Homer in Equestria, the Less Than Epic Saga
By Barry the Brony
Something you learned quickly while in Equestria was when it came to architecture, ponies had all the subtlety of a brick to the head.
Whereas Sugarcube Corner was made to resemble a giant confectionary, Carousel Boutique bore the features of its namesake with silhouettes of ponies prancing around the exterior of the shop and one adorning the sign above the front door.
Nonetheless Homer seemed just as drawn to it as he had the bakery, albeit for a very different reason. His eyes squinted in concentration a puzzled look on his face.
“Hey Twilight I thought you said Rarity worked in a carousel? That looks more like a merry-go-round to me.”
“See Twilight? I’m not the only one who gets those two mixed up.” Spike said from his perch atop Homer’s shoulders
Rather then be exasperated, Twilight smiled recalling having a similar conversation with Spike about the matter not soon after they had started living in Ponyville a few years back.
“Well Homer, the most basic difference is a merry-go-round turns clockwise. Whereas If you’ll notice the direction the silhouettes are facing, the effect is that they appear to be moving counter-clockwise.”
“You mean how toilet water flushes one way in America and the other way in Australia?”
Twilight looked up at him and arched an eyebrow. “I...guess?”
“Well how about that, I learned something.” Homer said looking rather pleased with himself.
Hearing this Twilight’s face lit up with a tiny ‘squee’ sound. If anything rivaled her love for knowledge, it was her love of sharing said knowledge with others.
Spike seemed to grow more excited as they got to the front door of the boutique, scaling down Homer’s back and going round the corner. A few seconds later he came back with a clawfull of freshly picked flowers.
“Spike you didn’t pick those from Daisy’s flower bed again did you?” Twilight asked giving him a concerned look.
“Nah, I'm pretty sure she’s onto me by now. I got these from Lily’s flower bed.” Spike replied as if this solved the biggest problem with ravaging a neighbor’s garden in the hopes of pleasing Rarity.
Twilight just rolled her eyes and gave the door three quick knocks. Upon hearing a familiar voice call out ‘Co-ming!’ in a sing song tone the little dragon’s tail began to wag in excitement.
The door swung open with a merry jingle of the bell set above it as Rarity stood in the doorway. “Oh good morning everyone how are y-sweet Celestia!” She recoiled in horror at the tattered blood and butter stained remains of Homer’s clothing.
“Good heavens Homer, what in the name of embroidered stitching happened to you?!”
“I broke Pinkie’s window with my face.” Homer replied without missing a beat.
Rarity blinked twice before her eyes flicked over to Twilight. “That answers one question but raises so many others.”
“Trust me, not enough hours in the day. The short version is Homer had an accident and we could really use your help getting him presentable for when I take him to see Princess Celestia. Think you can squeeze us in on short notice Rarity?” Twilight asked.
“As opposed to letting Homer wander through Canterlot looking like that? Of course darling, come in all of you we don't have a moment to waste!” The white unicorn ushered them all into the boutique and closed the door behind them.
“Here Rarity, these are for you!” Spike said wasting no time in presenting her with the flowers.
“Oh these are beautiful!” Rarity cooed as she lifted them up with her magic. “You always find a way to brighten up my day, my little gentle-drake.” She leaned in and gave him a peck on the cheek, causing his face to turn cherry red.
“I think he likes her.” Homer whispered to Twilight, making the little alicorn put a hoof to her mouth to stifle a giggle. Spike’s crush on Rarity was about as well kept a secret in Ponyville as the fact that Cranky Doodle wore a toupee.
“Alright Homer as luck would have it, I have a shower upstairs you are welcome to use. But first we’ll need to get you out of those clothes” Rarity explained as she filled a vase with water to put the flowers in.
“You’re the boss,” Homer said with a shrug and without another word he started to unzip his pants.
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” Rarity shrieked, dropping everything and rushing to put one of her mannequins in front of Homer while Twilight covered Spike’s eyes with one of her wings.
“What? You said you wanted me to take off my clothes.” Homer said looking genuinely puzzled.
“Not in front of us, for goodness sake Homer, where’s your sense of modesty?” Rarity said as she tried to catch her breath.
“Wait…” Homer’s expression turned from puzzled to annoyed. “If this because of my weight?”
Now it was Rarity’s turn to look puzzled, though utterly baffled might have been more accurate. “I beg your pardon?”
“As well as you should!” Homer replied folding his arms across his chest. “Trying to body shame someone out of taking part in a local custom, for shame.”
Rarity tilted her head to the side and squinted at him. Twilight was a little quicker to recover but only because she’d already had a good sampling of Homer’s...unique way of thinking this morning. “Okay Homer? We’re going to need a little more context to understand what you’re talking about.”
“Oh don’t play dumb, you guys can walk around naked and it’s no big thing, but the moment someone like me who's a little overweight decides to join in? Then it’s indecent exposure.”
Rarity and Twilight exchanged looks of disbelief before the former’s eyes lit up with realization. “Hold on, you think we’re...oh! Oh of course why didn’t I realize it sooner?”
“While I’m glad one of us has some idea what’s going on, mind filling the rest of us in Rarity?” Twilight asked arching an eyebrow.
“Well Twilight it seems there’s been a bit of a misunderstanding. Now Homer, from what you’ve told us so far, am I correct in thinking where you come from it’s customary to wear clothing all the time?” Rarity asked.
“Well yeah, I mean sometimes we wear more clothes when it gets cold and less when it’s hot. But usually we only take off our clothes to clean ourselves or when we want to have seee-rious snuggling.” Homer caught himself only just remembering present company consisted to two girls and a baby dragon.
Rarity nodded at this, having decided it wasn’t worth drawing attention to his near slip of the tongue. “So given that we spend most of our days without wearing anything, I assume this lead you to believe that we are, in fact, naked?”
“Uh, do you guys have a different definition of ‘naked’ or am I missing something?” Homer said arching an eyebrow.
“Don’t worry, I'm getting to that dear, now do you remember our little group hug the other day?” Homer nodded. “Well do you happen to recall if it felt like the parts of us you were holding felt like bare skin?”
“Actually, no, it kind of felt like fur more than anything.” Homer admitted scratching the side of his head. Pieces to the puzzle were starting to appear but he wasn’t quite making the connections just yet.
“Well Homer what you felt is what we refer to as a ‘coat’. It’s a covering of fine coarse hairs that function in much the same way as clothes would for a Kwyjbo in that it covers our extremities and provides protection from the elements.” Rarity explained not noticing the slight twitch in Homer’s eye at being addressed as a ‘Kwyjibo’.
‘The boy can never know…’ “So wait, if you guys are already covered why do you wear clothes?”
Rarity smiled as she used her magic to levitate a shimmering purple dress off of one of her mannequins. “Well just like in your world there are times of the year or parts of Equestria where extra layers are necessary.”
“But mainly we see clothes as a way to enhance a pony’s natural appeal. For instance this dress would look simply divine on Twilight, notice how it brings out the color of her eyes?”
“Oooh that does look like it would-hey!” Twilight caught herself before she fell into Rarity’s well oiled machinations yet again. Like any good predator, Rarity’s quarry rarely knew what hit them until they found themselves leaving several bits lighter then when they entered.
“Sorry dear, the instinct to make a sale isn’t something you can just flick on and off like a lightswitch,” Rarity said giving a little titter as she returned the dress to its original position. “But getting back on topic does that clear a few things up Homer?”
“Kinda, but I do still have a question. If you guys are covered in hair, what do you call what’s on your head?”
Rarity gave a quizzical tilt of her head. “You mean my horn?”
“No the other thing.”
“Her ears?” Twilight asked giving hers a flap for emphasis.
“Uh-uh.”
“Oh! I think he’s talking about your mane Rarity.” Spike offered.
“Mane?” Homer blinked and gave a far off look for a few seconds. Then just when Twilight, Spike and Rarity started getting a little worried, the last sliver in the loading bar seemed to fill in.
“Ohhh, is that why Lisa kept calling it that when she said she was going to go brush Princess!” He said slapping his forehead. “I kept thinking she was using some kind of weird slang like ‘noob’ or ‘amigo’. But jeez I’m sorry guys, I just kind of assumed clothing was optional around here.”
“Well yeah but only because our tails and coats cover up anything...intimate.” Twilight explained a bit of pink in her cheeks as she didn’t look any more eager to discuss such delicate matters in front of Spike as Homer had been. “From what we’ve seen with you, if you were to walk around unclothed things would be sort of…” The little Alicorn paused to find a delicate way to put it.
“Out in the open? Yeah I can see why that would be a little awkward. Once you’ve had an entire stadium full of people take pictures of your junk you sort of lose the appetite for it. So uh just to be clear, this isn’t about me being, you know...husky?” Homer asked.
There was something in Homer’s voice when he asked this that made Rarity and Twilight exchange a look. Even Spike looked a little caught by surprise. “Homer, do people make fun of you for your weight back home?” Twilight asked gently.
Homer gazed down at the ground and gave a long sigh. “Yeah, I try not to let it get to me but, well you can only hear people call you so many variations of ‘fatass’ before you start to believe it yourself.” He admitted poking the tips of his pointer fingers together.
Twilight started to say something before Rarity raised a hoof for her to be quiet for a moment. Motioning for Homer to kneel down, the unicorn walked over and put a hoof on his arm.
“Homer?” Rarity said softly. “I’m going to tell you the same thing I tell everyone who walks through that door. You are as radiant a jewel as any I will ever work with, and if you are willing to let me, it would be my pleasure to help you shine.”
Homer looked down at Rarity with wide eyes. “You...you really mean that?” His voice was so quiet it was barely above a whisper.
Rarity smiled up at him. “Every word.”
Rarity then gave a little squeak of surprise as Homer pulled her into a bear hug. “You’re a good person Rarity.” He said with a slight crack in his voice as he closed his eyes, but not before a single tear escaped down his cheek.
“I try my best darling, just like the rest of us,” Rarity said nuzzling him for a moment before her nose reminded her of Homer’s rather...pungent condition. “Ahem, Homer? Please don’t take offense, but I do believe you’re just a tad overdue for that wash.” She said as delicately as she could.
Homer paused and lifted an arm giving his pit a sniff, and promptly recoiled. “Whoo! No offense taken lady, man I better get to it before birds start dropping out of the sky. Where's the bathroom again?”
“Up the stairs and to your left, you can’t miss it.”
“Much obliged.” Homer trundled upstairs and ducked to the left, almost closing the door completely before they heard him unzip his pants once more. A bit of rustling was followed by his clothing being tossed out before it clicked shut. Finally they heard the sound of Rarity’s shower starting up.
Twilight, Spike and Rarity all took a moment to give a collective sigh of relief. “Well, I can safely say I wasn’t expecting that much excitement so early in the day!” Rarity said giving a light toss of her mane. “Spike would you be so kind as to fetch Homer’s clothes? I’ll need to take a fabric sample.”
“I’m on it Rarity!” Spike said hopping off the chair he had been sitting on and snapping a salute before he dashed up the stairs.
“Rarity that was amazing, how did you figure out what was going on with Homer that fast?” Twilight asked still trying to process everything that had just happened. Within the span of a minute she had experienced amusement, alarm, confusion, concern, sympathy, fondness and admiration.
“Yeah Rarity, when Homer started dropping his pants I thought you were gonna chase him out with a sewing needle.” Spike added as he came back down the stairs. Rather than handle Homer’s dirty laundry with his bare claws the little dragon was carefully bringing it down while it hung off the handle of a broom, doing his best not to breath through his nose.
“Oh don’t give me too much credit Spike, I wasn’t far off from doing just that at first,” Rarity explained as she levitated Homer’s clothing over to her work table with her magic. “But something about how Homer genuinely seemed to believe he was being treated unfairly gave me pause. Obviously the root of the problem was one party was doing something they thought was normal while the other vehemently disagreed. The question then was, what was being lost in translation?”
Rarity began to pace slowly, not out of nerves but more a kind of restless energy, and even as she paced her tools began to snip and cut at each piece of clothing to get samples. “Given that the trouble all started when I asked Homer to remove his clothes, that was the most important clue.
“Giving Homer the benefit of the doubt, I had to assume he would never disrobe in front of people he had only recently met unless he felt that somehow this was a perfectly normal course of action to take. It wasn’t until he accused us of a double standard that everything clicked.”
“Homer hadn’t been so quick to undress because he was being inconsiderate, but rather he was merely engaging in what he believed was a perfectly acceptable local custom. It was only after we responded negatively to this that Homer interpreted this as a comment about his physical appearance.”
Twilight just sort of...stared for a couple seconds. “Wow, I guess all those detective novels have been rubbing off on you Rarity.”
Spike on the other hand gave a wistful sigh and murmured something about ‘best pony’.
“Now then, on to the matter at hoof, Twilight would you be so kind as to bring me Homer’s measurements?” Rarity asked not even bothering to look up as she took a bit of fabric from what remained of his attire. Fortunately the materials seemed to be primarily common enough things like cotton and denim and she had plenty of both on hand.
“Measurements? What measurements?” Twilight asked suddenly snapping out of her daze and now seeming to find an excuse to look anywhere else but in Rarity’s general direction. “I mean what, you think I ran tests on his unconscious body in a gross violation of his privacy and personal space just to satisfy my own curiosity?”
Rarity stopped what she was doing for a moment and gave Twilight an even, perfectly measured look. After fidgeting for a few seconds Twilight sighed and hung her head in defeat. A little notepad appeared held in place by the Alicorn’s magic appeared next to Rarity.
“I’m not judging dear, I’m just reminding you that after living in the same town as you for the last few years we’ve all come to pick up on your habits. Now why don’t you come and give me a hoof? Spike if your hungry I have a few spare jewels in that cabinet drawer over there.”
Twilight was about to say that Spike had already had breakfast when the little dragon’s stomach rumbled audibly. Noticing the look she was giving him, Spike gave Twilight a toothy little grin. “Guess she knows both of us pretty well by now huh?”
While Spike helped himself Rarity set to work on making some new clothing for Homer to wear. The top priority would be something appropriate to wear for a meeting with Princess Celestia, then by the time they returned from Canterlot she planned to have enough clothing for him to start being able to cycle through them during the week.
“Honestly I still think his taste in attire is a little on the generic side, but considering the nature of our current outfit for him to wear around Canterlot, I thought it might make him feel better if the rest of his clothing was similar to what he was used to back home.”
Twilight could only nod as she followed the unicorn’s instructions, fetching materials whenever needed. As they worked they could hear Homer singing in the shower as he washed up. While it sure sounded like he was enjoying himself some of the lyrics were rather strange…
Everything is awesome!
Everything is cool when you’re part of a team!
Something something something!
When you’re living the dreeeeeeaaaaaam!
All three of them winced slightly as Homer belted out that last note. From somewhere on the second floor Rarity’s cat Opal gave an indignant yowl.
“I can make him look good, but I’m afraid that is beyond my ability to help with.” Rarity said as she flicked an ear.
“Speaking of singing, where’s Sweetie Belle?” Twilight asked while Rarity resumed her work on Homer’s outfit.
“Oh she’s out with Apple Bloom and Scootaloo helping a filly with her Cutie Mark. I only caught mention of her first name, Critter I believe. Sweet little thing but a bit, what’s the word I’m looking for, eccentric?” Rarity offered not noticing Spike and Twilight exchange a coy look. “Apparently she’s been something of a menace while striving to find her passion so the girls offered to help her.”
“That bad huh?” Twilight had to arch an eyebrow. Considering there was practically an entire branch of Ponyville folklore built around the years the Cutie Mark Crusaders’ had strived to find their hidden talents, there had to be quite a story behind the idea of another filly rivaling them for overall chaos.
“Well, maybe ‘menace’ is too strong a word, as I said I’ve met her a few times and she’s really a darling, but apparently animals seem to have a certain...aversion to her. Rumor has it Fluttershy has been treating her pet hamster for PTSD.”
“Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?” Twilight had to give Rarity a double take at this. “What did she steal all of her classmates’ pets to re-enact the War of the Three Tribes when nobody was looking?”
“No idea, though you must admit nothing is entirely outside the realm of possibility in Ponyville these days.”
“Well yeah but usually Discord or Pinkie Pie has to get involved for things to get that weird. The last thing we need is that sort of craziness spreading.”
Spike paused in the middle of polishing off a sapphire and made a loud cough that sounded suspiciously like he was saying ‘enchantedyourdoll’ in a rush. Twilight straightened up and stared straight ahead with a noticeable bit of red in her cheeks while Rarity tried not to smile.
“Okay okay maybe I’m not the best person to admonish other’s for being a little eccentric. As long as she’s not actively trying to harm animals I don’t see...whatever Critter is up to as being too much of a problem.” Twilight conceded.
With that they quickly returned to working on Homer’s new outfit. It never ceased to amaze Twilight how quickly Rarity could cobble something together on short notice yet still give it her all. By the time they heard the shower turn off upstairs, the girls had finished Homer’s new outfit.
“Ahh, I feel as fresh as a big yellow daisy.” Homer said with a sigh of satisfaction as he emerged from the bathroom wrapped up in what looked like several of Rarity’s towels tied together. For reasons none of them could fathom he had one wrapped around his head despite the number of hairs still up there being in the single digits.
“Feeling better I take it?” Twilight asked as Homer came down the stairs and stepped behind a nearby changing screen. For the sake of modesty Rarity used her magic to hand Homer a replacement pair of underwear first so she could avoid any further embarrassment should he require the unicorn’s assistance in fitting into his new clothes.
Oh absolutely, especially after trying out that loofah!” Homer said from behind the screen as he took the underwear. “Boy does that help reach the nooks and crannies like nobody’s business!”
“Well I’m glad to hea-loofah? What loofah?” Rarity seemed to stop dead in the middle of talking her ears pricked up and her posture now rigid.
“You know, the pink one next to the bottle of shampoo in the shower?” Homer replied, peeking out up over the edge of the screen now.
Rarity’s pupils shrank to pinpricks at this. “The one with initials ‘R’ and ‘B’ on it?” She asked her voice suddenly going up an octave. Behind her Twilight and Spike exchanged looks of shared alarm.
“That’s the one.”
“The same loofah I ordered custom for two hundred bits that I just received in the mail today and literally have only used once since getting it?!” By now Rarity’s left eye was twitching and her voice was bordering on shrill.
“Uh, did I do something wrong?” Normally Homer wasn’t good at picking up on how other people were feeling, but he couldn’t help but recall how Marge had displayed a similar expression when he had come clean about how much money he had spent on imported Sea Monkeys.
“...You know the sad thing is all it’s going to take is a bat of her eyelashes, a pretty please and a ‘Spikey-Wikey’ and I’ll probably end up helping Rarity get rid of the body.” Spike sighed reflecting on some of the (many) downsides of crushing on one of Ponyville’s most melodramatic mares.
“Wait but if Rarity kills Homer then-” Twilight’s wings flared out in panic as she let out a loud gasp. “I’LL NEVER GET TO FINISH MY RESEARCH!”
“And...?” Spike said making a motion with his claw signaling her to keep following that train of thought just a bit farther then a missed opportunity for study.
“...Oh, uh and his family will never see him again?” The Princess of Friendship added sheepishly.
“There you go.” Spike said patting Twilight on the side not unkindly. Of all the people who had worried Twilight becoming an Alicorn would have wiped away her old habits, Spike had never been one of them.
But to their surprise Homer did not come down with a terminal case of multiple hat pins through the brain pan. Rather Rarity seemed to wrestle whatever hot violent impulses that were brewing inside her into submission and force her breathing back under control.
“Oh it’s nothing to concern yourself about Homer, in fact, why don’t you...keep the loofah? Think of it as a gift.” Rarity said in a calm if somewhat clipped tone of voice.
“Really? I mean I appreciate the offer but are you sure you don’t wanna keep it?” Homer asked.
“With every fiber of my being…” Rarity ground out through clenched teeth, her eye giving a few more twitches.
“Well okay if you’re sure. Thanks Rarity that’s really nice of you.” Homer said as they saw his silhouette resume slipping on his new clothes.
The sincerity in his voice seemed to take the edge off whatever Rarity was still feeling, as after one last sigh she spoke much more normal tone. “You are welcome dear, now once you are dressed do come out so we can take a look.”
With one last rustle of fabric Homer stepped out from behind the changing screen. Rarity had gone with an old design for a red military coat decorated with gold buttons and silver Epaulets on each shoulder. All that was missing was the long black hat and he would have looked right at home standing guard in front of Buckingham Palace.
“Well Homer what do you think?” Twilight asked as Homer turned and looked at himself in one of the full length mirrors.
Homer turned this way and that and let out a low whistle of appreciation. “Wow, I haven’t worn anything this fancy since I was in the Navy.”
“You were in the military?” Rarity asked with a touch of disbelief.
Homer started to answer when his brain gave the rest of him the metaphorical equivalent of an elbow to the ribs. Twilight already seemed pretty nervous about him meeting Princess Celestia, confessing to things like ‘hijacking a nuclear submarine’ and ‘accidentally launching your commanding officer out of a torpedo shaft’ didn’t seem like it would help her blood pressure.
“Uh...yes, but after a period of time it was decided that my talents lay elsewhere, so I was eventually let go with a document including the words ‘honorable discharge’.” To be fair this was technically true, after all you can’t spell ‘dishonorable’ without ‘honorable’.
Twilight started to ask something but stopped, sighed and muttered something under her breath that sounded a lot like ‘not enough hours in the day’. “Alright we should have just enough time to catch the train to Canterlot, but before we go Homer would you mind waiting outside with Spike for just a minute?”
As soon as both man and dragon had left the shop Twilight turned to Rarity. “Rarity I am so, so sorry about your loofah but I’m sure Homer didn’t mean t-”
Rarity held up a hoof to silence Twilight before she turned and trotted over to her couch. Lifting up one of the pillows with her magic, the unicorn took a deep breath and proceeded to let out a long muffled scream into said pillow.
Finally coming back up for air Rarity adjusted her mane and turned back to Twilight (who had just enough time to put away the stopwatch she had been checking at the moment). “Ah, much better.”
“In any case, Twilight don’t let it bother you too much. Generosity is a double edged sword, and even without meaning to people can take advantage of it at times. As long as Homer likes his new attire and it helps him make a good impression with Princess Celestia I can bear with the loss of a loofah.” Rarity said giving her a reassuring smile.
“Although,” The smile wavered and Rarity looked off into the distance as she gave a long sigh. “I do wish I could have spent just a bit more time with my beloved Fiery Passion.” Her eyes watered a bit her bottom lip quivering.
“You named your loofah?” Twilight asked arching an eyebrow.
There was an awkward silence following this before Rarity cleared her throat delicately. “Tell you what, I will continue not to judge you for experimenting on Homer’s unconscious body if you agree not to judge me for the relationships I may or may not have with my personal hygiene products. Deal?”
“Deal.” Twilight said without a trace of hesitation as she and Rarity shook hooves. “Alright well I better get Homer to Canterlot before anything else happens. I’ll be sure to give you and the girls an update as soon as we get back but thanks again Rarity!”
Twilight dashed out the door and following a brief muffled conversation Rarity heard all three of them leave for the train station. “I think I better make my rounds and warn the rest of the girls, I doubt any of them realize what we’re all in for…”