"And just how do you plan to do anything to me?" she asked with a smug grin, "You're in there, chained to a wall; while I am out here with items you should not have in your possession."
"You broke into my hotel room and stole items that do not belong to you."
"They don't belong to you either. I've told you Apollo, only I can have the monster's items, as only I can work out what they are."
"They do belong to me."
"Really? Because they look remarkably similar to the monster's items."
"Maybe because he gave them to me."
Damn my big mouth.
Again.
Twilight reacted as expected. She launched herself at the door and angrily snarled through it.
"YOU'VE BEEN IN CONTACT WITH THE MONSTER?!"
I might as well answer her, and troll her in the process.
"Maybe."
"You will tell me everything, or you will remain here!"
"I will tell you nothing. Also, Cuthbert has no authority to do this to me."
"Yes he does, and his name is Captian Shining Armor!"
"No he doesn't. He's a member of the Girl Guides- sorry I mean the Royal Guard, he has no authority to make an arrest or detain any citizen. He's overstepped his authority in this manner and you have openly admitted to stealing another's possessions."
"I confiscated items, there's a difference."
"You stole them. You have no authority to take the possessions of another person. And I fully intend to press charges against you and your stick-up-his-arse brother including but not limited to theft, false arrest, false imprisonment and harassment."
Twilight rolled her eyes, "None of those actions have been committed against you. You were lawfully arrested for breaching the peace and consuming alcohol after hours."
"Your brother was the one who was doing the shouting, and drinking 'after hours' isn't illegal. Buying them is."
"That's exactly what you did!"
"No, we paid up front before lock-up so we could have our drinks afterwards. Technically, we did not break the law."
"Whatever, you've still broken enough laws to see that you spend several years in prison."
"An Equestrian prison?"
"Yes. Perhaps a stint in one of our prisons would straighten you out. Conditions are tough and brutal and you will learn to behave yourself," she said with smug confidence.
I just burst out laughing.
"Y-you th-think that.."
I couldn't talk more as my laughter had me rolling on the floor with laughter, or at least as much as my chains would allow.
"I fail to see what is so amusing," Twilight replied, "Equestrian prisons are not nice places to be. You have curfew, only one day per week to spend in the community, mandatory lessons on how to be a better pony and be more accepting of friendship, playing games to force you to be open and NOT KEEP SECRETS....you would break quickly, and even more quickly become a model Equestrian pony."
"Oh Twilight," I said having managed to calm my laughing down, "Russian prisons are brutal, what you just described sounds more like a holiday camp."
"Then enlighten me, what are Russian prisons like?"
"Well, I've never been to one, but I'll tell you about a Russian prison known as Black Dolphin. It holds hundreds of the most dangerous and violent criminals in all of Russia including rapists, child molesters, murderers, cannibals and terrorists. Prisoners at Black Dolphin are prisoners for life. The only way they leave is in a wooden box."
Twilight was beginning to look a little pale.
Good.
"When prisoners are being escorted around by guards, prisoners have their heads forced down to prevent them getting a bearing of their surroundings and working out an escape plan. Prisoners are transported to a large cage for exercise for ninety minutes a day, while they're exercising the guards search the cells for illegal items and contraband; and prisoners are kept under twenty four hour surveillance."
Hang on a minute.....has Twilight always had pale fur?
"Prisoners are not permitted to sit down or lie down from the moment they are awoken to the moment they go back to bed and guards check every fifteen minutes to make sure inmates comply with the rules. And the only food they have is soup four times a day. Prisoners are only permitted books, newspapers and a radio and whenever a prison officer gives them an order, they have to answer with 'Yes, Sir'."
Twilight was visibly shaking.
Is it just Twilight that's this fragile? It doesn't seem to take much to get her on the verge if pissing herself.
"So," I continued, "You think your cushy sounding prisons are anything compared to Russian prisons?"
"We are far more civilised than wherever you come from," she replied shakily, "We would never treat ponies in that manner."
"No, only humans it seems."
She suddenly stopped shaking and looked at me inquisitively, "Humans?"
"The creature you chased and attacked over a misunderstanding."
Twilight snarled aggressively and launched herself towards me, only being stopped by the wrought iron bars.
"A MISUNDERSTANDING?! THAT MONSTER ATTACKED RAINBOW DASH!! EVERYTHING WE DID WAS JUSTIFIED!! AND I WANT TO KNOW HOW YOU KNOW THE MONSTER!! ARE YOU HIDING IT?! ANSWER ME!!!!"
Wow.
Twilight can get really pissy when she doesn't get her own way.
"I don't have to tell you anything," I replied calmly, "You're deranged, unhinged, irrational...."
"I am not any of those things!"
"All you can do is call the human a 'monster', steal his possessions and get rid of anyone who tries to prove you wrong or do something you can't do yourself."
"Like what?!" she snarled.
"For starters, I don't conform to any of your namby pamby pony ways and I know something you don't."
"I doubt it."
"I know how to use the humans' equipment."
Twilight snorted, "Yeah, sure you do."
"I will be getting that stuff back."
"No you won't."
"Yes I will."
"No you won't. It belongs to me now, and so what if I had to break into your hotel room to get them. They should be in my possession where they can be kept from nosy ponies who don't know what they do."
"Like you?"
"I'm different. I have the intelligence to work out what it does and determine the threat they pose."
"How do you know they're a threat if you don't know what they are?"
"Because I am an educated mare. I wouldn't expect a stallion to be academically knowledgeable on any matter requiring serious, critical thought. All stallions I've met only do menial, manual labour. It's all they're good for really."
"That would be because there's misandrist bitches like you who delude themselves into thinking mares are superior, and therefore can do more complex tasks."
"I'm not a misandrist, I'm just stating facts. Mares are more intelligent than stallions."
"Yet you still haven't worked out what the creatures items do, and I possess a Masters Degree in Aeronautical and Aerospace Engineering."
"Probably a forgery more like, or you just gave the mare chancellor a good rutting to get one."
"Actually the Chancellor of Leeds University when I went there was a stallion."
"So you're a colt-cuddler then?"
"You say that like you have a problem with same-sex relationships."
"I don't have to answer to that. Besides, I doubt he was a real Chancellor. The mare chancellor probably just gave him the title to make him feel special."
There was a few more seconds of silence as we stared each other down, trying to force the other to look away. Soon though, I broke the silence and once more stated an irrefutable truth.
"I am having those items back, Twilight."
"No you're not."
"Yes I am."
"No you're not."
"YES. I. AM."
"NO! YOU'RE! NOT!
"Yes he is!"
That wasn't my voice.
Looking over to where the voice came from, I looked over and past Twilight and saw two police ponies approach.
"Mr Apollo, I presume?"
"Yes," I replied, "Who are you?"
"I am Chief Inspector Fair Justice and my colleague here is PC Red Tape. I came here personally inform you that you are to be released immediately."
He turned to his junior colleague and nodded. The PC walked over to the cell and unlocked the door, and after entering the cell he walked over to me and unlocked the chains holding me to the wall. Free once more, I followed the PC out of the cell. Twilight was incredulous.
"What do you think you are doing?!" she screamed, seemingly oblivious as to whom she was speaking to, "This unicorn is dangerous and harbours dangerous monsters!"
"Enough Miss Sparkle! You are in enough trouble as it is."
Oh boy, this is getting interesting.
"What are you talking about?"
"Myself and my colleague just heard you confess to breaking into the hotel room of Mr Apollo. As it turns out, myself and my colleague were actually at the hotel just now, taking statements from the porter on duty after reporting a break in. I must say, I am deeply shocked that the personal student of Princess Celestia would be the one who broke in and stole private property."
An unrepentant Twilight stood defiant, "I did what was necessary to protect ponies from possible danger."
"That is our job Miss Sparkle, not yours."
The Chief Inspector nodded once more to his subordinate who walked over and promptly slapped some hoof cuffs onto Twilights forelegs.
"What are you doing?" Twilight asked with a shaky voice.
"Twilight Sparkle," Fair Justice said, "I am placing you under arrest for breaking and entering and theft of private property. You do not have to say anything, but it may harm your defence if you do not mention when questioned something which you later rely on in court. Anything you do say may be given in evidence."
My items were taken from Twilight who was pushed into, ironically, the same cell I had just occupied.
"You can't do this! I haven't done anything wrong!"
"Yes we can, and yes you did. We heard you admit to such."
"So what, you can't prove I said it!"
"Actually we can, you see these crystals on our chests? They record everything we see and do."
Watching Twilight's face droop down into one of hopelessness and despair was one of the most satisfying things I had ever seen.
The Chief Inspector turned to me. He was about to say something but a noise from the adjacent room caught our attention. From the sound of things it sounded like some ponies were walking our way.
It was Cuthbert.
"Chief Inspector," Cuthbert said, "I heard you wanted to....."
Cuthbert stopped when he saw me standing next to the Chief Inspector, and Twilight in a cell.
"Why is my sister locked up? Is this stallion responsible?" he asked, snaring angrily my way.
"Your sister is under arrest for multiple crimes, and this stallion is innocent of any wrongdoing."
"How can you say that?" Cuthbert asked, "This stallion is the law breaker, not my sister! You will release her, and lock him up at once!"
"You have no authority here, Captain."
"Yes I do!"
"No, you don't. In fact, you do not have powers of arrest on civilians. Nor did you have authority to use this police station to falsely incarcerate this citizen."
"What are you trying to say?"
"Captain Shining Armor, I am placing you under arrest for false arrest, false imprisonment, trespass of police property, unauthorized use of police property and breaching the peace."
"Now you listen here-" Cuthbert began to reply, pointing a threatening hoof at the Chief Inspector.
"Silence!" bellowed the Chief.
With yet another nod from the Chief Inspector, the PC moved to hoof cuff Cuthbert. As I expected, he resisted and drew his sword and in the process caught the cheek of the PC.
Weather it was intentional or not is irrelevant.
Cuthbert had just assaulted a police officer.
If the police in Equestria are anything like the police back home, assaulting police officers is usually an ill-advised thing to do.
It may result in acquiring a few bruises and broken bones.
Immediately upon seeing the blood, the Chief Inspector blew the whistle on his chest; and age old way of calling for back up. Cuthbert meanwhile, seemed shocked that scraping a sharp pointy thing along something such as flesh, could result in blood being drawn. He just stood there and began babbling.
"B-b-but I-I d-didn't...."
He didn't get time to mull over his stupidity any more as very quickly the door burst open and in poured around half a dozen armed police officers who, upon seeing their bloodied colleague and the blooded sword in the magical grip of the Captain of the Royal Guards, quickly deduced what had happened.
The Chief Inspector spoke up, "Put this stallion in chains and confiscate his sword and armour. He has just added assault of a police officer and resisting arrest to his list of charges."
The armed back up complied and within a minute, Cuthbert was disarmed and all of his armour removed. He didn't put up any fight at all this time as he was lead into a cell away from Twilight, and chained securely to a wall.
After several minutes, things had calmed down. All the time I had just stood to the side and witnessed everything.
Though it's not the first time I've seen a stuck up prick assault a copper though.
Hearing the clopping of hooves I looked over to see the Chief Inspector approach.
"Mr Apollo, a word?"
"Sure."
I followed him to his office and he closed the door, giving us some privacy. He walked over to his desk and sat down, switching the desk lamp on, providing a little light to the room.
"Please, sit," he said.
I sat myself down on the chair opposite and waited for him to start talking.
I don't know what he wanted to talk about in private though.
"Mr Apollo, first I would like to apologise for the treatment you have endured this evening. You have been a victim of theft and abuse of authority in one night."
"Well I've been abused quite a bit since I came to Equestria."
"Indeed," replied the Chief, "Your incident with Applejack for instance."
"Yes."
"And then there's the incident with Rainbow Dash."
What?
"What incident?" I asked, feigning ignorance.
The Chief Inspector looked at me with a cold, calculating gaze that told me he knew more than he let on, "When you first arrived in Equestria......Vladimir Kuznetsov."
Is there anyone in Equestria, apart from Twilight Kleptomaniac Sparkle and Flapjack, that doesn't know who I am?
"I don't know what you're-"
"Princess Celestia informed me of the situation. All police officers with the rank of Chief Inspector and above are aware of your situation."
"Apparently Cuthbert isn't."
"Cuthbert? Oh you mean Captain Shining Armor."
"How does he not know?"
"I don't know, you'd have to ask the Princess."
"Well, if he doesn't know now; then I won't be telling him."
"Well we certainly won't. We're under strict orders not to disclose the information to any who do not need to know."
"Fair enough. What did you want to discuss though?"
"The return of your property. Even though you're now a pony, they're still yours."
I was about to point out Twilight's incessant pestering and likelihood of stealing them back off of me....again. He seemed to realise what I was thinking and quickly continued speaking.
"Don't worry about Miss Sparkle. As Chief Inspector I could have these items legally conferred to you, even though you already own them. It would simply state from a legal standpoint that they are yours, that you legally took possession of items that weren't yours previously. Even though they were in this case."
"I understand what you mean, if it means Twilight not being able to take them back off of me. Anything else?"
"No, but I would like you to come back tomorrow so we can take a statement as to the events of earlier."
"Sure thing. Goodnight Chief Inspector."
"Goodnight Mr Kuznetsov, don't forget about your items."
"What about the ones on Twilight's basement?"
"My officers went to retrieve them whilst we have been talking. They'll be waiting for you at your hotel."
"Great. Goodnight."
"Goodnight."
I walked out of the police station, hearing the quiet sobs of Twilight as I did and her mumbling something about 'Magic Kindergarten'.
Why she thinks she'll keep getting sent back there is beyond me.
Anyway I collected my gear and walked out into the fresh air once again. Looking at the clock tower I saw it was about 3AM. Absolutely knackered and wanting the rest of my gear back, I headed back to my hotel and as the Chief told me, uniformed officers were waiting for me.
As I approached they stood aside revealing the rest of my gear in one of the officer's magical grip.
It took everything I had to not jump for joy right then.
I had to remain calm until my gear was safely back in my hooves.
"Good evening Mr Apollo," said one of the officers as I approached.
"Good evening officer," I replied happily.
"Here are your items sir, returned to you as ordered by the Chief Inspector."
He levitated them over to me and I took them out of his magic grip and into my own.
"Thank you."
"Good night sir," they said as they began to leave.
"Good night."
I quickly went back inside, taking my key from the night porter and went back up to my room. Putting them down on the desk, my ordeal had left me famished. I walked over to the fridge for some of the pastries I bought the other day, only to discover to my horror.....
"That thieving little bitch ate the rest of my Yum-Yums!"
*PERSPECTIVE SHIFT*
THE FOLLOWING MORNING
The sun was shining brightly into the dining hall where Celestia, Luna and Cadence were enjoying their breakfasts.
"I wonder how Shining Armour is getting along," Cadence said, "He left late last night."
"For what reason?" asked Celestia.
"Something about a stallion causing problems in Ponyville. I think his name was Apollo."
Celestia couldn't help but groan, "What has my little pony done now?"
"You know of this stallion auntie?"
"I do. I would tell you more but I promised otherwise."
"Fair enough. But what can you tell me?"
"He's from a country called Russia, a land far away and very different from our own. And in some ways, very similar."
"What is he like?"
"He has a tendency to say things before thinking them through, and lands himself in trouble in the process."
"Do you know of this stallion, Auntie Luna?"
"We do. He's a rather clever little colt."
"Do you know if he's seeing anypony?"
Celestia couldn't help but giggle, "It's just like you Cadence to be concerned for the love life of a pony."
Cadence blushed, "Well, I am the Princess of Love. I'd like to meet this stallion, he sounds interesting."
"I'm sure we could arrange something," Celesta replied, "I must admit though, he is quite adorable."
"You sound a little infatuated with him auntie."
"Just an old mare with an interest in an interesting little colt."
Just then the door opened and in walked a Solar Guard Lieutenant, looking worse for wear. He approached the table and removed his helmet, bowing respectfully to his rulers.
"Your majesties, I have information that requires your attention."
"Lieutenant Photon," Celestia said, "Rise and give us your report."
"Yes ma'am," he replied, standing up, "I have been informed that Captain Shining Armor is currently under arrest and incarcerated in Ponyville Police Station, under charges of breaching the peace, false arrest, false imprisonment, unauthorised use of police equipment and property, resisting arrest and assault of a police officer."
The three princesses could only sit with their mouths open in shock.
Until Luna burst into laughter.
"'Tis marvellously hilarious!"
Celestia rolled her eyes at her sister's unprofessional reaction and turned her attention back to Photon, "Inform Ponyville Police station that I will be visiting later. You're dismissed."
Photon didn't move.
Instead he only looked more nervous.
"Is there something else, my little pony?"
Photon only rubbed his neck uncomfortably.
"It's OK," Celestia said in as soothing and comforting tone as she could, "You can tell me. I won't be mad."
"Captain Armor was not the only pony arrested last night. One other also, was arrested on charges of breaking and entering and theft."
"Who is this pony?"
Photon was very reluctant to answer. His reluctance caught Luna's attention, now she had stopped laughing. Celestia motioned for Cadence to try and reassure Photon.
Cadence got up from her seat and walked over to the nervous Lieutenant, and placed a reassuring hoof on his shoulder.
"Don't be nervous Lieutenant, you are merely delivering a report. There's no reason for you to feel nervous. What is the name of this other pony?"
Photon took in a deep breath and exhaled through his nose, preparing himself for a possibly heated response. His silence however was beginning to test even Celestia's patience.
"Lieutenant Photon," she said firmly and beginning to scowl, "Who is the other pony?"
Photon looked his princess in the eye and readying himself for anything, answered the princess.
"Twilight Sparkle."
Celestia and Cadence could only stand stock still with their jaws in the floor. Luna meanwhile, burst into a belly laugh that would curl your hair.