Chapter Five: The Art of Dumb Shit
For some weird reason, I was actually able to fall asleep in Twilight’s bed after I got off, but it wasn’t restful sleep. Not by a fucking mile. I was feeling restless when I woke up, having only slept a couple of hours overall, and the fear that Twilight was going to flip her switch and come after me made me want to find somewhere safe to hide, but I didn’t think that I could hide from her even if she didn’t have magic. No, I was some kind of stuck with Twilight, but what could I do to make my situation an better? I couldn’t leave her because she’d already said that she would kidnap me, and I couldn’t kill her because that would end pretty badly, so I had to make myself deal with the danger without the comfort of my weapons.
I woke up before Twilight, surprised that I’d managed to get up before a Princess, who I assumed woke up early because fucking obvious reasons. My phone was in my bag downstairs, so I eased my way out of bed, headed down to the guest room, and learned something interesting about Arcadia and the internet, which was that it still worked for some odd reason. My phone was only half charged when I got ahold of it, but that was a lot better than it should have been since I’d left it alone for nearly a week. The first thing I did was go to my Spotify and play Yvette Young’s A Map, A Light, A String and relax for a little bit as her sugar sweet voice carried me away to bliss. Her acoustic stylings always made me feel better, but the song itself made feel feel that much further from my brother.
Twilight came around during the third time the song played back, but she came at the wrong moment. The ‘Siren Song’ verse was probably the most heart wrenching part of the song, evidenced by Twilight tearing up toward the end of the song. “... That was beautiful, but where is she?”
I sat up from the guest bed and looked at Twilight, who was standing in the doorway. “Yvette Young? Probably somewhere in Cali, I’d say.”
“Cali? She’s here in Arcadia?”
I gave Twilight a look. “What? No, Yvette Young is an artist from America.” I asked, stopping the song before it could repeat again since it was seven minutes long. “I just have a few of her songs on my phone.”
“What's a phone?” She asked.
I held up my LG G8. “A telecommunication and entertainment device. Ty and I are probably the only ones with phones on this planet.”
That seemed to pique Twilight’s interest plenty. “Maybe you could show me after breakfast and a bath? We don’t have to bathe together today, but if you want to…” She gave me a lustful look.
I considered it for a moment. “It would save time overall if we showered together. I’m down.”
“Down?”
“It sounds good to me. Are we eating first, or are we going to mess around and make Spike wait forever for breakfast?”
Twilight gave me a funny look. “Like most Arcadian women, I’m not exactly great at cooking, you know. Spike usually makes breakfast around here.”
“Looks like I’ll be giving him a hand then.” I said pleasantly.
“Oh, so you’re a man who likes to cook?”
“It’s a skill I picked up from Ty’s Mom, Momma Betty. My Moms can’t cook worth a friendly dog’s lick.”
“Can Ty cook too?”
“Yeah. He’s better at it than I am, plus he likes to do the cleaning and that type of shit around the house. I always told that dude that he’d make a good house husband since he fit the stereotype for a good house spouse like a correctly chambered bullet. He’s just slutty.”
“You can’t turn a Harem King into a House Husband.” Twilight chuckled. “Well, not unless you shackle him somehow. Most women ask for a baby if they’re not sure which one they have.”
“What, does a Harem King always say no?” I asked, mildly amused.
She scoffed. “Please. A Harem King will say yes every time. A House Husband always hesitates because they’ll be worried about messing up the good thing they have going with something as stressful as a baby. A Harem King will scrabble and run themselves ragged to take care of their several children so they don’t have to pay attention to the multitude of women they’ve promised their heart to.”
I shivered. “I don’t want to share my heart with too many people. It’s already making me feel weird that I slept with you before Applejack.”
There was a hard glint in Twilight’s eyes. “Do you regret it?”
“No, but it just feels odd. I’m so used to sticking with one woman at a time-”
“I’ll be sure to help you get used to sharing your heart with more than one other person, so don’t you worry about that, Sweetie.” Twilight said, crossing the room to come sit next to me. “If you think you’re falling for someone over someone else, then I can make you a potion that will make you feel the same way about the other person to. It’ll make you feel a little divided when it comes to who you want to spend the day with, but you could always leave it up to chance.”
“... It scares me more than you could ever know that you have the capability to make things that alter my emotions.”
Twilight held up her pinkie, so I hooked it with mine. “Jameson, I swear that I won’t hurt you or try to change you with magic. I might try to help you be nicer with your words since you can get really mean, but I’m not going to make you do anything unless you leave me high and dry. Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.”
“That’s a lot harsher in my world. It’s ‘Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye.”
“Well, there’s a different version that Luna uses, but it’s ‘Hope to rend, stick a dagger in the end’. I don’t really get it, but she says it’s better than the nice version.”
“She’s talkin’ about puttin’ a knife up one’s butt for the price of a broken promise.”
“... Okay then. I think we should go help Spike with breakfast.”
“Sounds good to me.” It sounded better than talking about the thing some more, at least.
I ended up helping Spike make pancakes and eggs for breakfast. It was meager compared to the veritable feast that the Apple Family prepared every morning, but I couldn’t help but worry about whether or not Ty was getting fed too. I doubted that he would end up somewhere too bad, but I couldn’t stop worrying about my brother and even dropped a few conversations over breakfast because I kept getting lost in my head. Twilight asked me what was on my mind, so I told her that I was thinking about Ty and she told me to try to let him be for a little bit so I could finish my food and go get dressed for the day.
I grabbed some clothes and waited around for Twilight to do the same since we were do for a shower, and we took the shower together, but I was distracted for most of it. She got my attention by keeping her hands on me, but that just added to my overall discomfort, so I tried to swallow my feelings after the shower by smoking some of my herb to level out my nerves. Twilight didn’t partake, but she did express interest in studying weed’s effects, so I told her everything I knew about the stuff, which was pretty inclusive if I do say so myself. Shit wasn’t that hard to research back on Earth, so I spent plenty of time looking at weed just because I was curious about it.
With a good portion of our morning spent, Twilight offered to show me to the thing she’d bought for me, so we dragged Spike along with us into town and much to my pleasure, my shop wasn’t too close to the center of town, but it wasn’t at the edge of town either. It was nearby a seemingly residential neighborhood, so I figured that having customers close for whatever I wanted to sell or whatever Twilight was going to push me into doing would be good for business. The shop itself stood on the end of a chain of three shops with an alleyway behind the building, which I was hoping to use for experiments or something since I didn’t want to test some of the things I had in mind inside of a building.
The face of the store had a large plate glass window and something that looked like pedestals of differing types that would probably hold whatever I needed them to, but I was most likely going to end up doing some sort of custom work for the first few gadgets I was going to make. With any luck, I would have some way to make a basic battery so I could entertain people for a little bit. As that thought crossed my mind, Twilight came to a stop in front of the shop, so Spike and I stopped with her.
“This is it! There’s an apartment upstairs and a cellar downstairs, but this is your shop!” Twilight proclaimed proudly.
“I like it. I’m already feelin' the inspiration.” I replied calmly.
“You don’t sound all that excited.” Spike commented casually.
“I don’t really make a habit of getting too excitable.” I shrugged. “I’m very happy at the moment, though.”
Twilight smiled at me. “Wanna go inside?”
“Well, I was hopin' to get my hands dirty with some work today, so let’s.” I responded with a bit more inflection, though I felt more like shooting people in the foot until someone gave me my brother back.
Twilight lead the way in and I took a moment to survey my new thing. The dark, hardwood floors had some wear and tear on them from scuffs, scrapes, and water damage, but it gave it a homier feel than a new floor would have. The walls were all in pristine condition, but I thought that the bare beige coloration could do with a little livening up, so my first order of action was to start making sculptures to make the shop seem less dreary. With that lined up on my itinerary, I ignored Twilight and Spike for a moment as I walked around the main area of the shop, committing ever step to memory before I inspected the counter.
There was a secondary worktable on the shop’s side of the counter, and there were a few magical lights that illuminated the surface so that one could work and manage their business at the same time. Rather, I assumed that a lot of the tools on the secondary workbench were there for fine tuning, but when I examined them as a whole, there was one piece in the middle of the finer looking tools that seemed to be engraved. The tool had a spoon-like tip that was sharpened to a point, obviously making the tool some kind of scraping instrument. The tip itself was about a centimeter from the beginning of the bowl to the tip of the point, and the instrument itself looked like it was about five or six inches long at the handle. The neck of the tool was about three inches, which made me curious as to what it was made of since it looked like it had crystal, metal, and wood in the handle. The crystal and wood formed an unnatural looking seal that told me the device was probably magical as fuck, and the silver capped engravings seemed to speak to me in a way. I understood that they made the steel tip of the tool harder, but not what they really meant.
“Jay?” Twilight asked. “You’ve been staring at the workbench for a few minutes now.”
I walked over to it and grabbed the tool. “What is this?”
Twilight smiled. “It’s an Artificer’s Tool, or rather, an ATD if you want to use the correct terminology. Artifact Transconversion Device, in Common Arkaish.”
“It’s used to engrave runes, right?”
Spike cleared his throat and Twilight’s eyes lit up with excitement as he said, “Well, yeah, but you can use anything to engrave a rune. Ambient mana will eventually fill it, but an ATD means that you can charge the rune then and there instead of trying to take your thing to a Mana Well to set the thing. We all know Mana Wells might as well be an actual well for as much mana as the public ones have during the day.”
“Ah. So what, I just channel my magic into this thing and start engraving?” I asked.
“If you want to simplify it that much.” Twilight gave me an amused smile.
I shrugged. “I save the complicated things for schematics. Now, why do I have the feeling that this isn’t a common tool?”
My overly generous, loaded Princess girlfriend twirled a lock of her hair casually. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. You have a better one in the back of the shop.”
“Twilight.” I said softly.
She pouted at me. “I just wanted to fill your shop with whatever tools you might need!”
“Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you, but I’m pretty sure this little thing,” I held up the tool, “probably cost about as much as the shop.”
“Well, that one is a portable version, so it was a little expensive, but the other one wasn’t that bad.” Twilight said, starting to sound a bit nervous.
She was behind the counter with me since there was plenty of space, so I decided to stop putting pressure on her and flipped my genuine gratitude switch. “Again, thank you, but please don’t break the bank just to do something nice for me. You being your normal self makes me want a kiss, and kisses make me smile, and smiles make me happy. We’re back to kisses again, which is what I’m about to give you.” I followed through.
Twilight was smiling when I pulled away while Spike was groaning. “Can you guys just not? I mean, like, please?”
Twilight shot him a look. “If I give you a Prinny to go away, will you?”
I gave Twilight an odd look because I knew what a Prinny was, and while she may have been a Demon Queen of some kind, but she possessed no penguins. Spike, however, needed clarification. “I want a Looney.”
Purps looked outraged. “That’s highway robbery! I’ll give you a Twily.”
“Make it a Caddy and I’ll leave.”
“I’ll only give you ten Bits if you keep it up.”
“I’ll take that Twily now.” Spike said haughtily, like he didn’t just get haggled down. I wasn’t sure in the moment, but I now know that he’d asked for seventy five Bits with the Looney.
Twilight opened her purse and gave him a familiar coin. “I’ll know if you try to buy wine again, so stop being dumb and just go ask Fluttershy like you think I don’t know you do. She’ll buy it as long as you promise not to tell me.”
Spike stared at her, his cheeks bright red. “Uh…”
I was pretty amused as Twilight patted his shoulder. “You should know better than to do dirt around Magiville, Spike. It always gets around to me eventually.”
“Duuude.” He groaned piteously.
“Damn. Life sucks.” I said disinterestedly.
Spike shot me a dark look. “You know you’re practically inviting her to spy on everything you do, right?”
“You don’t know my mother. She took the door off of every room in the house except for hers and the front door one month because she thought I was doing something I wasn’t supposed to be doing. She was wrong, but I’m not used to personal privacy.” I said drily.
He winced. “Ooh, okay. Maybe it’s not that bad, but Twilight’s not afraid to hit you with a truth spell.”
I looked at her and she shrugged. “Don’t lie to me.”
“I detest magic being used to steal information from someone that they don’t want to share. Nicey-nice interrogation techniques are still-”
“Say you cheat on Applejack and I with a man.” Twilight interrupted, irritating me a bit. “We ask you where you went for the night and you lie to us. Now, Applejack already knows your lying, and she’s not happy about it. Applejack tells me that you’re lying and I’m not happy about it. You have a Princess and the next Matriarch of Equestria’s biggest family mad at you. Your choice lies between a truth spell, or disappearing for however long we want you to because no one can say anything to us other than the Princesses. You get what I’m getting at here, Sweetie?”
“... We’re clear.” I replied.
Twilight beamed and gave me a hug. I glanced at Spike and he was giving me a look like he knew exactly what my shoes felt like. “Good! Now, do you want to explore the rest of your shop, or do you want me to come up with more examples about things you shouldn’t lie about?”
“You guys should do some exploring.” Spike said, his voice dripping with sympathy. “If the noises I heard coming from the basement are anything to go by, then you’ll be meeting your neighbors soon enough.”
Twilight colored. “March! Take your hiney somewhere before I teleport you to the lake!”
“Don’t need to tell me twice.” Spike backtalked easily as he started strolling out of the store.
When he was gone, Twilight lead me to the back of the shop and I was immediately in Heaven. There was a drill press, a weird looking CNC table, a table saw; pretty much anything you’d need for just about any project. Every inch of the space was either dedicated to storage or workspace, and there was even a schematics table with a magical light to help with making new shit, and the door to the back alley was clear of debris, so I didn't feel like I was going to die in a fire or anything. I rather wanted to check out the dual wall-shelf of books that Twilight had put in place for me, but I didn’t have the time for it as of the moment. We heard the front door open while Twilight was walking me through some of the basic tools and materials I had on hand, so we went back to the front of the shop and saw Applejack and Fluttershy at the counter.
“Applejack! Fluttershy! It’s good to see you two!” Twilight exclaimed.
Applejack tipped her hat while Fluttershy said a muted, “Hello. It’s nice to see you too.”
“All three of my favorite Arcadians in one spot? Maybe there’s a fierce foursome in my future.” I chuckled.
AJ gave me an odd look. “We got a circle of six girls. There aren’t many little cliques with fewer people than us to be honest with ya.”
“Six on one? Is the other half of this little cadre as attractive as you three, or am I lookin’ at the creme de la creme?” I flirted shamelessly.
Applejack and Fluttershy shared a look, then I realized that they were also looking at Twilight. Twilight turned to me and asked, “Are you trying to expand your harem?”
I bit my lip. “Well, everyone I want is in this room. If you don’t want to let me try and woo Fluttershy, then that’s okay too. I’m just gonna be disappointed.”
Twilight gave me an odd look, one that was hard to read. “Are there any other women you want to add at the moment?”
“No. I prefer to keep my dealings to people I have good feelings about.” Though I’d been hella wrong with Twilight. Still, Fluttershy’s eyes were more honest than Twilight’s.
“Don’t a think it’s an odd coincidence that you’re goin’ after the first three women ya met?” Applejack asked. “I mean, a normal person would play the field at least a little.”
“Is this not the dating phase, just with multiple partners?” I inquired.
Applejack’s eyes flickered between me and Twilight. “Well, yeah, but why us?”
“I’ll give each of you a quick synopsis: Applejack? You’re loyal, tough and toned. Twilight? You’re devoted, sweet, and the perfect cuddle buddy. Fluttershy? You’re my type to the ‘T’. you dotted the ‘I’s while you were at it, and I want to snuggle your face. Is that good enough?”
“So I’m not your type?” Twilight asked quietly, her voice tinged with frost and madness.
Oh shit.
An Ass Wrecker Approaches.
]My heart leapt into my throat when I saw a pissed off, demonic-looking fanged Pegasus in Twilight’s eyes. Her pupils had changed into a flat bar across her irises, and I’m deadass serious when I say that I saw her spirit animal and I almost fucking pissed myself. “... Why would I be with you if you didn’t have characteristics that I like?” I asked slowly, trying not to let my voice tremble.
Twilight glared at me. “You might just want me for my power.”
“I didn’t know you were a Princess before you arrested Ty.” I replied honestly. “I was interested in the cute little nerd with a fantastic ass and a house full of books.”
She glared harder. “I’m not little.”
My fear threatened to push the contents of my stomach and my stomach itself out of me, but I swallowed it for a single boop. “You’re a smol Pwincess wif Pwincess pudding.”
Sleipnir or what-the-fuck-ever was in Twilight’s eyes receded and her pupils started going back to normal as her cheeks pinked slightly. “What’s Princess pudding?”
“I dunno, but in your case I bet it has raisins.”
Fluttershy giggled at that. “Princess pudding.”
Applejack ran a hand through her hair. “Hey Twi, ya mind if I steal Jay for a little bit?”
Twilight pouted. “I guess not. You won’t let him get hurt, right?”
“I can take care of myself for the most part, Twilight.” I said soothingly.
“You’re an untrained Medeis in a Mundusian town. It’s not exactly the best place for you to be, even in a town as relaxed about the Paths as Magiville.” Twilight said.
“She’s right. Some woman gettin’ more than a little handsy with ya could have some pretty rough consequences.” Applejack said, adding in her two cents.
“Then why’d you send me through town alone when you asked me to do the repairs around town?” I asked irritably.
She raised a brow. “Didn’t I tell ya that I was tired from swinging a mallet all day? There ain’t too many women left in town who don’t know that touchin’ you the wrong way gets taken care of off the record.”
I looked at Fluttershy. “Are all your friends dangerous? Like, menacin’ an entire town level dangerous?”
The pink haired, soft-spoken, angelic woman had the gall to give me a questioning look. “B-But Applejack says you’re dangerous too…?”
“Well, I’m considerably less dangerous without my folkey poker and my kiss deliverer.” I grumbled, giving Applejack a shitty look.
The blonde twat gave it right back to me. “I ain’t lettin’ ya loose with a sketchy knife and a weird thing. Ain’t nobody touchin’ either-”
I rolled my eyes to the maximum level of dissin’ bitches. “I’ll be your Deputy.”
“Wait, what? No one told me about this? Seriously?” Twilight asked, glaring at Applejack and I in turn.
“It’s your thought baby, you come up with somethin’.” I tossed the ball into Applejack’s court.
She gave me a quick look for leaving her out to dry, but soldiered on nonetheless. “Twilight, I didn’t tell ya ‘cause it wasn’t necessary. I would just take him on as a consultant or something’, but if I make Jay my Deputy, he can protect himself around town in a perfectly legal way, right? I mean, am I wrong in thinkin’ that havin’ a bow without a string is just wastin’ wood?”
“I love being compared to wood. Makes me feel like an antique of value.” I commented.
Twilight shot me a look that lacked the fire of actual anger. “Hush. Men are to be seen, not heard.”
I took that as a challenge. “Actions do speak louder than words.” Twilight gave me an odd look as I came to stand behind her, craning her neck to look up at me.
I looked at Applejack and she was giving me a deadly look, so I winked at her and turned to Fluttershy who was watching with apprehension. None of them were expecting me to seize Twilight, throw her over my shoulder, and give her two quick spanks. “Hey! Put me down, you absolute butthead!” Twilight cried.
I swung her around so I was holding her Princess style. “Don’t mess with people who can spank you on a whim.”
Twilight pouted at me. “I can spank you too, but I just don’t think it’s very nice!”
“It’s nice for me.” I gave her a dopey grin.
“Alright, Sugar. Put Twilight down nice an’ easy before ya let her get used to it.” Applejack said teasingly.
I pretended to drop Twilight and she clung to my neck for dear life, which was cute, but painful since she was a little bony barring her thighs and ass. I let Twilight down gently, but she pouted so hard that I had to give her an apology kiss. “I’m sorry, Purps, but that wasn’t a very nice thing to say.”
“What? People say that men shouldn’t be heard all the time.” Twilight said irritably.
Applejack coughed. “Different planet.”
Purps blushed. “Oh. I keep forgetting that you’re more like an Arcadian woman, you just happen to be masculine and a guy… You just don’t fit the gender roles, I guess.”
I patted her head patronizingly. “It’s okay. You’re too cute to have to think too hard.”
She gave me a weird look. “I’m… I’m not sure how to take that.”
Fluttershy cleared her throat. “I think it was a compliment.”
“Oh. Was it?” Twilight asked me directly.
“Yes.” I answered because it was. Granted, it was a backhanded compliment, but still.
“Was it a barbed compliment?” Applejack asked flatly.
I frowned. “I wouldn’t call a compliment that. It would defeat the point of complimenting.”
“You’re full of shit, but I still wanna talk to ya for a sec. Mind if we step outside?” Applejack asked.
“Sure thing, let me just get my testicles back from Twilight.” I held my hand out to the woman in question.
She put a coin in my hand. “Go get me some chocolate while you’re out, please?”
I looked at Applejack. “Apparently she’s keeping them. Let’s go to the candy shop.”
“You don’t have ta do that, ya know.” AJ informed needlessly.
I tilted my head at her. “It’s free brownie points at the moment. I won’t do it every time.”
“Well if you’re just doing it so I’ll like you more, then it doesn’t really seem like you’re doing it for the right reason.” Twilight huffed.
Everyone stared at her, but Fluttershy was the one who asked, “... Why else would he do it?”
Purps didn’t even need to think about it. “Love.”
“... Ya’ve known each other less than a full week, Twilight. Actually, today makes it a week. Ya can’t be that attached to Jay already.” Applejack said worriedly.
Twilight raised her chin at Applejack and marched around the counter to face her toe-to-toe. “Maybe Jay and I have something special?”
“Maybe Jay should sleep here tonight.” Applejack said softly, her voice carrying a certain quality to it that I couldn’t quite place.
Twilight’s face fell and she looked like she wanted to cry. “But-”
“No buts, Sweetheart. You’re in too deep, and even if Jay isn’t the type to ask ya to abuse your power, dontcha think it’d be for the best to take a step back and let the fella breathe a little? I ain’t tryin’ ta steal from ya for a night. I just think he might need some time to himself.” Applejack reasoned.
“I-I like being alone sometimes.” Fluttershy said softly.
“So do I, but I’m mostly just going to be reading and figuring out how to make a thing tonight. I don’t think anyone will be able to get much out of me past the tunnel vision.” I added.
Twilight gave me a sad look. “You don’t want to share a bed again tonight? I know you didn’t stay all night, but it wasn’t that bad, was it?”
I gave her a genuine smile, conjured up from the memory of her ass in my hands. “It’s something I look forward to doing again, but I’ve been a bachelor awhile. It’ll take a little getting used to.”
Twilight took a step toward me, but Applejack caught her, and the look of betrayal on the smaller woman’s face was actually rather heartbreaking. I didn’t like that, but making a move was going to give Twilight hope that I was as obsessed with her as she was me, and that shit just wasn’t true. I did, however, have a bone to throw her.
“I’ll see you after my walk with Applejack, Purps. Long enough to say goodnight, at least.” I gave her a pleasant smile.
She seemed to perk up a bit at that. “Promise?”
I frowned. “I don’t like making promises that I don’t know if I can keep. For all I know I could get kidnapped and that would mean I’d be breaking my promise, which means-”
“Just promise her.” Applejack interrupted.
I gave the cowgirl a dark look for interrupting me and looked over to Twilight. “I promise I’ll come over to say goodnight, even if I have to climb through a window or something.”
“Or I could leave the door unlocked.” Twilight said, hammering me with patronization.
“I’ll spank you again, but this time it’ll be kinky.” I warned.
I received looks for my words and Applejack sighed. “Come on, weirdo. We got a walk to take.”
“U-Um…?” Fluttershy said softly.
I looked at her, but Applejack was already walking toward the door. “Yes, Fluttershy?”
“Wh-What about-”
“Jay, are ya comin’?” Applejack asked, looking back from the door.
“Talking to Fluttershy.” I replied before looking back to the pink-haired woman. “You were saying, Flutters?”
“... Y-You said you wanted to claim me too…” She murmured.
“Am I allowed to do that? Should I ask Twilight and Applejack if it’s okay first?” I questioned.
“W-Well…” Fluttershy wouldn’t meet my eyes and looked at the ground.
I walked around the counter and took her hands in mine for a bit. “Hey, ya ain’t gotta answer now. I know it’s kind of a bombshell, but I’d like to be able to call you more than a friend.”
When she didn’t answer, I felt the desire to hold her chin still so I could kiss her cheek. I let her go and gave her a gentle smile, but she grabbed my hand as I went out walk away and asked, “... D-Do you think I’m pretty?”
I gave her an incredulous look and she nearly broke down into tears before I said, “What the fuck kinda question is that? If I had a little less self restraint, and I mean like, you scrape a little bit off and it’s over, I would be tryna lick the back of your throat. On Max, forreal, like, I find you highly desirable.”
The room was pin-drop silent for a minute, so I asked, “What? Was the switch in vernacular weird?”
“... Ain’t no one bein’ mean here, and I really do mean that I’m just bein’ honest, but Fluttershy usually doesn’t catch a second look.” Applejack said slowly.
I gave her my most fucked up look that I could conjure because Fluttershy was seriously a straight nine point fucking nine repeating. If she had dark blue eyes, she’d be a perfect ten. “... Are you- Bitch, the fuck? Yo, no offense to y’all, Twilight, AJ, but Fluttershy caught me an’ Ty first. We was about to fist-fight over her since bitch that bad, like, bruh. How do y’all not see this!?” I gestured towards the beauty that was Fluttershy.
Applejack looked at me like I was crazy, but Fluttershy tapped my shoulder, a watery smile on her face. “Do… Do you really m-mean that?”
I snapped and located Twilight. “Ay, this is like, the one time Imma be cool with a truth spell. Like, put that shit on passive mode and let me ramble for a sec, aight?”
Twilight gave me an odd look before snapping her fingers. “Done, I guess.”
I looked at Fluttershy. “When I left Earth, your figure and body-type were considered the pinnacle of what womanly beauty was, though the dogs who like women who don’t know how to eat would say you’re not thin enough. Me?” I put my hands on her hips and gave her a warm smile. “I don’t feel like I have to worry about you starving yourself to make someone else happy, or that you’re more concerned with being what other people consider beautiful rather than what beauty means to you.”
“Ya don’t like your women with muscle?” Applejack asked incredulously. “I thought that was the one thing you had in common with Arcadian guys!”
I gave her a funny look. “I appreciate the hard work and dedication it takes to get a physique like yours, but Fluttershy is supple, yet firm. Soft and slightly pliable, but she still has the muscle underneath to get the job done. Her physique is perfect for snuggling.”
“I thought I was your cuddle buddy!?” Twilight cried.
“You are my cuddle buddy. Cuddles and snuggles are entirely different things.” I sniffed haughtily.
“How’s that?” Applejack asked, forgetting about our walk.
“Cuddles includes just being close. You don’t even have to be touching each other that much to be cuddling. When you cuddle, you can read and other stuff like that, but when you snuggle, your attention is on snuggling. Cuddling can turn into snuggling when gentle petting and stuff like that gets introduced, but then it usually turns to sex in my experience.” I lectured.
“Eep!” Fluttershy squeaked adorably.
Twilight blushed. “So I’m not allowed to have snuggles?”
“Oh, you’d be hard pressed to not get snuggles. You might be my cuddle buddy, but snuggles are never off limits.” I replied.
“So what am I?” Applejack asked, amused.
“The first wife that keeps my head out of my ass.” I said wryly.
She accepted it readily. “Yeah, that’s perfect. I like it.”
“I was being sarcastic, but okay.”
“I’d keep your sarcasm to a minimum if ya ever want some from me.” Applejack warned.
I pointed at Twilight. “Granny might cook better than Spike, but her house has books.”
“... Ya really just ain’t that into sex, are ya?”
Twilight giggled. “Maybe not with you.”
Applejack raised her brows and gave me a surprised look. “Well, well, well.”
I nodded. “She was dropping hints about it for awhile, so I figured that she wanted it.”
“... Ya shouldn’t have said that.” Applejack sighed.
I looked at Twilight and her face was flat, her arms crossed. “What do you mean by that, Jay?”
I tilted my head at her. “I don’t get much pleasure from sex, but I hoped that you would. I thought it would be a good way to bond with you.”
Applejack blinked rapidly, so I looked back to Twilight to find that she was smiling and that I wasn’t about to die. “Aww, that’s really sweet, but if you don’t like having intercourse, then I can live without it.”
“But why would you? I do enjoy it, just not as much as most people. I have a feeling that I would miss it a little less than you would.”
“It was pretty good.” Twilight sighed, smiling.
“Go take a cold shower.” Applejack said tersely.
Twilight blinked. “I should have the house to myself…”
“C-Can I t-talk to Jay some more?” Fluttershy asked softly, reaching for my hand.
I let her have it and met her halfway. “What’s on your mind, Fluttercup?”
She cracked a small smile. “... You don’t think I’m fat?”
I made her let go of my hand so I could pick her up and put her back down. She had to be about a hundred and eighty or so pounds, but I couldn’t pin it down beyond that rough estimate. “I might not be able to wing you around like I can Twilight, but I’m sure I could take you with me wherever I wanted to go.”
She giggled some more at that and I heard Twilight and Applejack start whispering as Fluttershy brushed her hair out of her face. “Y-You’re pretty strong for a guy…”
“I’d say I’m above average back on Earth, but that’s because Ty made me go to the gym with him regularly. He never had to do cardio, so I ended up getting bulky and chubby.” I chuckled.
Fluttershy frowned and place her hands on my stomach. “You’re not chubby, you’ve just got a little extra warmth for winter!”
I let my hands rest on her shoulders since contact seemed to be a good way to get her to ease up. “Well, if you let me claim you, then I can trim that little bit of blubber off and just hold you close to keep warm.”
She gave me a bashful smile. “I-I could make cocoa too…”
“I’ll bring the marshmallows and chocolate if you actually make the cocoa.”
“I-I’d like that…” She looked down.
I tilted her chin upwards and gave her a kiss since I’d wanted to do it since I’d met her. I kept it brief, but I let my lips linger on her for just a moment longer than necessary. I can still remember the taste of her raspberry lip gloss and the slight scent of Kahlua, though I thought I might have been having a stroke. “I like you. I look forward to getting to know you better, Flutters.”
She swooned and I caught before she could fall, but when I looked at Applejack and Twilight for help, they were both just looking at me like I’d slipped lemons in their oranges. I lowered Fluttershy to the floor and propped her up against my chest while I was kneeling since hardwood floors suck. “... Can a brother get a hand over here?”
“Give her a minute.” Twilight said, her voice unreadable.
I gave her a minute and Fluttershy stirred. “Oh my… I just had the craziest dream.”
“Did it involve getting kissed?” I asked casually.
Fluttershy turned in my arms and placed her hand on my knee. When our eyes met, she gave me a wide smile unlike every other one I’d gotten from her and I couldn't help but notice that her canine teeth looked awful sharp. I looked back into her eyes and the red irises made me wonder why I kept picking dangerous women to try and put my dick inside of. Like, I passed up on Strats, who seemed normal, and Belle was pleasant, but then again, all three of the women in the room had fucking seemed normal before I got with them.
“... Hey there, Flutters.” I said, trying not to let my anxiety show.
“Oh, hello, Lover Boy.” She purred. “Give Momma another one of those kisses, will you?”
I glanced at Applejack and Twilight, but they were just watching on passively like it didn’t affect them in the slightest. They knew exactly what was going on and were trying to see how I would handle it. I shrugged and gave Fluttershy her kiss, intending on giving it a few seconds before pulling away, but Fluttershy caught me as I tried to pull back and increased the fervor behind her end of the kiss. I let her go on for a little while longer before I tried to pull away again, but Fluttershy held firm. That worried me a bit, so I tried gently pushing her away and she sighed into my mouth before finally letting me go.
She gave me a frustrated look. “Let a girl enjoy a kiss, will you.”
I was panting slightly. “Gotta breathe sometime.”
Fluttershy smiled again and licked one of her fangs, but Applejack stepped in and put a hand on her shoulder. “He gets it, Shy.”
“I don’t think he does. I think he’s trying to swallow his fear.” Fluttershy chuckled.
“Vampire. Definitely just claimed a Vampire.” I muttered.
The red-eyed woman gave me a smirk as she stood. “It’s not too late to back out.”
I stayed on the ground. “Yeah, it’s not.”
No one said anything for a moment as I stared intently at Fluttershy until she extended a helping hand. I took it and got up under my own power, but I wanted her to know that I wasn’t that afraid of her. Should I have been? Yes. Was I? Nah. Twilight was way scarier. “I’m guessing that’s your way of saying that you’re in for the pound.” She said, amused.
“Fool me one time, shame on you. Fool me two times, shame on me. Fool me three times, fuck the peace signs. Y’all dangerous. All three a’ y’all hella more dangerous than I am individually, so what am I supposed to do? If I tell y’all to go packin’, I might be losin’ out on three of the best women Arcadia as to offer. If I don’t, I might end up dead.” I chuckled as I rubbed my forehead.
“Pretty much.” Fluttershy confirmed. “I wouldn’t worry about how dangerous we are, though. Keep me fed up with kisses and I’ll be happy.”
“Come around and do somethin’ and we’ll have a good time.” Applejack added.
“I just wanna read and snuggle.” Twilight said happily.
“Right. That’s cool. So what should I avoid doing?”
“Adding more women to your harem.” The three of them chorused.
“So don’t sleep around. Not hard.” I said.
“I’d avoid gettin’ too close to anyone too ‘friendly’.” Applejack advised. “They might not be there the next time you go lookin’ for ‘em.”
“Okay. Anything else?”
“If I were you, I’d avoid pissing Flutters off. I’m bad enough, but Flutters is a whole ‘nother beast.” Fluttershy said, confusing the shit out of me.
“What?” I asked eloquently.
“I’m Shy. Fluttershy’s Vampire persona, I guess.” She said lazily.
“Alright, that’s weird but cool. If I have sex with you, does Flutters feel it?”
“Yup. She didn’t have the courage to take her cherry, so you’re gonna have to do it.” Shy smirked.
I winced. “I’ve never been with a virgin.”
Applejack coughed. “Well, technically Twilight was a virgin too, she just popped her cherry with me and some of our other friends.”
“That sounds like the hottest circle I wouldn’t want to be a part of.” I said loftily.
“Well it fuckin’ hurt, so yeah.” Applejack said drily. “Main reason I’m not excited to try a man.”
I tilted my head at her. “What did you do, just ram the thing in?”
“... Was I not supposed to?”
I gave her a fucked up look. “Who told you that you were supposed to? You’ve gotta give yourself time to get warmed up, like, get wet. Did you even lubricate whatever the thing was?”
Applejack stared at me. “You’re way over my head here, Sugar.”
I looked at Twilight and Fluttershy. “Please don’t tell me that you two were under the same impression she was.”
Twilight tugged at her collar. “Well…”
“Flutters keeps it to the weird little nub thing because-” Shy stopped mid-sentence, closing her eyes tightly before opening them to reveal that nice moderate cyan. “I-Ignore that!”
“We’re ignoring that, but do y’all actually get off when it’s time to take care of or desires? Like, you know how to make yourself orgasm, right?” I asked.
Fluttershy lifted her hand slightly and put it down without a word. “Alright, so Imma learn y’all how to get off and you’ll probably dump me, but at least I’ll be doing the world a service.”
“Why would we dump ya for doin’ us a favor?” Applejack asked, confused.
“Why would you need me and my meat when you have your own two hands?”
Twilight scoffed. “Trust me, you’re not getting rid of me that easily.”
Applejack just shook her head. “Ya laude me for bein’ loyal, then turn around and say that I’m only with ya for your pecker. Make up your mind.”
“Maybe you’re loyal to my pecker?” I teased.
She gave me a look. “Are ya done extendin’ the conversation?”
“I guess, but isn’t that how conversations are supposed to go?”
“We were supposed to take a walk forever and a half ago.” Applejack reminded.
“Ah, yeah. Forgot about that.” I said, rubbing my face.
She rolled her eyes and exited the store, so I gave Twilight and Fluttershy some kisses before joining her outside. Applejack didn’t say anything as we started walking, and when I asked about why we were going on a walk, she didn’t say anything until we actually got out of town. “Alright, Sugar. Are ya listenin’?”
“You’ve got my full attention, AJ.” I replied readily.
She nodded as we started heading down the dirt road to the farm. “You already know that you’re in some deep shit right now, right?”
“Neck deep sounds like a trip at the spa right now.” I said ruefully.
“Exactly. Now, I can protect ya, Jameson. Twilight always listens to me, and Fluttershy knows that Shy ain’t tough enough to take me, so I’ll watch over ya, but I need ya to watch your words around Twilight. I don’t know how ya managed, but I’ve seen her give people looks like the ones she was givin’ you before and they didn’t make it. They died real ugly, Jay, and I don’t think ya deserve that.”
“I can keep Twilight’s head on, but I don’t know how much longer that’s gonna last, AJ. Things that are common from my world are offensive here, and things that would get a sucker socked seem substantially less severe. I only know that I’ve fucked up when I see it in her eyes or hear it in her voice.”
“... You lasted a whole day a’ gettin’ looks like those and she didn’t hurt you?” Applejack asked breathlessly.
“She Pinkie Promised that she wouldn’t hurt me. Kidnapping is a possibility, but hurting is somethin' she swore against… That does mean somethin', right?”
She chuckled and clapped me on the shoulder. “It means that ya’ve got a fightin’ chance now, Jay. Ya done shoveled the shit and found a nugget of gold.”
I breathed a sigh of relief. “Alright, so Twilight not going to kill me, but I think she might go after Ty.”
“I don’t wanna protect that guy to be honest with ya. Mac likes him plenty, but somethin’ about Ty rubs me the wrong way.” Applejack muttered.
“Is the fact that after the first day, he didn’t really say anything to you?”
“... Well, yeah, that’s a part of it.” She confessed.
“Applejack, Ty’s keeping his distance from you so you don’t fall for him and ruin what we have. It’s happened to us before. I find a nice girl who seems like she’ll be a good woman, then she turns out to have been gunning for Ty the whole time. Rinse and repeat a few times and I stop dating for a year and some change.”
Applejack seemed confused. “I done told ya that this was a Femajority town, Jay.”
“... And?” I asked, not getting her point.
“One woman can’t claim two guys. If it actually sticks, that woman’s gettin’ jumped and probably shaved. I might be a bit of a special case on that one, but that’s besides the point. I’d rather be with you than with your womanizin’ brother any day, Jay.”
I gave her a sad smile. “I believe you, but I’ve heard it before. Believed it before, too. Comin’ from you, though… Kinda makes it mean more than having it come from someone else, y’know?”
“Is it the honesty thing?” Applejack asked, Sweet Apple Acres coming into sight.
“Nah, it’s more like you’re just dependable. Like, I feel like I can come to you with anything and you’ll snatch it out of my hands so you can take care of it yourself.” I chuckled.
“You make that sound like a bad thing.” She huffed playfully.
I dropped the chuckle. “It is. If I come to you with a problem, I want your assistance, not for you to handle business while I sit back and do a whole lotta nothin’.”
“Nope, definitely not Arcadian.” Applejack looked at me, so I looked at her and saw that she was giving me a warm smile. “Ya know, you’re a weird one. Most guys woulda pounced at joinin’ the Apple Family, especially since it’s me who’s up for grabs. Havin’ the next-in-line be the provider is a special place to be holdin’, but you probably intend on makin’ somethin’ out of that little shop, don’t you?”
“Yeah. Applejack, you know why I’m with you, but why are you with me? What do you get out of bein' with me?” I asked.
She looked ahead and snorted. “So far? All I’m gettin’ is a headache from dealin’ with the bullshit you keep invitin’ onto yourself.”
I gave her a look. “And look who asked me to be Deputy.”
AJ scoffed. “Please. You’ll be a Deputy by name only until I need your help with gettin’ info out of someone the old fashioned way.”
I took my glasses off and rubbed my eyes. “Fuckin’ butts, never thought I’d be on this side of the law. Man, Ty’s gonna flip when he gets back.”
“Ya don’t gotta tell him, but while we’re on the topics of things tell Ty, tell ’im to move into your new place. That boy got some stinky feet.” She made a face.
“I fuckin’ know, Applejack. I’ve dealt with it for the past thirteen years.” I grumbled.
“... Look, Jay-”
“Don’t waste your breath.” I advised.
“He’s gonna get ya into more trouble. He ain’t even a bad apple, Jay, he's just… He doesn't think about the consequences, and who knows what they'll be like next time.”
“I just gotta keep a cool head next time. I got sloppy ‘cause I was scared, but I’ve officially got some of the scariest, finest, women around to have my back. Now I just gotta get Ty to play nice after I explain the situation to him.” We passed the entrance and strolled on down the path for a while silently.
When we got to the farmhouse, I tried to open the door for Applejack, but she put a hand on my chest and gently pushed me away with a look of irritation on her face. She opened the door for me and I gave her a look. “I was closer.”
“I’m the woman. Now walk, Buster.”
“Bust dat ass, keep this shit up.” I grunted, walking through the graciously offered
opening.
“If ya wanna wrestle, we can wrestle. I betcha I win.” Applejack said confidently.
I stopped mid-step and turned with my head first, then with my torso. “You tryna go,
Blondie?”
Applejack raised her brows. “Blondie? Oh Sugar, get that rear out here. We’re takin’ this to the grass.”
I swiveled my hips and gave her a kiss on the forehead as I passed her on the way back out. “I’m about to wreck you so bad, Granny’s gonna have to let you sleep in her bed tonight.”
“I’m about to hand your ass to ya, Jay. Ten time wrestlin’ champ at the Tri-County fair.” She boasted.
I smirked at her. “Three year running division champ in High School and current top seed in my division at Forrester.”
Applejack laughed at me. “Sugar, I topped dozens of-”
I cracked the fuck up. “Dozens? Blondie, Daddy’s stepped on hundreds.”
“What the fuck.” Applejack said, stopping abruptly.
I stopped with her. “Yeah, hundreds of hopefuls try and get into the championship meets. I don’t beat them all individually, but I beat the guys who beat those guys.”
She just gave me a confused look. “How many people are there in your town?”
“Little under two hundred thousand-”
“What!?” Applejack shouted. “Jay, there ain’t that many people in the next five towns put together!”
I nodded. “Yeah, I had a feeling that the population was smaller since Magiville is so small, but has such a decent array of crap in the market.”
Applejack took her hat off and ran her hand through her hair. “How many people were in your country again?”
“‘Bout three hundred million, give or take twenty on the high side.”
Her jaw dropped. “... Damn. That’s… That’s a lotta people.” She said numbly.
“Yup. All different kinds too, but we were about to wrestle, right? You were about to get whooped by a Medeis?”
Applejack shook her head and dropped into a crouch. “Fine. Ya wanna get laid out, come get laid out.”
I charged her without further ado, but instead of shooting for a double leg takedown, I took advantage of her wide stance and went for a slide. She (predictably) closed her legs to try and catch me, but while she was try to get her knees in position, I slammed my hands into the backs of them and made her crumple. Like I’d done during in one of my debut tourneys, I followed up by sitting up. With Applejack on my legs and she herself trying to scramble to her feet, I grabbed her right ankle and threw it over my head so I had both of her legs under one arm. I had a feeling that putting her in a Boston Crab or something like that would end poorly, so I rolled us over and sat on Applejack’s butt for a second to keep her down while I thought of how to pin her.
Then she did a push-up that forced me to my feet.
Applejack swept my right foot out from underneath me, so I hopped with my left foot to get away from her and get my balance back. She got up and beckoned me closer, taunting me with a certain finger, so I closed the distance, but she sprung like a trap and bear-hugged me. I felt my back pop multiple times, heard the air be forced out of my lungs, and saw the black spots that accompany suffocation. My captor dropped me unceremoniously and straddled me, putting her knees on my shoulders to stop me from getting back up.
“Almost made me get serious there for sec. Good job, Sugar.” Applejack patted my cheek patronizingly.
“We’re doing-” I breathed. “Anal first.”
“I dunno what that is.” Applejack said disinterestedly.
“You will.” I panted.
“...You still out of breath?” She asked after a few moments.
“Sitting on my chest.” I wheezed.
“Oh.” She hopped off and I got my first lungful of sweet, sweet oxygen, and it tasted so good. “Guess I coulda got off after the three count.”
I gave her a look. “I’m stealing your panties and putting them on windows all over town. Every skidmark: out there for the world to see.”
Applejack coloured. “I don’t leave skidmarks!”
“You’re a shitty liar.” I punned, making the desire to shoot myself grow.
She got back on top of me, but she sat on my hips this time and pinned my arms over my head. I let her do it because why not? “You know I’m tellin’ the truth!”
“I know nussing.” I memed. The classics always had the best ring to them.
Applejack licked my face, which was gross. “I’ll keep lickin’ until ya admit it!”
“Fine, fine. Let me check the ones you’re wearing.” I teased.
She licked my nose next and that was super gross. “Gotta go into my room anyway to get your stuff. Oh yeah, you know that knife a’ yours is haunted ta Tartarus, right?”
“Only reason I didn’t come back and get it yesterday was because Twilight said you’d be safe with it.”
Applejack let me up and even gave me a hoist. “Woulda gone bad for ya, specially comin’ in alone.”
“I sneak better than I fight to be honest with you. I usually end up fighting, but it’s not always the case.”
“If that's the case, then ya ain’t that good at sneakin’.” Applejack replied, keeping ahold of my hand as we started back toward the farmhouse.
“Who do you think I sneak with?” I asked blandly.
“Point taken. Seriously, how has that boy not gotten you killed yet?”
“Come close to it a few times, but we either talk it out or walk it out. We made it out of a few scraps with recruits tryna make a name for themselves by fuckin’ ‘em up bad enough to make ‘em think twice about comin’ back, but that’s not what we wanted. Ty and I really just wanna be left to our business. He wants to chase tail with no strings attached and I just wanna live comfortably.”
“Between me an’ Twilight, ya won’t have ta worry for bits any time soon, but it’s not like Fluttershy doesn’t come from a little bit a’ money too.”
“It’s weird that you three hang out. It’s just odd.” I commented.
“We’re the three most normal ones if you take it at face value.” Applejack scoffed. “The other three are the ones ya gotta worry about.”
“What are there names? Just in case I run into ‘em.”
“Well, I know ya met Rarity, ‘cause she went on and on about how odd ya were. Rainbow Dash-”
“Is about to get her shit split.” I cut in aloofly.
“Figured Ty might have beef with her, but why you?”
“She disrespected the fuck out of me, called me a mutt to my face, and tried to pick a fight in the first place until Twilight told her to back off.” I rattled off.
“That’s Rainbow for ya. She gets an STD from a guy we all told her to avoid and she acts like every man on Arkaid is poison.” Applejack sighed.
“She abouta get handled.”
“If she beats you up. I gotta go back and kick her ass, so don’t start shit, Jay. Just don’t.” I gave her a look and she said, “Alright, so if Rainbow comes at ya verbally, just ignore it. If she comes at ya physically, just try to do it somewhere public so people can help ya if she starts gettin’ the best of ya.”
“Can I not just stab her in the side and call it quits?”
“No, she’ll grab ya, fly ya up above the clouds, then drop ya inta water. Trust me, it don’t matter how good you dive; you’re not gonna make it.”
“I can stab pretty quick.” I said causally.
“Don’t stab my sexist friend.”
“Tell her that one of us will fuck her up if she keeps trying to start shit.”
Applejack opened a door in a hall, so I assumed it was her room. I walked in and it was pretty fucking pink. I mean, it was really fucking pink. And frilly. There was lace on everything. “... Holy shit, what is this?” I asked, awed.
She blushed. “What?”
“It’s just… Ya kinda strike me as a red or an orange kinda girl. Maybe a warm, rich yellow, but… Pink?”
“I like pink.” Applejack muttered, embarrassed.
“Evidently. What’s up with the lace?” I asked casually. “Is it just because it looks nice? Helps give the place a more feminine feel to it, I’ll say.”
“... Are ya makin’ fun of me?” Applejack asked, her voice surprisingly vulnerable.
“No, if I was making fun of you, I’d ask which drawer is where you keep all your spy-shot nudes of Mac.”
She choked on that one. “What’s with people and thinkin’ I sleep with my brother!? That shit’s weird!”
“That’s why people think you do it. You’re weird.” I wrapped it up in a nice little bow for her.
“You’re one to talk.” AJ scoffed.
“You’re the one datin’ an alien.” I pointed out.
“You’re the one datin’ three of ‘em!”
“No, I’m the alien. You ladies are the natives, thus you can’t be aliens. Sorry you’re not as cool as me.”
“Heavens above, you sound like Rainbow.” Applejack sighed before heading over to one of her dressers. One drawer had a weird metal circle next to the handle, and when Applejack pressed her finger against it, I figured it was some kind of magical fingerprint scanner.
She pulled out my gun and my knife, but before she gave them back, she set them on her dresser and grabbed a book that was nearby and held it out to me. “You’re gonna need to put or right hand on the book.”
I did as she asked. “Okay.”
“Alright, now repeat after me: I, insert name here, offer my sword and shield to Arcadia when she calls, my time when she asks, and my life if need be.” I repeated after her and said my name in place of the thing. “I hereby pledge to uphold the laws of Arcadia through the authority of the Four Princesses, to guard her citizens from peril, and to guard the lives of my… Brethren? Brethren. To guard the lives of my brethren in active duty and on leave. So help me Celestia, should I break these vows, may Tartarus await me.” I repeated the second bit and she gave me my shit back.
“Now that wasn’t so-” Applejack started.
I blew a hole in her floor.
She stopped flinching. “Jay. What. The. Fuck!?”
“It’s only fair.” I gave her a smile.
“You- You- My floor! You asshole!” Applejack seethed.
“If ya woulda just-” She slapped my shit. “Mmm, tastes like pain.” She got me again, but with the heel of her hand this time, so my face snapped to the side and the world got a little darker for a sec. “Ow.”
“Jameson Underwood!” She shouted. “You complete asshat!”
Her voice was muffled in my ears like I had memory foam crammed into the canals. I wobbled, staggering to get my feet underneath me while my world started spinning, and I couldn’t really form a sentence since she’d just smacked the taste out of mouth. “Uh…”
I was trying to clear my eyes when Applejack sat me down on her bed. “Alright, that mighta been bad aim, but I’m still upset with you Jay. How are ya gonna fix my floor?”
I closed my eyes and tried to come up with a response. “Wood in shop. Cut down. Sand down. Stain. Remove old board, replace with new. Nail down.”
“Oh. Little literal, Lover-Boy, but I can deal with it. Is that why ya put the hole in the one plank?”
“Yup.”
“Smart, but I’m still pissed about ya up an-”
Applejack’s door flung open and Granny came in with a big-ass skillet. “What’s all that racket!? Bangin’ ain’t supposed to get that loud!”
“Granny! We wasn’t doin’ that, Jay was bein’ a butthead and messin’ up my floor.” Applejack said, her cheeks getting rosier as my vision started to clear up.
Granny glanced down and checked the floor for damage. “I don’t see no white stains.”
“Granny!” Applejack exclaimed.
“Well, what’d he do?” The elderly woman asked irritably. I blamed the fact that she was partially blind in one eye and was nearsighted anyway.
Applejack went to stand over by the hole. “He put a hole the size of my friggin’ thumb in my floor, talkin’ about some kinda fair.” She turned to glare at me.
“Didn’t he put a hole in Twilight’s floor too?”
“Well yeah, but he was mad at her!”
“You took my stuff.” I grumbled. “Ty’s my most precious person, but you took my most precious things.”
“Makes sense to me.” Granny lowered her hoisted skillet. “Girl, don’t be stealin’ stuff and
people won’t be puttin’ holes in places they ain’t got no place in bein’.”
“I confiscated his weapons; I didn’t steal ‘em!”
“Did he hurt anyone with ‘em?” Grann deadpanned.
“I tried. Twilight arrested Ty for being a slut and I shot her floor, but the next bullet was going in her direction.” I answered.
Granny rolled her eyes. “Unless Arcadian Law got somethin’ in its books about whatever thing ya keep usin’ to put holes in floors, I don’t believe no one can rightly take it from ya.”
“You just liked gettin’ people ta try ya back when you were Sheriff, ya crazy old bat.” Applejack scoffed. “I don’t know how close Jay needs to be to use that thing, but anywhere near me is too close.”
“I’ll say. That thing is loud.” Granny sent me a dark look. “Next time ya let that thing off, I’m hittin’ ya with the skillet.”
“Noted. Fear properly instilled.” I rubbed my aching cheek.
Granny narrowed her eyes at me before looking at Applejack. Her granddaughter wouldn’t meet her gaze, which apparently made her suspicious. “Jay, lemme ask ya somethin’.”
“Ask away.” I replied, trying to find the sorest spot on my jaw.
“Did Applejack hit ya when ya made that big ol’ bang?” Granny asked, her tone making me wish I was somewhere else. Seriously, Arkaid’s women are all terrifying. I’ve met the sketchiest of the sketchy, the craziest of the crazy, but these bitches… Bruh.
“... If I say something other than what you’re expecting to hear, which of us is getting hit with the skillet?” I asked cautiously.
“I’m expectin’ the truth, Jay. I know Applejack’ll tell me, but-”
“She didn’t do anything undeserved.” I answered.
“That ain’t a yes or a no, Sonny.”
“Probably gonna have to hit me with that skillet to get either one.” I said firmly.
Granny, a woman who’s probably calling septuagenarians whippersnappers, hefted a cast iron skillet that would have made a half-decent chestpiece like it was nothing. “Just ‘cause she gave ya a place ta stay doesn’t mean ya should be lettin’ her put her hands on ya.”
“You’re the one coming up with the crazy allegations. Maybe you’ve been dipping into the liquor cabinet while the kids are away?” I tried.
I didn’t need to see Granny’s eyes to know that she was an old she-bear at heart, just like Tough Cookie. However, Cookie was like a Grizzly that was getting old while Granny was a Kodiak that was already there. Both were dangerous in their own right, but it wasn’t hard to tell that Granny was the bigger threat. Hell, Applejack had said it multiple times. “Look here; I can’t do nothin’ if ya don’t say nothin’.”
“At the moment, there’s nothing to do anything about other than fixing a holey floor.” I replied cautiously.
Granny couldn’t really see me, but she still shook her head before giving her attention to Applejack. “Ya got a loyal one. Don’t waste that.”
“I won’t.” AJ responded quietly.
“Good. Ya know damn well that I ain’t about ta pass the Family down ta some husband beatin’ wretch.”
“It was a heat of the moment thing, Granny! It won’t happen again!”
Granny nodded. “Even if ya just gotta breed him and toss him, don’t be puttin’ your hands on men.”
“... Right. Yes Ma’am.” Applejack replied, shooting me an anxious look.
“So we’re just calling me a helpless victim and leaving it at that? It’s not like I’m just some random-”
“Shut up, Sonny. Women are talking.” Granny said dismissively.
My blood boiled, but I was looking at the woman holding the position Applejack was supposed to inherit. Apparently it was some shit worthy of being scared of, so I bit my tongue, but I was aware of the power I held in my right hand, even if no one else knew. Granny carried on with, “I saw y’all in the yard earlier. Ya got a damn good chance against just about any other woman in town ‘cept for the Deputies, Dash, Pinkie, and probably Mary, but Applejack let ya handle her for a little bit to see what ya would do.”
I scoffed. “Raw strength only goes so far. I’ll be sure to shore up my defenses as I go along.”
“... Jay, what’s your MR?” Granny asked.
“Uh… I think I’m a C-Rank.”
Applejack touched my arm. “I’m a triple A-Rank Mundusian, Jay. Unless ya dump your mana into one lucky shot, then it’s not gonna work out for ya.”
I smirked at her. “Terrans figured out how to make weapons that can kill millions in one go. I’m sure I can find something that can paralyze you long enough to clear your head between magic and the mundane.”
“What makes ya think anyone would let ya have somethin’ against ‘em?” Granny chuckled.
“Well, I can get both of you right now and there ain’t shit you could do about it. The only way you’ll get your revenge is if Twilight doesn’t decide that my devotion is worth more than your lives, which if you’ve seen her eyes when she looks at me, then you’ll know that it’s unlikely. I’m working with leverage here too, girls.” I replied calmly.
Applejack smirked at me. “Playin’ us against each other already?”
I held up a pinkie. “Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a knife in the round brown-eye that I won’t do that unless I feel like my life is at stake.”
AJ hooked my finger with hers. “I won’t make ya feel like ya have to if I can help it. I don’t want ya ta just be some Bull that stops by every now and again to see his calves, by the way. I dunno if I want ya ta be the one, but I’m gonna wait until ya fix my floor ta say much else about what I want from ya.”
“Well, I can either get to fixing your floor or we can grab a bottle of bourbon, head to Twilight’s, and see if we can try and get a personal visit out of Max.”
“Your Creator?”
“The Torch Bearer.” I corrected.
Granny scoffed. “Talkin’ ‘bout meetin’ the Creator. The boy’s tryin’ ta kill ya, Sugarcube.”
“Sugarcube?” I asked, the thing sounding familiar.
“Yeah, where do ya think AJ got ‘Sugar’ from? She just shortened my thing.” Granny grumbled light-heartedly like we hadn’t just been talking about my impending death, Applejack’s possible abusive streak, and my lack of fucks about killing people.
“I’d be upset if Applejack shortened my thing, but that’s because I like my thing where it is.” I said, nodding along like I was spouting wisdom.
The woman in question gave me a look. “Keep it up and I’ll start making fun of it.”
“Make fun of it and I’ll tell Twilight that you made him too sad for sex.” I countered.
“... They have feelings?” Applejack asked dubiously.
“Arkadite dongs don’t?” I asked in turn.
“No.” Applejack answered, glancing at my groin.
Granny chuckled. “Tell the little guy that Granny says goodbye for now, but not for long.” She gave me a disturbing smile and I felt my balls recede into my pelvis to hide in a bone cage. The old bear left though, so they started easing their way out.
Applejack patted my leg a couple times. “I’m just gonna say that he ain’t exactly little and leave it at that. Why do we need a bottle of bourbon again?”
“Well, it doesn’t have to be bourbon, but Maximus likes bourbon the best out of anything else. Some people say that using moonshine gets him to show up pretty much every time, but he comes pissed off and ready with consequences.” I scratched my head.
“Consequences like what?”
“I’ve heard of a few people getting bad acne for a year, spraining wrists and ankles, hitting their head exactly three times in every building they enter for a week at a time, and for the people that like to push him, it’s been reported that he started amputating shit. The worst thing was that this one couple, a twenty-something year old woman and a teenage boy were fucking around with a gallon of moonshine and sent it off to Max, live-streaming the whole thing so that thousands of people could watch it. I saw the video of them being turned to cinder.”
“... You mean your Creator killed people for givin’ him the wrong offering?”
“He put it in his book.” I shrugged. “You only send him moonshine at midnight if you’re looking for the easy way out. Fucking with that mercy option he offers pisses most of my people off, to be honest with you, so no one felt that sorry for them. I mean, the amount of alcohol you burn is pretty well aligned with how likely he is to show up, so burning a fucking gallon of moonshine guaranteed that they were gonna get his attention. I can’t say for sure if they knew that, but they shouldn’t have been fucking with a being that’s known for being morally gray.”
Applejack was quite pale by the time I finished. “... You wanna summon a guy that kills peopleover burnin’ the wrong kinda liquor?”
I blinked at her. “If he wanted us dead, we’d be dead, Applejack. The guy’s probably been waiting to hear from me since you opened Twilight’s closet.”
“I don’t want-”
“Ay, I ain’t gonna make you do anything. I just need like, a glass of bourbon. A shot gets his attention, but like I said, quantity matters. Quality too, but he’s cool with the cheap stuff.”
“... The highest bein’ in the world drinks rotgut?” She asked, doubt strewn throughout her voice.
“Ay, I got a couple of words out of him with some stuff that was barely flammable. Like the Maxronomicon says, the guy came from the streets, walked amongst man for twenty years as a mortal, then his life got hella complicated. Like, the Maxronomicon is a fuckin’ sick read. It’s set up like a journal, but at the end is The Edict, The Five Absolutes, and there’s always this page of scribbles in the back of the book that can’t be ripped out of any copy, no matter what.”
“... Sounds kinda scary.”
“It’s really not. Believe me when I say that TB isn’t a bad guy, he’s just overpowered and that kinda makes people nervous. He’s actually super nice.”
Applejack still didn’t seem sure, but we left the conversation there and she happened to have a flask shaped bottle of bourbon that she didn't mind parting with, and with that, we were on our way back to Twilight’s, despite her earlier hesitation. It wasn’t a very conversational walk to be straight with you, but I understood that Applejack was scared of meeting someone more powerful than Twilight, especially since I’d mentioned his level of tolerance for bullshit. I tried telling Applejack about some of the good things that Maximus did after he took over the universe, like how he cured most terminal diseases except for cancer. The reason he didn’t cure cancer is because multiple cures already existed and had since like, Y2K. He did announce that a lot of Big Pharma decision maker types were taking an extended trip to Hell, so I found that awesome, along with the majority of the planet. The videos of stocks dropping like rocks went viral after a few hours of being posted and most medications could be bought for less than twenty dollars depending on how many pills were in your script. Hell, my Valium went from three hundred a script to less than ten, and after I switched to the generic stuff, I could afford it while going to college and only slinging on a casual basis.
I wrote all of that down because I talked to Applejack about it, but it didn't do her any good since she was still wary by the time we got to Twilight’s. Upon getting there, or rather, upon arrival because it sounds better and I can’t erase ink without the Sliquid Pen I made, Spike answered the door and welcomed us in. Twilight was already in the basement, but I asked Spike if he knew what she was doing just in case we were interrupting something and he said that he’d go check if I wanted him to. Shit wasn’t necessary, so I just had him come down with Applejack and myself. As it turned out, Twilight was just trying to figure out how to make something bitter yet non-toxic so she could use it to prevent children from eating paint chips or some shit. I didn’t pay much attention to her explanation, and I was kinda spaced out until she asked me why I came by.
With her question in the air, I replied because that’s what you do to communicate with things most of the time. “Ah, I stopped by to summon the guy who runs the universe. Figured I might as well do it here since Applejack’s a scaredy cat.”
Twilight gave me an odd look. “Is this an experiment or something?”
“Well, I guess you could call it that. We’re checking to see if TB comes around these parts.” I said.
“... If he’s as powerful as you say he is, then he’s omnipotent, right?” Twilight asked reasonably.
“Yup. Knows everything he wants to know and most of the stuff he doesn’t. He bitches about it in the Maxronomicon, and I say he bitches about it because he admitted that he was bitching.”
“Right. Okay. So if he’s omnipotent, then why doesn’t he just come and say hi to prove that he’s watching?” Twilight said, her rebuttal easy to pierce.
“Dude gets googols upon googols of prayers at any given second, Twilight. He’ll answer the call if you give him a reason to come, but it’s not like he’s obligated to do a damned thing. This might work, it might not. I’ve heard from him a couple times, but it’s not like he’s trying to hold a conversation, so I’m just trying to see if he’s setting me up for a trial or if he’s giving me a second chance.”
Twilight stared at me for a moment before shrugging. “Okay. How do we get him here?”
I held up the little bottle. “Got something to burn this in?”
She raised a brow and teleported a glass bowl into her hands before leading me over to one of her four work tables. After pouring the offering in the bowl, I got my lighter and set it on fire, burning most of the hair on my hand and forearm off while I was at it. “Shit! Ah fuck, whatever.” I grumbled. “Better just get it over with.” I shook myself and got ready for the verse. “Maximus! My cock is much bigger than yours!”
Twilight, Applejack, and Spike stared at me like I'd lost my dick flippering shit until someone said, “My cock can walk right through the door! Jameson Maxwell Underwood, son of Betty Jean Underwood and some fuckhead!”
All four of us searched for the voice, but it seemed to be coming from nowhere. “Yo, ‘sup TB?” I said casually, trying not to show too much obeisance so I wouldn’t irritate him.
A bright flash of light blinded me out of fucking nowhere, but when I opened my eyes, it was like nothing had happened except for the advent of some white dude. He was about my height, maybe a little taller if you shaved my head or got my hair out of the way, and his eyes were dichromatic, the left green and the right blue. He strolled up to me and stopped a couple of feet away to let me have my distance, but that didn’t stop me from being intimidated. The guy was cut up like a Thanksgiving turkey or a fucking Christmas ham; either fucking one. The definition in his musculature put Ty’s years in the gym to shame, but his face was just unfair. The dude mixed pretty boy with dashing rogue and got a fucking heartthrob, but when you’re God, I guess you get to take certain liberties. From the sharp angle of his jaw to the slight bend in his nose that made it look like it’d been broken and hadn't healed correctly, it was like looking at a panty-dropping machine that could also break faces on command, but what was even more interesting than the evident sculpting of Maximus was the depth to his eyes. His left eye had flecks of gold while his right eye had flecks of silver, but looking into both brought up memories of dirt I’d done with Ty over the years. I… I didn’t feel ashamed, per se, but Maximus knew who the fuck and what the fuck I was and am. The thing about it is that I saw earnest acceptance in his eyes, a certain kind of fatherly love that I’d craved for a long time but had never been able to find. As much as I wanted to keep him to myself so that I’d know he would always have my back, I somehow knew that the feeling was just due to his presence and my perception of it. It didn’t stop me from debating the value of the chocolatey half of my heritage, but dude only looked like he was like, thirty, if that. Even with the silver streak in his near-black hair, he put off an aura of everlasting youth that made my heart ache for him since I consider immortality a pretty shitty curse.
I don’t know how long I looked at Maximus, but he let me snap out of my awe on my own time. “... Uh, yo, like, I know I’m supposed to be all casual about this, but…”
He chuckled and it made me want to laugh along with him. “Most people bow or something like that, but I’ve gotta admit that a hug is pretty rare. Bring it in, Mate.”
TB gave me my hug and a smile, so I figured that I had the floor. “So… It’s… It’s real cool to meet you man, but I kinda have to ask why I’m here. Not tryna overstep or question your judgement-”
“Mate, bugger off with that bullshit.” He snorted. “I question my judgement sometimes. I’m not going to smite you for not thinking that my plan is the best one.” Maximus turned around and looked at our astounded audience before looking back to me and raising a brow. “Before we get to business, are you going to introduce me to your friends?”
“Uh, yeah, right.” I shook my head to clear it. “The pretty one with the cowboy hat is Applejack, my first girlfriend, the handsome young Drake is Spykoranu-something, but everyone calls him Spike, and the shorty but cutie is Twilight Sparkle, my second girlfriend.”
TB waved. “Wotcher. Name’s Maximus, but everyone who goes to Heaven calls me Max.”
“... Hi.” Spike said in a small voice.
Applejack and Twilight seemed too stricken to answer, so Max addressed Spike. “It’s nice to meet you, Spike. I’m sure your big sister will eventually get over the shock, but it might take a second or two.”
“What about Applejack?” I asked.
He looked at me and rolled his eyes. “She’s barely keeping her bladder in check. It happens with some people who get too used to being on top of their own little food chain.”
I summoned up every ounce of idiocy, bravery, and suicidal tendencies to say, “What about you, Mr. Max Almighty? Who’s saying that you haven’t got complacent?”
Max gave me a look that made me feel bad, but it’s not like he was upset at all. “I’m one of the youngest Capital G’s out there, Mate. I’m Aetherially weaker than a lot of Gods, but if you’ll let me brag for a sec…?”
I gave him the smile I always give Ty when he’s going on about an accomplishment. It’s not a bad thing, so don’t think I was dumb enough to patronize a guy who can think about me going to Smileton and send me there with no further effort. “I kinda wanna hear about what you have over the other Creators.”
He smiled. “I’m better in CQC than just any of the other humanoid Gods, most of the Sauroid ones, and a handful of the goopers.”
“I’m gonna need you to tell me what those things are, man.” I chuckled.
“Ah, right. The Sauroids are essentially biologically engineered races. Some are geared to be highly academic, physically acute, magically adept, or some combination of the three. Depending on where the Sauroid is from, you might have an easier time. It’s the non-magical ones you gotta worry about in combat though, since most of them don’t have the imagination to be effective with combat magic. Goopers are just goop. Slime. Globs of jelly, to be honest with you. Some are like putting your hand in a tube of toothpaste and others are like olive oil with more surface tension.”
“You’ve seen a lotta weird shit, haven't you?” I asked, half amused, half blown away that the Torch Bearer was still talking to me.
“You’ve got no idea, James.” He sighed. “Anyway, let’s get to business, yeah?”
“Sure thing. So what’s up with the whole ‘new world’ thing?”
“You needed another shot.” He said, checking his nails. “I mean, you were doing pretty well, but your dumbass brother kept you with a foot in the grave, so I figured I’d put you someplace where you could keep him away from more bad influences. I know it’s a bit shit to be ripped away from your lesbian mothers-”
I fuckin’ choked and ended up coughing hard as fuck as I asked, “Fuckin’ what!?”
Maximus was way too amused by my reaction. “What, you didn’t take a hint when Ty’s Mum stopped sleeping on the couch?”
“They were devout Christians when they were growing up!” I said in disbelief.
He rolled his eyes. “Are you really that worried about it?”
“Why didn’t they tell us!?”
“They thought you might be judgemental. Well, not you specifically, but they did worry that you would follow Ty’s lead like when he found out.”
A strange warmth spread through me, starting from my stomach. I’d felt the warmth before. “What’d he do?”
“Well, beyond calling them sick SpEds, not much. Still, now you know why he seemed less affectionate towards them.”
“Is it a sin if I hit him?” I asked, dead serious.
Max gave me a sad smile that made my bones ache and my blood feel frozen in my veins. “Your brother’s life is entirely in your hands, Jay. Whether he lives or dies, you’re not going to Hell for it, even if you kill him yourself. That young man owes you his life, his anal virginity, and his happiness all to you. I’ll never say that you should ask more of him than what you give in return, but in the grand sum, you’ve always given more than you’ve received with him.”
I stared at him. “... I already knew that Ty was my responsibility-”
“Jay, I had a brother.” Max said gently. “We weren’t related by blood, but the waters of the womb and blood of the covenant and all that rubbish. My brother, Maxwell, was like Ty. He’d fight for you, steal for you, but I could never get that guy to pull through for me on anything other than a job or a drink. He was one of the most loyal bastards out there, but once I became a Prince, he started asking for things from Equus. He eventually started asking for more than trinkets and tokens, and by the end of things, he just wanted it all for all the wrong reasons.”
“Yeah, okay that sucks, but Ty isn’t Maxwell-”
Max sucked some air through his teeth and looked away from me. “Well…”
“You gotta be fuckin’ me, dude.” I droned.
“Oi, I didn’t do shit!” Maximus objected heartily. “It’s not my fault that my predecessor thought that reusing souls so he wouldn’t have to make as many new ones was a good idea!”
“You’re God! Why don’t you fix that shit!?”
He gave me a look that shut me the fuck up, but it wasn’t even like he did much more than frown and furrow his brows a little. I could feel the prickle of irritation coming off of him and I wasn’t trying to get fucked up. “Don’t tell me how to do my bloody job, James. If I take the time to go fix the reincarnation system, then I can’t crop my black holes, adjust for constant expansion, or if I’m particularly unlucky, stop those fucking (He made a noise that didn’t make sense) from blowing half of their galaxy apart again. Like, do you know how much of a headache my job is, Jay? I can’t sleep. I don’t technically rest. This job fuckin’ sucks, and it’s really not hard to see why God used to cut all sorts of corners with the fucking mess he made.”
“... Right. Sorry, man. I guess I kinda thought that omnipotence comes naturally or something.”
Max shook his head. “Not quite. It literally drives you insane for thousands of years, you just have to pick a time to go insane.”
“... You get to choose?” I rubbed my face.
“Eeyup. It’s kind of like a switch.”
“Ah. So did you already do your stretch, or…?”
He scoffed. “Yeah, I served my time. It was a bitch in a blizzard, but it’s not that big of a deal.”
“Right, right…”
Maximus gave me a half smile and nudged my shoulder with his knuckle. “Oi, don’t worry about that. You’re not the next in line.”
“WOOOOOOOO!” I cried triumphantly. “Ha ha! Thank you!”
He gave me an amused look. “Glad to hear that my two quintillion years of misery brings joy to someone.”
I winced. “Ooh, sorry ‘bout that.”
“It’s cool, Mate.” He swept it aside. “Speaking things that are being brought to you, I figured I might as well leave you with a couple parting gifts. One is the replacement plank for the hole you put in Apple Bottom’s floor, and the other,” He cupped his hands together like he was holding water or a small animal, “is one of these.” Max spread his hands outward and the odd looking pistol from my Mana Mark appeared from thin air.
Max grabbed it while it was floating and handed it off to me. “God made me a Chosen and let me die and go to Hell before he gave me my first set of gifts, but then again, I was the guy that was supposed to be coming for the throne. I need you to not die at all so you can keep protecting Tyler, and I really don’t want you having my power.”
“Alright, why did you put Ty’s life in my hands? I’m not gonna mention how I’m kinda offended by the last bit since you committed genocide multiple times, but like, why tho?” I asked, running my hand through my hair.
TB conjured up a glass of some amber liquid and casually took a sip. I assumed it was bourbon. “Oi, I didn’t mean for Maxwell to get reincarnated, nor did I plan on making him your brother, but both of those things happened. I gave you dominion over Ty because he’s probably going to stab you in the back again.”
“Ty’s never stabbed me in the back.” I replied hotly, trying to keep my tone in check.
“Don’t lie to God. That’s a sin.”
“... Aight, so he’s made some selfish moves, but it ain’t like he up an’ robbed me or somethin’!”
“Second verse same as the first.”
“I woulda said yes anyway!”
“Third verse makes it worse.” Max droned.
“Bruh, fight me.”
“You’d get your arse handed to you on a platter made of a diamond the size of a large mesa or a small plateau.” He said kindly. “I know it sucks something fierce to hear, but Ty isn’t that good a guy, James. He’ll betray you in all the little ways and call you a fake or a fair-weather type when you call him out on the bullshit. In other words-”
“Ay, you still white.” I reminded.
God gave me an incredulous look. “Shut the fuck up you Medamn zebra. I’ll call whoever the fuck I want whatever the fuck I want, and our brother is a fuckin’ cuck.”
“Oh. I thought you were about to call him the N-word.”
“No, he is and was definitely one of those in both lives.” God said briskly. “I’ll be damned if you hear that degrading word come out of my mouth though.”
“Ty’s not one of them, man. He’s a respectable black person.” I seethed.
God gave me a look and I felt actually felt ashamed for saying that. “That’s an insult to your heritage, Jameson. You might not consider yourself your father’s child, but you claim your heritage all the same, and you can’t tell me that Ty is so much as a neutral mark on the map. He was dark grey when he was born vanilla and he’s still dark grey now that he’s chocolatey. What you really need to do is find him a good woman to cull the testosterone.”
We looked at Applejack and Twilight. “Bruh.”
A translucent, dark blue bubble enveloped us. “Mate, I’m sorry.”
“Why?” I asked softly.
“I just watch and nudge, Jay. Has your track record not been historically atrocious anyway?” Max asked, giving me an empathetic look.
“Not this bad!” I wailed. “I mean, they put up this nice-ass front most of the time, but I gotta watch my fuckin’ back with Twilight ‘cause she’s either gonna rape me, kidnap me, or forcibly jerk me off into a cup so she can self-inseminate until she has a clutch of Twilings to pin me down!”
Max smirked at me. “They have forty-eight chromosomes. You’re a different species, Jay.”
“Sweeet. I don’t have to worry about Ty being like our sperm donor.”
“He’s sterile anyway.” Max commented.
“It’s not like it matters now.” I shrugged. “What’s your advice on telling those two I can’t have kids with them?”
He fucking laughed at me. “Mate, are you fucking spastic? Don’t say a damned thing unless they ask, and if they do; you’re an alien. It’s not exactly like either of them should have gotten their hopes up.”
“... S’kinda cold, man.” I said cautiously
“Hope has no place in my realm.” He said bitterly, his lip curling. “Trust me, hope might keep you alive, but sometimes it’s just better to stay down.”
“... Dude, the Maxronomicon is full of miniature miracles. Even when you were a slave, you still had to have some hope, right?”
The brooding look on his face deepened into an intimidating scowl, and I was pretty glad that I’d chosen not to drink anything since breakfast, otherwise I might have pissed myself. Twilight might be scary, but Max is Eldritch. Twilight’s level of scary makes you want to run and hide, but the fear He instills freezes you, chokes you, swallows you up before you can think to run away. “Mate, I gave up after a couple years. I didn’t have hope; I had rage. I had despair. I had a throbbing, pitch-fucking-black heart made of hatred for Kali that drove me into super-sanity so deeply that I slaughtered plenty of innocent lowercase ‘G’s because of vindication for crimes they didn’t stop. You’ve read the book. In my experience, hope is often baseless. Don’t waste your time hoping and spend it preparing. Words from Cap G and me.”
“Just because you’re miserable-”
“Don’t get slapped.” He cut in. “The universe is a considerably better place now that I’m in charge, so don’t come after me for enjoying other people’s misery when it pops up. It’s a waste of your breath, my valuable time, and it’ll get you, yes, slapped.”
“Already been slapped today, so let’s not do that.”
“Exactly. Now, I’m irritated, so I’m going to go smoke some dank herb and stop wondering why I’m letting you have an above average wang instead of halving it.” Max gave me a smile.
I chuckled nervously. “Is that a hint not to summon you again?”
“Mate, as long as you don’t think you can chide me, we’re cool.” Max snapped his fingers and he disappeared along with his bubble.
I blinked a couple of times and tried to take a moment to examine the pistol he’d given me, but Twilight broke into my thoughts with, “Oh my Heavens, I’ve never… Oh dear.” Her eyes rolled up into the back of her head and I had to race over to catch her.
Spike looked at me for a long moment, shook head and said, “No. I don’t.”
I picked Twilight up and looked for a place to put her. “You don’t what?”
He was leaving as he said, “I was asking myself if I needed anymore of this hyper-magic crap.”
I watched him go and wondered if he thought about how I felt. It didn’t matter to me much longer since I needed a place to put Twilight. The chair we’d used for the ‘messing around’ was still present, so I put her in that while Applejack followed me. When I got Twilight to stay sitting up, AJ asked, “So… What was with the bubble after Maximus started talkin’ about Ty settlin’ down?”
“Don’t ask questions you don’t want answered.” I hoped that she would leave it alone.
Turns out Max was right. “Yeah, sure, ‘cept I want this one answered and the longer you go without answerin’ it the madder I’ll be.”
I steeled my gaze and sent a subpoena to the Court of Deez Nutz to get a little manly courage. “So what? If I don’t talk you’re gonna hit me?”
She flinched at that. “I- Jay, that ain’t fair!”
“Am I wrong?”
“Yes!”
“Prove it by letting it go. It was a man to man conversation between me and Max. If you have a heart to heart with him, feel free to keep it to yourself unless it worries you or somethin’.”
Applejack looked rather frustrated. “Can ya at least tell me if my name came up?”
“It didn’t, though I did ask him why he kept throwing dangerous women at me.” I replied.
“... So what’d he say to that?”
“Said he didn’t do anything. Said he doesn’t do a lot of things so he can keep the universe running. Or at least that’s what he implied.”
“... Jay, I’ve fought Discord. Had to go against him solo for a little while. That Maximus is way more stronger than Dizzy.”
“Did you- Did you just say ‘more stronger’?” I asked, baffled.
“Alright Egghead, back up and let’s go back to the fact that Discord could warp reality itself, and you’re sittin’ here tellin’ me that someone who makes that guy look like a fly’s wing compared to the Leviathan at the bottom the Sea of Shade just strolled on through to say hi?”
“How big’s the Leviathan?” I asked curiously, ignoring her question.
“Legend says it migrates overland from the Sea of Lost Souls, which is across Arcadia.”
“... And?”
“Tail to tip, either end doesn’t come out of the water at the same time.”
“Sounds about right, to be honest with you, if you mean that it’s long enough to span the country in a straight line.”
“Jay, why did you- You- Ya coulda gotten yourself not just killed, but erased!”
“Oh, he could have sent me to a place worse than Hell if I said the wrong shit. Got real close, too.”
“... What’s Hayal?”
“It’s Hell, and it’s a place where you can be torn limb from limb for eons, heal, get dunked in acid and fire, heal, be burned to the point where your bones are black, heal, and then die in whatever way you mighta killed someone in the past. I’m already going to Hell because there are a few sins I can’t repent for, but you go to Heaven once you’ve served your accumulated time anyway.”
“... How long do ya go to Hell?” Applejack asked fearfully.
“Depends on what you do in life and how bad you feel about doing bad shit. I make it a point not to be a thief, and if I ever rape someone it’s not because I had control of my body, but I’ve killed some dudes that weren’t poison-pushers or murderers themselves, but I know two of the kills I don’t regret were rapists and the one I take pride in was a pedophile.” I smirked and looked up. “Ay, if you send me to Hell for those, it’s cool.”
Took some time off for it, actually.
“Sweet.” I replied.
“Wait, did you just talk to Max again?” Applejack asked.
I answered, “Yup.” as Twilight groaned.
Purps touched her temples and started shaking gently. “So much mana…”
“Well, he probably created this planet, now that I think about it. Maximus’ Human name was Kaid, and this place Arkaid. Either he made it or some other Capital G did.” I looked around. “Care to confirm?”
First planet I ever made. I didn’t get that creative.
“Right, so did you guys hear that?” I asked.
Applejack shook her head while Twilight gave me a funny look. “Who are you talking to?”
“Right now I’m talking to you, but I was talking to Maximus. He says Arkaid was the first planet he ever made.”
“... So we just saw the Creator?” Twilight breathed. “We really just saw the Giver of Life?”
“Yup.” I answered elegantly.
Her eyelids fluttered for a few moments and I swear to Max, on both of my Mommas’ graves, that steam came out of her ears. She cocked her head to the side and the vapors wavered. “Does not compute. The Creator- He- It’s- She-” Twilight started leaning heavily to one side.
“I think what Twilight’s tryin’ ta say is that everyone kinda assumed that The Creator was a woman.” Applejack said, sexism shining through the numbness in her voice.
“Fun fact: God, the guy who came before Max? Often depicted as a male, but he apparently switched between the sexes.” I said drily.
“... So both a’ the Creators were pretty much guys?”
“If it makes you feel any better, Max’s world was my world.”
Applejack gave me a look. “Ya don’t gotta rub it in.”
I squinted at her. “I don’t understand how that’s bragging. I’m trying to tell you that the women of Arcadia are more like Max and Cap G than the men are.”
“Oh. That… That makes me feel like an asshole, to be honest with you.”
“Ay! You’re effectively calling me an asshole too!” I protested playfully.
She glared at me. “You are an asshole. You blew a damn hole in my floor for tryin’ ta do ya a favor!”
“Which you eventually realized wasn’t doing you any favors. Your favor could have gotten me some kind of fucked up, so you made the most out of the situation and bound me to magical oaths, yes I knew they were magic, and boosted your own social and political status at the same time. Just because I let you get away with shit doesn’t mean I’m stupid.” I said blandly.
“... Is that all ya really think it was?” Applejack asked quietly. “Jay, as a Deputy, I gotta take care a’ public safety. Takin’ a weird steel contraption that tears through wood like paper is a no-brainer, especially since you proved, by giving me that example, you were willin’ to use it ta at least threaten someone. The knife was a call I made because those rooms are bugged, Jay, and how was I about ta let ya take a knife with ya to meet the woman who made ya sad enough ta tell me ta consider suicide? And I been trying ta take over for Tough Cookie since she hit sixty-eight a couple years ago, but there ain’t a civilian willin’ ta be my second-in-command-”
“Wait, I’m your second?”
She nodded, her eyes full of sorrow and frustration. “It won’t affect ya any, Jay, I promise.”
“Why me, though? Why not look for an upstanding citizen in a close by town?”
“The closest town is still half a day’s walk, and there’s no accountin’ for rumors. Jay, I passed up a lotta people who wanted to be my first Deputy, but I picked you because ya seem capable and I thought ya trusted me!”
I tilted my head at her. “This isn’t about trust, because I do trust you. I’ve told you that I trust you before, and I don’t appear to be able to lie to you, so let me explain: I thought you were more heartless than- Well, I thought you had a heartless side and weren’t afraid to use me to further your own goals. I’m sure that side of you exists, but I doubt that I’ve seen it yet. The reason I trust you is because I’m valuable to you, and people don’t get rid of valuable things.”
Applejack swallowed hard, her fists balled up tight enough to make the whiteness of her knuckles stand out against her rich tan. “... Ya think I want ya for bits ya don’t got?”
I furrowed my brow, the synapses firing on safety for a second. “No, not money. I’m sure you have enough to not need any of whatever I manage to make, though you're welcome to ten percent of my earning for three months of your choosing. What I mean is that I am a man. I can give you romance and all the trouble that entails. I will learn the art of Artificing, so that’s Human Capital. I’m currently a decent mechanic and nonessential inventor, so that’s a bonus. I’m also handy with repairs, which will prove its worth the more I fix similar things-”
“Wait, are tellin’ me that you just found the fucking STUPIDEST way to tell me that I’m dating you for OBVIOUS SHIT!?” Applejack roared. I happened to see the tiger in her eyes, and it was bearing its teeth.
“... Deus ex machina?” I glanced at the weird pistol.
Deus machina broke. Might wanna exit
I backed away from Applejack as she stalked toward me, but I eventually ran into a wall that did not have a staircase on it, I just went slip slidin’ around the room since she evidently didn’t feel like she needed to hurry. It was kinda like watching country, female, blonde, hot Michael Myers. “I’m sorry for lacking-”
“Even if you make it across town, I’m going get you. Leave town and I’ll track you. Running is pointless. Hiding is pointless. Come here.” Applejack said levelly, enunciating like an OCD English teacher on Adderall and Vyvanse. It didn’t bode well.
“Can I apologize for-”
“You’ll be apologizing soon enough anyway.”
“... Don’t make me hurt you, Applejack. I know you’re upset-” I said, drawing my primary weapon. I’d only fired two shots in Arcadia, so I reckoned that I could spare one of my remaining thirteen to not die.
Her jaw dropped slightly and she licked her top lip, using it to wet the bottom one. “You’ve got one chance to put that down.”
“Applejack, you’re scaring me. I will-”
“I am not going to tell you twice.” She interrupted, gaining speed.
I crammed Max’s gift in my pocket and set up. Standard ‘Cup and Saucer’ is for chumps, so I just wasted a shitton of money on ammo to find the most accurate thing for me. Mucho reccomendo, it’s saved my ass. At least, being a good shot has. “Applejack, stop.”
She stood still to say, “Do it.”
“I rea~lly don’t feel like it.” I stressed the fuck out of that ‘really’.
Applejack started walking toward me again, but I hit another wall and my concentration was broken for a second. There had to be at least ten feet between us since Twilight’s basement had plenty of space and I hadn’t stopped moving when she did. She didn’t even need a fullMaxdamn second to close that. My head turned to the left when I made contact with the wall, but before I could even look in front of me, my hands were slammed up above my head, making me drop my gun as Applejack gripped my jaw with little to no concern about how I was feeling. It was pretty disrespectful, to be obvious.
“You need to understand that I am the woman in this relationship. You do not fuck up my floors. You do not fuck with my head. You do not fuck with my heart. Regardless of your intentions, your actions will result in me breaking your fingers until I feel like you get the point.” She took a moment to glare deep into my eyes. Apparently my own quiet fury pissed her off, but she had a spoonful of restraint left. “Am I understood?” She let go of my face long enough to press her thumb against my throat. Not hard enough to choke me entirely, but enough to make it difficult to breathe.
“Understood.” I said through my teeth.
She pressed harder and I couldn't breathe anymore. “We play by my rules now, budd-”
I spit in her face and mouthed “Go fuck yourself.”
Applejack’s expression remained fierce for a moment before it went blank. Then she grabbed my face and cocked back, letting my arms go as she prepared to slam my head into the wall. Nothing I did was good enough to break her crazy kung-fu grip, but I did hear Twilight say, “Applejack?” before my melon got cracked. With that, I was knocked the fuck out. Perfect place for a cliffhanger, right?