My Brother's Keeper

by Ringtael

Chapter Six: Consequences and Conundrums

Don’t get me wrong; I like watermelon. Add a little salt to it and it’s pretty good for summer days and that type of thing, but I don’t want my head to be acting like a dropped one. When Applejack showed me her heartless side, things went from visible to dark in the span of slam, and waking up from something like that sucked ass. It’s good that I lived through it since she could have easily killed me if she’d been a little more careless, but I was mostly l feeling the pain when I woke up. My eyes hurt something fierce because of the bright lights and my head felt like people were taking turns whacking me with a hammer in the back of my skull. It was a little much for me at the moment, so I didn’t move and tried to get used to the aches in turn, but my eyes were still killing me and the throbbing in my head was making it hard to think, so I barely noticed someone coming into the room until I heard a loud step nearby.

“Ay.” I groaned softly.

The woman jumped and gasped. “Oh stars above! I didn’t realize you were awake.” She giggled away her mild fright. “Good afternoon, Mr. Jay. It’s good to see that you’re lucid.”

“Cool. The lights.”

“Oh, I can turn those off for you if they’re hurting your eyes.”

“Please.”

“With pleasure, dear. I’ll be right back.” The woman quickly took care of the nuisance and I tried opening my eyes, but the sunlight filtering in still made my eyes ache.

“Hey, hate to ask, but can you get the blinds too?” I asked feebly, my head still throbbing.

“Of course, but I’m pretty sure that being on this side of the hospital is going to mean that we won’t be able to see very well.” She still closed the shades, which weren’t actually blinds. They were curtains, I just couldn’t see.

“If it helps with the headache, I’ll deal.” I sighed.

Once she closed most of the curtains, I was able to open my eyes all the way, which was when I realized something odd. Nothing was fuzzy, though it was still a little bright in the room, even with the windows blocked off. I felt my face and my glasses were not there, which confused the fuck out of me. I didn’t get that much time to think about it. “Well, how’s that.”

“Much better, but where’s the extra light coming from? It’s like the overhead is still on, just a bit more… Colorless, I guess. Muted would be a good word.”

The admittedly attractive woman stared in my general direction. “Mr. Jay, I can barely make you out from here.”

“Really?” I asked. “Even without my glasses, I’m seeing fine. I’m guessing something got messed up in my head.”

She chuckled nervously. “Right. I’m- I’m going to go see if I can get you something for that headache, okay?”

I watched her try to meander about the room, heading toward the sliver of blinding light coming from the door before racing out of the room and slamming the door behind her, which fucking sucked for my headache. Since I’m not stupid, I knew I wasn’t a Vampire since Fluttershy walks around in daylight just fine, but I still ran my tongue over my canines to see if any of them were sharper than they should have been. They weren’t, so I tried to remember what could have landed me in the hospital since I was pretty foggy on the details. Hours passed and all I wanted to do was sleep since the nurse obviously wasn’t coming back, so I did what I wanted to, trying to get used to the hunger pains as they came.

After eventually passing out, someone woke my ass up, but my head was still killing me. I opened my eyes for a brief moment before shutting them hard and covering them. “Fucking ugh. Hit the lights.”

Some water splashed on my hand and face. Nothing happened except for me getting wet. “... Nope, not a Vampire.” Tough Cookie grunted.

“Fuck off and tell that bitch ass nurse to get her ass back here with the shit she said she’d get.” I grumbled grumpily, extra grumpified because I was fucking hungry.

“Why’d she do a damn thing for ya if you’re spittin’ shit like that?” Cookie asked.

“Because she said she would then never came back. Lights. Seriously. Can’t see.”

“Redheart said you were real photosensitive.” The Sheriff chuckled grimly.

“Seriously, it’s not like a mild annoyance. Shit hurts.”

“Deal with it. Who put you in here, Jay? Twilight or Applejack?”

“Don’t know. Last thing I remember is Twilight passing out after information overload though, so prolly AJ.”

“Just gonna throw her under the wagon without a doubt, huh.” Tough Cookie growled.

“If she put me in here, then she deserves it. She’s already proven that she’ll put her hands on me if she doesn’t catch herself, so it’s not far fetched to say that she could have lost her temper over something I said or did.”

“Ya wanna know what actually happened?” Cookie asked bluntly.

“Yeah, actually.”

“Ya said some stuff that AJ took the wrong way, and she took it clear out of town. By the time ya reeled her back in and told her whatcha meant in words she understood, little spitfire was already mad and hurt. Ya fucked up and she fucked up worse, which is why she’s sittin’ in Town Hall’s strongest holdin’ cell until ya figure out whether or not ya wanna press charges.”

“Drop ‘em. Tell her we’re square.”

Cookie snorted. “And what did ya do to her that warranted gettin’ your head busted open?”

“She took care of my brother when I needed her to.”

“... And you’re not even gonna try and get her back?”

I scoffed. “Woman with Applejack’s morals? She’s probably beating herself more than I could and I know Granny’s gonna have words for her, if not a skillet.”

“Apple Family does things a little harsher than ya might think. It’s a cruel thing ta do, not pressin’ charges on her.” Cookie said softly. “Ya might have it rough with your choice in gals, but Applejack’s stuck some kinda way. If she don’t get punished by the law, then The Family steps in.”

“... You know what? Either way she’s getting her just desserts, and I don’t really like the system anyway. Why shouldn’t I-”

“They won’t just brand her.” Cookie cut in.

“... Fuckin’ h'wat?”

“Sometimes ya get branded, sometimes ya get whipped til you’re raw. I done spoke with Granny and I’m askin’ you for a favor here: Don't let that old crone get ahold of Applejack. Let the law do its job and be the bigger man here.”

“Make it dark in here and get that nurse with the pain meds and you got a deal.” I grunted.

She shook my free hand and did as I asked. Once the room was sufficiently dark, Cookie was out of the room, shouting about getting me my shit. She came back and closed the door quietly before coming back to stand beside me once her eyes adjusted to the light. “Alright, should be done soon enough. Gotta say, the glowing eyes are weird.”

“Do what now?”

“Eyes. Glowing.”

“... Weird. Is it a bright glow?”

“Nope, more like a reflection or somethin’.”

“Cool.” There was a soft knock on the door and the woman from last time came in.

She brought me a little paper cup, some water, and an apologetic smile. “I’m so sorry, Mr. Jay, but I’m sure you understand how scary a Vampire can be.

“If I nibble on you, it’s just because I’m hungry and cannibalism is looking like my bnest option right now.” I downed the pills and handed the things back to her.

Redheart gave me an odd look. “When is the last time you ate?”

“How long have I been here?”

She paled. “Oh my gosh, I am so sorry! With the panic from earlier, I didn’t consider that you might be hungry!”

“I am, but how long have I been here though?”

“Today marks the fifth day. Is there anything in particular you want? Her Royal Highness Princess Twilight said to make sure that you had whatever you need when you wake up.”

“I could use a visit from a familiar face, other than the stoic cutie pie over there.” I lazily gestured toward the silent Tough Cookie.

“Fuck off.” She grunted.

Redheart chuckled nervously, just like when she ditched me. “Of course. I’ll write a letter to her as soon as I leave for your food.”

“I hate to rush you, but I feel like my stomach is eating itself.”

“Then let me go grab you a quick snack to tide you over, okay?” Redheart gave me a tender smile.

“Thank you.” I returned her smile with one of my own.

She patted my arm before heading out and Tough Cookie came over to stand by me again. “I’m leavin’.”

“And I was just getting used to your lustful gaze.”

“Bite me, kid.”

“Suck me, Gramma.”

“Shit, I like havin’ dick in my mouth about as much as I like Hollow Night’s Eve.” She grunted harshly.

“I dunno know what that is.”

“Every young person’s favourite holiday. Last year we filled up the drunk tank at the cop shop and overflow went into Town Hall. It’s always fuckin’ messy and every alcohol sellin’ place smells like puke after.”

“Sounds like a good night to stay indoors.” I said, distaste coating my words.

“Smart guy. Be smarter next time you try to talk to one of your women about ‘value’.”

“Tch. I only need to learn a lesson once.” I said bitterly.

Tough Cookie didn’t respond to that for a moment, but when she did respond, she said, “Applejack really does feel somethin’ shitty about hurtin’ you. Don’t expect ya ta talk to her anytime soon, but I’m sure she’s got words for ya.”

“I’m sure she does.” I replied neutrally, getting comfy in bed.

“Right. Keep your head out of your ass.”

“Squirt me out a shot of your titty liquor, will you?”

Tough Cookie snorted. “My husband’s the only one with access, punk.”

“I always did wanna marry an old broad so I could see if old pussy is still tight.” I said, spouting bullshit.

Cookie rolled her eyes, then rolled out without another word. I didn’t have to wait long for Nurse Redheart to come back with my food, though she was insistent that I eat slowly so I didn’t make myself sick, no matter how much I might have wanted to scarf it down. I knew how to handle an empty stomach, so I at the bread first, the jello second, and the rest of the somewhat bland food afterward since I just needed to have things that wouldn’t upset my stomach down first. The painkillers were doing their job well without leaving me too drowsy to stay awake under my own power, but I couldn’t really focus on the book I was reading.

My actual doctor, a woman named Tender Touch, came in a few hours after dinner and diagnosed me with a cracked skull and some magically reversible brian dablage, though she didn’t know why there was a minor MRP in my eyes now. Tender theorized that Applejack bashing my brain jolted some of my mana and it just so happened to pool in my eyes, making my vision perfect, but effectively blinding me during most hours of the day. She wrote me a prescription for a potion that would help unfuck my head, though I was going to have to leave the bandages on for awhile since they were enchanted to speed up the healing process. It meant that I lost a lot of my precious hair, but I was assured that there were hair growth spells. Still, not having my ruddy locks made me feel chilly.

I got to go home the day after the check up, so after I grabbed the free medicine and dope sunglasses, I was on my way to Twilight’s. I wasn’t exactly in a rush since I’d been released in the morning, but I was rather curious as to why Twilight didn’t come to see me in the hospital since she’d evidently been there to give orders. While I was coming up with theories ranging from her being the willing star of a lesbian gangbang to her confessing her true and undying love for Spike and eloping with him, I didn’t notice that a plump woman in her mid-twenties had started walking along side me. I did a double take when I noticed her off to my right side and gave her a quick once over. She was a little chubby, but in fairness, she carried it rather well and she looked like she gave the best fucking hugs. It might have been the behemoths on her chest that had to be E/F-Cups or the fact that she just looked squishy in general. Squishably adorable. She had a cute button nose, lips that were locked in a perpetual smile, and bright blue eyes that reminded me of an Aboriginal Australian’s irises rather than a Caucasian person’s. My tagalog gave me a sidelong glance and a kind smile.

“Figured I might join you on your walk. You don’t mind a little company, do you?” She asked politely.

“Not at all. Name’s-”

“Jameson. I know.” She said, giggling. “I also know that we’re going to Twilight’s so you can learn that she didn’t visit you because she’s embarrassed.”

I stopped and the hot pink, curly-haired woman took a step away from me. I didn’t like how much she knew, so I asked, “Mind if I ask your name?”

She gave me a warm, friendly smile. “Pinkie’s the name and Pie is my game. I’m no good at math, though.”

I chuckled at that, my fears assuaged. “So a friend of some friends? It’s nice to meet you, Pinkie. I’ve already gotten to use your promise to seal a deal or two.”

“Break those promises and I really will shove a cupcake in your eye. I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again.” She said cheerfully.

I took another glance at her eyes since that was a weird thing to say, but I didn’t see any madness or anything. I did, however, feel like Pinkie was always going to know more about me than I would about her and that sketched me the fuck out, to be honest. “As one would expect. You know, I’ve heard some whispers about you.”

“Oh? Like what?”  She asked interestedly.

“Well, I’ve heard that we have the same opinion on laughing at scary crap, so that’s a little odd.”

Pinkie raised a brow, another smile playing on her lips. “How so?”

“I’m an alien.”

“You look like one of us for the most part. The only things you’re missing are a few extra chromosomes and official citizenship.”

“Looks can be deceiving. Like you for example. You look like a sweet, huggable girl-next-door type, but I know your friends.” I spread my hands.

Pinkie pulled a petulant pout and started walking away from me, so I followed her because she was going where I needed to go anyway. When I caught up to her, she was still pouting. “It’s not fair! I don’t even get to throw you a party and you already think I’m as crazy as a fox!”

“Well, I can’t really party for a few more days and I’d say you seem sane, but all y’all seem sane.”

She lessened her pout. “I can’t really say that there’s anyone out there crazier than our little group, Twilight’s a battalion basher that’s way too in love with you, Applejack’s family is the Arcadian Mob, Rainbow’s a man-hating sadist, Fluttershy drinks blood and has an army of animals, Rarity’s actually pretty normal, but I’m apparently the crazy one because I know things I shouldn’t know and go where I wanna go.”

“Ah, so you’re like the Special Intelligence?” I jibed, trying not to let my trigger finger get too itchy.

Pinkie caught the jab. “I know what that means on Earth, butthead.”

“... Oh.” I said softly. “Well, you’re intel, are you not?”

She gave me a mild look. “Intel and retrieval. There’s nothing I can’t get my hands on, but I don’t usually put anyone down if I don’t absolutely have to.”

“So you’re kinda like a super spy?” I asked, grinning.

Pinkie’s cheeks pinked up a bit and she chuckled. “You could say that, but we’re just the bearers of the Armaments of Amity. It’s kind of our job to do super spy stuff.”

“That’s actually pretty cool. I hope nothing comes up, but if it does, then I hope I can make some useful stuff for you ladies.” I said casually.

“What’s wrong with what we’ve been using?” She asked curiously.

“I dunno, I’ve never seen what you use.”

“Well, are you talking about our usual kits?”

“As far as tactical gear and weaponry, yeah.”

Pinkie giggled like I’d told a joke or something. “I’m sorry, it’s just odd that a guy is into weapons and gadgets.”

“Guys from my planet were like chicks from this one. It might be a bit of a culture shock for you, but trust me when I saw that the flip-flopped, outdated gender roles wear on me.”

“I’m sure it gets old after a little while. Do you wanna talk about it?” She asked warmly.

I gave her a little smile. “I’ll make it. I’m pretty curious about the standard kit though.”

Pinkie chuckled. “Well the standard kit for an Agent of the Crown would be a Nullordian knife or dagger, ten feet of Magitwine, a flask of liquid Bewm-”

“Boom? Seriously?” I asked.

She gasped. “Why I never! I came up with the name! I even spelled it differently!”

“B-E-W-M?” I deadpanned.

Pinkie blushed hard and crossed her arms. “Hush.”

“But what comes after liquid Bewm?” I asked, trying to get some learning done.

She gave me some serious side-eye. “You’re just going to make fun of it.”

I held up a pinkie. “Do I need to promise to specifically not make fun of the weird names for things for the rest of the walk?”

Her vivid blue eyes judged my finger in the judgiest of ways. I felt like my hand was a group of lames in High School and that Pinkie was the bitchiest chick in the shop. “No promise necessary. I’ll trust your word until you give me a reason not to.”

I put my hand down and kept on walking. “So what else is there in the kit?”

She looked me dead in the fucking eye and said, “A Phallusite crystal for hard times.”

“If I’m not allowed to fuck around-”

Pinkie pulled a tiny dick-shaped crystal from her pocket. “When you’re one hundred percent sure that you’re not going anywhere, you chew on this and you take the peaceful route out. It’ll stay between or cheek and gum without being detected, so it’s pretty handy.”

“I swear to Max, if you tell me that it shoots a load of poison down your throat, Imma do a flippin’.”

She shrugged. “I guess I don't have to tell you because you already said it.”

“Fuck off.” I groaned. “Why couldn't it just be some poisonous berry and we could leave it at that?”

“Crystal dicks work better.” She replied amusedly. “You don’t really have to worry about accidentally biting through one unless you’re actually just stupid.”

“Fair enough. What else is there?”

“Well, there are usually vials of Dragon Fire that can be used to send missives, but that’s about it for the standard kit. It usually just depends on what kind of mission you’re going on, in all honesty.”

“I see. So, like, do you guys have long-range killing type stuff?”

Pinkie sighed. “Technology itself has come far, but the only projectile weapons Arcadian laws allow are generally made of wood. Besides, steam powered weapons are only good for war.”

“Any laws on firearms?”

She gave me an odd look. “I know what they are, but where you plan on getting one is a whole different story.”

“Mine should be with Twilight, if my guess is correct. That, and TB gave me one, so that’s cool too.”

“... Max let you have guns?” Pinkie asked, astounded. You know the Torch Bearer? Huh.

“... Yeah?”

“... Wow. Uh… Keep the knowledge of how to make more to yourself. Do us both a favor.”

“Yeah, no problem. Not like I really wanna give away my secret weapon anyway. I kinda need something to level the playing field, you know?” I said quietly.

Pinkie nodded solemnly, her hair doing something kind of odd. It seemed to be going from tight, Shirley-Curlies (Shirley Temple curls) to a Twilight-like straightness. “I get it. Trust me, a special friend of mine was paranoid too, but he found a way to overcome the people who might have kept him down.”

I raised a brow and nudged her. “Special friend? Got someone to hold at night, do ya?”

She let the topic change, though she gave me an odd look. “Don’t tell me that you’re interested.”

I chuckled. “I would be if I hadn't just learned that you get more than what you bargain for three times over.”

“Ah, at least you’re learning.” Pinkie giggled. “For the record, the only person in the group who uses a ranged weapon during most missions is Applejack, and that’s just a slightly better than average slingshot.”

“Anyone use a bow?” I asked interestedly.

“Fluttershy and I can both shoot pretty well, but I’m better at close range and she can hit a bottle from a hundred paces.”

“... I can work with that.” I said darkly.

“Scary!” Pinkie giggled, her hair curling back up.

“Yo, is your hair magic or something?” I asked.

She nodded. “Yup. Isn’t it just the coolest?”

“It’s pretty interesting. What does it look like when it’s completely straight?” I asked, hoping she’d show me.

Pinkie made a face. “Hope you don’t see it like that. It usually means things are about to get painted in primary colors, specifically yellow and red.”

“... Why yellow?” I asked.

“You’d be surprised with how many people who kill others for a living fear for their own lives like nothing else. I’ve seen more grown men and women wet themselves than children.” She sighed.

“Hard to believe, but not impossible. I’d be more surprised if you said brown was on that list.”

“I’d laugh, but that would be cruel. Brown is on the list.”

“Ah.”

“Right. So who’s your favorite so far?”

“Beg pardon?”

“Who’s your favorite girlfriend?” Pinkie reiterated.

“... Not answering that one.” I said, choosing the wisest path.

“Smart answer.” Pinkie chuckled softly. “So who scares you the most? I’m assuming that it’s Applejack right now.”

“... Yeah, it kinda has to be. If she wants blood after this, then she might kill me and Ty. Twilight promised to never hurt me, and she doesn’t really have a reason to kill Ty as long as I play nice, so there’s always that.”

The blue-eyed woman gave me another strange look. “You know Applejack probably won’t stop apologizing until you make her, right? She feels terrible about hurting you.”

“Ya know? I don’t even really hold a grudge like that. If she’s sincere about losing her cool then it’s cool, but Ty’s comin’ in behind me and I can’t tell him not to swing at her. I’d do it for him, even if he swept it under the rug. It’s just how we roll.”

“That’s sostupid.” Pinkie said drily, her voice sounding like pink is supposed to for some weird reason. Magic pens are fun, in any case.

“You know what else is stupid? Walking everywhere. Shit sucks.”

“Not everyone likes riding horses.”

“Not everyone can, but I’m talking about cars and shit. Automobiles. Carriages that move by themselves.” I explained.

“I know what they are, but those are pretty much the laziest things I’ve ever seen.” She replied, giggling.

“Ay, I just don’t like taking forever to get somewhere. The journey’s important and all, but the destination needs to be top priority.”

“Oh? So you wouldn’t want to take a quick little detour for a free smoothie?” Pinkie teased.

“Depends on the smoothie, but pretty much.”

“There’s a vanilla-blackberry that’s been selling well at Sugarcube Corner~” She sang.

I gave her a funky look. “Are you in the mood for a smoothie or something?”

“Yep!”

“... Sure, let’s go.” I said, caving easy since it didn’t seem like a source of hidden bullshit to me.

The detour turned into a pretty long conversation over a couple of smoothies, actually, and I didn’t get drugged, so that was pretty fuckin' dope. Pinkie’s ability to carry a conversation suited her well, and she knew when to let off the pressure when she started digging into my personal life. She answered all of my questions to whatever depth I felt like going to, and I was pretty sure that she was answering honestly, which was weird because I didn’t hesitate to fuck with her a little to see how it would go.

While we were talking, I randomly reached over and squeezed Pinkie’s bicep, which earned me a funny look. I gave her a dopey smile and asked, “Are you soft everywhere, or is it only the good bits?”

Pinkie flexed and I felt some muscle under the layer of extra cushioning. “Are you calling me fat, buster!?”

I tilted my head at her. “I was trying to lead up to asking for a hug,” I said, bailing on my idea, “but if you think I’m calling you fat, then we can talk about that.”

Pinkie waited for me to say something else. “... So you’re not calling me fat?”

“No, I’m not.”

“Good. Women might not be as sensitive about their weight as men, but we still care.” Pinkie sniffed.

I raised a brow. “Do you think I’m fat?”

She smirked at me. “If the belt doesn’t fit…”

“You bitch.” I said, chuckling.

She poked my side and I started. “Ah-ha! Mr. Ticklish, are we?”

“Ay, I’ll get you back. I don’t give two of whatever matters least; I’ll take you down, woman.”

Pinkie giggled. “A C-Class Medeis going against a Triple A-Class Mundusian is actually comical.”

I decided to try something and tried finding my center while appearing not to do it. “You know what? My people had a lot of obstacles to overcome, and we did it through technology. Now that I also have magic on my side, the world is fucked.”

“Watch your language in my shop.” A passing Mrs. Cake chastised.

“Yes Ma’am.” I called after her, getting a casual wave for my effort. I turned back to Pinkie and continued. “Seriously, though. I have a feeling that I can go pretty far here based on the tools I have.”

She smiled at me, but it didn’t feel ominous, and it seemed to be free of any lurking demons. “That’s good to hear, Jay. I hope you’re happy, even if it has been rough starting out.”

I gave her a little grin in turn. “I’ll be happier when I get my brother back. Who knows? Maybe we’ll find him a good girl that can make him keep it in his pants.”

Pinkie gave me a doubtful look. “I know your brother every bit as well as you do, Jay, and that’s not a good thing. Ty will probably get you kicked out of town, if not Arcadia all together.”

“Jay and Ty versus the world.” I said stonily.

Pinkie placed a hand on my shoulder and kept a little smile on her face, even after I poked her with magic in my fingers. “I’ll help you, Jay. You’re the kind of crazy that I don’t mind dealing with, so I’ll look out for Ty when I can so you stay the good kind of loopy.”

I gave her a look. “Thanks, Sweets. ‘Preciate it.”

“No problem, Sugar Pole.” She giggled.

“Pinkie!” Mrs. Cake admonished from nearby. It’s not like she ever got that far in the first place. “Don’t go around calling young gentlemen things like that in my shop!”

“Sorry, Boss.” Pinkie sighed.

Mrs. Cake actually huffed and gave Pinkie a stiff look. “Keep it up, young lady. I’ll have you whipping up all the icing for the next week!”

“Aw, come on! You know I like making icing!”

“Exactly.” Mrs. Cake deadpanned.

I didn’t quite get it, but Pinkie grumbled to herself and I let it go anyway. On the flip side, we finished our smoothies and I was on my way to Twilight’s solo instead of having a friendly partner tagging along. I was actually pretty fond of Pinkie since she reminded me a lot of one of my exes, just less gossipy. Hell, the gossiping was a part of why I broke up with her, but then again she also slept with my brother. Lotta bitches did that, to be honest.

In any case, I got to Twilight’s with time in the day to spare since I hadn’t really spent that long with Pinkie in the first place, and I’d been released early enough to get a good bit of shit done. When I knocked on the door, Twilight herself answered with a deer-in-the-headlights look that made me feel a little strange. I figured I could try pushing my luck and folded my arms, fixing her with a glare that made the poor little nerd wince. I reminded myself that the little nerd was basically Monika: not just crazy, J U S T  M O N I K A, y'know?

“Well well well, who do we have here?” I said patronizingly.

“J-Jay I-I-I-” Twilight stammered, panicking hard.

“I missed you yesterday, you know that?” I interrupted. “Woke up, sent a letter for you, and you just ain’t gonna show up? Couldn’t pull rank and slip in after visiting hours since you were apparently too busy to stop by and see if I was out of my mind?”

The blank look returned to her face. “... What?”

“Is that really all you have to say for yourself? My egg might be scrambled and you’re just like, ‘What?’?”

Twilight tilted her head. “Does not compute. You should be upset at me for not protecting you from Applejack.”

“You were unconscious when she got ahold of me. Not mad at you for that, I’m mad at you for the thing you could actually control, you nut butt.” I grumbled irritably.

“... So you’re not mad that I didn’t protect you?” She asked.

“No, I’m not.” I answered tersely.

“... But you are mad that I didn’t come to see you in the hospital?”

“Rather salty, actually.” I said matter-of-factly.

“I don’t get it.” Twilight replied, her voice indicative of possible mental handicaps.

I glared at her a little harder and she winced again. “You’re in the doghouse, woman.”

“... Can I convince you to not be mad?” She tried sheepishly.

“Easily. Make your legs smoother and give me an hour of snuggling.” I answered, my tone brokering no bargaining.

“I thought guys like girls that didn’t do hair removal spells?” Twilight asked.

“Back on Earth, guys generally appreciated shaved legs. I don’t mind if you go all natural, but I do appreciate the extra effort.” I paused for a moment. “And it’ll be the quickest way to make me forgive you.”

Twilight blinked and snapped her fingers. “Done. What does two hours of snuggling buy me?”

“A trip to wherever Ty is.” I tried valiantly.

“... How’s that for me at all?” Twilight asked, her voice dipping into the bad zone again.

“It’s not, but it’s something I really want. It’s already been a week.”

She levelled an unreadable look at me. I’d liken it to staring at a path filled with glass, tacks, gangrene, and lemon juice-sprinkled syringes, to be honest. “What are you willing to do if I make that happen?”

I had some high cards in my hand, and if I played them right, I could use them again. I held onto my Joker and the Ace, gazing between the King, Queen, and Jack. I slid the Queen across the table and offered Twilight my hands, meeting her dick-shriveling stare with as much bullshit around my spine as I could muster. As stupid as it sounds, it helped me initiate contact with Twilight and get negotiations started.

“I want you to get something you want out of this. Give me a few things and we’ll see-” I said.

“I want a lock of your hair.” Twilight demanded, her voice carrying weight her small frame had no business with.

“... Not saying no here, just asking why.” I said soothingly.

Twilight’s pupils formed hearts and turned pink, which was a fuckin’ trip. “I’m going to have to share you, but if I make a doll, I can have it all to myself!”

“The only thing I’ll ever ask regarding what you do with my hair is that you don’t use it to control me magically. Like, I don't want you to be feeling your doll up in all the wrong places while I’m trying to walk down the street.” I said lightly, smiling and chuckling for a fair bit of it.

There was a minute pout on her lips, but her eyes were still good to go. “Aww… Well, I guess it’s a little early to be entrusting our entire bodies to each other, isn’t it?”

I wanted to tell her that she was psych-o-like-no-bitchass-n*gga-so when you see the D-O-double-G sneak creep low, but I have sense. “A little… Apparently I trust you enough to sleep next to you, so we were making progress.” Her eyes held fields of rape, but I couldn’t tell if it was the crop or the crime in the moment, so I played the Jack to sweeten the pot. “Once we’re over this little bump, I’m sure we’ll grow closer for it.” I ended with a kiss to her cheek, despite her rigid posture.

When I pulled back, Twilight was looking at me coolly, but I was still in the line of fire. She cleared my cards from the table with a cold reset that sounded like, “I’ll do what I want with the doll, but I won’t make a bound doll from it. If I do something you don’t like with the doll; your feelings on the matter are negligible.”

I gave her a hurt look. “I don’t object to you doing what you want with your possessions, but you’re being a little harsh here, Purps.”

She didn’t give a fuck. “I want a set of pictures of you. I’m sure you know what boudoir photos are.”

“No clue.”

“You’ll find out then.” Twilight answered coldly.

I wanted to slap her so, so bad that it made my hand ache to not put it across her face, but I needed to use her to get to Ty. I was about to force out my acceptance of her terms when I heard, ‘I’ll fucking slap you if you say yes to that.’

“No.” I replied softly.

“It’s either ‘yes’ or you see Ty when he’s allowed to come back to Magiville.” She responded icily.

Max interfered for a reason, and he told me to keep my wits about me for the same reason. I shoved my hands in my pockets and stared Twilight down with the bravest face I had, lifting my chin as a challenge. “I’m worried about Ty, but my dignity is worth something. Don’t talk to me like that, Twilight. I don’t care if you don’t help me get to my brother: don’t disrespect me for no reason.”

As it turns out, TB’s seemingly suicidal implied directions worked out for the best. Twilight’s eyes lost the shadows of the carnivorous warhorse and gained a font of fear. “I-I just got carried away is all!” She chuckled nervously and started wringing her hands. “Sometimes I just like to pretend to be mean, you know? Keeps people on their toes!” She chuckled some more.

I levelled a look at her and worked the pissed-off bitch angle to the best of my ability, tossing the King down. “I think I’ll see you tomorrow.” I said flatly.

Twilight’s face fell and her posture slumped visibly over the course of a few seconds. “... You’re leaving already? B-But what about-”

I silenced her with a kiss, slamming the Joker on the table and grabbing my cards and one of Twilight’s in the process. “I’m upset with you. I’m angry, I still feel hurt, and now I feel like you think you own me. I’m gonna go home, sleep on it, and we’ll talk tomorrow over some tea or somethin’. We’re not over, Twilight, but when you ‘pretend’ to be mean, it’s just… It’s upsetting, and that’s all I’m going to say because sayin’ more is gonna end in swearing. Not the point of me saying all this.”

Twilight held my arms tightly, distress painted on her face. “... You’re not going to leave me, right? We- We haven’t even been together that long!”

“I’m not leaving you,” I soothed, trying to be wise, “but I am going home. I love you Twilight. I’ll see you in the afternoon.” I freed myself from her grasp and went on a little walk. It really wasn’t far from Twilight’s house to my shop, so I made it there pretty fast and headed into the apartment above the workplace.

I hadn’t actually made it upstairs during the last time I’d visited, but upon seeing the place, I was mildly impressed. The rooms were Jack and Jill style, so I wouldn’t have to worry about Ty bitching at me for taking the bigger room, and the funky fucker would have his own bathroom, so that was dope and all. The bed in my room was a queen and the nightstands on either side were nice, but I didn’t give two shits about the furniture. My bag was on my bed and inside was my gun and dope, so I figured the first thing I would do would be get high and make a real holster for my gun.

I had a fucktonne of leather in a big, thick roll, so I went looking for some leather shears in my multitude of tools and bullshit. After I actually found them, I got started on the task at hand and idly considered how acting like the woman in the relationship had made Twilight fall in line when she was getting out there. I wondered if I needed to test the theory that kept plaguing my mind, and I couldn’t help but ponder the odd event as I cut out the general shape my mind spat out for the raw shape of my little project.

Come to think of it, I don’t think most people are going to get what I mean when I say my mind spits out designs. Apparently most people don’t see things the way I do, but I honestly don’t get it. Breaking shit down and building it again, making adjustments, mapping out designs; it’s all always come naturally to me. However, whatever the fuck kinda talent I got doesn’t matter for shit if I don’t have the right shit to do shit with. I mean, like, shit. Not having a needle for leather was a big setback, but I did have the leather thread, so that was nice. I figured I could just use one of my thicker augers to pierce holes wide enough to hand-thread the string through, but then I realized that I had a magic tool that seemed like a lovely little multitasker. I mean, why have expensive tools if you don’t use them, am I right?

I grabbed the portable ATD and tried doing the most obvious thing I could, which was focusing on my heart, trying to pull the magic out, and send it into my hand so I could punch holes with the thingy, but in style. It worked pretty damned well and I ended up making another holster, but this time it was an underarm style one. With plenty of leather to spare and the will to do some trial and error, it only took me three attempts to make something comfortable, and most of my scrap could be made into thread, so wins abound and shit.

With my weapon carriers out of the way, I decided to find Max’s gift since it seemed pertinent to not be a fucktard and actually check it out. I’d left it upstairs on my bed since I didn’t need it for anything at the time, but when I got it, I noticed that I only had five rounds. Two of them immediately got saved, and I took two bullets out of my glock so I could figure out how to make more at a later date, but for the time being, I did some inspections on TB’s odd clockwork revolver and if I had to hazard a guess, then I would say that the bullet that went along with the gun were made to blow fack fuckering faces off, along with entire heads. If it wasn’t a fifty calibre, then it was probably even fucking larger and I really didn’t know what the holy fuck he expected me to do with a weapon like that. I’ve shot a Deagle before and I couldn’t hit shit. I can barely go positive on my hit/miss ratio with Ty’s .357, and the main reason I can shoot my glock with no problems is because I've ran hundreds of rounds through it and tried a few different springs. There was no way I was going to be able to shoot the gun (Realistically, at least) without enchanting it or some shit, but the task I really needed to hop to was getting my ammo situation sorted.

Then my stomach growled and I realized that I’d just told my meal ticket to go fuck herself in nice words. I still had the Twily coin on me, so I figured I’d head into the market and see if someone had some snackables anywhere. Murphy’s law was being a little bitch, and I learned that the market only stays open until noon, which I’d passed with Pinkie. That meant that I was going to have to get food from a restaurant or something since the General Store didn’t really sell perishable food. I could’ve gotten some shitty cookies or something, but fuck that.

I asked around and got hit on until I let the ladies know that I was claimed, but in the end I still found the best diner in town. Most of the people I talked to said it was the best because it was fattening and cheap, so I had my hopes nice and high for a taste of some Maxdamn cholesterol so I could stay true to the Tennessean within. I had to cross town to get to the somewhat dumpy looking establishment, but it was a classic diner in many senses. I think the only thing it lacked was the neon sign, but everything else was on point, and upon walking into the joint, I could tell that I was about to have a good time. I sat down at the counter and a brunette woman who seemed to be in her mid or upper twenties came by while I was giving the menu a look. I didn’t have a chance to say anything to her before she poured an opaque beige liquid into a mug and set it on a saucer in front of me. I took a moment to get a good look at her and was interested from the start. She had beautiful dark blue eyes and a perma-smile forever slightly curving her lips, making her look like she was enjoying her life as it was. Her wavy locks were tied at the end, but the bangs she tried to keep out of hers eyes as she poured wouldn’t stay where she blew them. It was an oddly attractive little quirk that I’d seen Fluttershy do once or twice, and I couldn’t help but like it in this woman as well.

“What’s with the mystery beverage?” I asked civilly.

She gave me a little smile. “Your aura says you need something for a clear mind and inspiration. My little brew should do you a favor or two.”

I grabbed the drink and gave it a shot, not letting my eyes leave the somewhat slim woman. I couldn't see that well over the counter, but she was definitely easy on the eyes and her voice was pleasant to hear. Whatever the was, it wasn’t bad, though I wondered how she knew that I’d appreciate the bitterness of dark coffee and cacao when the notes came through. “Alright, so you’re obviously a magic lady. Might have to come here more often if I can expect made-to-order potions without even having to say a word.”

The waitress gave me a warm smile. “I only do it for special people, so don’t go spreading it around, okay?”

I returned her smile with an easy-going one of my own. “Yeah, I gotcha. Say, mind if I ask your name? I’m Jameson, but the people I like call me Jay.”

“I’m Coffee Cup.” She answered, her words not ringing true. Her tone changed and she averted her gaze when she said it, her smile becoming a little more strained, so it wasn’t a surprise when she said, “So do you know what you want to order? I’m only good at guessing drinks; meals aren’t really my thing most of the time”

I gave her a look, but then I realized that all of the looks that I’d been giving people ever since I left the hospital were being missed because of the damn sunglasses. “Alright, I just realized that you can’t see the look I’m givin’ you, but I’m givin’ you a look. I’ll have a burger and some fries, Coffee Cup.”

She chuckled nervously. “Right. I’ll go have them start that for you.”

“Thanks, Sweets.” I said casually, giving some thought as to why ‘Coffee Cup’ wanted to keep her name a secret. It wasn’t a problem so much as an annoyance, but I figured that she didn’t want me stalking her or something.

I waited around until my food came, and let me fucking tell you, boi. Shit. Was. Dope. As good as Granny’s cooking was, nothing beats grease, salt, fat, and bacon. While I was attacking my burger with all the manners I could manage, I couldn’t help but notice that ‘Coffee Cup’ kept shooting me glances when she thought I wasn’t looking, but what the silly girl didn’t know was that I was bored as fuck and my peripheral vision is beyond Human levels of fleek, though that word died like, thirty years ago. I didn’t have to turn my head to keep an eye on her most of the time, and when I did, it’s not like I looked directly at her. While I was lowkey creepin’, I was digging the fuck out of the generous portion of fries on my plate, and when I barreled through them, I was super okay with whatever price I was going to have to pay for my food.

When ‘Coffee Cup’ returned with a receipt, I was confused, which was mostly because she waited until I reached for it to rip it to pieces. “Men with good auras don’t pay in my diner.”

I gave her a puzzled smile. “I don’t see how my aura is better than anyone else’s.”

“That’s because you can’t see it.” She chuckled, giving me an apologetic smile. “Your aura tells me a lot of things about you, and I think that the verdict this time is good.” ‘Coffee Cup’ leaned over the counter and gestured for me to give her my ear, so I complied. “I’ll always have a spot ready for you, so come back soon, okay?”

I returned to my seat and gave her an odd look. “Why give me a fake name if you want me to come back?”

She just smiled and waved goodbye as she went back to work, leaving me with a full stomach and a full mind. I downed the rest of the tasty beverage she’d made for me and went back home without being interrupted again, and since I had time on my hands, I thought about whether or not Coffee Cup was trying to honeypot me or something. She seemed genuine, and I couldn’t pick up any hints of romantic interest coming from her, so I hoped that she was just trying to be a generous friend.

With thoughts of the attractive woman in my mind, I got back into my shop and started reading some of the books that Twilight had left for me, starting from the basics of magic. I wasn’t terribly sure, but I was pretty sure that I’d told her that I wouldn’t fuck off and do magic without her around to supervise, so I fucked off and read up on engraving runes and enchanting shit because that was supposed to be considerably safer for me. The first book I grabbed, Applied Artificery, was interesting to say the least. It was mostly a guide on how to get your mana to flow into your hands, which was apparently hard for most Medeis because of their MRP. Apparently my particular heart MRP was perfect for Artificery since I can focus on my heartbeat with ease, and an ATD will only hold so much mana in one go, so I can’t accidentally drain myself by pumping too much into an engraving. I also learned that the depth of the engraving matters, and that I can actually make an ATD that will let me free-flow my mana through it so that I can maximize the power of a rune. Sadly, I didn’t have any books on Alchemy, so I wrote a note to myself and tried to memorize it so I’d remember to ask Twilight about Alchemy at an appropriate time.

Instead of fucking around and doing nothing, I decided to get started on my craft and whipped out my haunted-ass Flitch so I could try Artificerizing it. I had the portable ATD in my hand when I realized that I couldn’t afford to fuck up my favorite knife, so I looked around the shop and found a hammer with a wooden handle. After digging through a runic encyclopedia, I found one that would let me change the color of the wood depending on the final mark I made, so I got to work with the steadiest hands I could manage, throwing all of my focus into the one simple task. I shunted out thoughts of my brother, worries about Twilight, concerns with Applejack, uncertainty with Fluttershy, and thoughts of the oddly sane Pinkie. I say oddly sane because her friends called her crazy, but I digress and shit. I fucked that rune up eight times before I got it right, and even then I fucked up the color of the hammer. I ended up sanding it down so the thing would still be usable, but instead of practicing more with tools around the shop, I started looking through my scrap collection to take subjects and samples to experiment with. I turned a dirty looking crystal floppy and squishy, made a ball bearing heavier through the power of fucking magic or some shit, and turned that Maxdamn hammer blue. All in all, I made some progress in the way of Artificying and I already had a few ideas about weaponry and shit.

It was pretty late by the time I’d gotten through with all of my shit, but the meal I’d had at the diner whose name I’d forgotten at the time was sticking to my ribs well enough that I didn’t really feel the need to go find something else to snack on. I also wasn’t really all that tired, and since it was late, it wasn’t as bright as it had been earlier, which is fuckin’ obvious. Still, shit’s important because it meant that I could put my sunglasses on my head and let my eyes rest for a little while in what I would’ve assumed to be near total darkness. There was a streetlamp nearby outside, but that didn’t matter for shit in the back of my shop. In fact, my eyes actually felt better than they had all day and that was about it for my revelations until I wondered if I should go to sleep. I wasn’t exactly tired and I wanted to get some more studying done, so I did what I just said I’d do. Don’t think it really bears repeating.

Instead of beating my meat into a peanut butter and crack sandwich (I took full inventory of the shit I stole from Big Mac. Dude had rocks, glass and deskit), I found something interesting that Twilight might not have wanted me to know about quite yet in one of the advanced textbooks. It wasn’t anything special, actually. In fact, it wasn’t even glaringly obvious, but it was a subsection on something I’d been a little interested in ever since I heard that I could do fuckin’ magic. Blood Magic was interesting, and in The Artificer's Curse: The Princess’ Armorer it was made evident that Blood Magic and Artificery intertwined on more occasions than one might think. For example, a small bowl of blood in a bowl of whatever material you wanted to make something out of would give you boolet if you had the right rune for it. I actually had a few lead crucibles that weren’t being used for anything and I had no problem with giving a little for the cause.

As it turned out getting the initial rune down was harder than I fucking thought, and that took ten attempts over the course of about three hours to get right. Just to add to the little shit that made life suck, I had to perfectly picture a diagram of a bullet to get more than one big, misshapen piece of shit. I couldn’t even melt down my failures since I could see a primer on them, but my successes were exactly what I needed. I only had two lead crucibles left by the time I was done and I was a little woozy, but there was a well stocked first aid kit in my downstairs bathroom, and years of patching up Ty’s friends due to being the only boy who knew how to sew in the hood lead me to being decent at laying sutures. Youtube was my best friend when it came to actually laying sutures instead of just making sure something would heal well enough to not get infected. After I made sure that I wasn’t going to bleed out or catch an infection, I closed up the downstairs shop and went to sleep, but now doesn’t really seem like a good time to end the chapter… Hold on.

Alright, that looks pretty cool. I had to search through my stamp collection to find them, but it’s not like I didn’t know which three I like more than most. Anyway, the next day started bright and early at the tasty hour of nine, though I’d only gone to bed at like, four. Five hours of rest got me to where I needed to be for my day to start out good enough, and inspecting my kitchenette upstairs helped it along a little further once I saw that I actually had some non-perishable food stored in some of my cabinets. I ate a few dry cookies and made some tea before heading downstairs to get started on taking inventory of all the things I actually had, but when I went downstairs, I noticed that one of the few pieces of empty space I had in my shop had been filled with an odd machine that seemed all too familiar.

Someone done gave me a barrel rifler. It apparently had multiple gauges, and I could feel my erection press against my zipper in the worst of ways, but it didn’t stop my hype from building. I had some plans for the thing, but first I had to go buy a bottle of bourbon to go thank Maximus for his gift since there was no one else who could have possible known what the thing was for since there apparently weren’t guns on Arcadia.

Then I had an idea.

During my studies during the evening and through a good portion of the night, I learned how to make an acceleration pad-type engraving, but I’d thought nothing of it until my Brain Blast, to quote a whippy-dipped dude. I immediately grabbed my Glock, disassembled it casually since I wasn’t trying to rush, and got ahold of the barrel. The handheld ATD was narrow enough at its tip to get inside and do a little work, but I had to do my best surgeon impersonation to get it right, and even when I did, the barrel of my gun only warmed slightly since the enchantment was weak. However, I’d been anticipating some trouble, so I made the Rune linkable, which was like, one of the top five tips in The Artificer's Handbook. If you made your rune attachable to another, then you could actually get shit done with small runes in hard to reach places. I attached the rune from the inside of the barrel to a new rune on the empty space of the grip that I don’t touch since I’m right handed, and I added another rune to the slide and tried to link it like that, and much to my surprise, I actually managed to link that one to the first one. I didn’t know how much faster my bullets would fly and I didn’t have a way to see how much magic I put behind my runes, so I stopped putting off my talk with Twilight and got actually got ready for my day.

The trip over to Twilight’s took no time, and when I knocked on her door, Spike answered with a worried look on his face. “Dude.”

“Suh dood.” I replied. “Is Twilight home?”

“Dude! She’s been wigging out ever since you left yesterday! Are you leaving her or something?” Spike asked desperately, trying to find an answer.

I raised a brow at him. “I’ll talk her down, bruh, so don’t sweat it. Might wanna take a long walk and visit a friend or two though.”

He gave me a puzzled look for way too long for me to consider him smart. “Oh! Oh. Oh… I-I’m gonna do that now, I guess.” Spike sputtered.

I clapped him on the shoulder and gave him the smile I usually give Ty when I’m making him do something for his own good. “I don’t have spare cash to give ya, but you’re welcome to poke around in my shop and see if you can make anything interesting. Just try not to break everything.”

“I’m more of a literary kinda guy. I think I’ll probably just see if the bookstore has any new novels.” He scratched his head and I stood aside so he could leave, and with that, I entered in his stead to face the mighty beast that is the mostly adorable little geek.

It was pretty bright inside the library, all things said, so I flipped lights off as I went along because it was bright enough outside and it’s pointless to waste energy like that unless you actually need to. I didn’t see a need, thus I acted as I saw fit as I meandered through Twilight’s house until I went up to her room. After knocking on the door a few times and not getting an answer, I let myself in and came face-to-face with a wild-eyed, purple-haired human that looked like she wanted to sell her soul to Max for something or other.

“Hi there. Got time to talk?” I asked casually.

“Jay I’m so sorry!” Twilight clutched my shirt and brought herself closer. The smell of wine was heavy on her breath, but she wasn’t drunk. “Please! I didn’t mean to upset you or disrespect you, I-I-I-”

I flashed Twilight my Ace and put a finger on her lips to silence her. “Do you regret it?”

I removed my finger. “Yes!” She cried piteously.

I put my hands on her arms and brought her in for a hug. “Please try not to talk to me like that in the future. I can understand that you were too embarrassed to face me when I was in the hospital, but disrespecting me for trying to see my brother doesn’t make any sense to me, and it’s hurtful.”

Twilight gripped me tightly. “I’ll take you to see him in a couple days, I promise! I-I’ll do anything, Jay-”

“Bae, Purps; the only thing you have to do to earn my forgiveness is be genuine about trying to fix the mistakes so they don’t pop up too often. Relax, take a deep breath, and chill out a little, aight?”

She leaned against my chest and I held her there for a few minutes before she said, “I expected you to leave me anyway.”

“... There are still a few things I’m trying to move past with our relationship, like the whole Princess thing, but I think we’ll get there. If nothing else, we’ll make it work for as long as we want it to.” I said softly.

Her voice took on a sinister tilt with, “How long do you want it to work?”

I checked my hand and saw the King sitting high and mighty, so I punched a hole in it and tied a string through the card. “Until I pump you so full of cum and confusion that you cry question mark-shaped tears of semen.”

She pushed me away and I gave her a goofy smile. “Of all the times to be serious you choose that one to be an idiot!?” She snapped.

I maintained my course. “I don’t know how long we’ll be together, Twilight. It could be until you break up with me after I finish this sentence, or it could be until I pass away and your Sanguis blood keeps you going. We just don’t know.”

“I asked you what you wanted, not what you thought.” Twilight said, her eyes holding the demon horse again.

I swallowed my fear and said, “I hope we last until I’m grey and gone, but I don’t think hopes ever count for much.”

“So you’re a nihilist.” She said flatly.

“I’m a realist, and I realistically understand that the future isn’t promised, as much as we might wish that it was.” I said softly.

Twilight cooled off and hugged herself. “... Would it be too much to ask for another kiss?”

“Are you going to take it the wrong way and assume that I’m leaving you?” I joked gently.

She gave me a pouty little look. “Are you gonna make me apologize for that too?”

“It’d amuse me to no end, but no.” I closed the distance between us and gave Twilight another kiss, allowing her to wrap her arms around my neck as I held onto her.

We ended up snuggling for awhile, but I got Twilight to actually bathe since she had neglected to do so earlier and got her to come to Fluttershy’s with me. She was actually happy to go see her friend for a few hours, and when we arrived at Fluttershy’s place, it was even nicer to see that Flutters was wearing a loose, free flowing blouse and some tight jeans that made her ass look great. I mean, Twilight’s ass was nicer, but Fluttershy’s ass was higher off of the ground, and I like tall girls for some odd reason. I just do. Though I have to admit that the fun-size ones are pretty great too. Look, I’m not terribly particular, okay?

When we were settled down in Fluttershy’s living room with some the living room, Twilight opened the conversation by saying, “I don’t think Applejack needs a second chance. She could have seriously hurt Jay.”

Before I could say anything, Fluttershy was already nodding along, saying, “I agree. Applejack needs to learn how to treat a man before she gets one. I think she should try dating someone from Dirksdale to see just how nice Jay is for being a guy.”

“Are guys dicks or something around here?” I asked, making a face.

“They are when they're from Dirksdale.” The ladies chorused.

Twilight continued with an explanation. “Guys from Dirksdale usually go out and hunt for wives so they can bring them back and make them work in whatever business they might be running. There’s no minimum wage on what you pay your spouse, but you do have to pay them at least once a week, so most of those Dirksdale cretins will only pay in single bits so their wives can’t afford a divorce. It works both ways since slags,” She spat the word bitterly, so I assumed it was a heavy slur, “from Aeriopolis like to do it in an even worse way. They’ll save up and buy a business out of the clouds and set up shop there, but when they start marrying, they’ll return to Aeriopolis and leave their husbands pining for their love. It’s a shame that should be illegal, but if the spouse being taken advantage of doesn’t testify, then nothing happens.”

“... I am so lucky.” I muttered.

“You really are.” Twilight said. “Even if things don’t always go well for you, you’re still dodging arrows left and right.”

“It’s harder to dodge a bullet, and I’ve been missing those pretty well too.” I chuckled. I raised my cup of tea and said, “To good luck and good fortune; may Maximus push a little bit of both our way.”

“Maximus?” Fluttershy asked, raising her own cup of tea.

“The Creator.” Twilight clarified as she mimicked us. “Jay knows him personally.”

“Everyone on Earth has talked to him at least once. I mean, it’s not like he and I are butt buddies or anything, and I doubt we’re friends.” I scratched my cheek before sipping my shit.

“He gave you that odd thing, didn’t he?” Twilight asked.

My eyes lit up and I whisked the note I’d written to myself from my pocket. “Alchemy! I want to learn how to do equivalent exchange so I can reproduce things without havin’ to go through the process of makin’ ‘em all over again!”

Fluttershy tittered and Twilight gave me an odd look. “... Your Mana Mark is in Artificery. Why do you want to dabble in Alchemy?”

I blinked at her. “I just said why.”

“... Isn’t half the fun of making something new figuring out how to do it again?” Twilight asked curiously.

I tilted my head at her. “Do you not make schematics as you go along?”

“Well, yes, but-”

“If you detail your notes well enough for the draft that actually works, then you should know how to make it work again. And, if you create something complicated, then the hours that go into creating something like that again would be counterproductive. It’ll be a trade secret to be sure, but it’ll be a useful skill to have.” I elaborated.

Fluttershy chimed in. “I think Jay just wants to use Alchemy like you do. I doubt he’s ever going to dive into potion making or the Dark Arts.”

Twilight frowned at Flutters. “There’s a reason you have to have a license to practice Alchemy, Fluttershy.” She looked at me. “I’ll draw you up a limited Alchemical circle, but you need to promise me that you’ll never use it to counterfeit or let anyone else use it for that purpose.”

“Make it so that only I can use it and it won’t be a problem.” I replied. “I’ve got a few ideas for cool trinkets, and I think they’ll sell well if I can make a couple of them so that I can sell them in pairs.”

Twilight gave me an odd look. “Okay… Just… Don't do anything obviously dumb, okay? And give me some time to get you a few books on Alchemy before you start trying to do anything with it, alright? And-”

“Twilight, I won’t do anything until you think I can handle it. I tried making some runes since you said it was safe, but I still haven’t tried to actually cast a spell or anything yet.”

I piqued the interest of both of my ladies. “Oh? Did you get your first rune to work, or are you still trying to get a handle on engraving?” Twilight asked interestedly.

I tilted my head at her. “I’ve already gotten a few things to work. Figured out a couple of weight based runes, a color rune or two, got a harden and soften rune respectively, and figured out how to link my stuff. If distance wasn’t a problem, I’d just start engraving runes into sheet metal.” I chuckled.

Twilight’s jaw dropped as Fluttershy cheered quietly. “Yay! You’re making so much progress so fast!”

I turned my attention to Fluttershy since she was the one talking. “Thanks, Fluttercup, but it’s been smooth sailing so far. I figured it would take me a lot longer to get the hang of it, but for some weird reason, I only need about fifteen to half an to practice a rune before I get it right if it's completely new.”

Purps choked, making us look at her and ask if she was okay simultaneously. Twilight assured us that she was fine after clearing her throat and said, “Jameson, can you show me something you’ve enchanted?”

I pulled the little ball bearing out of my pocket and tossed it to her, though Twilight caught with her magic instead of her hands. “I made that heavier, though I don’t get how removing material allows the thing to gain mass.”

Twilight marvelled at it. “The rune is almost perfect.” She breathed. “This is what a natural Artificer’s early work looks like…”

“Yeah, my hand twitched a little on the indicator accent, but it still got hot and heavy when I finished the rune.” I replied interestedly.

Twilight gave me an odd look. “Let me see your forearm.”

I flashed it to her, the skin still bare. “I don’t see anything.”

“Neither do I…” Twilight bit her thumb.

I looked to Fluttershy. “What do you think? Maybe I just need to keep at it to get my Mana Mark to show up.”

Fluttershy gave me a supportive smile from behind her hair. “I-If you keep at it, I’m sure you’ll do it in no time!”

I returned her smile. “Thanks, Sweets.”

“No problem.” Fluttershy smiled some more.

Twilight cleared her throat. “As much as I’d like to stay, I think I’ll get started on finding some appropriate materials for you to study, Jay. Have fun, you two.” She said wistfully.

I rose from my seat to give Twilight a parting kiss. “I’ll see you soon, Purps.”

She gave me a much more cheery smile. “I’ll be by tomorrow after a hearing at Town Hall around four, so expect me to come by around five.” She thought for a second. “Before then, do you have any pocket money?”

My face froze and got hot. “I’ve got enough, so don’t worry about that.”

She gave me an odd look. “Are you sure? I don’t mind-”

“I’m sure I’ll be fine.” I said tensely, though I kept a smile on my face. “You’ve done more than enough already, Twilight.”

I felt something drop into my pocket, but before I could reach for whatever it was, Twilight gave me another kiss and teleported out. The thing turned out to be two coins, neither of which I recognized. The woman on the first coin evidently had hair similar to Rainbow’s since there were multiple dividing lines that were each texture in a slightly different way, and the relief on the less attractive side of the coin was mottled while the relief on the other side was smooth and shiny. The woman on both sides of the coin was beautiful in both forms, though her Sanguis face (I assumed. It’s not like it was a difficult comparison) was oddly expressive. I had a feeling that the woman was one of the kindest, most caring people one would ever hope to meet, but I fucking knew better than to trust that feeling.

The other coin had a woman with a rounder face on it in comparison to the other. Her original form and her Sanguis form were both a pleasant mixture of pretty and cute, leaning towards the pretty side while the other woman had just been straight beautiful, hands down. The woman on the second coin seemed like she was always ready to smile or laugh, and it was odd how the slight wrinkles in her eyes made her seem like she was prepared for the next joke. She only had three distinct dividing lines in her hair, so I assumed that she was a little less colorful and a little more down to Earth.

Fluttershy came to stand beside me as I was looking at the coins and said, “Celestia and Cadance.”

“Which one’s which?” I asked.

Fluttershy pointed at the coin in my left hand, the one I’d started with. “That one’s Celestia. If you ever get to meet her, then it’s really important that you act like Jay and not like Ty.”

“So act weird, not slutty?” I chuckled.

Fluttershy giggled along with me. “Well, yes, but I was going to say that you should try being polite.”

“Can I politely ask to be added to her harem, or can I add her to mine?” I asked jokingly.

Fluttershy stopped smiling. “That’s never funny, Jay. Celestia doesn’t like jokes about her being added to someone else’s harem.”

“I’ll be sure to get myself arrested for treason then.” I chuckled nervously. “Anyway, so I’ve been meaning to ask you something for a little bit. Since I woke up from Applejack’s fuck up, actually.”

She gave me a frightened look. “H-Have I d-done something?”

“Did you turn me into a Vampire?” I asked flatly.

“N-No!”

“Then what the Hell am I and why do I want you to bite me?” I asked irritably.

Fluttershy steepled her fingers and hid behind her hair. “... I-I m-might have let you have a-a t-t-teensy little drop o-of my b-b-blood.”

“... I swear to Max, if you tell me that you made me into a Thrall, I’ll gonna put a wet finger in your nose, and it’s not gonna be wet with spit.”

“Eep!”

“Fuckin’ shit, Flutters!” I groaned.

“I-It won’t hurt you! I promise!” She cried.

I walked over to her, held her face, and then licked her all over, making sure to stain every visible inch with a coat of saliva. “Your face is delicious! Make it stop!”

Fluttershy’s face was adorably scrunched up. “Eww…”

“Oh, it’s gonna happen again.” I said flatly. “I don’t know what the sum of the effects are, but right now it’s like you fed me a fucking love potion without the actual overflowing amounts of love.”

Fluttershy just stood there, her face sliding into a frown. “I… I did it to save your life.”

I folded my arms. “Twilight had you do it, didn’t she?”

“... It was either making you into a Thrall or turning you into a Revenant.” She answered softly.

“So you picked the lesser of two evils.” I licked her cheek again slowly. “Seriously, you’re delicious. I need you to promise me now that you’re not going to take advantage of me while I have your blood in my system.”

Fluttershy gave me an odd look. “... Your Thrall instincts are telling you to lick me?”

I ran my tongue over my aching canines and found that they were pointy as fuck. They were sharp enough that I afraid I was going to cut my tongue on them. “Pretty sure my instincts are telling me to bite you.”

“Oh… Y-Yeah, that’s supposed to happen.”

“What happens if I bite you?”

“Well, n-nothing if you don’t drink my blood.”

“And if I do drink your blood?”

“... That depends on how much of my venom I let you have.” Fluttershy answered, her voice taking a familiar tilt to it.

“Shy, I’m guessing.” I looked at her eyes and saw that I wasn’t wrong.

“Bingo, boyo.” She giggled. Shy took a step closer and placed a hand on my chest, so I put my hand over hers as I noted the scent of Kahlua on her breath, but I knew full well that she hadn’t been drinking. “Flutters is going to take a break for a little bit, so why don’t I tell you how I’m going to make you my obedient little slave.”

“I’d drive a stake through your heart before I became your slave.” I replied neutrally.

“And kill us both?” Shy taunted.

“Give me liberty or give me death.”

She gave me a sultry smile and placed a kiss on my jaw. “Res-o-lute. Shy likey.” She let her hand trail up to my clavicle and slid it over my shoulder and down my arm so she could hold my hand. “The slave talk is all bullshit anyway. I might like the idea of having a piece of fuckmeat around to do my bidding, but Flutters might kill me off if I actually tried something like that.”

“Point Fluttershy.”

Shy gave me a knowing smile. “You know, you can proposition either of us. I’m certainly not going to say no, and I doubt Fluttershy would turn you down.”

I raised a brow and she let her hands rest on my neck. “I’ll wait, thank you. I have a chance to take things at a decent pace with Fluttershy, so I think I’ll save sex for when we have a few dates behind us.”

She pouted a little. “Damn sunglasses make you look like a prick.”

I kissed her cheek. “Damn sunglasses keep my eyes from hurting, and even then it still sucks to be outside for too long.”

“We could always make you a full-blooded Vampire.” Shy purred.

“Nah. I’m good.”

“Oh come on! It’s not as bad as the legends say! You don’t have to sleep if you don’t want to, you always look good, and it makes you nearly immortal! The only real drawbacks are that you have to be careful while feeding, but if you feed regularly, it’s not hard, and learning some of the Blood Magic can be a bit tricky.”

“But can I still cross flowing water and see myself in the mirror?” I asked.

Shy rolled her eyes. “The only day-to-day drawbacks are that normal food doesn’t taste as good, and that your piss comes out pink. That’s it.”

“And how would someone kill me if I agreed?”

She gave me a look. “How else do you kill a walking dead? Take care of the head or stab it through the heart. It’s not hard to get killed by someone who knows what they’re doing, but if you’re not stupid, even Rarity and her bullshit family of Fang-Collectors are going to have a hard time pinning you down.”

“... One of your friends hunts your kind?” I asked, just to make sure that I heard her correctly.

“She would be dead if it was up to me.” Shy scoffed. “Flutters just likes her because they get along, but I say she needs a good suckin’. Wouldn’t have to feed for a month with all the mana in her blood.” She licked her lips.

“Does Rarity have a higher MR than me?”

“Definitely. She’s a B Plus, and that’s an extremely accurate estimate, straight from Celestia herself.” Shy pressed herself against me and I gently pushed her away. “Oh come on, Lover Boy~ Dontcha wanna dance with a demoness?”

“I get that you’re a part of the Fluttershy package, but you’re under the same rules as her. I’m not going to be rushed along because of this Thrall bullshit.” I said darkly.

“I am loving the amount of spine you have~” She cooed greedily. “I can’t wait to break it all into pieces!”

That sent fucking chills down the aforementioned spine, but before I could conjure up a hateful challenge to her bullshit, Shy’s eyes closed and opened to reveal a pair of cyan pools of frustration. “I-I’m sorry, Jay… Sh-Shy is... “ Her eyes pleaded with me for forgiveness, asking me to understand.

Without the visual cue, I probably wouldn’t have said anything to her. However, I saw the shift in her eyes, the change in expression, heard the difference in her voice. Shit was weird, so I said, “Shy is asking for a hate-fuck. I’m not going to give it to her.”

Fluttershy was fucking floored. “... B-But… I-I mean, but… I’m sorry, but are you actually dumb?”

I pouted like a man. “Bish please.”

“...’Bish’?” She threw up some air quotes, her normal bashfulness long gone as she tucked her hair behind her ear to give me a puzzled yet slightly irritated look. “Is that another word for ‘Bitch’?”

“No, it’s a combination of words.” I replied haughtily. “Uncultured hippy.”

Fluttershy narrowed her eyes at me. “I’ll have you know that I am very cultured! And I would very much like to know what bish is a combination of and what hippy means, please and thank you.”

I couldn’t keep a straight face, so I forced my lips to stay in a warm smile. “A hippy is an environmental advocate who usually partakes in marijuana and tries to be one with nature. I mean, you kinda live with a bunch of animals so…”

She relaxed a little at that one. “Okay. So what is a bish?”

“A-A-A B-B-Bit-Bitch Fish. I giggled mercilessly.

“... A what?”

I giggled for a minute before getting ahold of myself and managing to say, “B-Bitch-Fish.”

Fluttershy smiled as I giggled along like a fuckin’ retard. “I can’t say that I care what it is if it’s just something you said so you could giggle about it.”

I sighed mirthfully once I caught my breath and gave Fluttershy a hug. “I won’t piss you off for the purpose of my own gains too often, I promise. If I do it on purpose, feel free to make me sleep on the couch.”

Fluttercup held me at arm’s length and gave me an oddly odd look. “... You know I’m the one that’s supposed to get kicked to the couch, right?”

I gave her a look. “It’s your house.”

“While your here, you might as well be my husband. That’s why Twilight tried to leave without asking for a goodbye present.” She informed helpfully.

“Ah. Do you want me to do the-”

“Yes.” Fluttershy nodded, shaking her hair back into her face. She blew her hair away from her face with some deft lip handles.

“Okay then. Mind if we-”

“Are you going to lick my face again?” Fluttershy asked softly, her lips moving making me want to stop talking.

“If you want to wash your face that’s fine, but I’m probably going to be lickin’ ya again at some point.” I sighed.

She chuckled at that before licking her lips for no apparent reason. I gave her an apologetic look and she gave me a kiss that was fucking toe-curling like nothing I’d felt before. From the moment or lips made contact to the time or lips parted, I was subject to Fluttershy’s will, whatever it may have been. From the meeting point spread a heavy heat that left me feeling starved for more, addicted to the ecstasy already as if the near orgasmic bliss was an opiate that could be transfused from skin contact. It wasn’t hard to figure out that Fluttershy had coated her lips in her venom to spike the kiss and I should have been pissed, but I beseech you to ask a junkie how hard it is to be pissed when they’ve just been shown a mountain of pure dope and been told that they’ll get the maximum high every time. Like… I got hooked and she set the fucking poison bait as I watched. I can’t even say I’m mad because I still ache for another kiss like Fluttershy’s.

All too soon after all too long, but not long enough, Fluttershy pulled away from me and stopped me from following her lips with a finger. She gave me a warm smile and said, “I know you want another one, but I don’t want you to get addicted. I just wanted to give you a little something special is all.”

“Too late.” I breathed when she removed her finger.

“I’d know.” She answered simply. “Wait for me?”

“Will I get another kiss?” I asked desperately, my bones aching for her to say yes.

Fluttershy frowned. “It shouldn’t have been that potent.” She opened her mouth and pricked her finger on a rapidly sharpening tooth. “Here. This should make it better.”

I stared at the little pinprick of blood on her finger. “Trade one addiction for another?”

“You can resist the urge to lick me.” She reminded. “How long do you think it’ll be before you try to force yourself onto me?”

I grimaced, but I didn’t have much of a fuckin’ choice. I licked her finger clean and she didn’t smile or anything. True remorse was on her face, but there was a gleam in her eye that told me she was only regretful to a point. “Give me one good reason why I shouldn't leave.”

“I-I can’t stop you i-if you want to go,” She replied softly, “but I’m really sorry… I-I won’t give you anymore of my blood…”

“Please don’t unless I’m about to die.” I said flatly.

Fluttershy nodded solemnly. “I-I understand. I-I won’t use so much venom for the next kiss… I-If there is one…” She glanced at me before looking at the floor.

I wanted another one then and there, but I refrained from just going for it. “Not today…” She wrung her hands and I couldn’t help but notice her body language. It was just too apparent. “... Wouldn’t mind some cuddling though. To clear the air, y’know?”

Flutters glanced at me again and cleared her throat. “I-If you want… C-Can I go wash my face? A-A-All I can smell is c-caramel…”

“... I haven't had a caramel anything in like, months.” I said, confused. “Don’t let me stop you though.”

She went off to go do that and I got hit in the head by a baby carrot. I caught it before it could fall to the ground and it looked clean, so I rubbed it off on my shirt and ate it because I was hungry. I saw the next carrot coming from the corner of my eye and caught that one before I could get it and saw a little white bunny with a carrot in its paw. I tilted my head at it and tossed the carrot back since I like animals, but then it threw the carrot it was holding at me. It’s not like I was about to let it hit me, so I caught that one too, but Fluttershy came back in time to see me make the catch.

“Jay? What are you doing?” She asked.

“Little bunny keeps throwing carrots at me.” I answered simply.

Fluttershy rounded the corner and glared at the offending bunny, freezing it in place. “Don’t mess with Jay, Angel. He’s one of us.” ‘Angel’ hissed and Fluttershy’s glare grew dark and foreboding enough to make me back up a step. “Fall in line or fall flat.”

The bunny scurried off quickly and Fluttershy turned to me with an apologetic smile. “S-Sorry you had to see that… Sometimes A-Angel forgets who’s boss.”

“Hissing hare. Huh.”

“... You just did that so you could alliterate, didn’t you?”

“What’s alliteration?” I asked blankly.

I earned myself a look and got dragged to the couch where Fluttershy promptly sat down and tried to put her arm around me awkwardly. I wasn’t having any of her sit and ended up making her switch me spots so I could rest against the arm of the couch and she could chill with me. “... Jay?” She asked meekly from my arms.

“Yeah, Fluttercup?”

“... Aren’t I supposed to be holding you? Th-This is r-really nice, but… Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around?”

“Not on my planet.” I scoffed. “Nah, besides; I can’t do this,” I grabbed her chest gently, “if you’re holding me.”

“Eep! Jay!” Fluttershy whisper-shouted.

“Do you want me to move my hands, or should I just ask permission?”

Fluttershy’s hands covered mine and I could feel them trembling. “I-I-I d-d-don’t mind i-if you l-l-leave them th-there.”

I gave her a little squeeze and got another ‘Eep!’ for it. “Thank you. I have to say, cuddling with you is hard. Snuggling is so much easier.”

She giggled nervously. “W-Well, i-it’s not hard wh-when you’re so eager.”

“It’s your fault anyway.” I said flatly, keeping the bitterness out of my tone. I added a happy inflection when I said, “If you weren’t so damn sexy, I’d be able to keep my hands off of you.”

Fluttershy turned her head to look at me and smiled sadly. “You’re the only one who thinks so.”

“I still don’t get why that is.”

“Well… I-I’ve been told that more than a h-handful is a waste…”

I gave her another little squeeze and got another ‘Eep’, so I tried doing it again and got another. I just amused myself by making Fluttershy make noises until they started turning into moans. “A little extra to play with is always fun. I know a lot of guys who’d agree with me on that.”

“... Thank you.” Fluttershy murmured.

“I’m just being honest, Fluttershy. Maybe it’s because I’ve got two handfuls of bliss or something, but I don’t think I’ll ever tell you that you’re too much woman to handle.”

“Does that mean I can get fat?” She giggled.

“Yeah, but it’s healthier if you don’t.”

“Aww!”

I kissed her temple and let go of her breasts so I could just hug her a little closer. “Thank you for saving my life.”

“I would do it again… Even if you got more mad, I’d still do it.” She answered quietly.

“Why?” I asked curiously.

“... If you laugh…” She said softly.

“I won’t laugh, I promise.” I oathed sincerely.

It took her a moment that dragged on for a while, but she eventually got the weight off of her chest. “... You’re the first man to tell me that I’m desirable. I would save you just because I don’t like letting innocent people die, but…”

I hugged her tighter. “What would you have done if it were Ty?”

She took another long moment to answer, but her voice was firm when she did. “It wouldn’t have mattered. I think Ty would be after me for all the wrong reasons, and I am not the doormat I used to be.”

“Wanna have sex?” I asked flatly.

“W-Well i-if you i-i-insist.” She stammered.

“I was proving a point, but it’s nice to know that you’re ready.” I chuckled.

Fluttershy gave me a pouty look. “You tricked me…”

I kissed her temple again. “I dindu nuffin. I waz framed.”

“Framed by who?”

“Your magic white rabbit has left its writing on the wall.” I sang.

“You’re goofy, you goofball. Goofy goofer.”

I nibbled on her ear with my flat teeth, making her gasp, but I didn’t want to do that as much as I wanted to lick her some more, so I shifted Fluttershy so that I could have easy access to the nape of her neck. I gave her a little test lick and her sweetness hadn’t diminished much since I’d last licked her. “You’re still tasty.”

“I-Is this leading to something?” Fluttershy asked, her voice nervous, but not indicative of her feelings on the matter.

I sighed. “If I keep it up, then yes. I should probably go.”

Fluttershy’s sigh mimicked mine. “Oh well. M-Maybe next time we can go on a date?”

I kissed her cheek before extricating myself from the couch. “Once I earn enough money-”

“Wait, y-you don’t think I’m letting you pay, do you?” Fluttershy asked incredulously.

I raised a brow. “It’s not up for debate.”

She stared at me for a moment and nothing happened. Then something fucking happened, which was that it felt like my heart had started pumping ice through my veins. “You’re right, Jay. It’s not up for debate. You can pick the time and place, but I pay for the date. We’re not arguing over it.”

“... Gotcha.” I said wisely.

My heart started warming me up when Fluttershy smiled. “Thank you. Be careful on your way home, okay?”

“Yeah. Take care, Fluttershy.” I said a bit numbly.

“Goodbye, Jay.” She said.

I got the fuck outta dodge as fast as was civil, and then I let my legs carry me back to my house where I started reading up on more runes. I had to do something to get my mind off of Fluttershy’s crazy ass, Twilight’s crazy ass, and as was always a worry of mine, Ty’s well-being. I dove deep into the world of runs in Applied Artificery and committed a lot of them to memory, such as strengthening runes that would make armor tougher, a few miscellaneous runes that I could certainly find uses for, and a few combo runes like ‘Perimeter’ and ‘Sweep’. I tested those out with the main area of my shop and had my broom sweep up some dust on its own while I held onto the dustpan. It was actually super dope, so I went to a bakery, finally broke the damn Twily I’d been holding onto, and returned home with some bread and butter. A pretty decently sized loaf of bread and a stick of butter had only cost me five bits all together, so I was pretty hype about how far my money would go since I could make a couple of meals out of what I had. I didn’t bother to haggle with the baker since the guy was a guy, and I’d only seen like, four during my time in Magiville. We had a bond of brotherhood going on that told me that he’d gone on a special discount price for me anyway, which was dope as shit. Anyway, I added a ‘Cut’ rune and a ‘Bread’ basic rune to a kitchen knife to make a combo and lo and behold! My creation would automatically cut slices of bread depending on how many times you tapped the handle of the knife, and I even got it to spread butter after doing a little more research.

And then I might have gone a little crazy with the ATD. I say a little, I mean that I fucked my shop up. Like, dear Max. I had runes on every wall for strength enchantments, but shortly after getting them placed, I was starving, so I ate some bread and butter. Then I enchanted the counter of my shop to be damn near bulletproof, which made me hungry again, so I ate some more bread and butter. After that with my heavy-duty ATD stored in its proper place, I put a magic lock on my safe and cash register, on the door to my room, and on the zippers of my bag. I had to link the locks on my bag to a piece of scrap metal that I put in the bag, but they still made it so that other people would have a hard time getting my shit open.

The day was coming to a close and I was starving all over again, but I only had one meal wort of bread left and I wanted to save it for another time. With the Sun dipping in the sky and me only knowing of one place in town that could keep me full through the night, I headed to ‘Coffee Cup’s diner and avoided getting hit on by taking alleys as often as I could. As nice as it sounds to constantly be desired for just being who you are, it’s not always the best kind of attention to be getting.

I learned that the name of the diner was actually The Coffee Pot, and when I checked out their hours, I learned that they went all night long, which was something I planned on committing to memory, just in case I ever needed a cup of coffee and didn’t have one. As it was, I hoped that ‘Coffee Cup’ didn’t leave already, but then again, I didn’t get my hopes too high. When I walked in and smelled the lovely scent of clogging arteries, I took a deep breath and strolled over to the seat that was soon going to be claimed as my spot. As I was checking the menu for something other than a burger, I heard someone set a mug and saucer down.

‘Coffee Cup’ was already giving me a smile. “Welcome back, Jay.”

“Good to see you, ‘Coffee’.” I replied pleasantly. “How’s your day been?”

She pulled a flask out of her apron and took a swig before stoppering it and dropping it back into the pocket it came from. “I hear a lot of stuff, and they don’t make liquor strong enough to make me forget.” She chuckled.

I knew from the slight edge in her voice that she was only half joking. “Maybe if you had a loyal customer with a friendly ear to hear what you hear you wouldn’t have to drink.”

“Maybe if you hadn’t gotten involved with the most dangerous women in the country, we wouldn’t have met.” She chuckled some more. “Everything has its purpose, Jay.”

“So sayeth thee, jester.” I scoffed. “I prefer to be enlightened, and enlightenment comes with the knowledge that sometimes things just happen. Fate’s strings sometimes lead to dead ends, and that’s about it.”

“Whoever told you that is a real negative nag.” Coffee huffed.

I raised a brow at her. “It’s in The Creator’s holy book, the Maxronomicon. The guy who made the planet says that bad things just happen sometimes, and that’s okay.”

She just gave me a look. “You’re lucky there’s other customers to check up on, otherwise I’d be nagging you about putting words in the Almighty’s mouth.”

“He was the one who wrote the damn book.” I chuckled.

“What makes you so sure she’s a he?” ‘Coffee’ asked, folding her arms.

“I’ve met him. Seen him in person. He was a dude.” I pursed my lips.

“Prove it when I get back.” She scoffed.

“Got a bottle of bourbon?”

“Got half a flask. Why?”

I grinned at her. “You’re about to meet God.”

She passed me her flask. “Do whatever it is you need to. If you steal my liquor, I expect you to buy me some more!”

“I only need two shots for the alternate summoning.” I poured approximately two shots into the empty mug she’d given me. “Can I get some coffee and an ice cube?”

‘Coffee’ gave me a look. “I can get you enough ice to cool the coffee down, if that’s what you want.”

“Then that please.” I gave her a warm smile.

She returned it after I gave her alcohol back. “I’ll be right back.”

It took her a little while to come back, but when she did, she poured me a cup of lukewarm coffee and I smashed the mug in the metaphorical sense. “Fuck Juice Fuck Juice Fuck Juice!” I said slightly above conversation volume.

‘Coffee Cup’ gave me another funny look (along with a few late-coming patrons) before her eyes went wide and her head turned to my left side. I looked over to the omniscient one and he said, “You’re buying my burger.”

“No problem. Can it be a bribe?” I asked.

“For what?” He scoffed.

“Friendship. I don’t need you to do the extra shit, but there’s too many fuckin’ females here, bruh.”

“Hey!” Coffee objected.

Max gave her a look. “It’s a Femajority town. Are you really surprised that a guy wants to see another guy every once in awhile?”

“Well, no, but that kinda came out mean.” She said irritably. “I’m guessing you’re the guy posing as The Creator?” He just gave her a single smile and she blinked rapidly. “... Nevermind. I apologize.”

“Don’t worry about it, ‘Coffee Cup’.” He used some air quotes and she blushed.

I rolled my eyes. “So do you always come when someone’s trying to prove your existence, or what?”

“I usually make it a point to show up unless someone’s bragging. You were using me to get your point across, so it’s cool.” Maximus patted my shoulder.

“Sweet.” I looked to ‘Coffee’ who seemed to be a little lost. “Why no special drink this time?”

She snapped out of her awe. “Um… Didn’t have an open burner, otherwise I would have made you something.”

“Humble Seer serving good luck potions to those in need.” Max chuckled. “If you’re looking for someone to teach you that thing you’re trying to learn, she’ll do.”

“I’m guessing I shouldn’t say it out loud?” I asked quietly.

“Whoa whoa whoa, hold up guys,” Coffee said, leaning in. “I’m not exactly a teacher here, and I don’t have a license to practice anything anyway, so you’re better off saving up so you can go to a university for it.”

“I just need some basic transmutation for assembly, not for equivalent exchange. It’s really not terribly menacing.” I replied softly.

“Still. Why don’t you ask Twilight Sparkle to teach you? Everyone around town will tell you that she’s all too happy to teach a willing mind.”

Max and I looked at each other, but Max was the one who said, “She’s going to clip whatever she teaches him heavily. Twilight was taught by Celestia, and Celestia taught her to be guarded with certain schools, including both of the ones Jay’s looking into.”

‘Coffee’ bit her lip and glanced at me. “... That’s a shame, but I learned a lot of useless things anyway. Having someone pare it down would have been nice.”

Max sighed. ”Oh well. I tried.”

“What if I asked really nicely?” I bargained.

She gave me a look. “I already placed your order, but I need The Creator’s.”

“I’ll have a Barnyard Hoedown.” Max said, his accent making the words sound extra stupid.

‘Coffee’ sighed. “I really regret naming it that when you say it.”

“Don’t blame me for the accent. I was born with it.” The Creator of the damned planet huffed like a… Nah, I’m not that brave.

I wanted to correct him, but I liked being unsmited pretty well. “If you were a woman, it’d be sexy.”

“It’s sexy now.” He said flatly. “I still pull American girls with no problem, it’s just that I don’t like Terrans like that. Equusians? Sure. Arkaidites? A couple. Terrans? Nah.”

“Furry.” I muttered under my breath.

“I’ll fuck you up, mate.” He deadpanned.

I shut the fuck up as ‘Coffee’ made herself scarce and changed the topic. “So what was it like? Finding yourself on a planet full of people who didn’t look anything like you?”

“Weird, for one. It could have been worse, but I already had PTSD by the time I got to Equestria, so it’s kind of in the air as to what a normal person would have felt in my shoes since I'm waiting to drop another Human on Equus. After awhile I started to miss England, but I never really got too down with my homesickness. Well, I turned into an alcoholic, but you know how all that goes.”

“I really don’t, and thank you for that.”

“No problem. You know Fluttershy is still the least dangerous one, right? She really was just trying to make the kiss nice for you.”

“So she didn’t set me up so that events played out like they did?”

“Nope. Pure accident, mate, but I’d keep an eye on her anyway. She wouldn’t purposefully push you away, but not all bad moves are accidents, if you catch my drift.”

I looked at him. “The only thing I’m getting from that is that she might be trying to help me and it just ending badly.”

He snapped his fingers. “Bingo, dingo. The road to Hell is paved with the best of intentions.”

“Thanks.” I grunted. “Needed more shit on my plate.”

“I’d make a joke, but I think I’ll just say that a bad friend would let you get blindsided, bruv.”

I nodded. “True, but you might ruin my appetite if you keep it up.”

Max nudged me and chuckled, so we carried on by talking about women until ‘Coffee’ came back, and when she went off to go get our food, we continued without her again. The food was good and only ended up costing me eight bits, so that was nice. ‘Coffee’ only let me pay for one meal anyway, so I was feeling pretty good about that. I ended up getting a hug from her and Max before I went home, and letting my eyes rest on the way home by taking more alleys was lovely, though I couldn’t help but feel like I was being watched. I shrugged it off, got home, locked everything, and slept with my gun in one hand and my knife in the other.

Seems like a good place to stop for now. Until next time, I guess