“So, how do I look?” Chrysalis asked, currently she was disguised as a slender-legged unicorn with a really nice white coat. Her mane was a light blue, which was in a similar style to how her ‘mane’ usually is when undisguised, if not a little more wavy. “This is how I wish I looked if I were a pony… being a Queen is nice and all, but some ponies consider that scary and nigh unapproachable. Even my drones consider my natural form to be a bit scary.”
The mane thing that sold Chrysalis’s disguise was her eyes. Unlike her usually reptilian eyes, they were the same acid green, if only a touch softer in color. They were huge, round, and adorable. I’m mostly surprised by the fact that she had a dress, and by the fact that ponies(and Changelings) wore clothing on occasion. Apparently a lot of rich assholes wore clothes all the time, but most just wore clothing for special events.
The dress itself was a nice, sea blue with red accents here and there. The cheat area fit snugly around the Queen’s barrel, there were a few frills here and there, but it was a really simple dress. It was clear that the dress had been commissioned and been through quite a bit, with clearly home-done stitching going up and down it to keep the old thing intact. It was kinda pretty, but monkey brain just makes me go ‘give it a boop on the nose’ rather than a ‘holy fuck you’re gorgeous’ thing. It’s a shame too, Chryssy could be an excellent date for just about anybody that gave her a shot.
Undisguised or not, she was actually kinda pretty though(she showed me how she looked with the dress on and undisguised). And she was adorable.
“Eh… I’d rather you just be your regular self, there’s something simply adorable about ya. As this, it looks like you’re trying to be understated, while being stunningly beautiful. Your face is really cute, the dress is really nice, but… I dunno. I’m sorry for not being able to give you a full, ‘pony or ‘ling’ point of view. I’m a monkey, a hairless monkey thing that grew up thinking female hairless, tailless monkeys are hot.” I wrapped an arm around Chrysalis. “I’ll bet your many lovers were glad to have you as a wife, eh?”
“Well, I always used this disguise in the past while dating ponies. I could always hear them gush to their friends about how ‘smoking hot’ I am.” Chrysalis looked at me. “Don’t you have anything to wear? No suit, nothing like that? I’m sure you’d look dashing in a guard’s ceremonial uniform.” She said, “I’ll even help you put it on, since we’ll be late for the wedding at this point!”
“Oh yeah, I do,” I walked over to one of two wardrobes. One was Chrysalis’s, the other was mine. Unlike Chryssy, who had a decent amount of dresses and hats, I just had my beanie and the ceremonial guard outfit that Sunny let me keep. Green magic surrounded the uniform and then… the next thing I know, I’m wearing the suit. “Wow, that’s pretty neat,” I said as Chrysalis levitated me over the mirror.
Wow, this thing was kinda tight, but still comfy. There were no pants, which probably wouldn’t work on an equine build anyways, but it was still kinda neat. The closest human equivalent I could give it would be a British red coat from colonial times. Nice, sharp red, but lacked the stupid hat the Red Coats had to wear in the past. There was a white undershirt, well, under the unbutton jacket, which kinda defined my… muscles?
That was probably fat. I am not that fit.
“Hmm…” Chrysalis said as she scanned me while I stared at myself in the mirror. “As I suspected, you’re a hunk! Your dark coat makes it kind of hard to see your foreleg muscles, but this highlights them quite nicely!” Chrysalis did something I assumed was seductive(I think, I don’t fucking know), by rubbing her head against my neck(okay nevermind, it was supposed to be. Thank you body language book). “Well, let’s go. We can’t have our Princess wait on us for too long, can we?”
“What about you? Won’t you get caught by a scan?” Chrysalis then shrunk down before my eyes, and hopped in a foreleg pocket that was in my uniform. “Okay, that works too.”
“Of course, and you should know how incompetent the guards are at their job.”
“Yeah, makes Australia’s military look actually powerful!” I laughed.
“Oh? A story of your world? May you tell itl?” Chrysalis asked as we stepped out of the door.
“Yeah, I can. Might paraphrase here and there, since this war lasted about a month…” I said as a guard scanned me, and nodded to let me pass. “So like, Australia is this nation that takes up a whole continent, if the definition for that is the same here, then yeah, Austrailians ruled a whole continent. Some dickheads argue that it’s just a big island, but that’s for another day.”
“So a nation ruled over a whole continent, surely their military-“
“Nope. This country went to war with a bunch of emus.”
“What are emus?” Chryssy asked.
“So, think of a bird, but big and can’t fly. I dunno how smart animals are here, but these birds are fucking dumb-“ I paused until we were out of earshot of another guard. “Like think of a Royal Guard, but even more stupid. And Australia declared war on a bunch of birds that could barely even register that they were alive,” I chuckled.
“Do not tell me that a country of your people managed to lose to birds.”
“They did.”
“What the Hive.”
“Your reaction was the same as mine when I first learnt about it. Like, we humans have guns, things designed to kill shit almost instantly, and Australia had a lot of guns. Somehow lost to a shit ton of birds, but it’s not as bad as the time a whole squadron in battle had shot their own allies.” The rest of the stroll ended up being me telling a bunch of tales and blunders from wars. Chrysalis found great delight in my dramatized retellings(and retellings so I wouldn’t accidentally leak the human race to anybody other than Chryssy).
Anyways, we got into the castle without a hitch, I found a public bathroom, and Chrysalis unshrink herself. Then we spent the next few minutes wandering around until Celestia found us… holy fuck did these two get along well. Despite Chrysalis potentially being scared of the solar alicorn, she seemed to find it very easy to joke and talk with Celestia. The two were currently joking about royalty, and how far their heads up their own asses were.
They did say they had some history, right? Maybe Chrysalis just knows how to handle the royalty of Equestria.
Anyways, one thing led to another, and Chrysalis and I were sitting together in one of the last rows in the wedding room, by one of the windows. We both remained silent, since the entire room was filled with Cadence and Shining’s friends and family. “You know, I just thought of something really funny to do during the wedding reception,” I told Chrysalis.
“Oh? Did you bring paintballs to throw at the groom? Kiss the bride during a dance?”
“Nah, that would just be mean and not funny. I know a song by heart, one about finding love. I’m gonna hijack the piano I saw in the party room earlier, and play comedic song on that.”
“Oohoohoo, I didn’t know you could play piano, Fruit.”
“Hey, I can also have a few tricks up my sleeves,” I raised both my hooves. “Dunno how well I’ll do without fingers, but I’d like to know enough to save my blunders.” In other words, I will fuck up, and I won’t be able to save it. I memorized hand placements on a piano, I don’t play it enough to actually play it very well.
“I bet you can sing very well.”
“Uh… I dunno, maybe. I was hoping to find a vocal coach before I fell on top of Luna. So I’ll probably suck.”
“Well, you won’t be singing to impress at least.”
“Thank fuck for that. Hopefully my performance won’t be too-“ I heard a nice symphony of banging. “What the fu-“ What looked like a mini Chrysalis slammed through the roof, hissed and flew off. Unlike Chrysalis, it had solid blue eyes, smaller, duller fangs, and lacked any ‘hair’. I looked outside and noticed a bunch of mini Chrysalises deliberately slamming into the ground, but they weren’t really attacking anything from what I can see. “Wasn’t Shining Armor supposed to be working the magical shield, fish bowl?” I whispered to Chrysalis.
“Yes he was. That is kind of odd how my drones pierced the barrier. As lousy of a captain that Shining Armor is, he is a hunk, and a talented user in defense based magi-“ her ear flicked and she sighed. “He went to the bathroom and somebody took over for him for a second,” she casually said. “One of my drones was spying on him after getting past security with Royal Guard armor it had lying around.”
“How the fuck?”
“There are children in here, Fruit.”
“How fucking stupid can one group of ponies, who defend other ponies, ponies that likely can’t defend themselves, be so stupid?”
“They have a princess that controls the sun, who is also seen as a deity in other countries. And then Luna would be seen as the equivalent of Satan for you monkeys,” Chrysalis said before chuckling. “If it were not for those two being magically bound to two celestial bodies, Equestria would’ve burnt to the ground the moment it banded together.” A magical beam flew in from nowhere and struck Chrysalis. It didn’t seem to hurt her, but it did undo her disguise. Everybody gasped, and Celestia, who was standing at the head of the room, got ready to stab Chryssy.
“I should’ve known you would try to show up and steal love!” Chrysalis managed to shed her dress in a millisecond(da fuck?), and hopped over the other seats… and accidentally took me with her. I crashed down in front of her and let out a very manly shriek when I saw Celestia rushing towards where I had landed. I remained curled up, covering the back of my head with my hooves, in hopes that I don’t get trampled too hard. Chrysalis let out a snarl, and quickly noticed that I had landed in front of her.
“Fruit!” She shrieked, before leaping in front of me, and rolled me to the side with her magic. A moment later, Chrysalis and Celestia locked horns while everybody stared in shock and horror. Thank god Chrysalis was quick with noticing, since both mares’ hooves stomped into the ground where I had just been. I owe that woman ice cream. Meanwhile, the six mares from last night(I forgot their names already. I’m gonna refer them as Skittles flavors), running out the door after Celestia barked at Grape to go get the ‘Elements of Harmony’. Whatever the hell that meant.
“Yo, Celly, Chryssy, can you two not murder each other?” I said as both mares backed off each other, and Celestia ascended into the sky… she’s gonna try to incinerate somebody! I quickly placed myself in front of Celestia and Chrysalis. “Fuckin’ quit it already! I don’t wanna see my best friend get zapped by a fucking solar flare!” I yelled. “Like fuckin’ christ, the only reason why the Changelings are here, is because they’re stupid, and think Chrysalis, their queen and mother, is about to get her head chopped the hell off! So how about we don’t kill each other, show Chrysalis's drones that she’s alright, and we continue with the wedding?” Was Chrysalis crouching behind me right now?
“Chrysalis, are you alright?”
“You do not understand how close you were to dying just now, or how close I was to dying. On enough love I can rival Princess Celestia, but as I am right now, I would’ve been killed.” Jesus fucking christ.
“Fruit, is that the ‘mare’ you’ve been claiming to be your roommate?” Celestia asked.
“Yeah, am I in trouble for harboring an enemy or some shit? Because as far as I’m aware, she wasn’t acting when you two were chatting earlier. I went to school for a major in comedy and psychology, Celly. On top of that, I took some acting classes, and can spot bad acting on the spot!” I bowed to Chrysalis. “No offense, but your acting skills aren’t the greatest.”
“Oh no, I’m aware that my acting is rather poor, you are apparently trained in acting and could see through mine, unlike most ponies.”
“Moving on! I think you two could be good friends, so let’s not stab each other, and chat over some tea later?” I then shouted, “Yo dumbasses, I got your queen right here!” A drone then shot through the roof again, looked at Chrysalis, and tilted its head. It looked like a puppy looking at its owner. Not gonna lie, would keep as a pet if it weren’t also probably sentient. Chryssy says her drones aren’t the smartest, but surely they must know a sense of self.
“Gather together outside of Canterlot, me and Princess Celestia have much to discuss later. Do not move from your locations outside of Canterlot unless told, understood?” The drone nodded, and sure enough, the massive sound of a bunch of insect wings rang through my ears. Every Changeling was moving out, and the Skittles(original mix) burst through the door with a bunch of jewelry.
“Swear to fuckin’ god, if those can produce magical death rainbows, don’t shoot them at Chryssy,” I turned around to see that Celestia was currently helping up Chrysalis… it looked like they were apologizing to each other and… hey, a hug! That’s good, hopefully neither of them ended up killing each other. Good, we won’t be needing to taste the rainbow from the Elements.
“What in the hay was that whole invasion for then?” Sour Apple asked. What? She had an apple tattoo on her ass?
“Celly visited me while the Changeling Queen was bunking at my place. A drone, or infiltrator, saw that happen and assumed that their Queen was gonna die. Two weeks later a whole battalion of them showed up just to rescue Chrysalis.” It was then that Shining Armor and Princess Cadence rushed in.
“Sorry we’re late! We woke up late, and somebody forgot to do their business before we left our house!” Princess Cadence said with a snap to Shining Armor.
“So, you didn’t see what just happened?” I asked.
“What happened?” Cadence and Shining Armor asked… of course they wouldn’t know about that. Why would they? They've got the densest stallion in Equestria with a mare that’s probably just as dense. Neither of them even acknowledged Queen Chrysalis, who had quickly put her dress back on, and taken back her spot amongst the seating, but was given significantly more space by everybody once they realized what she was. Everybody resumed their positions like there aren't two holes in the ceiling, or an invasion just happened, or the fact that there’s a Changeling Queen sitting amongst us.
Oh boy, as soon as I sat down, Chrysalis pulled me into a hug, and rested her chin on my head. “Thank you… for stopping mine and Celly’s fight,” Chrysalis said as Celestia went over whatever the fuck ponies went over during marriage. The bride and groom kissed, but we weren’t really paying attention. “You not only saved my life, but I believe you saved everypony in here, and every one of my drones’ lives. My drones would’ve gone berserk and gone on a rampage if I had been killed.”
“I wasn’t thinking about that, I’m gonna be real,” I said with a shrug. “I was trying to make sure you wouldn’t get killed. It’s what friends are for, at least what I was taught while growing up. When you’ve got a best friend, you best have your best friend’s back, and tell it to them straight when they’re being dumb. And at the end of the day, friends keep each other safe for a reason.” Chrysalis chose that moment to spin me around and bury my face in her chest. Good thing she was a bug and not a mammal, or this would be awkward.
“You know, Princess Celestia is having her student study on friendship, when I feel like they should just listen to you.”
“Wait, studying friendship… how the fuck does that work?” I asked, and Chrysalis got up on her hindlegs and began to carry me off to what I assumed was the party room. “Because wouldn’t that just involve being a friend and… y’know, be a good fucking friend? Be nice to them, tell them they’re being stupid when they’re being stupid, and all that shit I just spilled about being friends?”
“Don’t look at me, I’m not the one who thought that a pony should take lessons in friendships.” Chrysalis then magicked up the piano player, and set me in the chair after we had entered the party room. “Well? I believe you said you wanted to hijack the piano, so here you are!” She said, and then promptly sat like a puppy with her eyes glued to me. I chuckled a bit, before placing a hoof on the piano to play a triad… it works just like if I had fingers, so that’s cool.
Chrysalis then set a microphone in front of me, which she probably took from the singer in the room, who was now looking for said microphone. I chuckled before I started speaking. “We all want love,” everybody who was slow dancing stopped to look at me. A bunch of them were standing around alone. “How many single ladies out there are looking for love tonight?” A bunch of mares ‘wooed’ and I kept a straight face.
“Yeah, woo your sorrows away… because there’s more where that came from. Because I know what you all want…” I said as I slowed down my piano playing. “Want, want, want!” I added an extra note at the end as I got further away from the microphone… oh boy, stage fright. I steeled myself before beginning to actually sing ‘Lower Your Expectations’. Because telling people they won’t find love at a wedding is very fitting.
“You want a guy that’s sweet, a guy that’s tough,” remember to breathe while singing, kids. “A feminist that likes to pay for stuff. The type of guy to get along with your friends without being attracted to any of them!” I looked around the room and noticed a bunch of… foals was the right word, right? Well, when the second verse hits, I’ll have to curve a joke in there. Anyways, I got through the first verse without a hitch, and even got a few chuckles.
“Now, you may think this guy only exists in your mind,” god I am such a scumbag, stealing another comedian’s jokes. “Well,” I stopped playing for a second. “Guess what: you’re right!” Everybody laughed at that! I began to sing through the chorus while keeping my eyes on Chrysalis to try and ignore my crippling stage fright. You’re only playing for the cute bug with puppy eyes, Mob.
“Now, it is a really good thing that stallions have zero expectations for mares too… wait, nope, that’s sarcasm, sorry fellas!” Half way through the second verse, I stopped and looked around the crowd. “That is not a joke I should be making around kids. You’ll learn what I’m talking about when you’re older, kids!” Anyways, before I knew it, I was done singing, and everybody was clapping.
Man, it’s a good thing this piano responded to my hooves like they were hands. Chrysalis cheered and began to demand more from me… she’s so fuckin’ supportive that it’s infectious. And that’s not good, since I memorized a couple other songs that Bo Burnham had written by heart. Time to sing ‘Repeat Stuff’! I… can’t wait until this blows up in my face.
Oh look, Rarity is gagging in the corner, likely from the first song. And a few nobles were gagging too. Yes, suffer ponies with soup ladles up their asses! Anyways, Rarity keeled over when I started singing Repeat Stuff. Maybe deep throating the microphone wasn’t such a good idea.