Coda
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Chapter One
Obligations
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When it came down to it, the whole thing was just another obligation. Therapy wasn’t something Fluttershy wanted to do, it wasn’t like it was something that really helped. It was just something that was expected of her. Something she had to do to placate the others. Something that would allow her to keep touring with her Bitchette family.
At least it was the last time for a while. “So your time off is coming to an end then,” Daffodil Breeze said. She smiled at Fluttershy. “Back to work.”
“Oh, I don’t think of it as work.” Fluttershy smiled back. “I’m looking forward to it. It’s all this sitting around doing nothing that makes me anxious.”
“Do you feel anxious these days?”
Right away, Fluttershy felt foolish. She wasn’t supposed to say things like that. That gave the impression that she was having a harder time than she was, and that was exactly what the therapist was looking for. “Only a little.”
“What do you do to keep busy when you’re not on tour?”
“Well, the reason we took the time off in the first place was to record. We spent a few months writing and recording a new album, then I’ve been working with the label to get it released. Meanwhile, Rainbow and I have been recording our own album. So really, it hasn’t been like I’ve been on vacation at all.”
Daffodil Breeze gave her a strange look. “So it doesn’t sound like you’ve been ‘sitting around doing nothing’ after all.”
Fluttershy nodded. “Well, we wrapped up things with the label a few weeks ago, got our advance copy of the album, and it’s all set to drop on Friday. There was a little extra work for me and Rainbow, since we started another project called Coda.”
“Right, the album you wrote.”
“I wrote the lyrics,” Fluttershy corrected. “Rainbow and I both wrote the music. It was fun, it’s a different genre from Bitchette. Experimental alternative rock instead of radio-friendly punk.”
Daffodil nodded and refocused the conversation. “Sounds like you’ve been very busy.”
“Well, yes, but work on both albums is wrapped up. I’m still finalizing a few details on the Coda album with the label, but for the most part it’s just the occasional email. So really, these past three weeks have been a lot of doing nothing before the tour starts.”
“I see.” Daffodil adjusted her glasses. “So three weeks is a lot of time for you to take off then?”
“Well, it’s not like it’s a lot. They needed time to manufacture and ship the album, no point in touring until the album is out or around the corner. It’s all a normal part of the process, and I’m used to it.”
“But you don’t like having that much time off.”
It wasn’t a question, it was a statement. And one Fluttershy could only agree with. “Not really, no. I like to keep busy.”
“Most people would be happy for a little time off.”
“Is it bad to want to do something?”
Daffodil drummed her fingers on the table for a moment. “No, not exactly. But it would be good if you were able to relax as well.”
“I don’t feel like I need to relax. I feel the best when I’m able to work on something.”
“I think finding a hobby would be good for you. Something you can do in your spare time when you’re not working.”
Fluttershy grinned. “I could always take up music.”
Daffodil gave her a slight grin and shook her head. “I’m serious. You could learn to paint, or build something, or even something as simple as gardening. It doesn’t have to be life encompassing, I just think you put so much of yourself into your work that you don’t have anything left when you don’t have work to do.”
Fluttershy suppressed an eye roll. As if she would ever have the chance to do anything like that. “I’ll think about it on our next break.”
Daffodil gave a small sigh, but she didn’t push for more. “Let’s take a look at your chart and see how things are progressing.”
She turned to her computer and typed something in. Fluttershy looked away as she did. There was a framed license on the wall, which she stared at. Not the license itself; she didn’t need to check up on Daffodil Breeze’s credentials. But in the glass, in which she could see her reflection.
It wasn’t a clear picture, of course. It wasn’t like she was staring into a mirror. She took note of how long her hair was getting these days. It curled at the ends, which was the only reason it didn’t reach her shoulders. She would have to get it cut again before the tour.
If she didn’t know her face so well, she wouldn’t have taken note of much else in the reflection. She could make out her piercings, one on her left eyebrow and two on either side of her lower lip. There were a few more in her ears, but she couldn’t see those. They were little changes made over the years to look less like the weak and helpless girl she had been as a teenager. If she had seen this reflection back then, would she even recognize it?
“You reported one of your issues when we started was trouble sleeping. Have you been doing any better about that?”
“A little bit,” Fluttershy lied. Truthfully, she had been up half the night again and only got to sleep with a little help from a bottle of alcohol. That was typical for her. “It’s still difficult.”
“Have you talked to your med provider about sleeping aids?”
Fluttershy frowned. “I think it’s better if I stay away from them.”
“Right.” Daffodil swivelled in her chair so she was directly facing Fluttershy. “That brings us to the big one. How are you doing with the suicidal thoughts? Are they getting better with the antidepressants?”
Fluttershy hesitated. “Well, I’m not going to try to kill myself again.”
“That’s great to hear.” Daffodil smiled knowingly. “But are you still thinking about it?”
Fluttershy couldn’t meet her eyes. “I mean, not all the time or anything…”
“Less than before?”
“Yes.” Fluttershy wasn’t sure about that, not really. But if they thought she was suicidal, they might send her to a crisis unit or something, and there was no way that would help her. “I think I’m doing better.”
“Good, I’m really glad to hear that.”
That was all therapy was for Fluttershy. She downplayed her issues just so they wouldn’t commit her or anything, and she just got through it. It didn’t help, not really. The medication did, and that was good enough for Fluttershy. She didn’t need therapy to help her, she just needed it to placate the rest of the band so they’d let her keep touring with them.
The session continued in the same vein. Because it was their last in-person session until the tour was over, Daffodil didn’t push for deeper conversation. Instead, she focused on Fluttershy’s progress over the months that they’d been meeting, which by all accounts seemed to be good.
Or at least, that’s what Fluttershy thought. Daffodil seemed to have other ideas. “I think we have a pretty good rapport between us. We talk about a lot of things, but I don’t know if we’re talking about the right things.”
Fluttershy wasn’t sure how to answer that. “I’m not hiding anything.”
“I’m not saying you are. But it feels like we’re just scratching the surface, and sometimes, like we’re not even doing that.”
“I just…” Fluttershy ran her hand through her hair. “I don’t know what to say. It’s not like bad things are happening that I need to talk about. You know all the stuff that happened in the past, but it’s all in the past and I’ve moved on from it. Now I just have some bad days, but I’m doing okay.”
“Well, you’ve got a few days before leaving for the tour. I know you’ll be busy, but I want you to use this time to think about something that would be helpful to discuss in our first phone meeting.”
Right, the phone meetings. Fluttershy wasn’t looking forward to that, but going on tour didn’t get her out of therapy, it just changed the nature of it. “I’ll try to think of something, but I’m really not sure what to talk about.”
“Just do your best. Maybe it’s something to do with your life growing up, or problems with your job.” A smile grew on Daffodil’s face. “Oh don’t give me that look, I know you like it, but everyone has problems with their job.”
“I’ll think about it.”
Daffodil glanced at the digital clock on her desk. “We have about ten minutes left. Anything on your mind?”
‘How pointless therapy is?’ But of course, Fluttershy just smiled and said, “Not really. All I’ve been thinking about is the tour.”
“Alright, well, let’s talk about the tour then. I’m sure it’ll be a big change for you to be back on the road.”
Fluttershy shook her head. “It feels more like home than being in Everton does.”
“Got any friends on the road you plan on visiting?”
“A few. We’re going to Europe for the second leg of the tour this time, and one of my best friends moved to France.”
“Oh, how exciting! Have you been to Europe before?”
“Yes, we did a small tour once before, but this one will be a lot longer and we’ll be going to places we didn’t get to the first time around. Like Spain, I’ve never been there, but we’ve got two shows there this time around.”
“Very cool. And you’re excited for it?”
“I am. I love to travel.”
“Is there anything about the tour you’re not excited for?”
Fluttershy looked down at her feet. She wasn’t getting out of this without admitting something negative, it seemed. “Well, we agreed on no alcohol backstage, and that changed the whole feeling of the tour. We still go out for drinks here and there, we’re not trying to be completely sober, but, well…”
“Less of a party?” Daffodil asked.
Fluttershy shook her head. “I don’t really mind, it’s just… well, it’s my fault. Everyone has to deal with it because I couldn’t control myself.”
“And you feel guilty about that?”
“I guess.” Fluttershy sighed and looked out of a window. They were on the second story of the mental health facility she had her therapy meetings at, and from across the room, there wasn’t much of a view besides the top of the building across the street. “I know they’re supporting me and I should be happy about that, but I just wish they didn’t have to.”
“There’s no one right way to feel about something,” Daffodil reminded her. “Don’t beat yourself up because you’re not feeling what you think you should be feeling.”
“I know. It’s just hard. It makes me not want to be backstage at their shows, but if I don’t show up, then I have to sleep alone.”
“What do you mean?”
Fluttershy smiled a little. “Well, you know. Groupies and all that.”
“I see. I didn’t realize you did that sort of thing. How do you feel about casual sex?”
Fluttershy blushed a little. Daffodil didn’t seem to find the conversation uncomfortable, but Fluttershy wasn’t used to talking about it so openly. “Well, I don’t know. I guess I like it. I… sleep with girls on tour a lot.”
Daffodil nodded. “There’s nothing wrong with being sexually active, but I do have to ask. Are you being safe?”
“Uhm, I’m gay.” Fluttershy snickered. They’d talked about that already, so she wasn’t sure why this was coming up. “I’m not going to get pregnant.”
“True, but STIs can still be an issue any time there’s fluid exchange. I could provide you with some reading material if you need it.”
Fluttershy’s blush deepened. It wasn’t like it wasn’t something she’d thought about, but, well… “The girls I sleep with always seem healthy. No weird warts or anything like that.”
Daffodil nodded. “But you know, certain STIs don’t show symptoms. I think it would be a good idea to get tested, and in the future to try and limit yourself to sexual partners you know are safe, and avoid fluid exchange when you’re not.”
“I’ll, uhm, keep it in mind.” It wasn’t like Daffodil didn’t have a point, it was just… the other option was to be alone…
“I just want you to be safe. But I can see this is an uncomfortable topic for you, so how about we come back to this in another session when you’ve had some time to process it?”
Fluttershy nodded. “I’d appreciate that.”
Daffodil smiled, then continued along with the conversation as if it were the most natural thing in the world. “I do want to make sure you don’t have any other hangups with sex though. You mentioned not wanting to sleep alone. Is that a big issue for you?”
Fluttershy wouldn’t meet Daffodil’s eyes. “Does anyone like to sleep alone?”
“Sure, some people prefer it. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be close to someone, of course, but do you feel like you need to be with someone?”
“I… no, no I don’t feel like I need to.”
“Good. And you’re okay with it being someone different every night?”
Fluttershy laughed a little. “Relationships have never worked out well for me.”
“Hmm, I don’t think we’ve talked about your past relationships before. Is that something that still bothers you?”
Fluttershy shook her head. “It doesn’t matter. There were a few, but they were both a long time ago. One of them wasn’t ever a real relationship anyway, she was just using me to travel with the band for a bit.”
“Ooh, that must have stung.”
“Yeah, it did. But I’m over her these days.”
“And what about the other one?”
“Hmm?”
“You said ‘both’. What about your other relationship? Are you over her?”
Fluttershy hesitated, then eventually said, “It doesn’t matter.”
“Sure it does. Tell me about her.”
“She was… well, her name was Sunset. We lived together for about a year, and I was just a dumb teenager. I thought we’d be together forever, you know? First time being in love and all that.”
“I remember those days.” Daffodil smiled. “But you’re still young, and the first heartbreak sticks around for a while. Is it something that still bothers you?”
“Not really. I don’t think of her that often. And I’m happy for her, she’s doing really good these days. She’s married, and she has a good life.”
“Oh, are you still in touch?”
Fluttershy shook her head. “No, but we went to high school together, so we had a lot of the same friends. They let me know how she’s doing and when big things happen to her.”
“Is it hard to hear about her doing well when you’re still struggling with your own feelings?”
“No, I’m happy for her. Really. Anyway, like I said, I don’t think of her very much. She moved far away, so it’s not like we’ll ever see her again.”
“You never know, you’re on tour all the time. Maybe she’ll come to one of your shows and surprise you.”
Fluttershy smiled. Somehow that almost felt like the kind of stupid thing Sunset would do. “I think she’s caught up in her own life these days, which is fine. I prefer it this way, and I think she does too. We’re our own people, our lives just crossed paths for a while.”
“Okay, I believe you.” Daffodil looked at the clock again. “And anyway, that’s about it for our time. I do want to talk to you about some of this stuff in another session, though. I think we’ve got something worth digging into this time.”
“Okay. I’ll try to make sure I’m somewhere we can have a nice private conversation when you call then.”
Daffodil stood up, so Fluttershy did as well. She followed the therapist to the door, and she led them out of the building. “Well, Miss Fluttershy, it was a pleasure as always.”
That was unlikely; this was just work for Daffodil Breeze. But Fluttershy just smiled and nodded. “Thank you, it’s been nice.”
They walked together downstairs, then Daffodil held the door to the lobby open for Fluttershy. “Good luck on the tour. And take care of yourself.”
“Thank you, have a nice day.”
With one final wave, Daffodil went back to her office, while Fluttershy got in line to check out. As she did, she thought back on the meeting and the topics they’d discussed.
It didn’t matter. It wasn’t like therapy was something that helped her. It was just an obligation, something she had to do to prove she was dedicated to improving her mental health.
She got to the checkout counter and smiled, handing her insurance card to the clerk. More pleasantries, social obligations that she’d fulfil as she always did, then she was on her way.
As she left the building, she pulled out her phone to call a taxi, but it turned out she didn’t need to. Before she could open the ride-sharing app, she heard a familiar voice call out, “Fluttershy! Over here!”
She looked up to see Pinkie’s minivan, with Pinkie herself hanging out of the driver-side window and waving at her. Fluttershy smiled and waved back, then walked across the parking lot to greet her friend.
“Hello, Pinkie,” she said once she got close enough. “What are you doing here?”
“Well, I was out looking for cute girls, and look! I found one!”
Fluttershy giggled, then opened the passenger door and climbed into the minivan. She was surprised to find she wasn’t the only passenger, as the middle seats were filled by two others.
“Hey, Shy,” Rainbow said with a sheepish grin. “Pinkie talked us into coming and getting you.”
Flash nodded. “Hope you don’t mind.”
“Of course not, it’s nice to see you all. Did you want to do something together?”
“We were thinking of going out for lunch, if you’re hungry,” Pinkie said. “There’s a burger place nearby that has veggie burgers.”
“Sounds good.” Fluttershy buckled herself into the front passenger seat, and Pinkie drove off.
As they drove, Rainbow asked, “So how’d it go today?”
“It was good,” Fluttershy said. “Mostly we just talked about how I’ve been doing since starting. Last time before the tour and all that.”
“Aww, I’m so proud of you!” Pinkie said, causing Fluttershy to blush a little. “I know it must be tough to talk about stuff like that with someone you don’t know super well, but you’re doing really great!”
“Uh, Pinkie?” Rainbow said gingerly. “We usually don’t make a big deal about Shy’s sessions. It, er… It kinda makes her uncomfortable.”
“Oh! I’m sorry…”
“It’s okay,” Fluttershy said, then she smiled a thank you to Rainbow. Ever since Fluttershy’s suicide attempt, Rainbow had learned a lot about mental health, including how and when to talk about it with Fluttershy. She’d done some research on her own about depression, what things were like for Fluttershy, and what she could do to help.
As usual, Flash stayed out of the conversation. It wasn’t that he didn’t care, just that he seemed to always be worried about crossing some line.
Thankfully it wasn’t an issue for long, as Pinkie soon changed the subject. “So, looking forward to Friday?”
Rainbow shrugged. “You know the tour doesn’t start until Monday, right?”
“Yeah, but the new album comes out! Then you get to hear what people have to say about it!”
“Yeah, true.” Rainbow grinned. “Everyone likes the new single, I’m sure they’ll love the album.”
Flash scratched at the back of his head. “To tell the truth, I’m more nervous than anything for ours. People liked our first album, but that just means there are more expectations this time.”
The Washouts were working on their sophomore album, which meant they weren’t going to be able to tour with Bitchette this time. That was fine though, they’d secured a smaller headlining tour of their own, which was a big step for the younger band.
“Hey, your new material kicks ass,” Rainbow said. “People will love it!”
“I kind of feel the same way as Flash,” Fluttershy said. She looked between Rainbow and Pinkie, who were the only other performers with Coda. “Our other album comes out in a few months, and I don’t know what people will think of that.”
“Uh, that we’re awesome?” Rainbow said. “Seriously, those songs are some of the best we’ve ever done. Uhm, don’t tell the rest of the band I said that.”
Pinkie had been the drummer for the Coda album, since neither Rainbow nor Fluttershy played drums. They’d recorded it while Bitchette was recording their third album, Fight or Flight, and it was a very personal project to Fluttershy.
“I’m sure fans will love it,” Pinkie said. “Didn’t you say that people are excited for it?”
“Well, most people don’t know about it, and even the hardcore fans are more interested in Fight or Flight,” Fluttershy explained. “But we’ve announced it and some people are looking forward to it.”
“Ah, the mysterious side project.” Flash grinned. “You know Rainbow still hasn’t shown me any of the Coda songs?”
“Really?” Fluttershy asked.
Rainbow looked sheepish. “It’s just, you know, those are your songs. It doesn’t feel like I should be showing them off.”
Fluttershy rolled her eyes. “The album’s coming out one way or another. You can show Flash the songs.”
“Cool. I look forward to hearing them.” Flash gave Fluttershy a thumbs up.
They talked about the upcoming tour as Pinkie drove them to the restaurant. It was easy to see that Pinkie was sad to see them go, but she had to have gotten used to that by now, and she didn’t outright say anything about it. Everyone else seemed excited, at least.
They reached the restaurant and parked, and Pinkie led them into the building. A bell chimed to announce their entrance, and a perky server showed up to seat them.
“Can I start you off with some drinks?” she asked as they all took their seats. Pinkie and Fluttershy sat on one side so that the couple could sit together.
They all ordered sodas, except for Pinkie, who got a sweet tea. The server left them with some menus and went to get their drinks. For Fluttershy, looking over her menu was more of a formality; as she expected, they only had one veggie burger option.
“So what’s good here, Pinks?” Rainbow asked.
“Oh, everything!” Pinkie leaned across the table to point at a burger with bacon. “But this one’s my favorite! It’s so good!”
“Well, alright then.” Rainbow folded up her menu. “Can’t go wrong with bacon, eh?”
“I think I’m gonna get this one,” Flash said, pointing at a burger that was topped with enough ingredients that it practically came with its own salad.
“What about you, Pinkie?” Fluttershy asked. “Are you getting the bacon one too?”
“Nah, I think I want a veggie burger this time.”
“You’re not just getting that because of me, are you?”
Pinkie rolled her eyes and patted Fluttershy on the back. “Oh, Shy… Of course I’m getting it because of you!”
Fluttershy quirked her eyebrow. “You know I don’t mind if you all eat meat.”
“I know, but…” Pinkie shifted in her seat. “I’ve been thinking, and… I guess maybe I want to try being a vegetarian like you? I think it’s amazing that you do that, I think you’re amazing for doing it, and… and I want to try to do my part too!”
Fluttershy blinked. She had never expected any of her friends to take an interest in being vegetarian. She liked the idea of her friend becoming a vegetarian, but she needed to know what she was getting into. “It’s not easy. A lot of places don’t have veggie options, so you’ll have to cook your own food most of the time. It’s more expensive, and a lot of things you don’t think would have animal products in them do.”
Pinkie nodded. “I know, I’ve been looking into it. I don’t know if I can do it, but I want to try!”
Fluttershy wrapped an arm around Pinkie. “Just remember that it’s a process, and it’ll take time to get used to it. Setbacks happen, you’re giving up something you love and that’s going to be hard. Just try to keep getting back up and don’t let setbacks discourage you if it’s something you really want to do.”
Pinkie leaned into Fluttershy’s hug. “At least I’ve got a good role model!”
Fluttershy giggled. “I know a lot of good vegetarian meals, I’ll send you some recipes. Maybe cooking new things will help you get used to it.”
“Thanks, Fluttershy.”
“Great, now you’re both crazy…” Rainbow shook her head, causing the other two women to laugh.
Their server came back and they placed their orders. Fluttershy sipped on her cola while Rainbow launched into a story about the fan that she met on the streets earlier in the day.
“Pretty much made his year, but no big deal,” Rainbow said with a shrug as she finished the story.
“Does the ego ever stop?” Flash asked Fluttershy.
Fluttershy giggled. “Nope, it’s pretty much limitless.”
Rainbow punched Flash on the shoulder. “Careful, don’t think I won’t kick you out of your own bed.”
Although she smiled, Fluttershy was a little sorry to hear that. “Oh, are you spending the night at Flash’s again?”
Rainbow realized what she had said and frowned. “Yeah… Sorry, I know you don’t really like being at my parents’ without me, but you know… the tour is around the corner and Flash won’t be coming with us this time.”
Fluttershy nodded. It would be selfish to expect Rainbow to do anything else. “Of course, you two should spend as much time together as possible.”
“If you don’t want to go to Rainbow’s, you can stay with me,” Pinkie said. “It’ll be like a high school sleepover!”
Fluttershy smiled. “That’d be nice, but sleeping on the floor isn’t as appealing as it was back in high school.”
Pinkie shrugged. “We can share the bed.”
As usual, Fluttershy wasn’t exactly sure if Pinkie was joking or not. No, that wasn’t true, Fluttershy knew Pinkie was serious. True, Pinkie had a boyfriend now, but she just didn’t think things like that were a big deal.
“Maybe. But for now, it looks like our food is here.”
Their server gave them their orders, then everyone turned their attention to their burgers. Fluttershy thought it was pretty good, although like most places, their meat burgers were probably more of their specialty.
While they ate, Flash leaned in and asked Rainbow something, but she didn’t seem to like whatever it was. She deflated, then looked away from them. Fluttershy cocked their head to the side.
Eventually Flash sighed and addressed Fluttershy. “So, Rainbow and I have been talking.”
“Oh?”
Rainbow took a deep breath. “After this tour, Flash and I are going to get a place together. We were already talking about taking a longer break after this one, and well… I don’t want to live with my parents forever, you know?”
“Oh.” Fluttershy blinked. “That’s nice. Why are you acting like I would have a problem with this?”
Now Rainbow was the one cocking her head to the side. “Er, because then you’d have to move out too? I mean, you don’t have to, I don’t think my parents would mind you staying.”
“But it’d be awkward for me to live there without you,” Fluttershy finished for her. She shrugged and took a bite of her burger. Rainbow still seemed to be waiting for more, so once she swallowed, Fluttershy said, “So I’ll find a place to live. I make enough money to get my own place. I just never did because we’re not always in town.”
“Well, glad you’re taking it well then,” Rainbow said with a grin. “I was afraid of springing it on you.”
“We’ve got eight months planned for this tour, I’ll look at houses while we’re gone.” Fluttershy turned to Pinkie. “Do you think you could check out some houses for me while I’m gone?”
“Of course!” Pinkie said brightly. “Caramel and I have been talking about looking for a place of our own too.”
Gilda and Limestone already lived together, and Lightning Dust had been renting a house of her own for over a year. Applejack would probably always live at Sweet Apple Acres, and everyone else had moved away from Everton. The group at the restaurant were the only ones who hadn’t found the homes they belonged in yet.
And, of course, there was Sunset…
Fluttershy frowned at the thought. Sunset had found her place before any of them, and she was doing quite well for herself there. And Fluttershy was happy for her. She said so every time Sunset came up, after all.
They finished their burgers, paid and tipped their server, then they were heading out. The others were talking about what to do next, but Fluttershy wasn’t paying much attention. She was thinking about getting her own house, and how that had once been all she wanted in her life, and now it was another thing she was only doing out of obligation.
And she was thinking of Sunset. If Sunset had just stuck around, if Fluttershy had just not pushed her away, then would they be moving into a new house together now? Would they have already done so? Everyone else was moving out to live with their partner, Fluttershy was moving out because she was obligated to do so.
“What do you wanna do, Shy?” Pinkie asked.
That was the question, wasn’t it? What did Fluttershy even want to do? “I don’t know,” she said. “Whatever you all want to do is fine.”