I’m going to wake up any moment now, aren’t I?
By now, I’ve lost count of how many times these words have gone through my head. It started when I woke up and saw the good morning text Twilight sent me. As I read the words “I love you” from her, I thought for sure I had to still be asleep. There's no way in which this text exists in the waking world.
At first, the mundanity of school kept the thought at bay. Then I met Twilight before lunch and those words came to me once more. Again when we sat next to each other at lunch, shooting covert glances at one another. After the bell rang and we said our goodbyes on the steps, it happened again. As the Fall Formal drew closer, the frequency only increased.
Now, as I drive along the highway, Twilight holding on tight as she sits behind me on my motorcycle, I can’t stop thinking those words. I’m doing my best to focus on the road, but as I feel Twilight squeeze my waist even tighter than I’ve ever felt her before, it repeats on loop. I mean, this has to be a dream, right? Things aren't supposed to work out like this. Not for people like me, anyway.
Up until now, I’d thought about the events of a year ago very sparingly. It hadn’t been hard to push those memories to the back of my mind. So much has happened in the last 36 hours that there’d been no time to ruminate over the past. Things were calming down, though. You would think I’d be doing the same, but as things settle, there’s a vacancy in my mind. And if there’s room to move, things move.
If this were a dream, where would I wake up? What would life be like? Would I have asked Twilight out, or would I still be alone? Would I still be friends with the girls, or would they still hate me for still being such a bully? Would I wake up in my apartment on my bed, or would I regain consciousness at the bottom of a twenty foot hole in the ground?
I knew there was no point in asking myself these questions. Everything was far too real to be a dream, and if it were a dream, I would have certainly woken up by now. If I know that, then why do I continue to weigh myself down with so many uncomfortable questions of impossible scenarios? It felt as though my mind was punishing me. Things weren't going poorly enough, so it must fill the quota.
I didn’t want to acknowledge it, but deep down I knew the reason why I felt this way. Do I really deserve this?
I thought I had gotten over everything that happened a year ago, but I hadn’t. The only reason I ever believed that was because I was too distracted by everything else to think about it. Now that my mind was more clear, the dark clouds of my past rolled in and flooded the vacuum left in their wake.
If I could just get through the night, I would be fine. I could deal with this on my own when I got home. This was supposed to be me and Twilight’s big night, and I wasn’t about to let some stupid emotional baggage over something everyone else had gotten over weigh me down. At least that’s what I kept telling myself.
At the bottom of my heart, it truly felt like I deserved none of this. The feeling was unshakable. Initially, I felt pretty good about my confrontation with Timber, but after thinking about it, it made me doubt myself. It was so easy for me to flip the bitch switch back on when I needed it. Too easy. He was a piece of shit – there was no debating that – but it scared me how quickly I pulled out all my old tricks to belittle him. It frightened me how willing I was to beat him senseless, or how ready I was to manipulate the police into arresting him had he attacked me. How could I be so willing and able to do such things?
When I said I would risk expulsion from school or going to jail for the night just to beat his ass, I meant it. The fact that I said that with no hesitation terrified me. Expulsion would mean a whole year without seeing Twilight every day. And I knew kids who went to jail; it's life ruining. It made it impossible to find a job later on, and I hadn’t even graduated yet. Was I so eager to act the way I used to that I’d risk ruining my life? Maybe I had learned not to follow my impulses, but would I always be able to? Had I really changed, or did I just fool everyone, including myself?
The parking lot behind the school building was in sight. As we pulled in and found a spot, I forced my brain to push these thoughts as far back as I could. Tonight was supposed to be fun. I was going to hang out with my friends, mingle with the other students, and I’d get to do it standing next to the girl I loved the most. Anxiety wasn’t about to ruin this for me. Nothing was going to ruin this for me.
I shut my motorcycle off as I flicked the kickstand down. Both Twilight and I got off at the same time. We placed our helmets into their respective bags. Twilight handed me a hairbrush from her purse. Before we left, I’d told her I’d need it to fix my helmet hair. I was so lost in thought on the way over, I had forgotten I did that until she poked me with it. As always, I could count on her to remember everything.
I could hardly see as I brushed my hair, but I saw her smile at me as I did. “What? Does it look that bad?” I asked.
She giggled and shook her head. “No, I’m just excited.” She blushed, her eyes darting to the side. “That, and you’re really pretty.”
“You’re lucky I’m dealing with this rat’s nest on my head or I’d be squeezing the life out of you right now,” I replied. She chuckled as I finished getting my mountain of hair in order, handing the brush back to her upon completion.
“So, how do you want to do this?” I asked. Twilight tilted her head and raised an eyebrow. And Rarity said I was oblivious.
“How affectionate should we be tonight? It’s okay if you want to keep it a secret.” Truthfully, I wanted to beg and plead for her to let me show her affection all night, but her comfort was more important to me.
Twilight looked around the parking lot for a few seconds deep in thought. All night I’d been preparing to hear the answer I wanted to hear least. I was certain she’d tell me she didn’t want to tell the girls, and that I’d have to keep my hands to myself. The wait for her answer was agonizing, even if it was only a few seconds.
But to my surprise, Twilight grabbed my hand and held it. “I-I don’t care who knows. I don’t have to feel afraid as long as we’re together.”
I hope you’re right, I thought.
Ignoring that intrusive thought, I pulled her into a tight hug. As we pulled away from each other, we kissed.
“Come on,” I beckoned, “The girls are waiting for us on the steps in front of the school.”
Twilight nodded, grabbing my hand again. We smiled at each other and began walking around the school from the back. I could feel a well of anticipation building within me. I wasn’t concerned with how the rest of the school would react to us, but I was a little anxious to see our friends’ reaction to us holding hands when we met them. I wondered if any of them had made the connection on their own.
As we turned the corner of the school, I could see the spot where the school statue used to sit. Right above the portal to Equestria. Looking down, my mind immediately flashed back to a memory from one year ago.
I could see myself holding a sledgehammer right next to the portal. Princess Twilight was standing in front of our friends. I was getting ready to trap both the princess and myself in this dimension forever. Of course, I knew I was bluffing, but I was hoping she wouldn’t catch that. It was a last-ditch effort for a plan I thought was about to fail.
Tick-tock, Twilight. We haven't got all night. The portal will be closing on its own in less than an hour. So, what's your answer?
No.
What!? Equestria! Your friends! Lost to you forever! Don't you see what I'm about to do to the portal?!
Yes, but I've also seen what you've been able to do here without magic. Equestria will find a way to survive without my Element of Harmony. This place might not, if I allow it to fall into your hands. So go ahead. Destroy the portal. You are not getting this crown!
Fine. You win.
I remember tossing the sledgehammer to the side afterwards. I truly believed it was over. I wish that’s where that story ended. On a regular day, remembering what happened afterward made my stomach turn. Tonight, it twisted it into a knot.
“Sunset?” Twilight tugged on my arm. “Is everything okay?”
I didn’t realize I’d stopped walking. Her words snapped me out of my flashback. I shook my head. “Yeah! Everything’s fine, just nervous. That’s all,” I lied.
Twilight looked worried, but she smiled at me as we kept walking toward the entrance of the school. When we turned the corner, all the girls were there waiting for us. Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie were having their own conversation while Rarity, Applejack and Rainbow Dash held their own. As we drew closer, all eyes were drawn to us.
“Well it’s about time!” Dash shouted. I winced as she did. We weren’t that late, were we? And had she not noticed Twilight and I were holding hands? I thought of all people Rainbow Dash would be the first to make a snarky comment.
“Sorry we’re late. We got held up by a couple things,” I apologized.
Applejack shook her head. “She ain’t talkin’ about that, sugarcube.”
“Yeah, you guys are only a few minutes late.” Fluttershy added.
Twilight and I glanced at each other. Both of us looked confused. A few moments of awkward silence passed before someone finally broke the ice again.
“We’re talking about the hand thing!” Dash exclaimed, “And now, AJ owes me twenty bucks.”
Wait, what? Why would she owe her–
That’s when it hit me. When I made the connection, I glared over at Rarity.
Rarity flinched as she received my dirty look. “D-Don’t look at me, darling! I didn’t say a word, honest!”
“It’s true,” Dash confirmed, “In fact, she kept trying to tell us you two weren’t going to end up together.”
This was all so confusing. I looked over at Twilight, who was slowly moving to stand behind me, hiding her face behind her free hand. Could she just not be so adorable for five seconds? I knew the answer was no, but now wasn’t the appropriate time for me to want to squeeze her and she was making it so hard not to.
“Then how did you know? Did everyone know?” I asked.
A mixture of nods and “yeps” rang out from the group. I felt my face burning up. “How long did you–?”
“Just a tip, sugarcube,” Applejack interrupted, “If y’all are gonna yell at each other early in the morning about whether or not you got a crush on someone, try not to do it within earshot of the room we’re all sleepin’ in.”
The burning feeling in my face spread throughout my whole body. Twilight was hiding behind me, completely speechless. I was almost worried she might be overwhelmed, but it was hard to do anything about that when I was already overwhelmed myself.
“I knew it was gonna happen before the sleepover,” said Pinkie, “I could tell just by the way Twilight looked at you that she had it bad!” Of course Pinkie just knew. She always just knows things.
“I pretended to be asleep when you two came back in the room during Twilight’s first sleepover. When I saw you carrying Twilight’s sleeping bag over to yours, I kind of figured there was something going on. It was so cute, so romantic!” beamed Fluttershy.
“Dash here didn’t figure out until she noticed Twilight was shadowin’ Sunset every time we went anywhere,” claimed Applejack, "Even then, she had to ask. I had to be the one to tell 'er."
Dash scowled at her, “Hey! I noticed the sleeping bags too! I-I just didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to spoil the surprise for the rest of you.” It was evident Rainbow Dash was unable to convince even herself.
I crossed my arms and gave her a smug grin. “Come on, Dash. I thought you were the fast one.”
“Yeah, she’s quick as a whip alright. Sharp as a marble, too.” Applejack smirked at Dash, to which Dash replied with a light punch on the arm.
“You owe me twenty bucks now, so who’s a whip now, huh?”
Applejack laughed. “Marble, sugarcube.”
“Whatever! You know what I mean!” Dash snapped.
Everyone had a good laugh. Except for Twilight. She was still hidden behind me, but I could tell she wasn’t in distress. I was so proud of her, though. A few months ago, she’d probably be begging me to go home right about now, but she stuck it out. In a few minutes, she’d get over how flustered she was and be back to her normal self.
Applejack made her way to the front door. “I don’t reckon we came here just to stand outside. Let’s get to the gym, y’all.”
The rest of the girls filtered in behind her. After the door closed, I turned around and faced Twilight. She hadn’t let go of my hand for that entire conversation. When she realized it was just us, she stopped hiding her face in her hand.
I gave her a kiss on the forehead. “You okay? They didn’t overwhelm you, did they?”
“I’m fine! I just… I can’t believe they all knew. Everyone knew except me. I feel so silly,” she replied.
I chuckled. “You’re telling me. I should have known AJ heard me when she interrupted me and Rarity’s discussion that morning.” I gave her a quick hug, then I tugged on her arm to lead her up the steps.
“One day I want to hear about that conversation,” said Twilight.
“You don’t. It was embarrassing,” I replied.
She just laughed. “I know, that’s why I want to!” I gave her a sheepish grin in response.
As we made it to the door, I immediately remembered the gaping hole I blasted in the front of the school one year ago. I spent weeks helping with the repairs, and had my wages garnished for months to help pay for the things that I couldn’t do on my own. For a while, my days consisted of class, brick laying, work, studying, and sleeping with very little free time. Honestly, I would have preferred doing that forever over them taking money from my paycheck. For a few months, my diet consisted of nothing but ice cube soup in water broth. It was pretty miserable.
And pretty lonely for a while.
That memory wasn’t fun, but compared to the next that resurfaced, I remembered it fondly. When we walked into the school’s main entrance, I could see all of the students and teachers again. They were all limping forward, slack-jawed with glowing green eyes. Every single one of them was under my control. Or they would have been, had I actually been in control at that moment.
I felt another pull on my arm. “Sunset? Are you sure everything’s okay?”
Twilight looked even more worried than the last time. Once again, I shook my head. “Yeah! I’m still just a little out of it. I’ll be fine.”
Twilight hesitated before opening her mouth. “You aren’t… having flashb–?”
I held up my hand. “No. That’s all behind me. I’m fine, I promise.”
It didn’t look like she bought it, but she looked too afraid to prod any more than that. Instead, we both walked forward toward the gym. Rarity was standing outside the entrance. She held a plastic red cup in her hand, taking a sip as we approached.
“A moment, Sunset?” she asked.
I glanced at Twilight who smiled at me. “Do you mind meeting with the girls while we talk real quick?”
She nodded. “That’s fine. See you in a bit!”
Twilight leaned in and our lips met. Immediately I felt bad. Rarity was standing right in front of us. It felt like I was rubbing it in her face. When I looked back over to her, though, she seemed unbothered. That was a relief. Twilight made her way into the gym. As the door closed behind her, the sound echoed through the hallways of the school.
“What’s up?” I asked.
“First off, I can’t believe you’re wearing those colors together. Is this your way of getting back at me for not making your outfit? How dreadful!” she answered.
I rolled my eyes. “Is that it?”
“I’m merely joking. How are you feeling?” she answered with a question of her own.
“Shouldn’t I be asking you that?” I replied.
Rarity shook her head. “Relax, darling. I told you during class – I feel much better after our talk.” She smiled wide. “I’m so happy to see you two be so open, by the way!”
“Thanks!” I smiled back at her awkwardly. “So, what did you need me for then?”
“I just told you and you avoided the question. How are you feeling?” she repeated.
“I’m doing good! I got a chance to tell Timber off earlier tonight. He showed up at Twilight’s house while I was outside. We didn’t fight, but I embarrassed him so badly he left without incident.”
Rarity gave a mischievous smile. “Excellent! Though I’m disappointed to hear there were no bricks thrown.” She laughed after her comment. As much as I did want to chuck a brick at his head, the comment made me feel uncomfortable. Did she really expect me to follow through with something like that?
Regardless, I feigned a laugh. “I would have if he tried something, but I could tell he was afraid of me. At one point I flicked a cigarette at him and he jumped.”
Rarity’s smile persisted as her brow furrowed. “I thought you quit smoking?”
“I was stressed out,” I shrugged, “Twilight and I had a, well, stressful conversation.”
Rarity nodded, taking another sip from her cup. “I’ll let you go in a moment, but I know you know why I’m asking you that question. Now, I want a real, honest answer this time. How are you feeling?”
By now I should know better than to try to pull the wool over Rarity’s eyes, but I was hoping she’d take the hint and let this go.
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I’m… having a bit of a harder time than I thought I would. I really wasn’t worried before tonight, but I’ve been reliving quite a few unpleasant memories since we arrived.”
“I figured as much,” she said, taking another drink. I’ve probably asked this one hundred times, but how does she read me so easily?
“If it gets to be too much, promise me you’ll say something to someone. If not to me, then Twilight,” she pleaded.
I frowned at her. “Look, you don’t need to worry about me. Twilight and I are going to have a good night tonight. I’m not going to let some distant memories get in the way.”
“You and I both know they are not as distant as you’re telling yourself. There’s no shame in how you feel. We all know you’re a very different person now.”
I faked a smile at her. I knew she was trying to comfort me, but talking about this was only making me think about it, and that was the last thing I wanted to do tonight.
"Promise?" she repeated.
"Fine! Yes, I promise," I replied.
“Good. Now you may enter,” she stated.
She hopped up from the wall she was leaning against and opened the door to the gym. I walked in as she held the door open for me. I immediately realized what Rarity meant when she said those “memories” of mine were not as distant as I told myself. The moment I walked into the gym, they came back to me in vivid detail.
One moment, I saw all my classmates and friends standing around the gym. The lights were flashing, the music was blaring, and everyone was having the time of their life. Then I blinked. When I opened my eyes, I could see myself, Snips and Snails tearing through the gym. We were destroying all of Pinkie’s party decorations, flipping tables, and damaging expensive electrical equipment.
There was a plan at the end of all of the destruction, but in the moment, I was just happy to destroy. Violence for violence’s sake was fun to me. And the fact that it was ruining everyone else’s fun was just an added bonus. It’s no wonder it took everyone so long to lose their apprehension about me.
I snapped out of it when I felt something touch my hand. I looked to my side. There was Twilight, smiling at me again. I could tell she was putting a brave face on. All the noise in the room made it hard to hear anything, and Twilight hated being in a loud environment.
I leaned close to her ear. “How are you holding up?”
“I was just about to ask you that!” she shouted over the noise.
“I’m good! Let’s go hang out with the others!” I didn’t look at her face or listen for a response. I was afraid she wouldn’t buy my excuse a third time. Instead, I pulled her along with me as we found our group of friends.
All of them were standing close to the punch bowl. Hopefully I’d be able to get a cup before someone dumped alcohol in it. As much as I’d love to drown my restless mind in booze, I had to bring Twilight home with me. My apartment was within walking distance, but if she wanted to go to her house, she’d be walking for an hour or so.
I poured a cup for myself first, sipping a little and swishing it in my mouth for a moment. No burn, and no pungent aftertaste. Then I poured a cup for Twilight and handed it to her.
It was genuinely surprising to me how much better this year’s Fall Formal looked compared to the last. I wanted to make sure she knew it was noticed, so I walked over to Pinkie and leaned in close to her ear. “You did an excellent job with the planning and decorating this year, Pinkie.”
Pinkie turned around, grinning ear to ear. “Thanks, Sunset! I had a lot more time this year since… Well, yeah!” she said in her normal tone of voice which could still be heard over the music. I smiled at her, but her comment stung. She had so much more time this year because I didn’t ruin everything this time. It must be a lot easier to plan and decorate when someone doesn’t go out of their way to destroy everything.
But that’s not what she meant. I was being overdramatic. Instead of dwelling on it, I just stood there with my friends. We’d move to the music, occasionally we’d chat, but we were all having fun. The night was just getting started. I wasn’t going to let self-doubt get in my way.
Twilight was still standing right behind me like my adorable little shadow. I thought about coaxing her into doing her own thing, but I could tell she was struggling already. If I tried to push her away, she certainly wouldn’t budge. But I didn’t want her to, anyway. In truth, I was pretty uncomfortable myself. I think she was keeping me grounded as much as she thought I was keeping her.
I thought back to what Rarity said. About how I should reach out if I need to. If not to her, then to Twilight. But I pushed the thought out of my mind. I would be okay once I got into the groove of things and started having some fun. Plus, Twilight needed me more in a setting like this. Crowds made her nervous, and I was her anchor.
The music began to quiet down. The beginning of the formal was always the loudest part. After the volume decreased, the seven of us began talking again. At first, we held a group conversation about my confrontation with Timber. I felt that sense of triumph once again after I got to tell the girls how everything unfolded.
Both Dash and AJ were the most amused by the story. “So he was really about to cross the fence and fight you?” asked Dash.
I nodded as I took a drink. “He was about a step away from the driveway, but right before he took that last step, I mentioned the fact that one of Twilight’s neighbors would probably call the cops on him.”
“I’m surprised they didn’t when they saw you out there smokin’,” remarked AJ. That got a laugh out of me, but it felt a little weird too. I knew a bunch of rich old people would think I’m a delinquent, but did that mean she thought so too? I pushed the thought away. I was overthinking again.
Then I showed them what I did when I told him the cops would be on my side. Most of the girls just chuckled awkwardly, but both Dash and Applejack lost it.
Once they calmed down again, I kept telling the story. “After that he got the hint. He got all huffy, called me a dyke again and stormed off like a little bitch with his tail between his legs.” I looked back at Twilight, she was still smiling.
Throughout my retelling, I kept looking back at her for her approval. I didn’t want to overdo it and make her feel awkward. But not once did she look even the least bit uncomfortable. Several times, it looked like she was trying not to laugh as hard as the other girls. If anything, I think she was keeping a lid on just how much she enjoyed hearing it. I couldn’t blame her after everything Timber did to her.
Applejack had a look of confusion as she chuckled. “Does he even know what a dyke is?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know, but I didn’t let him have the last word. I told him to enjoy knowing he was such a shit boyfriend he turned a girl gay.”
Dash spit her drink out all over the floor which made everyone else laugh equally as hard as her. I felt on top of the world as my story concluded.
As things calmed down, Rainbow Dash pointed at me. “I guess you still have the old Sunset in you when it counts, huh?”
That comment threw me off. I knew how to interpret what she said. I knew what she meant was “you’ve changed, and now you know when it’s an appropriate time to be mean”, but that’s not the way my brain decided to hear it. Instead, all it took from that was “you’re still the same you, aren’t you?” I felt all my pride rapidly deflating. It might be more accurate to say it popped from how quickly it dissipated.
“Yeah, I guess so,” I responded, trying to hide my dejection. The conversation was almost over. I could slink back afterwards and get over myself once it was. I just had to hide how I was feeling a little longer.
“I’ll be honest, I’m a little surprised at you Sunset,” Applejack remarked.
Or not. I raised an eyebrow. “Why?”
She just shrugged at first. “I guess I would have expected you to put him in the dirt the moment he threatened you.”
“Me too,” Dash agreed, “I mean, he deserved it.”
Once again, I knew that meant “I would have expected you to fiercely defend yourself in the face of a threat”, something that Dash’s comment confirmed. But my brain didn’t see it that way. The words entered my mind and were translated into “I was expecting you to resort to violence, because that’s just the kind of person you are”. Everything I felt on the way here came rushing back to me. It was frighteningly easy for me to pull out the tricks I used to use a year ago.
Like I’d never really changed at all.
“I thought it was really smart how you’d act if the cops were called. That probably scared him off the most.” Fluttershy giggled. “I guess you’re using your old tricks for good now.” She smiled sweetly at me. Despite her reassuring smile, it did nothing but make me feel empty.
They’re all talking me up. They’re all indirectly telling me I’ve changed. All of these things they’re saying are positive – they’re praising me. Yet why can’t I stop myself from thinking they’re not praise at all? It all feels backhanded. Like I’m being mocked.
It’s hard to convince myself otherwise. Even right now, I’m showing how good I am at lying. I’m still smiling and laughing along, but I feel like they’re all taking turns stabbing at me and laughing after the fact. Everything they’re saying hurts so much.
And I feel so stupid. So incredibly stupid. There’s no reason for me to feel like this. The answers are right in front of me, but because I don’t feel like they’re the answers, my mind won’t accept them. I didn’t know how much longer I could keep this up. All their comments made me want to shrivel up and die. It was like they knew the exact right things to say to remind me of how awful I used to be.
Were they wrong, though? I was pretty awful. Is it really my place to complain when my own actions are the reason I feel this way?
Eventually the subject moved away from my altercation with Timber. Everyone split up into their own conversation. Everyone except me. Instead, I just faded into the background. I leaned up against the wall, holding an empty cup while I stared into space. If anyone asked why I was quiet, I’d just say I was tired. I didn’t want to talk. I didn’t want to dump my emotional bullshit onto anyone.
Rarity was silent through that entire conversation, aside from laughing when I described certain events. I thought back to what she said to me before I entered the gym. Once again, I thought about reaching out to Twilight, or maybe to her. Once again, I refrained. Both of them were having fun, and I didn’t want to bring the mood down.
I just needed a little more time. A little more time to stare off into space. A little more time for the music and the crowd to drown my brain in the white noise they created together. A little more time to stand here by myself spiraling further into anxiety.
This night isn’t about me. Everyone’s having a great time, so I won’t ruin it for them. Everyone’s having fun, so I’m having fun. Twilight is having fun, so I’m having fun.
And I’m not convincing anyone by standing here motionless. Least of all myself.
Really, I just wanted to go home.
“Everything okay?”
I jumped. When I looked to my side, there was Twilight. “I hope I’m not getting annoying, but you just seem a little quiet.”
Damn it, no. This is supposed to be our night, and here I am pouting like a little baby because my feelings are hurt by nothing. No one even tried to make me feel bad, I just decided I was going to feel like this. Now my girlfriend is worrying about me and so is everyone else probably. I needed to deal with these feelings, and I couldn’t let anyone see me while I did.
“Yeah! I’m fine. Listen, I’m gonna go run to the restroom. I’ll be back in a couple minutes,” I lied.
Twilight looked at me with that concerned expression again. “Do you want me to come with you?” I could tell by her tone she wasn’t buying my excuse, but I couldn’t stand to be seen by anyone right now. Least of all her.
“Nah, I won’t be long,” I lied again.
“Okay,” she responded. She sounded dejected. Way to go, me.
Still, I hugged and kissed her. Then I turned away, throwing my cup away as I made my way out of the gym. I didn’t really need to go to the bathroom. I needed a cigarette. Maybe if I didn’t already feel so bad about myself, I’d be trying to keep my promise to Twilight. You know, the one I made an hour ago. But it felt pointless to resist. I was probably going to mess up this relationship before I knew it anyway.
My boots clacked against the linoleum floors of the school hallways. There were a few others standing out in the hallway, but it was still mostly quiet outside of all the noise from the gym. I made my way out of the front entrance. I paused as I looked at the front school yard.
In the grass next to the statue, there was a line between the old and new grass. The new grass was there to cover up a gigantic crater. It may have been a year, but you can still clearly see the outline of the hole that used to be there. As I walked into the circle and stood in the middle, I realized I was standing 20 feet above where I was laying at around this time last year. I remember the pain my body was in as I climbed to the rim of that hole in the ground.
I-I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Dirt was in my eyes. My clothes were in tatters. Cuts and bruises adorned every part of my body. Tears were streaming down my face. Everyone in the school was staring at me. I’d never felt so much regret in my life. I looked as pathetic as I felt.
Twelve months have passed, and I’ve still never felt anything like that. Fifty two weeks have gone by, and I still think about how awful everything felt. Three-hundred and sixty five days later, that regret was just as heavy as it had ever been. Eight thousand seven hundred and sixty hours since that moment, and I haven’t changed a bit.
I let out a deep sigh as I ran my fingers through my hair. Was I really going to do this? Disappear into the night, ruin my first date, worry all my friends and my girlfriend because of my own stupid uncontrollable emotions? My question was answered by my body as I put one foot in front of the other, walking back to my motorcycle.
My mind was fighting an uphill battle against itself. I couldn’t just leave Twilight here all alone. I had to take her home. But both Rarity and Applejack also drove themselves here. They could give her a ride. She didn’t need me. None of them did.
They were better off without me.
As I unlocked my saddlebag and grabbed my lighter and smokes, I kept trying to convince myself to turn around. I’d worked tirelessly for months to get where I am now. I’d spent weeks pining over Twilight, planning things out with Rarity to make sure everything went perfectly. Was I really going to throw that all away right now?
Twilight would be so upset. I was her anchor. Her security blanket. Right now, she’s in a stuffy, loud room by herself. Our friends may be there, but I know she doesn’t feel as safe around them as she does with me. She would hate me after this. But that’s okay. She would eventually anyway, right? Twilight didn’t need me.
She was better off without me.
Once again, I thought back to what Rarity said. This seemed like the perfect point in which I should talk to someone. I was just so far down the spiral that I couldn't help but feel like it was too late. I'd gone too far. Trying to sneak out just so I could engage in a bad habit instead of talking about my problems was bad enough. Even worse was the fact that my problems weren't real problems. Why was I such a drama queen?
I would have loved to light up in the back parking lot, and I heavily considered it, but decided against it. I didn’t want to risk one of the teachers or chaperones catching me in the act. Not just because I didn’t want to risk suspension, but because I didn’t want to be seen by anyone in general.
There was a bridge overlooking a river just a few blocks away. That was the perfect spot to go. Far enough away from the school for no one to catch me, close enough that the walk to and from wouldn’t be too long. And no one would think to look for me there.
I slipped the pack and the lighter into my pockets and began the walk. It was just a little before 8 PM. The streets were slowing down and the lights of the city were slowly shutting off for the night. Once I was a few blocks away from the school, I pulled out a cigarette and lit it up as I kept walking. It provided minimal relief to my nerves this time, but some was better than none.
Part of my mind was still shouting for me to go back, but I knew it was too late. If I showed back up, I’d have to explain to everyone why going to the bathroom took me half an hour. I’d have to explain why they couldn’t find me in any of the bathrooms they’ve inevitably gone looking for me in by now. I’d have to explain why I smelled like smoke to Twilight after I’d already broken my promise to her once this evening. I shat my bed, and eventually I’d have to lie in it. The longer I could put that off, the better.
Eventually I got to the halfway point of the bridge. That’s where I stopped. I leaned over the railing, using my crossed arms to prop myself up. I looked up at the starry sky. I briefly took my cigarette out to breathe in the early October air. That was a smell I used to love. Now it just filled me with dread. And it probably would for the rest of my life. Not just because of what happened a year ago, but tonight too. The night I threw everything away for no reason.
I took the last drag of my cigarette as slowly as I could. Then I took the filter out and flicked it into the river as I sighed, the smoke mixing with the condensation from my breath.
“I thought I told you to quit,” I heard. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. For a few seconds, I desperately hoped that wasn’t the voice I knew it was.
When I looked to my right, there she was. Twilight was standing about ten feet away. She didn’t look upset. Just concerned. Even more concerned than earlier. If I were a better person, I would take that as a sign to explain why I was out here doing what I was doing, apologize, stop smoking and agree to come back. And part of me really wanted to do that.
But a much larger part of me kept telling me it was already too late. I was caught red handed. I couldn't explain myself. Instead, I just pulled another cigarette out of my pocket and lit it right in front of her.
“Why?” she asked.
I took a puff and looked toward the river again. “It soothes my nerves.”
“No. Why won’t you tell me what’s wrong?” she insisted, “I’ve been patient with you, but you’re not being fair.”
I let out an empty chuckle. She didn’t look upset, but her tone certainly gave that impression. “Because the only thing that’s wrong is me.”
I didn’t look to see her reaction. I was too much of a coward. I just took another drag.
“It’s because you’re overwhelmed by bad memories, and you still blame yourself for everything that happened. Isn’t it?” she prodded.
I furrowed my brow, still trying not to look in her direction. “Who else am I supposed to blame, then?”
“Why does it matter who you blame?”
“I don’t know, it just does!” I snapped.
A few seconds went by without a response. I kept smoking. There was still that part of my brain screaming for me to stop while I’m behind. I could still salvage this. I'd have to beg for forgiveness from Twilight and the rest of my friends, but I'd done it before, right? I could do it again, right?
Right?
No. I can't salvage this. If I’m going to ruin things between us, I might as well make it quick.
I heard Twilight take a step forward. “Sunset, I understand how you’re feeling. You don’t have to go through this alone.”
“Do you, Twilight?” I responded, “Do you really?”
“Yes. We’re the only two people on the planet who’ve been through what we’ve been through!” she argued.
I looked down at the river and laughed. “Okay, fair point. But you still don’t get it.”
“Sunset, you’re–”
I finally turned toward her with a scowl. “Whenever anyone thinks about what happened to you, they feel sorry for you. Whenever anyone thinks about what happened to me, they’re happy about it!”
“What are you talking about?” Twilight was staring me down.
“No matter what happened at the friendship games, you were the victim. At the Fall Formal, I was the culprit and everyone else was the victim!” I shouted. “I got shoved into a twenty foot hole in the ground, and everyone was better off because of it!”
“You made a mistake!” she stated firmly, “Everyone has moved on, Sunset. They love you!”
I clenched my jaw. “Have they? Do they?!”
A few moments of silence went by. Twilight had no response, but she looked like she wasn’t backing down.
“Tell me: how many times have you had to be reminded of the person you were before the games? How many times have you had to sit through your friends reminding you of how big of a piece of shit you used to be?! How many times have you had to hear about something you broke, or something you ruined, or someone you hurt?! How many times, Twilight?!”
Twilight’s stern gaze was beginning to crack, but not out of fear. It was just that look of concern again. It felt like pity. I hated pity. It infuriated me.
“I was proud of myself! So proud of how I handled that dickhead Timber! I told him off! I controlled myself! For months I thought about beating him senseless! But I didn't! And what do I get to hear because of that? ‘Gee Sunset, it’s good to see you can still be a complete fucking bitch like you used to be. You haven’t changed a bit, huh?! You’re just faking it!’ That’s the thanks I get?! Fuck! That!”
By this point, I would have expected Twilight to be shaken by how loud and angry I was, but she still didn’t budge an inch. She wasn’t frightened at all. She just felt sorry for me. I should have felt grateful, but it just angered me even more. What part of “you should start hating me now” was escaping her? How animated did I have to get to make her realize I wasn't worth it?
“Sunset, you know that’s not what they mean,” she appealed.
“Then why is that all I can hear?! It’s all I ever hear and I can’t stand it! I have to live with what I did forever!” I yelled.
I took a deep breath to try to calm myself, but it didn’t work. Tears began to stream down my cheeks as I started choking on my words.
“But how can I be upset about that?! Everything I’m bitching about, I did to myself! I have to go through this alone because of the choices I’ve made! How can I expect you, or anyone else to understand or even care?! None of you know what it’s like to be afraid of yourself all the time!”
Twilight didn’t respond, she just kept giving me that worried look. It was driving me crazy. I just wanted her to stop looking at me. It only made me want to cry harder. I just wanted her to turn around and go back to school. I wanted her to tell all our friends how awful I was. Tell them I hurt her, and that I shouldn’t be trusted anymore because of how I’m acting.
“What am I supposed to do, Twilight? Ask them to stop bringing it up? Hey guys, can you please stop making me experience the consequences of my actions? That’d be great! I. Can’t. Do that!” I screamed.
Slowly, Twilight began to inch toward me. I started backing away as she did. “It wasn't enough for me to ruin your night! Now I'm ruining our relationship! I left you all alone! Stop wasting your time with such an awful person and run while you still can! Stop being nice to me! I’m just going to hurt you again! Just like I’m doing right now! Just like I did yesterday! We've been together for less than two days and I'm doing this a second time! Don't you see what you're signing up for?! Give! Up!”
She kept walking toward me, holding her hand out as she got closer. “You haven’t ruined anything, Sunset. No one is upset with you. We’re all just worried. Please, just take a deep breath.”
“No! You’re just–. I…” Every time I tried to speak, I’d cough or choke. The lump in my throat had swollen to a degree that made it hard to breathe.
“Please, Sunset. It’s okay. I know you’re hurt. You're just scared. Please, just take a deep breath, stop walking away and let me get closer. Let me help you.”
I could feel my throat closing up. “Y-You’re making a big mistake…”
“I know what I’m doing, Sunset. You’re my girlfriend. I love you. I just want to help you. You’ve helped me through so much. Now please, just let me help you.”
I didn’t want to listen. I didn't want her to love me. I wanted her to hate me. I wanted her to acknowledge the mistake I knew she was making. But she just kept coming. My legs wobbled and I finally stopped back stepping. I couldn't keep this up anymore. My knees slammed against the concrete bridge as I fell to them. Before I could collapse into a ball, Twilight ran up to me.
“I’ve got you,” she said as she gently caught me in her embrace. All I could do was wail as she held me tight. Twilight rubbed my back, in and out slowly.
I felt like such an idiot. All of this, and for what? Why had I done all this? An otherwise perfectly fine night, and I had to ruin it by being unable to control my emotions. I felt so deeply ashamed of everything. What an embarrassment I am. I’d made such a huge scene over nothing.
Still, Twilight held me tight. It perplexed me. No matter what, he didn’t move an inch. Even after all the horrible things I said, even when I tried to pull away while I was still sobbing, she wouldn’t let me go. I was too weak to do anything about it. The only time I felt her grip loosen was when she pulled out her phone at one point, but other than that she held firm.
I’d calm down for a few moments, then I’d panic again. I couldn’t stop bouncing between the two for I don’t know how long. It felt like hours. Both my body and mind were becoming exhausted. My mouth was so dry and breathing didn't get any easier. Sometimes I'd cough until I gagged. But Twilight never faltered. Not even once.
I wasn’t sure how long it had been, but before long I heard a car pull up and stop next to us. A few moments later, when I had reached another lull in my panic, she lifted my head from her shoulder.
“Sunset?” She spoke for the first time in a while. “Rarity’s here to pick us up. We’re gonna get you back to your apartment. Can I have your keys? Dash is going to make sure your bike gets home if that’s okay with you.”
Finally she pulled away from the hug. My hair was draped over my face. I could hardly tell who was in the car aside from Rarity, but I refused to move my hair. I couldn’t stand to be seen in this state. I felt so embarrassed about everything.
There were no words I could summon. Only more choking noises. I just fished my keys out of my pocket and put them in Twilight’s hand. Twilight then carefully dug her hand into my pocket and pulled the pack of cigarettes out. A few movements and moments later, I heard a splash. She’d thrown them into the river. It hurt, but it was probably for the best. I certainly wasn't going to stop her, and I was in no state to argue. I was in no state to do anything.
After that, Twilight helped me get to my feet and into the backseat of Rarity’s car. I could hardly see past my hair. It reminded me of the day prior, when I was sitting on the bench doing this exact same thing.
I could see her talk to two other figures outside. The sound of the car’s engine was all I could hear, however. It looked like Rarity was in the driver’s seat, but she didn’t say a word or even look back at me. That was okay. I wouldn’t want to look at me either.
The exhaustion from the sheer intensity and length of my emotional outburst began to set in. I didn’t know what time it was, and I wasn’t going to pull out my phone to check. I just sat there in the back seat, sniffling and occasionally coughing until I gagged. My remaining energy was fading and my eyes were growing heavy.
What I remember of the ride home was mostly silent. I felt Twilight squeeze my hand. Part of me wanted to pull it away, but the daze I found myself in was too strong for me to protest. And before I could process anything else, it became impossible to hold my eyes open. Within a few moments, I was out cold.
“...can put the keys over there. Yeah… Yeah, I’ll text you in the morning… will if I need to, but we should be fine. Thank you so much… what we’d do without you…”
My head throbbed as my bleary eyes crept open. My vision was blurred. It was hard to tell exactly where I was or what time it was. I could hear a couple voices. I assumed they were talking about me, but I could barely understand what they were saying. If nothing else, I could recognize Twilight’s voice anywhere. One of our friends must be there, too.
“See you tomorrow. Thanks again.”
The sound of footsteps could be heard, but they quickly became distant. I could hear a creak followed by a slam. The impact made me jump, but after the metal clacking sound immediately after, I recognized where I was. I was in my apartment, laying on my couch, staring up at the ceiling. I felt something gently squeeze my hand again. It was just like what I felt moments before I passed out. Twilight and our friends must have taken me home and brought me upstairs.
“Good morning, sleepyhead,” Twilight sang as she placed a cup of water on the coffee table in front of us.
I sat up slowly, brushing my hair out of my face, pressing my fingers into one of my throbbing temples afterward. Twilight was sitting next to me on the couch holding my hand. She had a sympathetic smile on her face. My brain sputtered as I tried to think of something to say. Nothing came to mind.
“How are you feeling, Sunny?”
I grabbed the cup and took a sip. I wanted to down the whole thing, but I drank it slow. I tried to think of an answer for how I was feeling, but my brain wouldn't turn over. Eventually, I went with the first thing my brain could spit out.
“I… uhm… am I dead?” I stammered.
Twilight was silent for a few minutes. Then she started laughing. I clutched my head at the sudden increase in noise. “N-Not so loud, please.”
She immediately stopped. “Oh. Sorry.” She kissed me on the forehead. “But no, you’re not dead. We’re at your apartment. You passed out not long after Rarity picked us up.”
Right. All of that happened. That sense of shame started filling my body once more. As all the memories of the previous night came rushing back, I kind of wished she said yes. I suppose it was time for me to lie in the aforementioned bed I soiled, in a mercifully metaphorical sense.
As if she could sense how I felt, Twilight pulled me into a hug. “It’s okay. No one’s upset at you. I promise.”
Part of me wanted to cry again, but I refrained. Between the last two days, I don’t think I had any tears left. Instead, I relaxed into her embrace and hugged her back.
Then we sat still for a while. Here we were, in yet another hug where neither of us wanted to pull away. Eventually, Twilight was the one to move things forward. I sat up on the couch as she pulled away.
I held my gaze to the floor. “Twilight, look… I’m really s–”
She held a finger up. “No. No sorries. Not tonight.”
I wasn’t sure how to react at first. “But I–”
“Sunset.” She interrupted me as she cupped my face, leading my eyes to her own. “I admire so many things about you.”
I just kept looking into her eyes as she paused.
“You’re my rock. You’re the one person I know I can lean on when I need to. Even when you’re not one hundred percent, you’re still the most dependable person I know. And I know I’m not the only one who feels that way.”
Another brief pause passed before she continued her explanation. “But there’s a fine line between selflessness and self-destruction, and you’re constantly crossing it. That's why this keeps happening.”
I frowned and tried to look away, but she brought my face back to her again. “I know all about your past and how much you regret it, but I know that’s not you anymore either. We all do. You’ve done more than enough to prove that to me and the rest of the girls. It doesn’t matter what you did, and it doesn’t matter who you used to be. What matters is now. What matters is that the Sunny I know is one of the most wonderful, loving, and thoughtful girls I’ve ever met. That any of us have ever met.”
I wanted to say so much, but my brain still felt as though it was swimming in oil.
“I know I’m meek and timid. I know I get unreasonably anxious about a lot of things. And I know I depend on you a lot to help me deal with those things. But you’re my girlfriend. I’m not as weak as you may think I am. I love you, and I’m here for you to help you deal with all of those things, just like you are for me. And I always will be. You deserve all of the love, consideration and understanding you give to me, even when you don’t think you do.”
Her eyes glistened with tears as she peered into mine, but she held her smile. “I just want you to see yourself the way I see you. To feel about yourself how I feel about you. You’re my hero. Not just because you saved my life, but because of all the things you do for me and everyone else. I love you, Sunny.”
With her conclusion, she pulled me into a hug. I held onto her as tight as I could. Just when I thought I had no more tears left to cry, they began to flow once again. And after they started, they didn’t stop. At least I wasn't choking on my own throat this time.
I couldn’t tell how long we sat in that position. It could have been days for all I cared. Hearing that felt so relieving. If those words came from anyone else, I might reject them. I might believe they were just trying to placate me. But hearing them from the love of my life made me believe them. I wasn’t who I used to be. I wasn’t always going to believe that, and when I didn’t, I had to let myself fall back on the people who knew better to remind me. Not push them away. My friends were always going to be there. Twilight was always going to be there.
I was still afraid of what would come tomorrow. The thought of all the explaining I’d eventually have to do to Twilight and the rest of my friends might make me want to sink into the earth. But at that moment, nothing else mattered. Neither the past nor the future mattered. Just the present. The entire world melted around us. It was just me and the girl I loved more than life itself.
Soon, she stood me up and brought me over to bed. We both took off most of our clothes and climbed the ladder up to my mattress. I went up first, and Twilight held the ladder. She didn’t need to, but I appreciated the gesture. Then I flopped down on the bed harder than I did even yesterday. This time, I remembered to land on my back to avoid activating the bruise on my ribs.
Twilight followed soon after. She grabbed my blanket and covered the both of us. It was a tight squeeze, but I certainly wasn’t complaining. The warmth I felt as our bodies touched, skin to skin, was unlike anything else I’d ever felt in my life. She held me close to her, my head resting right under her chin. As we cuddled up close to one another, our heartbeats were in sync. The stars, the moon, and the planets were aligned. Everything was in its right place. I was right where I wanted to be. Right where I needed to be.
Up until now, I’d been plagued by doubts about everything. Even when Twilight said yes when I asked her out, I was almost unwilling to believe it.
But that’s when it truly dawned on me.
I loved Twilight, and Twilight loved me. That is what is, and what will be.
The End.