Homer in Equestria: The Less Than Epic Saga
By Barry the Brony
After wrapping things up at the castle, the girls began to go their separate paths as the day was drawing to a close. Applejack needed to get back to Sweet Apple Acres to make sure things were ready for the next Zap Apple harvest, Rarity would need to pull an all-nighter to get her orders done on schedule, Rainbow Dash was planning on running some flight drills in the morning, and Fluttershy had to get back to her cottage before Angel changed the locks...again.
Wishing the others goodnight, Twilight and Pinkie Pie flanked Homer on either side as they reached Sugarcube Corner bakery just as the first stars started coming out. It was a marvel of design, meant to resemble a sugar frosted gingerbread house with an additional two floors above the shop in the shape of a double layered cupcake. There were even three large candles illuminated by enchanted lamplights on top of the highest point, like a lighthouse guiding wayward sailors home.
“Uh, Homer you okay? You’re kind of...salivating.” Twilight said as she watched the steady trickle of drool run down Homer’s chin, his eyes glazed over in awe of what could only be described as a monument to all things sugary and/or covered in chocolate. For someone with as big a sweet tooth as him, it was akin to standing in the shadow of the Notre Dame Cathedral.
“Oh let him take in the view Twilight, I was the same way when I first saw the bakery. Though hopefully he won’t make the same mistake I did and think the walls are actually made out of chocolate and take a big bite out of a load bearing wall.” Pinkie said this as though somehow this was a common mistake.
“Wait you did what?” It wasn’t so much that Pinkie Pie had done it in the first place that surprised Twilight, rather it was the fact none of her friends had ever bothered to mention this casual act of devourment of public property until just this moment.
“Well duh! Why do you think I started working here in the first place? Mr. and Mrs. Cake let me stay with them as long as I worked here to pay them back for the damages, and by the time I worked my debt off I was having so much fun spreading smiles with baked goods I just took on the job full time!”
Rather then comment further on this, Twilight turned to homer and cast a quick spell causing a tiny spark to flare in front of his eyes snapping him out of his trance.
“Huh? What? Hey why’s the front of my shirt wet?”
Twilight sighed. “Let’s just get him inside before somepony sees him and start screaming about the ‘yellow giant salivating for their flesh’.”
The bell over the door jingled merrily as they walked in, followed by Pinkie Pie bouncing in and loudly proclaiming. “Wheeeeeere’s my little Egg Whites?” In a sing-song tone. There was a soft couple of coos and giggles before two of the most adorable creatures ever conceived by Hasbro crawled in from the other room on all fours.
“Pinkie!”
“Pie!”
Pumpkin the unicorn, and Pound the pegasus, crawled forward eager to see their favorite aunt babbling in excitement. Scooping them up Pinkie gave each of them a faceful of smooches and nuzzles. “Ooh did you miss your auntie Pinkie Pie? She sure missed you! Yes she did, yes she did!”
Twilight gave a warm smile as she watched Pinkie embrace the twins, but when she looked at Homer she was surprised to see an expression of deep longing on his face. It was hard not to look at the cute little infant ponies and not be forcibly reminded of just how far away his own children were. Homer thought of little Maggie and felt a sharp pain in his heart that had nothing to do with high cholesterol.
Seeing the look on Homer’s face, Pinkie sat on her hind legs and cradled Pumpkin in her hooves. “You wanna hold Pumpkin for a sec Homer?” Homer’s eyes grew huge as he couldn’t nod fast enough. Giggling she turned to the little unicorn batting at her hair. “Pumpkin, this is my new friend Homer, he may be big but he’s a real sweetie, so no need to be scared okay?”
Pumpkin’s sky blue eyes peered up at the yellow colossus even as she nommed on Pinkie’s hair. Letting go of it with a soft little pop she tilted her head to the side before lifting her arms and giving a coo. “Homah!”
‘Damn it Simpson, you will not start crying in front of the ponies, you will NOT start crying in front of the ponies!’ Homer knelt down and as Twilight and Pinkie watched wrapped his fingers around Pumpkin’s waist and with surprising care lifted her up by the waist. “Hey there little guy.”
“Uh Homer? That’s a girl.” Twilight pointed out with a flat expression.
“D’OH!” Pumpkin giggled at the silly noise the big yellow giant made. Homer balanced her on his arm with one hand supporting her back holding her to his chest as she started to reach for his face. “Heh-heh, cute little thing isn’t she?”
Homer paused noticing Pumpkin was suddenly making an odd face. “Whoop, I know that look.” Putting her to his shoulder he gave her a gentle pat on the back prompting a tiny burp. “Not bad kid, but lemme show you how it’s really done.”
Homer shifted Pumpkin to the side a little, put the side of his fist to his chest, and suddenly let loose a belch better suited to some prehistoric apex predator then a human being. Pumpkin was absolutely delighted, squealing and clapping her hooves.
Twilight on the other hand was absolutely mortified. “Homer just because a baby has to burp doesn’t mean you should do it too just to show off!” She chided before shooting a sideways look at Pinkie, noticing that both she and Pound were each holding up scorecards with 10’s scribbled on them. “You’re not helping.”
“Pinkie is that you dear?” Mrs. Cake, the doughy looking blue earth pony who owned the bakery along with her husband, walked in with a soft smile on her face, only to freeze like a deer in the headlights as she saw Homer blowing raspberries on Pumpkin’s stomach.
Now, between the incidents involving Zecora and Princess Luna during the Poison Joke Incident and the first Nightmare Night since her return respectively, it’s become well established that the citizens of Ponyville are a bit quick to jump to conclusions. So when Mrs. Cake saw her only daughter in the clutches of a hulking, drooling yellow beast, her reaction, while unfortunate, was not without precedent.
“LET GO OF MY DAUGHTER THIS INSTANT HELLSPAWN!!”
Homer looked up just in time to see Mrs. Cake bearing down on him full speed giving a battle cry worthy of a certain warrior princess. This time hardly anyone could blame him for screaming bloody murder.
“Twilight, Pinkie go long!” Homer quickly tossed Pumpkin up in the air, giggling as she was enveloped in a nimbus of Twilight’s magic long before she could hit the floor. A second later Homer was knocked off his feet as Mrs. Cake plowed right into him like a pink and blue cannonball.
Homer and Mrs. Cake rolled around on the floor as he did everything in his power to hold her back as she bit and punched at anything she could reach. While the human might have had a size and weight advantage the Cakes, like all earth ponies, made up for the absence of wings or horns with sheer brute strength. As a result it wasn’t long before Homer was requesting a technical assist.
“TWILIGHT! PINKIE!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DO SOMETHING! SHE’S GOING FOR THE CROTCH! SHE’S GOING FOR THE CROTCH!!!”
Twilight blanched and handed off Pumpkin to Pinkie Pie, who along with Pound were watching the unfolding melee with an odd fascination. It was difficult to line up the images of the sweet little baker they knew and that of the mare that was currently worrying at Homer’s leg like a dog going after a rawhide bone.
With considerable difficulty Twilight managed to pry Mrs. Cake off of Homer and levitated her in midair as she growled and flailed her hooves trying to get ahold of Homer again. “Mrs. Cake! Mrs. Cake it’s okay Homer’s not going to hurt the twins!” She sighed and drew in a breath.
“MRS. CAKE STAND DOWN!!” It wasn’t a perfect approximation of the Royal Canterlot Voice, but it held no room for argument. It seemed to do the trick, as Mrs. Cake seemed to snap out of her state of maternal fury and shake her head as if coming out of a trance.
“Huh? What? Oh hello Twilight I didn’t know you were here...now, why am I floating three feet in the air?” She blinked only just now noticing she was wrapped up in Twilight’s magic.
“Well call me old fashioned, but I didn’t think taking a bite out of someone would make for the best impression to a potential houseguest.” Twilight deadpanned.
Mrs. Cake blinked again. “House-guest?” She took a closer look at Homer who was hiding behind Pinkie Pie as if somehow the pony at best a third his size was sufficient cover. “So, he’s not another monster escaped from Tartarus?”
“Nope.”
“And he’s not looking to devour my children?”
“Uh-uh.”
“Oh...oh dear…” Mrs. Cake’s pupils shrank as her face went beet red in embarrassment. “Oh sweet Celestia I am so, so sorry Mr, um…”
“Simpson.”
“Mr. Simpson, is there anything I can do to even begin to make it up to you?”
Homer sat up and narrowed his eyes at her making her cringe as Twilight set her down. “It depends.”
“Uh, y-yes?”
“Is that chocolate bundt cake in that display behind you?” Homer pointed.
Mrs. Cake took a look behind her and then back at him as the wheels started turning in her head. “...If it is and I said I have three more in the kitchen just like it, would you be so kind as to not press charges?”
“Done and done.”
There was an audible sigh of relief from three mares and incessant giggling from two thoroughly entertained infants. Then from somewhere over their heads came the voice of Mr. Cake.
“SWEETIE, IS EVERYTHING OKAY! I HEARD YELLING, DO I NEED TO GET THE FLAIL?”
“FALSE ALARM DEAR!” Mrs. Cake hollered back as Homer, Pinkie and Twilight exchanged wide eyed looks with each other.
They could just make out Mr. Cake dragging something heavy across the floor above them followed by a disappointed sigh. “Oh I never get to use this thing.”
A few minutes later after applying first aid where needed everyone had gathered at the kitchen table and watched as Homer began to eat his promised cakes. He wielded his fork and knife like weapons of war, carving up enormous pieces and wolfing them down with the efficiency of a wood chipper.
“Are we sure he’s even tasting it?” Mr. Cake whispered to his wife as Homer polished off his second bundt cake, which was immediately replaced by cakes number three and four courtesy of Pinkie who balanced the dirty dishes on her head as she took them to the sink.
“I’m honestly not sure he’s even stopping to take a breath,” Mrs. Cake admitted under her breath, watching the carnage unfold with a mixture of fear and awe before she raised her voice. “Is everything alright Homer? I hope you’re enjoying it, I really can’t stress how sorry I am for before.”
Homer looked up from eating and, rather then wait until he had finished what was in his mouth, garbled something unintelligible before going back to his feast, pausing only long enough to start chugging a big glass of chocolate milk.
Mrs. Cake blinked and tilted her head. “Come again dear?”
“Homer for the love of Celestia please don’t speak with your mouth full,” Came Twilight’s muffled voice as she sat next to him with her face flat against the surface of the table in embarrassment. She was having vivid recollections of having all too familiar conversations with Spike and the fact she was having it again with what was supposed to be an adult was not encouraging.
“Hang on, let me see if I can translate,” Pinkie said trotting back in. “Hey Homer, one more time please?” She cocked her head to one side one of her ears perked up as Homer repeated his earlier mumblings around the biggest chunk of chocolate cake he could fit into his mouth.
“Hmmm...Uh-huh….uh-huh...aww that’s so sweet! Okay I’ll tell her.” She turned to the others. “Homer says it’s not the first time he’s been viciously assaulted over a misunderstanding involving small children. He’s just glad it didn’t involve something called a ‘taser’ this time. He also wants to assure you that all is forgiven, and that this is the best cake he’s ever had!”
Twilight lifted her face off the table and gave Pinkie a look of disbelief. “Are you telling me you got all of that from maybe two, three seconds tops of mumbling?”
“Well when it comes to speaking with your mouthful a lot of it comes from the inflection and not necessarily the words. I have to say I’m impressed, it took me a few years to get as good as Homer is with it, he must have had a lot of experience talking through food.”
“I have absolutely no difficulty believing that,” Twilight sighed as her face became reacquainted with the table. The Cakes in the meantime looked both pleased and relieved to hear this.
“Oh that makes me feel so much better to hear that dear, Homer is welcome to help himself if he’s still hungry afterwards. Though I must admit we may end up going a bit over budget at this rate…” Mrs. Cake said as she watched Homer polish off cake number three and immediately reached for the last one.
“Actually, I received a notice from Princess Celestia that as long as Homer is staying here in Ponyville any expenses related to his living arrangements will be covered by the royal treasury. Equestria has entertained a number of diplomatic visits from far off lands in the past, and ensuring they receive our full hospitality regardless of expense has always been a priority.”
Mr. and Mrs. Cake’s eyes visibly doubled in size at this as they looked from Homer, to the growing pile of dishes in the sink, and then at each other as Twilight could have sworn she saw bits in their eyes. Not that Twilight could blame them, if Homer’s appetite was consistent with what they had seen so far on a daily basis, the Cakes would be able to put Pound and Pumpkin through some of the finest schools in Equestria and have enough left to pay off the house!
“Um, Homer, Pinkie and Twilight mentioned you were needing a place to stay, do you have somewhere specific in mind?” Mr Cake enquired in the same quiet tone one would use to try and coax a wary animal out of hiding.
Already polishing off the last cake, Homer started to say something and then noticed the pointed look Twilight was giving him. He swallowed what was in his mouth. “Actually I was kind of hoping you might be willing to let me stay here for a little whi-”
“YES!” Mrs. Cake blurted out before her face went red. “Ahem, I mean, I’m sure we can make arrangements for that to work dear, as long as Pinkie doesn’t mind sharing the upstairs with you.”
“WOO-HOO!” Pinkie and Homer let out simultaneously. “Come on Homer I’ll show you around upstairs!” Two shapes, one pink the other yellow dashed up the stairs before the pink one came zipping back down, took care of the dirty dishes and babbled a quick ‘thankyousomuchyouguysarethebestthisisgonnabesomuchfunNIGHTEVERYONE!’ before she vanished back up the stairs.
Taking a moment to savor the silence, Twilight glanced over at Mr. and Mrs. Cake. “Alright I have to ask, why do you two have a flail?”
“It’s part of my costume for rolep-mmf!” Mr Cake suddenly found his wife’s hoof in his mouth as she narrowed her eyes at him with an expression that, while not unkind, was rather intense.
“Roleplay? You mean like Ogres and Oubliettes?” Twilight asked tilting her head. “No wait that doesn’t require physical props, do you mean LARPing?”
Mr Cake shared a look with his wife before she removed her hoof. “Yeeeeees?” He offered hesitantly.
Twilight gave them an odd look before she shrugged. “Alright, if there’s any trouble, please don’t hesitate to let me know, and thank you so much.” Getting up from the table, she gave them a four legged curtsy before she wished them goodnight.
As soon as they were sue she was out the door Mrs. Cake gave her husband a flat look. “Honestly dear, you couldn’t have come up with something like ‘it’s for home security’? I don’t care how much Applejack preaches about the value of honesty, it’s not going to kill us if we tell a little white lie every now and then.”
“Yes honey.” Mr. Cake said looking a little dejected. He perked up remarkably fast when he suddenly felt his wife nuzzle him and whisper in his ear.
“Now then, why don’t you lock up, I’ll tuck in the twins and then I’ll see if I can’t find that soundproofing charm hmm? I don’t know about you but I feel like celebrating…”
She pecked him on the cheek and walked off making sure to put just a little extra oomph in the movement of her hips as she went up the stairs leaving her husband standing there stunned. A second later an ear to ear grin split his face as he locked the front door and hurried up after her. “Right behind you honey buns!”
While this was going on, Pinkie Pie was giving Homer a brief tour of her apartment, though the word hardly seemed to do justice to the surprisingly spacious two floor add on to the bakery. The interior was decorated with a riot of streamers, balloons and candy themed designs making the place look like a mishmash of the dream houses of Willy Wonka and PT Barnum.
“Soooo, whatcha think?” Pinkie asked bouncing up and down in place eager for a bit of feedback.
“You mean besides the feeling I got ripped off by the guy who did my house? I have to say you ponies kick ass when it comes to interior decorating.” Homer said before a diploma on the wall caught his eye.
“Hey what’s this?” He took it off the wall and squinted at the writing. “‘Certificate of Graduation from the School of Fourth Wall Manipulation and Reality Harassment’ signed by...who the heck is Professor F. Puff?”
“Oh Professor Puff’s the best! She taught me everything I know about instantaneous movement, temporary suspension of the laws of physics and helped me get me my Associate’s Degree in Multidimensional Pop-Culture References!”
“That’s a thing?”
“You better believe it! But it’s tricky, if you try and take in everything from the other dimensions at once your head may or may not literally explode, so you have to train yourself to fine tune it so it only kicks in when it’s relevant to the situation and/or funny.”
Homer stared off into the distance as he tried to absorb this “...Huh, being a cartoon is a lot harder than I thought it would be.”
“You’re not just whistling dixie!”
Looking over at the bed, a thought surfaced in Homer’s head for a few seconds before it’s inevitable descent back down into the vast ocean of his Id. “Hey Pinkie, I just realized I don’t have any pajamas, is that gonna be a problem?”
“Naw, it’s not like you knew you were going to cross over into an alternate reality and packed accordingly silly! You can sleep in the clothes you have on tonight and we can see about having Rarity measure you up for some more stuff to wear.” Pinkie assured him before giving an adorable yawn. “Well I’m gonna wash up before bed, be right back Homer!”
As she bounced up the stairs Homer sat down on one side of the bed and took his shoes off, kicking them off one by one before looking out the window. The starry night sky was absolutely breathtaking, the crescent moon hanging overhead as stars twinkled merrily.
It was beautiful, and everyone here was so kind, part of him wondered what it would be like to just stay here. But as tempting as the idea was, four not so little reasons remained on his mind. Pulling out his wallet, Homer opened it to the photo he kept with him and the rest of the family sitting on the couch together.
“Marge...kids...I don’t know when I’ll be back but...try not to forget about me, okay?” He sighed and put the wallet on a nightstand next to Pinkie’s bed next to a few other framed photos she had showing her with either family or friends.
The soft creak of the bedsprings drew his attention, but when he looked up instead of Pinkie Pie, he saw a tiny alligator watching him from the far side of the bed. He stared, and the creature stared right back with unblinking, vacant pink eyes. The only suggestion that it was alive came when it abruptly licked its own eyeball.
“...Pinkie?” He called out not taking his eyes off the reptile.
“Yeeeeeaaaahh?” Came her voice from the bathroom.
“Did Mrs. Cake put anything uh, special in the cakes? I think I’m starting to hallucinate because I’m making direct eye contact with a crocodile at the foot of the bed down here.”
“Oh that’s not a crocodile silly! That’s my pet alligator Gummy!” As if to emphasize how he got his name, Gummy opened his mouth good and wide revealing the absence of even a single tooth.
Homer just stared, still not entirely convinced that any of this was evidence he wasn’t tripping balls. Finally he shrugged. “Meh, sure why not?” The sooner he started accepting the overall weirdness that was Equestria the easier it would be on his blood pressure.
Fortunately one of the upsides of having little to know understanding of life outside Springfield, or really even beyond the living room couch if he could get away with it, was there wasn’t a great deal of inherent knowledge about how the world worked to toss out the window to begin with.
Homer knew that plants needed water to survive, he knew that gravity made things fall, and he knew that radiation exposure made it a really bad idea to go streaking through the reactor core at the power plant on a dare no matter how much money was on the line. As long as these things worked, little details like ‘how’ or ‘why’ didn’t seem to be worth the time to investigate unless the situation directly called for it.
So if he was going to be in a world where horses could fly, talk, and cast spells among other things for the foreseeable future, what was the point of being skeptical when he had known so little about the world he already called home? Homer would never qualify as a genius per say, but there was a quiet flexibility to how he viewed the world that was often overlooked.
Pinkie came back down the stairs and giggled at the sight of Gummy and Homer still sizing one another up. “Come on Gummy, there will be plenty of time to get to know Homer better in the morning, right now it’s bedtime!” She picked the little reptile up in her mouth like a dog with her pup and plopped him onto a rock next to a small heat lamp.
As soon as she flipped a switch, the little reptile was bathed in warm light, causing him to settle down comfortably on the rock and close his eyes with a soft content hiss. Turning off the rest of lights, the little pink pony hopped into bed and pulled the covers towards her so Homer could climb in with her.
“Thanks again Pinkie, I really wasn’t sure where I was gonna sleep tonight. I mean I’m sure Twilight had the space in that big rock candy castle of hers, but I was a little worried I was going to wake up with electrodes stuck in my brain or something.” Homer admitted as he got comfy.
“Heh, yeah she can get awful excited when she wants to figure something out. But it’s no trouble at all Homer, I was actually really touched that you wanted to stay with me.”
“Really?”
“Mm-hmm. Don’t get me wrong, me and the girls are just about inseperable, but sometimes it can feel like ponies can find me a bit...much.” She pulled the covers up to her chin and looked up at the ceiling thoughtfully. “I know I can be awful overwhelming, but when I’m with someone I care about and I see them smiling it’s like my little heart is just gonna burst and all I wanna do is dance and sing and bounce the day away!”
“Honestly? Where I come from we could probably use a lot more of that.” Homer said as he lay back next to her. “I never like to turn on the news or read the paper and find out what’s going on. All anybody seems to wanna talk or write about is stuff that’s either scary, sad or both. Everybody who's supposed to be in charge just wanna stand around and yell at each other, and I look at my kids having to grow up surrounded by all of that and wonder what kind of effect it’s gonna have.”
Despite himself, he gave a little chuckle. “You know my next door neighbor Flanders is a lot like you, I can’t remember the last time I saw him without some big dumb smile on his face and no matter what’s going on he always stops to wish me good morning or good night or whatever time of day it is. I should be happy someone like that lives next to me, but when he starts talking all I wanna do is punch him.” After a moment of silence Homer’s voice came back a bit softer. “Am I a bad person Pinkie?”
Pinkie’s eyes widened as she looked over at her new friend, there was a vulnerability in Homer’s expression she’d never seen before. “Why in the heck would you think that Homer?”
Homer took a deep breath and let out a long sigh. “I dunno, I just look at how perfect everything is here and how nice everyone is and it makes me wonder if I’ve really done a good enough job with my own life back home. The boy’s always getting into trouble, I can hardly understand a word that comes out of Lisa’s mouth, Marge runs herself ragged trying to hold everything together, and who knows what Maggie is going to get into when she gets older.”
“And then there’s me, just sitting on the couch all day drinking beer and scratching my big yellow butt, if it wasn’t for the money I make at work I’d be about as useful around the house as a doorstop. My family deserves better than me.”
“You know what I think?”
“What?” Homer suddenly felt Pinkie roll over and wrap her hooves around his midsection in a surprisingly firm hug. When he looked down at her, he saw her eyes were a little wet but her smile was still there.
“I think that your family is lucky to have you. If you really didn’t care about them, you wouldn’t be so worried about them all the time would you? You’re not perfect, but you know what, nobody is. I mean, Rainbow Dash brags like it’s going out of style, Applejack is honest to the point she can’t even tell a little white lie, Rarity is usually too quick to think of other ponies before herself, Fluttershy’s always struggling to try new things, and Twilight? Hoo boy, if I started talking about her we’d never get any sleep.”
“But having flaws doesn’t make us bad people, it just gives us something to strive to improve and learn from every day. Sure you’ve got problems, but you’re brave enough to own up to them and admit your mistakes. That counts for something, really it does. Besides,” She nuzzled his side. “It’s never too late to change for the better.”
“...Thanks Pinkie, I think I needed to hear that.” Homer smiled and tussled her mane gently, which was rewarded with a soft giggle. Resting his head against the pillow, he rolled over and felt Pinkie snuggle in under his arms as he held her like a stuffed animal.
“Good night Pinkie.”
“Good night Homer.”
In a matter of seconds, both of them were sound asleep, the heavy rumble and light murmur of their snoring blending together in the silence. As the moon cast a soft glow over them, a strange silvery thread spun and twisted through the window glinting as it seemed to shimmer in and out of existence. It slipped gently into Homer’s ear, yet he made no sign of distress as he slept, unaware that this strange day was not quite over yet...