I groaned as I fell flat on my face as soon as I exited the Royal Guard Training Grounds, and I wanted to die. Like seriously, I spent most of the day sparring, knocking guards out while tripping over myself, and I’m supposed to feel good? These are the same ponies that are supposed to save my dumbass whenever there’s a big, bad, dangerous bad dude, and I can knock them out? How has this country not been burnt to the ground already? Oh and to top things off, I’m now a part of the Royal Guard for some reason!
I just got fucking drafted, and it wasn’t even for my own country.
“Having fun?” I raised my head and saw Princess Celestia standing over me, completely unguarded… well, this did seem to be on castle grounds. Wait, no, still stupid. Legitimately anything can happen. Sure, Celestia was a goddess(more or less), but even then, why would you let your country’s ruler wander around without a guard or two? Like if the president of the U.S went out tomorrow without any guards, he’d be dead six or seven times over. I mean, I’d be kinda comfortable with letting a goddess go out and about alone, but once again, literally anything can happen. It’s magical pony land, there’s probably a bunch of doomsday causing things that exist for no reason.
And the whole ‘let’s let our ruler wander around unguarded bit’ sounded like somebody is going to get kidnapped soon.
“Oh yeah, I’m in your guard now, somehow. I really don’t understand why or how, but I am…” wait, this could be my way out. “I never signed up for this either, so can’t I just not be a guard? Would I be deemed as a deserter of the Crown? Because I am not going to survive a week as a guard. I’m not a fighter, I can’t strategize, and I’m an idiot. I sit down while writing jokes in hopes that I can get on stage to a crowd of adoring fans, not to get my head kicked off by a fuckin’ god, demon bug thing.”
“Well, I was just coming by to drop your uniform and certificate… I thought you had genuinely signed up.” The certificate had ‘Captain Fruit Punch’ written out on it. It turns out that I ended up beating up several captains and just… automatically ended up as one. If it weren’t for the fact that it would seem rude, I’d start getting on Celestia’s ass about how shit her military is. Like a guy who walks like a drunk man shouldn’t be able to take down several trained soldiers by accident. Seriously Sunbutt, your army sucks.
“Don’t worry, Captain Armor cannot declare you are a part of the Guard without you giving consent. I believe he just wanted to see how good of a fighter you are, and I must say, you aren’t too bad for a unicorn who doesn’t use magic.” I blinked a couple times. “Yes, I did watch. You have quite a talent for dodging.”
“Celestia, I didn’t do anything other than dodge on purpose. I fucking stumbled and threw my back into a guard’s throat. I tripped and my ass accidentally hit another guard in the face. I don’t have a talent for fighting, or anything like that. Your guards are… a bit stupid and bad at fighting.”
“Well, that is a bit rude, but I suppose it is quite hard to be good at fighting when your country has been through a millennium without war. Equestria is rarely ever at odds with another country, and Equestria is one of the strongest nations on the planet. So most nations leave us be, and we leave them alone. In turn, Equestria has no reason to have the strongest military in the world, since the world’s been mostly at peace for a very long time.”
“Tia, the U.S is considered a world superpower back at home, basically untouchable. They still train just in case something goes wrong. What can go wrong, will go wrong, so it’s better to be prepared.”
“I… suppose I should ask Shining Armor to step up the training of his guard. Since I do agree with your statement of ‘be prepared for anything’ and I should probably follow it.” Celestia handed me the uniform, but kept my certificate. “That is mostly a dress uniform for parties whenever the guard must attend, and I‘d hate to have it go to waste. So you may keep that.” And then my certificate burnt to a crisp in Celestia’s magical grasp.
I squealed, hugged the princess, and ran off while singing “Best Day Ever” from Spongebob. I was free! Free from fighting for a bunch of ponies who has their heads several feet up their asses! Wait a second… Why is it raining chocolate rain? Actually, why the fuck is the moon and sun up? You know what, I think Luna found some sugarcane and snorted it, so she must be high off her ass. Any naysayers are… oh look, a giant, headless, cooked turkey is running at me. What? Well, I would rather have some chicken, but turkey does sound good right oh fuck no.
There’s at least a hundred of those fucking things running after me!
I don’t know what the fuck is happening, I really don’t. The floor is bouncy like a weird jelly, chocolate milk is raining from the sky, and now I’m being harassed by turkeys. I just want this to… gravity just stopped existing. Thanks Newton for your fucking useless laws of physics! Why god? What did I do? Call you ugly? Piss in holy water? Fuck a donkey… actually that is something I can do without it being weird. Maybe I shouldn’t talk about that.
Maybe Celestia was pulling a prank on me for calling her guard stupid. That would make sense, she is God in this world.
Minutes, hours, weeks, months, I don’t know, passed and everything… reverted back to normal. I was sitting in a corner, curled up like a human being, and I wanted my blanket. I just want to… sit here and cry. Those turkeys slapped my butt. That wasn’t even the worst part, they called my ass fat. Second worst thing to happen to me since my Mom saying that I was a mistake on my fifth birthday.
Okay, too much info.
I crawled out from under the haydog stand I was hiding under, as did many other ponies from their hiding spots. I’m not sure as to what the fuck just happened, and I’m sure nobody here did either, but I can safely assume that somebody was drunk off their fucking mind. At least it’s… hey, why is that unicorn approaching me? “Yo, do you know what just happened?” I asked.
“N-no, but…” okay, it’s a mare. “Do you? I saw you walking out of the castle grounds, so I assumed you were a guard getting off duty. I was going to ask if you know what just happened?” Well, shit. So much for asking the locals… hold it, why did this lady fake a stutter? Stuttering after… What just happened? Whatever, it was kinda traumatizing, but for only one word? Grade A, terrible acting.
“Yeah, I’ve got no clue.”
“Well… I was hoping that I could follow you home.” Wat. “Because… I don’t feel safe alone after what just happened. You’re a guard, so you can keep me safe.” Lady, I’m not a fucking guard, I’m a stupid comedian that can barely comprehend that he’s a horse. Why the fuck do you even want to follow me home? No, you are not going to follow me into my already small home-
“Yeah, my house isn’t anything fancy.” God dammit, curse me for being sympathetic for this bitch. Anyway, we started making our way home, and remained silent for the most part. I didn’t have anything to talk about, and I’m pretty sure this lady is a creep, so I didn’t want to talk even more than usual. Also, unlike a lot of ponies, this lady wasn’t bubbly or smiling. No, it looked like she was thinking about something. Also her magic was green, so that’s cool(I watched her close my door after we stepped inside my house). Man, I should pay more attention to shit on my walks, eh? Canterlot is really pretty despite doomsday just happening.
“So, what are you planning?”
“W-what?” The pony took a second to look shocked.
Bitch, I’m a lousy comedian, I can tell when somebody is acting… I think.
“Well… I suppose I don’t need to hide my disguise, we are alone, and you’ll be hypnotized. You’ll be a lovely snack before I continue my love gathering.” And with that, the mare’s body was engulfed with green flames, and what happened made my brain kill itself again. The… the disguise I guess, peeled off and slowly revealed a black shell, long legs, and… well, now there’s a bug horse in my house. The mane was wispy, she had a long, jagged horn, and had wispy wings. Oh, and she stood to be about as tall as Celestia. I mean, this bug was kinda pretty, but I still wasn’t stoked to find out what-
A green blast of magic hit me in the dome and I cross eyed for a second. “Yo, don’t hit me with a light beam when I’m thinking!” I grumbled, “god, at least ask me out to dinner first. Trying to make sure these voices in my head know what the fuck is going on and you try to fuck my brain.”
“W-what?” The bug horse looked genuinely shocked. “T-that should’ve- how have you not fallen to my spell?” The bug lady asked. I began to scan the bug horse while she went off about how I had a weird immunity to hypnosis. She was keeping a foreleg off the ground, and looked a tiny bit roughed up. Well, she was out in the same shit I was, so that has to have done a number on her. Maybe I was lucky as hell to come out of… hell unscathed(physically. Mentally, I wanna cry in a corner).
“So, did you genuinely need a place to stay?” I asked. That shocked Bug Horse even more. I know, I’m dehumanizing a fucking horse shaped bug, sue me.
“P-what? You… I don’t have to hypnotize you?”
“Figured. You can take the bed, I’ll take the floor. What’s wrong with your leg, by the way?”
“I… I sprained it, my ankle that is, when whatever was happening out there happened. I believe Discord was set loose from his prison.” Didn’t know who Discord is, but I think I don’t want to know. He’s probably this world’s equivalent of Satan, so I’ll ignore him and live a happy life. I need some holy water for future proofing myself from him.
“Name?”
“Chrysalis, Queen of the Changelings.”
“Aight cool, I don’t have to call you bug horse now.”
“What?” She shouted before her stomach emitted a growl. “Forgive me for that, it’s been awhile since I’ve eaten anything.”
“Don’t worry, I’ve got something in the oven baking…” how the fuck did my house not burn down? I left a pizza in there to slowly cook while I was gone, and it’s been several. Oh, the oven has a built-in turn off system… and the pizza looked nice and fresh when I took it out. I quickly cut up the pizza and took a slice… yup, okay, this here is a piece of pizza, actual pizza. It was still kinda hot, but not to the point where it would burn your mouth after kissing you. I carried the tray over to the table, where Chrysalis was now seated, and sat down.
“What… is this?”
“Pizza. It’s pretty famous where I’m from, and this is actual pizza. None of that stupid, uncooked bread with toppings on it.” Chrysalis lifted a slice with her magic and took a small bite of it. Unfortunately I couldn’t find any pepperoni or sausage, but there were banana peppers, so that’s cool. Instead of making a banana pepper pizza, however, I went with a plain cheese for now, and now I own a jar of pickled banana peppers. “So, how’s the pizza?” I asked. Oh, half the pizza’s gone, and Chrysalis has some cheese and sauce on her cheeks.
She had another one suspended in her magic. “I did not know a pizza could taste this good! And I can feel the love that went into making it…” Chrysalis gave me a genuine look of appreciation. “Thank you, nopony would dare feed me, especially if they knew what I was. I… hate to say this, but I now owe you one.” She talked with her mouth open, so that’s cool, since none of the food she was chewing on flew out of her mouth.
She let out a-not-lady-like burp out and I blinked a couple times. This lady’s awesome!
“Meh, don’t worry about it. I hate being in debt, so I’m not gonna put you in debt because I fed and housed you for a bit. Just make sure you don’t do anything too bad, especially while out on this… love hunt, I guess.” I wasn’t even going to ask why she was hunting love, for all I knew, she was a love goddess or some shit, and needed love to continue existing. The two of us began to chat about small things, about our lives, where we came from, about how Chrysalis has two thousand children(not too big given that she is a bug), and other small things. It turns out, once you take a wolf out of its sheep disguise, it’s actually really friendly and fun to talk to. And now I’ve got a pretty cool roommate, so that’s fun.
“So you can shapeshift?” I asked.
“Yes I can. I could take on the form of anypony, any creature… inanimate objects are beyond me, since that requires more magic that I don’t have the energy for.” Chrysalis then proceeded to become a mirror image of me. “Hello, I’m Fruit Punch. So this one time I ate a nice, big, juicy hayburger with honey on it.” Chrysalis picked up her cushion with her forelegs. “And I felt like doing this, because I couldn’t control my stools!” Okay, spot on with that impression of me. Chrysalis then took on the form of a royal guard, went cross eyed, and started drooling.
“Y’know, that’s accurate. I got drafted into the guard for a couple hours and…” I chuckled. “I knocked one of them out by tripping on myself!” Chrysalis snorted. “I knocked out a fuckin captain by running at him, tripping, and did a nice front flip onto his back. Very intentional, I am a very skilled fighter, and Equestria doesn’t have a weak military at all.”
“Are they seriously that incompetent?” Chrysalis laughed. “I didn’t know Sunbutt ordered her guards to suck at fighting.”
“You know Celestia?” I asked.
“Yup, we go way back. I tried feeding my children through means of farming and she banished my Hive to what is now the Badlands. She and her sister came and destroyed the place in some sort of magical battle a thousand years ago. Since then, my Hive hasn’t been able to grow food, and rely on infiltrators to gather love, which we can also live off of. Obviously I would prefer a nice, juicy mozzarella stick, and my children would be happy with just a simple sandwich; we only need love to fuel our magic, but again, we can live off love if need be. I’m only out here because the love supply of the Hive is… quite low. And Changeling Queens can store much larger sums of love than a drone, thus why I am here.”
“Well, as long as you aren’t committing crimes, you can stay here.”
“I will not cause any trouble, and thank you for the offer. My Changelings… are a bit feared amongst ponies, and many wouldn’t dare talk to one the size of their Princess. I hold nothing personal against that, but I do wish my drones could live amongst ponies, so they can have access to food to fill their stomachs and love to fuel their magic. To see a pony like yourself accept me so easily is… a nice change of pace,” Chrysalis said. “Actually, aren’t you a guard? Shouldn’t you have stuffed me in a jail cell by now? Surely Sunbutt had told her guard about little ol’ me.”
“I’m not actually a guard, just got forced into being one for a bit, and this is the first time I’ve even heard of you. Does Celly have some vendetta against you?”
“No, and I have no issues with her. As it turned out, her sister fell… to the dark side.” Nice. “And that was the cause for the magical bout that tore apart the badlands and turned them into a wasteland. She was defending her kingdom and I can respect that. Sunbutt has heard of my methods for gathering love and finds them to be a bit distasteful. Her subjects think of my kind are mere legend, but I know that old hag knows about me. We’ve crossed horns before.”
“Oi! You just ate every slice of pizza! I just got one slice!”
“Well forgive me, I was incredibly hungry, and I don’t know if you can tell, but I require more food than you.”
“Bug horse.”
“Royal Guard.”
“That’s rude. I’m not as stupid as one of those things.”
“Fair enough, you have proven to be smarter than a guard… you think after all. You’re still dumb.”
“I’m dumb and and stupid, thank you-“ Chrysalis leaned over the table and kissed my on the forehead. “Wat.”
“Oh think nothing of it, that was to keep our little insult war from going too extreme. It would’ve eventually, and as much as I love an insult war, I don’t want the insults to get too personal. Even if we only met today, either of us could say something a bit under hoof, and we’ll end up doing something regretable.” Chrysalis giggled. “You looked cute when you went cross eyed after I kissed you, by the way. I might do that again to see that expression!” Okay, so bughorse potentially wants to fuck. Should I jump out the window and book it? Nah, that would be a bit rude. We’re just friends, right?
Being friends with, who is potentially, an enemy of Celestia? That can’t go wrong.