How To Train Your Batpony

by peter

Chapter 12 How not to marry a Prince part four

“Buck it!” Applejack swore viciously as she saw the slight bark damage on the tree she had just harvested. She shook her head violently to get her sweat-soaked mane out of her eyes, and to clear her head. This was plum foolish. The last time she’d been so clumsy as to damage a tree had been when she’d stubbornly worked herself into a walking coma trying to do both her and Big Mac’s farm chores. She blamed Granny Smith. Well, Granny, and a certain handsome older nocturne stallion she had not been able to get out of her mind since he’d surprised her in the guest bedroom. Both of them together were making her back half constantly think thoughts that her front half had decided to put off until later.

Applejack prided herself on being a down to the earth mare who didn’t have time for frippery and froth or to be mooning after stallions with hindquarters you could bounce a bit off and get change. But try as she might she simply could not get the blasted stallion out of her mind, and all because Granny Smith had gone and put notions into her head that she didn’t have time for. Yes, she knew she had a duty to the farm and the family to eventually produce the next generation of Apples, but that was a problem for future Applejack.

If she was honest with herself, and Applejack always was, it wasn’t a distasteful thought. But she didn’t have time right now. She wasn’t ready. She was still young. She still had time. But even as she thought that she couldn’t help but think that while she might have loads of time, Shadow Dash, while not on his last legs by any means, didn’t. If he was going to be a vital part of their foal’s lives into their own maturity, they’d have to start soon.

“And there I go again,” Applejack groaned as she rested her overheated head against the cool trunk of the tree. “The stallion teases me and I turn into a school filly who can’t stop imagining what our foals will look like.”

“Enough is enough!”  She orientated herself and set out a trot for a certain spring-fed pond that was notorious for its icy waters. She was going to wash that stud right out of her mind, even if she had to freeze off her niblets to do it.

“Damn bugs,” Shadow Dash swore as his ears twitched violently. “Somepony must be talking about me,” he muttered to himself, thinking about the old mares tale about itchy ears.

“Are you okay Shado— I mean, Drill Instructor?” Goose Down asked respectfully.

“Nothing that getting out of this flea-ridden monstrosity couldn’t cure.” All around the pair of Nocturne, the fabric walls of their little training hall rippled ominously.

Goose Down’s ear laid down flat and she fought the urge to wrap her wings around herself. She’d seen first hand what the tent could do, and the last thing she wanted was to have its ire aimed in her direction.

“Come on then, if you think you’re hard enough!” Shadow Dash taunted the fabric walls. He spread his wings defensively, revealing the glint of wingblades along the outermost tips.

The fabric around the doorway fluttered violently, making a very rude sound before going slack.

Shadow Dash gave a disgusted “Humph,” Giving the fabric walls a hard look he slipped off his wingblades and very carefully placed them into a small custom-designed case, which he set aside. Only when his lethal weaponry was safely stowed did he turn his attention back toward Goose Down. “I hear you dumped Optio Pumpernickel on his ass during your first day on the job. Impressed Princess Luna all to Tartarus.”

Goose’s mind promptly tried to go in two different directions. She felt proud that she’d gotten the best of a much more experienced guard, and in doing so had made a considerably favorable impression on Princess Luna. The problem was that she could not help but think how close she had been to employing the exact same maneuver on Princess Luna.

She had trained and practiced with her brothers and cousins so often that the reactions to certain attacks were more instinct than decisions. She had read the Royal Guard Manual cover to cover until her copy was shedding pages, and the frustration she had over her mental condition had been channeled into physical conditioning for so long that she had caught some of her cousins teasingly looking under her, as if to suggest that she was really a colt pretending to be a filly in order to toss them around the practice mat.

“Let me see how you did it,” Shadow Dash said before charging across the room at Goose.

Seeing her older brother charging at her just like all her practice sessions triggered her muscle memory and she effortlessly shifted into the counter she had used on Optio Pumpernickel. She took the step back, flowed into the twisting motion and—  

The room spun like a whirligig at the fair, and the floor of the tent smashed into her back like some giant padded club. Thankfully the tent had a good thick layer of carpet at her impact zone, or she would have been doing more than gasping for breath while flat on her back. The same impact on bare ground or the marble floors of the castle could have broken bones or at least hurt like blazes.

Shadow Dash’s smirking face swam into her field of vision, looking down at her with a slow shake of his head and the faintest hint of an unprecedented smile if she was not just imagining it in her current dazed state. Even the tent wall behind Shadow Dash seemed to have been stunned by the abrupt reversal, and from the way it was slowly twitching, Goose was afraid it might be about to take pre-emptive action. She weakly waved it off with a wing and it subsided, but it continued to ripple in discontent.

“Here’s the thing, Kite,” he started. “Lumpy got his nickname because he doesn’t like hurting other ponies. He’d rather take his lumps until they’re too exhausted to fight any more. All he wanted to do was to stop you from tossing Her Royal Highness, Our Dread Sovereign, across the floor and mussing her mane. If that meant taking his lumps, he would have let you throw him around all day. That won’t be the case with a real threat.”

Shadow Dash held out a hoof and helped a chagrined Goose back onto her hooves. “Now, don’t get me wrong, Kite. Pound for pound, you’re the strongest non-earth pony I know. And you’ve got a solid grounding in basic applied mayhem. But, the average male guard is at least twice your weight, and has years of experience sparring. You’re going to have to work hard, and learn how to use your unique advantages to the maximum.”

“I didn’t want to hurt you,” said Goose quietly.  “But, okay. I can do this.”

“That was never in doubt.” Shadow Dash said, just before he knocked her legs out from under her with a wing sweep that was too fast to be seen. “I was just apologizing in advance for the rest of the day.”

Other ponies might have quailed at the implications of her brother’s words. Goose just grinned.

Silver Spoon was a hunted pony. All over town, Diamond Tiara and her blank flank friends were shoving their muzzles into all her favorite haunts and asking if anypony had seen her. She had been forced to leave town and hide in the untamed wilderness where no real civilized pony ever dared set hoof.

A nearby scream caused her to jump, her heart pounding. Eyes wide, Silver Spoon scanned her surroundings, peeking out from inside the dilapidated structure she’d taken shelter in, only to discover it was just the Cake twins enjoying the play park with their foalsitter, Pinkie Pie. Her nerves shattered, she crawled into the darkest corner of the Ponyville Park Playhouse and Observation Platform and shivered in fear and guilt. All she had wanted was for Diamond Tiara to come back to her. How had everything gone so wrong?

Pinkie Pie held a hoof up to her mouth, “Shrishhh, Pink Pony here, crissshhhh, target spotted, shrishhh, old playpark, crisshhhh, top the P-pop, crisssshhh, over.” Pinkie looked up into the tree she was sitting under. “You get all that, Featherweight?”

Featherweight finished scribbling in his notebook and gave the party pony a hoofs up. “Got it, Pinkie Pie. I’ll get this right to Diamond Tiara.”

“Just one more thing.” Featherweight paused to listen to the suddenly serious Pinkie Pie, his wings fluttering in the air. “Breaking a promise is the best way to lose a friend. Forever!”

Silver Spoon was spooked out of her internal panic by the sound of grunting and groaning coming from the foal-sized tunnel leading into her refuge. Backing into a corner, she tried to make herself as small as possible. She held her breath and kept as quiet as possible while she hoped that it would just be a random foal passing through on their way to the slide.

It wasn’t.

“How in Celestia’s name did you make it up here?” Diamond Tiara grunted as she squeezed her way into the room with Silver Spoon. Her conditioning regime had improved her strength and flexibility, but it hadn’t shrunk her.

Looking a bit stunned by Diamond Tiara’s sudden appearance, Silver Spoon answered out of reflex, “I came up the cargo net.”

Diamond Tiara looked a bit flummoxed, but she was not the sort of pony to let a little embarrassment get in the way of a good rant. “What the buck do you think you’re doing, Silver?”

“Nice language.” Silver Spoon looked away from her ex-friend and considered the interesting qualities of a leaf fragment that had landed on the rail around the platform’s edge. “Did you learn that from your new friends? It’s the sort of thing I’d expect to hear from an ignorant farm pony.”

“Give it a rest, Silver Spoon. I was there when you stubbed your hoof last week. If your mother had heard you say those words she’d have washed out your mouth with saddle soap. Now give it back!”

Out of pure habit, earned by many a confrontation with her parental units, Silver Spoon blurted out, “What?”

“Don’t make me tell everyone about your crush on a certain pool pegasus who works for my daddy.”

“That’s low,” growled Silver Spoon. “I never would have thought you’d do that to me.”

“And I never thought you’d steal from our personal security stash. How could you?” There was real anguish in that question, and Silver Spoon cowered in the face of it.

“I had to take it. You refused to see reason, and it was the only thing I could think of to bring you around.”

“How in Equestria could you think stealing that old magic book would make me see reason?”

Silver Spoon’s brain tried to keep up with the sudden shift in expectations, but all it could come up with was, “I did what now?” ⁽¹⁾

⁽¹⁾Credit where credit is due. This was inspired by the hilarious Chapter 17 of Magic School Days.

The playground was filled with every single student from the school, who were all waiting eagerly to see the end results of their pony hunting afternoon. They gave a loud cheer as Diamond Tiara emerged and began scrambling down the cargo net, only to suck in a loud breath of anticipation when she stumbled and nearly fell off, winding up dangling by one leg and tangled in the ropes.

“She’s doomed!” called out one of the watchers. “Doomed I say!”

“Knock it off, you idiots!” called out Di as she swung back and forth from her trapped position.

“Come on,” encouraged Curry. “Let’s get her out of there before she falls.”

“She can touch the ground from where she is,” observed Scootaloo to nopony in particular as Curry began to scramble up the cargo net from the bottom, roughly at the same time Silver Spoon began to pick her way down from the top.

Silver Spoon gave Curry a venomous look as the two met in the middle and set about freeing the tangled filly. “Don’t think I’m going to let you get away with using Diamond Tiara as some type of pet, Snipe.”

“Wouldn’t expect anything else,” Curry replied cheerfully as she struggled to get some slack in the heavy ropes around Di’s leg.

Not deterred by her situation, Diamond Tiara looked upside down and backward at the crowd to shout, “We are so bucked! The Tower Twins have the book!”

Sweetie Belle burst into the Carousel Boutique – where every garment is chic, unique, and magnifique – panting for breath from getting there at a dead run. “Rarity, don’t—!” she yelled as loud as she could given her lack of wind, only to cut off at the flare of green flame, and the sight of a scroll turning to smoke and wafting away on the wind. “Dang. Missed it by that much,” she gasped.

Princess Celestia had been around for a long⁽*⁾ time. She was wise and gifted with a keen, well-honed intellect. When her long lost sister had been restored to her, she’d spent a lot of time imagining all the things that both she and Luna would have to deal with. Her record was very good. She had anticipated many of the difficulties that Luna had encountered, and taken preemptive steps to mitigate them. What she had not anticipated, not even in her worse case scenarios, was Luna channeling a hormonal teenage filly, flush with her first crush.

(*) Considered to be a much more delicate way of referring to her age than anything with numbers in it. Or commas.

It wasn’t that Celestia was unhappy with Luna’s choice of a potential herd sister. She couldn’t be more delighted. Twilight Sparkle was one of the very few ponies in Equestria who could stand on equal intellectual ground with Luna, and if Celestia’s hopes proved true, she would soon be even more so. It was a bit of a problem that both Luna and Twilight tended to extremes, mentally and physically. Hopefully, they would be able to find a stallion who was grounded enough, with a strong enough self-image, to cope with the pair of mercurial mares. No, Celestia couldn’t have been happier for two of her favorite ponies.

But, Luna’s mood swings were upsetting the entire castle routine.

Four days ago, Luna was literally dancing in the hallways, smiling at everypony she met and offering cheery greetings to one and all. Frankly, it had scared the Tartarus out of most of the staff. When Luna had literally waltzed her moon across the night sky Celestia had been forced to have a talk with her. Luna had moderated her behavior slightly but had still been prone to spontaneous giggles for no apparent reason. The staff was starting to look haunted. Poor Kibitz had dropped his clipboard when a maid had set a tray down a touch too loudly behind him just this morning. She had to have the poor stallion put to bed with a hot cup of cocoa and the full staff budgetary report (with optional appendices for the last five years) to soothe his frazzled nerves.⁽¹⁾

⁽¹⁾Unicorn servants liked a little light reading to wind down. Kibitz had his own definition of 'light.’

Luna had also started to spend an inordinate amount of time around Celestia. It wasn’t that Celestia minded her sister’s company. She welcomed it, but it didn’t seem like Luna was all that interested in Celestia so much as the messages she received. She’d be sitting quietly when she wasn’t fidgeting, only to come to a state of quivering alertness when the mail for the day was delivered. She would hover like a dog at the dinner table until Celestia had checked every last missive, and then retreat from the office with a heavy tread, only to come bouncing back into the room for the next postal call.

It would have taken somepony a lot less aware than Princess Celestia to not put two and two together. Luna was waiting for a message from Twilight, and it wasn’t coming.

Two days ago, Luna had gone into a decline. Her imitation of a filly on a sugar rush had shifted to one who had partied far too hard the night before, and then a day ago she had vanished into her bedchambers and had not been seen since.

A flare of green fire and the arrival of a scroll within it only warranted a slightly raised eyebrow from Princess Celestia. She’d had a lot of practice in not reacting to such messages. Despite her bland exterior, she was feeling happy anticipation. Messages from Twilight and her friends were her favorite way to end a long boring day of listening to ponies explain why she should abandon her policies of the last hundred years for ones that were more favorable to the pony in question. This was all the more true given the present circumstances. She really needed some good news and very much hoped that this would shed some light on the situation with her sister.

The contents of this message warranted a full fifteen-degree eyebrow lift. The very first thing she did after reading it was to slide open a magically locked drawer in her desk and make sure the contents were still present. Giving a relieved sigh that all was as it should be, she rolled up the scroll and idly tapped her nose with it. This explained so much, starting with the mystery of why Luna had seen fit to borrow her personal seal a few days ago, and why she had been so eager for the post ever since. With a slight tug of her magic, Celestia pulled out a large portfolio of some of Luna’s best nighttime skies from the shelf.

Sitting on the ledge behind the book was Luna’s sprite. The mischievous construct had first shown up in her office three days previously after her mistress had retired to her bed. It had gleefully danced here and there, up and down, always just on the edge of Celestia’s vision. It had led her own sprite a merry chase but had never engaged in actual interaction with either of them. It was as if its main goal had simply been to spy on Celestia while creating a certain amount of heightened anticipation. Celestia had at first felt it was a prelude to some sort of prank that would embarrass her, but with no idea when or if the sword would fall. But, barely a day after it first showed up, the sprite’s high spirits had dimmed, until as it was doing now, it simply sat in place, a woebegone expression on its tiny face as tears nearly as large as its head ran down its cheeks to splash in a tiny pool that had gathered around its hooves. Despite the size of the teardrops, the pool never increased in size or decreased for that matter.

Celestia scooped up the despondent sprite and set out for her sister’s bedroom. Enough was enough.

For the past day, and night, Luna had been sequestered in her room, buried under a mound of blankets and pillows and even going so far as to raise and lower her moon from the fabric ramparts she had created. She had refused any effort from her staff to cajole her out of her room and had declined to explain to her sister what was bothering her. Not that any explanation was needed. All but the dimmest of the castle inhabitants—meaning the nobles—were well aware that Luna was in love, if not with who. But how could Celestia tell Luna she was being an idiot to doubt Twilight if Luna didn’t first confess?

Celestia had been debating the best way to evict her sister from her fortress of flannel, but the arrival of the scroll had solved the mystery and offered a potential solution.

“I just received a very interesting letter from Rarity in Ponyville.”

The bundle of blankets heaved slightly, and a night-black horn poked out through the folds for all the world like the nose of an inquisitive mouse sniffing for danger. “Really?” could barely be heard through the many layers of cloth. Despite the muffled tones, there was a touch of hope in that word, but just a touch, as if Luna was afraid to get her hopes up yet again, only to have them dashed.

“Yes. It seems that a few days ago she signed for a parcel from me. The only problem was it went astray before she could direct it to the proper recipient, Twilight.”

Like a breaching whale, Luna surfaced. “Twilight never received my gift! She doesn’t think I am being too forward and is avoiding me?”

“You are an idiot! – Oh, thank goodness. I’ve been wanting to say that for days – Luna. Twilight would never cut off contact with you. She might agonize over how to broach the subject if she felt you were going too fast, but she would never, ever, just leave you hanging.”

“I thought I had scared her away,” Luna said in a miserable voice.

“The only thing Twilight fear would be that she might hurt your feelings. Now, what did you send her? And do you have another copy?”

“Starswirl’s student journal.”

“Ouch!” Celestia winced. While the notebook had no intrinsic value, the sentimental and historical value was enormous. Rarity was going to be devastated, and Twilight’s funk was going to make Luna’s recent behavior look like a toddler’s pout.

“How did it go missing?” Luna asked, a dangerous gleam in her eyes.

Celestia took in her sister’s martial attitude and gave thanks that she had the perfect means of derailing it. “Before we get into that. I take it that Twilight has had no word from you since you sent your present?”

For a moment Luna looked blank as her mind shifted gears. Then, her eyes went wide and her ears stood straight up in alarm. “She’ll think I have, what is the word, kicked her to the curb, after having my way with her!” Luna said in a panic.

“I would not have put it quite so extreme, but yes, I’m sure Twilight is wondering if anything is wrong.”

“Sister! I am heading for Ponyville!” Luna dashed from the room. Celestia counted backward from ten and had reached four by the time Luna dashed back into the room and began looking frantically for her shoes, which she eventually discovered in four different locations, one of which was embedded in the wall.