“Helloooooooooooooooooooooo Ponies!” The male Dj announced. “This is your only one, More Radio! And we’re your hosts Dj Fliptop-“
“And Echoing Cavern!” The female Dj chimed in.
*Sound effects of multiple horns*
“Bringing you the hottest news!” Dj Fliptop announced. “So have any of you magnificent bastards heard of this mysterious Phantom?”
“Well Flip, many certainly have. The newest cat in town who rends and heals!”
“You heard him folks, a cat! Straight from the Nile this angel of death single hoofedly-“
“Cats have paws Flip.”
“-turned the tide of battle in favor of the army of Equestria! You see my ponies, Celestia’s forces marched right up to Fort Craig to control the gemstone farms in the area. The regiment of Sawdust Shower suffered heavy losses to the countless abominations unleashed on them.”
“The so called abominations were bipedal creatures of some sort. Eyewitness accounts report they were large, roughly two and a half times bigger than the average mare. They wore red dress uniforms and black pants-“
“Yeah and they were loco Echoes! Inexplicably flying and only repeating one word over and over. Bludgeoning soldiers to death with brute force. If only if it wasn’t so tragic, it would be like a B-rated horror film.” He sadly added. “Alongside the Hellbats and Celestia’s elite soldiers the Ideals they didn’t stand a chance.”
“Well it seemed like it would just be a normal day. The daily patrols, card games and the like.” Shuffling through papers could be heard. “Sawdust Shower received a message that Celestia’s forces were attacking Appleloussa and Dodge City. So they sent reinforcements to those two cities.”
“Spread thin, this is when Celestia’s forces decided to strike. And this was a battle they were going to lose.” He solemnly declared. “But then… In their darkest hour their savior came. A wave of light and green mist swept through the battlefield! Our defenders were restored and the forces of evil were BURNED!”
“Well kind of. Most reported that they recovered from what would be life threatening injuries. Some were restored to full health and- Why are you looking at me like that?”
…
“Anyways folks! A figure emerged coated in the green mist. Raising her weapon and shooting beams of light and waves of green mist. Healing her allies and smiting her enemies. The abominations were slain and the Hellbats and Ideals retreated.”
“Reports say that she is a young dark brown cat with dark green eyes. Donning a white cloak and a dark green scarf.”
“She didn’t stick around however. She was wrapped in the mist and was swept up by a beam from the heavens!”
“That actually happened?”
“[Bleep] if I know! I’m just your average host and THAT is what they said happened.” Clearing his throat he continued. “Anyways Serene Grace is holding a concert singing hits from her latest album Legends.”
“The greatest star Equestria has seen is the afterthought here?”
“I guess so Echoes. You know things are big when she is the afterthought. Not to mention we talk about her almost all the time.”
“I think I heard fan rage Flip.”
“I’m just kidding folks we all know and love her. Please put down your pitchforks, throw away the hair samples and please sing her songs as long as it doesn’t make me go ‘ow gawd pleash kill me’. Moving on to other news!”
Echoes laughed. “Well folks be careful if you plan to go to Hoofington. The path between Hoofington and White tail Village is extremely perilous. Bandits have become more organized and have managed to get their hooves on a shipment of high powered firearms.”
“Not to mention you could take a wrong turn to the Everfree. You might as well turn to Las Pegasus and live it up! Although bandits have been showing up on the way there too. Is anywhere safe these days?”
“Well Flip there are the local Adventurer Guilds around. Hoofington’s Hydra Shuffle, in white Tail Village The Storm Stampede and Canterlot’s The Scales. Well I’m sure you could negotiate for a manageable fee. Otherwise you should avoid the Southwestern Equestria for a bit.”
“On the eastern side we have Dodge City. Even after being attacked they are still continuing the Cherry Festival in a few weeks from now! That’s right folks, not even the self-proclaimed Queen can’t stop these ponies from celebrating. She should take that up her fat flank and get a clue.”
“On the other hand Appleloussa isn’t doing so good Flip. However, thanks to the Buffalo Tribes in the area they managed to repel the invaders. Not without great cost however. More than half of the city’s inhabitants were killed along with two thirds of the defending force sent there.”
“Wasn’t there a guild there? I think they Wailing Mandrakes.”
“Well they WERE there until they were forced out by Apple Corporation. They owed a lot of money apparently for the property the guild was sitting on. They were kicked out so they moved to Dodge City a few months ago.”
“Imagine if the adventurer’s guild was there right?”
“To bad they weren’t. Yeah! Shout out to Miss Smith you’re a [bleep]. I’m pretty sure they were overpaying at this point. I guess the old hag got couldn’t pay for a bit longer or she just wanted to build something there.”
“Actually Flip they were constructing a factory where the Guild Hall used to be…”
*Bzzzzzzt *
“You guys are this bored?”
“I won’t have these shitstains talking shit about us!”
“They weren’t. They didn’t even mention us. Also, how the fuck are you and Vinyl puling this shit off?”
“We used to work for these fuckers. Heh. You pick things up. Also shout out to mom. Doesn’t mean you married some old rich guy I should too! I’m with the mare I love!”
“Fuuuuck, now I want in. Manticore Sting is the greatest you know. Also I love my bro!”
“Yeah! You mention great guilds and we’re supposed to be in the list!”
“Yeah Dusk! Team spirit. You wanna introduce yourself to the world!?”
*Bzzzzzzt *
“And we are now back. I do apologize for the interruption.”
“Ahahaha. That’s Manticore Sting for you.”
“You know Flip I’m beginning to think that the wanton destruction they cause is just for them to stay in the limelight.”
“You got it! If you hire most of their members you’re probably in more danger just being with them. They attract all sorts of trouble and seek it out too.” A laugh track played. “Well moving on to other news.”
A loud pop could be heard along with the two screaming hosts.
“Goooooooooooooooooood morning Eques. Triaaaaaaaaaaa! It’s your former host Symphony! ”
“Take that *belches* you can’t keep us out!”
“Fuck me with the sun my horn is on fire! Where did you make me teleport to?” A sizzling sound could be heard along with a facehoof.
“How in Tartarus did these ponies get in?!”
“How did Dusk pull that off?”
"Hot. Hot. Hot!
“Now listen Colts and Fillies. Most unicorns can teleport based on visual memory. The real brainy types can teleport by calculating distances. But if one can connect areas using anchors one can teleport back and forth easily.”
“So you’re saying that… Two Unicorns managed to teleport all the way to Manehattan. One skilled enough to place an anchor after tracking our broadcast frequency. And with enough power between them to teleport all the way from Manehattan to Ponyville?”
"Hey! My iced tea!" The female DJ protested.
Dusk sighed in relief before speaking. “Actually that was all my power. Vinyl managed to secure the anchor. Also why does Octavia sound smart?”
A cry of rage was heard and the sound various objects breaking.
“What are you doing this is very delicate equipment!” A few more crashes. “SECURITY! Pull the plug! PULL THE PLUG!”
“I got- Gah let me go!”
“Okay guys say your pieces!”
“Let me beat this motherbucker first!”
“Who needs an escort when you have fast travel!? Contact Manticore Sting for more details! Ask for Dusk Shine. Fuck, get of me Tavi!”
“Yeah ponies. Down at Manticore Sting we have the toughest ponies out there. We can level buildings we can knock down anything else.” Knives quieted for a bit. A long chug could be heard folowed by a burp. “Uhhh Tavi you have horrible hoofwriting.”
“You smudged it with your slobber you foal!” Hey ow!”
“Without your chainsaw you ain’t much huh?”
“GACK! H-how are you so strong!?”
“Well folks see you next time!”
*Static*
*****
This was not what Master Rock wanted to hear in the morning. He would have laughed off their shenanigans usually. He stared at his breakfast of a bottle of vodka and two toasted buns and sighed. He decided he needed something stronger for this morning. He brewed a cup of coffee and poured some whiskey.
A golden flash with a pop signaled that more headaches were to come.
“Hey sis that smells good!” A cloaked figure darted over and grabbed his mug and started to chug the contents.
“Don’t touch that Flora!” Another figure shrieked as she tried to wrestle the mug from the other deer. Flora let out a hick and giggled.
Isaac Stargazer pawed the air with his hooves with a nervous expression on his face. He looked back and forth between the deer sisters and the large Master. “MasterI’msorrybuttheyreallywantedtospeaktoyou!” He let out in one go.
“Slow down young one. Why have the Guardians of the Forest visited me?” He calmly asked. He couldn’t help but chuckle at the swaying deer. Everyone else were real lightweights he thought.
“YOU! Get your ponies out of the forest Rock!” The older deer slammed her hooves on the table as she demanded.
Rock looked confused for a bit before frowning. “We agree to honor the spirits will. You think we would break that?” Rock laughed hard before glaring down at the deer. “Foolishness. It is not us.”
“Lies! All of you ponies just take and take! Never give! You seek to bend the spirits under your hooves!” She accused.
Flora fell on the ground and giggled. Isaac sighed. “Fern. It must be the Apples.” He explained. “You said that weird rocks were messing with the spirits? Thunderlane told me those were warding talismans.” Isaac explained.
“So it is you ponies! I thought you were different Stargazer.” Fern glared at the young unicorn and he shrank back. “The Great Earth Spirit spoke to us. There are ponies seeking to defile the forest. And they brought more of those horrible stones!” She once again faced the Master.
“The stones suck the life out of the very soil! The animals cower in fear. The spirits cannot strike back at the horrible magic. I demand you undo this!” She continued.
The Master sighed as he rubbed his temples. It wasn’t just a great headache. He also felt a crawling dread. “I’m not drunk enough for this.” He moaned.