I opened my eyes to the sight of a light blue sky with tiny scattered clouds. I could taste dirt, blood, and what I think was asphalt. I spit out a few small black pebbles as I sat up, finding a curvy lavender unicorn with flowing purple locks of pink-streaked hair holding her softly fuzzed muzzle mere inches from my own face, two inquisitive wide eyes staring back into mine.
"Fascinating. Did you teleport here? You don't have a horn and there's barely a trace of magic, yet you materialized in less than a second."
"I'm fine, Twilight, thanks for asking."
"You know my name?" She asked.
"Wait, you're Twilight Sparkle!" My eyes went wide as I looked around for any buses. "Quick! I need you to cast a bubble around us so I don't get hit by a bus!"
"What?" She tilted her head to the side slightly and raised an eyebrow.
"Please just do it!"
She shrugged and a purple dome formed around us.
"Whew, thank goodness."
"What's your name?" Twilight asked.
"I'm Jake."
"And do you know what day it is?"
"Uh, it's Saturday?"
"It's Tuesday. And who is mayor?"
"Uh, crap I don't remember. Some wrinkly old lady?" I replied.
"I think you might have a concussion, you don't know what day it is or who the mayor is. Do you know how you got here?"
"Yeah I got hit by a bus three times in a row."
Twilight nodded. "Hmm, definitely sounds like a concussion then."
I noticed several ponies watching us have our little conversation in a purple bubble in the middle of the street, including a jet black alicorn with a red mane and tail. They had some killer orange and red flames as a cutie mark. "Whoa, who the hell is that?"
"Huh?" Twilight turned her head. "Oh, that's O.C. She's not bad once you get to know her."
I glanced around, confirming my suspicions. Countless original characters were milling around. A yellow pegasi with green hair, a pink one with yellow hair and a blue highlight, a white earth pony with light blue hair, and many more. I could even vaguely make out Cloud Kicker bending Blossomforth over a park bench in what appeared to be copious amounts of strawberry jelly.
"Are you coming to a startling realization or is an intracranial hemorrhage slowly cutting off oxygen flow to your brain, Jake?"
"I... I think each time I get hit by a bus I wake up in a slightly worse version of Equestria. First I was gonna get a free house and probably a fake job like search and rescue pony and just leech off the welfare state. Then Dash said I'd have to work on the farm but at least I was gonna get laid. Now there are OC's everywhere!"
Twilight gasped. "Dash was going to sleep with you? But she's only into mares."
I sighed, a faint glimmer of hope remaining. "Well at least ponies are still open with their sexuality, so my odds of getting laid are good."
Twilight laughed, only stopping when she noticed the angry look on my face. "Oh, sorry, but... well I don't know how to say this so I'll just spit it out. We have strict laws against inter-racial marriage and bestiality. Since you're some sort of hairless ape, it's all but illegal for anypony to uh... help you 'get laid' Jake."
"Fu—."
"Stop!" she gasped and looked around. "Right the bubble is sound-proof... okay, so you can't say that word and six others."
"What?" I asked. "What are the other words, and why?"
"Well, the Princess just decided that there were seven bad words that were, like, way worse than the others. So anypony caught saying them has their tongue removed."
"Jesus christ."
"That one's okay to say." Twilight looked around and her bubble turned opaque. "Just don't say any of these." She leaned forward and whispered them into my ear.
I nodded, and the bubble turned translucent again. "Right, thanks. So I guess it could be worse. I'm still in Equestria, and I bet I can still get a harem going... I just have to play it cool, and figure out why I keep getting hit by buses."
"Well, I don't know any spells for that. I also can't keep this bubble going all day, unless you want to make a scene. I suppose you could try to ask around and see if anypony knows anything about buses. Maybe you can ask O.C., those ponies that immigrated to Ponyville lately are always talking about some really bizarre sh— stuff."
"Alright. Do any of them have a motor vehicle cutie mark?"
"No, but one of them works at a factory. If anyone in Ponyville knows about machinery, it’s her. She keeps the wheels greased, so to speak. You'll need a weather balloon to reach it; there's one in town square for rent."
"Thanks, can you let this bubble down and I'll head that way? If nothing else, I bet a bus can't hit me in a weather balloon."
The bubble vanished in a flash of violet. "Okay, just remember not to take naps since you might still have a concussion. I'm going to do a little totally-ethical research in my secret laboratory and if I find anything out I'll let you know!" Twilight teleported away without waiting for a reply.
I shrugged and walked in the direction Twilight had indicated, careful to keep my head on a swivel and look out for any buses.
Along the way I heard a pair of familiar voices and turned my head as I walked by.
"Yep Dashie!" Pinkie gaily said. "Come on down to my basement and we'll make some cupcakes!"
"They're gonna be totally awesome!" Dash followed her into the bakery, the door shutting behind her.
I had a vague memory of something familiar but couldn't put my finger on it, shrugged and continued onward. As I got closer I could see the balloon tied to the ground, and noticed Rarity in front of her boutique.
"Oh, yes Trixie. I've decided to so generously invite you into my boutique for a private fitting for a new cape. My sewing supplies are down in the basement!" Rarity explained, a wicked glint in her eye.
"The Great and Powerful Trixie is most glad you have seen the error of your ways and invited me to come here today, alone, for a private fitting while your store is closed. Onward!" Trixie giggled as she trotted inside the boutique.
Again, there was something not quite right, but I was so glad to have not been hit by another f—ing bus that I didn't care about any of the odd s—t going on.
As I approached the balloon I saw Big Mac leading the Cutie Mark Crusaders into a storm cellar. I saw Cheerilee tilling some soil to plant flowers, sliding a tiara out of sight as she caught me glancing her direction. Even Fluttershy was out today, staring at me and muttering something under her breath.
I sighed and rolled my eyes, untying the hot air balloon and climbing in, not bothering to find the owner. I used a small crystal device that seemed to ignite some source of gas, filling the balloon with more hot air and causing me to rise into the air. It was now that I realized I don't know how to fly hot air balloons. Luckily, it seemed to have caught a current and was heading towards a large set of clouds in the sky from which multiple rainbows were pouring forth.
I felt a wave of relaxation go over me, muscles I didn't even realize were tense began to ache from exertion. I looked down at the receding Earth, content that I was safe up here.
And then I saw it. A massive wooden ramp had been built off the side of a hill. A double decker bus painted bright red was barreling down the hill towards the ramp. On the side, I could faintly make out something about 350 million pounds, and the NHS. It was picking up speed, its mass and momentum causing it to zoom down the hill throwing up large amounts of dirt.
I reached up for the rope in a panic, yanking down to increase the pilot flame and fill the balloon with more hot air. I kept yanking in a panic as the bus hit the ramp, and instead of disintegrating, the wooden ramp flexed and held. Seconds later, a huge red double decker was soaring through the air towards me.
"Celestia's t—s!"
I watched in horror as it soared towards me, vaguely making out a familiar face behind the wheel. It was losing altitude, and barely nicked the bottom of the basket as it sailed by, failing to hit me. I looked over the rail as the bus plummeted.
"Haha! Take that, c—t!"
I heard a sound and looked up to find the flame dying down. The balloon was losing altitude but somehow had remained on course, landing in a thick patch of clouds on the large cloud city. The weight of the balloon pushed down through the clouds, and I found myself landing inside some sort of poorly lit industrial factory.
The basket had a small door which I opened, putting a foot out tentatively to test the ground. It seemed to hold my weight so I stepped out onto it with both feet, not falling through.
"Whew, I made it. No way the bus will find me up here."
"What the hell? You're busting up my factory!" An angry yellow pegasus appeared, flanked by a few scruffy looking stallions. "This is private property!"
"Wait a minute..." I looked around, noticing several large vats and pipes that for some reason were clear. Inside each pipe, pure colors flowed: red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, and violet. The pieces began to fall into place from earlier. This Equestria must be the shock-fiction version of the normal Equestria I had landed in earlier today. "This is the rainbow factory!"
"Yes, and? We make hopes and dreams come true here."
"P—s off c—suckers! I've read this fic, and you'll never take me alive!" I shouted as I backed up.
"No, wait!" The green-haired pegasus ran forward.
"I said back!"
"You'll fall off the—"
I stumbled, my foot leaving the hard-as-steel plate and pushing through a layer of soft fluffy cloud near the wall. I lost my balance and reached out, desperately grabbing for the pegasus's outstretched leg.
Instead, I caught their name badge, yanked it off the necklace as I plummeted through the clouds. I looked down at it in disbelief. Aurora, Rainbow Crayons Factory Foreman.
I released the badge as the wind whipped past, realizing how badly I'd just messed up. I'd been perfectly safe up there, and I had freaked out like a crayon-eating Barbarian from a bad homebrew campaign. As the ground approached I made out the smoldering red wreckage of a bus rapidly approaching me. It beckoned, like a gaping maw of metal split wide open to swallow me whole as I fell directly towards it.
There was nothing left I could do as the inevitable bus rushed towards me, but utter one last word.
"Motherf—er"