Her name was Crystal Clear, and she was the best dang spymaster that the EIEIO had ever had.
Or at least Shining Armor assumed so. He hadn’t really met many spymasters in his life, and at this point he couldn’t really afford to be picky.
The way Shining Armor figured it, though, they needed more leads on where the princesses could have disappeared to. And if there was anypony who knew something that hadn’t come up in the investigation, it was the leader of Equestria’s largest intelligence organization.
Sure, it was a longshot, but Shining Armor had pretty much no leads. He told Crystal Clear as much when she arrived in the throne room for their daily meeting.
“I’m desperate and will take literally any leads you have,” Shining Armor said to Crystal after explaining the situation to her. “Seriously, I will cling to any false hope available as we slide inevitably towards our doom.”
Crystal Clear looked thoughtful for a moment.
“Okay,” she said. “I have some information that might help you, princess. But we can’t talk here.”
Crystal Clear’s eyes darted upwards, towards the rafters of the throne room. Shining Armor looked up at all of the nature’s alarms that the earth pony was indicating.
“The geese might be listening,” Crystal whispered. “Meet me on the corner of Firefly and Faust tonight at midnight. I’ll be wearing a super inconspicuous trench coat and standing in the lamplit fog.”
“It’s not going to be foggy tonight,” Shining pointed out. “The pegasi don’t do fog in the cities at this time of year.”
“I have a fog machine,” Crystal said. “If I need to, I’ll use it.”
And with that, Crystal Clear turned and walked out of the throne room.
That had been several hours ago. Since then, time had passed, which was what time normally did. It was nearly midnight now, and the sun had finally set just a few minutes ago. Canterlot Castle was quiet and peaceful. Flurry Heart was resting soundly in her crib. All of the guards had been tucked in for the night.
And Shining Armor was sneaking our through the castle’s front doors.
Shining wasn’t sure why he felt the need to be sneaky. It wasn’t like he was being held prisoner in the castle. The guards and castle staff were so paranoid about something happening to him, though, that they constantly wanted to know where he was going. Shining couldn’t even walk from one room to another without having guards trying to escort him. And as much as Shining appreciated the sentiment, he didn’t feel like Crystal Clear would appreciate him bringing a bunch of guards to their clandestine meeting.
That being said, Shining Armor wasn’t planning on going alone. He knew it would be smart to have at least one guard with him in case anything happened. He wasn’t sure anything would, but it was better to be safe than sorry. And at the moment, Shining felt like there was only one guard he could trust to keep this meeting as confidential as possible.
Over the last few weeks, Flash Sentry had proven to be a fairly level-headed stallion. Shining didn’t really know the young guard especially well (Flash Sentry had only entered active guard duty after Shining Armor had retired to the Crystal Empire) but he felt like Flash could be trusted. Or, at the very least, Flash wouldn’t freak out over Shining leaving the castle for a bit.
Flash Sentry was off-duty for the night, however, and had returned home just a couple of hours ago. It was a good thing Flash Sentry was constantly telling his home address to ponies, or Shining Armor wouldn’t have known where to find him.
Shining found Flash Sentry’s home in a fairly well-to-do neighborhood, nestled in along a row of rather fancy apartments. Each door helpfully had a picture of the resident’s cutie mark on it. This prevented the need to break into any of the apartments to see who lived in them.
Once Shining found the door that had Flash Sentry’s shield and lightning bolt on it, he reached up and knocked loudly with his hoof. He could hear footsteps coming towards him from within Flash’s apartment. Then, the door opened.
Flash Sentry was out of uniform, and his blue mane was unrestrained by his helmet. Despite being off-duty, however, the stallion had a rather intense look on his face. He stared at Shining Armor with a single eyebrow raised, clearly waiting for the prince to say why he was paying this late-night visit.
“Flash, I need you to come with me to meet with Crystal Clear,” Shining said. “I need somepony to have my back in case—”
“Are you asking me to march into battle with you?” Flash asked. “Who are you? And why should I lend my wings to whatever cause you fight for?”
Shining blinked.
“Flash, it’s me,” he said. “Shining Armor. The married guy. Did you hit your head? Or do you have face-blindness?”
“Shining Armor?” Flash lifted a hoof to his chin thoughtfully. “Your name rings familiar to me. I may have heard it in passing. Are you a stallion of battle? A commander of soldiers? Come inside and tell me the tales of your past glories.”
Just as Shining Armor was starting to worry that Flash Sentry was suffering from some kind of brain illness, a voice from within the apartment called out to them.
“Hang on! I’m coming!”
Soon, Flash was joined in the doorway by another Flash Sentry. The two nearly-identical stallions stood side-by-side, apparently oblivious to how confused they were making Shining Armor. The prince’s eyes darted back and forth between the two Flashes as he tried to put the puzzle pieces together.
Flash glared disapprovingly at the other Flash, who looked back at Flash in confusion. After a few moments, Flash and Flash stopped looking at Flash and Flash, respectively, and both turned to look at Shining Armor.
“Sorry, sir,” Flash said. “I keep telling him to let me know when somepony’s at the door, just so we can avoid confusion.”
Flash looked once more at Flash, clearly annoyed. “Go back inside, Magnus. This is my boss.”
“I am a grown stallion, descendant; I can open the door if I want.” Despite the irritation in his voice, Flash nevertheless complied and headed back inside of the apartment. Once he was gone, it only took Shining Armor a second to put two and two together.
“Is that… Flash Magnus?” Shining asked in disbelief. “Why is Flash Magnus living with you?”
Flash sighed and shrugged. “Yeah, the legendary folk hero and Pillar of Equestria; he’s been crashing here for a while now. Apparently I’m his direct descendant or something. It’s been a real mess.”
“… But why is he living with you?” Shining repeated emphatically.
“I think he just doesn’t want to look for a place on his own,” Flash said in a confidential whisper. “You know how much of a hassle it is finding an apartment in this town…”
Shining didn’t. After he’d moved out of his parents’ home, he’d just moved in with Cadence at the castle. Now that he thought about it, Shining really had no idea how living on your own actually worked.
“Forget all of that,” Shining said, whispering for some reason. “I need you to come with me to my meeting with Crystal Clear. That way you can have my back in case she tries to mug me or something. I don’t know if that’s something a spymaster would do or not, but better safe than sorry.”
Flash Sentry didn’t bother asking for clarification. He stepped out of the doorway and onto the front stoop, closing the door behind him.
“Do you really think Crystal Clear has any useful information?” Flash asked. “It’s been three weeks; why wouldn’t she have said something before now?”
Shining thought about it as he and Flash left the apartment complex.
“Maybe she had amnesia,” he suggested. “Or maybe she’s just really lazy. Either way, I’ll take anything I can get at this point.”
The streets of Canterlot were nearly empty as Shining and Flash made their way towards the street corner where Crystal Clear would be waiting. Most businesses were closed, save for the all-night donut shops and the 24/7 wig stores. Likewise, almost everypony in Canterlot had gone to bed for the night. Shining and Flash Sentry only passed by a few night-owls who paid little attention to them as they walked on by.
The corner of Firefly and Faust was a good distance away from the castle, on the very edge of the city. It wasn’t exactly a shady neighborhood, but it also wasn’t a place where some of Canterlot’s more respectable citizens would dare to tread. A solitary, flickering streetlamp illuminated the dusty pavement and the old laserdisc store that sat on the street corner.
Crystal Clear was already waiting for them, and so was her fog machine. The EIEIO’s spymaster stood under the streetlamp, a hat and trench coat obscuring her features. This was nullified a bit by the very noticeable nametag she wore on her coat. Her fog machine, which she apparently hadn’t been able to find an outlet for, stood menacingly at her side.
“You made it,” Crystal said when Shining and Flash joined her. “Do either of you have any dry ice?”
“Of course we do,” Shining said. “We didn’t bring any with us, though.”
“Darn,” Crystal said. Then she said it again for some reason. “Darn. In that case, we’ll have to make this quick.”
Crystal Clear reached into her jacket and pulled out a single Manilla folder. The EIEIO’s logo, a pony shrugging under the group’s acronym, had been stamped on the front. Crystal held it out in her hooves, and Shining Armor took it with his magic. He quickly opened the folder up and looked at its contents.
Inside of the folder was a single piece of paper. Printed on the paper, in bold type, were the words ‘I AM GOING TO EXPLAIN THINGS NOW’.
“Now that you’ve read that, I can begin,” Crystal said. “The EIEIO does have some information on what might have happened to the princesses, but it hasn’t been completely verified. I might be sending you on a wild goose chase, sir.”
“I don’t care,” Shining said. “I’ll chase as many of nature’s alarms as I need to if it helps me get my wife and Twily back. And the other two.”
Shining paused. “Er, I just realize that I made it sound like I don’t care about getting Celestia and Luna back as much as the others. I probably could have phrased that better. My point still stands, though. I’m prepared to pursue whatever nonsense lead you give me.”
“Alright, princess.” Crystal Clear looked around to make sure nopony was listening in on the conversation. Then, she leaned in closer to whisper. “Tell me, what do you know about the Canterlot sewer system?”
That was an odd question. Shining didn’t know if Crystal Clear was leading into something, or if she was just genuinely curious.
“I know about as much as anypony,” Shining said. “The sewers are the terrible pipes that all of the stinky water lives in.”
“Impressive,” Crystal said. “You’re correct; the sewers are awful, wet, and they hide underneath Canterlot. But we have reason to believe that whatever abducted the princesses might have done so from the sewers.”
Shining raised an eyebrow. This was certainly a useful clue, if it was true. But Shining Armor had been misled to by ponies with fog machines before. He needed to make sure that Crystal wasn’t just pulling leads out of thin air like some sort of detective/magician.
“How do I know you’re not full of bologna?” Shining asked, hoping nopony was offended by his rough language.
“Yeah,” Flash added. “Why would anyone be in the sewers? They’re bad and damp. The rats that live in the sewers are constantly sad because their home is so awful.”
Crystal Clear shrugged. “I don’t know why our kidnapper would have been in the sewers. Maybe they’re stupid, and think sewers are a good place to be. Maybe they’re some sort of sewer-goblin. But we received a report of unusual magical activity coming from the sewers at the exact time the princesses disappeared, and we just verified those reports today.”
“Who reported this?” Shining Armor asked suspiciously.
“Well, because the EIEIO doesn’t have any hostile nations to keep tabs on, we pass the time by constantly spying on our own citizens,” Crystal Clear explained. “It is a gross invasion of privacy, and also very illegal. We gain absolutely nothing by doing this.”
“I see,” Shining Armor said. “I am going to fire you.”
“That is a good decision,” Crystal Clear agreed. “Anyway, we became aware of the magical activity by chance while we were spying on a local pony who spends all day staring at sewer grates. Since then, our analysts have confirmed that the magical activity was from a spell being cast in the sewers at the same time the princesses vanished. But we don’t actually know if the spell had anything to do with their disappearance.”
“So it could just be an ordinary sewer spell?” Flash asked. “The kind that gets cast every day?”
“Exactly,” Crystal said. “That’s why I hadn’t brought it up before now. We wanted to make absolutely sure this lead is worthwhile before making somepony go down into the awful, awful sewers.”
Shining couldn’t disagree with Crystal’s hesitance. This wasn’t much to go on. What if they sent somepony own into the sewers and it turned out this was just a red herring? They would have ruined that pony’s day for no good reason. Was the slim possibility of finding a clue really worth sending somepony into the sewers?
It was a lot to think about. But then again, Shining missed his wife a lot, so whatever.
“We can’t afford to let this opportunity slip by,” Shining said. “But I can’t ask somepony to go into the sewers. If I did that, it would be seen as a terrifying abuse of power. So instead, I’ll…”
Shining shuddered. “I’ll go into the sewers myself.”
Flash Sentry and Crystal Clear both gasped. Well, actually, they yawned, but Shining thought that yawns and gasps were extremely similar. Despite the concern that he was sure they felt, Shining remained determined.
“Don’t try to stop me,” Shining said.
“I wasn’t going to,” Flash Sentry said.
“I’m legally not allowed to stop you,” Crystal said. “You’re basically an absolute monarch.”
“Okay, good,” Shining said. “Don’t.”
Since neither of them was willing to try and talk Shining out of this, the prince was left standing around awkwardly while Crystal Clear made her preparations to leave. The spymaster lifted her fog machine up over her head in the most awkward way possible and began to trot away. Before she could round the corner and disappear from sight, however, Crystal stopped and looked back at Flash and Shining.
“Before I go,” she said, “there’s one more thing I should probably mention.”
Shining and Flash Sentry both looked at Crystal expectantly. Once again, the EIEIO’s leader made sure to look around just in case someone was listening in. Then, once she was certain they were safe, Crystal Clear leaned in and whispered confidentially to the two stallions.
“If this mission fails, and you don’t find the princesses…” Crystal said in a hushed tone. “I want you to know that I hope we do go to war with the griffons. I want to be able to commit war crimes. That is the only dream I have ever had in my life.”
And with that, Crystal Clear disappeared into the nonexistent fog.
Sometime later, Shining Armor sat at the desk in Princess Celestia’s study, deep in thought. He hadn’t been able to sleep when he’d snuck back into the castle; he was far too restless. After checking up on Flurry Heart and trying to get some paperwork done, Shining had found himself doing research on Canterlot’s sewer system.
Much to Shining’s surprise, there were actually quite a few books about the subject in Celestia’s study. Shining supposed that made since; obviously, the princess would need to be well-informed regarding the functions of her capital city. She also owned several books on other important parts of Canterlot’s infrastructure, like public transit and those ponies who stood on street corners pretending to be statues.
After a bit of searching, Shining found the three most up-to-date books about sewers that Celestia had on her shelf. They were An Underground Guide to Equestria’s Sewers; How Canterlot’s Sewers Work When We Just Sort Of Hang Off Of a Mountain; and Sewers: The Worst Place to Get Engaged. All three were pop-up books, which was very helpful.
The information actually contained within the books, however, was much more of a mixed bag. Despite being about sewers, which are notoriously moist, all three books were incredibly dry. The content was so boring that Shining had difficulty powering through it. The books mostly went over what sewers were, how they worked, and what kinds of birds lived in them.
Not everything Shining found was stupid and useless, however. The books covered the history of Canterlot’s sewers, and how they had originally been a series of catacombs that the ancient Equestrians had used to bury expired leftovers. They ran all throughout Canterlot Mountain, occasionally crisscrossing with the old mines. Most experts agreed that Canterlot’s sewers were, quote, ‘Needlessly elaborate’.
Shining rubbed his chin with his hoof. If the sewers really were that complicated, it might help if he had some sort of map when he went down there. It might also help if he had wings, or a magic sword that could solve any problem. Shining felt like the map would be easier to get a hold of, though. He could probably just buy one at a gift shop.
“I can go down into the sewers tomorrow night…” Shining said to himself. “That’ll give me time to get everything I need…”
“Are you going to go alone?” Thorax asked.
Shining opened his mouth to respond, then stopped. He hadn’t heard Thorax enter the study. Shining looked around to find him, but Thorax was nowhere in sight. Where was he?
The stool Shining had been sitting on shifted a bit. Shining looked down and realized he’d been sitting on Thorax’s back the whole time he’d been reading.
“… Thorax?” Shining asked, puzzled. “What are you doing in here?”
“This is where I’ve been sleeping,” Thorax said. “The beds in the guest rooms are too uncomfortable. The floor in here feels really nice on my carapace. I’ve been in here every night since you became ruler.”
Shining blinked. “Wait, so… you just slept through me sitting on top of you for, like, two hours?”
“No, I’ve been awake the whole time,” Thorax said. “Hey, could you maybe stop sitting on me? You’re kind of crushing me, and I’ve been having trouble breathing. Everything’s a little fuzzy.”
Shining Armor got up off of Thorax’s back. He stood by and watched as the pastel king rose up off the floor and stretched. Shining had no idea why Thorax had antlers.
Once Thorax had finished popping his back into place, he turned towards Shining with a concerned look on his face. “Why do you need to go into the sewers anyway? Aren’t sewers supposed to be moist and terrible?”
“Crystal Clear gave me a lead on what might have happened to the princesses,” Shining said with a tired shrug. “I’d send somepony else, but the sewers are awful; I don’t want to have somepony go there in my stead. If I do this myself, nopony else has to.”
Thorax looked concerned.
“What if you run into some kind of trouble?” He asked worriedly. “What if you get lost, or see some graffiti that makes you so upset you go insane?”
Shining hadn’t thought of that. He’d been so busy thinking about how terrible sewers are in general that he hadn’t even considered the bad things that might happen in them. He could get attacked by sewer rats, or mugged by sewer rats, or captured and sold into slavery by sewer rats. Shining was confident in his ability to protect himself, but he had no idea what he could run into down there.
“Those words you said are making me concerned,” Shining said. “But who could I bring with me? I mean, I guess I could bring Flash, but… I don’t know if he could handle a sewer adventure. He might have a breakdown or something.”
“I could come with you!” Thorax chirped. “I’m used to traveling through miserable, damp, and complex systems of tunnels. The old Changeling Hive was basically an above-ground sewer!”
Shining blinked. He hadn’t expected Thorax to volunteer for this disgusting sewer mission. Now that he thought about it, though, Thorax had a point. From what Shining remembered, Chrysalis’s hive had been fairly sewer-like. Granted, Shining had only gotten brief glimpses of the hive during the moments when Chrysalis had pulled him out of his slime cocoon so she could hit on him.
“Well…” Shining thought it over. “I don’t know. What if you get grossed out and die because of how nasty things are?”
Thorax waved a hoof dismissively. “That won’t be a problem. Watch this.”
In an instant, Thorax’s body was engulfed in green flames that dissipated just as quickly. Shining recognized this as the Changeling’s shapeshifting magic. But when the fire vanished, Thorax looked pretty much exactly the same.
“See?” Thorax said, his voice sounding much more nasally. “I shapeshifted into a version of myself without nostrils.”
“Wow!” Shining yelled in amazement. “Incredible! I had no idea you had this kind of power! I'm freaking out a little over how impressive this is!”
Thorax chuckled awkwardly. “Uh, yeah. Okay. I didn’t expect you to be so impressed by this.”
“I am!” Shining yelled.
This settled it—Shining Armor wouldn’t be going into the sewers alone. He’d have the amazing nostrilless Thorax along with him. That alone gave Shining Armor more hope than he’d had going in. Even though he knew that there was a good chance this lead wouldn’t amount to anything, Shining now felt as if defeat was just a little less likely.
With renewed confidence, Shining wished Thorax good night and headed back to the bedchambers he’d been staying in. Flurry Heart was still sound asleep in her crib, and the sun wouldn’t rise for a few more hours.
Shining Armor tucked himself into bed and quickly fell into a deep, peaceful sleep. He needed to be well-rested for when night fell again.