Chapter 2: Getting Acquainted
Author’s Note: as characters are introduced you may notice an image link. If you are unfamiliar with Saint’s Row and/or my depiction of the protagonist was too vague the image provided may give some additional context.
Twilight Sparkle felt sick. The number of reasons for her to be sick had just grown exponentially. She had become used to the idea of murder when gangs first moved in, but only intellectually. Now a pony lay on the ground in front of her library with a crushed pelvis and something the human had briefly described as “ricocheting testicles”. That didn’t seem physically possible but she couldn’t deny the terrifyingly efficient results of a pistol butt to the family jewels.
But the shock of witnessing death firsthoof paled in comparison to the second pony. He was still bleeding and quietly whimpering in pain after being ejected from her home rather forcefully by her new acquaintance, but that still didn’t seem good enough to Twilight. The activity that he had suggested just moments before horrified and damaged the unicorn in ways that would not soon heal.
…Or maybe they would. Where was that Taser again?
Earlier, in a meadow just outside Ponyville
“You hear that, Scoots?”
“That loud bang and a scream of pure unadulterated rage? Yeah it was kinda hard to miss.”
“Sounded like it came from Twi’s place. Maybe she was trying a new spell that backfired… I’d better go check on her. Flying lesson adjourned!”
“Oh oh! Can I come with? Maybe I can get my cutie mark cleaning up the mess.”
“Maybe not such a great idea Scoot-oooh never mind.” Rainbow was interrupted by the appearance of a white unicorn filly and a yellow earth filly. How they knew to descend upon the pair of pegasi at that precise moment may never be explained by science but they flanked the orange pegasus just the same. Individually they were known as Sweetie Bell and Applebloom, respectively. The trio, however, was known throughout Ponyville as the “The Headache Crusaders”. All three fillies opened their mouths and drew a deep breath simultaneously. Rainbow’s heart sank and ears folded back in preparation for what was to come.
”CUTIE MARK CRUSADER DISASTER CLEANUP CREW, YAY!”
Rainbow could only assume the last word out of their mouths was ‘yay’ but her ears never lasted that long. As the sharp ringing in her head slowly subsided the mare simply nodded and said “Yeah, sure… I’m going to fly over to Twi’s, meet you three there… Kay?”
Dash didn’t even bother to check for a response from the Crusaders, she couldn’t hear it anyway. She simply took off in the direction of the library and hoped she could get there before a fire broke out.
Back at the library
Twilight had discovered a new hobby. It turns out the Taser so helpfully provided by the alternate Rainbow Dash had the curious ability to stop hearts when certain safety restrictions were carelessly removed. It also had the ability to restart a heart should it be sent into ventricular fibrillation. They were a conflicting yet wholly fortuitous polarization of potential.
The applications were endless, and smelled strongly of bacon.
“Hey Boss, you think we should stop her? I’m impressed and all, but this is starting to get creepy. I’m used to working with the insane, no offense, but this is a new one on me.”
“Pierce, you are completely and absolutely correct. You tell her.”
“…”
“She’s right over there, mate.”
“Naw, I’m good…”
In the skies above Ponyville
Rainbow smelled burning. Given the circumstances that was not a good sign and the mare double-timed it to the library. If she was fast enough maybe she could blow right past the building and snuff out any fires with her wake.
“Holy shit is that a Nyan Cat!?” Pierce pointed wildly into the sky at a rapidly approaching blob of color followed by a rainbow contrail.
“That’s what I said! What’d I tell ya, Sparkle. You owe me twenty bits!”
“I agreed to no such bet and for the last time that is not a ‘nyan cat’, whatever that is. It’s a pony! Now if you’ll stop interrupting me I’m busy… CLEAR!” *bzzt!*
The beleaguered pony at Twilight’s hooves twitched in agony once more as he regained consciousness. He was aware of very little at this point other than ominous laughter of a certain unicorn. He could have sworn he heard somepony saying ‘it’s alive… it’s aliiiive’ at some point… He wasn’t sure anymore.
As Rainbow Dash blasted past the tree that served as the town’s library she saw no evidence of a fire, but plenty of signs of violence. Twilight herself was pounding on the chest of a very large pony she immediately recognized as Brotherhood bruiser. She seemed to be very happy and yelling something about him being alive.
That is so Twilight… Such a peaceful pony she even takes mercy on the enemy. It seemed very optimistic to RD but she didn’t really mind. Frankly it’d be kinda scary if her friend ever succumbed to her hatred. Might be best to encourage her for saving that creep’s life with... What the hay was she using anyway?
“Hey Twilight! Nice work reviving that guy! But I gotta ask, that in the hay is that thing!?”
Twilight was about to reapply the electrodes for at least a couple more zaps before her storm cloud was depleted but the sudden appearance of her friend snapped the frazzled unicorn back into reality. She wasn’t sure what she was smelling but it horrified her. She gave a panicked look to the humans who had wandered back inside the library, her eyes seemed to be pleading ‘please don’t mention what you just saw’. The one who appeared to be the leader of the group nodded silently and left the mare to her own devices for the moment. He needed to confer with his friends, apparently, as he ushered them deeper inside the library.
Twilight smiled nervously at her winged friend hovering overhead but rallied her courage. She concluded the best course of action would be to lie her ass off. “Rainbow! Good to see you! This is a device known as a Taser. Found it in some old dusty books, figured I’d give it a try. Packs a heck of a wallop! Really neat huh?”
“Yeah… neat. So why's the bruiser bleeding, and why is that other thug not moving?”
“Long story… Listen, uh, you know any good places to hide a body? Hypothetically speaking.”
“…Should I be worried?”
“Yeah probably... I found some help for our gang problem but they got just a tiny bit carried away. Good news! I am no longer the Brotherhood’s bean-counter! Bad news, I am most likely on a hit list now. Good news! I have bodyguards now. Bad news, I was only expecting one and I have four of them on my hooves… Good news! They all seem to be very professional. Bad news! Only mostly and at least one is completely insane. Good news! I think I like insane...”
Rainbow hovered over her friend in confused silence. She was officially worried for the mental health of the purple one and had a sinking suspicion it would be wise to maintain a safe distance from her. Something in the back of RD’s mind was mentioning something about a blast radius or whatever.
Twilight didn’t even notice and continued right along. “So with that in mind I was wondering… Do you know where I can get some alcohol? Normally I’d be vehemently opposed to such things but I figured, oh what the hay. I am so screwed right now!”
“…Ya… You kinda are. Your bodyguards, they won’t do something like this again will they?”
“No! No absolutely not.” Lying felt bad but the hole she had dug for herself hit rock bottom long ago. She needed her friends on her side, and she needed her humans to be trusted. She would just have to avoid Applejack all day. “They got carried away today but I made them promise to tone it down from now on. 'Less than lethal' whenever possible!”
Pierce was leaning next to the door listening to the conversation outside. At the mention of ‘less than lethal’ he knew they had a problem. He snuck back to the side room where his friends were gathered about the green crate that had come with them. “Yo guys! Ex-nay on the incendiary round-eh!”
“What? You’re shitting me.” The female of the group was lovingly holding, almost caressing, a box of SMG ammunition very clearly labeled with skull and crossbones over an open flame. “I like, just got these last week.”
“Our contact outside just mentioned something about less than lethal. Tone down your game, girl. Not like a bunch of ponies are gonna put up much of a fight anyway.”
“It’s still bullshit!”
Rainbow was less than convinced. “So uhh… Where did you find these guys again? Last I checked you were still a shut-in. You find them in a bucking classified ad or something?”
“Not exactly… How about I just introduce them? Yeah that’s a great idea! It’ll be like ripping the Band-Aid off. May as well get it over with right? But seriously where can I score some alcohol?”
Rainbow raised her hoof as she prepared to begin her next statement but abruptly stopped. If her mouth wasn’t already open from her aborted speech it would have opened of its own accord after she saw what was passing through the doorway of the library.
Twilight noticed the look on RD’s face. She didn’t even bother looking behind herself before calmly explaining. “And those would be my newest friends. Rainbow Dash, I’d like you to meet the humans!”
All four walked with supreme confidence. They seemed to not notice, or care about, the fact that a small crowd was gathering around the library in response to the recent commotion. The lead human carried a device that entirely foreign to the ponies, but to those familiar it was unmistakably a double-barreled Grave-Digger shotgun. Grey steel barrels held in place by an ornate gold trim and body with a similarly gold Fleur-de-Lis decorating the handle. The wooden stock and pump looked well-worn yet lovingly maintained, its every surface conforming perfectly to the only hands to have ever, or will ever, use it. The way the man carried it cemented the fact that this weapon was not just a tool, but a treasured friend as well.
He seemed to be dripping in cool confidence and professionalism. It seemed as if his every word and movement would be calculated and worthy attention. As he prepared to speak Rainbow found herself clearing her mind and focusing in preparation for the important message that was sure to follow…
“Oi, wassup.”
Ok maybe not so much…
“You can call me the Boss, luv. Real name’s not important, don’t ask. The bloke next to me is Pierce Washington.”
The dark skinned man to the lead’s right walked with a swagger that matched his much more elaborate style of dress. He wore a gleaming white suit, pressed and tailored to perfection, and a rich purple shirt underneath with the topmost buttons undone. Around his neck hung a thick gold chain carrying a fleur-de-lis pendant. His weapon of choice was a relatively modest .45 Shepard. The gleaming silver steel of the pistol, however, drew just as much attention as the man himself did. It virtually exuded elegance in his hands.
“Yeah, pleasure to meet you too Skittles.”
“And the lass to me left is Shaundi.”
The lone female of the group walked in such a way that her hips swayed with each step. She wore a purple tube top under a cropped black leather jacket. Skin-tight purple pants and calf high boots completed the look of a woman who knew what she had and wasn’t afraid to flaunt it. Or was a whore, RD wasn’t sure just yet. Her weapon was a very basic TEK Z-10 submachine gun. Unlike the previous two this did not bear any signs of personalization or even much love. It was just the latest in a long line of brief flings and one night stands. Maybe she had commitment issues? Never satisfied with what she had.. The caliber was always bigger on the other side of the fence for this one, it seemed…
“Hey, how’s it going?” She sounded indifferent, though her eyes betrayed her intense curiosity for the strange surroundings and creatures before her.
“And the lug behind me would be Oleg Kirrlov. We assume he’s human anyway. I always theorized he was, in fact, a very cleverly disguised bear.”
Bear would be a very fitting description for the mountain that dared to wear a sport coat. It was not as gleamingly white as Pierce’s but it was well made none the less. Underneath he wore a purple turtleneck shirt and dark grey trousers. His black boots were large enough that they seemed more at home crushing the hopes and dreams of little fillies, followed by the actual fillies. He carried no weapons of his own, though it was plain to see why. His giant hands looked like they could crush a skull with almost no effort at all, a firearm would just be superfluous. All together he was a terrifying sight to behold, though his facial expression was gentle and actively tried to be comforting.
“I am honored to make your acquaintance, miss. I look forward to exploring each other’s cultures in greater detail, if you would accept me. Perhaps we can share tea together sometime, yes?” The man’s booming voice and thick Russian accent made the gentle and diplomatic words seem almost comical. Though it did manage to break the ice for Rainbow, if for all the wrong reasons.
The leader smiled and held back a laugh at Oleg’s forward nature. “And together… we are what’s left of the Third Street Saints. Now if you’ll excuse me I think it would be wise if we continued this conversation while walking.”
Twilight and Rainbow both stopped gawking at the collection of Saints and focused solely on the Boss. Twi was the first to speak. “Walking? Ok, sure. May I ask why? We have more than enough books here in the library to get you better acquainted with Equestria. And, no offense, but you may cause a panic in town.” The unicorn swept her eyes across the still growing crowd massing around the library. Word was spreading fast through the well-oiled machine that was Ponyville’s rumor mill. “Besides there may be more Brotherhood in the streets. I’m not sure I want another confrontation today."
“Hah! If you wanted to avoid fisticuffs you wouldn’t have hired us, luv! And I’m counting on Brotherhood mooks finding us. I’d just rather we kept the initiative in the matter.”
“My employer is correct Miss Sparkle. We have very clearly sent a message of war direct to their leadership. If my time in Steelport has taught me nothing else, it is that retaliation will be swift and decisive.” As if to emphasize his warning Kirrlov began cracking his knuckles in preparation for action.
“Roight, what he said. And we can get much better acquainted with the town by having a look for ourselves. If we’re going to working this berg over we need to get started fast. We have no connections, no support, and no backup on the way. We need to get ourselves dug in right quick. We survey, fend off the Brotherhood response, and figure out or next move. Sound good?”
Rainbow was about to protest the idea of dragging a firefight to the streets of Ponyville but her words were doomed before they even formed. A trio of ponies had suddenly and mysteriously formed directly behind the poor unsuspecting mare.
"CUTIE MARK CRUSADER ALIEN TOUR GUIDES, YAY!"
“Oh sweet Celestia that was loud…” Rainbow collapsed on the ground and curled herself into the fetal position. The lungs on those fillies were weapons in and of themselves. Twilight did not fare much better. She remained on her hooves but she was frozen in a state of shock.
The leader of the Saints saw no reason to wait for their recovery and inevitable protest…
“Well then, lead of lass. Hit the highlights!”
