My Brother's Keeper

by Ringtael

Chapter Seven: Prep Phase

Two days after I last saw Maximus, Twilight came over bright and early as I was trying to invent new puzzles that would keep people busy for hours on end while trying to recreate old ones I remembered from Earth. She caught me in between riddles and the one I was working on  was a classic spring-and-ring. The trick was to get the ring off the spring, but the catch was that the spring had closed ends. The actual solution to the puzzle had taken me all of five seconds to figure out, but the thing about it was that I hadn’t even thought to make one. I’d just dropped a spring in a drawer full of useless rings and got it stuck while trying to fish it out. Why was I looking for useless rings? I wasn’t. My springs were in the drawer above it and I forgot which one it was.

“Jay? Are you actually open?” Twilight called since she couldn’t see me.

I was in the front of the shop when Twilight came in, so I rose and gave her a kiss over the counter. “Morning, Purps. How’s it going so far?”

She smiled. “I contacted Ty’s host family and they say that he’s ready for a visit!”

A smile broke out on my face as my day brightened considerably. “Seriously!? When can we go?”

“Well…” Twilight let it dangle, giving me a sly look.

“Oh come on, Bae, don’t make your man beg.” I pleaded, defeating the purpose of saying what I just said.

She gave me a smug little smile. “I figured I’d give you enough time to grab the present you whipped up for him.”

I patted the glorified Liberator I’d made for him, safely tucked away in my pocket since I hadn’t wanted to carry my Glock all day. Fucker's not exactly light. “Already have it, actually. Does that mean we can go now?”

“Whenever you come give me a hug we can.” She said amusedly.

I took my time in coming around the counter and gave her a kiss. When I pulled away we were already in a different town, but I still gave her the hug she’d originally asked for. “Thank you, Purps. So what town is this?”

Her cheeks pinked up a bit and she smiled. “It’s Minceton. They’re obviously famous for their mincemeat pies, but I’ve had their best.” She made a face. “You still can’t sell me on it.”

I chuckled and shook my head. “I don’t really know what that is and I don’t think I want to find out. I think I’ll keep my meat pies to the ‘chicken pot’ kind. In any case, where are we off to?” I asked, forcing myself to give Twilight a subtle option.

She seized the opportunity with fire in her eyes. “I happen to know of a great little restaurant around here that makes the best poached egg you’ve ever had if you’re hungry.”

“I have to have the white and yolk mixed for my eggs. I can’t deal with them being separate.” I said, mostly because I don’t know how to ‘poach’ an egg.

Twilight gave me an amused look. “Jitter-Jabber has other stuff. If you’re a country type, you can get a breakfast biscuit or something.”

“Ay, do they have biscuits and gravy?” I asked with a little smile.

“I’m sure they do. Are we going?”

“On your mark, Purple Power Ranger.” I replied teasingly.

She didn’t honor that with a response, but she did grab my hand and lead me to a little cafe that did not serve biscuits and gravy. They didn’t even serve the damn breakfast biscuit Twilight promised me for Christ’s sake! They had these shitty English muffin things (English muffins are shitty anyway, but these were less shitty than normal) and the only saving grace they had was that they practically made a mini omelette to go into the little breakfast bastard. There was no bacon, but they did have some sausage that had obviously not been touched by colored hands, for it was not blessed with flavor. I don’t know what is was, but the meat to that little sandwich was like eating a soy patty. Actually, knowing Twilight, it probably was and she just didn’t tell me.

Thankfully, breakfast didn’t last forever and we dived into the residential district of Minceton with a lot of people bowing in our wake. I mentioned to Twilight that it was odd to see so many people revere her so openly and she kind of just chuckled it off. I left it at that as we walked through town, but I couldn’t help but see the starkness of the contrast in our situations. She was a Maxdamn Princess, and I was a random guy with a talent for scraping away at stuff until it magicked good. For the thousandth time, if not the second thousandth time, I wondered why the fuck Twilight wanted me and I still couldn’t find a reasonable answer. Bitch was just crazy, what can I say?

When we stopped at a random house and Twilight knocked on the door, I asked, “How do you know this town so well? Did you spend a lot of time here over the years?”

She gave me another amused smile. “I use a pathfinding spell to get me to where I want to go. As long as I know the name of the place or household, I can get there.”

“Well that’s not fair.” I said as an older, gray haired, burly ass muhfucker opened the door.

“Princess Twilight. ‘S good to see ya.” He grunted.

Twilight beamed at him. “Hello, Wrought Iron! How are you today?”

“Doin’ fine. Yourself?”

“Feeling peachy! How’s Shuttle Cock doing?”

I tried not to giggle at the name when I realized that it was a name, and I succeeded decently enough, but Wrought Iron still stared me down. “Think my boy’s name is funny?”

“It’s not exactly chuckle worthy.” I replied drily, not giving a fuck about some old dude trying to intimidate me.

He snorted. “Ty thought it was funnier ‘an you. Thought he’d laugh.”

“... Guessing Ty’s been giving you a little trouble?” I said slowly, my right index finger resting on the pocket clip of my trusty knife.

“Guy’s a shithead, but his heart’s alright. He’ll make a good harem husban’, at least.” Wrought replied gruffly.

“So y’all ain’t had any major issues or nothin’?” I asked, trying to clarify.

“Ask ‘im yourself.” He said before turning to face away from us and bellowing, “Hey Ty! Ya got company ya dangle donged dingus!”

“Who is it, Crackajack?” Ty shouted back.

“Boy, if you don’t get dat ass out here!” I shouted.

Mad scrabbling could be heard from inside, and when Wrought Iron stopped blocking the fucking view inside with his massive, larger-than-Ty fucking frame, I could see a young white kid around sixteen or so that looked a lot like Wrought Iron if he were a little shorter and younger, but then Ty whipped around him and charged, barely slowing down enough to not fuck both of us up when we hugged. We gripped each other like we’d been lost for years instead of two weeks at most, but we were glad to see each other all the same.

I let him go first and he didn’t hesitate long enough for me to be suspicious of anything, so I took a sec to get a good look at ‘em, and I had to say that he seemed fine. “Bruh, are you okay? They treatin’ you alright? You stayin’ out of trouble or what? Like, you ain’t been chasin’ tail while they got you on lockdown, right?” I asked rapidly. I would’ve gotten further if he didn’t hold his hands up.

“Ay, ay, I give, bruh. I’m good, aight? Wrought Iron and Cock are chill as a polar bear’s toenails. The only thing I even beef over is the language crap, but it’s not like it matters that much.” Ty chuckled. “Nah, but Minceton is a male majority town anyway. All the action I can get is gangbangs, and that ain’t my style.”

I bit my cheek and Ty picked up on the shift in my demeanor. “You’ve been gettin’ laid, haven’t you? Fuck off.” He growled.

I forced myself to smirk and Ty picked up on that too. “Sorry, bro, but I’m irresistible.”

My brother gave me a blank look and turned to Twilight. “Ay, can I get a second alone with Jay real quick? I mean, a little heart to heart on the matters of the bed ain’t too much to ask, right?”

Twilight turned red before turning green. “Don’t tell me…?”

Ty gave her a fucked up look, which looked a little like the look Wrought Iron was giving her and a lot like the look I was giving her. “Are you asking me if I bone my brother? The fuck- Nevermind. Just nevermind.”

My girlfriend blushed brightly and looked at Wrought Iron. “Would you happen to have any tea?”

The old dude made a weird noise that sounded like gravel being ground together. “Of course, Your Highness.”

They went inside and I took Ty to the bottom of the stoop so we could get some chill in, but the chill wasn’t there. It was actually pretty warm. “Nigga, what’s wrong? I been havin’ bad feelin’s and shit about you since I got shipped here.” Ty interrogated quietly.

I took a deep breath and sighed. “I’m dating Twilight and Fluttershy now. Twilight’s batshit crazy for me, Ty. She gave me a Maxdamn shop after I shot that hole in her floor, man, and she’s the one I had sex with.” I replied just as quietly. We didn’t get much louder than that during the whole conversation.

“... You fucked the bitch that sent me here? You gotta be makin’ a grab for her power, Jameson.” Ty said darkly.

I sat down on the last step and Ty joined me soon after. He waited for me to respond, so I said, “I have to be in it for the love, Ty. If I try to abuse Twilight’s power, someone’s gonna put me down. If I make Twilight too unhappy, someone’s going to put me down. If I don’t act right in general, then you’re the leverage, man. You’re what they’re going to use against me, and even if they don’t use you against me? Guess fuckin’ what, Ty. Applejack isn’t afraid to fuck someone up and she got her hands on me, but we can’t get her back because she’s Mafia, dude. She is the next Matriarch. Twilight? She’s a damned Princess; she can already do what she wants, and Fluttershy? She’s got herself a little secret that makes my fucking balls wanna shrivel, but I’m stuck, man. I got perks right now, but I’m payin’ for ‘em.”

Ty worked his jaw and stared at the ground in front of us as the occasional passerby waved. I waved back, but my brother was lost in thought until he said, “You can’t think of a way to strike ‘em and get out clean?”

“I got contingency plans, but they’re last ditch efforts, Tiberius. We don’t make it out unless G-Man takes pity on us, and I’ve talked to him twice since you’ve been gone. It’s not likely.”

“Shit, don’t talk about bourbon, man. This is a dry ass town and I’m fuckin’ rollin’ havin’ to go sober.”

“Still, Max put us here so we’d have a second chance, and we gotta make it work out right. I got two babes with money in their pockets that can help us out of any hole we find ourselves in, but Twilight gave me a way to make my own money. We just gotta find somethin’ for you so-”

“Man, straight up? Imma be a Harem King.” Ty said flatly.

“Fuckin’... I ain’t even surprised. Disappointed, but not surprised.”

“I’d bitch at you, but you’re right. I’m just takin’ the easiest route.” He said realistically. “Shit, I ain’t exactly ashamed. Why work hard when you can let other people do it for you? I mean, how much trouble am I gonna get into if I stay at home and work out all day?”

“Little to none, but you’re gonna get bored.” I said softly.

“Prolly, but then I’ll just fuck my bitch until I ain’t. It’s never been like, hard to keep me happy, nigga.”

“We can’t have kids.” I informed.

“Dope.”

“Aliens, man. I don’t know for sure,” I lied, “but I really highly doubt that we’re compatible like that with these guys.”

“Ay, it’s whatever though. Yo, you find out what class of Medeis you were?”

“C-Rank Artificer. Why do you ask?”

Ty jammed a thumb into his chest and smirked at me. “Double-A Mundsian, nigga. Good luck gettin’ one on me now.”

I smirked at him. “You still can’t shoot worth a shit.”

“Man, I ain’t gettin’ my gun back till I leave. It’s some bullshit.”

“I’m a Deputy, so I got my shit right now.” I pulled the little Liberator style, Saturday Night Special-looking piece out of my pocket and passed it to Ty. “Regards from your best sibling.”

He pocketed the piece and gave me a wide smile. “Man, I ain’t exactly ran into trouble, but it’s nice to hold onto somethin’ when you divin’ through town, runnin’ errands and shit.”

“I’m sure it has been. No one’s been giving you shit or anything?”

“Couple of Icarian boys who think they’re tough shit because they’re going into some flight school in the fall, but neither of ‘em wanna try me. Might talk tough, but neither of ‘em are above a C-Rank.” He scoffed.

“... Since when do you give so much credit to ranks and shit?” I asked cautiously.

“Man, Mundusians read ranks easily, man. It’s just something we do, apparently.”

“Right. So what, you think I’m weak because I’m a C-Rank?”

“Man, you could take a rank higher than you if you’re smart, but it’s set in stone, nigga. The strong are what they are here. The playin’ ground is about as level as it’s gonna get.” He replied matter-of-factly.

“Let’s see how much shit you’re talking when I put you down from across the street.” I shot back drily.

“Point Yella Fella.” He grunted. “So when you want me to get Applejack?”

“She’s serving her time for it.” I replied evenly.

“... You’re not takin’ your pound of flesh, are you? Is it ‘cause you’re soft on bitches?”

“Yeah, but I’ll also pop her if she comes at me like that again. Bitch put me down for a little bit, but I got back up, so let the law handle her for the time being and we’ll see where it goes from there.”

“Bitch.”

“Hoodrat.”

“At least I know how to get revenge.”

“At least I know how to let shit go.” I grunted back.

He gave me a shitty look. “How many niggas have you killed over letting me walk away from a beating?”

“They shouldn’t have put they hands on ya.” I said simply.

“And Apple Ass shouldn’t have put her hands on you. Imma fist her.” Ty oathed.

“Yeah, but I’m asking you to not, just in case she kills you or some shit. I mean, that bitch is prolly trained to kill with her bare hands and we know how to box. That’s about it. What you need to do is let me handle the psychos I’ve invited into my life so you can chill and reap the rewards, my man. That is, if you don’t decide to domesticate right off the rip.”

He passed me a look. “You got your setup, Imma try and get mine. Mine might not have a Princess in it, but I’ll show you up, bruh.”

I smirked at him. “Keep your head out of your ass and it’s a possibility. So you thinkin’ about going bi yet?”

“Shit, the hottest man alive walks in my shoes every day. There ain’t no point in tryna find someone fresh like me, so fuckin fresh and clean, y’all know what I mean!”

“Shut the fuck up.” I chuckled, standing up.

Ty stayed seated. “What’s up?”

I stepped off of the stoop and leaned against the banister. “Just got one last thing I wanna talk about before we do any bullshitting around.”

“Aight.”

“Why didn’t you tell me that our Moms are gay?” I asked evenly.

“... Do you care?” He asked bluntly.

“I don’t care that they’re gay, I care that you judged them for it. Them falling for each other was one of the best things that could’ve happened to ‘em.”

“You know how I feel about faggots.” Ty grunted.

“... They’re our Moms, dude.”

“Shoulda found some men to make it work.”

I just looked at him before walking up the stoop since I had nothing else to say to him. Ty followed and took the lead as we headed inside, though he didn’t really try to say anything to me about the matter. More of the odd gravelly noise cold be heard coming from deeper in, so Ty took us to the source of said noise and I figured out that it was what Wrought Iron sounded like when he laughed. Shit was weird, but he and Twilight were apparently having a grand time, which was interesting to say the least. Twilight caught my eye and laid a hand on Wrought’s forearm, making her tone dip a little in an attempt to make me jealous. I played my Jack and interrupted their conversation to earn relationship points, which Wrought apparently appreciated since he started talking to me more than Twilight.

The visit was all too short and when Twilight announced that it was time to leave, I couldn't resist hugging my brother one last time before saying goodbye for two more weeks. When Twilight and I went back to Magiville, she asked, “Hey Jay? Would you like to take a walk with me?”

I had no reason to say no. “Sure. It’s not like the shop as a lot of stuff to sell yet.”

“Why don’t you offer custom runes and engravings?” Twilight asked.

“... Smart cookie. Want a kiss for or brilliant idea? It’s not all you’re gonna get, but it’s a start, right?”

She beamed and presented her lips for her reward, so I gave it to her and we started our walk from her house. Twilight was sure to keep a hold on my hand as we strolled along merrily, and while I wasn’t too crazy about constantly touching someone for no real reason, it’s not like it was unbearable or anything. We strolled through the town for a while, but then Twilight took me to the biggest building in Town Square and we went inside. She told me that she had some quick business to attend to with the Mayor, so I chilled out in the lobby while not doing a whole lot. There was a guy with bright green hair casting weird, furtive glances at me from behind a desk as I chilled out, but I didn’t really want to chit chat.

“Excuse me? Sir?” The guy asked after a few minutes of silence.

“Yeah? What’s up?” I replied, walking over to his desk since he wanted to talk, apparently.

He tugged at his tie when I came over and chuckled nervously. “Sure is some lovely weather we’re having, isn’t it?”

I gave him a weird look and said, “Yeah, I guess. It’s a little warm, but it’s not too bad.”

“Right.” He chuckled some more and his eyes flickered around the room. “So how’s your harem doing?” He asked, evidently trying to make conversation.

“Well, it just shrank, so it’s not doing too well at the moment. I have pretty good reasons to be mad at both of my women, but it’s just not worth the hassle, y’know?”

The guy sighed. “You wouldn’t happen to be bisexual, would you?”

“I am not.”

“I just want Magivillians to stop hitting on me. I swear I need a shirt that says ‘Gay’.” He grumbled.

“Wear a penis-shaped hat. It’ll show that you have dick on the mind.” I jested.

He gave me a look for being awesome. “You aren’t that cute.”

“Neither are you, but the main difference is that I’m not checking you out.”

“Do you really blame a guy for scoping out his options?” Dude huffed in the most bitch-like of fashions.

“Nah, but then again, I ain’t an option anyway.”

He snorted. “When you feel like getting away from crazy women who only want you for your body, feel free to send a note my way.”

“When your legs don’t work like they used to before, and I can't sweep you off of your feet, will your mouth still remember the taste of my love?” I asked, going back a few decades for that reference. Dude who sang the song died of an overdose during a relapse, but he was like, fifty and doing hard drugs.

“... You’re kinda weird.” The dude said.

“You’re kinda gay, but you don’t hear me pointing it out.” I replied easily.

“... What does that have to do with anything?”

“We’re pointing out facets of each other’s beings, right? I’m kinda weird, you’re kinda gay.” I said briskly.

His cheek reddened and he narrowed his eyes. “Are you trying to make fun of me?”

“What gives you the impression?” I asked, scratching my cheek.

He pointed an accusatory finger at me. “You’re saying something in between the lines, aren’t you?”

I tilted my head. “What gives you that impression? You’re an odd one, Mr…?”

El Faggot crossed his arms and spun his chair away from me to give me the cold shoulder, which made me feel like he was being even more of a bitch than most stereotype-filling women. I hadn't met many who would literally turn their back to me just to ignore me, but this little bitch was feeling the vaj. It ended up being a quiet wait for Twilight to return, but that’s how I would have preferred it in the first place.

When Twilight returned and we exited the Town Hall, she asked, “Hey Jay, do you want to go shopping for something? Guys like shopping, right?”

I gave her a look that was hopefully tapered by the little smile I gave her. “Arcadian woman in a guy’s body. It’s easier to think of me like that.”

Purps mulled it over. “... I’d still like to go shopping with you.”

“I don’t really want to spend your money.” I said, frowning. I’d managed to sell a couple of RiddleCube ripoffs to a mother of two the day before, so I’d managed to make twelve bits.

Twilight took my hand and pulled off to the side of the road to the corner of a building. “Jay, how much money do you have? Because I talked to Applejack yesterday and she never gave you any, Fluttershy said she didn’t, and I know you put the coins I gave you in my mailbox, you sneaky sneaker!”

I gave her a look. “I’m not exactly hurting. I’ll make it on what I have-”

“But how much is that?” She asked again.

“If I tell you, will you stop trying to give me money until I actually ask?”

“I can’t make that promise.” Twilight responded. “I can say that I know you haven’t bought groceries.”

A chill trickled down my spine. “... Are you spying on me?”

“Everyone knows everyone around here and everyone knows about the guy who comes out at sunset to go buy bread.” Twilight answered flatly. “Mrs. Knead said that you were cute, polite, and that you usually bought something baked earlier so it was cheaper. You can’t live off of just bread, Jay.”

“I’ll go get some stuff tomorrow then.” I said defensively. I didn’t mean for it to come out that way, but I never did like being broke, and I knew for a fact that I was lucky that Twilight was taking care of me as far as shelter and water went.

Twilight squeezed my hand and took the other one as well. “Jay, a part of being in a committed relationship is sharing burdens. You’re here on this world with a backpack full of stuff and that’s it. Your money is just pretty paper here. There’s no shame in needing a little more help, Sweetie.”

“I got all the help I needed when you bought the shop for me, Twilight. I should be able to take it from here.” I answered stubbornly.

“You’re missing my point.” She said, her voice dipping.

My blood boiled and froze in turns, my words bitter in my mouth. “... I get it Twilight.”

Her face didn’t change. “How many bits do you have?”

“... Twenty.”

She let go of one of my hands so she cold snap her fingers and levitate a smallish pouch full of coins. “Next time you have less than fifty, you come to me or Fluttershy.”

I couldn’t stop my lip from curling. “I can’t let myself just take from you Twilight. It goes against who I am.”

She grabbed the pouch and help it up for me, but there was something different about her. “Think of it this way; you either take the money and get what you need for yourself, making both of us happy, or I read your mind every time I think you’re running low on supplies and get what you need, making a whole lot more trouble.”

“If you actually read my mind, I’d break up with you.” I said coldly.

Twilight smiled blankly. “It’s not really an option for you, but it’s cute that you think it is. Take the bits, Sweetie.”

I swallowed my pride after a few long, hard moments. I didn’t want to accept more of Twilight’s charity, further indebting myself to her, but I didn’t have much of a fucking choice. She was giving me yet another ultimatum, and yet again there was little I could do about it. My usual tricks didn’t apply to the situation since I couldn't figure out how to make Twilight see my side of things, so I had to take the money. I saw Twilight smile, but it was harder to look her in the eye that she probably realized.

“See? All that fuss just wasn’t worth it, was it?”

“Sure. Were we about to go do something?”

“We were about to go shopping! Oh, I’m so excited to be doing this with you! I’ve always wanted to go shopping with a guy!”

“... What are we shopping for again?”

“Would you wear a thong for me?” Twilight asked hopefully.

I don’t know what to call the look that cropped up on my face, but it was a doozy. “Ya h’wut now? I-I ain’t a thong guy. Boxers and boxer-briefs.”

“But your butt is so made for thongs!” Twilight pouted.

“I don’t even like thongs on women. I don’t want anything going between my cheeks, Purps.”

“... So that’s a no to that kind of thing too?”

I flinched. “Dear Max, yes. Don’t- Don’t finger my butt. Like, please.”

“... You really aren’t like an Arcadian guy. Every married woman I’ve talked to says that their man likes it like that.”

“I don’t. I’m cool. Super frosty, actually. Count me out.”

She breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank goodness. I don’t really want to stick my fingers in a place where waste comes out of.”

“Just because I don’t want it done to me doesn’t mean I don’t wanna do it to you.” I teased.

Twilight blushed. “... We could talk about it, I guess. You’d stop if I didn’t like it, right?”

“Nope, I’d just keep going until you passed gas.” I replied casually.

“Oh my gosh! Jay!”

I grinned at her, but I wasn't exactly happy at the moment. “I would stop whenever you want, Twilight. I don’t exactly want to make you uncomfortable.”

“Well thank you for being sweet.” She stroked my cheek, so I bent down for a quick peck. “Why don’t we go ahead and get started with our shopping?”

I didn’t have a problem with it, so that’s exactly what we did. I made it a point to go to a couple smiths and artisans in town so I could ask them about where they got their raw materials from, but Twilight waited until after I sourced my info to tell me that she would help me buy whatever I needed through her connections. It was nice to have back ups, however, so we finished up with the leather guy and we went clothes shopping since Twilight had filled my wardrobe with things she wanted me to wear, but I didn’t have a say in choosing. She didn’t let me use the money she’d given me to buy anything and that made me feel like a faggot, so once we were done shopping, I invited Twilight over to my shop for a cup of coffee. We had to go buy coffee and got some tea while we were at it, but once we got to my place, I made us a pot of tea since Twilight wasn’t in the mood for the browner beverage.

We fucked since I didn’t have another way to pay Twilight back, and I’ve gotta say that being put in a female’s shoes from back on Earth makes me feel weird and just… bad. I don’t like people trying to take care of me, or being extra nice to me for no reason, or the hungry looks I attract while just walking down the street in normal clothes. I don’t like the fact that I garner respect for actually trying to work and that I get disrespected just for having a dick. Like, there have been hella perks with Twilight and having more people be more likely to lend a hand when I need it is nice, but still. I don’t like being put on a pedestal half the time and being treated like my voice is null the other half, but there just wasn’t and isn’t anything I can do about it while on an alien planet with thousands of years of tradition backing their societal gender roles. Shit like that has to change with the times; I can resist as hard as I want, but other than becoming an asshole to everyone who doesn’t treat me with the proper respect I desire, I don’t really see a way to get what I want in this one.

I made sure that Twilight could barely stand by the time we were done, and after a nice little shower, I helped her get down the stairs since her legs were still feeling funny, which in retrospect makes that Ed Sheeran reference seem like it was foreshadowing. I could still sweep Twilight off her feet, but I didn’t feel like it. We chatted for awhile about some more random stuff until she said her goodbyes and teleported out. I had nothing else to do, so I went back to making puzzles and copying the successful ones with the transmutation circle Twilight had drawn up for me. It only struck me to get my Rubik’s Cube from my bag after having copied a few Montessori’s over from memory, but when I went and got it, I had to take thirty minutes to solve it anyway. Once you learn the trick, it’s actually easy as shit, but I’d never actually read or written it down, so my memory was foggy on how to get the synapses going again.

Once I’d worn myself out of magic for the third or fourth time, I took my happy ass to bed.

I’d gone to sleep around two in the morning and woke up around eight, so I was feeling good to go and ready to when I opened up shop. I left the door to the back open while I started sawing down some wood to make a sign, which only took a couple of hours in the early morning. Once I had my thing made, I had to go searching though my storage closet to see if I had any paint, and much to my pleasure, I had quite a few cans of stuff in different colors, so I painted the fuck out of that sign like it was a slutty freshman and I was an entire Frat worth of dudes who were willing to pay two hundred a head to hit in the gangbang. In other words, shit got done and it got done right. A little messy, but right.

I used a spare brush to paint a rune onto the sign that would help the paint dry, then I carved a runeset into it that would make it tougher and less likely to mold if I left it outside too long. It was actually a construction style runeset that would usually get put on a house on one of the studs if someone could afford it, which made me write a note and tuck it into my pocket for later. Shortly after I wrote my note, my first visitor of the day came through, and I say visitor and not customer because it was Sweetie Belle.

“Hello? Is anyone here?” She called out. “The sign said you were open…”

I stood up from behind the counter. “Yo! What’s up, Belle?”

“Jay! I haven’t seen you in a hot minute!” She beamed at me and clasped her hands together. “How long are you going to wait to give me a hug, you lunkhead?”

I chuckled and walked around to give her the thing she asked for. “It’s good to see you again, Belle. It’s been a couple weeks, hasn’t it?”

“It sure has! I heard that you got hurt, but the only place I knew to look for you was Sweet Apple Acres…” She frowned and gave me a pensive look.

“Yeah, it wasn’t the best idea for me to go back. I don’t know if I should, but I just don’t want to start anythin’. No one from the Apple Family’s tried to contact me yet, so if they wanna just let this one go, I’ll be happier for it.”

“... You’re just okay with the fact that Applejack put you in the hospital?” Sweetie Belle asked slowly.

“No, but bein’ pissy about it when she’s already in deep shit is pointless. I did her one last favor and I’m gonna go ahead and say we’re square.”

“So you’re the reason the Granny couldn’t get her out!” Belle cried.

“Tough Cookie said Applejack would’ve gotten fucked up, so I did her a solid. Was I wrong?”

“No! Oh my gosh, Jay, you’re like, the most merciful guy I’ve ever met. Arcadia might be a country of peace, but that just means that when someone gets violent, people stop caring about what happens to them. A lot of people in your position would’ve let Applejack go home and... “ Sweetie Belle looked around the shop fearfully.

“And what, Belle?” I asked softly. “Trust me, it’s safe here.”

She swallowed hard. “There are a lot of rumors about the Fruit Families, Jay. A lot of really bad ones, and the Apple Family always has the worst rumors. I heard someone say that Applejack was going to have glass bottle broken inside of her!”

“Rumors are rumors, but Tough Cookie herself told me that Applejack would have caught some lashes and a brand at the very least.” I said soberly.

“Those don’t sound quite as bad, but still. Thank you for being a good guy, Jay. I know Apple Bloom was so relieved when she heard that Applejack wasn’t coming home that she started crying out of happiness.”

“Do you know when Applejack’s supposed to go to court?” I asked. “I mean, no one’s said anything about a trial or anything.”

Belle shook her head. “There isn’t going to be one. Twilight said she saw Applejack hurt you herself, and nobody needs to check her memory since she’s the one who makes the rules around here. Applejack still hasn’t been sentenced, but it’s looking like Servitutem is going to be invoked.” She gave me an unreadable look, her face blank.

“Servitutem?” I asked.

“Yes.”

“... Gonna need an explanation on that one. It sounds like the Latin word for ‘Slave’, but this is a different planet.” I said, hoping that it didn’t mean slave.

“Well, no one actually knows what the word means anymore, but yes, that’s effectively it.” Belle replied neutrally.

“... Bitch, if you tellin’ me that I just made Applejack a slave instead a’ lettin her catch a few scars, Imma be salty as fuck.”

“... You’d rather let Applejack get branded then have her clean your shop or something? Jay, what do you think Arcadian Servitutem is?” She asked worriedly.

“Slavery. I tell her to do something, she has no choice but to do it. I don’t like that.”

“Well, yeah, but Servitutem means that you can’t just hurt your ward like in Nullord and Zgaria, and it’s not like it’s a going to be a lifelong sentence. Applejack is still going to have to come when you call and do ninety percent of what you say, but she doesn’t have to sleep with you, get hit by you, or do things that would get her severely hurt.” Belle explained.

“Still. I don’t like the idea of having someone be forced to do what I want them to do, so I guess I’m gonna push for Servitutem and not do a damn thing with it.” I walked behind my counter, grabbed some paper from my work table, and wrote another note to remind myself to talk to Twilight about it.

“If you can actually manage to go Applejack’s entire sentence without making her do anything she doesn’t want to, I’ll buy you whatever meal you want for a week. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner all day for a week.” Belle bargained.

I walked back around the counter and offered her my hand. “If I can’t do it, then I’ll return the favor.”

She gave me a look. “Yeah, no. I’m not letting a man pay for my food.”

“I come from a planet where letting a woman pay for you is humiliating. If I win, we head to The Coffee Pot and split the bill fifty-fifty.”

“... You actually eat there?” Belle asked.

“Uh, yeah? Their food is delicious.”

“Yeah, but Tea Leaf works there.”

“Tea Leaf?” I asked, raising a brow.

“Yeah. She’s this weird woman with blue eyes and brow hair and she’s like Pinkie, but more enigmatic. She always knows how you’re feeling and she always knows what your hungry for. It’s weird.” Sweetie Belle shivered.

“Belle, she’s magic. It’s obvious.” I scoffed.

“She’s an Icarian who lives on the ground! She’s unnatural, Jay!”

“Hey, if we’re talking about the same person, then I’d suggest that you keep that particular opinion to yourself. ‘Coffee Cup’ might be a little odd, but she’s a good woman with an eye for divination. Hell, depending on when you catch her, she’s either sweeter than Pinkie or funny and foul-mouthed.”

Belle pursed her lips. “I don’t think she’s going to win me over anytime soon.”

“So that’s a no to The Coffee Pot?”

“Cafe Brulee has these poached eggs that are to die for.” She tried.

I felt my eye twitch at the memory of the horribly Caucasian cooking. “Is there a place that serves like, pasta or something?”

“Uh… There aren’t any Haeledes in town that I know of, so there aren’t exactly and Haelede restaurants… Hmm… Oh! There’s a Kasu place that serves food from Tsuka-”

“Cyka blyat?” I asked, chuckling.

“T-S-U-K-A; Tsuka.” She said, giving me an odd look.

“Are Tsukans bitches or somethings?” I asked with plenty of mirth.

Belle seemed puzzled by that. “They’re Kasu, not Tsukans, and they actually pride themselves on being honorable warriors and archers. Kasu warriors are some of the coolest people on the planet.”

“Betcha I could take one down.” I grinned.

“You have to be a C-Rank Mundusian at least to be a Kasu Warrior, and good luck getting into their ranks if you’re less than a B-Rank as an Icarian.” Belle said with a little bit of salt.

“I’m guessing that Medeis don’t get many opportunities?”

“Well, the thing about that is that Zgaria, Nullord, and Arcadia are the only countries with natural-born Medeis. There really aren’t many Medeis in Tsuka, and those that stay there are usually hiding from Arcadian or Zgarian law.”

“Ah. Have you ever performed in Tsuka?”

“Arcadians really don’t have any business being over there unless they’re trying to learn how to fight.” Sweetie Belle said. “Frankly, I wouldn’t want to go over to an entire country full of Mundusians anyway. Not to be biased, but living in a Mundusian town lets you see how they act when they get together and Mundusians tend to get rowdy.”

“It’s not rowdy until there’s blood involved.” I snorted. “Any, what brings you by? I’m sure you weren’t expecting to see me here.”

“Well, I heard that there was a new shop that was opening that was supposed to be offering enchantments soon, so I was looking for a Health Charm.”

I closed my eyes and opened my mental filing cabinets. “Ah, I can do that. I know two off of the top of my head, but we can dig through some of my books and we can find something cost effective both ways.”

Belle giggled. “I’m a decently popular singer, Jay. I don’t think you’ll break the bank with whatever you decide to charge.”

I chuckled. “I’d do it for free if I wasn’t trying to avoid touching the bits Twilight made me take. I’ve got two C-Rank general wellness runes that I can whip up and there’s an actual Health Charm that I’m pretty confident in, but it’s a B-Rank.”

“Well, do the C-Rank runes do the same thing?”

“Not quite. One helps protect against stuff like the common cold and stuffy noses while the other is more of a healing charm slash ward against scrapes and bruises.” I explained.

“Oh! I definitely need the sickness one!” Belle said excitedly.

“Hold on now, Belle. The Health Charm is like that charm, but more potent, and I can modify it based on what you want. The only things I’ll need are either a magic conduit battery, a high calorie meal, or some raw mana to help me set the rune in house.”

“Oh, can you partially charge it? There’s a Mana Well in the park that you have to pay to use, but they charge by the mana you consume while you’re there.”

“Yeah, I can do a partial fill on it if you want the B-Rank rune.”

“That’s great! Do I need to come back with a blank charm bracelet, or can you make something here?”

I scratched my head. “Fu-ckin’ uhhh… I could make you a talisman type thing, otherwise you’re gonna need that blank charm.”

Belle gave me a smile so sweet it made me feel like I ate too much sugar. “What would you charge me for a talisman, Cutie?”

“Well, I was just going to cut and polish some steel in the general shape of the rune. If you want me to use a different material, I’ll actually have to charge you for it.”

“Well what do you have?”

“I’ve got some bronze, silver, tool steel, blade steel, a few mini gold ingots, and a few other metals I’ve never heard of.”

“I’d love it if you made me a gold necklace! Oh! If you let me have one of your gold ingots, I can take it to Jade’s Jewelers and have it made into a charm blank!”

I didn’t really want to trust her with my shit since it was literal gold that I was putting in her hands, but Belle struck me as a trustworthy type, and she had plenty of money to keep her sated anyway. On top of that, she wanted a charm specifically, and she was a customer, so it’s not like I could really say no without losing her business. Anyway, I had another customer come in while Belle was away with the ingot, so I popped up from behind my all too tall counter.

“Hey there, good afternoon.” I said as I stood up.

The ginger woman started and dropped one of my display pieces. “Oh shoot!”

“You’re supposed to solve the puzzle, not break it.” I chuckled.

“I-I’m sorry, you just scared the bejeebers outta me! Give a woman a little warning, will you?” She picked up the rope-and-ring puzzle and inspected it. “So what is this stuff? Is this some Encantian avant-garde decor or something?”

“Well, I just said it was a puzzle, so I guess it becomes decor when you can’t figure out how to solve it.” I chuckled some more.

She blushed, the pink in her cheeks making her adorable freckles harder to see. “So you sell puzzles?”

“Puzzles, gadgets, tools; Etcetera etcetera. I’ll probably pick up more business for Artificery than what I actually build.”

The ginger gave me an odd look. “You’re an Articifer?”

“Artificer, and yeah.”

“... But you’re not Nullordian.” She said slowly.

“I’m not even Arcadian, Gingy.”

She gaped. “How do you know my Mom’s nickname for me!?”

“... You have orange hair, you’re pale, and you have freckles. You’re a ginger.”

“My name is Ginger!”

“Weird coincidence. Do you wanna buy a thing or find a life-easening rune?”

“... Yeah, we’re just gonna get over the part where you guessed my name and nickname. Uh… What kinds of runes do you specialize in?”

I tilted my head. “I don’t really ‘specialize’ in any one field. Going from a reloadable rune to a set one trips me up from time to time, but it’s not like I can’t fix my mistakes with a little planning.”

“So you can do special health runes?” She asked hopefully.

“I know a few by heart. What do you need?” I asked leaning on the counters, propping myself up on my forearms.

“My fiance and I are having a donor come in from Minceton and we’d really prefer it if he only had to make the one trip. I don’t want my fiance to be with a man more often than she has to, so a Fertility Charm would be great!” Ginger said.

I checked the mental filing cabinet, but I didn’t have a fertility rune committed to memory. “Do you know if it’s a runeset or if it’s just a single rune?”

“Uh… No clue, bud.”

“Right. Tell ya what; I’ve got a B-Rank modrune coming up anyway and I’ll probably be dumping a lot of mana into that, so why don’t you come back tomorrow after I’ve done some research? There’s never just one rune for most shit, so I’ll probably have some options for you by noon.” I gave her a lopsided grin.

Ginger checked her watch. “Noon tomorrow? Can I come by a little earlier?”

“I open at eight thirty.” I offered.

“Then I’ll be by around nine.” She said, smiling. “For now, can you tell me what the point of this is?” She held up the wooden puzzle she’d dropped earlier.

“Ah, you’re supposed to try to get the ring off of the rope without breaking or cutting anything. It’s possible, I assure you.”

“It doesn’t seem like it’d be impossible.” She scoffed.

“Take five to give it a shot.” I said, biting back dark laughter.

Five minutes later, Ginger let out a frustrated noise and said, “What the Tartarus! Shop Guy, there’s no way this comes off!”

“Bring it here, Gingy.” I said patronizingly.

She stormed over and put it on the counter. “I’m a Medeis too. I’ll know if you-” I reached out and solved the puzzle as she was talking. “Go fuck yourself. Seriously.”

I put the ring back on the rope properly and scooted it back to Ginger. “Wanna try again?”

“How much?” She grunted.

I beamed at her. “It’s a twenty bit pastime, but I’ll let you have it for fifteen if you don’t break it before you get out of the shop.”

Ginger glared at the thing and slammed a Twily onto the counter. “Can I have store credit instead of change?”

“Um… Yeah, sure. Good thing I have a couple of blank ledgers.” I walked over to one of the cabinets under my counter and grabbed one of the blank books from the stack. “Ten bits for Miss Ginger on the books.”

“That’s Ginger Root.” She corrected.

“And that’s why I left extra space for your name.” I filled in the blank. “Say, what’s up with the noun-adjective slash noun-noun names in Arcadia?”

She gave me a blank look. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Well, take you for instance. Your name is Ginger Root, right? Ginger is a plant, and a root is a part of a plant, but both words are nouns. Well, pronouns since they’re your name, but still. My name is Jay, and that’s just an abbreviation of Jameson, which is not a noun. Do you get where I’m coming from here?”

“No.” She said flatly.

“... Have fun with your puzzle.” I replied drily.

“I’m burning it if I can’t figure it out by the end of the week.” She said hotly.

“You know I make metal puzzle too, right? In fact, I also just started making puzzle cubes if you’re interested.”

“One at a time, bud.” Ginger picked up the puzzle and glared at it. “Once I solve this one, I’ll be back.”

“Except for the Fertility Charm.” I reminded.

“Ah, right! You’ll get started on that soon, right?”

“Leave me alone and I’ll do it now.” I jibed.

She gave me a look. “You’re a smartass.”

“Hey, I’m the smartest of the asses.” I grinned. “It’s insulting to label me as a commoner when I’m actually Professor Smartass. In fact, it’s more like Headmaster Smartass.”

“You’re weird, bud.” Ginger said frankly.

“And your hair looks like it’s on fire. What’s your point?”

“... I’m not a hothead.” She said, her cheeks reddening.

“Never said you were.” I let my right hand rest on Ol’ Faithful.

“Good.” She replied curtly. “Because I’m not.”

“You’re also lacking in the ass department, but that’s neither here nor there.”

Ginger laughed at me. “Bud, girls don’t care about what their butts look like. Most guys want to see a giant pair of back-breakers.”

I made a face. “Boobs are nice and all, but they’re decorations. A woman’s legs and rear are more fun to stroke and squeeze to me, and plus I find them more visually appealing. When a woman has great legs, she usually has a great ass.”

She frowned heavily, but didn’t quite glare at me. “You don’t like pawing at some poor woman’s chest for hours on end?”

“... Like I said; decorations. Hell, one of my girlfriends is barely a B-Cup.”

“How many do you have in your harem?” Ginger asked, arms folded, posture standoffish.

“Two. I had three, but my first girlfriend put her hands on me and I’m not trying to get fucked up.”

She winced and shame crossed her face. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-”

“Ay, it’s cool. My point still stands though.”

Ginger huffed and squeezed her breasts together a little more like I wouldn’t notice. “Just because you don’t like boobs doesn’t mean that the general consensus changed.”

“In my country, more men were into the caboose than the… Y’know what? I don’t have a train analogy for boobs, but whatever. Guys where I’m from generally like booty because you can spank it, grab it, and if she’s open to it, go exploring.”

My customer blushed and nodded. “I prefer butts myself, but I never thought I’d be talking to a guy I barely knew about sexual preferences.”

“I never thought a ginger wouldn’t try to eat my soul upon coming into contact with me, yet here we are.” I replied.

“I don’t get it.”

“Don’t worry about it.” I rapped the counter twice with my knuckles as I saw someone prepare to open the door. “Ayyy, it’s looking like I’m actually picking up some business.”

Ginger turned to see who it was. “Clear Sky! How are you, Hun?”

“Ginger! I’m doing fine, Babydoll, how about you?” The familiar voice replied.

“Still a little nervous about that Minceton donor, but hopefully Mr. Shop Guy can whip me up a Fertility Charm that does the trick the first time around.”

“Shop Guy told you his name already.” I said irritably.

Ginger turned and shrugged. “I forgot what it was.”

“It’s Jay.” I replied drolly.

“Like Blue Jay?”

“No. Just Jay. Like the letter.”

“Jay? You mean Ty’s brother Jay?” Sky peered around Ginger and smiled at me. “It is you! How’ve you been, Buddy?”

“I’ve been better, been a lot worse. I opened up a shop. What’s going on in your world?” I asked casually.

“Well, I’ve been trying to keep Strats’ schedule, but it’s been a challenge so far.” Clear Skies sighed. “Rainbow Dash, our Division leader, keeps putting in orders for sunny days which means that our cloud reservoir is building, and it’s probably going out come out during fall or winter, and it’s going to suck something fierce. Just can’t tell that dumb bitch anything.”

“There aren’t any male Icarians under her, are there?” I asked carefully.

She gave me a look. “We run through them like raindrops. Rainbow tortures any guy who tries to do more than bust clouds.”

“Isn’t that all she’s having you guys do? I mean, I look up and I see you crazy magic mother fuckers punching clouds apart like that’s supposed to make sense according to the laws of reality all the time.” I rubbed my chin, curious like a cat, but less likely to die from investigating my interests.

Clear Sky shook her head. “That’s not all we do. We also take trips to Aeriopolis to give reports, receive special training, and occasionally see the Wonderbolts. It’s not that far away if you’re a fast flyer, but Rainbow makes it a point to give guys sketchy schedules so it’s hard for them to go for more than a day at a time, and she never picks them to go to Aeriopolis. If you say anything, then she tells you to deal with it or leave. I mean, the way she treats men is a shame, but that’s just how it is for guys in Arcadia.”

Ginger was nodding right along. “Even Fancy Pants, probably the richest model in Encantia, still answers to his wife publically, Madam Fleur De Lis. A man known for his daunting physique and stubborn negotiations still bends his knee.” She purred creepily. It probably should have been sexy, but I felt like she was gonna rape that dude despite being a lesbian.

Sky was clearly uncomfortable. “... Aren’t you gay?”

“Sexy is sexy. Fancy’s the only guy who’d get a finger anywhere other than my hand.”

“Right. But aren’t there independant men who own their own businesses or something? Male royalty?” I inquired, not really liking my own expectations.

“Of course there are, but no one really takes those companies seriously since they’re mostly male due to the fact that few enough women want to answer to a guy, and the two ‘Princes’ are both jokes. It apparently just doesn’t matter that guys can manufacture goods, fill desks, and manage teams just as well as a woman, or that there are competent, humble guys who could be real royalty.” Clear Sky scowled. “And we wonder why more men are starting to head west with their harems.”

“Man, now I just wanna wait for some female to come at me sideways. Like, how the fuck- Bruh, this is like the nineteen fifties version of America with less technology and I’m the trophy wife. Bruh.” I grumbled, more than slightly pissed.

“... What’s that even mean?” Ginger asked.

“It means I need to make gloves for winter.” I replied, cooling my tone. “It’s gonna be a bad one, right?”

“If Captain Dumbass keeps it up, yeah.” Sky sighed. “Look, Jay, I know I said… A lot. I said a lot, but don’t do something rash because of it. I know it’s an injustice, but angry actions solve nothing.”

“That’s why I’ll be making gloves after I research a rune for a customer. Speaking of, what can I help you with?” I asked.

Sky blinked. “What.”

“This is a shop. You got sidetracked by Ginger, then by conversation, but this is my shop.”

“And with that, I’ll be back tomorrow for my charm.” Ginger said. “Expect me to pay you less since you’re a guy.”

Clear Sky glared at her. “Don’t joke about that.”

Ginger grinned and actually started to leave. “What? I’m not allowed to haggle?”

The Icarian gave her a dirty look. “He’s a friend of Applejack’s.”

I loved the way the freckles almost seemed to get darker as the blood drained from Ginger Root’s face. “... Small town small world.” She chuckled awkwardly for a little too long in an equally awkward silence. Her exit was entertaining to say the least as she twitched and jerked, trying not to run out of the shop.

When she was gone, Sky asked, “I don’t think she was being serious, but it never hurts to be sure, right?”

I nodded. “Right. Thank you for that, Sky. I would’ve just goaded her into throwin’ the first punch so I could lay her out, but your way was less bloody.”

She blinked at me. “... What?”

“It really rather quite bothers me when someone looks down on me. Chaps my ass and loads my gun for me.” I smiled.

“... Right... “ She glanced behind her at the door and I wondered what the fuck was up with people being scared of shit in my shop. “I… Jay, I need to ask you a question and you need to promise me that it stays between us.”

“We barely know each other, Sweets. I set you up to fuck my brother and we agreed to meet up and do something at an undisclosed date. That’s asking a lot.”

“I know, I know, but if you’re as upset about the way men are treated in Arcadia as I am, then it’s not really that much. I think we’re on the same page.” She winked, her face flat.

It took a second to click into place. “... Yeah, we are. Let’s talk in the back.”

I rolled on over to the front door and flipped my sign so that I was officially closed before taking Clear Sky to the back of the shop for what I assumed was going to be a very interesting chat. She didn’t wait long to say, “I didn’t want to say anything in front of Ginger, but Rainbow Dash needs to be put down. She’s already caused a more than a dozen men to take their own lives, a few women, and she barely even cares! She kills people’s dreams with a smile on her face like she’s watching a fat cat fall out off of a table, so Strats and I are leading a squad of the Equalists here in Magiville and we already have Tough Cookie on our side, but if we had an Artificer to help us gear up and get the drop on a few targets…” She left the left for me to put together myself.

“Can she dodge an arrow?” I asked.

“From a shortbow, yes. No one can set up a shot on her with a longbow.”

“What about a recurve or a crossbow?”

“... What?” Sky asked, befuddled.

“Alright, so I can’t make a recurve bow, but I can make you a compound bow with a draw weight heavy enough to get the job done. It’s gonna take me a minute since I’ll have to do some digging, but I can get one put together in about a week if I don’t have much to do at night. However, I can make ya a crossbow in like, three days. It’ll take about a week to learn how to shoot it though.” I replied, already drawing up ideas for improvements of conventional versions of both options.

“... We have a Double A-Rank Mundusian. Does that help?”

“... What all are we working with?” I sighed.

“She’s the one who’s most likely going to get the target. Her best weapon is a slingshot.”

“... Bruh. I mean, like, bruuuh.”

“That’s bad, isn’t it.” Sky said, not really asking a question.

I held my silence for a little bit and started walking around the shop, looking at things, piecing together the puzzle.. It came in intricate pieces, like how the resistance cogs would be bolted into place as the compensator slid along it. The pipe had to at least have three inches of inner circumference to fit a viable pulley, and the trigger mechanism would have to have an especially tough flipper to stop it from straight up breaking with the magical mass I was planning on adding to the counterweight, but I was planning on carving runes into everything anyway.

“Jay? Are you alright?” Sky asked after a minute or two.

“I’m straight. I’ll have a slingshot ready for you in two days.” I said robotically, the schematic already in my head. “If you get caught with it, you stole it from me.”

“Gotcha. I’ll have to take you out for a drink after this particular mission is over.” Clear Sky said platonically.

“I don’t drink, but I do eat. Grab food somewhere of your choosing.”

She snorted. “I’m not going to let you trick me into that. You’re going to hate wherever I pick.”

I gave her a shitty look. “Isn’t that a stereotype?”

“I’ve yet to date a guy who didn’t hate it when I picked where we ate.”

“I’m from a different planet.”

“... Point Jay. I’m going to head out, so do you want me to flip your sign?”

“If you wouldn’t mind. If you see singing sensation Sweetie Belle on your way, send her back if you don’t mind.”

“No problem. I’ll tell Strats to come by for an induction if you want into the Equalists.”

“I’m dating Twilight Sparkle.” I said softly. “It’s unwise for me to do much more than I’ve already promised.”

“... Holy shit, I almost sank the ship.” Sky breathed.

“You’re good, Sweets. Just keep it quiet and don’t get caught. Actually, come back two nights from now and I’ll leave my shop unlocked so you can come and steal the slingshot so they don’t do a memory check or some shit.”

“Ah! That’s pretty smart! Are you sure you haven’t done something like this before?”

“You don’t want me to answer that.” I said flatly. At her stunned look, I asked, “Weren’t you going to go flip my sign or something? I don’t see much flipping going on around here.”

She gave me a look, having shaken off her mild shock. “Whatever, Jay. Leave the thing somewhere easy to see, okay?”

“It’ll be on the worktable, so shoo.” I shooed her off.

She rolled her eyes and took her leave, so I had a quick lunch and reopened the shop shortly after. I decided to start looking for Fertility Charms in The Runic Compendium since it was basically just a rune encyclopedia, and it didn’t take all that long to find a couple in each rank. I practiced my craft and made a couple of talismans of some sub C-Rank runes, which got me fucking burned once because talismans are tricky little bitches. All you have to do is shape your material down to follow the design of the rune, but depending on the density of the metal you use, it’ll just get hot or it’ll roast your ass. It’s mostly because talismans set faster than normal runes, but it’s partially because they also take a bit more magic to make, hence why I ate lunch before trying to do anything.

I started working on some gloves in the front of my shop by scraping off layers of leather for an hour until I had something I could actually work with. After that, I cut a purposefully fucked up hand out of the same sheet of leather I’d been using for a couple things at that point and fucked around until I got the design in my head made into life. My gloves had a few extra holes in them since I’d made them too small once, but with some and and use, I was willing to bet that the little pieces of P.P.E. were going to be doing me plenty of favours. I had another quick snack and let that digest for a while to get my mana stores back up while I waited for a customer or something, and it was then that I realized that retail sucks. Like, It was cool that I’d gotten to aid a rebellion of sorts, but they were basically terrorists in the grand scheme of things and that made me smile. I also considered Malcolm X a terrorist until he got wise, but he was still willing to fight for what he believed in, and I respect that up to a certain point.

To take a quick aside because this is more of a tell-all than a journal, I didn’t and still don’t condone racism. I joke about White people food because no one takes offense to it unless, and this should be fuckin’ obvious, you’re saying it to someone who cooked your meal. Malcolm X preached for vengeance, but dude was wrong. Then dude went to Mecca, wised up, and got killed because he wasn’t toeing the line anymore, but that’s an extremely abridged version that does Mr. Malik El-Shabazz no real amount of justice. The point I’m trying to make is that while I think that going the extra mile for your cause is a good thing, you shouldn’t have to put people down to do it. I’m a hypocrite, I know, but I’m a hypocrite with wisdom, dammit.

Anyway, Sweetie Belle eventually came back about an hour before I was going to close up shop and I got her Health Charm finished by the time I was due to close. I placed the necklace on the counter once I was finished and Belle gave me a brilliant smile. “So it’s done?”

“It’s about as set as I can get it for the time being.” I replied.

“Oh, thank you! So how much do I owe you for this?”

“How much are you trying to pay?” I asked, deflecting back to her.

“... Well, the last Health Charm I saw was a C-Class that didn’t do nearly as much as the one you made. The Runic Compendium said that it protected against colds, flu, cuts, mild concussions, and promoted healthy hair and nails, right?” Belle asked.

I scoffed. “It said that. I had to turn it from a modrune to a runeset, which is why it took me so long. It needed the full suite to be written out, which it did not say in the book. It’s still a B-Class and it still does all those things, but it’s going to take a little more mana to fill.”

“Oh… Then how does a Celly sound?” Belle asked, her voice carrying a strange quality.

I grimaced. “Call it eighty and we’ll be fine.”

Her jaw dropped. “A-Are you sure about that? I mean, I know we’re friends, but-”

“Meet me in the middle?” I asked, all too ready to move onto my next task.

Sweetie Belle gave me a confused look. “I guess a man really can’t run a business.”

“It’s not like I have any experience in the field, dumbass.” I sneered. “I’m a mechanic; part time puzzle guy. I’ve never had to sell anything other than rocks and weed. And actual candy, but still.”

“... If you don’t know how to run a business, why did you buy a shop?” Belle asked, even more confused.

“Twilight bought the shop and basically told me to figure it out. I’m tryna work it, but…” I shrugged and raised my palms. “I don’t actually know anything about this sort of shit.”

Belle fished around in her purse and laid two Prinnies on the countertop. “B-Rank runes are generally a hundred and fifty bits because they’re so hard to get right, but that’s D-Rank Artificer’s making B-Rank runes. You should ask Twilight about apprenticing for another Artificer sometime before you do more B-Rank runes, honestly. If someone asks you for a particularly complex one and you don’t know what to charge, you’re probably going to get haggled hard.”

“Alright, then. I’ll have to see Twilight after I get another customer squared away. What should I be charging for a Fertility Charm and/or talisman?”

“Well, a charm at a C-Rank would be worth a Looney to most women, and a talisman would probably net you eighty-five or ninety bits depending on how frugal you want to be.”

“Oh, I’m charging her a Celly for the talisman and ninety-nine bits for the charm.” I grinned evilly. “Teach that bitch to disrespect me in my shop.”

“... So she can go around telling everyone that you overcharge for runes?”

“I’m the only Artificer in town.” I replied.

“Ah. Right. Huh. I guess you kind of have a corner on the market.”

I shrugged. “Spread the word and get me heard.”

“I’ll talk to Spoiled Rich about coming here for a… Vitality rune for her husband. I know Rarity’s been going on and on about it forever. Why my sister stays so entrenched in other people’s business, I’ll never know. I just want her to shut up about it.” Belle said irritably.

“Viagra in a rune. Huh. I’ll wait to look into it until they actually come.” I picked up the coins Belle had laid on the counter, keeping the Celly and laying the Caddy back down. “Hundred bits sounds fair to me for my first B-Rank rune. I know I felt the partial set, but it’s not as pretty as it could be.”

Belle took her coin back with a smile. “You know, you really are a nice guy. I’ve heard that you’re supposed to finish last.”

“Ask Twilight about the second part.” I quipped.

Sweetie Belle’s face lit up and she sputtered. “U-Uh… I wasn’t really expecting you to go there to be honest with you. Most guys would have just flipped me off.”

“From a different planet.”

“Didn’t you say that already?”

“Why’d you make me say it again?”

“Shut up, smartass.” Belle huffed.

“Hey, if you wanna go, we can go. I’ll take you down, half pint.” I shot back.

“Hey! That’s not fair! You’re bigger than me!”

“Yeah, so? You’re the woman.” I mocked.

Belle blushed and crossed her arms. “You’re lucky I don’t know any prank spells or you’d be standing there with wet undies!”

I beamed at her as I slid my hand over a rune hidden behind my desk. “What’s your cup size?”

“A-Cup. Why- Wait, I didn’t want to tell you that! JAY!” Sweetie Belle protested.

I bit my lip to stop from giggling at her. “It’s okay, Sweetie Belle. I’ve heard milk helps.”

She flipped me off. “I have no problems with my chest, thank you very much!”

I opened my mouth to make it so much worse, but I saw her lower lip start to tremble and sighed. “Ah, man. I’m too funny for this life.”

“You’re not funny at all.” Belle grumbled.

“I’m sorry, Belle, I wasn’t trying to hurt your feelings.” I said sincerely. “I was, however, trying to fuck with you.”

“Mission successful.” She muttered.

I walked around the counter and gave her a hug that she returned after a little bit. “Again, I’m sorry.”

“... I’m not flat.” Belle replied grumpily.

I wanted to say ‘Close enough’ or ‘Can we get a level to check?’, but I still wanted Belle to like me, so I went with, “I never said you were, I just said that you need milk to help strengthen your bones and teeth so you can grow from the adorable preteen girl that you are into a stunning young-” She jammed her thumb into my side. “Nope, not a lady at all.”

“Hey! Just because you’re a butthead doesn’t mean I’m mean to everyone! You’re just giving me a lot of good reasons.”

“I’m also tired and want to get started on my side job, so get your thumb out of my side and love me, Shorty.”

She did as I asked and said, “Please don’t make fun of my chest.”

“I’ll avoid it in the future. Can I still make fun of you for being short?”

“Shut up, tubby.”

I picked her up and carried her outside so I could set her down, lock the door, and go back in. Belle stood at the door, glaring at me for like three minutes until I came back with her necklace. “Were you expecting me to come back?”

She gave me a look. “You’re a butt.”

“My butt’s nicer than yours.” I gave her the thing. “Have a nice evening, Belle.”

Sweetie Belle gave me a little smile. “I’d tell you to have a good night, but you’re a butt. Butt’s can’t talk.”

I made a farting noise with my hands and Belle gave me a fucked up look before she finally got the fuck out of my hair. With her out of the way, I could get back to making the mechanism that would go inside of my high-tech slingshot,  which took a fucking minute. I ended up staying up late to finish getting the pieces of the mechanism sized and prepped for assembly, but I was fucking starving since I’d drained my magic to fill Sweetie Belle’s charm and my Alchemy rune decahedron cost more magic to use. Twilight had warned me that using too much magic would start burning fat straight off of my body, and when the hunger pains grew to the point where I couldn’t make it off of my floor, I figured out exactly what she meant.

Everything from my fingers to my toes felt like it was melting from the inside as a thick, fuckin’ gross liquid started oozing from the fattiest parts of my body, namely my belly, thighs, and ass. The straight disgust I felt from having my body fat ooze out of me was overshadowed by a mile, and the monolith that was standing over it was the amount of fucking pain I was in. After a few minutes of agony, my skin started to swell and before I knew it, the feeling was gone and I started to deflate as I lay in a puddle of foul-smelling, slightly glowing… Goop, that made life just suck.

The worst part of the ordeal was when my skin started sloughing off and regrowing rapidly, which happened shortly after I managed to catch my breath from being fat-burnified. Unlike when my insides had been melting, I couldn’t grit my teeth and ride this one out with grunts of distress. I roared my pain out, trying to get a grip on myself while the invisible knives were slicing away at me, while the hooks pulled at the raw flesh, while my bones condensed and felt like they were cracking. That was the longest part of the ordeal, and I have to say that it was the shittiest by far. When the unfortunate event was over, I was physically and mentally drained, but I wasn’t in excruciating pain anymore. Life was still sucking since I was covered in new, raw skin, although I could still get out of the puddle of ick and up my stairs.

I resolved to throw the clothes I’d been wearing away after I took them off. Dead skin coated every part of me, and I made a point of it to wipe as much of it off as I could before getting in the shower. I still clogged the drain with what I missed because I was just that exhausted, but I did manage to get clean at least. Drying off was Hellish, but I was good to get dressed afterwards, but I just wasn’t hungry for anything. I had some more bread, cheese, butter, and a few snacks that I could chomp on to get my energy up, but I just wasn’t feeling it. Something was definitely wrong, but when I considered that I just didn’t want to eat what was in my house, I resolved to go go to The Coffee Pot to see if I was actually some kind of fucked up since ‘Coffee Cup’ could probably tell me one way or another. I guess the inborn hatred of doctors runs deep in all men: even those who try to keep a logical mind.

I headed downstairs once I got my head together and opened up shop while I cleaned up the mess that was on my fucking floor, and let me fucking tell you. LeT mE fUcKin’ TeLL ya. Fat? It doesn’t come out of hardwood. It doesn’t like to be mopped up. I had to grab a towel and scoop that shit up. The yellowish, reddish, pinkish shit was just some kinda fuckin’ gross and the smell had only gotten worse, so I opened the back door, set fire to the towel and the fat at the end of the alley so that the wind would carry the smoke out of town, and made sure to close the door to my workshop so that the front of the place didn’t start to reek.

Ginger came by at the proper time while I was waxing and waning with how ‘there’ I was at the moment and said, “Morning, Shop Guy. You look like shit.”

“Rough night.” I said, propping myself up on the counter. “I got a few Fertility Talismans made for you. They’re an F-Rank and a D-Rank. They were just supposed to be practice, but if you need it now, they’re all I can offer. They both turned out good; set just fine and all, they’re just not what I’d like to sell to ya.”

“... I was looking for an E-Rank charm. Do you think I’m made of money or something?”

I gave her a tired look. “Do you have any preference on metal?”

Ginger dug around in her purse for a second before producing a silver heart. “If you could inscribe it on this, that’d be great.”

I took the little bauble from her and frowned. “Putting a rune on this ain’t the problem. Getting it deep enough to do anything is gonna ruin the piece unless you want me to link it to a plate or something for ten more bits.”

“Been at this for awhile, huh?” Ginger remarked drily.

“It’s the basics of my job. The deeper the engraving, the stronger the rune. That’s why enchanted jewelry, as in the shit that’s actually worth something, is usually intralinked to a leyline circuit that’s usually only viable because someone wears so much shiny shit. Either that or they tie it to a fuckin’ metal cube and carry that instead of lookin’ like a flashy fuckhead.”

“... So how much is the rune itself going to cost me?”

I shrugged. “I don’t fuck with E-Rank runes because it’s basic shit. Fifteen bits for wasting my time, ten for making me backtrack, and five because you’re a ginger.”

“... I’m not even going to say anything. If that’s what you want to charge, then I’ll shut up.” Ginger smiled.

I held back a smirk since I knew that for the amount of effort I was putting in, I was getting the better end of the deal. “Do you want me to link it?”

“The total’s forty bits, right?”

“Sure is.”

“Then yes, please.” She asked politely.

“No problem. Either get lost or screw around with a puzzle for a little bit so I can make your thing.” I took it over to my work table and browsed through the quarter-inch thick, two by two plates that I’d cut using the magic plasma cutter that I finally figured out how use. I had to break down and she the simple instruction manual, but I still considered it a victory, even if my manly pride took a bit of a hit.

I grabbed The Runic Compendium and found the page I’d marked for personal/private health and dug around for an E-Rank fertility charm that was actually just a Celtic fucking knot. Like, it was seriously just a Celtic Knot, but that struck me as horribly, horribly understated for the symbology behind the triquetra. Granted I’m not and have never been into Celtic mythology, but I do like Western European history, and the Celts were fucking interesting. The symbol of unity should have been more than a simple fertility rune, so I wrote myself a note that reminded me to go talk to Twilight about runes.

After like, eight minutes of lazy, half-assed engraving, the rune set like I expected it to, but then I added some extra accents to make the rune look less forced. I rose from my seat while Ginger Root was trying to figure out a simple twisted nail puzzle and said, “Ay, it’s good.”

She snapped to attention and came over to inspect my work. “Huh. It’s kinda warm.”

“Runes tend to do that the closer they are to thing they’re linked to.” I said drily.

Ginger colored. “I’m not an Articifer! How am I supposed to know that!?”

“Artificer, and I’m not even from this planet, Sweets. You have no excuse.”

“What do you mean you’re not from this planet?” She asked suspiciously.

“I mean that the Creator thought I’d be better of here than on my home planet. I question his judgement, but then again, he said it was cool if I did.”

Ginger gave me a look before handing me a Caddy. “You’re crazy.”

“Everyone says that till the weasels attack.” I sighed, going over to my register to grab her change.

She stopped me short. “Hey, can I get more store credit instead of change again?”

I made an about face and grabbed the credit ledger. “Sure thing. Hell, at this rate you’ll be able to afford one of my puzzle cubes when they come out and you won’t even have to bring a penny.”

“Wait, you wanna charge twenty bits for a puzzle!? That’s highway robbery!”

“Tch. You don’t know how hard the puzzle is to solve.” I scoffed, baiting her.

“... Okay, so that little ring and rope puzzle still has me flummoxed, but what can you do with a cube that makes it a puzzle?”

“You cut it into thirty-six pieces and make people line up the pieces by color… Or color and number for increased difficulty.” I smiled brightly.

She grabbed the large nail puzzle she’d set down. “You know you can’t sell this one for twenty bits, right?”

“That one’s only ten. Five for material cost, five for construction.”

“Ah. I’ve never seen nails these big, so I’m guessing you make them yourself?” Ginger said disinterestedly.

“I make everything in here myself.” I grunted. “Idle hands makes a soft mind.”

She chuckled at that. “You sound like my Mom, which is weird because you’re a dude. Maybe I’m just biased, but you actually seem like a good guy.”

“I try. Now I’m gonna go grab somethin’ to eat. You’re welcome to do whatever.”

“Have fun with that.” She chuckled.

Ginger placed the twisted nail puzzle back where she found it and I followed her out of the shop. After locking up, I made my way over to The Coffee Pot, but I only got about two steps inside before ‘Coffee Cup’ came at me from a blindspot. “Have a seat, Jay. I’ve already got your order at your spot.”

“Hot damn, woman; will you marry me?” I asked, only half joking. Kinda.

She gave me an amused look. “You’re lucky that I picked up Mustard Green’s shift, Mister, now go and sit.”

“Sure, sure. Yes Ma’am.” I chuckled.

‘Coffee Cup’ hadn’t been lying when she said that she had a meal ready for me when I got to my usual spot, but it wasn’t a burger and a fucktonne of fries. Instead before me sat a bowl of the most divine smelling chili I’d ever had the pleasure of smelling, the spiciness tingling in my nose, but I had to have a sip of whatever potion ‘Coffee’ whipped up for me this time. The beverage was crystal clear with a slight blue tint to it, and when I sniffed it, it didn’t really smell like anything. When I sipped it, it wasn’t water, but it didn’t really have a distinct taste to it either. It vaguely reminded me of cream or something like that, so I figured that it was there to help cull the heat from the chili.

I wanted to wait for a little bit to eat, but my food was rapidly cooling, so I tucked in with the piece of bread provided alongside the bowl and got down to business. The chili was dope beyond heroin as far as I’m concerned. Like, it was a nice, clean high that left you craving more, but not as bad as I would guess heroin to be. Still, once I was full and ready to make someone’s nose give out of them, I drained the nearly flavorless beverage and put a Twily underneath the bowl for my favorite waitress since she didn’t come back while I was eating.

I was fucking exhausted before getting to The Coffee Pot, but with some food on my stomach, I could feel my heartbeat strengthening as I walked along, thudding along as the meal turned from food to mana or some shit. By the time I got to Twilight’s I was actually buzzing a little and felt pretty good for having spent the night in a puddle of my own fat and blood. Sure, I was a little lightheaded, but when you smoke as much dope I do, a little lightheadedness matters less and less.

When Spike answered the door, he blew a thin cloud of smoke out of his nose. “Hey man.”

“‘Sup dude? You alright?” I asked.

“Twilight’s being… Well, she’s not being cool. Let’s go with that.”

“Want me to handle this one?”

“If you can get through to her, please do. She’s with Rarity right now, so good luck.”

“If nothing else, I’ll just lick Twilight until she makes me stop. She oughta be offa whatever bullshit she’s on by then.” I replied easily.

“... Right. If it works, I’ll give you ten bits.”

“That’s if I even have to.” I reminded him. “Normal Twilight rules don’t apply to me.”

“Fair enough.” He turned around and lead me inside, stopping by the library part of the house long enough to say, “Twilight, your Boy-Toy is here.”

I flicked the back of his head and he gave me a shit eating grin. “You might breathe fire, but I have duct tape.”

“I don’t know what that is, but have fun.” He scoffed softly before heading upstairs.

I rounded the corner and came into the library bit where Twilight and Rarity were waiting for me to come in. “Afternoon, Purps, Rarity. What’s up?”
‘
Rarity gave me a stony look. “We were just discussing the value of having a significant other in your life. I say it’s better to wait for Mr. Right to come along.”

Twilight gave her a dirty look. ”My Mr. Right did come along! He’s stopping by to visit!”

“Actually, quote unquote 'Mr. Right' is stopping by to ask if he needs to go to the hospital since he had a magic meltdown.” I commented casually. “He wouldn’t mind coming back later if now’s a bad time.”

“Speaking about yourself in third person is terribly tacky, Darling.” Rarity sniped haughtily.

“Bein’ a twat’s tackier.” I replied smoothly. I turned to Twilight and asked, “So was the meltdown bad?”

Twilight cocked her head at me. “What does ‘twat’ mean?”

“I’d also like to know.” Rarity chimed in.

“Yeah cool, but I asked my question first.” I reminded. “I also need to know if I’m going to die, so can we answer mine first?”

“If you’re asking, you’re fine.” Twilight said dismissively. “It’s not like you were paralyzed for it, right?”

“Stuck on the floor for about seven hours.” I replied drily.

Her jaw dropped before it snapped closed and she shook her head. “Jay, tell me exactly what happened.”

I gave her a little smile. “Twat literally means vagina.”

“Why did you call me a set of genitals?” Rarity asked.

“It implies that it’s all you are.” I answered.

“... That’s not very nice.” The blue-violet haired woman said.

“Neither was taking shots at me.”

Rarity didn’t seem to care about turnabout being fair play. “I’ll thank you to not insult me, Jay.”

“I’ll thank you to keep my name out of your mouth.” I turned to Twilight. “Sweetie Belle came in and asked for a B-Rank Health Charm yesterday and-”

Twilight gave me a weird look. “Even if that drained you, runic magic wouldn’t leave you bone dry unless you had a Flowbound ATD.”

“The story wasn’t over.” I said drolly.

“Oh. Sorry.” Twilight blushed. “Still, I have to ask how much Magic you put into the charm.”

“Everything I could get through my ATD at the time.” I answered, glancing at Rarity. “She’s one of your closest friends, right?”

“Rarity? Of course!”

“Then I probably went overboard with transmutation. I was trying to size up some raw material so I could get it made into parts, then get it assembled, but I only got so far as getting the parts clean and prepped for assembly.”

Twilight stared at me. “... Jameson Underwood, how many consecutive transformations did you do without visiting a Mana Well?”

“Couldn’t tell ya.” I answered.

“Do you know how long you were at it?”

“Four hours, give or take.”

Rarity made a strange noise. “Darling, if that’s true, then you should be dead.”

I shrugged and patted my stomach. “Lost some weight, so it’s whatever.”

Twilight got up from her seat and beckoned me over with a finger. “Jay, come here for a sec, Sweetie.

“Are you going to nag at me?” I asked jokingly.

“No, Sweetie. Just come here for a second.” She requested sweetly.

Her bangs were partially in her eyes and they were wrinkled by her gentle smile, but there was a note in Twilight’s voice that made me extremely wary of doing what she asked. “You know what? Why don’t we-” She teleported me in front of her and reached up, gently taking my chin in her hand.

“Shh… Jay, you got really lucky, okay?” Twilight said softly.

“Cool.” I replied elegantly.

She poked my belly. “I thought your clothes seemed to be looser on you, but I thought it was just my imagination…”

I looked at her, hoping that she wasn’t planning on breaking my face. “Slim Jay bad Jay?”

“No, Slim Jay good, but I want you to promise me something.” Twilight said softly, her grip on my chin growing a little firmer.

“... Sure thing, Purps. What is it?”

“Don’t do stupid stuff like that again. Just because you upped your rank this time doesn’t mean that you’ll make it next time.”

“... I did the what now?”

“I have to agree, Jay. One doesn’t simply up their rank. It takes months, if not years for some unlucky sub D-Rankers,of exercising your pool of mana, not to mention practicing spells to go to the next rank!”

Twilight shrugged and turned to Rarity. “I don’t know what you want me to tell you, Rarity. Jay’s pool of Magic went from a C-Plus to a B-Minus. I don’t know how, but he skipped Double-C entirely.”

“Wait, what about Triple C?” I asked.

“Triple-C is B-Minus.” Twilight clarified. “The only ranks with a triple rating are A and F.”

“Ah. So my seven hours of suffering turned out to be for the best?” I asked.

“An MBO, Mana Burn Out, shouldn’t have made you up a rank by itself, Jay.” Rarity chimed in. “Like we’ve said, you shouldn’t be here right now. People who survive MBO’s like yours tend to drop ranks-”

“If they survive, but think about those usual circumstances, Rarity. Most people who have an MBO go from using next to none of their mana on a daily basis to using it like mad and ignoring the personal side-effects when they pop up. Ever since Jay opened his shop, he’s spent his time practicing runes and after I drew him up the Alchemy circle, I don’t doubt that he’s been using it to copy the puzzles he’s been making. If Jay actually had mana back on Earth and just didn’t know how to use it, then he must have stirred up a pool of mana so stagnant that running it dry didn’t matter until he started drawing on his Final Reserves.” Twilight lectured brutally.

“Yeah, I probably should’ve stopped when I started getting hungry.” I scratched my face.

Twilight and Rarity stared at me for a second. “What does that have to do with anything?” The asked simultaneously, almost like they were trying to make the perfect echo. They did pretty damn well in that aspect.

“When I start running low on mana I get hungry. After I eat, I usually have to wait a couple minutes before the juice goes loose, but still. Probably should’ve grabbed a snack instead of trying to power through.” I looked at them blankly because I didn’t know what expression I was supposed to be wearing.

“... Your heart didn’t start hurting?” Twilight asked.

“It did when the hunger pains made me hit the floor.” I replied. “Before that I was fine though.”

“... Okay, you’re an anomaly and we’re spending the day together tomorrow. I’ll pay you your losses for the day if I have to: I need to study you!” Twilight’s eyes took on a slightly creepy gleam and I glanced at Rarity.

She shrugged. “Don't look at me, Darling. I’m just a twat.”

“Maxdammit.” I muttered. “I guess I’ve gotta find a better hiding place now.”

“Hiding is useless!” Twilight cheered.

“Right. Magic girlfriend.” I pinched the bridge of my nose. “You’re not gonna try and probe me, are you?”

“... Is that a no to the probe?” She asked stupidly.

“Twilight, everyone says no to the probe.” Rarity drawled.

“Not everyone.” My creepy girlfriend huffed.

“Yeah, but I’m not one of those people. You can put your hands almost anywhere you want though as long as I’m allowed to touch you back.” I said.

“Deal!” Twilight said far too loudly.

Rarity sighed. “I suppose I should be off then.”

I gave Twilight a quick kiss. “It’s fine; I was just about to dip out. Have a good one, you two.”

“You’re not going anywhere.” Twilight snapped viciously.

Rarity raised her brows and puckered her lips slightly while I made sure Twilight had my full attention I examine my cards again, but this time I was playing Armello 3 and I had to roll against the Princess on turn two. My hand was full; loaded to the brim with avenues, but I only had six dice to roll and Twilight was guaranteed six hits. I burned three shield cards and prayed to RNGesus.

“... Purps, I-” I tried.

The glare she levelled at me shut me down cold, all three of my dice turning up Rot, but I couldn’t even figure out why she’d gone off. “You’re sleeping here tonight so I can keep an eye on you. Do you object.”

“... Is there-” Sleipnir reared back on four hooves in her eyes, preparing to mow me down. “... No.”

Twilight beamed at me. “Great! We can try sleeping in my bed tonight, but if you’re not comfortable, just wake me up and I’ll cuddle with you!”

It took a second and a little bit of extra bravery, but I managed to say, “I don’t like it when you do that, Twilight. It’s scary and alienating.”

She gave me a warm smile and pulled me down for a brief kiss. “But you know I’m only trying to look out for you and love you like you deserve, right?”

I put my hands on her waist. “It feels like you’re trying to own me.”

My psychotic girlfriend frowned. “I have co-ownership with Fluttershy.”

“... I’m not your property.” I replied coldly.

She rolled her eyes. “Not literally, silly, but spiritually, yes. Come on; let’s go get started on some of these tests so they don’t keep us up all night, okay?”

I sighed inwardly, but it was for the best. “Whatever you say, Purps.”

Twilight brought me in for another, longer kiss this time and I let her have it since I actually wanted to know if something was wrong with me, but I pulled away before too long. Rarity made a curious noise and said, “I suppose you two work together better than I might have thought. Twilight rightfully wears the panties in the relationship.”

“Don’t you have a cactus to shove up your rotten snatch?” I snapped.

Rarity’s jaw dropped and Twilight said, “Ooh! Rarity, he just shut you up!”

The snooty bitch closed her mouth and blushed. “I suppose some men don’t like being reminded of their place.”

“I suppose some women don’t know when they’re about to start losing teeth.” I said, deadass serious.

“Sweetie, calm down. Rarity’s just getting under your skin because you’re a guy with an actual spine.” Twilight patted my chest and gave me a little smile.

Rachety huffed. “I just think that there are standards for men to behave by, just as there are for women.”

“My standards are different than yours. Get over it.” I monotoned.

She gave me a look. “Evidently. I’d wish that you were impotent, but why ruin Twilight’s fun?” Deflecting to open up an avenue for peace? Fuck it, I guess.

“Twilight has enough fun without me.” I said pitifully. “Twilight doesn’t need me no more.”

I received a rib-crushing hug for my jests. “Don’t be silly! I’ll always need you, Snuggie Bear!”

I hugged her back. “Love you too. Can’t breathe.”

Twilight eased up and Rarity gave me a little smile. “So what draws you to Twilight?”

I held Twilight’s head against my chest. “Well, she’s pretty brilliant, she and her house are metaphorical wells of information, but Twilight is like a portable lecture on whatever subject you need. She’s also the perfect height to cuddle, she makes fun noises, and we’re physically compatible. It’s nice.”

Rarity raised a brow. “I see you’ve neglected to mention Twilight’s generosity.”

I rubbed Twilight’s back and thought of my answer carefully. “I appreciate Twilight’s generosity, but that’s not why I want to be with her.”

The especially pale woman gave me an amused look. “Could you tell me-”

“I wish Twilight hadn’t given me the shop.” I said bluntly. “She did, so I take care of it, and it’s nice that I can make money doing something I’m evidently good at, but I could have stayed here and forged out my own future with the handyman stuff that introduced us in the first place.”

She blinked and her face went to a neutral expression. “... You’re an odd man.”

“He’s my odd man.” Twilight huffed, getting off of me.

“That he is, Darling. I do believe I’ll leave you two to your testing, however.”

And with that, Rarity was off and Twilight was left alone with her favorite to for far too long. I’d go into that now, but my hand is killing me at the moment. I’ll pick it up here in a bit.