The train made Ponyville in record time. Rarity had been required to exercise every bit of charm she had to get the conductor to increase the speed, which, though she was good at, she found terribly annoying as she would much rather have been at the charity ball doing the same thing to ponies who were substantially richer.
The train had barely stopped at the station, Bon Bon nearly pushed Rarity out onto the platform.
“Well, I never!” she cried. “There’s no need to be rude!”
“Trust me, there is!”
Applejack was waiting for them on the platform, sitting near the edge and stress-eating apples. A pile of perfectly chewed cores had developed beside her, and Rarity knew that was a bad sign. Applejack almost never actually ate apples.
“There you are!” she said, standing up.
“Aww,” said Rarity. “You were waiting for me on the platform? Darling, that’s so touching! It would even be romantic, if you weren’t…you know…”
“A mare?” suggested Bon Bon.
“Short,” said Rarity.
“One, I’m taller than you,” snapped Applejack, “and two, Celestia’s rump would freeze over before that ever happens. And that’s not the point!”
“Then what is?”
“You’d better see it for yourself. The whole town’s gone to heck in a hoofbasket!”
They had barely gotten out of the train station when the whole town seemed to go quiet.
“Luna’s little hips,” whispered Applejack. “I don’t like this. Somethin’s wrong.”
“Nothing’s wrong,” said Pinkie Pie.
Applejack screamed and jumped back. There had been no lead up or warning; Pinkie Pie had just appeared in front of them.
“W- -witchcraft!” she cried.
“No, silly! It’s just sorcery!” Pinkie Pie turned to Bon Bon. “So, Sweetie Drops, did you find anything at the party? Or where you just slacking off? Or even slacking ON?! Because I had a brilliant idea that involves butter and the schoolhouse- -” Bon Bon shoved her hoof into Pinkie Pie’s mouth. “Hmm,” moaned Pinkie. “Tmfsty!”
“Look.” Bon Bon pointed with her free hoof at Rarity. Pinkie Pie’s eyes widened and she gasped, nearly inhaling half of Bon Bon’s leg in the process.
“But- -but you can’t be here!” said Pinkie Pie. “You were captured by a band of swarthy griffons working for an Appleloosan gang of pony traders who were going to sell you to evil wizards so that they could use your horn to stir your coffee and ride you around with a cute little saddle and- -”
“Pinkie,” said Rarity, “I wasn’t kidnapped. And certainly not by wizards.”
“Then- -then you had to go into hiding because you secretly witnessed the mayor having inappropriate snuggling with the town mailpony- -”
“Wait,” said Applejack. “Parcel Post or Derpy?”
“Don’t encourage her!” hissed Bon Bon.
“Um…BOTH!” cried Pinkie Pie. “And then they all threatened to have you thrown in the town dungeon unless you had to hide, but you were going to bring the information to Celestia herself to have them indicted in a massive scandal- -”
“Celestia hardly cares. I was talking to her earlier today.”
Pinkie Pie gasped. “So it’s TRUE! Then that means you're back and- -and- -” Her eyes narrowed. “Wait a minute…maybe longer, I’m a little slow today. Is your mane…pink?”
“Yes. I was trying to tell you, darling, I died it. For the yearly breast-cancer awareness charity ball.”
Pinkie Pie gasped and took a step back. “N- -no! Rarity would NEVER dye her mane! And ponies don’t get breast cancer, we don’t have breasts! Believe me, I’ve checked every single pony in town! And did you know that Twilight is COMPLETELY hairless except for her mane and tail? It’s really- -” Pinkie Pie shook her head. “No, no, you’re using you magic to get me off track. YOU!” She turned toward Bon Bon suddenly. “You back-stabbed me! Right in my pinkie-pony kidneys! You double crossed me! This isn’t Rarity! You- -” She glared at Rarity and pointed. “You’re an IMPOSTOR!”
“Pinkie,” said Applejack, “now you’re just being ridiculous. Or more so than usual I guess.”
“No! IMPOSTOR! You could be a changeling! Not only did you fake Rarity’s death, but now you’re trying to REPLACE her! But you couldn’t get the mane right! Unless- -” Pinkie’s eyes widened. “Unless you ARE Rarity…”
“Finally,” sighed Rarity. “I knew you would be able to recognize your very best friend in all of Equestri- -”
“…and I’M the one that faked my own death!” Pinkie gasped. “What if- -what if they’re after ME? What if I’m DEAD?! What if I’M the fake? My mane’s pink too, just like fake Rarity’s! None of it’s real! NONE OF IT’S REAL!”
Pinkie turned sharply and grabbed Maud by her lapels. Applejack cried out again; she had not seen Maud approach until it was too late. “MAUD!” cried Pinkie, “Are YOU a changeling? Have you always been, this whole time?!”
Maud stared at Pinkie for a long moment. “No,” she said at last.
Pinkie screamed and pushed Maud away. “THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT A CHANGELING WOULD SAY!!”
She then burst into tears and ran into town. Maud watched her go. “Pinkie. Don’t go. Boulder can vouch for me…”
“What the buck just happened?” asked Applejack, as though she could not believe what had just occurred.
Bon Bon had her hoof planted firmly on her forehead. “Now you have an idea of what I’ve been dealing with for the past two days.”
‘“And what the rest of us have to deal with on a daily basis, unfortunately,” sighed Rarity. She started trotting forward after Pinkie. “This is exactly why I published my mane color change in the paper. So this wouldn’t happen.”
Rarity barely made it to town square before being completely knocked over.
“Bruising!” she squealed, before sitting up. She was about to send out a tirade of insults when she saw that the pony who had toppled her was Roseluck, who was sprinting wildly across the two, stopping occasionally to attempt to shake a set of hideously designed metal horseshoes from her hooves.
“They won’t come off!” she screamed, shaking one of her feet and sobbing. “Why won’t they come OFF?!”
“Get back here!” cryed Lyra, who was chasing after her. Roseluck burst out into all-out crying again and tried to run once more, although she would occasionally involuntarily stop to attempt to shake the horsehoes from her hooves. “Tell me where my cereal is or I will BLACKMARE YOU!” She held out a bucket of paint in her magic; she herself had been painted with a combination of zebra-like stripes and handprints. Her gait was unsteady and wobbly.
“Lyra!” cried Bon Bon. “What are you doing?!”
“Getting my daily dose of FIBER!” screamed Lyra before taking off after Rose. “GAAAAAHHHH! FROOT LOOPS!!”
“Oh my,” said Rarity as Lyra departed. “Was she wearing zebraface? How offensive!”
“I told you,” snapped Bon Bon. “Loopy. I have to go get her before she hurts herself.”
Bon Bon departed, and Rarity stood up to follow before tripping over another pony.
“Oh come on!” she cried, “at this point I’m going to be piebald from bruising!” She paused. “Although…piebald would be striking.”
“You’d look like a cow,” muttered Applejack, rolling her eyes.
“A fabulous cow.” Rarity picked herself up and looked down at what- -or who- -she had tripped over, only to realize that it was a filly. Her jaw dropped, however, when she realized that the filly was Scootaloo. That in and of itself was not especially unusual; seeing Scootaloo was relatively common. What stood out, though, was that she had been powdered white. Her tiny and largely useless wings had been pinned down by a cut tubesock which her body had been put through, and a horn-like object had been glued to her forehead near her messily blue-dyed mane.
“Dresses!” she cried, jumping around. “Haute couture! Fancy things! Flirting with stallions to get money! DRESSES!”
She laughed and ran away.
“I do not flirt for money!” cried Rarity, only to be interrupted by Rainbow Dash soaring overhead.
“Scootaloo! Get back in the sack!” she cried, gesturing toward a large burlap sack. “Ponies will see you!”
“Fashion! Gemstones! Turning down Spike!”
“I’m sorry,” said Rainbow Dash, turning toward Applejack and Rarity but clearly not looking at them. “I had her in my house, but I kind of forgot she’s not much of a Pegasus, so she sort of slipped through my floor. Because, you know, it’s clouds. I was sure the impact would stun her at least a little bit, but I have no idea what they’re feeding these kids these days to get them this hyped up. Whatever it is, want some!”
“Why is she painted like me?” asked Rarity.
“Oh, she’s not- -” Rainbow Dash looked up at Rarity and her jaw dropped. “Wh- -wh- -RARITY?!”
“Ah. So at least somepony can recognize me.”
“But you- -you were dead! I saw it in the paper! I kissed a beaver!”
“So what else is new?” muttered Applejack. Rainbow Dash glared at her.
“Yes, there was a misprint in the paper. Not ‘died’ as in, well, expired, but ‘dyed’. As in changed the color of my mane.”
Rainbow Dash looked at it. “Eew. I don’t like it. You’re like a weird giant Sweetie Belle.”
“That’s exactly what I told her,” said Applejack.
“Well, you’re hardly one to talk!” huffed Rarity.
“This is all natural!” snapped Rainbow Dash. “I can prove it, if you want to see- -”
“NO!” cried Applejack. “Already saw it once, don’t need to ever see it again! Nope!”
“Fine,” muttered Rainbow Dash.
Rarity did not know what they were talking about. “I happen to know that you DO dye your mane,” she argued. “Your violet streak is actually indigo, darling. You lighten it.”
Rainbow Dash gasped and blushed. “How- -how did you know that?!”
“Not to mention when you use the temporary dye to turn it black and pose in front of your mirror pretending to be Daring Do- -”
“Whoa whoa whoa! We can stop right there!”
“Agreed,” said Applejack. “Before we keep sayin’ things I can’t unimagine. We need to get to the Castle.”
“Why?” asked Rarity.
“Trust me. You’ll see.”
The Castle of Friendship was not far from town square. Rarity was quite familiar with the path, but as she approached she realized that some construction had occurred quite recently. As she reached the front courtyard, she realized what had been installed and she gasped in horror.
A number of stocks had been placed in front of the castle, and each was filled with an earth-pony. Many of them were crying and resisting, trying to pull their heads out to little effect.
“What happened?!” cried Rarity.
“Are we having a renaissance faire?” asked Rainbow Dash, sounding slightly excited.
“No,” said Applejack.
“Aw, mane! I got excited for nothing!”
They approached the stocks, and Rarity quickly found Twilight. She was standing at the front, levitating small balls of crumpled paper and tossing them with great force into the face of Mayor Mare, who was stocked in the front of the group.
“How do you like it now?!” cried Twilight, laughing wildly. “Huh? HUH? Answer me, heretic, or I’ll get the CONSTRUCTION PAPER!”
“Twilight!” pleaded the mare. “You’ve gone too far! This- -none of this is LEGAL!”
“Of course it is! I’m a Princess! I AM THE LAW! Repent! REPENT! How dare you burn a goddess at the stake?! Who’s fat now? I know the answer to that: YOU ARE!” She laughed again and threw the rest of the paper. “You know what? You have displeased your goddess! Now your goddess is going to get the HOSE!”
“Nooooo!” screamed various members of the captive crowd. “Not the hose!”
“Silence! The power of friendship compels you to REPENT!” Twilight laughed manically as she ran back toward the faucet at the base of her castle.
Rarity, mostly in shock but also surprisingly amused, approached the stockades. One of the ponies screamed.
“ZOMBIE!” cried the tea pony, Jasmine Leaf. “Sweet merciful Twilight, divine light and best of all Princesses, don’t let her touch me! DON’T LET HER TOUCH ME!!”
“Your prayers are heard!” said Twilight, returning with the hose. “Thou shalt be rendered clean of your sins!” She turned the hose on Jasmine Leaf and sprayed her in the face with cold water. “How do you like it?!” screamed Twilight. “You said my fiction section lacked unabridged versions! LACKED UNABRIDGED VERSIONS! You have displeased your goddess! Now DRINK!!”
Jasmine Leaf sputtered and coughed as she was essentially waterboarded.
“Stop!” cried the mayor. “Twilight, please, this is excessive! We were only following our traditions! You were convicted by a legal court of law!” She turned her head toward the pony on her left. “Filthy! Do something!”
“No, no,” he said. “I’m actually quite fine with this.”
“How can you be ‘fine with this’? We’re in stocks and being goaded!”
Filthy shrugged. “I thought this might happen, so I invested a considerable sum in the stock market. I’m making so much money right now!”
The entire group groaned in agony at the pun.
“Oh,” said Twilight, turning off the hose. “So you don’t like to be…PUNished?”
Another groan moved through the crowd, as well as several tormented screams.
“Make it stop!” wept one pony in the back. “MAKE IT STOP!”
“Well, then, if you like that, you’ll LOVE this!” A flash of violet appeared near Twilight, and a book appeared. The title was “Discord’s GIANT Book of Assorted Puns and Recipes for Goulash”. Twilight opened it and began flipping through, chuckling manically.
“Um, Twilight?” said Applejack. “This might be a bit…”
“Excessive,” added Rarity.
“I don’t know,” said Rainbow Dash. “It’s kind of turning me on.”
“Quiet, Rarity, I’m working on…” Twilight’s eyes suddenly went wide. She turned sharply toward Rarity. “RARITY?”
“In the fabulous, perfect flesh.”
“But- -you were dead! I saw it in the paper, and printed words never lie!” She paused. “Wait a minute. Did I actually, you know, necromancy you?” She looked to the crowd of stocked ponies who were now glaring at her. She chuckled nervously. “Because if I did, this is going to be a liiiittle bit awkward…”
“No. I’m fine. It was a misprint. The message was meant to say that I ‘dyed’. Instead of ‘died.”
“Oh,” said Twilight. “A homonym. Huh. I suppose I should have got that one. And probably checked to make sure my fourth best friend wasn’t dead first.”
“Wait! Fourth?!”
“Ha! Yes!” Rainbow Dash fist-pumped excitedly. “I got promoted!”
“Well, it was an honest mistake,” said Applejack. “Just a really stupid one.”
“The whole town made it, too,” said Rainbow Dash. “It’s pretty bad.”
“Trixie knew!” said Trixie, emerging from behind the stocks with a substantial pile of wallets. Before exiting completely, she paused to slap the mayor’s rump.
“Oh my!” she cried.
“Trixie?” said Twilight. “What do you mean you knew?!”
“Trixie means that Trixie knew, as Trixie is a highly intelligent pony and, unlike one certain alicorn Princess, is able to understand when words are spelled wrong in the newspaper.”
Twilight glared. “You know, I still have a few stocks left.”
“Oh please. It would hardly be the first time the Great and Powerful Trixie was put in the stocks. Or the pillory, or took a ride on the ducking chair. That one is actually kind of fun, admittedly. Much better than the pillory. The Sensitive and Ticklish Trixie does not like her sides tickled.”
“I like mine tickled,” said Rainbow Dash. “Can I get some of that? Ideally by Rarity?”
“How did you know the paper was wrong?” asked Applejack. “Because the rest of the town seems to be stocked with, well, frankly idiots.”
“I heard that!” cried the mayor. “Most of us did!”
“I told her!” Starlight appeared, galloping at full sprint and nearly collapsing from being out of breath. “Sorry! I had to get to the forest and stop Fluttershy from being sacrificed by a tiny cult!”
“Not again,” sighed Rainbow Dash. She looked around. “Um…where is she?”
“Oh. Sorry.” Starlight lit her horn and summoned Fluttershy from the dimension where she kept things stored. Fluttershy dropped to the ground. She was in the fetal position, compressed nearly into a ball, and quivering violently.
“She’s right there.”
“So…so many tentacles…”
“Oh. Woops. Um, yeah,” Starlight stretched the back of her head. “I should probably clean that place out at some point.”
“And you didn’t tell me this WHY?” demanded Twilight.
“Because I had to get Trixie’s stomach pumped. Twice.”
“Oh,” said Twilight, knowingly. “So it’s Trixie’s fault. As always.”
“The Great and Powerful Trixie is innocent! Innocent I say!” Trixie looked down at the wallets she had accumulated. “Except for petty theft. But that’s only punishable by a fine, right?” She emptied a few bits from a wallet. “I can pay for that.”
“That would be a bribe,” said Twilight, taking the bits. She turned toward Rarity. “So you’re really not dead?”
“No, of course not, darling. That would simply be horrible! In fact, I had been sure the world couldn’t keep revolving without me…” She looked around. “But I do believe I have actually been proven right.”
“The idea of the world revolving is heresy,” noted Twilight. “But I’ll let it slide. For now. I’m just so glad you’re not dead yet.”
“Yet?”
“Yeah. Because I’m still going to outlive you all. But not today.” She looked around. “We should probably tell Pinkie and Spike.”
“I already heard,” said Pinkie. “I’ve actually been here the whole time. You didn’t see me?”
“Trixie did!” lied Trixie.
“Oh. Well, then, I guess it’s just Spike, then. He’ll be so happy!” Twilight laughed and began to trot toward the palace. Her friends followed, laughing as well at the absurdity of the mistake.
“Wait!” cried the mayor. “What about us?!”
“You get at least two days,” said Twilight. “Keep pressing and I’ll make it three. I’ll be out after dark to give you water.”
“From…from the hose?”
“Do you not LIKE the hose?”
“N- -no! I like the hose! We ALL like the hose!”
Twilight smiled. “I thought so.”
They continued up toward the castle.
“So,” said Rarity. “Now that you all know I’ve not died, what do you think of my mane?”
There was a silence for a moment, followed by some rather sour expressions and some random muttering.
“Oh thank Cadence’s rear,” sighed Rarity. “Because I HATE it. I’m going to change it as soon as I can. Applejack, please make a note for me to send the news out for printing. I would hate to agitate the entire town over something like dyeing my mane, after all!”