The lecture hall was painfully quiet, save for the awkward shuffling of the two others that were with me. They looked antsy, as if counting the nanoseconds till I left. I remembered that they were holding hooves/claws. Their uncomfortability with me being there was also evident, as if just my presence was hindering them from being themselves. I guess it made sense, since they don’t know me all that well and probably didn’t expect me to be staying for as long as I was.
“So, did you guys finish the homework?” I made an attempt at small talk with them, hoping to have them feel more comfortable and make me feel less awkward.
My attempt did neither of those things, and instead made the silence between us even more oppressive. Finally, after a long 20 seconds, Sandbar chimed in, “No, not really. I kinda heard around the school that class was gonna be cancelled, so I thought ‘why bother’, you know?”
Gallus chimed in, “Yeah, and I heard from Sandy-I mean Sandbar, so I didn’t do it either.” Gallus’ cheeks grew redder than before.
“Oh,” Was all I really could say, leaving the dead air to settle again as I tried my best to think of something else, anything, to broach the subject of their behavior. I couldn’t really think of anything, so I did one of the riskiest things I have ever done. “A-are you two dating?” My face was still flushed from the running, but the blush renewed itself in full strength after I asked that.
That face...that Tartarus cursed face that Gallus made after I asked was core shaking. It was as if all emotions, save for a deep eldritch sense of horror, were sucked out of his body with a straw. I could almost hear his heart stopping, then skyrocketing into his throat as he struggled and sputtered, trying desperately to make some type of coherent sentence. So that was it. That was what I looked like whenever I went into a panic. It looked painful, as if his whole world was collapsing in front of him.
Then, there was Sandbar, who was tightly gripping onto the Griffin’s claw, whispering what I could only assume were words of comfort. That’s what Pip would do. He looked tired and worried, as if he had seen this all before.
While coaxing Gallus to a more acceptable breathing rate, Sandbar turned his attention to me, “It usually works.” He said flat out, not sounding angry, I hoped.
“W-what does?” I asked, regretting everything I’d done in the past five minutes.
“Our way of staying under the radar. He can usually brush it off or play it up, you know? Overly present, mocking whoever asked. He would say something really, and I mean really, gay. I would go along with it. It usually works,” Sandbar turned back to his friend, “Though I guess you are still kinda shocked about that invitation, aren’t you?”
Gallus began to compose himself again, nodding to Sandbar.
“I-i’m sorry. I didn’t know you would react like that. I didn’t mean anything bad by asking. I just-” I cut myself short, my body locking up at the thought of the next part of the sentence.
“You just what? Wanted to give me a freaking heart attack?” Gallus asked harshly, a wavering aggression building up in his voice.
“No! I just-I just-,” I couldn’t say it. I pushed myself, willed myself with every fiber of my being but I could not bring myself to say the end of that sentence.
“Would you spit it out already?!” Gallus roared, his anger growing.
“I just wanted to know that there were other ponies like me” I said, lowering my eyes, hoping they wouldn’t see the tears starting to form. It wasn’t that I was crying from Gallus yelling at me, rather I had forced myself into a lose-lose situation where I was going to admit one of my deepest, darkest secrets to essentially some strangers. I hated it. It brought me back to Vanhoover. I was so scared, so alone, so confused, running around nearly mad from hiding from the things I had no idea about. When I came to class, I hadn’t expected to spill my guts then and there. Gallus had Sandbar, I was alone. It was an issue I needed to fix alone, so I suppose it was only right.
Gallus cocked his head, probably wondering if he heard me right. “What?”
I held my head in my hooves, trying my hardest not to freak out then and there, the word that I hated saying out loud on the tip of my tongue, filling my mouth with an acrid taste that begged me to keep it shut. I grit my teeth, my mind repeating it over and over again in hopes that my voice would pick up and say it. Panic rose steadily inside of me, the eyes of the two in front of me watching, waiting for something to happen, for me to confess my sins. They were the first witnesses outside of Pip to hear the two words that plagued my mind and caused me so much anxiety that I almost passed out when I said it out loud to him.
“I’m gay!” I cried, immediately biting my forehoof and burying my face into the desk I was sitting at, knowing deep down somewhere that they weren’t going to yell at me, hurt me, or make fun of me since they were too, but still bracing for pain all the same.
I waited.
And waited.
And waited, for something to happen.
But nothing did.
After two minutes, I looked up from the desk, tears streaming down my eyes, my hoof bruised from how long I was biting it. I saw two blurry figures still staring at me. I wiped my eyes to see the pair, Gallus still looking in shock, Sandbar staring at me with a sad smile.
Now it was my turn to feel uncomfortable, the two of them observing me in one of my most vulnerable moments, as if I were some kind of anomaly. Finally, Sandbar got up and, after whispering something to gallus, walked over to me. He frowned when he saw what I had done to my foreleg, but either chose not to comment on it or knew there was nothing he could say. I watched his every movement, making my skin crawl as he began to move a hoof to my shoulder. I schooched away from him as soon as he touched it, causing him to reflexively jerk his hoof away. I must have scared him.
“Featherweight?” He said in a soft tone, his mellow nature somehow finding a way to drip into it.
I heard that tone before, that demeanor, as if Luna were whispering in my ear once again, comforting me. I looked up to him, his soft, easygoing smile putting me at ease.
“Thank you,” He said, throwing me through a loop.
I looked at him, perplexed at his statement, since none of what I had just done was deserving of any thanks, “For what? Entertainment?” I asked, attempting to smooth out the tension and calm everypony down, mainly me.
“For giving us that little push.” Sandbar pointed over to Gallus.
“There’s some kind of club that we got invited to that is based around creatures like us who are having a hard time coming…” Gallus’ voice petered out before he hit his closed claw onto the table, “Who are having a hard time coming out as,” He clenched his claw harder, “As Gay.”
It seemed he had as hard of time as I did when it came to saying that word. Though I hadn’t really focused on that part, rather the ‘club’ he was talking about. “What? There’s a club for that?” I raised my head a bit higher from the table.
“That’s what we were thinking,” Gallus said with equal astonishment, “but there it was, just a slip of paper slid underneath our dorm door giving a name, day, and time. No idea who put it there,” Gallus scrunched his face in a bit, “or how they found out, but we weren’t going to go to it.”
“You weren’t going to go to it. I wanted to, but I knew how you would get. I didn’t want you to feel uncomfortable,” Sandbar chimed in, a sly smile on his face, still standing next to me.
Gallus rolled his eyes and blushed, “Well, now I think I want to go. You should come with us,” He paused, as if trying to remember something, “F-Featherweight?” He ended the sentence off with a question, he must not have known my name as well as Sandbar did.
I lightly snorted, “Yeah. Yeah, I think I might like that.” I took a quick look at the damage I had done to myself this time, “I need help with that myself.”
That night went a lot better than I think any one of us thought it would after the whole introductory debacle. We talked, getting to know each other a bit better, not daring to pick at the more obvious topic for fear of a relapse. Really, it was me getting to know the other two better. I didn’t mind, since I thought that was what was going to get me through going to such a place as a Coming out club or whatever it was. It was nice, and we all said our goodbyes as I left the school grounds to head back home, ecstatic for the meeting that was coming up in two days.
Only Celestia knew what kind of stuff would be in store for me then.