I had no idea why I said that, why I told him not to hug me. I wasn't afraid of him at all, and I wasn't angry at him. At least, I tried not to be. I knew it would be unfair to be angry. It wasn't like he did anything wrong or knew what was going on, and it didn't actually happen to me. But I couldn't help but feel a tiny bit bitter. If he would have just paid a little more attention, I might not have felt the way I did right then.
I watched him awkwardly pull back from the hug he tried to give, embarrassed. "I'm sorry," he told me again painfully. "Uh, how about we start eating now?"
Despite the desserts, there wasn't that much eating done as we sat in relative silence. The three adults tried to make small talk with me a couple of more times, and I really did try to converse back with them. But I had a tough time answering their questions with more than simple answers, and they quickly gave up given how uncomfortable I'd just made things.
After a little while of us sitting in silence, Lucky Day stood and spoke up again. "It was… nice to see you again Leo," he smiled uneasily. "I, uh, I… I'll see you later, okay?" I hated knowing how I was making him feel, and decided to return his smile with a small one of my own.
"Okay," I told him simply.
"I, uh, I love you son."
Somehow, I didn't cringe or flinch at what he said, and returned to him what he said. "I love you, too," I told him.
I watched him noticeably relax and brighten up as he waved goodbye, heading off to… somewhere. I watched him leave, waiting until he was out of sight to drop my smile and put my head on the table, closing my eyes.
The two remaining adults didn't say anything immediately, deciding instead to stay quiet as one of them put a hoof on my shoulder and started to rub it. I didn’t cry, but I was feeling bad about myself. It seemed like all I did was make people feel sad when they saw me, and I knew it was just confirming what I already knew.
After a minute or so, Doctor Spark spoke up.”Do you want to tell us what’s wrong, Leo?” she asked.
“I should’ve given him a hug,” I explained to her, my voice coming out muffled. “And now he feels bad because I didn’t. All I do is mess things up.”
She waited a second before speaking again, as if deciding how to approach me. “Can you open your eyes, Leo?” she asked. “I want you to try something for me.” I obliged her request and looked up at her, but kept my head on the table. “I want you to repeat after me, okay?”
“Okay…”
“I am not a bad pony.”
That was slightly unexpected and completely untrue. If I wasn't a bad person, I wouldn't have been here, and I tried to protest against her. “But I-”
“No ‘buts’. I want you to say if\i for me. Can you do that please?”
I didn't want to say that because I didn't believe her. I felt like an awful person, and knew that Lucky Day probably would've been happier if the other Leo was here right now. He probably would've given him a hug and wouldn't have been awkward.
"Can you say it please?" she asked again. "I think it'll help you feel better," she coaxed. I didn't know why, but I suddenly felt embarrassed, and looked down at the table. I truly didn't believe her, and didn't want to say it. "Say it for me please?" she pressed, asking a third time.
After a few more seconds, I relented and finally whispered, “I’m not a bad pony”, feeling myself blush under my coat.
“It’s not my fault that bad things happen,” she continued.
“But what if it is?” I asked, knowing it was.
“Leo…"
I glanced up at her to see both she and Herbal Essence staring at me, waiting for me to repeat what she said. “I really don’t want to do this,” I told her, quickly looking down at the table again.
“Can you try for me?”
Closed my eyes, swallowed, and quietly repeated, “It’s not my fault that bad things happen.”
I felt conflicted. I hated saying those words, and yet it did make me feel better to say it. I knew it was insane to think that it was my fault that Lucky Day felt bad, or my fault that I was in this situation, and yet I also felt that it was entirely my fault. I hated feeling like it was my fault, and I hated that I couldn’t help it, especially since I knew I shouldn’t feel like this.
Herbal Essence spoke up after that. “I want you to say something, too,” she told me. “I am not stupid, and I won’t bully myself.”
That one caught me by surprise. I looked up at her, asking, “I’m bullying myself?”
"Yes, Leo, you are," she said. "You do that whenever you say bad things about yourself. I don't want to see you bullying yourself anymore."
I shrank back a little bit at her sad look. She was another pony who was feeling bad because of me. "I'm sorry," I whispered to her.
"You don't need to be sorry," she said, putting a hoof on my check as Doctor Spark kept rubbing my shoulder. "I just don't want you to say those things anymore, okay?". I nodded, and she continued, "Now can you repeat what I said for me?"
“I’m not stupid, and I won’t bully myself.”
“That’s good,” Doctor Spark told me, “now let’s go through it again, okay?”
She made me repeat those same three sentences eight or nine times, apparently trying to instill it in me. Although, I had to admit that there was something to saying those things that made me feel better. I felt like I believed it more every time I said it. It was a very small amount of belief that I acquired, but still more than nothing.
“Now, Leo,” she started after I finished going through repeating her, “whenever you start to think that everything is your fault, I want you to say what we told you. Can you do that?”
“It is my fault,” I started to think to myself, then stopped. I knew that the two of them were right, and that I should take their advice. Regardless of how I felt, Herbal Essence was right when she said that I was bullying myself, and it probably wasn’t good for me. Even if what I thought was true, I needed to stop.
“I’m not a bad pony,” I said aloud. “It’s not my fault that bad things happen. I’m not stupid, and I won’t bully myself.”
“That’s good, Leo,” Doctor Spark told me. “It’s not your fault that bad things happen.” She went silent for a second, still rubbing my shoulder, then asked, “I know you seemed sad earlier while he was here, and it didn’t last as long as we were expecting, but did you want to see your dad again sometime?”
“Yeah,” I answered truthfully, without hesitation. “I think I do.”
“It’s not my fault that bad things happen,” I told myself silently.
Patient: Leo
Characteristics: Colt, five years old, parents Lucky Day and Blue Mist, guardians Thundertail and Herbal Essence
Report: Leo is a colt who has severe self-confidence issues, stemming from previous unsafe living conditions. He has admitted to being abused by his mother, and believes himself to be responsible for this. As well, he claims to have engaged in substance abuse, and indicates he understands what this means, but it's still unknown whether this behavior was intentional or if this was forced upon him.
On April 2nd, he was admitted to North Star Hospital with multiple injuries sustained while running away from his previous home. Initially, he was extremely distraught and stressed, and showed signs of emotional distress. He was reluctant to accept offers of help, and, in particular, showed an aggressive unwillingness to accept medication for pain. He asserted multiple times that he hated his situation and indicated that he hated himself.
He showed self-harming tendencies, and seemed to be conflicted internally, although both of these things seemed to have been related to stress. As well, he complained of persistent itching, which was also likely to be stress related and went away with time. He was also tense while he slept, and appeared to suffer from nightmares.
As time went on, he revealed himself to be, in general, apathetic and disinterested in most activities. While this is getting better with time, he still has to be coaxed into doing things outside of magic and receiving help when needed. His sense of self worth is still very low, likely as a result of trying to cope with his trauma, and he commonly thinks of himself as lesser to other ponies. As well, he’s worried about making other ponies upset or “hurting himself again”, in particular, with medicine. Although, with time, he has slowly left behind some of this behavior.
He has an above average intelligence for his age, and is extremely observant of what goes on around him. He also has an above average understanding of adult conversations, and can understand what’s discussed in front of him and what it might mean for him. He presents himself as older than he is mentally, perhaps in the eight to twelve-year-old range, but seems to be in his age group emotionally. He has struggled a bit to interact with colts and fillies his age, and has to be talked into doing so, but he has little trouble once he's engaging with them. His magic field and use is extremely weak due to lack of use, although it is getting stronger with time, albeit a bit slower than normal.
He’s formed an intense bond with his guardians, Herbal Essence and Thundertail, especially the former. As well, he seems to still hold his father close to him, and expresses that he’s upset over his feeling bad. He has met with him briefly, and while he did appear uncomfortable around him, he has expressed a willingness to see him again.
He’s admitted to not wanting to interact with other ponies, although his teacher, Cheery Leap, has described him as a leader, and said that he has the ability to easily make friends if he so chose. When he’s not interacting with other ponies, Leo can be described as “spaced out”. A lot of times, he appears disinterested in what’s going on around him, although still keenly aware of his surroundings. He can be described as bored and lethargic, and has admitted that there aren’t many things he enjoys doing. However, he does have an intense desire to improve his magical ability, and much of his free time is spent working out his magical field. As well, he enjoys learning about history and current events, and appears genuinely happy when discussing and learning about these topics.
In general, while Leo is still hurting after the effects of living in his previous home, he is healing, and appears to be much better now than when he was initially admitted. Despite his past, Leo has the potential to be a bright and happy colt.
-Dr. Ivory Spark