Oh, Radiant Hope, I’m so sorry…
All he could see with eyes that did not exist was a void of unending darkness. All he could hear with ears that did not exist was the lack of noise. All he could smell with a nose that did not exist was nothing. All he could taste with a mouth that did not exist was nowt. All he could feel with a body that did not exist was empty.
I only ever wanted for us to be together. You were the only pony that ever loved me. Even as foals, we were inseparable. The others would label us weird, but we were happy. You made me happy.
As he continued to simply exist, floating in a seemingly endless abyss, he only had the confines of his conscience to find solace in. Everything else was stripped down to naught, leaving him feeling fractured, like his soul had been torn asunder and scattered across the universe.
I loved you, but I threw all our years of friendship away for the pursuit of my destiny. You sacrificed the things you loved for me, but I failed to do the same. You showed me kindness and compassion, and I repaid you with only pain and sorrow.
He wanted to sigh but had no mouth, lips, or lungs to sigh with. He wanted to cry but had no eyes or face to do so. He wanted to scream but had no throat.
Princess Amore said I could save myself from the dark fate I saw in the fractured reflections of the Crystal Heart—that I could change my fate—but I was too naive to listen. When I saw the letter from Princess Celestia’s school for unicorns in your hoof, I knew you would leave me. I would lose the only light in my life, and I couldn’t face that.
So I ran. I wish I had never left the Crystal Empire. I wish I had never found that accursed crystal in the ice and snow. I wish I had never let it worm its way into my head—but I did. When I learned I was not even a pony, but merely a construct of another force, I felt only rage in my turmoil, which only fueled my hunger for power. I thought that if I instilled fear into other ponies, I would feel complete, but that caused me to fall prey to the Umbrum’s deception…
Princess Amore tried to convince me to choose light over darkness, believing I could choose my destiny—but I didn’t listen. I was blinded by my fury and accused her of creating the Crystal Heart to destroy me. So, I turned Princess Amore to stone and stole the Crystal Heart. I enslaved the Crystal Ponies—the very ones who took me in from the frozen wasteland they found me in—and I turned the Crystal Empire into a nightmare. I cursed it to vanish for a thousand years when Princess Celestia and Princess Luna banished me to the Frozen North after you “betrayed” me.
Even though he had no nerves to feel pain, he felt the venomous sting of agony, the horrors of his past resurfacing.
When I returned after the thousand years of my curse, I tried to retake control of the Crystal Empire. But, I was defeated by Princess Cadance and was blown apart, every atom in my body coming undone as I was destroyed by the Crystal Heart. Yet, I continued to exist. I felt as I did now: empty and alone—but I thought that was because I had failed. I thought I had failed to fulfill my destiny and was being punished for it.
More memories flooded into his conscience, reminding him of his fate, but he let them flow through, deciding to relive them instead of fighting them.
And so when I returned to Equestria again, in my hubris, I tried to conquer not only the Crystal Empire, but all of Equestria. I nearly succeeded as well. I took the Crystal Empire with ease, and I continued on to take Canterlot itself, but I was ultimately defeated by a power I had long forgotten: Friendship.
Overwhelming grief bore through him, his conscience consumed by it and its searing grip. The regret he felt for his actions weighed heavily on him, leaving him little more than a bawling mess bound by the chains of his own past.
I was destroyed again, banished to this same place as before. It is a hell, one far, far, worse than Tartarus. At least there, you have something to touch and feel, something to confirm you are alive. Here, you are left without feeling, lost within the storm of your own mind. Memories blend, and emotions mix, leaving you with no sense of what is real and what is fake. Eventually, my mind started to trick me into reliving my past, only torturing me more—and that’s the best part. The rest of the time, you simply are. There is nothing but nothing here. There is nothing to remind you of life, and it drives me mad.
In death, if you can even call it that, I finally realize that my “destiny” is a lie. The Umbrum never comforted me as it promised. Instead, I am left to madness in the shackles of whatever plane I exist in, alone. The Umbrum merely used me as a pawn to further its goal. It did not raise me. It did make me who I am. I did. Every wrong choice was my fault. Even if I was influenced by it, they were still my choices.
Oh, Radiant Hope, he cried again, wishing to hear her voice and see her face one more time. I wish I had never let you go. I wish I had just listened to you.
I wish I hadn’t ruined your life. If only I could have another chance with you, a chance to tell you that I loved you all along. I could tell you how much I missed you. I could tell you how much I regret the choices I’ve made.
In the time that I’ve been here, be it months, years, centuries, or no time at all, I have realized that you never betrayed me. You knew that I doomed myself when I turned Princess Amore to stone. I know now that you told the royal sisters so they could stop me before I became a monster.
I only wish I had known that then…
But if you did that, then maybe you hoped to somehow save me. Maybe you even wanted me to come back. I’m sure I only hurt you when I did return, taking over the Crystal Empire again. And I’m sure it felt even worse, like I was digging a knife into your back, when I came back again, causing so many ponies so much pain.
I just want to see you again, to be able to talk to my old friend. I want to hear you laugh and look at your beautiful eyes and beautiful face. I want things to be how they were before, when everything made sense. I’ve missed you so much, Hope, despite my black heart trying to bury those feelings deep down.
Maybe being in this darkness again means I’ll have the chance to return to Equestria one last time. Maybe it means I’ll be able to make up for at least a small fraction of the suffering I caused. Maybe it means you’ll be there to guide me back, like the lighthouse to the boat. You’ve always been my light, Hope, helping me find myself through trial after trial. I only pray that I get one more chance—that you’ll give me one more chance.
Maybe I’ll have that chance one day.
Oh, Radiant Hope, I’m so sorry…