Twilight wasn't terribly surprised when there was a knock at her door after school ended for the day, students would normally come to ask her about how they were doing. And her star students had a habit of coming around to offer to help or just talk. They had all come a long way since first showing up.
James, while unexpected, wasn't terribly surprising either. “Hi.” She happily said as James walked in, he currently looked like a blond, chestnut colored alicorn, this was normal for him when he came to Equestria. In reality he didn't need to use the form, and she suspected that it was more because he wasn't comfortable standing out despite him being built like Rockhoof with a long blond wavy mane and always wearing a full outfit that was virtually unheard of in Equestria. Twilight had to chuckle to herself, Rainbow Dash had come up with a plan to show him that he didn't need to change what he was when he came to visit.
With his magical theory class coming up the coming Friday there was something Twilight wanted to ask him. “While I've got you; What will your next lecture will be?” She liked being ahead of the curve with his lectures and would often volunteer to help when she understood the subject.
James shrugged. “I was going to be talking about memory spells.” James said as he stood in front of Twilight's desk. “Which actually has something to do with why I came to talk to you.” He uncomfortably finished.
“Oh, go right ahead.” She said with a smile, she wondered if this lecture would include something like a lab project. She loved it when his theory classes included practical demonstration to accentuate their point.
“Well, I'm going to be going through a procedure soon. I'm … making a backup of my memories. While I do do this every ten years it's a pretty troubling process for me and I'm usually a bit … unstable for a little while after.” James carefully explained.
“Oh.” Twilight said with a nod before shaking her head. “I have no idea what you mean.”
“Well, the digital backup is easy enough and done already, but I keep redundant backups and one involves a spell that literally pulls the memories from my head. Unfortunately doing this one memory at a time would take far too long so I modified a spell to do it all at once.” James said as he sat in the chair in front of Twilight's desk. “But rather than making a copy of my memory, it pulls the whole thing to have copies made later. And before I can get my memories back I have to let my mind rest for about a week. During this time I effectively have amnesia. Don't worry, I take precautions to keep myself safe during this time. I'll be in a locked room with a replicator for whatever I might want, a private holosuite, books, games, shows and movies. And of course the basic needs are taken care of.”
“But you won't know what's going on, that has to be terrifying.” Twilight said as she thought about James's plan. Once again he was trying to remove himself from his friends when he would need them.
“It is.” James admitted. “But I'm far more scared of permanently forgetting who I am. I'll survive. I always have.” James said.
“Are you alone this whole time?” Twilight asked as she grew more concerned.
“ … Yeah. Almost as bad as going through it yourself is watching someone you care about going through it. I've been on both sides of this. That's why I go to the lengths that I do to make sure there's nothing I might want while this happens. And no reason for anyone to have to take care of me.” James said as he realized he had told her too much. Why couldn't he just keep his mouth shut around these girls?
“Except a friend. Nopo … Nobody should have to go through that alone.” Twilight said as she realized that James still had absolutely no concern for his own well being.
“I promise it's fine … I'll be fine. I've done this a few times already. I just get a little twitchy for a while after.” James insisted, hoping to cut Twilight off before she suggested exactly what she was going to.
“Well maybe you wont be if you have friends with you.” Twilight suggested.
“Seriously, it's okay. I don't want to put anyone through this.” James said.
“Think about it like an experiment. We'll see how you do this time compared to the other times you've done this. How about that?” Twilight suggested. There had to be some way to get him to listen to reason.
James closed his eyes as he realized that there was no stopping her now. He'd said too much and now she was going to have to deal with him when he wouldn't even be able to remember who he is let alone who she is. He had to set some guidelines for her sake. “Alright, but you need to realize that I'll have no idea who you are, or who I am. I'll have no restraints on what I say or do, I just won't know any better. I cannot be allowed out of the room: If I get lost who knows what I'll get into.”
“There shouldn't be anything to worry about.” Twilight said with a smile. “I'll get everypony to help too, we can switch off each day.”
“This isn't going to be fun.” James said with a sigh. “I've done this before, it's emotionally exhausting, terrifying, and painful.”
“Being friends isn't just being there for the good times.” Twilight said as she smiled at James.
***
“This is pretty weird, even for James.” Applejack said as she heard Twilight's plan. “And you say he does this every ten years?”
“I can kind of understand. I mean I'd hate to forget about how awesome I am.” Rainbow Dash said as she hovered above her throne.
“You've kept an eye on him before, do you want to take the first day?” Twilight asked with a smile.
Rainbow Dash landed in her throne and remembered what she had done the last time she watched James. Would Lucca even trust her to watch him again? Should she even try watching over him again? “Well, you might not need me.”
“Of course we will, of us all you are unquestionably his best friend.” Starlight said. “You practically live with him at times.”
Rainbow Dash's face flushed as she tried to think her way out of it. “I’m not there that much.” She eventually said. “He's also really good friends with you Starlight. And he helps out Applejack all the time.”
“It's okay if you don't want to keep an eye on him this time.” Twilight conceded. “He tried to talk me out of this, clearly he feels like he'll be a burden. But he's going to be by himself with no memory for a week. I can't let him do that alone.”
“There might be a good reason he wants to be alone.” Applejack fully intended to take some time watching him too, she just felt that someone needed to play devil's advocate.
“He says that it's almost as hard to watch as it is to experience.” Twilight explained. “But I know we can do this. It's only a day each and he's just lost his memory. It's not like he'll be any different, he just wont remember us.”
***
“Maybe she's right.” Lucca said after hearing James's explanation of what was going to be happening. “I mean, worst case scenario you can give her an I told you so.”
James leaned against the wall as he considered the situation. “Yeah, but I really don't like being that vulnerable.” He argued.
“You're fine sleeping. That's more vulnerable than losing your memories.” Lucca said.
“It's just as much for them as it is for me.” James argued.
“Let them learn that.” Lucca said with a shrug.
“That's just cruel.” He almost whispered.
“James.” Lucca's tone was stern, almost chastising. “Believe it or not, they're your friends and they intend to help you. All you'll do by not letting them see you like this is push them away and make them wonder if you're their friend. Letting them see this will prove to them that you only wanted to save them the pain it causes. It'll be hard, but they need to learn this for themselves.”
James nodded as he listened to Lucca. He knew she was right but seeing someone lose their memory, watching them forget who you are, who they are … Seeing their fear when they don't understand what’s happening. It was horrifying, even scarring he'd argue. He never wanted to put anyone through that again.
“Besides, Twilight at least has seen worse.” Lucca said with a chuckle. She needed to bring the mood up a bit as she could clearly see how much thinking about this was bothering him.
James could barely keep himself from laughing as he remembered. “You'd think after that she'd learn to knock, or at least not barge into our bedroom.”
“An accidental audience isn't usually that embarrassed.” Lucca laughed.
***
Day one.
Twilight had chosen to take the first shift. It wouldn't interrupt her school schedule and it was her idea to begin with. James had assured her that they could use Equestrian time so they could watch him without having to rely on the enertron, and that they were welcome to spend as much time in New Guardia Castle as they wanted.
As far as scheduling was concerned, the last day was still open. If Rainbow Dash decided to not join them Twilight had offered to take it herself. Though she couldn’t quite understand her friend's reluctance to watch James. She had done so without even telling them last time. There was no way this would possibly be as boring as watching him sleep and hoping for some change.
It was also strange that James had insisted on being isolated during this time. Why would he not want his family and friends to help him if this time was so terrifying for him? In any case she was prepared to spend a day hanging out with her friend.
“Are you sure Twilight? Sounds like James would really rather be alone for this.” Spike urged.
“He's always alone for it and he's afraid of it. That's all the reason I need to make sure he doesn't have to be alone anymore.” Twilight said as she packed several books. “Don't have too much fun while I'm gone.”
Spike shook his head. “He doesn't even want his family to see him like this. There may just be a reason.”
“I'll be alright, it should be like making friends with him all over again.” Twilight said.
“Yeah, because that went well the first time.” Spike said sarcastically as he rolled his eyes.
Twilight stopped a moment as she remembered. “Well he's our friend, even when he doesn't remember us.” With everything together Twilight walked through her door to James's castle. He wasn't difficult to find as he was waiting for her in his den.
He was dressed very differently than normal, these clothes were easy to wear as compared to his regular outfit. He wore gray sweat pants and a zip up gray shirt. The zipper was undone giving Twilight a look at the black formfitting clothes underneath. It reminded her of what James wore when they had faced Tirek.
James and Tali sat together on the couch reading something as Twilight walked in. “Hello.” She hesitantly said, not knowing if James had already had his memories removed.
James and Tali looked up as she spoke, James giving her a half grin. “Hey.” He said before stretching. “I was just spending a bit of time with Tali before my amnesia.”
“Oh, I'll just leave you two alone then.” Twilight said awkwardly.
“That's alright.” Tali said as she stood up. “I've been keeping him too long already.” She pulled at James's arm gently. “Go on now. The sooner you forget me the sooner you can remember.”
James stood up and kissed Tali's mask before turning to Twilight. “Alright. May as well get this over with.” James groaned. He gave Twilight a pat on the back as he led her to the transport hub in the castle. “Quick rundown. This under-suit is a strength inhibitor developed on Jurai, since I won't remember anything I'll have no idea how strong I am. I don't want to break anything.”
“How strong will you be?” Twilight asked.
“About as strong as a normal human. … One who doesn't work out quite like I do.” James answered.
It took Twilight a moment to realize that she didn't know how strong James normally was or even how strong a normal human was. Knowing how strong he was now didn't give her any basis of comparison. “So … how strong are you usually?” Twilight asked, no reason not to after all.
James stopped and considered the question, and just about how he should answer. “Power levels are pretty meaningless, but I am classified as a planet crusher. Not that I've done that.” He then added with an intentionally wicked grin. “… recently.”
Twilight just shook her head at the joke. But she did agree, power levels seemed pretty meaningless, especially when she couldn't comprehend someone having the strength to crush a planet. Best to just let it drop, she could try to understand another time. “So, is there anything else I should know before this happens?”
“Other than this is going to be hard for all of us and I did try to warn you away from it … No, not really. I promise, I'll be alright if you decide not to do this.” James said as they vanished and appeared in a well furnished stateroom. Though he already knew that nothing he said would change things.
The room was large with an overstuffed reading chair like the one in his den that faced away from them and a wide comfortable couch with a coffee table between them. A counter sectioned off an area that worked as a kitchen of sorts, it's primary appliance was a replicator with a menu and simple instructions. There was a large soft bed in another corner arranged to look out the window as he slept, and what looked like a closet nearby. There were two doors that must have led to the holosuite and a bathroom. Not that Twilight was ready to check at the moment.
“We're not going to leave you alone … At times like this you need a friend.” Twilight insisted.
James nodded and looked to her. “But what about you? I'm not going to be the only one suffering because of this. There's nothing that really prepares you for seeing someone you care about lose themselves.”
Twilight looked to him. Could it really be that bad? Could he really be someone completely different without his memories? Twilight thought about it before saying anything. “It would be worse knowing I could have done something to help you and didn't.”
James stood beside Twilight as an instance of himself he rose from the overstuffed chair, dressed as he normally was. Twilight had no idea what was going on and just looked between the two.
“I'm ready whenever you are.” The new instance said to himself.
James nodded as he approached himself to sit in the recently vacated chair. “I'm as ready as I'm getting.” He quietly said.
The other James looked to Twilight for a moment before he collected what looked to be a walking stick with a large round head. He lifted it and whispered something before the head began to glow, once prepared James held it to his sitting instance's temple. Tendrils of silver light erupted from it and appeared to dive into James's head.
Just witnessing the spell made Twilight's stomach flip, but she refused to turn away. The other James took the walking stick in both hands and slowly began to pull it away as what appeared to be a silver unwinding rope came with it. James's comfortably dressed instance twitched violently as the procedure took place, only his head remained perfectly still, probably an effect of the spell used.
Twilight could hear him sputtering as if trying to say something as the spell ripped the memories from him. She wanted to rush forward and stop this, scream at him that he shouldn't be doing this. She wanted to demand to know how he could do this to himself. But she didn't know what interrupting the spell now could do. She may do more harm than good. There had to be a better way to accomplish what James was trying to do.
With a sickening series of snapping sounds like the breaking of hundreds of wet rubber bands it was over. What hung from the head of the walking stick looked to be thousands of silver threads waving slowly as they waited for the rest of the procedure. But the rest wasn't Twilight's concern, her concern was the man sitting in the chair staring blankly forward at the stars and nebulae beyond the large floor to ceiling windows.
James walked forward and knelt in front of Twilight. “He's not a total vegetable. He'll still remember how to talk, read, take care of himself … I think he'll remember his manners, but please don't get angry if he doesn't.”
“It'll be alright. And if I have to take care of you, I will.” Twilight said, still trembling from watching the procedure.
James nodded as he looked to the transport hub. “I have no idea when he'll wake up, or what he'll be like when he does. Day one has always been kind of a blur.”
“Aren't you from the future?” Twilight asked. As she understood it James always traveled to the past to cover himself as it was easier when he knew what was coming.
“Not this time.” James said as he stood up. “I'm going to be twitchy for a while after this so I'm going to be doing the delicate work with my memories now. I'll come from the future to restore my memories as it will be easier to talk to myself with the knowledge of what's happened.” James explained as he walked to the hub. “… Twilight …” James quietly said as he got to the hub. “… Thanks. And I'm sorry.” Without another word James vanished.
Twilight walked over to the couch, her horn glowing as she magically removed her saddlebag, placing it on the arm of the couch. She looked to James's semi-conscious form slumped back in his chair. The last thing he looked to be was peaceful, nothing like when Cozy Glow had poisoned him. After a while she pulled out one of the books she brought with her and began reading. It was a book she had gotten while on DS9, recommended to her by Admiral Piccard. Part of the “Dixon Hill” series she'd been told.
She had no idea how long it had been since she started reading when she heard the thump, the book had really captured her attention. Marking her spot, she put the book down and looked up to find James wandering aimlessly around the room. “Hello.” She calmly said, not wanting to surprise James too much.
James jumped back at her call, he didn't look to be as surprised as he was confused while he glanced around the room. “I'm sorry.” James quickly said looking to Twilight. “I … I don't know how I got here. I'll leave you alone now.” His voice shook slightly and his eyes were darting around the room, never fixing on any one thing for long.
“Oh, you don't have to leave.” Twilight said as she got up from the couch. “I'm Twilight Sparkle … your friend. I'm here to help you.” She slowly walked towards James as she spoke, keeping her voice calm.
James was noticeably hesitant to believe her. “I … don't think I know you.” He carefully said.
“You're in the middle of a procedure, you're memories will come back after you've healed.” Twilight explained as James sat on the bed.
“I'm hurt?” James asked as he looked himself over. “I don't look hurt, I'm not in pain.”
“It's not that easy …” Twilight started to say.
“If I'm not hurt what happened?” James said, his voice raising in both fear and anger. “Why don't I know who I am? Did you do something to me?!” He began to shout as he backed away from the alicorn.
Twilight was taken aback at James's accusation, backing up a step as he shouted at her. She thought that being his friend would go beyond just memories, but now he was afraid of her and accusing her of taking his memories. In her chest she felt the sting of it even as she tempered herself with the knowledge that he was only scared because he didn't remember anything. “I didn't do anything to you.” Her voice broke as she spoke, hoping that this wouldn't mar everything James was trying to do. She took another step forward, holding her hoof out for him.
James recoiled further, crawling to the other side of the bed and looking at her over the covers. “Please.” He said as he kept the bed between them. “Stay away from me.”
Twilight put her hoof down and closed her eyes before letting her head drop. “Alright.” She quietly said. “I'll leave you alone if that's what you want.”
James slowly nodded, keeping his eyes on Twilight as she went back to the couch, hoping that she could concentrate on reading her book. It wasn't easy, even with as engrossing as the book had been she found herself looking back to James periodically, and feeling worse each time. She had come to keep him company and help him while his memories were gone, but all she had done is scare him. She remembered Spike's comment about making friends with James and sighed. It had gone poorly the first time, and this time was possibly even worse.
She stared dejected at her book for nearly half an hour when she heard James speak again.
“Are … are you alright?” He cautiously asked as he approached her. “You're crying.”
Twilight couldn't help but smile, it seemed things were starting to turn around. Once again she drew a similarity to their first meeting as she looked to him. “I'm alright. I just didn't want to scare you.” She said wiping away her tears.
“Scare me?” James asked as he sat next to her. “You're just sitting here reading, why would I be scared of you?”
“Because you thought I took your memories.” Twilight said, confused about why he would ask when it had seemed pretty obvious to him earlier.
“Taken my memories? Why?” James asked. “Have we met before? Isn't this your home?” He asked.
It dawned on Twilight suddenly as she heard him. James couldn't even remember anything that was happening now. She'd have to introduce herself to him every time they talked. As difficult as this development seemed, for her it was preferable as she now got a second chance to make friends with him again.
She had to think about what she was going to say, he had reacted rather severely when he thought she had lied to him. “I'm your friend, Twilight Sparkle. Something happened and you've lost your memories, but you'll be back to normal in no time.” She said with a grin.
“What happened?” James asked as he once again began to check himself for injuries.
Twilight reacted quickly and spoke up. “Just a spell you used, it's nothing serious.”
“A … spell? Look, if I've lost my memories it has to be serious … What aren't you telling me?” James asked as he once again began to back off and his voice got suspicious.
***
It was at about the fifth time that Twilight realized that the truth only made James suspicious of her, and that he was starting to remember things for longer periods each time. She was running out of chances to get this right.
“I'm sorry, but you hit your head pretty hard.” She lied, hoping that this would work. “I'm not surprised you don't remember anything.”
James rubbed his head as he considered Twilight's statement. “But I feel fine.”
“You've been out for a while.” She said, laughing uncomfortably. “But it beats waking up with a headache.” She smiled as she finished, waiting to see if James would get suspicious or if he'd take her word for it.
James rubbed his head again before grinning. “Yeah, that'd suck.” James said with a laugh.
Twilight gave a relieved sigh as she finally found a way to explain things to James that didn't frighten him off.
She was about to say something else when she felt and heard her stomach growl. She blushed slightly as she realized she hadn't even eaten breakfast that day. “Why don't I get us something to eat.” She offered with a smile as she walked towards what passed as a kitchen.
The replicator in here wasn't like what she was used to in James's castle. It's interface was more simplistic and might just be limited to the items on the menu. Possibly so James could keep himself somewhat healthy while he was locked in here. “NG-com. Two salads please.” Twilight said as she found what looked best at the moment. She watched as two bowls of salad materialized along with two forks, two small bowls of croutons and two small bottles of vinaigrette. James had most likely programmed these to his tastes long ago simply to make things easier on himself while he was here.
Her horn glowed as she went about setting the coffee table as there was only one stool at the counter and no other table to speak of. Only returning briefly to the replicator to get two cups of tea, one hot one cold.
She tried to hold a conversation with James as they ate, but his attention was going all around the stateroom. “Thanks for dinner.” James calmly said as he finished his salad. “It was good.”
Twilight grinned as she looked to him. “That was only lunch, but you can lay down if you're tired.”
“Lunch?” James asked as he looked out the windows. “But it's night.”
Twilight was still amazed by what James didn't remember. “It's always night here. We're in outer space.”
James's eyes went wide as he got up and ran over to the windows, pressing his face against it and looking at as much as he could. “Really?” He asked as though he were an enthralled child, his face still held firmly to the window.
“It's alright.” Twilight said with a chuckle. “Once your memory comes back you'll know all of the fun stuff about this place.”
“Can we go see more?!” James asked excitedly, as he eagerly turned on Twilight.
Twilight looked away from James uncomfortably. “I'm sorry.” She quietly said. “Doctor's orders. You can't leave for at least a week.”
“A week?” James went from overjoyed to depressed quickly as he heard her statement. “But that's so long.” He complained as he trudged away from the window. “I want to do something, see something.”
Twilight realized that she was going to have to really keep an eye on him this whole time. On the first day he was already thinking about getting out. She felt guilty that she would have to keep him here, but she absolutely had to.
“I was just reading this story.” She said as an idea came to her. “Would you like to hear it?”
“Uhm … Sure.” James smiled as he sat on the couch, ready to hear a story.
Twilight only had to remind James twice more that day who she was and why he was here. His memory was definitely getting better as time went on. But there were other challenges she wasn't prepared for. James wouldn't tell her if he was hungry, and when she realized he was he seemed ashamed to admit that he was. Other times he would just get up and wander around, almost as if looking for an exit and more than once she found him just sitting in the dark holosuite not knowing where he was or why he was there and glancing around, frightened of something he couldn't quite place.
What she found easy was James's tendency to just quietly stare out at the stars. It was one of these periods of staring off into space that she heard James start to snore as he began to nod off. The day had gone faster than she thought as she checked the time according to Ponyville. With a thought, and more than a little effort, she magically lifted James from the couch and placed him carefully in the bed before covering him. She made sure the room was completely silent before she left so he could sleep through the whole night.
It had been depressing when James didn't recognize her, and wrenching when he was scared of her. Constantly reminding him of who she was and even a few times who he was was frustrating, and she felt guilty for feeling that way. He had a problem right now and she couldn't justify losing her patience at him for it. Then came the horror as she realized that this could happen to him without it being intentional, and that's why he made backups of his memories. So hopefully if this did happen he could minimize others exposure to him like this.
Even more terrifying was that conditions like this weren't uncommon among ponies, and that it was possible for this to happen to someone else she cared about. James's warning hadn't been about his amnesiac self being trouble, it was about what it would make her think and feel.
She could clearly see it was early day when she got to James's castle and it would be evening when she got to her's in just a minute. The castle was oddly quiet, there was some calm music playing in the distance and birdsong came in through the windows, but other than that she heard nothing as she walked back to Ponyville.
Much to her surprise Starlight was waiting for her as she entered her castle.
“How'd it go?” Starlight asked as she walked alongside Twilight.
“It wasn't easy.” Twilight admitted. “I had to introduce myself to him at least half a dozen times. He was terrified of me at first, thinking I was the one who had taken his memories. Eventually he calmed down and I read to him for a while.” She said as they walked. “It's not as bad as James made it out to be, but you have to be ready going in to it.”
“Any advice?” Starlight asked as they stopped by the library.
“Be patient. He doesn't know what's going on and he's scared.” Twilight said before turning back to the library. “I should probably work on this weeks lesson plans.”
***
Day two.
Starlight made her trip to New Guardia early, Twilight did tell her about the replicator in James's stateroom but she wanted brewed tea instead of created tea. And she thought that James might like some coffee from his favorite cafe in Truce.
The stateroom was still dark when she appeared and there was a constant low humming. It sounded familiar but she couldn't quite place it. From here she could see that the bed was empty and the sheets had been thrown off. Figuring that James was elsewhere in the stateroom she went to clean up a bit.
As she collected one of the sheets on the side of the bed she noticed something lumped up against the window by the foot. It didn't take much inspection for her to realize it was James curled up and staring outside. He appeared to be looking beyond the stars, his complexion was nearly as white as the sheet he held onto. He looked terrified and his eyes were bloodshot as if he'd been crying. Starlight dropped the coffee and tea as she ran over to check on her friend. “James what's wrong?” She asked as she got close. “And what's that noise?”
James didn't recoil as she had expected him to but instead looked at her. “It's the shower.” He said, his voice quaking as he spoke. “It helps keep away the faces when I close my eyes.”
“The faces?” Starlight quietly asked. She had her suspicions, and desperately hoped she was wrong.
James nodded before looking down. “I think I did something to them.” He said, not wanting to look at Starlight directly at the moment. “I think I hurt them.” He added after a moment before finally looking her in the eyes. “Did I hurt them? Am I a bad person?”
It was exactly what Starlight was afraid of. She didn't understand how this was happening when he didn't even remember who he was, but that wasn't important at the moment. Starlight hesitantly walked towards him. “No, you're not a bad person. Not anymore.”
“So I am a bad person.” He said as he let his gaze drop back to the floor.
“That was a long time ago. You've changed and now you're a good person; you've saved people and helped others find the strength to save themselves. I've done some pretty terrible things myself, but not anymore. We help each other be better than we were.” Starlight said as she sat next to James.
“Did I apologize?” James quietly asked, not looking up. “… Could I apologize?”
Starlight hesitated. If she told him what he had done or that there was no way to apologize he would probably get worse. “You've done everything you can. Just like me, you have to keep moving forward.”
James nodded before looking to Starlight again. “Are you another one of my friends?”
Starlight smiled. “Yes I am, my name's Starlight. You'll see some of your other friends while you get better.” Starlight waited a moment before she remembered she had brought something with her. She grimaced as she turned to see the pools that had been their drinks on the floor not far from the bed. “I guess I should clean those up.” She said as she stood. “Will you be alright?”
James nodded again.
Starlight looked around the stateroom for any cleaning supplies. There was no way James would leave this place without any, even if he was a rather cluttered person himself. She caught herself almost asking James where he had put them, forgetting that he didn't remember anything. Eventually she found several towels and a bucket she could use in the kitchen area and started cleaning.
As she was sopping up the mixture of coffee and tea she noticed James quietly cleaning beside her. He still looked very depressed, but up and about was an improvement over curled in the corner scared of closing his eyes.
“I'm sorry.” James quietly said as he helped her clean.
Starlight looked to James, not understanding why he had apologized. “I'm the one who dropped the drinks.”
“Yeah, but Twilight told me that this is where I'm living right now, and so far all I've done is rely on you two for everything.” He sadly answered.
“Well, we came here to help while you recover your memory.” Starlight said with a smile.
“I'm sorry.” James quietly said again.
Starlight had to get him feeling better somehow, if he kept feeling this way who knows what he may do. As she tried to think she heard his stomach growl loudly. “How about we take a break and get some breakfast?” She asked with a chuckle.
James blushed and nodded as Starlight wrung the last towel out into the bucket and draped it over the edge. It would be stained, but it wasn't a nice towel to begin with. She walked over to the replicator and looked at the available menu, smiling at one choice as she saw it. “NG-com. Two spinach and mushroom omelets.” She said happily before ordering replicas of the drinks she had brought with her. The tea tasted good, but it wasn't quite as good as what had come from Truce. Unfortunately James was going to have to wait before he got his favorite coffee.
They ate at the coffee table as had become the norm between the two days, Starlight really enjoying the meal. James clearly liked it too but he ate hesitantly, as if trying to not eat any faster than her.
“It's alright James. Dig in.” Starlight encouraged.
“Oh. I'm alright.” James quietly said as he looked down at the plate and half finished food.
Starlight watched as James slowly ate the rest of the omelet. She'd known James long enough to realize that one omelet wouldn't be anywhere near enough. “Would you like another one? Maybe some fruit?”
“No.” James answered. “I'm alright.” Even as he spoke his stomach growled again. He looked away blushing as he heard the noise.
Starlight chuckled. “Sounds like your stomach disagrees.”
“My stomach doesn't get a say. I've had enough.” He said, as much to his own body as to Starlight.
“James, if you're still hungry that's okay you can …” Starlight began to say before James interrupted.
“No it's not okay.” He angrily said. “I've had enough!”
While not exactly new, this was a troubling realization. “James, it's not good for you to eat so little. If you don't want as much as normal that's fine, but starving yourself won't do any good.” Starlight said as she took a step closer.
James winced as she spoke. She knew he had a history of starving himself, but he was apparently much more self conscious than she realized. Just how deep did his problems run if they still effected him when he didn't remember anything else?
Just then she realized why Lucca's and her game about making James blush revolved around compliments and open flirtation. It was to make him feel better about himself. She took a small measure of pride in realizing that something she started doing for fun played such a big role in making him happy.
But right now she had to come up with some way to get James to eat more and make him happy. As she thought she remembered what she had with her already. “Alright James, would you like to play a game? It's one of my favorites.”
James slowly nodded before grinning.
“Awesome. I'll get us some snacks to have while we play. I know you don't remember the game so I'll teach you.” Starlight said as she went to collect her saddle bag that she had left by the transport hub. Inside were a few basic things, books, and exactly what she was looking for: Dragon Pit.
“Do I like this game?” James asked as Starlight set it up.
“We've had fun playing it. It's one of my favorites.” Starlight said with a grin.
***
Rainbow Dash watched as Twilight walked around town. She should really fly around more. She thought before an idea crossed her mind. She flew overhead and landed quietly behind a stall only a couple meters ahead of her friend and crouched. She stifled a giggle as Twilight approached.
Just as Twilight was getting close Rainbow Dash jumped out spread her wings and gave a quick shout of “Boo!”
Twilight yelped and took to the air the moment she saw Rainbow Dash, only registering what happened when Rainbow Dash laughed as she looked to her. Twilight grinned and rolled her eyes as she hovered above the ground. “Alright Rainbow Dash, you got me.” She said.
“You know, while you're up there we should have a race.” Rainbow Dash said with a grin as she flapped her wings to join her friend.
“You know I'm not good enough to win.” Twilight calmly said as she flew higher, towards where several of the pegesi in Ponyville lived.
“Not if you stop trying. Come on, best out of three.” Rainbow Dash insisted.
Predictably Rainbow Dash won each race and the two of them settled on a cloud nearby after the third race. “See, you're getting better.” She said as she lounged on the cloud, ready to enjoy the warm sun.
“Only because you keep pushing me.” Twilight said with a smile. After relaxing a moment while staring up at the sky she looked to Rainbow Dash. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Sure, what's up?” Rainbow Dash casually asked.
“I was wondering if there's anything wrong between you and James.” Twilight said calmly.
Rainbow Dash kept staring up into the sky as she answered flatly. “Still not a couple.”
“I know.” Twilight said. “But I mean as friends. Is everything alright?”
“Of course.” Rainbow Dash casually answered.
Twilight wasn't exactly ready to believe that as she listened to her friend. “It's just that you've not been visiting him as much as you usually do, and the last time there was something wrong with James you left to take care of him without even telling us. This time … It's like you're doing everything you can to stay away from him.”
“It's nothing Twilight.” Rainbow Dash said dismissively.
“I know he can be abrasive and more than a little crass, if he did something to upset you you can …” Twilight started to say before Rainbow Dash interrupted her.
“He didn't do anything.” Rainbow Dash said firmly. “You're the one who insisted on being with him during this, when he would rather be alone.”
Twilight wasn't going to just take this, but she tempered her response because this was her friend she was talking to. “You didn't see him Rainbow Dash. He's scared. He needs a friend right now.”
“He's done this plenty of times without us.” Rainbow Dash countered.
“There's a lot of things he's done without us, some of them he regrets. Sometimes our friends need help, even when they ask us to leave them alone.” Twilight commented, expecting a response. With none forthcoming she got back up. “I guess I should be going now.” She said. “I'll see you later.”
“Thanks for the race.” Rainbow Dash said. “It was fun.”
Twilight nodded and flew off.
“I'm the one who screwed up.” Rainbow Dash quietly said to herself.
***
As much as Starlight enjoyed playing Dragon Pit she couldn't play all day. Fortunately her insistence on having snacks ensured that James was not starving himself as he idly munched on carrots celery and the occasional apple. He finished the almonds quickly but she couldn't keep getting more without arousing his suspicions. Every time he thought she was just feeding him he would stop completely and she could see his disgust at himself plainly. Was this how he always felt and he just hid it away like his pain?
Starlight walked back to the kitchen area and made a quick order for them to have a little lunch. She wasn't particularly hungry but she needed to make sure James ate, and other than snacks while playing games he wouldn't eat in front of her. She made sure to keep him talking as they ate, asking about what Twilight read to him if there was anything interesting he had found while here. Just trying to keep his mind working on something. That way he wouldn't think about how much he was eating.
“Actually there's a strange room over there by the closet. It's completely empty and I have no idea what it could be for.” James said with a little more than passing interest before he relapsed into depression. “Then again, I don't know anything going on right now.”
“That's alright. It just means finding out will be a surprise. Come on, let's go see what's there.” Starlight said enthusiastically.
The door slid open easily as they approached and Starlight immediately recognized the neutral state of the holosuite. This one was larger than the ones she was used to but finding it was certainly a good thing. “This is really fun James. This is one of your holosuites.” Starlight said with a smile. “NG-com: Game cabinet.”
James looked around the veritable library that appeared around them in awe while Starlight was more directed in her search. Clearly keeping him thinking was helping to not only keep focus off himself, but also helping his cognition. Judging by how he became more articulate as she kept working with him. Perhaps a puzzle would help keep the trend going. However what she found as the puzzle section was one program for generating a random puzzle with an archived picture.
What was more interesting were the aisles next to the puzzle program. Labeled “Puzzle Adventure;” and “Puzzle Escape;” Starlight remembered Twilight telling her about the escape room she and her friends had done as a friendship getaway. A logic puzzle certainly would keep his mind working.
It didn't take her long to find one that seemed interesting. It was part of a series too so they already had another one when they finished. Hopefully an escape room would entertain him and not inspire him.
***
It took them more than half an hour to solve the first escape room. It wouldn't have been so difficult if it weren't so cluttered with useless stuff and false clues, but that made it interesting. That and the unconventional solution James found by creating a device to break the trapdoor instead of unlocking it. “That was a good idea, James.” Starlight praised as they walked downstairs in the program to get to the next puzzle.
James laughed uncomfortably and looked away. “Actually I was just getting tired of looking for the key.” He admitted.
Starlight stopped a moment and laughed. “Well it certainly worked.”
“Starlight?” James asked as the door closed behind them with an evil laugh.
“Yes?” She asked as she looked up to her friend.
“What if I don't get better?” He hesitantly asked.
Starlight smiled and shook her head. “Don't worry James. You'll get better. It may not feel like it right now, but before long you'll remember everything.”
James stood silently for a minute as he thought about it. “So I'll remember all of those people I hurt?” He quietly asked.
Starlight looked away for a moment. “Yes, you'll remember them. But you'll also remember what's happened since then … it won't be so bad.”
James nodded and looked around the room. “Well … at least there's less clutter in this room.”
“And I already see a key in the fishbowl. This one might not take so long.” Starlight said as she walked around the living room.
***
Starlight made her way to Sweet Apple Acres after leaving James that night. She had to warn Applejack about James's flashbacks. She had left him in his room with some quiet music playing after finding the stereo and several preloaded play lists. He hadn't gone to sleep yet, instead he had decided to go exploring in Minecraft once Starlight showed him that program. It didn't have any of the worlds she had played before, perhaps this was intentionally separate from the others.
“Howdy Starlight.” Applejack said, meeting the unicorn close to the entrance. “How's James doin' today?”
Starlight took a breath as she thought about it. “He's doing better than he was this morning. Which is why I'm here. I don't know if James has told anypony else this but he sometimes has flashbacks …”
***
Day three.
Applejack didn't know exactly what she was supposed to do, but what she heard from Starlight the night prior gave her a few things to keep in mind. First was that there had to be some white noise or something going on or his mind would wander to unpleasant places. Second was that he was starving himself again, though nobody had any idea why. Finally was that he was much less patient than he normally was.
James was sleeping when Applejack appeared in the room, this was obvious enough from his snoring. She only knew there was music when James stopped snoring for several seconds. Starlight had told her that silence could apparently trigger a flashback for him, which explained why there was usually music playing or birdsong in his castle. It was quiet but never really silent there.
As to be expected James hadn't exactly kept the place clean so as he slept she went about tidying up the stateroom.
Her cleaning was interrupted less than an hour in. “Sorry.” She heard James say as she now realized she hadn't heard him snoring for the last couple minutes.
“That's alright. Y'all help out enough on the farm when harvest comes 'round, this is really the least I can do.” Applejack said as she walked over to James.
“So I help out on a farm?” James asked. “Am I a farmhand or do I just help out?”
“Y'all just help out.” Applejack said. “You say y'all don't want to get detached from the important work that keeps everyone goin'. It can be easy given you're a king an' all.”
James's eyes went wide and his mouth dropped open. “I'm a king?” He gasped.
“Yeah …” Applejack hesitantly said. “Twilight and Starlight didn't tell you?”
James just slowly shook his head as he continued to stare at her. “I'm really missing a lot, aren't I?” He asked.
“It ain't that bad, soon enough you'll be back to normal.” Applejack said reassuringly.
“Who was I?” James hesitantly asked.
“Hold on now. First thing's first, you've gotta get some breakfast then we can talk about the past.” Applejack said as she went over to the replicator. “Starlight could've told me this one was different from the ones in the castle. I don't see the button to use this thing.” She said as she looked around the device.
James looked to the device for a moment as Applejack inspected it for it's usual activation panel. “Twilight and Starlight just stood in front of it and said what they wanted.” James explained.
“Huh.” Applejack said as she looked to James. “Why ain't the others around your place like that? Usually you need some button and phrase before you order.” Applejack turned to the replicator before talking again. “Can I get some flapjacks, orange juice, and hash browns?” She asked. Not long after she spoke a plate of pancakes and hash browns and a glass of juice materialized. Applejack placed the plate on the counter before collecting the glass and placing it nearby.
Hesitantly James sat and began to eat, looking back to Applejack for a moment who had once again started cleaning, not that there was much left for her to do. She casually talked as she continued to clean.
“You know, it's kinda funny that this is when it's just the two of us spending time together. We don't do that often.” She said as James started to clear away his place, deciding he needed to stop eating now that her attention was back on him. “Hold on there buster.” She said as James stood up. “You're not starving yourself again. You sit right back down and finish what's on your plate.”
“That's alright.” James quietly said.
“No it ain't. You worry a lot of ponies … and people, when you start starving yourself. Your wives wouldn't be too happy learning you're doing this again.” Applejack scolded.
James was about to argue when one word she had said stuck out. “Wives? As in plural?” He asked as his face fell.
“Yeah, Lucca and Tali.” Applejack said. “Tenyo doesn't like it either, and I'm betting Liara isn't thrilled when you do it.”
“I'm married to four women?” James asked, still trying to grasp the notion.
“Uhm … yeah.” Applejack answered. She would have thought that even without his memory James would be the one least surprised by that. Clearly that idea was wrong.
“I really am a horrible person.” James said as he put his plate back down and slumped over on the stool.
“What do you mean?” Applejack asked. What brought this up?
“Come on. How am I not a horrible person if I'm married to four women?” James argued.
“It's not like that James.” Applejack was quick to point out. “They're with you because they want to be with you. Well, at least Tali and Lucca. Tenyo is your friend and your marriage to her is political. Liara … I haven't really talked to her.” Applejack was quick to explain.
“That doesn't make what I'm doing to them any better.” James said as he buried his face in his palms. “Did I do this, or did I just go along with it?” James asked, finally looking up.
“I, uh … I know you've been married to Lucca the longest.” Applejack answered honestly.
“Like that matters which,” James said as he ignored Applejack. “how conceited must I be to just go along with it? I'm horrible.” He once again buried his face in his hands as he finished talking.
Applejack didn't intend to make him upset, but here they were anyway. “Now James, I admit, when I first found out about this … well I wasn't thinkin' much better of you than y'all are right now. But y'all care about those girls, and make time for them. Y'all're a good person and I just know they'd call you a good husband and father to your girls.” Applejack said, trying to make James feel better.
“And I'm a father?” James said as he tried to wrap his head around it. “This is too much.” His head began to swim as he tried to think about all of this. Where even was his family? “It's all too much.”
“That's not all …” Applejack tried to say.
“How much more have I done? How much more am I expected to live up to?” James asked, as much to himself as to Applejack.
“Come on now.” Applejack calmly said. “Nobody expects y'all to do half the stuff you do. You're a heck of a fella and you always go out of your way to help others. Don't go knocking yourself without knowing what y'all can and have done. Now I'm sure once you've got your memories back you'll feel right as rain again.”
“What have I done?” James asked suddenly, turning on the pony.
“I only know so much, but I can say you've helped us save Equestria time and again, each time without hesitation. Y'all have a lot to feel good about yourself for.” Applejack said.
“Well, I don't. But thanks anyway.” James sarcastically said as he looked back to his food. “I guess I should finish this so they don't get angry with me.”
“We'll all be concerned if you don't eat, but we won't be angry.” Applejack hadn't expected James to be this hard on himself. How was he so different now? How did he get through this amnesia in the past when he had to deal with these emotions without anyone to help him?
***
Scootaloo was flanked by Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle as they happily ran around Ponyville after school, stopping as they saw Rainbow Dash flying overhead. “Rainbow Dash!” Scootaloo happily called, waving up to her claimed sister.
Rainbow Dash flew down towards them as she heard the call and smiled as she spoke. “Heyya girls. What's going on?”
“Nothing really.” Scootaloo said.
“Is James actually sick again?” Apple Bloom asked. “Applejack said she needed to keep an eye on him today.”
“Yeah, and Rarity's going to be as well in a couple days.” Sweetie Belle added.
Rainbow Dash balked for a moment. “He's not really sick. He's lost his memories for a while.” She calmly said.
“What?!” The CMCs asked in unison.
“You mean he doesn't remember any of us?” Scootaloo asked, worried.
“He doesn't even know who he is right now.” Rainbow Dash said.
“Then we have to go see him!” Apple Bloom said.
“Yeah, he needs to remember his friends at least.” Sweetie Belle added.
“Actually, he told us that he wanted to be alone for this.” Rainbow Dash said. “He does this every ten years apparently. Just in case he ever does forget, somewhere he has copies of his memories or something.” The explanation sounded insane, but so many things with James did.
“Why would he want to be alone though?” Sweetie Belle asked. “That sounds like it would be, well … lonely.”
“Exactly.” Scootaloo heartily agreed. “Rainbow Dash, as his (kind of) sisters we can't let him go through this by himself.”
Rainbow Dash smiled at the little filly. She wanted to help him too, she wanted to be there for him. But after what she did to him the last time he was under her care she couldn't help but wonder if she should.
“You do love him, don't you?” Apple Bloom asked.
Rainbow Dash's wings shot out and she stared terrified at the filly. “What?!” She almost shouted.
“Of course she does.” Scootaloo confidently said. “I mean, who doesn't love their family?”
Rainbow Dash relaxed a bit as she heard Scootaloo's rational, she even chuckled a bit at the innocence of Apple Bloom's question. But she couldn't help but start to think about it, asking herself just what she did feel for the strange man that had come into her life as a frustration and now she couldn't imagine having to let him go. Calling it confusing would be an understatement.
“Oh, I know!” Apple Bloom eagerly said. “Let's all go see him. I'm sure he'd appreciate the company, and we can see Applejack too.”
“Yeah.” Sweetie Belle said happily. “And maybe we can jog his memory while we're there.”
Rainbow Dash smiled slightly at the CMCs. “You three go on without me. I've still got some cloud busting to do.”
“But the sky's are clear.” Sweetie Belle said.
Rainbow Dash looked around for a moment before looking down at Sweetie Belle. “It was good to talk to you three, I'll see you later. Bye.” She said quickly before taking off.
“Huh. I wonder what that was about.” Apple Bloom said as she watched Rainbow Dash hurry off.
***
“Thanks for the stories, but there is no way that I'm that person you're talking about.” James scoffed as Applejack finished talking.
Applejack groaned as she rolled her eyes. “How many times do I haf'ta tell ya? I ain't lying!” She insisted for at least the fifth time.
“I know you say you're not lying, and you may well be telling me the truth, but that doesn't mean the person you're talking about is me. I'm in over my head just hearing about it, how am I supposed to cope with everything you insist I do? Huh? I can already prove that I'm nowhere near as strong as you say, in fact I have since I haven't won a single arm wrestling match against you.” James ranted as he paced. “And I can feel it.” He added as he jabbed his index finger into his chest hard enough to make an audible thump. “That I have done horrible things. I may not have the whole picture, but I know I am a terrible person.”
“You ain't a bad guy James!” Applejack shouted as her patience was pushed past it's limit. “I ain't no liar either. Once y'all get your memories back …”
“My memories? Why would I want my memories back?” James shouted at the frustrated pony. “If this is some kind of rehabilitation you can stop now! I already know I want to be better, I don't need these stories of this … hero that I'll never be! Even if you gave me his memories!”
There was a lull as the two stared angrily at each other, Applejack from frustration, James from some deep desire to be alone. To push everyone away and wallow in his misery by himself.
During this silence three small forms teleported into the stateroom. As they were about to announce themselves they saw the standoff and stood silently wondering just what was going on.
“We're just trying to help you until you get your memories back!” Applejack shouted.
“You want to help?!” James growled before shouting. “Then leave! Now! … I'm not whoever it is you seem to think I am! I'll never be him! Job's finished so go!” His hair and eyes flashed as he shouted, his anger reaching it's boiling point.
“What the hay's goin' on?” Apple Bloom breathlessly asked.
James and Applejack quickly turned to regard the visitors, James's face still twisted in anger. “Great, more trying to convince me I'm someone else!” He growled throwing up his arms. “Well I don't care what any of you say!” He shouted as he made a sweeping gesture to all of them. “I may not remember who I am, but I know what kind of person I am! Get out now before I forget I don't want to be the bad guy.”
The threat was clear and Applejack had no way of knowing if James was willing to go through with it as he was now. He just wasn't the man she knew anymore, and she was not going to risk anything happening to the CMCs. “Come along girls, we're not wanted here.” She coldly said as she walked to the teleportation pad.
Scootaloo couldn't understand what was going on. James was a good guy, he wouldn't yell like that at someone he cared about. “James!” She desperately called. “What's wrong?”
“Leave now!” He growled again, looking directly at Scootaloo and taking a threatening step forward as he balled his hands into fists and began to crouch like he intended to lunge towards her at any moment.
Scootaloo took a step back as she saw the anger in his eyes and couldn't bring herself to think he wouldn't. She was genuinely afraid for herself as she looked in his eyes and couldn't see anything of the man she once knew. She swallowed the lump in her throat, her heart breaking as she looked on what he was now and could only wish that this was all a bad dream. That Princess Luna would soon interrupt and save her from the nightmare.
No such intervention came.
“Hurry!” Applejack said, getting between the girls and James before instructing the teleporter to take them back to the castle. They soon found themselves standing in the teleporter station, looking at each other confused and hurt.
“What just happened?” Sweetie Belle asked as the shock of the situation began to wear off.
“I wish I knew sugar cube. I was just tellin' James about himself then he started acting all crazy.” Applejack said as she scratched under her hat.
“That wasn't James.” Scootaloo quietly said, determined to not let her voice break.
“What do you mean?” Apple Bloom asked. “Just 'cause he doesn't remember anything right now doesn't mean he's not him anymore.”
Scootaloo was done here, without answering she slowly walked off towards the door that lead back to Ponyville, her head hung low. She needed to stay ahead of them, she didn't want them to see just how badly her brother had hurt her.
***
It had been ten minutes since the group of ponies left as he considered the pad they arrived on. He'd shut off the music and now wanted to try getting out. No reason to not try the obvious first. He walked over to the pad and stood on it, repeating what he had heard Applejack say. There was a short pause before it beeped. Clearly it wasn't going to work for him. He was stuck here.
As he considered what else he could try he heard something behind him. He turned quickly, but there was nothing there. His head slowly throbbed as he walked towards the couch when he heard the noise again. It seemed obvious now, it was a whisper.
He waited until he heard another to try to find out where it was coming from before turning, but it was too quiet. Carefully he began to walk towards where he thought it had come from, hoping that he could at least hear what they were saying.
Something seemed to be in the corner of his eye now, and the whispering was once again behind him. He turned abruptly to catch what he had seen, but again nothing was there. Another whisper, louder as the silence pressed in on him. He had no idea what they were saying, it was just a whisper but no words. Something else moved at the edge of his sight and he jumped away from it. In the distance he heard a muted scream.
There was something beneath the bed. He slowly walked towards it and crouched at the edge, grabbing the sheet. As he pulled it up he saw nothing but the bed frame, but his mind told him there was someone hiding there and he had just found them. Fear gripped him as his mind screamed that he was going to hurt them, that he was going to kill them.
The silence pressed down on him, forcing him onto his backside where he began to slide away from the bed. He knew he was backing into more but he had to get away from them before he did anything. He just had to keep reminding himself that he was the only one there.
The whispers and screams of terror hounded him relentlessly and he tried to get away from them and himself. The quiet was unbearable as he continued to retreat from the horrible silence. His back hit something solid, the side of a building. No, it was the window of his suite. His back was against the window and he looked into his room.
He closed his eyes and he saw clearly now what his mind wanted him to see when they were open. The dead face beneath the bed, the forms running in every direction, the gore on the roads and buildings.
James pulled his knees as close to his chin as he could and held his eyes tightly closed. He wanted desperately for someone to be there, to help him get away from this. He wished he hadn't chased the others off. But this is what he had now.
And he deserved it.
***
Applejack walked into Sugar Cube Corner alone, having sent the CMCs to the clubhouse while she got cupcakes for them. She didn't understand how James could ever be like this. He had even turned on Scootaloo! Maybe it was for the best that he spend this time alone like he had insisted.
“Hi Applejack!” Pinkie Pie happily said, forgetting for the moment that Applejack had said that today she would be watching James.
“Hey Pinkie Pie.” Applejack said, her voice giving away her down mood. “The CMCs are pretty upset. Could I get some cupcakes to cheer them up?”
Pinkie Pie gasped as she heard the news. “Of course!” Pinkie Pie said before collecting a dozen boxes of cupcakes and piling them on Applejack who struggled to balance them. “What happened?”
Applejack ultimately couldn't balance all of the boxes before they crashed down around her. “James was angry and turned on them when they came by to say hi.”
Pinkie Pie's eyes went wide. “Even Scootaloo?” She asked astonished.
Applejack closed her eyes and nodded. “Yup.” In a flash Pinkie Pie was up and pushing Applejack out of the bakery and towards the clubhouse. This was an emergency, they needed to cheer these girls up.
***
“I guess Rainbow Dash was right to not want to see James right now.” Apple Bloom said as the shock of the encounter wore off.
“Even if she went there, he wasn't there.” Scootaloo huffed as she lay on the floor of the clubhouse with her chin resting on her forelegs. She faced the door, looking off into space as she thought about what had just happened.
“What?” Sweetie Belle asked. “Scootaloo, he was right there, we saw him.”
“No. Whoever that was, it wasn't James.” Scoolaloo said, still not looking towards her friends.
***
That evening Rainbow Dash reclined on a cloud as she thought about her feelings. What had started as an innocent question had thrown her into near panic and she needed to understand for herself where she was on the issue.
She and James were certainly friends, and close friends too, but when did they actually start being friends? For her, it was the winter she tried to ruin. He showed that he cared about her even if she was indifferent to him. She noticed that he stayed away from others even though he didn't want to be alone. And she decided she wasn't going to let him be alone. Someone who wanted to be nice that badly shouldn’t have to be satisfied watching others be happy.
Then there was training for the practical joke. Of course he had cut out some of the more interesting parts of the joke itself, but it was still a fun idea. She got to know him better during this time, they worked on their shared interests and developed in jokes.
Then they were trapped for a month with only a little food. He had refused to let her know just how little there was and sneaked food to her without her knowing. They had shared the same house and bedroom for a month. Had shared stories to keep each other entertained. Had comforted each other when the reality of their situation was too much to bare alone. At the end he had stopped eating all together just to buy her a few more days.
He genuinely appreciated everything she did and never seemed to judge her. He went out of his way to make her and all of the girls in his life happy. She felt like family when she was with him. He was no less welcoming to Scootaloo, treating her like another one of his daughters. Scootaloo happily called him her brother.
Her parents, of course, assumed that they were dating, and James made her an offer that would take the heat off any other guy she was friends with. Her parents thought of him like a son now. But that also meant her parents were now under the impression that they were all but married. But she could live with that for now. He kept Zephyr off her by claiming to be her boyfriend … she was grateful for that.
He had traveled across their world with them, using everything he had to make her and her friends as comfortable as possible. Helping them without hesitation, even saving their lives as they drowned.
He would make time for her, had made room in his home for her. She was always welcome. He had brought her into his other groups of friends, invited her to events. There were still parts of his life she didn't know about, parts he wouldn't talk about. But mostly those were the parts that hurt, parts he didn't want to think about.
Then he had disappeared. He had hurt her when he told them that he was going away and that he might never come back, and she was determined to drag him back if she needed to. He belonged there, with them. (with her?) She had done everything she could to bring him back and it worked.
Then she abandoned him. It hurt even more to think about what she had done there. He had been poisoned, she didn't know if he'd be alright and she left him behind. Trapped in a prison for the worst creatures in Equestria. Then she betrayed everything their friendship had been built on when she kissed him. But even now she didn't regret the kiss, even though she was genuinely sorry about hurting Lucca.
But there was a question she still needed to answer for herself. Why did she kiss him?
She cared about him, she wanted him to stay in her life. Did she love him?
Making things even harder was a simple statement Luwaxana Troi had made as they left the simulation of that colony. One sentence that threw her into near Twilight levels of panic. “Sometimes the most wonderful things in life are also the most confusing.”
Scootaloo's words came back to her mind as she watched the moon rise in the distance. “ … who doesn't love their family?” Is that what he was? Why was this question so hard? He felt like family, he treated her like family, he was practically a son to her parents … He was a son to her parents.
Her mind went back to the kiss. What was she thinking?
She wanted to help him. She would do anything to bring him back.
Why did she want him back so badly?
Because she cared. She cared about him more than she thought she could. Would she do that for her other friends?
She imagined Scootaloo poisoned like James was. She wouldn’t hesitate to do anything to save her, she loved her. That was easy to answer, but with it came the answer she was afraid of … that she loved him too.
She felt lighter and her chest warm as she came to the realization. She was as confused as before, but now she finally had an answer to that question. There would be more and harder questions she would have to ask herself later, but it didn't matter now. She loved Scootaloo, she loved all of her friends, she loved her parents, and she loved him. No matter how she might have felt before, or how she might feel later. Why had this been so hard for her to understand? Was it because he wasn't actually family? Was it the jokes that had come from the prank that had brought them so close? Was it that very closeness? Those weren't the questions that actually mattered.
But with the realization came a sinking feeling. She had once again abandoned him, even though it was at his insistence. He couldn't remember anything right now and she was just letting her friends take care of him because she was uncomfortable about being alone with him. As soon as she could in the morning she was going to talk to Twilight and take the last day. She could deal with being late, as long as she got to be there for him.
***
Day four.
James didn't know how long he had sat curled up against the window while the faces haunted him and the screams and whispers denied him rest as the all too familiar sound of hooves hitting the floor brought his attention back to the present. He was glad to hear it, but he knew he had to make her leave again. It was for the best.
He slowly opened his eyes and looked to find not the blonde orange pony that had been with him before but a very pink pony walking up to him smiling. “Please go away.” He said halfhearted, dropping his face back to his knees.
“Alrighty.” Pinkie Pie said as she got close. “But you've got to do something for me first.” She added cheerfully.
James sighed as he lifted his head back up, he didn't have it in him to try to scare her off or even argue at the moment. “What?” He said, deciding at least he wasn't going to be polite.
Pinkie Pie gave him a wide smile and laughed. “You've gotta smile.” She cheerfully said.
James groaned and shook his head for a moment before forcing a smile for a second. “Alright, you can leave now.”
Pinkie Pie shook her head as she looked at him. “Nuh-uh. I know smiles, and that's not a smile.”
James was too tired to get more than irritated at her as he listened to the nonsense. “You asked for a smile, and I smiled. Now please leave.” He grunted.
“Nope.” Pinkie Pie happily said. “You shaped you mouth like a smile, but that wasn't a smile. Smiles don't come from your face, they come from inside when you're feeling happy.”
James dropped his face back to his knees as she explained her position. “Then you're never getting what you want.” He mumbled.
“Not even for a cupcake?” She asked temptingly as she approached him with a fresh cupcake.
“I'm not hungry.” James said, not even looking up at her. And despite not eating since Applejack had left, he really wasn't hungry. He couldn't think beyond his own torments at the moment.
Pinkie Pie shrugged and ate the cupcake before sitting next to James. “Is there something you want to do?” She asked with a smile.
“Be alone.” James curtly answered.
“Nope.” Pinkie Pie happily said with a smile. “I mean something fun! There's no way you could be having fun alone in this place.”
“Don't want to have fun, just want to be left alone.” James replied. He wasn't getting angry or even frustrated, he just didn't care.
“You're just saying that because you're not having fun.” Pinkie Pie insisted as she stretched James's mouth into a smile. “Ooh! I know! Let's play hide and seek! I'll hide and you come find me.” She didn't even wait for James to answer before she ran off to hide somewhere in the stateroom.
Had James been looking he would have easily been able to follow her giggling to underneath the bed, and there just weren't many places to hide in the room. As it was James just put his face back down and went back to wallow in his misery.
However, try as he might, he couldn't get back to that point. Pinkie Pie had dragged him out of his mind and he wasn't going back anytime soon. With a sigh he stood up and walked towards the bed before getting on his hands and knees and lifting the blanket concealing the underside of the bed.
“Got …” James's voice trailed off as beneath the bed was completely empty, despite hearing her even as he lifted the blanket. He let the blanket drop and once again climbed to his feet only for Pinkie Pie to jump at him from atop the bed.
“You found me!” She excitedly shouted, startling him into staggering and then falling over backwards. She smiled down at him as he got his bearings. “That was fun! Want to play a different game?”
***
Rainbow Dash hurried to get to the morning meeting, having overslept that night. She blew through the halls towards Twilight's office without looking back. This was a common enough occurrence that the students were prepared and weren't carrying anything that could be blown over by her passing.
“Sorry I'm late.” Rainbow Dash said as she landed near the other ponies. Pinkie Pie was missing, but that was expected as it was her turn to watch James.
“That's alright Rainbow Dash.” Twilight cheerfully said. “We were just about to start the meeting. Today's schedule is going to be a little light, Pinkie Pie's students will be split between us today. This will give them a good chance to work together with other classes and make more friends.”
“I've got a few students lined up to be assistants if anypony would like their help.” Starlight said with a grin before noticing the uncomfortable looks she was getting. “Don't worry, none of these students are like Cozy Glow. I've interviewed them all, and if we need more there's a nice Betazoid man, Jacob, living in Truce who's at least willing to let us know if they're plotting anything.”
Starlight looked around for a moment as the silence persisted. “That was a joke. Though he did offer to help select student helpers if you’re interested.”
The room was uncomfortably silent for a little longer before Twilight finally spoke up. “Alright. If that's all of the school business … Applejack, how's James doing? I know Pinkie Pie is with him now, but how was he last night?”
Applejack shifted uncomfortably. “I … didn't stay around yesterday.” She admitted. “He was gettin' angrier as we talked and started shoutin' at me to leave. He was thinkin' we were trying to do somethin' to him. It only got worse when the CMCs showed up. He turned on them too, even threatened us if we didn't leave him alone.” She explained. “I couldn't leave the girls alone after that. He shook 'em up pretty badly. Scootaloo wasn't showin' it, but I think she was hurt the worst by it.”
Twilight was shocked but not too surprised, she had dealt with a similar, though less frightening, situation when she was watching James. “What happened?” She calmly asked.
“I was just tellin' him about himself when he got angry accused me of lying to him and demanding I leave. I figured he's done this well enough on his own before, one day shouldn't be a problem.”
“Yes.” Rarity calmly said. “Sweetie Belle told me about it. Apparently they were yelling when she arrived. The poor dear was so very confused, and I must admit that I am too.”
Twilight nodded as she spoke. “Unfortunately James never responded well to the truth when I tried telling it to him.”
Starlight wanted to assure them that James wouldn't hurt them, but it wasn't really the James they knew in that room and there was no predicting how he would react to anything. If he felt he had to it was entirely possible that he would become violent.
“Well I wasn't gonna lie to him.” Applejack argued.
“I know, I just wish there were some better way to deal with him.” Twilight said.
They sat quietly thinking for a while, even Rainbow Dash was lost on how to help, when Starlight got an idea. “You know, maybe we've been looking at this the wrong way.” She offered.
“How should we look at it? James doesn't know anything about who he is and gets angry when we tell him.” Twilight asked.
“Exactly, this is still James but he's lost everything he's learned over the years, he's not the same James.” Starlight explained. “We can't treat him like the same guy we know. Let's find out what he likes, how he thinks and behaves, and maybe even introduce him to some new things.”
“Good idea Starlight.” Twilight praised.
“Oh, I know exactly what to do tomorrow then.” Rarity happily said. “He always says he doesn't have an eye for fashion, but he still appreciates fine clothes. I'm sure it will only take a little nudge to get him to understand.”
“And I know he'll love to see the animals.” Fluttershy said.
Rainbow Dash knew she had to speak up now before they started making plans for Friday without her. “I should come up with something awesome for Friday then.” She said.
“I'm sure you will.” Twilight said as she smiled at her friend.
***
“Okay, so now that the oven is ready we put the pans in.” Pinkie Pie said as she placed her cake pan on the center rack of the oven, James placing his next to hers before she closed the door. “Now what should we do while we wait?”
“First, I have to know: Is this really about making me feel better or is this just more about yesterday?” James asked as he had a moment where he could really talk.
Pinkie Pie giggled. “Both. Applejack said you were really upset yesterday, and you looked really sad this morning. I just want you to be happy.”
James nodded. “Is there anything true about what she told me?”
Pinkie Pie put her hoof up to her chin. “Well, since it's Applejack all of it was. She doesn't lie. Don't worry you'll remember everything in a few days. I know it's no fun to be the only one who doesn't know, but if you think about it like a big surprise it'll be super fun!” She happily said.
“Fun?! This is horrible! I have no idea who I am and I'm getting conflicting stories. I'm told that there's all these people who care about me, but I can't remember any of them! I keep having nightmares with faces and voices of people that I know I've hurt. And you tell me it will all get better when I remember everything but what if I remember how terrible I am? What if things only get worse?!” James began to hyperventilate as he ranted, not caring that he wasn't alone.
“Or that when it happens your personality will totally change making you effectively vanish forever, or that maybe you won't change and you'll seem totally different alienating everypony you know and love. Or even that it wont work and you'll never remember anything about your past and have to relearn everything you once knew.” Pinkie Pie inhaled deeply as she finished happily expanding on James's fears.
James stood silent for a moment as his face went pale when he began to realize all of the things that could be worse that hadn't even crossed his mind until now. “Exactly.” He breathlessly said. “What if your friend is gone forever and I'm all that's left?”
Pinkie Pie blew a quick raspberry dismissively before giggling. “Please, you've done this lots of times. You'll be fine.” She said with a giggle.
“But what if this is the time it doesn't work, and I'm never who I was again?” James asked, his panic rising.
Pinkie Pie shrugged. “We'll still be your friends.” She said simply as she pet his head. “Now don't let those silly thoughts get you down, let's go find a fun game to play while our cakes bake.”
As Pinkie Pie bounced towards the holosuite James had to stop her. “Why are you my friend?” He asked, desperate for an answer about who he was that he could hold onto when he was haunted again.
Pinkie Pie giggled again as she turned and shrugged at him. “Because you try to be super nice, even when you aren't.”
Her answer didn't help at all.
***
Day five.
Rarity didn't have to explain to Sweetie Belle why she still went to take care of James even though he had gone so far as to threaten even the CMCs. She would do the same if she weren't afraid. You don't abandon your friends when they need help. Rarity hugged her sister and collected her supplies before going to James's stateroom.
James was clearing the coffee table as Rarity appeared in the room. “Hello-o.” She sang.
James stopped and looked her way as she approached. “Oh, hello. So you're watching me today.” He said as he finished collecting the debris and placing it in the replicator to be recycled.
“No, we're having a day of fun today.” Rarity happily said.
James shook his head. “I think that's been everyone's goal. I've done almost nothing but play games.”
“Oh, well I wasn't thinking games.” Rarity calmly said. “I wanted to show you the wonders of fashion, and that's just the beginning.”
James stared at her for a moment, this was certainly a different approach. “Uhh … okay.” He eventually said. He had no idea what she meant, but if it was important to her he could at least indulge her. He'd been horrible enough to his friends.
Rarity smiled as she approached him. “Here, these are some of the designs I've been working on. I'm sure you'll just love them.”
***
“So how'd things go?” Applejack asked Pinkie Pie as the meeting ended and they left the room.
“Uh, you were there silly.” Pinkie Pie said dismissively. “It's going to be super fun to have the other students today.”
Applejack shook her head for a moment. “No, I meant how'd things go with James yesterday?”
“Oh-h-h. You should have said that. Well, we played a game of hide and seek, made cakes, then played even more games. We had a great time!” Pinkie Pie said as she bounced along.
“Really?” Applejack asked, astonished. “He wasn't upset or anything?”
“I dunno. I couldn't really get him to smile, but that's really hard to do sometimes. Especially when he’s been sad.” Pinkie Pie answered.
“I guess it's better than being angry.” Applejack commented glumly.
***
“I just don't understand.” James said as he looked at Rarities drawings. “I mean they're nice and they look good, but I don't know why.”
“Really? You don't even know what about it you like?” Rarity asked.
James shook his head.
Rarity didn't understand why he was unable to articulate why or what he liked about it. Perhaps there was another way he could express himself. “Well darling, if you can't say what you like about it, maybe you could show me.” She offered as she gave James some paper and a pencil. “Here, try these.”
Accepting the offered supplies James sat at the coffee table and stared at the blank paper trying to visualize what it was he liked about Rarity's picture. Tentatively he put the pencil to the paper and drew a line before he turned the pencil around and erased it. His mind twisted as he stared at the paper and focused on what it was he liked, what made it look good. Once again he drew a line before erasing it again.
He closed his eyes and tried again to draw but he continued to erase every mark he made. This was going nowhere fast. He made the determination that the next start he would keep, no matter how he felt about it.
“Take as much time as you need.” Rarity calmly said. “It will never turn out if you try to rush.”
Once again James put the pencil to the paper and began to draw, concentrating on what he had seen and trying to draw the elements that he liked about it. Gradually a shape seemed to come out of his scribbling, but each line felt worse to him and each correction made it seem more wrong. Eventually he put the pencil down and balled up the paper, disgusted with himself for even attempting.
“Don't worry.” Rarity said with a smile. “I've brought plenty of paper if you want to start again.”
James just shook his head. “No, I'm not any good at this … or anything.” He said as he looked down at the table.
Rarity was about to speak when he cut her off.
“Why are any of you friends with me?” James asked, not looking up. “It's not like I'm strong, good at anything, or even a good person. There's no reason at all for any of you to be friends with me.”
Rarity was shocked at James's statement. Not only was it wrong, but he was insisting that he was a terrible person. “That's just not true darling. Any of it.”
“Yes it is!” James said firmly. “Everything I try just gets screwed up, I'm haunted by the proof that I'm not a good person. I can't do anything, not for myself or for any of you. You shouldn't be friends with me!”
Rarity hesitantly walked over to James and placed her hoof on his back. “We aren't friends for what we can do for each other, we're friends because we care about each other. And I do care about you.”
“You shouldn't.” James quietly said.
Rarity gave James a sympathetic smile as she looked at the back of his head. “Darling, you really need to start thinking better of yourself.”
James shook his head again as he looked to the crumpled paper, there was no point insisting that they stay away from him as it clearly wasn't going to happen. He just hoped that they were right, that things would be better once he remembered who he was.“I don't know what I like about your design. And I don't know how to draw what I don't know … or at all.”
Rarity sat next to James and smiled as she looked to him. “That's alright dear. I just wanted to share something I loved with you. I'd still like to show you more, even if you don't understand. Then I have a special surprise waiting for you.”
James nodded. “Alright. Sorry I can't be of any help though.”
“Quite alright.” Rarity said as she looked through her sketches.
After more than an hour of what could be called a class on fashion that James quietly sat through and didn't absorb any of, Rarity brought out a change of clothes for James. “Here you are.” She said with a smile as she handed over the dark green pants and jacket with a light red button down shirt. “That should look quite charming on you.”
“Thanks.” James quietly said, accepting the offered clothes. He was still confused about how any of it was supposed to be fashionable but he decided to take her word for it.
“Go on. You'll need to be well dressed for what's coming.” Rarity insisted.
James cocked his eyebrow at her at the statement. “Why, what's coming?”
Rarity chuckled briefly. “That's the surprise. Now go get ready while I set up the rest.”
Once James was out of sight Rarity approached the holosuite. “Well, maybe it's better to just reintroduce him to things I already know he likes.” She said as she opened the door. “NG-com. Please create an opera theater.”
***
Day six.
Fluttershy had to be careful about what animals she brought with her. Hairy-legs, while very friendly and talented, was not an option as James was terrified of all spiders and from what she was hearing the last few days he was under a lot of stress. Soft animals were the way to go, warm and affectionate.
She brought with her a couple squirrels, a ferret, Barry the bear, and Angel bunny. She had to have Barry hold them all in order to even use the transport hub. An aria quietly played as she looked around the stateroom. James sat on the foot of his bed quite literally staring out into space, he hadn't even noticed Fluttershy's entrance.
Barry gently placed his living cargo on the ground and walked over to the unobservant man, ready for some friendly roughhousing.
James was lost in thought as he stared into the starry sky. Wondering just what all he was missing and what might happen to him when he does remember who he is. Then he heard the growling.
James jumped at the noise and his face fell as he found that a large bear was growling at him. He tried to back away but tripped over the blankets haphazardly thrown from the bed.
He wasn't afraid of the bear, but knew right away that an animal this size with such large teeth had to be dangerous. He watched as the bear got closer and crouched. James had no idea what was going on and tried to slowly back away from the creature.
In just a few quick steps Barry closed the distance and wrapped James in a hug, shaking him gently as he did so. This was usually how the two would start playing, but James didn't seem to be going in for some playful wrestling. After another couple gentle shakes Barry gave up and put James down before climbing on the bed and laying down himself.
James stared at the bear blankly for a moment, not really understanding what was going on. Hesitantly he began to pet the bear's head and Barry smiled.
Fluttershy giggled as she watched the display of affection from Barry. James and his family were the only ones that Barry could really roughhouse with so he would take any opportunity to play with them that he could get. “Hello.” She gently said as she approached James, who was still trying to figure out what had just happened.
“Oh, hi.” James said as he looked to the pony. “I guess you've come to keep me company today?”
Fluttershy smiled. “I came to visit my friend. Why don't we have some tea?”
“Sure.” James said as he walked away from the occupied bed. “I guess he's with you?” James asked as he gestured to the resting bear.
“Yes, Barry always likes it when you visit. You and him will usually wrestle for fun.” Fluttershy explained as she began to set up a tea set on James's coffee table. She had brought one of James's favorite hot teas and several home made snacks. She almost wished Discord were there, but James had had a stressful week and Discord would probably have made things worse. And Asgore would probably be going to be going to sleep soon.
***
Rainbow Dash carefully opened the door leading to James's castle. She had barely come by on her own since her confrontation with Lucca. Since the kiss she had always come with Scootaloo or when someone asked her to come by. She wasn't afraid of Lucca, but she didn't like knowing she had upset her friend's wife.
She paused and hovered in the hallway, most likely she was about to upset her again. She wouldn't be able to blame Lucca if she didn't trust her to watch over James. She barely trusted herself to do that at the moment.
She mumbled to herself as she checked Lucca's workshop. Nobody. She hated thinking about problems a lot, that only ever seemed to make them worse. Normally she could just let them go but something about this one just stayed with her and made her miserable.
She eventually found Lucca in James's study doing some paperwork. “Hey Lucca.” She said as she flew into the room.
“Hello Rainbow Dash.” Lucca said, not looking look up from the paperwork as she spoke. “Is there something I can do for you?”
Rainbow Dash walked in and sat on the couch across from James's desk. “No.” She calmly said. “I just wanted to tell you that you were right, James's and my relationship is more than friends. I said he was family and that's kind of true.” Rainbow Dash explained.
“Your relationship's a little weird to call brother and sister.” Lucca said before mumbling under her breath “Outside Jurai that is.” She signed the papers twice as she looked through the next page.
“Well, my parents really do think of him as a son now. But the truth is I don't know just what we are. … Or what he is to me.” Rainbow Dash admitted. “But we're family too. That's not going to change, and being family means accepting everything that comes with it; weirdness and all. I screwed up and hurt you, I'm sorry. Do you think we could at least be friends again?”
Lucca put down her pen as she looked up at the pegasus and grinned. “You know, James doesn't have much family anymore. And when he did he avoided most of them. My family was basically my parents and myself. They died when I had to leave my universe, if I hadn't I would have too, James saved me. … Most of my kids will never know that I got out of that burning building.” Lucca smiled at the bittersweet memories of her life knowing that she had had to leave it behind. “You remind me of one of them actually, Kid. I only got to see her once again after she had grown up, and we were too busy saving a few worlds to really catch up.”
Rainbow Dash was astonished as she heard the confession. “You have other kids?”
Lucca slowly nodded. “Yeah, I raised orphans for a few years while I was in my own time and world. They called me Big Sis. I had just punished Micheal that night … I wonder how he remembers me.”
Rainbow Dash understood then why her counterpart had called Lucca “Big Sis,” and why she had been an egghead. With Lucca seeing her lost child in her she would have helped influence her to be more like Kid. “So-o-o.” Rainbow Dash said eventually. “Friends?”
Lucca quietly thought for a minute, slowly working her way back to the present. She remembered several things James had told her over the years. She thought of his wedding vows that even now she felt with the same weight she had when she first heard them. Carefully, she weighed her response before answering. “Look, don’t …” Lucca sighed as she considered this part while cleaning her glasses. “don’t limit yourself. But for now … well, no family gets along all the time.”
***
Day seven.
Rainbow Dash was already in the castle that evening, she hadn't left after her talk with Lucca and spent the remainder of her time with Sara, Amber, and Tali. She was nervous about meeting James like this, from what she had heard he was stressed out and suspicious of everyone. Would he even be okay seeing her as he was?
As she appeared in the stateroom she could see that James was already awake and sitting at the coffee table having something for breakfast.
“Smells good.” She casually said as she approached. “Mind if I have some?”
“Uh, sure.” James cautiously said as he looked to Rainbow Dash.
“Thanks, I actually skipped breakfast on my way here.” She said as she leaned over and took a bite from his hash browns.
“So what do you have planned for today?” James asked. He didn't sound upset, but he definitely wasn't happy. He sounded more resigned than anything.
Rainbow Dash looked at him a moment before swallowing. “Nothing.” She casually said. “Everypony's been trying so hard to keep you busy I though it would be a good day to chillax and take your mind off of things.”
“Chillax?” James asked, his confusion evident on his face.
“Yep. Don't worry I know the perfect place, it may be an illusion but it sure doesn't feel that way.” Rainbow Dash said as she walked to the Holosuite.
***
Moondancer approached Twilight's castle as she had every other Friday since James started his magical theory lectures. She was usually early as she liked to visit and she greatly appreciated Twilight being her friend again. Of course there was also the unique situation of having all four princesses attending his classes driving her to be at her best.
Much to her surprise as she walked in Twilight didn't appear ready. “I guess I'm earlier than usual.” She said as she approached her friend.
“Hi Moondancer.” Twilight happily said. “No, I just don't know if James is doing his lecture today. He's been a bit out of sorts this last week.”
“Oh, what's wrong.” She didn't know James well enough to call him a friend but she still cared if he wasn't doing well.
“He's been dealing with amnesia all week. It's part of a procedure he goes through every ten years. … It's strange and he said that he was going to incorporate it into his next lecture but I don't know if he's even going to be able to do a lecture tonight.” Twilight explained as she walked over to Moondancer.
“Oh, well maybe we should check on him and see how he's doing.” Moondancer suggested, trying to understand just what James was doing.
“Rainbow Dash is with him right now, but I guess it wouldn't hurt to say hello. I hear he's been calmer these last couple days.” Twilight reasoned as they walked for James’s door. In reality she had thought about visiting him since Applejack looked after him as that was probably his worst day. But the updates from everybody else seemed to be getting better so she had left it at that.
***
The two were met with a surprise as they found James in his emerald green robes reading through his lecture in the foyer as usual. Even still he looked a little disheveled, with dark bags under his eyes as though he had barely been sleeping for the last week.
“James!” Twilight happily gasped. “You've got your memories back!”
James looked to the approaching alicorn and smiled as he shook his head. “Nope, in fact once this class is done I'm going to be going back in time to spend the day with Tali before the procedure begins.”
“Wait, if you've been around this whole time why haven't we seen you?” Twilight asked.
“Because I've been busy all week processing, copying, and sorting my memories. Also picking a couple out for demonstration in class.” James said as he held several vials up, each containing what appeared to be a coiled silver thread.
“Oh, well I guess I should let Starlight know … We'll be back with everypony else at about the normal time then.” Twilight said as she turned around, James nodding as she walked away.
“So what’s going on?” Moondancer asked as she walked back to the door with Twilight.
“Well, the lecture is still on. And I guess he’ll be going to the past afterwords.” Twilight whispered back.
“He can use time travel magic?” Moon Dancer asked, astonished.
“It’s a little more complicated then that.” Twilight said as they walked back through the portal. She took some time to give Moondancer a few long winded explanations.
***
Before long everybody had made their way to the Sorcerer's guild and their usual lecture room. Twilight's promise of having more students in his magical theory class hadn't panned out, but James was happy to have students that genuinely appreciated the classes. Though there were a couple that were there more for the company than the class. He could tell that Cadence wasn't interested and Celestia only cared about the lessons themselves sporadically but they both enjoyed being with everyone. Not that he minded when he actually took the time to think about it.
“Well, as Twilight and Starlight are already aware. Today's lecture is on memory spells, variations adaptations and applications. And of course the principals behind them.” James said as he prepared the tools he intended to use for the class. “It's a point I find both comforting and terrifying.” James swallowed as he spoke and his voice wavered a bit. “I am terrified of losing my memories and have invested a lot of time into understanding the ins and outs of all related spells and their effects. The one that Twilight witnessed was a variation on a spell to collect memories. This may be a little disturbing.”
James created an illusion that allowed everyone to see what had happened the first day of his memory cycle. Many in the room looked horrified at the sight and turned stared of concern and shock at him, unable to comprehend how someone could do this to themselves.
Only barely noting their concern he continued. “Normally this is used to extract a single memory at a time and copies it as it extracts so the one who it's used on doesn't lose anything. The variation I used pulls every memory from the mind, leaving only the most deep seeded memories behind. Oddly, only those memories being copied. I've considered a couple ideas on why that is, but have little that comes close to even a proper hypothesis yet. The memories left behind are most often associated with fears and regrets as those often motivate us more than pleasure. Now I am not going to demonstrate that spell, but I would like to demonstrate the original if anyone would care to volunteer.”
Twilight slowly raised her hoof, trusting James that this wouldn't be like the ordeal he had gone through.
James smiled and nodded as she came forward. “Alright, now think of a memory you want to share with everyone. Probably something happy, this wouldn't be the best time for a confession.” He joked.
Twilight closed her eyes and thought about what she would like to share. Something that had made her happy. As she thought she came to one she did like: her first day in Ponyville. “Okay, I've got it.” She said with a grin.
“Alright, I'm going to get the memory now.” James said as he gently pressed his middle finger to her temple.
She felt as though thousands of threads were rustling around inside her head and it tickled slightly as one moved towards James's finger. She could feel it slowly leave her head, connected to James's finger as it went. It gently broke as it left and everything seemed to return to normal. She quickly tried to remember her first day in Ponyville and found it as vivid as it was when she decided to share it.
James waited for Twilight to open her eyes before continuing the class. “This is the copy of her memory, in it's current form I could implant in someone else, but with a pensive I can share it with everyone. Is that alright with you Twilight?”
Twilight nodded before James collected a shallow dish and filled it with water. He took Twilight's memory and gently placed it in the dish, swirling it around until the water turned silver. “We'll each place our face in the pensive, yes you will fall in but don't worry everything's alright.” James explained as he placed the shallow bowl on a central small table.
After they shared the memory James continued his lecture as planned. Explaining why some memory spells could be modified while others were best left alone and the dangers of memory eraser spells. He got the expected question shortly after his lecture was finished.
“How do you normally cope during the time you don't have your memory?” Cadence asked as she gave him a concerned look.
He was still regretting telling Twilight, but he had come to appreciate her concern for him and it clearly had spread to the other ponies. “It's different each time. But mostly I find my entertainment and distract myself for a week. It's pretty unnerving at first but once I've figured things out it tends to pass quickly, if a little lonely.”
There were, of course, follow up questions that he answered before dismissing the class.
As they got back to James's castle Twilight looked to him. She had been holding this since Applejack and needed to tell him, even if he was about to forget it. “I'm sorry things didn't go as well this time. We’ll leave you alone and maybe next time will be a bit easier.”
James shrugged. “We don't know how it went yet. Once I'm through I'll be able to tell you if it was better or worse or just different. Besides, it's going to be ten years before the next one so there's no reason to worry about that right now.” He said with a shrug. “Now, it's about time I get ready. I promised Tali I'd spend the day with her before doing this.”
***
Rainbow Dash enjoyed the shade from the tree on her eyes as the holographic sun warmed the rest of her. This place had the perfect time of day all day and she loved it. As she opened her eyes slightly she saw James sitting at the edge of the lake they were relaxing at. He had the same look about him as he always did when he felt out of place.
“Everything okay?” She asked as she got up from her nook at the base of the tree.
James sighed as he continued to look out over the water. “It should be. I'll be back to normal soon, you'll get your friend back and I can get on with my life … whatever that is.”
“What do you mean get my friend back? You're right here.” Rainbow Dash said as she playfully pushed James's shoulder.
“I'm not him. I don't know anything about you … and there's nothing to know about me.”
Rainbow Dash chuckled. “I know you pretty well, and even without your memories you're the same guy I like hanging out with. We've done next to nothing today and I've enjoyed every minute of it because you were here.”
James continued to stare out at the lake and into his own reflection. He knew nothing of the man staring back at him, but supposedly he would soon. “Hey Rainbow Dash.” He quietly said.
“What's up?” Rainbow Dash cheerfully asked.
He nervously looked up into her magenta eyes and her happy face. “I don't want to be alone now … would you stay with me until it's over? … Until I'm me again?”
“Heh, try and stop me.” Rainbow Dash said with a wide smile.
***
James was listening to Rainbow Dash telling stories about some of their fun times together when someone appeared in the stateroom. James knew all too well who it was, he'd been staring at that face off and on for the last week, at times with utter contempt. Now he looked on with resignation, realizing that it was now happening.
“Hey James.” Rainbow Dash cheerfully said. “Mind giving us a minute? I was just getting to the good part.”
James smiled and nodded as he looked at the two. He knew the story well, both because he remembered the event she was talking about and he remembered her telling him about it. He sat on the couch next to himself and smiled as he listened to her finish.
“Alright, I guess it's time you get to know yourself.” Rainbow Dash said as she looked to the James who was still comfortably dressed.
“Are … are you leaving?” He nervously asked.
Rainbow Dash smiled and shook her head. “Nah, I told you I'd be here until this was over and I meant it.”
James stood up and held his hand out to his past self.
He looked at the offered hand with no small amount of trepidation. “What's going to happen to me?” He quietly asked.
James smiled at himself. “You're going to remember who you are. That's all.”
***
Day eight.
The large chestnut alicorn stood outside Sweet Apple Acres uncomfortably as he looked towards the home in the distance. There was a lot he had to make up for this time, and he really hoped he hadn’t hurt them as much as he felt he had. With a sigh he began to walk towards the home.
Applejack watched as her friend lingered at the entrance to the farm before he slowly began to walk up the road to her house. She knew by now that he had his memories back and would be the same guy she had known a week earlier and walked out to meet him. “Howdy.” She said calmly as James got closer.
“Hey there.” James answered uncomfortably, not really looking at her. He rubbed his foreleg unconsciously as he stood there.
Even when James had been emotional before he still seemed controlled, but everything about him told her that he was only just keeping himself together at the moment. She had to wonder if this loss of his almost cold control was their doing or if this is just what he was like after getting his memories back. It was almost a good change, he tended to keep others at a distance.
“Look, I just need to say that I'm sorry. Even in my condition that was uncalled for and …” He tried to say before Applejack interrupted him.
“James, it's alright. You were scared and couldn't remember anything. Y'all weren't yourself.” She said as she shook her head.
As much as James would have liked to hide behind that excuse he couldn’t. “The opposite actually. Without everything I've learned over the years, that is who I am. Scared and angry at everyone.” He said. “I was more honest than I care to admit when I insisted that I'm not a good person. Never have been and never will be. But I can at least pretend to be better than I am for a little while.”
Applejack could hear it in his words that he truly believed what he was saying, but she didn’t. She had her own view of her friend and he needed to hear it. “Yer' wrong. If y'all weren't a good person you wouldn't be here saying sorry now. Y'all wouldn't care about any of it, but you do.”
“But as usual, you're not the one I most need to apologize to.” James said uncomfortably. Both at how her words clashed with his view of himself and with what he had yet to do.
“Yeah. Come say your sorry to Apple Bloom and you can get going to where your needed.” Applejack said with a nod as she led James to the house.
***
James stood outside the door to Scootaloo's home, he'd knocked a couple times over the last half hour but nobody seemed to be there.
“Holiday? Lofty?” He called. He was certain that at least one of them should be there. Unless today wasn't a day that they were in Ponyville. He was having a lot of trouble remembering things right now, everything felt jumbled together and muddled. He'd gotten lost three times on the way to Sweet Apple Acres and twice on his way here. Thankfully a friendly mare (Lyra … was that her name?) had found him and given him directions.
With a sigh he turned to walk off, he'd just have to find Scootaloo another time. Which was a shame as he also wanted to talk to her aunts too. He wanted to let them know how well Sara was doing now.
***
Scootaloo slowly walked home, she had hoped to find Rainbow Dash waiting for her but she'd been in New Guardia all day watching James. Scootaloo wondered if they had fought like he and Applejack had. She was worried about what would happen to him. He was her brother, but what he had become frightened her. Would he ever recover? What would happen when he did? Would he be the same? Would he still hate her like he clearly did the other day?
The more she thought about it the worse she felt. She sniffed as she approached her home, walking head first into something solid. “Hey.” She moaned. She knew there wasn't supposed to be something there, she walked this way all the time.
“Heyya kiddo.” James said with a half grin as he looked down at the filly who had just walked headfirst into his flank.
Scootaloo looked up and smiled at James as all her questions were answered with those two words.
“I'm sorry I … Well I'm sorry for the whole thing.” James said sadly as he looked down at the girl. “I know what it's like to see someone like that and I only made things worse when …”
Scootaloo jumped up and hugged him with all her strength. She didn’t care about the apology, she was just happy to have her brother back. “I was so worried you were gone forever.” She sobbed. “And that the you who was there hated me.”
James held her and spoke softly as ponies walked past and occasionally stopped to watch. “I would never hate you. I was scared and I lashed out at everyone, I'm sorry you got mixed up in it.”
“You're back now. That's what matters.” Scootaloo said as she tried to squeeze him tighter.
James eventually let her go and looked down at her. “So Holiday and Lofty aren't here. Who's with you tonight?”
“Rainbow Dash.” She happily answered.
James grinned as he made a suggestion. “How about I grab the girls and we all have a bit of a party tonight?”
Scootaloo smiled wide. “Awesome! I can invite Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle, right?”
“Of course. I'll start cooking as soon as I get back.” James said.