Criminally Stupendous

by dudenotactive


Red Dead Revenge

Fuchsia took a sip of her chocolate almond coffee. She sighed contentedly as she relaxed into her seat. She had to confess, there were some perks of being lookout, and it was this. Some good old jazz music being played by some indie band, a nice brew of coffee in her hoof, and some time to herself. 

The best part was that it looked like Roman had it all under control. Not once had a pony come running out of the pizzeria ever since he went in, she guessed that they were too scared of the criminal to even run. So here she was, just waiting it all out. As much as she disliked being sent to Canterlot, she was starting to enjoy it. 

"Excuse me," Fuchsia cursed under her breath, interacting with other people was the last thing she wanted to do right now. She straightened herself before facing whoever the pony that disturbed her was. 

And much to her surprise, it was an oddly dressed pony. He wore a black hood with no sleeves and a white vest. The most notable part of the pony was the mask they wore, and the pair of round glasses on the mask as well. The pony who had a brown coat sat on one of the vacant seats on the table and stared at Fuchsia silently. 

Fuchsia eyed the masked pony carefully, her eyes darted to the exit and back to this mysterious and awfully dangerous creature. Her hoof reached towards the book that she received from Roman and prepared herself to run. But before she could even execute her plan, the pony began to remove his mask and hood, revealing an odd feature that should not be there. 

Then he scowled deeply. "I will only ask you once, where is the human."

"H-human? I don't know what you're talking about..."

He sighed. "Don't play dumb, I saw you interacting with him many times throughout the day." He fished out a couple of pictures from his pockets and presented them to the mare. Fuchsia's eyes widened, they were all what he had claimed. Pictures of Fuchsia and Roman interacting. "I have easily lost him countless times, but you are much easier to find. So just point the way and I'll be out of your hair."

"Excuse me," A random pony who looks to be a worker of this cafe had approached the two. "but is there a problem?"

"Official Iron Legion business." Fuchsia's interrogator pulled out a badge and showed it to the pony. "If you have any complaints, take it straight to the General himself."

"O-of course, sir! I'm sorry for disturbing you..." The pony staggered back a little as she back tracked away from the two. 

"The Iron Legion!?" Fuchsia exclaimed. 

"Shh!" He hushed her. "Listen, I don't want to cause any trouble. But it is important for me to speak with Roman. If you don't tell me where he is right now, then you're going straight to HQ for a proper interrogation."

Fuchsia was frozen stiff, she was contemplating if she should sell out Roman right now to save her skin. Would he understand? Maybe, maybe not. 

Roman was the kind who would give up his own to escape from what she understood from his stories from his own world. As much as he was a snake, there were moments when he showed a bit of compassion, only to be drowned in a pool of his own selfishness.

She sighed, there were clearly no other options. Either she tells the mysterious pony or get a free ticket to meet the famous General of the Iron Legion. 

"Fine," She had finally decided on an answer. "He's-"

Before she could even point the way, an explosion rocked the streets and the windows of the pizzeria nearby shattered to a million pieces. And the patrons of the pizzeria flooded out in terror once the world stopped shaking. The nameless pony bounced into action pulling up his hood and donning his signature mask, he dived straight through the window and ran towards the pizzeria like an action star heading towards his moment of awesomeness. 

Left with a coffee filled with shards of glass, Fuchsia was frozen once again. Then at the corner of her eye she saw the same pony from before approaching her. Without even thinking straight, Fuchsia hooped through the broken window and bolted off to another direction leaving the scene. She passed by a few Royal Guards but they didn't even bat an eye as she ran through since they were too focused on the destruction ahead. 

Fuchsia could only hope the Roman would understand her decision today.


Roman gritted his teeth, the two larger ponies still stood in front of him as if those bruises they sported were just birthmarks. They were tougher than your average pony, so much that Roman was sure their skulls were thicker than a bowl of oatmeal. It's like fighting two bulls with a stick, which is honestly what is happening right now but the stick could blow things up. 

BT huffed before charging straight towards the thief for a tackle, Roman quickly launched himself over BT only to receive a devastating left hook from out of nowhere courtesy of Linguine. Roman slammed on the ground with a thud and was not given any time to rest as Linguine attempted to stomp the lights out of Roman but he missed him just by the hair. The thief rolled away as quick as he could and stood back on his hooves. He growled softly before dashing towards the duo with his cane pulled back. 

BT didn't see the hit that came as he was smacked right on the face knocking down to his knees. And while BT was still down Roman quickly thrusts Melodic Cudgel into Linguine's throat. 

Linguine coughed violently as he held his throat recoiling away from the thief. BT had finally recovered and gave Roman a clean right hook to the temple sending Roman's hat off his head. Roman glared at his assailant and spat into BT's eyes blinding him. 

"Gah!" Cried BT. "You dirty player!"

"All's fair in love and war my friend!" Roman said right before slammed the handle of his cane on the side of BT's face.

Then Roman sets his eyes on Linguine, the only remaining one since BT was practically out of the game. Roman wasted no time, he dashed over to Linguine and performed an axe kick on his head. His hoof came down hard on Linguine's melon probably killing some brain cells, but hey, the dumb muscle don't exactly need it.

Roman huffed tiredly, the fight took longer than he imagined and it really surprised him that these two held out for so long. He turned back towards BT and noticed that he was stirring awake which was what Roman needed. The thief grinned and sauntered over to the down pony. BT's eyes opened then widened after once they stared down the barrel of Roman's cane. His eyes then ran up the cane and glared at the one who held it. 

"How are you not bleeding like an idiot!?" BT questioned. "Linguine and I were pounding your face in but you ain't even spitting blood!"

Roman grinned. "Because I have something that gives me an advantage against you ponies, I have aura."

"Aura!?"

"Yes, a form of magic from my world but let's not talk about that, I want Spice's products and money."

"Over my cold dead hooves!"

"I was hoping for that." Roman grinned. His hoof went into his pocket and fished out a small knife, the blade shimmered under the light as Roman approached the stallion. "Like it? I got this from some unsavory kinds of ponies. A bunch of loan sharks that thought they could take advantage of one of my employees."

"W-what are you gonna do?" BT whimpered as the knife grew closer. 

"Wanna know why they used to call me the Cyclops?" Roman grinned viciously as he pinned BT down and held the knife just an inch away from his left eye. 

BT tried to shrug Roman off but the thief proved to be troublesome as he held on, then the gangster froze completely once the knife started to move. 

"Alright, alright!" BT cried. "You win, alright!?"

Roman chuckled before releasing BT from his hold. "Talk." He demanded. 

"It's in the room across!" BT pointed the way. "Just take the money and the damn product and get out of my sight!"

"Poor choice of words Big, I could've blinded you here and now." Roman smirked just before he slammed down his cane knocking BT out once more. 

Roman then sauntered out of the room and went straight towards the door where BT said where he hid Roman's objective. One swift kick and the door was wide open, and Roman's prideful smirk turned to a frown. Inside there was a table and on top of it was a suitcase of what Roman guessed is the money BT owed Spice. Then there was the small box, opened to reveal what looked to be a Scroll. Not a roll of paper, but the smartphone that originated from his world. 

Roman eyed it carefully then scowled. "Greeny." He growled out Spice's nickname. 

Instead of taking the product, Roman opted to blast it with a special bullet he had been saving for a certain Grimm. The explosion was so strong that Roman was sure the whole street was shaking from the blast. Dust that was stuck on the ceiling fell and any object in a shelf in this building fell off, Roman even heard a few stuff on the ground floor making a series of thuds. 

"Roman!"

The thief snapped towards the doorway and his eyes widened once they landed on someone he was sure was dead. "Perry? But... how?"

"Boss..." Perry approached. "I need to talk to you... but we don't have time!"

"Perry, how are you here? I thought you died on that train!"

"I'll answer everything when we are safe, boss, the Royal Guards are heading straight for this place as we speak!" Perry explained. 

"Damn it... fine! Grab the suitcase, I have a plan!"

"Sure thing boss!" Perry quickly swiped the suitcase off the table. "Ready when you are."


Derpy Hooves, Ponyville's resident mailmare who was currently in a cafe in Canterlot was happily enjoying her tea. Derpy sipped her beverage with a smile, completely ignoring the sirens that wailed just a few streets away. She was curious at first, but then she remembered she had tea so all her curiosity was washed away. 

Then she felt confusion as a door had appeared just above her, that's when the silence turned to chaos as the infamous thief of Manehattan had come out of said door along with a pony in black. Both gracefully landed on the ground next to her then they ran as fast as they could from the cafe filled with confused ponies. Next were a couple of Royal Guards that slipped through just before the door closed and ceased from existence. The table she occupied was broken to pieces as the two guards crashed down. 

"Sorry ma'am!" The guards apologized before they ran after the thief and whoever that pony was. 

"Aw... my tea..." Derpy whimpered, then her eyes filled with determination as she glared towards the direction where she last saw the thief. "Vengeance shall be mine!"

Back with Roman, the thief once again hopped through another door he had just made. But this time he was sure he lost the guards that were after him. He huffed tiredly, he had just been in a fight yet he had no time to rest. Especially when the sirens are getting louder. 

"Persistent!" Roman growled as he brought up another door to go through followed by Perry. Now both non ponies find themselves in some sort of doll shop which was currently open. 

Perry simply raised a badge in the air and said. "Official Iron Legion business! You may return to your lives!"

And just as he advised, the ponies just went  on with what they were previously doing. 

"Iron Legion?" Roman asked as he eyed the silver badge that Perry had in his hoof.

"That's what I wanted to talk about with you boss, I need help. Let's talk somewhere a little... private." Perry said as he eyed his surroundings.  

"Just follow me, I know a place." Roman dropped down another door and it opened up to another scene.

This time the two aliens found themselves in some sort of bar which was empty at this time of day. The blinds were closed yet the lights were on, most of the chairs were propped on on the table and a lone pony was sweeping near the exit. She looked up from her work and stared at the duo, confused as to how they had entered without using the only entryway in the building. 

"Are you Lemon Tea?" Roman inquired.

The mare nodded. "That I be, are you the friend the boss told me about?"

"That I be!" Roman smiled. 

Lemon groaned tiredly. "I wished that you were a no show instead. Right this way gentlecolts." She dropped the broom and walked over to the bar top then around it. 

Roman followed her over and took a seat on one of the many stools available, Perry did so as well though he was unsure why he was taken here and who Lucky Spice was. The thief motioned for Perry to hand over the suitcase to Lemon and the faunus did much to his confusion. 

Lemon quickly opened the suitcase once she had it in her hooves, she inspected its contents with a careful eye making sure that everything was in order. "The product?"

"It blew up when I was having a bit of trouble with Big Tomato." Roman lied. 

"Damn it." Lemon cursed under her breath. "Great, just great. Couldn't you have stolen it from them first? She's gonna take compensation from my pay, you know?"

"Who are you guys talking about?" Perry asked them both. 

"Is he in the loop?" Lemon asked Roman. 

"No, so watch your mouth and try not to give out some vital info." Roman explained. "Now, Perry, what exactly is going on?"

"Listen, Roman, you might not believe this but there is a pony here who looks exactly like General Ironwood. He's in charge of the Iron Legion, really tough and serious like the one on Remnant."

Roman stared at him silently for a second, then his face cracked a grin. "Jimmy? No way! There's a pony here that looks exactly like Jimmy!?" Roman tried not to laugh but he couldn't hold it in. His voice filled the room and he could be heard from outside with how loud he became 

"Not only that," Perry continued. "but he acts like him too."

"Oh?" Roman smiled. "Does the tin pony not have a heart as well?"

"I don't know about that, but he got this personal vendetta against the Grimm. Like, I was just taking a stroll around their base and found stuff I would rather not have discovered." Perry sighed. "I need to get out man. Somewhere Iron Hoof wouldn't find me, I'll take a new name if I have to."

"How did you even get here? This world I mean."

"Twilight Sparkle," Perry noticed the shift of Roman's smile that shifted into a deep frown. "Not fond of her?"

"Not in the slightest."

Perry then shared Roman's feelings towards the unicorn in question. "Understandable, she just wouldn't stop asking about our home world."

"Did you tell her anything?"

"Nope! I don't like her one bit, and as much as I was glad to be here and not on Remnant, I would rather not speak about that stupid planet."

Roman chuckled. "I would drink to that, but I'm trying to keep sober until I'm back at Manehattan. And I see you would also rather stay on this planet even if you aren't fully a faunus. Anyways, what do you need?"

"A new start boss, I could really use it." Perry  requested.

"My answer is no." Roman said without even thinking of it. 

"What!?"

Roman raised his hooves defensively. "Now before you start yammering, listen to my offer first."

Perry growled. "Fine."

"You're deep inside the Iron Legion, for what I don't know, and I don't care." Roman shrugged his shoulders. "So what I'm about to say is; Wanna work with me for old times sake?"

"As a spy...?" Perry simply guessed. 

"Bingo!" Roman grinned. "I need an inside man, you know? Some eyes and ears where I can't reach. I need to get some info."

"What if I get caught?"

"Then I'll bust you out of whatever prison they got you in, and you can finally start a new life!"

"Sure."

Roman choked on his own saliva and he glanced over to Perry with his eyes wide open. "Y-you'll do it?"

"Yeah, why not?" Perry simply shrugged his shoulders. 

"I expected you to say no, and I kinda had this whole speech planned but alright. You begin now." Roman took out a piece of paper and handed it over to Perry. "Contact me via letter using this address, any info you have on the Iron Legion, I'm talking about the number of outposts, most Grimm activity throughout the history. And finally anything about the top members of the Iron Legion."

Perry swiped the piece of paper and pocketed it. "Alright boss, but that new life better be worth it." He said before he stood up and started heading towards the door. 

"Oh it will." Roman smirked. 

And just as Perry reached the door he stopped, he glanced once more over to Roman and his expression darkened. "Roman, I'm not the only White Fang member on the planet. Twilight brought in a few others who would love to tear you apart. And trust me Roman, they will uphold the White Fang cause and wipe out any trace of humanity on this planet."

"And I'm the only human around..." Roman frowned. "Anything else, Perry?"

The faunus smirked. "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet." He said before he left completely. 

Roman stared at the door for a second, confused of what Perry had meant. "Is it Red?" He simply asked himself trying to answer what riddle the faunus had given him. Then his frown turned to a scowl as he finally understood. Perry wasn't the only faunus around, which would mean something far worse is here. 


Perry stopped just by the alleyway that was only a few streets far from the bar where he had last seen Roman. He peered into the shadows and tapped his hoof against the wall. 

"Did you do as planned?" A deep gruff voice came from the darkness. 

"Yes, Roman seems to suspect something, but I'm sure it would pass." Perry sighed. "Just hope I don't get the bad end for this... So what's next LT?"

Then a large imposing White Fang who wielded an even larger chainsaw sword had stepped out of the shadows flanked by two White Fang grunts. LT slammed down his chainsaw and grinds the pavement with its chain. "Continue with the plan, and we shall soon corner the human and drown him in his own blood. He will pay for the disrespect he had given us under his command."

Somewhere out there, a certain redhead who's heart was filled with hatred was waiting patiently for a chance, a chance for vengeance against the human race. He would stare at the moon and make a promise of how he shall cleanse this planet of human filth. Every trace of it shall be burned in the embers of hatred and malice.