you go!” What the fuck are you snorting, Pinkie?
Now I want to get this pony drunk or high on something to see what happens. I was finally let up after that pink fuck flew(without wings) into the sky, landed, and ran straight up the side of a house and disappeared from sight. Pinkie gave me an envelope that had her butt tattoo printed on it. So it was time to use my head penis(aka a unicorn horn) to open this casually:
“Come to Sugarcube Corner at eight this afternoon.” It was written in crayon.
“Hey Skitter,” the Changeling popped out of nowhere and saluted me. “I’m assuming you and Scatter were just watching me as my brain got fucked up by Pinkie,” I said. “Why-“
“Sir, do you think we want to be subjected to that? Mother turned into a floor rug to avoid being assaulted by that pink power cell.” Okay, fair enough, buggy. What is with all the ponies, who were literally born as the embodiment of several, powerful artifacts fucking lunarics?
Like Apple nearly killed me for not liking apple pie. Pinkie is some extra dimensional psycho. Twilight asks a million of what is basically the same question. I haven’t had enough time with the other three elements to get s full grasp of how fucking mental those three are, but I’m not looking forward to it. “Ah, I was looking for you for ages!”
Speaking of, there’s Rarity.
“I was hoping to find you before you had to go back to Canterlot tomorrow. Mind following me to my boutique? I need to get measurements for your suit,” she said. She batted her eyelashes at me. “I am willing to bet that you’d look absolutely dashing in a suit, Fruit!” Wasn’t this the same pony I said had a soup ladle up her ass?
Probably, I can’t remember anymore after I got hungover at a bar somewhere.
“But what if I don’t want a suit?” I asked.
“Surely a stallion of your caliber needs a suit! You’ll probably be going to a lot of parties in the future, so why not have a suit lying around for when you eventually attend a formal party?”
“But I won’t go to any-“ the bitch sealed my mouth with her voodoo magic!
“Nono, I insist-“ with that, I was lifted into the air.
“Skitter, Scatter?” Both drones latched onto me, and suddenly I was surrounded by void. The next thing I know, I’m being cradled in Chrysalis’s arms.
“There there, the crazy fashion pony won’t bother you now.” What? Fuck it, this feels nice, so I’ll roll with it.
Changelings are fucking awesome.