“Miss Sparkle? Are you ok?”
Twilight groaned, pressing her hoof against her throbbing forehead. ‘Dear Princess Celestia, I learned today that a unicorn’s skull can only be hit so many times before she begins suffering blackouts. Please alert the media. –Twilight.’
“Hellloooooooo!” Twilight felt a tiny hoof peel back her eyelid. “You awake Miss Sparkle?”
Twilight let out a yelp and scrambled away from the little pony that had clamored onto her chest. “Oh Celestia, Derpy?!?! Oh no…that last bump must have damaged my pituitary gland and now I’ve grown gigantic!”
“Uh…what?” the little pony said.
“Did I crush Spike?!?” Twilight began to look at her hooves in horror She pressed her hooves to her eyes, screaming in terror. “Spike! I’m sorry I squished you!” she sobbed.
“Uh, Miss Sparkle?”
“Quiet tiny Derpy, I am mourning my dead assistant/friend! Oh Spike, you were more than that! You were my son! Not my ‘Oh honey, let’s plan to have a baby’ son…more like my ‘oh crap, I got knocked up after that Vinyl Scratch rave!’ kind of son but that still makes you my son!” Twilight sat down and cried a river of tears. “MY SON IS DEAD!”
“If I’m your son, does that make Nightmare Moon my grandma?” Spike said, entering the bedroom. “Oh, hi Dinky! Your mom is looking for you.”
“Ok! See you in the kitchen, Miss Sparkle!” Dinky Hooves giggled, jumping off the bed and happily skipping away, leaving a trembling Twilight Sparkle and an utterly confused Spike all alone.
“Huh…apparently seeing mares suffering from mental breakdowns doesn't concern her. Must be a common sight in this house.” Spike sat down on the bed next to his friend/mentor/’mom’ “Twilight…you ok?”
“Spike, am I a giant?” Twilight whimpered.
“What? No!” Spike exclaimed. “You are just a magical pony who is the protégée to our land’s sun goddess, the leader of the legendary Elements of Harmony, and may or may not be the biological daughter of Nightmare Moon and Discord. You are not a giant, that would be silly. Now, should I call her Grandma Moon or Granny Nightmare?”
“I am not Nightmare-wait, when did Discord become my father?”
“I think it was the moment when he mounted grandma and stuck his-“
“SPIKE!” Twilight roared.
“Geez, I thought you were going to take it easy today.” He wiggled his finger in his ear. “Listen, after Derpy hit you she brought you to her house so you could recover. They’ve been baking muffins all morning to apologize.”
“Derpy baked muffins just to apologize?” Twilight said with a smile.
“Well…they bake muffins everyday…I think they are just claiming it is to say ‘We’re sorry’.”
“Oh,” Twilight said, a bit dejectedly. “I…guess that works.” Under her breath she muttered, “No pony ever makes me apology muffins…”
“I made you some last week!” Spike complained.
“…no pony makes me EDIBLE muffins.”
“Sure, if you are going to get technical…come on, let’s go get some.” Twilight leapt off the bed and followed after her friend. “Besides, you should be glad they didn’t make brownies…then they would see that weird thing you do.”
“Why does everypony keep saying that?” Twilight muttered, trotting into the kitchen and watched as Ditzy Derpidella ‘Derpy’ (W)Hooves (nee Doo) expertly poured muffin mix in one pan while grabbing a finished pan from the oven and leaving them for Dinky to place on a paper plate. Mother and daughter happily hummed to themselves as they set about getting the bake goods all squared away, leaving Twilight and Spike standing in the doorway, unsure if they should move lest they break the two’s concentration.
“Oh, hi Twilight!” Derpy exclaimed happily, tail swishing as she saw that the unicorn was up and about. "I’m glad I didn’t break your skull open after that hit!”
“Hello Derpy…listen, thank you for letting me rest here.”
“Not a problem! With the number of times I accidentally hurt people the Doctor suggested we make a guest room for all the recovering ponies.”
Dinky giggled. “But then Sparkler came to live with us and became my big sister so now we have to wait and build a new room! I said we should just put the room in the Tardis but daddy made a funny face like this:” Dinky screwed up her lips and bulged her eyes out, “and mommy said I shouldn’t bring that up again.” Dinky began bouncing around Twilight and Spike, a muffin stuck on her horn. Twilight used her magic to free the treat and took a big bite, nearly turning into a puddle of lavender goo at the wondrous taste.
"So, what were you and the Doctor talking about, Twilight?" Derpy asked, easily handling the tray of muffins with the skill of a world-class surgeon. It was clear the mare would have made an amazing chef if all any pony ever wanted was muffins.
"Well," Twilight said, deciding not to focus on how strange it was for Derpy to call her…husband(?)….The Doctor, "I really don't know how I ended up down this path, but I am trying to figure out about Scootaloo's past."
"She goes to my school!" Dinky said with glee, spearing another muffin and hurrying over to give it to Spike.
"The Doctor didn't tell you the chicken theory, did he?" When Twilight and Spike nodded their eyes Derpy rolled her eyes (well, one of them...the other merely looked normal before drooping back down). "He's been talking about that ever since we got back last week! Ponies are going to think he is crazy."
"Too late for that," Spike muttered.
"Daddy is so silly!" Dinky said with a giggle. "Wibbly wobbly, timey wimey! You should ask mommy! She knows EVERYTHING!"
Twilight raised an eyebrow. "Well...I am trying to keep more of an open mind today...why not? Derpy, tell us your take on Scootaloo."
"You sure?" Derpy asked, secretly delighted that somepony as important as Twilight wanted to hear what she had to say. "Ok, so-"
"Wait!" Spike hollered, jumping onto the table and walking over to Derpy, pressing his face to hers. "You aren't going to say she is really a muffin, are you?”
"Not anymore I'm not!" Derpy said happily. Dinky, giggling at her mother's antics, quickly ran out of the room, but not before turning off the lights.
"Why did she-"
"We're setting the mood," Derpy said, trying her best to look solemn and important. "Our story begins in the future..."
"The future? But I want to know about Scootaloo's past," Twilight gently reminded her.
"Yes, but to know her past we must go back….to the future!"
Dinky chose that moment to rush back in, wearing a collar of glowing lights and slapped one on Twilight, Spike, and Derpy before sitting back down at the table. "In the year 2000! In the year 2000!" she sang.
“Oh boy,” Twilight and Spike muttered.
~12 Years In The Future~
"Bye mom, bye dad!" Scootaloo called out, grabbing her scooter and making her way towards the door.
"Scootaloo, where are you off to in such a hurry?" Fluttershy asked, trotting over to her and making sure her little girl had her helmet on.
"I'm gonna go over to Doc Brown's house and look at all his cool gadgets!" Scootaloo said excitedly.
"Well...ok, but be careful," Fluttershy said, giving her daughter a kiss on the check before wagging a hoof at her. "Don't stay out too late, young filly."
"I won't, mom! Bye dad!"
"Bye," Big Macintosh called out.
"Wait a minute...you think Fluttershy and Big Macintosh are Scootaloo's parents? But they haven't even been alone in the same room!"
"Well, they aren't her parents yet...but they will be...in the FUTURE!"
“In the year 2000!”
"Hey Doc, you in here?" Scootaloo called out, setting her scooter against a wall and slowly making her way around all the tables filled with gadgets and gizmos. The very air seemed to hum with energy as the orange filly walked towards the back of the Doc's lab, fighting the urge to touch something.
"Ah, Scootaloo!" Doc Brown called out. The Doc was a jittery unicorn with a white mane that looked like he had stuck his hoof into a lightning storm cloud. He was always running about with his eyes opened wide as if he were caught in an everlasting state of shock. "Good good, I am glad you are here. I want to show you some of my new inventions which are needed to ensure that all of history isn't destroyed."
"Huh?" Scootaloo said, staring at the Doc and wondering if she had somehow walked into a conversation that had begun 5 minutes before.
"Know how that feels..."
The Doc hurried around the desk, galloping over to a large, mysterious structure that had been covered with a tarp. "You see, I was in the bathroom when I struck my head and inspiration struck!"
"...like your head against a faucet?"
"Exactly!" The Doc exclaimed, whipping off the tarp. "Ta-da!"
Scootaloo tilted her head, staring at the vehicle the Doc clearly loved with all his heart. "It's...a wagon."
The Doc glared at her. "It is not 'a wagon'. This...is a time machine."
"...pull the other one, Doc."
The Doc hurried over to Scootaloo and, despite her protests, tossed her into the wagon. The filly's complaints died in her throat when she saw that the wagon was filled with strange dials and buttons and gauges, including a display that had a seemingly random date from 13 years in the future. "Doc...this isn't a joke, right?"
"Not a joke in the slightest!" The Doc said gravely. "My time machine is ready to take you back to the past, my dear! Now that I have the flux capacitator installed…"
"But...why me? Why then?"
"Because I uncovered this!" The Doc's horn glowed and he pulled a faded newspaper from his cabinet. Scootaloo stared at the photo, which showed a concert at the local elementary school, and her jaw dropped.
"That's...that's me!" she exclaimed.
"Right you are! You see, that is proof you traveled back in time!"
"But...but why?"
"I did some research...do you know when your parents first fell in love?"
The answer left Scootaloo stunned. "At...at a school concert...my dad was there to see Aunt Apple Bloom and mom was there to support Miss Sweetie Belle."
"Exactly! But clearly you were the third member of their group...if you do not go back into the past and put on that show..."
"...then my mom and dad might never get together...and I'll never be born!"
"Wait a minute, back the time machine up..."
~MC~MC~MC~
Derpy looked at Twilight, who had her eyes shut and hooves pressed to her forehead. "What's the matter, Twilight?"
"That...that makes no sense," Twilight said, wanting to tug the light-collar of her neck. "I mean...if Scootaloo MUST go back into the past to get Fluttershy and Big Macintosh together, then it becomes a paradox!"
"Uh, but didn't you do the same thing a few weeks ago when you traveled back in time, Twilight?" Spike asked. The unicorn merely leveled a glare his way and the baby dragon wisely shut his mouth. "Never mind," he muttered.
"It is only a paradox if you believe in linear single time," Dinky said happily, grabbing another muffin. "But if you believe in infinite linear time, then you can easily travel back in time but you can't change the past because your actions already affected it. The only problem with that is that it eliminates the idea of free will because you already performed the acts you are going to perform and you cannot change your path...unless you ALSO believe in the multiverse theory which would allow for time travel and for altering the time line, but then going to the past becomes very dangerous because you are almost guaranteed to change history due to Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle. Of course, if you subscribe to the theory of non-linear time then time travel is silly because time is merely a perception of all of us and not real. Then you merely have to unglue yourself from the current linear view and you can go to any part of your life you want, but you are unable to alter anything because once again that means you already performed the acts and free will is merely an illusion to keep the brain from realizing it is just a pain receptacle hurdling towards oblivion."
Twilight and Spike just stared at the little unicorn, jaws hanging loose.
"Mommy, can I have some juice?"
"Sure," Derpy said, not disturbed at all by her daughter's knowledge of the timeline (she was the daughter of a Time Lord and his companion, after all!). Giving her little girl a juice box, Derpy settled back down and continued her story.
~1 Year Ago (13 Years Ago for Scootaloo)~
Scootaloo took an uneasy breath. She had been working for months to make sure everything was squared away and every possible misstep had been taken care of. She had met her Aunt Apple Bloom and Miss Sweetie Belle and become their friend (and how weird was it to be interacting with fillies that Scootaloo would know as responsible adults when she was a child...Miss Sweetie Belle was her favorite foalsitter!). She had marveled at just how different ponies were in the past (Mrs. Rarity Dragon hadn't even begun dating Mr. Spike Dragon yet!) and it had taken some time to adjust.
She had nearly lost it when she had seen Miss Diamond Tiara acting like a stuck up snob...she wanted to drag the little filly aside and tell her that in 5 years her father would lose everything to the Flim Flam brothers and Diamond would end up having to move in with the Apple family after her mother and father escaped Equestria to avoid the tax collectors (it worked out in the end, as Diamond and Aunt Apple Bloom became very close and Diamond Tiara would become a hard working mare who would help Sweet Apple Acres become VERY profitable).
But none of that mattered now. Through trial and tribulation Scootaloo had managed to get everything to fall into place and she was ready to recreate the magical night when her parents fell in love.
She could see them standing next to each other, waiting for the last act to come on stage. Neither of them were paying the slightest bit of attention to one another ("According to a certain blue baker that means they are already in love...") and it was painful for the little filly to stare at her beloved mom and dad and not see them nuzzling each other or gazing at one another with longing.
But it wouldn't be like that for long.
"Alright girls...let's do this," Scootaloo said as DJ PON-3 gave them a nod and put their record on, the upbeat tempo blaring as they leapt onto stage.
Sweetie Belle
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, sometimes I get a good feeling, yeah
I get a feeling that I never never never never had before, no no
I get a good feeling, yeah
Apple Bloom
Oh oh, sometimes I get a good feeling, yeah
I get a feeling that I never never never never had before, no no
I get a good feeling, yeah
Scootaloo
Yes I can, doubt that I leave, I'm running with this plan
Pull me, grab me, apples in the bucket can't have me
I'll be the princess one day
January first, oh, you like that gossip?
Like you the one drinking what Cakes’ sip, Bon Bon!
why ya touch Lyra with your tongue?
How many rolling stones you want?
Yeah I got a brand new spirit,
Speak it and it's done
Woke up on the side of the bed like I won
Talk like a winner, my chest to that sun
Havin’ a party, Pinkie Pie is fun!
Now who can say that, I wanna play back
Mama knew I was a needle in a hay stack
A pegasus girl, plus Big Mac!
I got a feeling it's a wrap, ASAP
Back stage, a teal-colored unicorn looked around and, spotting Spike, grabbed him and held him to his ear. "Hello, Flo? It's your cousin...Easy Rida! You know that new sound you were looking for? Well listen to this!"
"What are you doing, I don't work that-AAAAACK!" Spike squeaked as the unicorn turned him towards the stage and forced the baby dragon's mouth open.
Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle
Oh, oh, sometimes I get a good feeling, yeah
I get a feeling that I never never never never had before, no no
I get a good feeling, yeah
Oh oh, sometimes I get a good feeling, yeah
I get a feeling that I never never never never had before, no no
I get a good feeling, yeah
“You know, Big Macintosh…” Fluttershy whispered softly as the girls continued to sing, “as I listen to those fillies singing a popular rap song with slightly changed lyrics I can’t help but realize that you and I are destined to be together and we should be doing it right here, at this school talent show in front of hundreds of ponies.”
“….Eeeyup.”
And they did.
“Uh, Derpy?”
~MC~MC~MC~
Derpy and Dinky looked at Twilight (and, in Derpy’s case, a muffin on the counter, but that was wonderful in Derpy’s opinion), neither yet use to the lavender mare’s need to interrupt stories. “What is it, Twilight?” Derpy asked.
“If Scootaloo is from the future…and the only reason she came to the past was to get her parents together…then why is she still here? And why aren’t Fluttershy and Big Macintosh together?”
“Ninjas!” Dinky exclaimed happily.
“Huh?” Twilight and Spike both asked dumbly.
Dinky was happily bouncing up and down as she spoke. “Ninjas used their ninja skills and mixed time up, so now Scootaloo has to leap from life to life, striving to put right what went wrong…hoping the next leap will be the leap home.”
“…makes sense to me!” Derpy said happily.
Spike leaned over to Twilight, how was gnashing her teeth together. “Just give it to them…it’s Derpy and Dinky after all.”
Twilight lowered her head. “Fine…ninjas did it.”
“YAY!” Dinky squealed, throwing her forelegs in the air.
“Oh boy,” Twilight grumbled.