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Dear Sunny,
So much has happened since you left for Equestria. I guess I told you some of it when you stopped in. I’m sorry for how I acted to you. I know you were trying to make amends, and I should’ve acted better towards you. But it needs to be said, what you did hurt me. Showing up unannounced, with your wives, especially with the other Fluttershy. I’m happy you found a good relationship, really I am, but I wasn’t ready to see that without at least a little forewarning.
I’d like to say that if you had called ahead, I would have agreed to see you and things would have been better. I don’t know that for sure, though. Maybe I would have refused. But if anything is ever going to be okay between us, you have to learn to respect my choices that you don’t agree with.
My therapist is helping me realize I’m not actually very good at things happening unexpectedly to me. After Stormy Skies, and after losing Sky, I just can’t deal with surprises. And that’s not your fault, but I want you to know that’s part of why I acted the way I did.
What I told you about trying to kill myself was true, but it didn’t have anything to do with you. It was because of some other stuff. I had a girlfriend leave me without warning one day, and then Rainbow and the band wanted me to leave the tour to focus on my mental health. They meant well, but… like I said, I’m not good at surprises. It felt like I didn’t have a life anymore if I didn’t have the band.
I don’t mean to vent my problems to you of all people, though. I just wanted to explain to you that the blame I put on you was me being a petty bitch and trying to hurt you. I’m… not a good person anymore, Sunny. I’m trying to be a good person again, that’s why I’m writing this letter, but I have a ways to go before I can feel like a good person again.
You know what’s funny? I got my own apartment, and the whole time I kept thinking of you. And not anything about us getting a place together like we wanted to back in the day, but how you’d be able to make that whole process so much easier. You would just know what to do, what questions to ask. You’d take charge, and everything would be okay.
I think that was the first time I really missed you as a friend. I’ve missed you as a lover a lot, and some of that had more to do with me than with you. But that day, I remember just thinking that I wanted my friend back.
But I’m not ready yet. I’m sorry, I know you wanted to become friends again, and maybe someday we can. But I want to be in a better place before we do that. I hope you understand.
That’s why I decided to write this letter. I wanted you to know these things, but I can’t say them to you yet. I was just going to tell Applejack to tell you, but that felt wrong. I wanted you to hear it from me. I thought about writing to you in the journal, but I was afraid you’d write back before I could finish, and then I’d have to actually have a conversation with you.
I sounded like a bitch there, didn’t I? Sorry. But that’s something that you need to know. If we’re ever going to be friends again, and I’m not sure if I can ever get to the point where I’m ready for that, but if we are, I need this time to myself. I know you moved on, but I still haven’t. So please, don’t try to get back in touch with me. Don’t write back, don’t try to talk to me through Applejack, and for fuck’s sake don’t show up unannounced.
But things aren’t all bad. I’m spending a lot of time with my friend Lemon Zest. She’s the drummer of Bitchette, you met her a few times. We’re not dating, she’s not interested in that, but she stays the night sometimes and it’s nice. She’s helping me realize that what I liked about casual sex wasn’t the sex at all, it was just having someone to hold onto.
Everyone tells me to get a girlfriend, but I’m afraid. I’ve been burned too many times, it’s easier to just keep things casual and not get invested. But I met a girl on the night that you came and visited me, and I realized I hurt her without ever knowing it. I don’t think that was my fault, really. I was clear that we weren’t in a relationship, that we were just having fun. But then I learned I was the only one having fun, and it felt really bad.
So I don’t know. I’m still hooking up with people, but a little less often than before. I’m also being more upfront about what they can expect from me. I’ve finally grown up a little bit, I stay safe during sex now, and I make sure I don’t hurt anyone if I can help it. Maybe someday I’ll find a girlfriend, but for right now, I’m just kind of floating through life.
Let’s see… I’m not just a manager or producer anymore. I started a side project with Rainbow and we got Pinkie to drum on it. Rainbow and I both play whatever instruments we need to for it, and every song is a duet, though not like in a singing about each other kind of way. It’s actually all from my perspective, since I write all the lyrics, but sometimes it’s easier to let Rainbow be my voice.
The band’s called Coda, and I actually named the band after us. Well, not just us. Our first album is mostly about you, Sky, religion, sex, alcoholism, all that stuff that was going through my head. It was supposed to be my coda to all that. A line in the sand, the end of that part of my life, and I could be reborn as something new once that album was made.
It was therapeutic, but it was also kind of dumb of me. There isn’t a ‘part of my life’, life doesn’t have parts. It’s not a song on an album that I can just write a coda to and be done with it. All that stuff… it still matters to me a lot. Maybe it always will. My therapist is helping me see that we don’t get to choose when we’ve moved on past something.
Sorry, I’m rambling. Anyway, I guess that’s me. I’m in therapy now, I’m on a new medication that helps with the suicidal thoughts more, I have my own apartment, I have a car – oh, right, I didn’t mention that. I’m driving again. It took four years, but I finally got my driver’s license and a car of my own. I was a little afraid of it at first, but now it’s helping me feel better. Plus I have a dog now, so it’s been good for bringing her out to the dog park and the beach.
I can’t believe I went all these years without an animal. Everything feels so much better with Cherub around. She gets excited when I come home, and that’s exactly what I needed in my life.
I ask Applejack about you, you know. She tells me what’s going on with you all. I know that the news about the marriage didn’t go over too well, but I’m sure you’ll find some way to make that work. If anyone can, it’s you. That’s just what you do, Sunny. You make things okay.
Maybe someday I can do the same, and make things okay for us. I’m trying, Sunny. I’m trying, so just give me a little bit of time.
I really am happy for you. It didn’t seem like it at the concert, I know. But I am. I’m glad things are working out well for you, and I hope they continue to look up. Maybe I’ll write to you again after the next tour cycle. Maybe I’ll even be able to do more than write then.
Take care of yourself, Sunny.