Why Do You Speak My Language?!

by Soaring


Chikin Lickin’ Experimentin’™ / How Not To Introduce Meat Into A Conversation®

Time drifted by as I had watched the pair turn the place upside down. It was different, like they had been playing football for the same team, only in this case they forgot which way they were supposed to go and ran the ball in the opposite direction. The whole experience had made me feel good at first, probably because I was imagining Twilight getting sacked in the end zone, but then it had made me feel like I was the one being sacked as a painful surge coursed through me. This was definitely when the headache started, but now I was back to normal, as close as I could be to it. Was the pain gone because they were gone? Maybe, or maybe it was because they weren’t leaving magical pixie dust all over the carpet floor.

I sighed as the ticking of the clock above the door rang in my ears. All I could do was wait for this first friend of Twilight’s to come in and talk to me about… whatever it is she was going to talk to me about.

Creeeeek.

The sound crawled in my skin.

“Hello? Is Rick in here?”

“Yeah, what’s it to you?”

She let the rickety door swing wide open, revealing her form. She was an orange furred, green-eyed, gold-maned pony with a hat on her head that screamed ‘Absolutely Stuck In Tennessee’.

“So you’re Rick, huh?”

I chuckled and hopped off the bed. “Yep. Apparently more popular than I let on.” The pony giggled at that, so I continued, “Since you know my name, I figure you know what’s going on?”

She nodded. “Yep. Got told that you were a mite bit different. Apparently, Twilight needs to get herself a new dictionary, because you’re waaay different than what I thought.”

“Bad different or a good different?”

“Not sure yet. I’ll have to... reserve my judgment for later. Not my place anyway. Granny would have me wheelin’ hay into the barn for hours on end if I’d go down that route.” She smirked. “Glad you’re different though. Would be weird doin’ this if you were just a pony like me.”

“I guess so. I’m shocked that you’re not afraid of me. Is everyone like you?”

Much to my unamused face, she shook her head. “No, most ponies are nice, if they can warm up to you. Others like to judge without giving ‘em a chance.”

“Guess I’m lucky you’re not like the others, Miss…?”

The mare took her hat off her head, letting that mane of hers blossomforth. “Name’s Applejack. Pleasure of meeting ya, Rick.”

“Same to you, Applejack. First of the group I get to meet. Interesting that you have a southern accent.”

Applejack let out a breathy laugh. “Southern accent?”

I shrugged. “Well, yeah. Didn’t think accents would just translate super well into a world like this, but you have the exact twang of one of them. Didn’t expect to meet someone who was the epitome of southern drawl, y’know?”

She rolled her eyes and sat on her flanks. “Well, you’re about as right as a drunk princess who buries her head in books on social etiquette.”

“Huh?” I said with a slight head tilt.

The mare shook her head rather quickly. “Sorry, my countryisms broke again. Meant to say you’re as right as a hog drilling for mud gold.”

That sounded better. “Phew, thought I had to clean my ears out. So you basically would fit right in with my other family.”

“Other family?” Applejack said with a raised brow.

“They lived down South and spoke just like you… well, minus the breaking of country-twang.”

“Wow, didn’t know the Apple family had this much of an outreach!”

Did she just…? 

I blinked hard. “Applejack, you don’t think…”

The pony paused and tilted her head. “What? That was a joke.”

“Oh,” I muttered, much to her chagrin. She was howling like a wolf in the night.

I plopped down unceremoniously on the ground. “Anyway, what are we supposed to be talking about?”

Applejack smiled. “Nothin’ in particular. Probably just to get ourselves acquainted so we don’t run into any issues outside this room of yours.”

“Like what?” I leaned forward. “You’ll think I’ll melt or something?”

“Maybe,” the mare said, letting out a slight cough. “Either that or you’ll mutate into a Hydra and scare everyone off.”

“Mutate? I don’t think I’m radioactive…”

She let out a brief blow and adjusted her hat. “Then you’ll certainly scare them.”

I rolled my eyes. “Who do you think I am? The Boogeyman?”

“The what?”

“Not important. Just kinda curious as to why you would be scared of me? The only thing frightening is my genuine lack of a sex life.”

Her eyes buggered at that one. “That’s something I wish I could unhear. Anyway, I was a tad bit nervous comin’ here because Pinkie Pie said you had a weird aura about you.”

“A weird aura?”

“Yep. She’s definitely right. You are weird.”

“Thanks…” I muttered while she chuckled to herself.

When the mare was done laughing, she set a hoof on his left leg and smiled. “Don’t take that the wrong way, Sugarcube. You’re weird in a good way.” She retracted her hoof and sat it back on the ground. “Pinkie only told me that you were different from us, but were just as nice, so I came in with an open mind. After all, friendship is magic.”

“Ironic,” I replied. Her sudden recoil made me chuckle like a hyperactive jackrabbit. “But yeah, you all talk about that like it’s a high order. Pretty nice, but at the same time, does it get tiring at all?” 

“Nope! Not one bit. I think it’s because of what we do to help other ponies out. Make them understand that havin’ a friend or two in this world makes everythin’ all the better.”

“Really? That easy?”

She made this sound that sounded like a cross between a neigh, and a pro-sumo wrestler flopping on the ground. Then, she spoke like she was gurgling mud:

“︎��︎♒︎⧫︎♓︎⬥ ︎●︎♋︎♏︎♎ ︎□︎⧫ ︎❒︎♏︎♓︎⬧︎♋︎♏ ︎⍓︎●︎■︎□ ︎⬧︎��︎⧫︎♓ ︎��︎⍓︎⬧︎♋︎♏ ︎❒︎♏︎❖︎♏︎■ ︎⬧︎♓ ︎◻︎♓︎♒︎⬧︎♎︎■︎♏︎♓︎❒︎☞”

“Alright there, you don’t need to swallow dirt whole. What did you say?”

Applejack frowned. “Did I say somethin’ wrong?”

“No-no-no, you didn’t do that at all,” I said, waving my hands at her. “I just hear things differently when there’s magic about.”

“Huh, didn’t do anythin’ that would’ve caused that. Rainbow Dash must be messin’ with the air again.” She plopped her hat back on her head like it was magicked into place. “I said that friendship ain’t easy. It’s rough, but if you stick around, you’ll be able to get more than just one of them.”

“Hehe, guess so.”

“Mighty right. Say, you think you’ll get home?”

I felt my lips sag to the ground with that one. “I… don’t know. I really hope I can. If they figure this out, then maybe they can help me get back home.”

“Yeah,” Applejack said, pawing at the ground with her hoof. “Sorry, I had to mention it. Was just curious, that's all.”

“Don’t apologize, you have nothing to be sorry for. After all, I am an alien.”

“That you are, Rick. A good one though.”

“Thanks.”

I smiled at her, and she smiled at me. And that was our conversation, as two mares made their entrance known.

“Glad you two got acquainted with each other. I hope Applejack wasn’t too harsh on you.”

“Harsh? Twilight, do I look like Rarity?” said Applejack.

Twilight keeled over, her wings out on full display, twitching as she rolled on the ground with her hooves clutching her stomach. “N-no, but I’m glad you’re back in the saddle again.”

“Glad to be back,” Applejack said with an eye roll. She looked over at me one last time and waved. “Guess our times up, huh? Well, when you find yourself out of the castle, make sure to swing by Sweet Apple Acres, okay? I promise, you’ll love it there.”

“Sounds good, Applejack. Maybe we’ll drink some apple cider or something while we’re there.”

She spoke with a grin on her face. “Of course! Apple cider is our speciality. That and apples that zap you awake!”

I snorted. “Mini edible tasers? Sounds great! Thanks for the chat!”

“You’re welcome. Whelp, time to go check on the stand. Hope Apple Bloom didn’t undersell on the fritters again…”

As her voice grew quiet and the hoofsteps click-clacked into nothingness, I sat there and stared at Twilight, who smiled at me with a smile enlightened by scientology.

“Ready for round two?”

“As I can be,” I muttered, dusting my pants. Jeez, did the floor have to get this dirty, or was that hay stuck on my ass?

I watched as Twilight walked out, leaving the door shut in her wake.


It felt like forever when a knock as gentle as a twig hitting a window stirred me from my worldview.

“Door’s open!”

To my surprise, the door didn’t get left ajar, nor did it get slammed open. In fact, the pony who came in decided to gently open and close it, her back turned to me. I was a bit baffled, as unlike Applejack, there were wings on her sides, which were neatly folded away.

Then, the pony turned around, looked up at me, and gasped.

“Wow… are you, him?”

I sighed, assuming the worst. “Yes, I’m him.”

Suddenly, her wings stood at attention, as she slowly walked up to me in awe. “Nice to meet you finally, Rick!”

My head felt like it was the leaning tower of Piza. “It’s… nice to meet you too, miss?”

“Fluttershy,” she murmured softly. She moved part of her pink mane away from her face, getting me a better view of her. “Applejack told me you were a ‘nice feller’, s-so… I am glad that you aren’t a giant inflatable tube man.”

“An inflatable what?”

“An inflatable tube man. Rumored to live in the mountains up north, however, it mostly lives rent free in the animal sanctuary inside my head. They’re number one million, two hundred and sixty-seven thousand, five hundred and twenty one on my list of ‘things that scare the ever-living hibby-jibbies’ out of me.”

I was just about to reply when I stopped myself. Applejack thought I was a ‘nice feller’? Better than the epitome of a forty year old virgin, I suppose. And should I be worried that she has some car dealership monster living in her head?

As I scanned my eyes over her more, it looked like she was timid enough that she wouldn’t turn into a serial killer. Maybe.

I sighed. “Okay… were you joking there or?”

“Joking?” She said as she tilted her head.

“Is there really an inflatable man living inside your head?”

She blinked at me like she was seeing me as a mirage. Her wings unfurled a bit as well, fluttering—ironic—as she spoke, “No, I didn’t say that. Applejack told me that you were nice to talk to, that’s all. I’m glad she spoke with you first because… because if I did, I would’ve run out of the room.”

“Really? You don’t seem like the type to just get up and leave without saying goodbye first.”

She nearly flatlined me with a smile. “We got off the wrong hoof and you already know what I’m like?”

“Just an assumption. Guess I assumed correctly.”

Fluttershy gave me a slight nod with an accompanied twitch of the ear. She, then, flapped her wings before folding them to her sides. “Yes, you did. I’m glad Applejack drew the shortest straw when we did a recount…”

I saw how she twiddled with her forehooves. This must be taking a great toll on her just to talk to me. It’s… both endearing and a bit worrisome. “Well, I’m glad you’re here. Been a while since anyone came in.”

She giggled behind her hoof. “What do you mean? It’s only been a few minutes!”

I snorted. “On Earth, that would’ve been several hours. Trust me.”

That giggle soon turned into a gigglesnort as the mare gasped for fresh air. “F-Fair point. Anyway, I’m glad to be here too. Hopefully we can figure out why you’re taking in ponies magic so you can talk with all of us in the same room.”

I smiled. “Yeah, that would be great. I would like to talk to all of you without having to be separated.”

As those words fell out of my mouth, I wondered what it would’ve been like if I wasn’t in this situation. Y’know, without the magic siphoning bit. Would I have already been home by now watching the next pro-bowl game? Or would I be caught watching some cheesy film from the 70’s? Either way, in this world, I’m devoid of that type of entertainment. Instead, I’m just sitting here, talking to a horse-thing.

A horse-thing.

“So, sorry if this comes across as blunt, but what are you, Fluttershy?”

“What am I?” She asked with a head tilt, which received her a curt nod from me. At first, she stood there, frozen, but as she sat herself down comfily, Fluttershy realized what I was getting at and gasped. “Oh, you’re asking that because…” She paused to flex her wings a bit, which ultimately sagged back to her sides. “I’m a pegasus, Rick.”

“Pegasus?”

She scooted a little closer to give me a better look, her muzzle forming into a wicked grin. “We’re wing ponies. Like birds but better. 🕈︎♏︎🕯︎❒︎♏︎ ❍︎□︎❒︎♏︎ ⬧︎◆︎◻︎♏︎❒︎♓︎□︎❒︎ ⧫︎♒︎♋︎■︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ ❒︎♏︎⬧︎⧫︎. ❄︎❒︎◆︎⬧︎⧫︎ ❍︎♏︎.”

I shook my head to get rid of whatever that squawking nonsense was. “Uhh, you just went all—”

“Rick, ♓︎⧫︎🕯︎⬧︎ ♓︎■︎ ⍓︎□︎◆︎❒︎ ♒︎♏︎♋︎♎︎📬︎ ✡︎□︎◆︎🕯︎❒︎♏︎ ♒︎♏︎♋︎❒︎♓︎■︎♑︎ ⧫︎♒︎♓︎■︎♑︎⬧︎ ⍓︎□︎◆︎ ♋︎❒︎♏︎ ■︎□︎⧫︎ ♍︎♋︎◻︎♋︎♌︎●︎♏︎ □︎♐︎ understanding, and—” 

Rick’s eyes shot open and he spoke in a whispered tone. “I hear dead people.

“You do?!”

“No. You were just speaking in horse, Fluttershy.”

“Horse?” She said with a head tilt. “Is there something wrong?”

My eyes widened. Behind her, the clock click-clacked against the wall. Was the room shaking?

“Do you feel that, Fluttershy?”

“No, what’s wrong?”

As I was about to point out that the room was shaking, it was like the universe just crop dusted me in front of the whole class and was laughing as it walked away. The clock stopped moving, and Fluttershy was no longer speaking in horse-bird.

“Uh… did you feel the room shake a bit?”

She quietly shook her head. “No, I didn’t feel the room shake. Are you okay?”

“Huh,” I said bluntly, tapping my chin with a finger. “Must’ve been my imagination or something.”

“Maybe you absorbed some of my magic when I opened my wings?”

“I don’t know. Like I said, not only were you speaking in tongues, but also you were saying you were imagining me as an inflatable tube man. And what’s this about magic wings? If we’re speaking the same language, then that’s my favorite chicken place back home!”

“C-Chicken place?”

I internally slapped myself silly. “Yeah. You know. A place of semi-ill repute where once lively chickens are turned into delicious, deep-fried health hazards for consumption. Just another day living in axle grease.”

The mare stood frozen, her eyes wider than the six-piece dinner baskets at Magic Wings that come with a roll on the side. Number seven on the menu, to be exact.

God I’m hungry now. I eyeballed Fluttershy’s wings for a brief moment. I wonder if pony wings were any good with— No! Keep it together man! You don’t want to freak her out!

Unfortunately for me, the horse-bird hybrid that was known as a pegasus stood there, staring at me like I was the new serial killer of the week. I know why too, for if she’s like Twilight, then I assume they don’t eat meat. Guess I slipped up again in front of another woman—mare—other. Rick was an equal opportunity idiot. He had to be in this market where Tik Tok makes sense and boy bands play instruments.

She slid back a bit, totally uncomfortable with what I said. “Are you going to eat me?”

“No. Horses are totally against my diet, and I guess they’re cute when they want to be.”

That got her to lean forward, her wings standing at attention. “How could you base your entire view of an animal’s edibility on how ‘cute’ they are? That’s… That’s…!”

I shrugged and hopped off the bed, which shushed her oncoming rant. “That’s a conversation for another time. Besides, it’ll probably scar you for life and I would not want you to deal with the repercussions and intensive therapy costs of this discussion. I heard that Twilight’s medical insurance plan is absolute hogwash.” I snapped my fingers. “Anyway, I’m sorry this got off the wrong foot—er, hoof. I’m just glad I finally got to meet you.”

“S-Same to you,” Fluttershy said as she shook with recoil the remains of the previous conversation off herself. She sighed and tried to smile, unfortunately, it looked like the abridged version, cracking ever-so-slightly with a pinch of angst. “What do you like to do, Rick?”

I tapped my chin. “I love watching sports. Football, to be exact. That and being a connoisseur of food, but you already know what that’s about—” I shook my head. “Football though is fantastic, and I know it exists already somewhere here. It’s called hoofball, right?”

She nodded ever-so-slowly. “Yes… Rainbow Dash talks about it all the time, which drives Applejack in a tizzy like a tornado in a trailer park.”

“A tizzy?”

The mare rolled her eyes, thankfully not like a tornado in a trailer park. “I said it annoys Applejack quite a bit. She’s not the type to take things lightly…”

“Oh,” I replied lamely. “I assume Rainbow Dash is the type that will gush about hoofball, right?”

To my surprise, Fluttershy shook her head and smirked. “No, she’s the type to gush about her flying first, then everything else after.”

I recoiled, like I was the one that was hit with a blast of that burn. Word has it that there are still pockets of acidic air from the nuclear truth bomb that Fluttershy just dropped.

Thankfully, I was able to recover better than anyone else in this position, well, except my stocks. Those plummeted right before the football game that I was watching when I got ejected into this place. “Pfft, she sounds like a riot to talk to.”

“She’s… passionate about what she likes.”

We both chuckled at this. I wonder what Fluttershy likes? Based on her buttmark, she’s got a butterfly on it. Pink too, just like her mane—didn’t she also say something about an animal sanctuary?

“Do you have anything you're passionate about, Fluttershy?”

Suddenly, it’s like a light turned on and she was brighter than anyone else I could have met. She was practically glowing: her wings were at attention, her eyes were an appropriate length to be considered ‘a wide load’ by a semi-truck standard, and her jaw was being accompanied by a hoof that she held shakingly under her chin. 

“Well, I really love taking care of animals! I own a sanctuary just outside of Ponyville near the Everfree Forest! My husband likes to help me once in a while with them, but he got mauled by the cat we got recently…”

“Cat? What type of cat?”

“A hellspawn from Tartarus. We’ve named him Fuego Takis, due to him nearly giving Discord chemical burns.”

“Wait, really?” There’s no way she named a cat that, and Tartarus?

To my surprise, she nodded again. “Yes! He’s a joy to be around. If only he didn’t dislike Discord, then we wouldn’t have any issues with him around the house…”

I frowned. I missed my dog back home, and that scheming cat too. Hopefully I’ll be able to return home so I can spoil them rotten. If not, they’ll either hate my guts to the point of no return, or they’ll just be happy I’m there.

Knowing my luck, option one is the only one that exists.

I leaned against the wall and counted my graces, verbally. “I got two pets back home. A dog and a cat. They’re rascals, but the cat is more of one than the dog. The dog only gets into my shoe collection and spreads them semi-evenly out across the lawn. Sometimes he even buries them, which really ticks me off. However… the cat is one that would take me outside and beat me with a baseball bat if it could. Probably would hit a homerun too, the rat.”

Fluttershy laughed. “Sounds like you have pets that love you too. They’re great, aren’t they?”

“Yeah… Rocko and Ed. I miss them…”

I closed my eyes. I’ll get back home soon. There’s no way I’ll be here forever...

Even as I lived free in my head, I kept my eyes closed. I didn’t want her to notice anything, as this was supposed to be just a happy, go-lucky conversation. Nothing more, nothing less. Yet, here we were, getting on each other’s nerves and—

The laughter had suddenly fallen short. I opened my eyes to see the mare from before now hugging me, her forehooves wrapped around my shoulders. She had gotten on her hindlegs to reach me, and her wings were surrounding me too. I was now one with the Fluttershy burrito. A special that was not available at Magic Wings— 

“It’s okay…” She muttered in my ear. “You’ll see them again soon. For now, if you want, maybe… after this is all over, you could come over to the animal sanctuary to help me with the animals? I wouldn’t mind a helping hoof—er, hand.”

I gave her a toothy grin and let go of her. “It’s a deal!”

My arm shot out like a bazooka, giving the mare my palm for her to shake. Thankfully, this message is cross-species, as she shook my hand with her hoof. We shared that brief smile before the door decided it was time for it to fly.

Fluttershy jolted back first. Followed by Starlight, who was now leaning up against the doorframe like she owned the place.

“Did I interrupt something?”

“N-No no—” Fluttershy and I had said in unison, only for us to stop and look at each other like we'd just committed arson. Thankfully, only one of us is capable of burning down a forest and Smokey Bear had the fire department's number on speed dial. We shared a laugh before I continued, “We were just talking about animals and what not. Is everything good so far?”

Starlight tilted her head. “Good so far? You mean with your magic levels or?”

“Yeah, the thing that you two are supposed to be measuring? What else is there to measure!”

“Well, we could measure the amount of time it would take for you to get laid, but that wouldn’t be a good data point to use as our best technology isn’t able to measure time in millenia yet,” Starlight said as a matter of fact. She chuckled, which was to the chagrin of my virginity’s misery.

I sighed. “I’ll take the roast, pack my bags, and roast myself with the remaining embers of that burn. Thanks.”

Starlight rolled her eyes. “You’re welcome. Anyway, to answer your question and not harm you in the process, we’re measuring your magic levels and your overall condition, which is already about fifty different categories in the chart we created…”

“Uh, last time I checked, you and Twilight aren’t doctors.”

She shook her head. “Doctors of Science, not Doctors of Medicine. Thankfully, we were able to get Redheart and Doctor Stables involved with a stipend Twilight had left in the Royal Treasury. Otherwise, we would’ve been ❄︎🕆︎☼︎☠︎☜︎👎︎ ✋︎☠︎❄︎⚐︎ ☼︎⚐︎✌︎💧︎❄︎ 👌︎☜︎☜︎☞︎.”

“Great, now you’re speaking horse version 2.0!”

“What an upgrade,” Starlight said, her voice oozing in layered sarcasm. She turned to Fluttershy and smiled. “I’ll take this guy off your hooves, Fluttershy. I hope you two had a good time for what it was worth.”

Fluttershy mirrored her expression and began to walk towards the door. “I’m glad to have talked to him today. I told him to come visit the animal sanctuary after...” Her voice drifted off as she twiddled with her forehooves again.

“After this is all done?” Starlight asked with a raised brow.

“Yes,” Fluttershy replied. “I hope he’s able to. Wouldn’t want Rick to be stuck in the castle forever.”

Starlight nodded. “I hope so too. We’ll make sure of this, I promise.”

Fluttershy shared one last smile with us and waved goodbye. “See you, Rick!”

I waved and watched her go, her legs carrying her past the door and into the hall.

Once again, I was left alone, well, with Starlight still looking at me. This time, she was wearing a smirk.

“Doing good so far, Rick?”

“Yeah,” I said, falling back in line with the bed. I flopped onto it, scooting up to get comfortable. “Why are you asking?”

“Just curious. Have you run into any abnormalities yet?”

“Several. The room even shook when Fluttershy was in. Not sure what that was about.”

The unicorn hummed to herself, her horn flashing into sparks before petering out. She groaned. “Forgot I had the ring still on my head. Guess I’ll note what you just said in my head for now. So, you have these abnormalities then. Do you have any pain yet?”

“Nope,” I said. “Just give me five so I can rest my eyes a bit. Maybe then I’ll feel some pain.”

“Alright, Rick. I’ll leave you be. Just… be careful. If at any point you’re feeling pain, let us know so we can help you, okay?”

I blinked. Guess they’re preparing for the worst. “Alright, I’ll let you know.”

“Great,” she said softly before turning tail. “When you’re ready, I’ll let the next one in.”

“Gonna give me any hints?”

“Sure. Your hint is ☞︎🕆︎☹︎☹︎ ⚐︎☞︎ ☼︎✌︎✋︎☠︎👌︎⚐︎🕈︎💧︎!”

With that, the snark-ness monster (aka Starlight) walked out of the room, leaving the door to click shut, and the haunting memory of her language drowning out the noise.

I sighed, and closed my eyes, wondering if the next pony to come in will kill me immediately.