Ernest let out the breath he had been holding as soon as his shoes touched solid ground. He looked around but could only see splotches of rainbow-colored lights dancing before his eyes. “My dad told me about the 1960s once upon a time.” The lanky human bowed forward and placed his hands on his knees to steady himself. “He talked about this vitamin called LSD and how it turned everything technicolored. I’m pretty sure that mirror runs on the stuff,” Worrell said groggily.
While pawing at his face, Rimshot whimpered his agreement nearby.
Laughter greeted the redneck’s words from across the room. “Buddy, you might have a point about the portal. LSD is many things. However, it is not a vitamin,” a masculine voice declared.
The troll fighter unbent himself and rubbed at his eyes to get a better look at who was talking to him. Standing in front of the exit were two ponies garbed in shiny bluish armor holding spears at attention. They stared at him curiously.
Ernest put his hands behind his head while at the same time trying to put up a brave front. In a gravelly voice he said, “Ernest Powertools Worell, former custodian of Canterlot Highschool and troll slayer for her majesty Princess Cadence of the Crystal Empire. Serial number kilo, seven, two, . . . uh . . . jalapeno, Texas, Amarillo, twenty-two and a half.”
The two ponies looked at each other in confusion. “Is he surrendering to us?” asked one.
“Yeah,” said the guard who spoke earlier. “Prince Shining Armor said the human they brought through here a few days ago was a bit different.” He turned his attention back to Ernest. “Excuse me, we don’t want your surrender. Are the others behind you? Where are . . .”
“Ernest Powertools Worell. Former custodian of Canterlot Highschool and troll slayer for her majesty Princess Cadence of the Crystal Empire. Serial num--"
The whooshing of air next to the redneck heralded a new arrival through the portal. The pony shook her head and massaged her eyes. She squinted up at the troll fighter. “I was wondering if you’d stay the same or change into a pony. Why are your hands behind your head?”
Ernest took a step back in surprise and lost his footing. The human pin-wheeled his arms to keep upright but to no avail and nearly fell back through the mirror. He was saved when a turquoise aura enveloped him like a blanket and stopped his momentum.
“Careful there, Ernest. We can’t have our only troll fighter abandoning the fight before it starts,” the unicorn said playfully. Having regained his bearings, the redneck was released from the magic wrapping.
Ernest stared down at the orange unicorn in shock. “Uh, thanks, Sunny. Wow, you look different . . . . Did you do something with your mane? It looks nice. Oh, by the way, I think we’ve just been captured by some polite well-armed police ponies. I surrendered just to be on the safe side.”
“What?” Sunset looked straight ahead at the two guards. She smiled at the pair. “Ah, Morning Star and Bright Shield. How are you two doing?”
Morning Star inclined his helmeted head. “Very well, thank you. I’d be even better knowing that you were behind magic bars.”
Sunset winced. “Yeah, sorry about trying to steal Twilight’s Crown and leaving Equestria defenseless.”
“What about stealing Princess Celestia’s favorite Topaz? Are you sorry for that?” asked Bright Shield.
The orange unicorn rolled her eyes. “Yes. And I’m going to give that back.”
“And Luna’s gamer headset?” asked Morning Star.
“Yes,” replied the delinquent tersely. “Oh wait, I’ll have to buy her a new one of those. I had a nasty rage-quit a month ago.”
“What about . . .” Bright Shield started to ask but was interrupted by the mirror.
Ernest felt his ears pop when the portal disgorged two more ponies from its depths. The newcomers shook off the travel sickness with ease, happy to be in their familiar forms.
Shining Armor advanced to stand before the two saluting guards. “Is there any news from Ponyville?”
“Yes, sire,” replied Morning Star. “There is a zebra from Ponyville named Zecora who is awaiting your return at the southern entrance. She was brought here on Princess Luna’s personal chariot pulled by her two most elite Lunar Guards. She claims she is here to take the one called Ernest back to Ponyville with all possible haste.”
Shining Armor nodded. “Inform Zecora that Ernest, Sunset Shimmer, and Rimshot are on their way.”
“There’s more, my lord. Just after you left, a message was received bearing the location of the Troll’s base of operations. It would appear that the monsters have chosen the Tree of Harmony as their, . . . uh.” The guard referenced the note. “Incubator is the word, sire.”
“Oh, Celestia,” Shining Armor said quietly, his mind racing with the implications of this new revelation. “Carry out your orders, soldier.”
Morning Star saluted and took off at a canter through the door and down the hall.
The Prince turned his attention to Bright Shield. “Send word to the first and second companies to be ready to depart for Ponyville within the hour.”
“Yes, my lord.”
“Move.”
Needing no further encouragement, the other guard pony took off at a gallop.
Meanwhile as Shining Armor was giving orders, Princess Cadence had used her magic to pluck a smooth square stone from the lintel of the mirror’s housing. After this was done, the gossamer thin magical aura surrounding the portal collapsed on itself and was gone.
Sunset’s eyes widened. “Sweet Luna, is that a Volana stone? So that’s how you got through the gateway.”
The alicorn nodded briskly and held up the rock. It depicted a rune chiseled in ancient ponish on an ebony background. “A cache of them was found in one of the many basements below the Crystal Palace six months ago.”
Ernest thought for a moment until a light bulb came on in his head. “Ah, it’s a moon rock.”
Sunset and Cadence stared at Ernest in wonder.
“That’s . . . that’s right . . . sort of,” stammered Sunset. “How do you know that?”
“Well, back in the day when I was working for my good buddy Vern as an electrician, Vern and I were learning some Malagasy for a business trip to Madagascar. Well one day I kind of set off the sprinklers in his office. He got a little hot under the collar and said one of these days he was gonna mail my hide to the moon in chunks, except he said it in Malagasy. Anyway, it just so happens the word ‘Volana’ translates into ‘moon.’”
“That’s interesting and all,” said Shining Armor tersly. “But we gotta move. Zecora is waiting for you in front of the palace, Ernest.”
“Who?” asked Ernest. Then it dawned on him. “Oh, you mean Dr. Suess. Man she gets around.”
The Prince blinked. “Uh sure, whatever, just get out of here and get to Ponyville as quickly as you can. My guardsmen and I will be right behind you. Go to the south ga--.”
“Can do Your Highness. Come on Sunny, Rimshot. We got some trolls to bust. High Ho, Silver, Away.” Ernest barreled through the open door and into the hallways beyond. The beagle took off after his master, yipping at him all the while.
“Ernest, wait!” Shining Armor called after the human. “You’re going the wrong way!”
“Don’t worry. I’ll get him,” declared Sunset. “I’ll see you at Ponyville.”
Meanwhile
The Pony of Shadows stared at her new shock troopers with a mixture of wonder and disgust. She had been expecting trolls, a vast army of fearsome warriors with small brains, short tempers, and nigh indestructible bodies. Instead what she got was not even fifty of the ugliest babbling midgets she had ever seen. They stood barely two feet tall, covered in ragged clothes, fur, scales, and feathers. With mismatched red eyes that seemed to twitch in every direction, they spotted and ate everything in sight with their huge cavity-laced teeth. But the noise, the sheer racket the rabble produced grated on her nerves like nothing she had ever experienced before. She couldn’t understand a thing they were saying. It was all screeches, howls, and cries, just utter communication anarchy. Full on battles would erupt between several of these hideous monsters, but being as that they were at least part troll, no one got hurt.
It wasn’t until they figured out that they could use chaos magic they started to die. Over one hundred pods had landed on the ground mere minutes ago. Soon after, when one of the troll-mutants figured out he could make it rain chocolate milk into his mouth, the body count rose. The Pony of Shadows watched in horror as the other trolls began snapping their claws, talons, or whatever they had and making milk pour on themselves or others. Half of her army melted away faster than snowcovered logs thrown on a roaring fire. Goo puddles were everywhere. Steaming piles of muck were on the Tree of Harmony, on the carved stairs leading out of the crevasse, and in her ghostly mane. With her dark arts, she tried to tune into what language they were speaking. With great effort, she found what she was looking for. A long dead troll dialect from the frozen north was being used by these creatures. Having finally unearthed this tongue, she employed it as best she could. Her muzzle contorted under the stresses of the strange language. With her royal Canterlot voice she tried to put a stop to the madness. “Cease this insanity at once!” commanded the black alicorn. “I am Nightmare Moon, Queen of the Night, and you will obey me.”
The Tree of Harmony’s offspring paused in their self-destructive onslaught after the equine’s outburst. They looked at each other and as one hurled their collective lunacy at the evil pony. In mere moments the Pony of Shadows was covered from horn to hoof in an array of substances ranging from the obscene to the delectable. Wiping a foul brown material from her eyes, the alicorn’s horn crackled with corposant energy. With a thought, the sticky, slimy, stuff burned from her body with obsidian fire. And with a growl, she hurled her anger in the form of a black spear of magic that caught one of the trolls in the midriff. The little monster she was aiming at was cleaved in twain, its upper and lower halves separated with surgical preciseness. At first a look of shock passed over its puffy distorted face, but to the Alicorn’s surprise, the lower half hopped up on its legs and started to run about. The upper half of the troll shouted angrily at its legs, and using its two arms for locomotion, gave chase.
The Pony of Shadows followed both halves of the bisected troll with her eyes. “This is going to take some work.” she whispered to herself.
Before the pony could contemplate this thought any further, a loud whistle pierced the night. All eyes turned to Rabuf. The eldest troll stood as still as a statue looking straight ahead. His eyes fixed upon something only he could see. He hunched forward like he was about to speak to his new cousins, but instead, vomited upon the earth before the assembly of monsters. The contents of his stomach hissed and bubbled on the ground, melting nearby rocks and shrubs. The new troll king strolled forward and picked up a piece of stone in the process of dissolving. He held it high for everyone to see. He walked forward and thrust the melting piece of sandstone at one of the smaller trolls. The equestrian troll stared at the rock gripped in Rabuf’s fist. He looked at his terrain cousin and shook his head. Rabuf marched to the next mutant and did the same thing. Again he was rejected. The Pony of Shadows watched this strange ritual until finally all the remaining trolls had refused their elder. At last the oldest brought the nauseating mess to his mouth and devoured it. The smaller trolls gasped in wonder at this act.
Pain flared in Rabuf’s mouth. His eyes watered as he let out a groan of anguish. The Spirit of Nightmare Moon winced as the troll crunched down on the final piece of acidic mush. But as soon as the meal started it was over. Rabuf opened his mouth and bellowed wordlessly to the heavens. The smaller monsters erupted into cheers and slowly began to chant a single word over and over again. “King, King, King.”
The Pony of Shadows was impressed. With a single vile act Rabuf had turned this rabble into a marginally more amiable rabble. She stomped the ground in approval adding her own applause to the noisy troupe.
Slowly, Rabuf raised his hands for silence. “Wow, that was disgusting,” he wheezed.
The other trolls laughed and pointed at the terrain monster.
“I didn't need to do that, but I wanted to, and I like the taste. Getting your attention was just a happy accident.”
“You’re crazy, Troll King,” shouted a tiny female troll in the crowd. “What do you want and why should we care?”
The black alicorn eyed the insolent troll. She wanted very badly to punish the upstart but her powers were not infinite. For a thousand years she had husbanded her magic, slowly regrowing what she had lost when her greater self was banished to the moon. Even after all this time, her magic was still not what it once was. She also knew that the key to making this mob do her bidding was through Rabuf. He would have to be the face of this army, not her.
“What do I want?” repeated Rabauf. “What’s your name, cousin?”
“Hctorc Retib, Your Highness,” the troll curtsied with mock grace.
“Well, Hctorc Retib Your Highness, I want a strawberry yoohoo served in a glass that is the exact size and shape of my foot. I want a hat full of rat kidneys that I can sew together for Troll Kwanzaa.”
The equestrian trolls stared at their older brother with confusion written all over their puggish faces.
The Pony of Shadows face-hoofed. She didn’t know if she could bend the wills of so many powerful beings at once in her weakened state. But it was beginning to look like she would have to try if Rabuf couldn’t sway them.
The larger troll continued, his voice taking on a very sinister tone. “I want to make my next pair of shoes out of opossum hide. I want the big opossums to see me turn their little opossums into wood, and then I want them to watch as I eat their children. I want to sow the opossum fields with the salt of their tears. I want revenge for what they did to our brother. I want to take you, my kin, with me and conquer this land and to make this place our own forever. This is what I want.”
Evil grins began to breakout amongst the mutants. Their furry tails twitching in anticipation.
“Kill the opossums!” a troll shrieked.
“Yeah, f*#k those guys!” shouted another.
“I never did like them. Never could tell if they were dead or not!” yelled a third.
The embodiment of Night Mare Moon nodded. Now was the time to refine and focus this destructive energy.
As the trolls reveled in their bloodlust, the dark pony stealthily made her way up to Rabuf. “May I address your subjects, Your Highness?”
The troll nodded and whistled a second time. Slowly the crowd of trolls grew something close to quiet.
“Before we can begin our great war against the opossum menace, we must first have a word from our sponsor.” The terrain troll stepped back and let the Pony of Shadows have the spotlight.
The Black alicorn was greeted with some boos and hisses, but for the most part, the Equestrian trolls gave the pony their attention.
“Just to be clear, when the troll king says ‘opossum’ he means you will be fighting something like this.”
Black energy gathered on the tip of her horn and with a flick of her neck launched the gathered magic onto the ground before her. The obsidian matter gathered itself and quickly formed an angry-looking unicorn that faced the trolls with a hateful posture. Without warning, the transparent unicorn with glowing black eyes launched itself at the trolls.
The pony of shadows heard fifty sets of fingers snap at once. The construct she had willed into life came apart under a flurry of chaos magic. Lightning bolts, laser beams, plaid-colored exploding balls, and other forms of attack were all hurled at the poor golem. The alicorn’s eyes widened as she watched this display of power.
One of the taller more muscular trolls in the group yawned in boredom. “What else you got?”
The Pony of Shadows fought to maintain her glacial composure. On the outside she maintained the illusion of being as cool as winter. On the inside she was starting to sweat nervously. “There’s a village of ponies . . . I mean, opossums not more than a few miles from here.”
“Which way?” asked another little monster.
The black alicorn pointed east.
The Pony of Shadows continued briefing the newborn trolls, and all the while Rabuf was looking at his cousins with pride. This gaggle of madness and magic would make any King thump his chest and declare to the world, “Yeah, that’s right. I just crapped on your dinner plate. Whatcha’ gonna do about it? I got fifty psychos that got my back.” Sure they killed one another by the score in testing their abilities, but hey, that’s how the opossum omelet crumbles. The troll closed his eyes as a gentle breeze caressed his snot-covered face. The thought of eating an opossum marinated in various juices made the King’s mouth water. He could almost smell the furry bouquet of roasting four-legged pastel goodness. Rotnart frowned and opened his eyes. He sniffed the air and asked, “Hey, do you filthy animals smell that?”
The Pony of Shadows shot the Troll King a hateful look at having been interrupted.
“Smell what?” asked Hctorc Retib. “All I smell is troll-ass, puke, and something weird coming from those clouds over there,” said the young troll pointing.
All eyes turned to the small stratus clouds loitering overhead to the west.
With a snarl of annoyance, the ebony alicorn blasted a hole through the center of the cloud. Two pegasi garbed in blue latex with yellow trim vaulted to either side of the magical lance. The older of the two was wearing a bulky communications device strapped to his back. In a span of a heartbeat the Pony of Shadows blinked out of existence. To the shock of the Wonderbolts, she reappeared in their midst hovering mere feet away.
The older of the two elite flyers bellowed, “Run!” to his partner before being enveloped in a cocoon of dark energy. The junior Wonderbolt tore her attention away from her mentor and flew away as fast as she could. Nightmare Moon watched the pegasus fly off into the night before being brought down by dozens of rubber chickens, used diapers, and gallons and gallons of Code Red Mountain Dew. The younger flyer’s screams were cut short when she blindly crashed into a maple tree. The dwarf-trolls were upon her like flies on a corpse and soon her shock and pain were captured for eternity when her assailants turned her into a wooden doll. The successor of Nightmare Moon sat her prisoner on the ground and took from him the heavy radio set, ripping it through the layers of magic holding the pegasus. She eyed the headpiece with special interest. “Tell me, Wonderbolt. Are you still transmitting?”
Soarin gestured at the green button illuminating the rest of the radio. “I’ve never stopped, monster. Ponyville knows you’re coming and will be ready.”
The alicon smiled at the cocooned pony. “Keep thinking that.” She turned her attention back to the headset. Speaking into the mouthpiece she said, “The Obsidian summer will burn the earth and smite the oceans. The day will break and the night will perish under the soles of a million monsters. Weep, oh Ponyville, for the descendants of Sombra’s champion have come home.” When her declaration was over, she blasted the radio to dust.