Derpy quivered and let out a high sigh. Her rear legs started to shake and grow weak. At the same time, her wings involuntarily extended.
“Oh, Doctor Horse!” she gasped.
Doctor Horse the horse doctor was standing behind her, and he looked distinctly uncomfortable. “Is something wrong, Ms. Doo?”
“Not wrong, exactly…” Derpy smacked her lips. “But I’m pretty sure I can taste your gloves. Are they…bubblegum?”
Dr. Horse emitted a distinctly horse-like noise of surprise. “Oh my,” he said. “My apologies, but I’m almost done.”
“No, no, take your time. I like bubblegum. It tastes bubblegummy.”
It only took him a few more seconds to complete his diagnostic task. He then righted himself, leaning back and removing his shoulder-length rubber glove. Derpy let out a tiny gasp as he did, which made him deeply uncomfortable.
“You did quite well, Ms. Doo. Most mares don’t tolerate that nearly as well as you did. There’s usually quite a bit more screaming.”
“Screaming?” Derpy chuckled. “Oh, no, doctor, I’d NEVER do that! After all, I’ve gotten used to it.”
Dr. Horse’s eyes widened. “You…have?”
“Oh yes. I’ve had a lot of practice.”
“Well…um…yes,” stammered the doctor, looking at his patient’s chart and trying not to dwell on what she had just told him. This was a legitimate test for horse doctors, after all, albeit an unpleasant one- -but it was infinitely more unpleasant when the mare enjoyed it.
“Did you find what you were looking for?” Derpy paused. “Actually, I lost an eggbeater recently. And a spoon. And a small rock out of my garden. Did you find those?”
“We can address that later,” said the doctor. He smiled at her. “But I did discover the cause of your condition.”
Derpy gasped, suddenly looking terrified. Her butt was still up in the air, facing him, but she quickly turned around and sat on the examination table. “It isn’t swamp fever, is it?”
“What? No, of course not- -”
“Oh, good!” Derpy looked immensely pleased. “I’m so glad! I’d hate to turn into a swamp! It sounds damp!”
“That’s not what it does. You’d be a tree, not a swamp- -”
Derpy frowned. “Well that’s stupid.” She suddenly gasped gain. “Oh no! Is it equine encephalitis?”
“No- -”
“Equine encephalosis?”
“No, that would be very rare- -”
“Strabismus?”
“Well, yes, but we already knew that- -”
“Chicken Gunya?”
“That’s ‘chikungunya’, and no- -”
“Glanders?”
“Are you dead?”
Derpy gasped. “AM I?!”
“NO! You’re PREGNANT!” cried the doctor, finally losing his patience. That was something he was not used to; no doctor ever grew accustomed to losing his patients.
Derpy stared at him for a moment. She seemed to be processing what he had just said, with one eye looking at him and the other seeming to contemplate the nearby jar of tongue depressors. Then, suddenly, she squealed with joy, clapping her hooves to the side of her face.
“I’m PREGGERS?!”
Doctor Horse cleared his throat. “Yes, your constellation of symptoms does seem to be indicative of it. And the uterine palpitation confirms my suspicions. Congratulations!”
“Oh, thank you doctor! I’m so happy!” She giggled, but then her mirth seemed to fade. A look of cold realization came to her face, and a dark shadow seemed to cover it. Doctor Horse did not like the look of that expression. It made him very sad, although he did not consciously know why.
“How…how far along am I?”
“Two months at most. I was able to detect the fetus but without an ultrasound, I do not yet know the sex or race.”
“I…I can’t afford an ultrasound.”
Doctor Horse nodded. He suddenly understood the dread that had contaminated the mare’s happiness. He flipped through the chart, not really looking at it but pretending to. “I see. Well, it is important to know the race of the child. Cross-racial pairings can lead to…complications. It is why interracial mating is very rarely performed.” He looked up at her over the chart. “It would help if we could know who the father is.”
Derpy looked back at him, and then looked away. Doing so was not hard, because half of her face was already doing that anyway. “I…I don’t know who the father is…”
“I see,” said Doctor Horse, after a moment. “Well, as unfortunate as that is, there’s no reason to be ashamed. We’ll do our best to take care of you.” Assuming you can pay, of course, was the next part. Healthcare was not free in Equestria. It was actually quite expensive, and Doctor Horse knew that there was no way the town muffin mare could afford it.
“Thank you, doctor.” Derpy pressed her hooves against her belly. “But…I don’t know. Maybe it’s dumb, but I kind of like the surprise.”
Doctor Horse smiled. “I suppose that is something,” he admitted. “He or she could be a Pegasus like you, or an earth-pony, or even a unicorn I suppose, but that would be almost impossible.”
“My other daughter is a unicorn.”
Doctor Horse gasped. “You have ANOTHER daughter?”
Derpy pointed. At the chart. “I thought you were reading that?”
The doctor sputtered and set the chart down. He made a mental note to yell at a nurse later.
Derpy suddenly gasped. “Maybe it’s a GRIFFON!”
Doctor Horse winced and looked up, sure that she was joking- -until she saw her face. The look of joyful seriousness was terrifying, if only because of what it implied.
“You- -you didn’t- -did you- -”
“I just LOVE griffon COCKS!”
Doctor Horse nearly fainted. She had yelled it loud enough for the whole hospital to hear, but to him, it sounded as though she were on the far side of a hill. Sure, if the child she was carrying was actually that sort of half-breed, he would have one heck of a case report to present at the next annual Horse Doctor’s meeting in Canterlot, but he did not think he had the stomach for it. Not at all.
“You…do?”
“And the hens too,” admitted Derpy. Then, whispering, “but not as much, they’re mean sometimes.”
Doctor Horse blinked. “Excuse me? Hens?”
Derpy nodded. “Lady griffons are called ‘hens’, and the boys are called ‘cocks’. Unless they’re little baby griffons, then they’re ‘pullets’ or ‘cockerels’. Or chicks if they’re just little chirpy-babies. All featherless and blind and expecting their mommies to vomit in their mouths…” Derpy sighed and tilted her head, reflecting on how cute baby griffons were. She hoped she was having a griffon.
“Oh…oh!” Doctor Horse laughed at his own foolishness. “Of course, of course. I knew that!”
“Yeah,” said Derpy. “I just love griffons! They’re like cute puffy birds on the front, and adorable kitties on the back!” She lifted her front legs and spread them as wide as they could go. “And on the cat side, the boy griffons have MASSIVE- -”
“I do not need to know!” shrieked Doctor Horse, suddenly clapping his hooves over his ears. “I’M NOT A VETERNARIAN!”
Derpy stared at him, confused. “You’re not?” She looked around, her expression falling. “Oh no…did I go to the wrong doctor again?” She looked at him. “You’re not a dentist, are you?”
“Was my hoof in your mouth a moment ago?”
“Almost.” Derpy shrugged. “I don’t know medical stuff, doc. Maybe you’re just a really bad dentist.”
Doctor Horse sighed. He was almost glad that she did not have enough money for any follow-up visits.