Everypony Writes About The Weather...

by Estee

Letters, They Get Letters, They Get Letters Every Day

To:
Weather Bureau Headquarters
The Sphere
c/o Complaint Department
Cloudsdale, EQ 24785

Dearest hoped-for future friend,

Let me begin by apologizing for having taken time out of your day in order to deal with my little issue. I recognize that your department receives missives from all over our beloved nation and while some are simply petty grievances from even pettier ponies who cannot understand why the world does not operate exactly as they wish, they all must be read in turn. However, I assure you that my difficulty is real (but minor!) and rather easily resolved. In fact, I believe the manner of that resolution might eventually benefit all of Equestria!

So permit me to explain.

Recently, I had a laundry day and as ponies with healthy standards are wont to do somewhat more frequently than once per moon, I included my bedding. (It was cleaned separately, of course, and scrubbed by corona and hoof. One cannot be too careful when dealing with high thread counts!) Naturally, I remembered to consult the weather schedule and upon doing so, discovered that the Bureau had arranged for a sunny morning. This was to be followed by 'scattered showers in the afternoon, with increasing wind gusts'.

Now of course, I began to wash my fabrics rather early in the day, as I have a great number of things to clean and in some cases, this must include the unused bolts in my storeroom because as it turns out, dragon sneezing is actually the improvement: after a sneeze, one sweeps away the ashes while after a coughing fit, one comes to regret the insufficiently-advanced state of our nation's supposed finest detergents. And as with so many ponies of quality, I recognize that allowing one's items to dry under the natural light of Sun produces a superior feel and scent to that which would be produced by watching them tumble within a heat-channeling wonder. Also, wrinkling. I trust I need say no more there.

So I hung my laundry along multiple well-anchored drying lines, with the array located behind my residence and place of dress-making business. And having done so, went back inside, content to let Sun do its work while I went about my own.

(Dear correspondent, please do let me know if you happen to be a mare. I would be more than happy to send you a catalog.)

Which brings me to what I now regard as a rather natural question. When would you say 'afternoon' begins?

For my own part, I tend to think of it as starting when the majority has finished their midday meal and as this is a variable (especially for those of us who occasionally design when we should be eating and before your quite natural concern might worsen, I have learned from my errors and the sketchbooks are in the center of the pillow nest), shall we say the demarcation line is -- three post-meridian? Of course, some might say earlier, while others later. And in the real-life example which has led me to compose this letter, it is safe to say that one pony decided it very nearly meant noon itself, added to a single 'qualifying' extra minute.

I suppose there are many ways in which I might attempt to deal with the fallout of what happened next, but I am a reasonable mare and in any case, by the time I finished, she had gathered something of a head start and the fact that I happen to know exactly where she lives still presents me a certain difficulty in reaching it. Additionally, aiming corona-slung sewing needles through the cloud walls does not allow for precision of retribution: I cannot be certain that I have not hit something truly vital, such as any guest she might happen to have and somehow retain for more than three minutes once the Wonderbolts stories begin. And so I am simply writing to you, dearest reader, with the offering of a simple solution.

It is my belief that the weather schedule requires revision of format. Currently, when it comes to the long-term, we receive a calendar, which is broken down by moon, week, and day. Why not refine it to the hourly level? Quarter-hour increments? Surely the pages can be made larger and if somehow this was not possible, magnifying glasses could certainly be purchased in bulk. What prevents the Bureau from saying 'Rain shall begin at one in the afternoon' and so allow ponies the ability to schedule their activities with increased precision? For that matter, it would have been helpful to know what 'increasing wind gusts' meant in terms of gallops per hour, because I certainly did not expect it to indicate something which allowed my bedding to relocate itself across a good portion of the town's west side. Additionally, 'scattered showers' could be something which came with its own map and when combined with the wind gust information, I would have known that the comforter was going to land in fresh mud.

(Please forgive any roughness in my lettering, dear correspondent. I have been sleeping upon a bare mattress for the last two nights.)

Now I do recognize that some might say such precision of scheduling is unrealistic, particularly if they have encountered our own local weather coordinator. (She has a good heart, in many ways, and I will not hear a word spoken against her, especially not before I have had my turn.) To them, I say that contrary to regional evidence, it is perfectly possible for the Bureau to hire ponies who recognize that clocks are for something other than kicking through walls when the alarm goes off, and perhaps their labors shall remind her of what labor actually is. Mind you, I am hardly asking to have her replaced! I simply believe she may need to recall that such is a... possibility. Much like assigning somepony a daily chance of needles, which in her case currently works out to thirty percent.

Should the Bureau require a visual demonstration of what such a revised schedule might display, do feel free to contact me. I have been working on a sample, and feel that I should have it down to a suitable shipping weight within the moon. Admittedly, the need to mail out new calendars by the week instead of the year may incur certain costs, but what else are taxes for? I will certainly and willingly contribute my fair share. And frankly, having recently seen a synoptic chart for the first time, I fail to understand how the rest of Equestria lives without them.

Dearest correspondent, I thank you for reading so far in my missive, and hope that you have come to understand something of me, especially when we are effectively meeting for the first time. In fact, I know that we are meeting for the first time, because you cannot possibly be the pony whom I wrote regarding the ill-advised false need to make up for a missed drizzle with a dreadful downpour, as that unworthy near-felon never bothered to write me back. I am certain that ours shall be a long and fruitful correspondence filled with the exchange of ideas, and as somepony with some weather coordinator experience of her very own (which I shall not discuss here, especially as some of it may fall under national security concerns and a number of minor sunburn/frostbite lawsuits are still being resolved), I feel I have much to contribute to the Bureau. On a strictly casual level, of course!

Please write back soon! And yes, to answer the question you are afraid to ask, you may always feel free to include a comprehensive list of your measurements and hues, along with any picture you might care to enclose! Perhaps we shall inspire each other!

Yours in future friendship,
Rarity Belle

To whom it is likely to insufficiently concern,

For reasons known only to its members and possibly whatever induced what I'm assuming to be trauma-based short-term amnesia, the Ponyville school board just informed me that it has arranged a class tour of the regional weather facilities for my final-year primary school students, which includes cloudwalking spells for any who require them. As such, I'm writing you well in advance to request certain things which I'm hoping will make the visit easier for all parties. These are:

* Exact pickup/arrival & departure/return times
* Textbook recommendations for a week-long preparatory course prior to the tour: suitable for final-year primary, mixed class, ground-based
* Weather schedule for the day
* An assortment of healthy snacks with a minimum of sugars
* Full tour itinerary with map of the facility with all emergency exits clearly marked
* A temporary tripling of all security personnel in visited sections
** During the actual tour, there should be at least two adult ponies accompanying the class group for each colt/filly/especially the fillies, keeping them in view at all times
* Total lockdown of any areas not on the tour, with additional security personnel present behind those doors just in case
* Complete de-ionization of the entire facility
** Should the arrival/departure point require a trot up to the facility itself, the same measure must be applied to the approach path
* Removal of all hazardous materials from the facility, including things proven hazardous in the past, those which are only hazardous under once-in-a-lifetime conditions, and anything which hasn't been a hazard yet but you just never know
* If global conditions permit, the presence of any available members of the International Stormbreaker Team
* Activation of all invasion-level defensive measures, up to and including the use of wonders, elite military units on standby, and emergency communication devices for contact with the Princesses but NOT changeling detection measures because I've done that myself to the entire class and while it would have been a fully suitable explanation, nopony was anywhere near that lucky

Naturally, I'm expecting everything below the fifth entry to be fully ignored. However, this letter, along with the copy which I'm about to have notarized and placed in a safe-deposit box, will serve as final and legal proof that no matter what actually happens, nopony will be able to say I didn't try to warn you. But in the historically unlikely event that you choose to not to regard this communication as either overprotective educator nonsense or an attempt at graveyard humor, please consider consultation with the personnel on the list created from those I've interacted with during previous class trips: I'm mailing that under separate cover, at the heavyweight rate, using a carrier team of six. For the sake of saving time, I recommend beginning with the palace garden staff.

I believe I can safely say that I look forward to making the trip somewhat less than you'll eventually look forward to its conclusion.

Wishing you peace in the final days before you make the mistake of trying to blame me for any of it,
Cheerilee Slate

P.S. The disaster relief form you will need is EQ19PNYCMC3. You're welcome.

Weather Requisition Form 27ZX: Special Needs

Issue: As part of an experiment in cross-species magic replication, I have been attempting to recreate the zebra potion known as Pumzi Ya Mwisho Ya Kupendeza. This is currently at the ingredients-and-stirring stage, as I have yet to recognize the means by which thaums are channeled into the fluid, can't enchant in any way which doesn't produce another explosion, and so I am forced to settle for simply trying to duplicate the exact stages which create the blend.

Currently, my research has encountered what I had originally thought to be a minor issue: the potion must be stirred continually counter-clockwise, at a precisely-maintained speed, for a period of five hours.

This is much more difficult than I had initially assumed it would be. Moving the ladle with my corona is easy enough, but keeping the speed consistent is almost impossible, especially if somepony distracts me. Natural frustrations about having to stir a potion which won't actually work for a period of five hours display their resonance in the casting through speeding things up while I'm not looking.

I have tried excluding magic. This began with trotting around my borrowed cauldron for the required time, and so I have learned exactly why zebras are famed for long-term endurance runs. Also why ponies are not. My attempt to work from above also led to a discovery, but the stain did come out of my fur eventually. Also, in both cases, my neck cramped. I am considering a follow-up paper examining the structure of zebra necks in order to figure out why they are fully immune to cramping.

Request: Perfectly circular localized counter-clockwise wind pattern of .63 GPH, two body lengths in diameter, to be set up at coordinates found at bottom of form because for some reason, nopony put that extremely necessary section in the central area when you'd really think that for anything which records a special request, you'd need to know exactly where it was going! (Proposed form revision enclosed in second envelope.) Additionally, as the Bureau hosts the world's most knowledgeable experts in atmospherics, I am hoping that it also has somepony who works with our navy and so can provide suggestions on exactly how to rig up a miniature sail and have it work with the designated flow. I will take all responsibility for both rigging it to the ladle and constructing the guide rail along the inner rim.

Rationale: I believe that with the proper wind pattern set up, I can effectively have the atmosphere stir the proto-potion for me. And yes, I did briefly consider construction of a small windmill, combined with a gear arrangement which would reach the ladle and allow a purely clockwork stir, but the mayor feels the ladle might get stuck against the inner surface while failing to see that statistically, the odds of having a cauldron screw itself into the ground twice are quite negligible and in any case, on the first occurrence, I was extremely distracted and hardly expect a second migrating flight of swooprays to appear, especially for the next eleven moons. Regardless, she has forbidden future windmills until such time as the original uncovered oil deposit is fully drained.

Should my request be fulfilled, please let me know through the local weather coordinator. She had offered to do this 'off the clock,' but I prefer for the Bureau to know what the plans are, in the event that other researchers wish to duplicate them. And she has already forbidden me from doing it myself because in her opinion, the most efficient windflow I have produced during her training has been vocal. I really don't know what she means by that, but presume it requires her to be the party who sets up the full weave.

I just figured out what she meant by that.
I'm going to kill her.

I trust in her ability to do so.

Signature: Twilight Sparkle

(Received by the Rainbow Factory: return address blurred beyond legibility.)

I know what you've been DOING.

Did you really think you could hide it from the ponies who THINK? The ones who haven't been fooled by THEM? You've been at it for years, haven't you? You think you can get away with it FOREVER. But some of us don't believe every single thing we're told, because we're not SHEEP and at least SHEEP have an excuse. Everypony who can truly THINK knows that sheep are given something when they're born to make them forever gullible. You're testing it on sheep before you use it on ponies. I tried to get into the lambing area at (SELF-REDACTED HA HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?) to watch it happen and (REDACTED) told me that I was getting in the way and kicked me out. She works for the government. Part-time. So she's part of it, part of the time, and she doesn't KNOW.

I think it's passed on through the milk.

But the Rainbow Factory does something else, doesn't it? Something other than just making rainbows. Up there, all innocent and pretending you're just making beauty when none of us can REACH you. That means we can't SEE what you're doing. We can only watch the fumes which emerge as you EVAPORATE THE EVIDENCE. Did you think that would actually work? Because evaporation IS evidence. It leaves a TRAIL through the sky, a path of rot and lies and the chemicals you used to HIDE IT ALL. It's a CHEMTRAIL.

There's a swamp under the factory. I've been there. Taking pictures of the EVIDENCE. And what it's been doing to the FROGS.

Want to see a picture?

SEE THIS ONE? SEE HOW IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S BECOMING AN ORANGE? THAT'S FROM YOU! I SHOWED IT TO ONE OF THE OTHER PART-TIME GOVERNMENT AGENTS IN (REDACTED) AND SHE JUST SAID "Oh, so that's where it went!"

CONFESSION!

I know what you're DOING. I read the article. The one in the magazine you don't CONTROL. They showed me the pictures. And I know you don't get the magazine, because you want to pretend everything's NORMAL. You don't think anypony will BELIEVE. If you just pretend it isn't there, then nopony has to admit the TRUTH.

You can block the MAGAZINE. But you set things up so you could get LETTERS. So this tells you that at least three of us KNOW. I want you to think about that. How we're never going to FORGET. That the world isn't what you say it is. We know what you're DOING UP THERE. We know what you've spent centuries GETTING RID OF.

You want everypony to believe that rainbows are so innocent. That nothing has ever been destroyed to create them.

LOOK AT THIS PICTURE!
TRY TO DENY ITS TRUTH!
DENY THAT A TRUE RAINBOW HAS TWELVE COLORS!

Oh, you think you're so CLEVER, don't you? You hid the TRUTH in plain sight through the most devious method of all! YOU TAUGHT IT IN SCHOOL! Only you did in the EARLY years, so everypony would FORGET. You told us some creatures could see HEAT. That means HEAT has a COLOR. There are colors which you made sure we could NEVER SEE.

The Rainbow Factory exists to DESTROY COLORS.

Look at the picture! A picture of a rainbow in Yakyakistan! DENY IT IF YOU CAN! DENY THE EXTRA BANDS OF COLOR VISIBLE IN THE IMAGE! YOU CAN'T!

YOU CAN'T DENY IT ANY MORE THAN YOU CAN DENY THAT THE GOVERNMENT DELIBERATELY OVERTAXES THE MAGAZINE OF TRUTH, FORCING THEM TO PRINT IN BLURRY DOUBLE-EXPOSURE BLACK AND WHITE!

I name your dead! I name them as kalish, octarine, paryl, garrow, and fuligin! How do you feel, seeing the names of your VICTIMS? The things you grind in the factory, where the remnants are released into the air and turn frogs halfway into oranges! The magazine didn't even know about that part! I had to tell them and they were so happy, they put it in the LETTERS column! Not just ANYPONY gets into the COLUMN.

I think they might ask me to write an article. If I can get pictures showing that the FROG ORANGE is BREEDING.

And then there's INDIGO.

Oh, I can almost hear you SWEATING. You're making EXCUSES, aren't you? You wouldn't be able to look me in the eye right now, staring anywhere else in the world except at the eyes of somepony who KNOWS, and you would just stammer "What about indigo? It's right there!"

INDIGO DOESN'T EXIST!

It's a PRISON. It's where you've been keeping the Hooloovoo. It's a barrier they can't escape from. You found a COLOR FROM OUT OF SPACE and it can THINK. Indigo is just how the rainbow prison looks when they writhe in agony behind the shield which keeps them IN. YOU PAINT THE SKIES WITH THEIR TORMENT.

"But you can't know," you weakly say. "You can't. You've never seen any of them. You can't even describe them..."

Octarine looks like some sort of greenish-purple, is that good enough for you? I don't have to SEE something to KNOW it exists! THAT'S HOW PROOF WORKS!

THE LESS EVIDENCE, THE MORE THE TRUTH WAS COVERED UP!
HAVING VIRTUALLY NO EVIDENCE JUST PROVES THE CONSPIRACY!

What do those colors DO, in the nations where you cannot reach? Do they free the mind which sees them? Do they make ponies realize the TRUTH? IS THAT WHY YOU HAD TO MURDER THEM?

We will reach the factory. We will break into the PRISON and FREE the innocent.

We are COMING FOR YOU, as soon as we can pay for the cloudwalking spell from a completely neutral agent who is not under your control and may take some time to find. Or maybe we don't need one. You don't know. YOU CAN'T KNOW. WE COULD BE ANY ONE OF YOU. WE COULD BE THE PONY READING THIS LETTER RIGHT NOW.

YOU WILL NEVER SEE US COMING.
WE WILL LEAP INTO THE POOLS AND DRINK DEEP OF YOUR DECEIT.
NO MORE COLORS WILL DIE.

R***l*** (!REDACTED!)

P.S. more sunny days please currently paying for repairs to my greenhouse and need a little extra heat until it's fixed thank you

Request: Copy of Bureau master atmospheric map for Ponyville, along with any partial documents which might exist for the Everfree. All regional wind flow patterns should be clearly marked.

Rationale: I want to find out where the ladle landed.

Dear Stratus whoever's in charge up there, not that I would know or anything no he's a public figure sort of Stratus,

I'm writing you as a completely disinterested neutral first second third party who isn't part of the Ponyville weather team in any way and just watches them as they go about their ?radical? ?cool? awesome duties every day. They are just something to watch. Especially their leader whose name I could probably remember if I thought about it because nopony who sees her for even a second would ever forget, and you'd know that because you interviewed her and put her on the team in the first place oh Luna's cratered butt cross this out already Rainbow Dash! Their udderly utterly awesome leader, Rainbow Dash, who is, in my completely neutral unbiased third-party opinion as a Ponyville resident who is not attached to the team in any way, the pony who could be the single greatest weather coordinator on the continent.

But I'm joking, of course. She totally is and you knew that already.

Anyway, the reason I'm writing you today is because I've noticed she's been getting these letters. Because ponies are always going to complain about the weather and some of them don't remember to send things directly to the Bureau! Plus I heard that there's other times when if you talk to the mailmare all subtle-like, you can ask her to show you some of the best stuff before it ever reaches the Bureau, which is just making sure nopony sees any of the worst ones prescreening. And when she says no because apparently it's 'against the postal code' and dumb stuff like that, you sneak them out of her saddlebags anyway! Only then you get stuck with a lot of other mail which already has the stamp cancelled and you've sort of taken it out of the system, so just in case there's anything important in there, you wind up paying to have it mailed all over again from a different town and the postponies just look at you funny.

And I think, as a third-party whatever the other thing was Twilight said oh right observer that it's a lot of pressure on her, you know? I mean, do you know what she has to do every day? She might have to wake up and save Equestria! And if she doesn't have to do that, then she needs her rest because between you and me, saving Equestria can be a lot of work and it's not like any of the other six acknowledge that by talking about it as much as they could, like, I mean, anything under constantly would be kind of an upgrade, you'd think Spike would at least appreciate the idea of somepony taking the time to talk about a contribution and all, so she needs all the rest she can get. And I think she's just sick of complaints from ponies saying she takes too many naps, because those ponies don't understand what the naps are for! They're saving up energy. For saving Equestria. Which is way more important than sticking exactly to a weather schedule because if you don't have Equestria or even, you know, a whole world, then exactly what are you scheduling the weather for anyway? This is about pierogies priorities!

So savings equals savings. That's math.

I could really use some pierogies right now. I wonder if Granny Smith knows how to make them? They're just a weird kind of dumpling, right? Note to self: totally ask about Applejack about pierogies.

Sure, I know some oldsters morons ponies might say she was taking naps before she became a Bearer in the first place, but do you know how she got her necklace? She just had to go and save the whole world, that's all! Because she's cool and awesome and totally has to do that sometimes and her friends helped. A little. Here and there, so imagine how much energy that took! Clearly she was just saving it up for a few years. Because she has Rainbow Sense? Yeah, sure, Rainbow Sense, but now I have to make this look like something they can't exploit for extra work Rainbow Sense, which is this supernatural inexplicable thing which nopony can prove in a lab even if Twilight's probably gonna try again and does just one thing, which is tell you that years and years from the time you first feel it, you're going to be saving the world. So you have to start taking naps. Early.

Second note to self: read over any return letter very carefully because if it looks like he's actually buying this, I might be able to use the same lie and get my old school record cleared. So much for those nineteen detentions which Miss Thunderhead keeps saying I still owe her! And nopony will ever show up at my house to try and haul me back to serve them again!

So the nap complaints are totally bogus, and getting a couple of dozen hundred how many were in that bag I dropped in the river? them every week just shows how some ponies, and I'm not saying who, can't prioritize. I mean, even when I no no no she does show up on time, some ponies still complain! Afternoon totally starts at 12:01, right? So why isn't anypony grateful when she gets her work out of the way as early as possible so she can totally spend the rest of the day working on stunts catch up on her paperwork? Which, as a neutral third-party observer, I can tell you she just has way too much of. And geez, what's with all the questions about the stupid ladle already? She wasn't the one who rigged the dumb sail! I bet if she was, it only would have gone through six houses!

And then there's Thistle Burr. I know you get letters from him because he also writes me directly just to let me know he's still trying to get me in trouble and what does CC mean anyway? Third note to self: ask Twilight what CC means. Once she's talking to me again. If there's any leftover pierogies after Applejack gets Granny Smith to make them for dinner tonight, I should bring them by tomorrow. Complaints, right? Because all he does is complain about stuff which the world's greatest weather coordinator does. And everything else. I mean everything. He complains about the Princesses, only that's kind of recent because we didn't get the plural until a little while ago which, I'd like to remind you, is totally because of Rainbow Dash and before that happened, he just complained about the one. How she's so unfair to ponies who don't believe in the same things he does, which is anything she doesn't believe in and that should tell you why Thistle Burr is one of the worst ponies ever.

I know he complains to you over and over Celestia's heated hooves I wish I knew how many got through, but has he ever told you what he was like to me Rainbow Dash when she first got here? About the fight they had? All the things he tried doing to get her fired? Anypony would have done the skywriting, after what he said!

That's my opinion as a neutral third-party observer. Third fourth? Fourth note: make sure I can attend Pinkie's next party.

So I looked at the map, because I know what he's been complaining about I should be able to sell that one because it's Thistle Burr, anypony within two hundred body lengths knows what he's been complaining about. I bet he didn't tell you he lives really really really? no that sounds too much like Pinkie far away from everypony else, mostly because nopony could stand to have him as a neighbor. There's a huge tract of open land all around his house. Nothing there, no trees, no crops, nothing at all except all the dog stuff which he totally never picks up because he's the worst pony ever and he wanted his dog to be just like him. So it's empty.

Why shouldn't the area around his house be designated as a lightning strike zone? Nopony can ever get hurt! And saying that it's Rainbow Dash being petty and vengeful is so totally accurate I'm laughing again I'm laughing so hard I'm losing the quill from my mouth and the letters look all weird I should write down the laughter to see how it looks HAHAHA okay that just looks dumb next Daring Do fic no written laughter totally overlooking how she's just using the open space to make the rest of the town save safe. But Thistle doesn't care about other ponies and he sure doesn't care if his dumb dog bites Fluttershy when she grooms the horrible thing but it's not like it's ever pulled that off because that would be what the Princesses believe in so again, one of the worst ponies ever. Whatever note this is: once Twilight has the pierogies, ask her about blasting Thistle with the Elements again. She's gotta say yes eventually. It's for science! Magic? Sciencemagic? Thaumawhosawhatsasomethingology? He's just lucky the world's smartest weather coordinator didn't decide to use that space for the main snowdrift deposits! Because the open space means the winds could be set up for it perfectly in about five minutes and

Wait a minute.
Oh. Oh yeah.

He's just lucky the world's smartest weather coordinator didn't decide to use that space for the main snowdrift deposits! Because the open space means the winds could be set up for it perfectly in about five minutes and In fact, just looking at the map would tell anypony with brains that the area should also be the new main snowdrift deposit zone and as a third-party neutral observer with brains, I will be sure to tell Rainbow Dash that. But I'm sure she's already figured it out, given how awesome she is.

Anyway, you should totally ignore all of his complaints about the lightning. And the snow, once winter shows up. And thundersnow, because here it comes, jerk! Besides, he deserves it anyway. Just ask Rainbow Dash. She'll tell you the whole story, which I don't know because I only got to read the skywriting part and she got him but good.

Yeah so need to make that part more formal Yeah so So it's totally obvious to a neutral third-party observer that anypony anyone? can't leave Zecora and Cranky out anyone complaining about Rainbow Dash's performance as weather coordinator simply either does not understand how important she is to Equestria or is an absolutely horrible pony who's just lucky the lightning strike zone stops outside his triple-Celestia-height fence because it's not like she wants to kill him or anything. You should really disregard anything bad which anypony says about her. All the time. If something real happens, she'll tell you. Because you gave her the first job, so you have to know how cool she is oh wait this pony probably wouldn't know that Because a lot of ponies have heard of Stratus, and they know he's somepony you can just tell anything to. That he forgives mistakes, if there's any real ones. He says it's about intent and the spirit of the job, not the letter. He's totally cool like that. I wish I was as cool as he'd been during the interview when we were mostly just flying around. I still wish I was that cool.

So in summary, Rainbow Dash. Great weather coordinator. Totally blameless. Naps only help ponies. Thistle Burr sucks.

Thank you for your time.

Signed,
A totally neutral third-party observer who will never ever be that great

(Final note to self: do not mail first draft.)

From: Cheerilee Slate
c/o Ponyville Primary East
Ponyville, EQ 73189

Told you so.