You know, sometimes I wished I coulda done what my parents asked of me. Y’know, go to college, study, and become ‘the doctor’ as they say it. Perhaps this was some funny way of the universe trying to teach me what I should know by now; mom and dad know best! Well, if I went to college then I might be able to comprehend what the fuck just happened. You see, apparently not listening to your parents results in a portal to hell opening up and dropping you on top of the rulers of this place.
And you know how I know this? Well, I’m currently on trial for ‘attempted assination of the crown’ with both rulers as the judges. By the way, said rulers were horses, and I guess I’m one too. You see… uh, well I was once human, and I have been writing in a journal, that I had on me, for no particular reason. So you see, apparently in this country, there’s this thing called the ‘Great Galloping Gala’, which is essentially this realm’s way of celebrating new years. And I happened to fall into the event which startled everybody.
It especially pissed off one of the rulers that sat before me, there were two, both of which were sisters apparently. The white one, also known as Princess Celestia, was eying me with a practiced, small, neutral frown, while intently listening to eye witnesses. The main things that she had that stood out was her physics defying, rainbow colored mane, and the pair of wings she had. Oh and a horn, was apparently immortal and dubbed ‘the Mare of the Morn’ among other things. What any of that implied, I had no clue.
The problem is, the blue one, also known as Princess Luna, was glaring at me.
You know how I said I fell from the ceiling out of fucking nowhere? Well, apparently Princess Luna, who had a coat that entirely contrasted her sister’s dark blue, almost black), had wings and a horn, and a physics defying, blue mane that looked like it had the night sky within itself(I think I saw planet Earth in there!). Oh right, Princess Luna. You see, this year’s Great Galloping Gala was the first one in a millenium that, as these horses call her, the Mare of the Moon had willingly taken part in.
Oh yeah, and I landed right on fucking top of her back, which didn’t hurt her somehow(it hurt me a lot), and sent the two of us crashing to the ground. Apparently one of the eye witnesses was just about to ask Princess Luna for a dance and I completely ruined it. Ha! Get blue balled, idiot! Your Princess is in another castle, bitch. Well, I got dragged off of the Princess I unceremoniously crash landed on, by a bunch of guards, arrested, and promptly put on trial the following day.
Oh yeah, I have a horn(which I noticed could be used for telekinetic and magical purposes). Well, that didn’t really matter, right? Oh son of a bitch, I’m going up to defend myself without a lawyer, and I’ve been too busy writing in this journal to pay attention to what these guys were saying about me… Welp, I’m dead. That’s all there is to it, I’m gonna die because I didn’t go to college and wanted to become a doctor. Instead, I went to try and learn comedy because I’m stupid.
“Do thou have anything to say? Thou have fallen on our back with malicious intent, and thy have nothing to speak of?“ Oh cool, Princess Luna speaks like her language is a tiny bit out of date… by a thousand years. Luna got up from her chair(she was a judge and also the one suing me. That's kinda impressive since she was also acting as her own lawyer). I looked up at her, slowly set my journal down, and got up from my chair to give my case.
The one government class I took in highschool told me that I should start with an opening statement. But you see, I’m entirely screwed, so my brain told me I should find a corner and cry in it… well, I can’t do that, so I might as well give an honest description of what the heck happened from my point of view, even ifi it would seem nonsensical and have me thrown in a mental facility.
“So uh, I don’t really know what the heck I’m doing, so bare with me here…” I cleared my throat and lowered my voice to a few octaves. Whalla! The perfect lawyer voice! “You see, I was heading out to college as I usually do everyday…” I chuckled as I figured I could turn this into a joke. “And as embarrassing as this sounds, I was going to improv class.” Damn, no laughs. Tough crowd. “Anyways, instead of stepping out my door onto a sidewalk, some ethereal being told me I should go fuck myself!”
Everybody flinched when I said that. Was cursing bad? “My apologies for saying that, I will watch my languag- ah shit!” I accidentally knocked my cup of water on the journal I had… well, it would've spilled had it not been enveloped in a yellow aura, as Princess Celestia’s horn glowed in a similar color. I chuckled a bit, really, I’m gonna have a heart attack at some point, I start trying to joke about shit when I’m stressed out. “Thank you, Princess, anyway, I’m gonna skip to the main event, since I’m royally fucked here.”
I saw Princess Celestia struggle not to smirk at that! Maybe I won’t die. “I kinda woke up laying on top of something soft, fuzzy, and kinda warm. Turns out I landed on Princess Luna here, which as it turns out, is very illegal. I don’t know how I ended up on top of her, but I managed to!” I bowed to Princess Luna. “I didn’t mean to land on you, attempt to kill you, or anything like that. I know your first impressions of me have taken a… fall.” Princess Celestia snickered and Princess Luna actually grinned! That’s a good sign, right? Wait no, that was an irritated eye twitch.
Thank god for body language class. I can tell how much a horse wants to kill me.
“So I give up. Chuck me in a jail cell, kick my head off, whatever the heck the punishment for attempted asassination is. In my home country, I’d probably be locked up for a long time. It’s not like I can defend myself from this, right? I’ve got no lawyer, I’m kinda useless at arguing, so I might as well be ‘court’ful and give up.” Princess Luna took a seat beside her sister again, and the two began to discuss things. Oi, what the fuck? There’s a jury and these two get to decide my fate-
Wait, this is a monarchy, I’m assuming since there’s princesses, there’s got to be a king somewhere. I took my seat and buried my head in my forelegs. I’m so done with today, I was looking forward to improv practice! Well, if I’m gonna die, then there’s really not much I can do to save this case. My case drowned and I don’t know how to perform CPR on it. I’m a shitty comedian, not a doctor… dammit, my parents really were right, eh?
One of the Princesses(I couldn’t tell who)cleared their throat and I raised my head. “Young…” oh right, never gave my name. Would it be wise to give my actual name to horses? Well, I can come up with something stupid now, and if it bites me in the ass, then that’ll be fun.
“Fruit Punch is my name, Princess.”
“You have been writing in that journal the entire time, may I ask what could you have been writing that is more important than your own trial?”
“Well, this journal… is where I store jokes I think of, and sometimes I write jokes while I’m stressed out. I was writing a joke about how my Mom knew best, and I should’ve become a heart surgeon instead of a shitty comedian.” Before I could protest, the journal was taken by Celestia’s… magickinesis? And the princess opened and began to skim it, Luna peeked over her sister’s shoulder to read along, and I coulda sworn I saw the two of them chuckle and giggle at a few of the jokes in there!
Oh, they must’ve reached my most recent entry, where I was mostly just trying to ease some stress. I don’t even know if what I wrote was eligible. “Forgive me for my terrible… hoofwriting. I’m used to having fingers to write with, and I can’t write like I used to.” Princess Celestia whispered something to one of the guards, and then said guards began to bring everybody in the jury out of the courtroom, which was really just the throne room. “Uh… did I write something offensive in there? I knew that joke about Jewish people being on edge was a bit tasteless but-“ my mouth was clamped shut by a blue aura. Once everyone left, my muzzle was released.
“So you were once human?” Princess Luna asked.
“Yeah.”
“But he didn’t come through the Crystal Mirror…” she almost whispered.
“Fruit Punch isn’t your name, is it?” Princess Celestia seemed way too calm about all of this.
“Nah, name’s actually Mob. I’m assuming I can’t go by that name, can I?”
“Well, you could, but you’ve already declared yourself as ‘Fruit Punch’. Plus that name fits in more with ponies.”
“So am I still going to jail for assassination?” I asked.
“That would imply that a mere stallion landing on my back would kill me.” Princess Luna wasn’t… what?
“Wait, what happened to that ‘ye olden’ talk you were doing?”
“My sister thinks it’s more intimidating,” Princess Celestia smirked at her sister. “I told you it’s more jarring than anything,” she told her sister. She cleared her throat before getting back to business. “No, you will not be imprisoned or executed. Your appearance here in Equestria,” oh cool, the name of a country. “Is rather sudden and bizzare, but all I ask is that you remain silent about your origins. Humans are something of mythology amongst my little ponies, and I would like to keep it that way.”
“Fair.” I tilted my head. “The heck am I gonna do if I’m stuck here? I need food and a place to stay. Don’t think I can land a job, now that your ponies think I just assaulted your sister.” I nervously rubbed the back of my head with a hoof. “Sorry about that by the way. It was… a special night and I kinda ruined it. Is there any way that I can do to make up for it? I can’t make money to pay you back or buy you something, but I think I can find something.”
“Think nothing of it, it was a bit surprising, but there is a reason I do not partake in the Great Galloping Gala,” Luna and Celestia shared a glance. “It would’ve been quite the boring night had you not fallen out of the sky on me. It did make my heart pump a tiny bit, and that’s good. Plus your jokes, as cheap as they are, was a nice change to the usual ‘I didn’t to it’ spill I usually hear during every trial.”
“Seriously? I assault one of you and I don’t even get slapped on the wri-“ I was caught off as I got slapped in the face by my journal. “Hey! What the heck?”
“What? We weren’t going to leave you completely unpunished,” Luna said with a smirk, before she somehow ended up beside me, and planted(what I think was a kiss at least) a kiss on the cheek. “And that is for calling me soft and fluffy. That is the nicest thing a stallion could say about a mare’s coat, you know…” I gulped. “Worry not, it’s not flirtatious to say that about a mare’s coat, but we mares do appreciate the compliment. As for your current living situation, we ask that you remain here in Canterlot.” Luna paused to let her sister take over.
“I know of a small house you can live in. Food and rent will be paid for at expense to the Crown. You will also be paid a small amount so that you may spend it on any pleasantries you may wish to have. By the way, do not take this as an opportunity to close yourself in and be lazy. I do expect you to take this time to adjust to your new body and potentially develop skills for a job… I would like to ask, since you seem way too calm about this, how are you not panicking over being suddenly trapped in a strange world?” Princess Celestia asked.
“No more student debt. You’ve got wings, so it might be possible to exchange my horn for a pair of wings later, so maybe I can fly at some point,” I tapped my horn. “Plus this thing might be useful later, so that’ll be cool.” I chuckled a bit. “But really, back at home, I’d at least be $10k in debt for comedy school. And here, I’m not in debt unless breaking one Princess’s back sets me back by the costs of the hospital bill.”
“Fortunately for you, any medical, from dental to optical, is covered by the Crown, so my sister cannot dump her hospital bill on you,” she paused. “And Luna had access to medical staff within the castle.”
Yo! No debt!
Anyhow, that all happened yesterday, and now I’m sitting in my very unfurnished room, contemplating what the hell I’m going to do with all this free time. I’m so used to being drowned in college work, that I have no idea what to do with all this free time. On one hand, I could go out and explore, but what the heck am I gonna do? I do have this book on pony body language that I can read, and it looks kinda interesting, Also a fun little thing, I have a butt tattoo. As for what it means, I have no idea, and I didn’t bother asking anybody about it, since I was sorta… just left to my own devices after I was released from court. My butt tattoo was that of a microphone in the spotlight, and it was very well done.
I need to find the tattoo artist for this shit.
But the most fun thing about this butt tattoo wasn’t the fact that I had one, but the fact that it actually doubled as a pocket. As for how this is possible, since it’s actually a part of my ass, I’m not sure, but I’m not complaining. I had a pocket knife on me for some reason, which is kinda odd since… that was left in my pocket. Well, at least I can fumble with this before getting stabbed by somebody that’s trying to rob me. That’ll be a fun party trick for if I ever get back home, a butt tattoo that doubles as a pocket! I wonder if I could shove things up my-
Moving on, I grabbed the book on pony mannerisms and read along. Apparently nuzzles were more… kid friendly versions of making out, and kissing was an actual thing. For the most part, these are done in similar situations to humans, where it’s usually with a lover, or occasionally a kisses(to or from) very close friends that happen to be girls. So that’s a fun little thing, can’t wait for… Princess Luna kissed me earlier. Now, kissing can also be used to tease ponies(or humans) or just a sign of friendship. Maybe Luna was just saying her grudge, you know the one that happened because I almost killed her, that it was over and we could be friends… maybe. I doubt a princess would wanna be friends with me, an alien.
Well, I’ll probably be seeing the Crown a lot, since I’m a super secret, dangerous alien that wants to take over the world. That, or for tea time, since coffee doesn’t seem to exist. Pegasi, or the winged fuckers(lucky sons of a bitch), tend to use their wings as secondary arms, and a more intimate hug. Oh, and hugging also exists, but wing hugs are the most most special for you see… I have no idea. I’m not a pony with wings, so I can’t tell you a single thing as to what the heck is going on with that. Oh and alicorns use wings for hugs, which sounds adorable given that the only two that I have seen are thrice my height. Well time for math, if see horse with wings and they hug with legs, they no want fuck. If they do, then they want fuck. Good to know, I came up with a simple equation to keep in mind:
If you know pony wants fuck, either from verbal or physical cues, run in the opposite direction, and don’t speak to that pony again.
Oh, Unicorns tend to use the tips of their horns to display many things, from weird horn kisses, to sharing memories(for advanced wizardly bullshit), to using them as knives to stab each other with. Okay, if a pony touches tips with my horn, run away, and vanish from existence. Also horns are incredibly sensitive around the base for some reason Oh sick! I can teleport if I learn how to use magic. Seriously though, I don’t want to get in bed with a pony, that wouldn’t sound like a very stable relationship… I need to stop with these terrible puns, these ponies don’t even use stables!
A knock on the door drew my attention away from my book, so I logically tossed it halfway across the room, and got up to open the door. On the other side was Celestia flanked by a couple guards. “Yo,” I waved. “Are you finally here to kick me in the teeth?” I asked.
“No, I am simply here to have tea and chat with you,” Celestia said. I stepped aside to let her in, and she ducked since the door frame was still too short for the princess’s horn. “You two may remain outside, there is nothing that our friend Fruit Punch could do to me, even if he was willing to try something.” Okay cool, very well hidden threat m’lady. The guards did as asked and remained posted at my front door. “So, why do you assume I would kick you in the teeth?” the Sun Princess asked.
“Well, I was looking up at a moon last night, and I think your sister owns that. I figured that it would be impolite to stare at it.” My head sounded like an empty coconut when I got slapped in the head with my own hoof. It was glowing yellow.