My Brother's Keeper

by Ringtael

Chapter Three: Husband vs Hoe-Man

I’ll pick up with my meeting with Strats, so let’s dive right in. When Ty and I left Sweet Apple Acres, he was bitching the moment we got out the door. “Nigga, do you know how fuckin’ borin’ and mind numbin’ it is to whack fucking trees all day? Like, the shit ain’t heavy in general, and it ain’t like, that hard to get a tree in one go, but it’s fuckin’, like, bruh.”

“Make a sentence with your Cro-Magnon ass.” I scoffed. “Either way, you know that this is basically just a setup, right? It’s lookin’ like good odds that you might get both of em’ tonight too, so keep a cool head and just be aware, aight? Scope out their reactions and probably ease up a little.”

Ty scratched his chin. “I know how the sensitive bitches be, bruh. These hoes just need some finesse though, right? It ain’t a slam dunk, more like an Alley-oop.”

“Basically. See how I do and try and do like that. Just like with the Robinson sister’s from Fifth.” I said, using ass to jog his memory.

He snapped an tapper my shoulder. “That’s why you the planner. What’s my chick supposed to be like?”

“We on the fly for that one. I say go twenty five charm, eighty five charisma.”

My brother gave me a funny look. “...That’s a hundred and ten percent, dipshit.”

I raised a brow. “Don’t you say you’ll always give a hundred and ten when it comes to getting laid?”

“... Fuck you, nigga. That was kinda clever.” He barked out a chuckle.

“Bruh, I’m always clever, you’re just too dumb to catch it to be honest with you. I be flyin’ kites on you with the shit that goes over your head, bruh.” I gave him a smarmy ass grin.

“Fuck off, you high-yellow house nigga.”

“Are you really tryna start shit?” I asked, dead serious.

“You already know I a’ take ya.”

I stopped walking. “Bet.”

Ty looked at me, stopped for a moment, then kept walking. I followed since he was heading in the direction that I needed to go anyway, but when we came to a fork in the road, he waited on me. “Ay.”

I gave him the up-nod. “Yo.”

“Took it too far. Wasn’t no hate behind it brotha, just careless words.”

“Startin’ to think I wouldn’t mind if you cleaned up your language.” I replied drily.

“Punk ass.” Ty barked.

“Lame ass.”

We fist-bumped and let it go, and just like that, it just wasn’t shit worth getting into. I was still salty as fuck, but it was what it was and escalating shit further wouldn’t solve anything, so I was receptive when Ty started chatting and cracking jokes, building off of some of his stuff to come up with my own. It was easy since I knew his style and had familiar ways to warp things, but new shit came to us both as often as we tired of old jokes, so it was a good balance. I was going through the story of The Twins Who Cuss Too Much, which is a fantastic tale that I’ll have to write down some time, but not right now.

Ty and I made our way to Magiville Square and the day was winding down for most people, so it wasn’t hard to spot Strats and her pastel yellow-haired friend.I gave them a wave when I was sure that they could see me and got a wave in return. “Ay Ty, that’s them.”

“Aww shit, bruh. I got dibs on the blondie.” He said, chuckling.

“You were supposed to anyway, but hopefully you can get em’ both.” I replied casually.

“Damn skippy, nigga. Imma play it, you just work your magic like usual.”

“No issues here. I know what we’re workin' toward.”

Ty nodded and we got over to the ladies quickly enough, though apparently Strats was happy to see me. She waited for me to get reasonably close, but she still came in for a hug that I thought was mostly unnecessary. “Jay! I figured you’d be early, so we came a little early ourselves.”

I hugged her back and let her go at the appropriate time. “Early is on time, on time is late.”

Strats giggled. “I’m glad I guessed correctly.” She smiled as Ty and her friend came to stand beside us. “Jay, Ty, this is my friend from Cloudsdale, Clear Sky.”

Sky gave us a wave and a smile. “It’s a pleasure to meet you two.”

“Pleasure’s all ours.” I said pleasantly.

“Bruh, you sayin’ the pleasure’s all ours, but you ain’t tellin’ either of these beautiful women why.” Ty said, seeing how they’d respond.

Strats’ cheeks pinked up a bit, but Sky was goin’ from the start. I didn’t let her respond to that, however. “That’s ‘cause it’s supposed to be implied or somethin’ later on.” I replied.

Ty scoffed. “Bruh. Ladies, both a’ y’all look great tonight. I’m sure y’all look great all the time, but I’m pretty sure ya look better ‘cause a’ were you’re standin’.”

Strats gave him a puzzled look before glancing at me, but I waited for Clear Sky to ask, “Why would where we’re standing have anything to do with how we look?”

Ty sank the hook. “Ay, nearby is how I’m likin’ ya right now.”

Sky lit up and gave him a flirtatious smile while Strats looked a little miffed, so I gave Ty another set up. “Nearby is right. It’s nice to keep friends close.”

He hit me with a double tap to the shoulder that didn’t hurt to show he picked up the ball. “Yeah, here’s hopin’ I can keep the party when you go back home like a pussy.” He shot Strats a wink and she blinked in surprise, coloring a little.

“I just don’t like to stay out too late.” I said apologetically. “However, Ty’s better company than I am anyway.” I said, laying the hint down.

Strats and Sky looked at each other for a moment. Strats turned to me with an odd look and asked, “Getting away from the niceties for a moment, are you trying to set us both up with your brother?”

“Jay been up for a couple days and boy needs a nap.” Ty answered for me.

Strats gave me an odd look. “That’s what I thought you were implying earlier, though I don’t mean the nap.”

I shrugged. “I’m just not crazy about getting that intimate. I’m sure you understand.”

Strats and Sky exchanged another long look before Sky asked, “... So is the tour around town just for unnecessary pretenses?”

I nodded. “Sure is. You can feel free to take this fucker and ride him around town if you feel like it.”

They exchanged yet another look. “... Okay. I mean, are you not interested at all, or…?” Strats asked.

I gave her my dopey smile. “I’d like to be your friend.”

She gave me a brilliant smile in return. “That sounds perfect! I don’t have many guy friends, so it’ll be nice to have someone who isn’t just a bull.”

“That means we’ll probably be seeing a lot of each other.” Sky gave me a smile. “Still, I have to ask, if you’re not going to have fun while you’re in Femajority town, then what kind of man are you? I’ve yet to hear of a guy turning down tail unless he’s already had a day full of it.”

I shrugged. “I just don’t like sleeping around. That, and Applejack claimed me, so I’m not going to anyway. Besides, every woman that’s been with both me and Ty say that he was better.” Which isn’t false. Then again, I never gave a single fuck about the threesomes Ty coerced me into.

Strats’ smile took a hit. “Ah, so you’re more of a small harem kind of guy.”

I blinked at her. “I prefer monogamy.”

“Yeah, he always been weird like that. Bitch could lay down in front of dude and tell him to do what he wants and he’d pass her up, no matter what she look like.” Ty said.

Sky raised her brows. “Ah, I see.”

I tilted my head at her. “I’m not gay.”

“... You’re not?”

“I just don’t like sex.”

“... That’s weird.” Sky and Strats chorused.

“Ay, it don’t gotta make sense to y’all. Just respect it and keep it movin’.” Ty replied, his tone gaining a bit of an edge.

Strats smiled because she probably missed the steel in his voice. “No problem. Are we still going to take a walk?”

“If there’s no need for the formalities anymore, I’ll just go home. It’s been a long day and I’d like to see how many times I can poke Applejack before she hits me.” I said, thinking of twelve as my hypothesis.

Strats gave me a look. “If she hits you, I want you to go to the police, Jay. There’s no reason for a Mundusian or a Magiville woman to be putting her hands on you.”

Ty and I took a moment to think about that. He raised a brow and the corner of his mouth lifted, so I tilted my head to the side and made a small horizontal gesture with my middle and index finger on my right hand. He rolled his eyes and made a vertical gesture with the same fingers, rolling his shoulder as he did so. I gave him a look and shook my head subtly, so he sighed and nodded. To explain, Ty likes the idea of the conventional gender roles being swapped, but I wanted him to explain what he was thinking and to keep it kosher. In turn, he basically told me that we should strongarm the available women like the ones we knew back on Earth tried to do to us, but I shut that down. He gave up because he knew I wasn’t going for it anyway since I liked my targets to have a rap sheet.

“How do you know that I’m not a Mundusian too?” I asked.

Strats giggled. “All Mundusians have a certain vibe, silly. Icarians and Medeis are hard to tell apart, but Mundusians stick out. You are a Medeis, right?”

I scratched my cheek. “Yeah, but it’s not like I know magic.”

“Odd, but not unheard of, you know. There are actually quite a few clans of non-practicing Medeis.” Strats informed.

“Which makes no sense to me. That’s like Icarians walking everywhere.” Sky shook her head.

“You both literally offered to walk around town with us.” I raised a brow. Apparently they were desperate enough for dick to be dirtying their feet with the ground.

Strats scoffed. “When I meet a guy as humble as you, it’s pretty worth it to grace the ground with my superior footsies.”

The group chuckled at that and we chatted for a while longer until I set Ty up to catch their attention completely with a story so I could slip off unnoticed. It worked, as usual, and I made my way back to Sweet Apple Acres to find Applejack relaxing in a pair of cut-off shorts and a tied off flannel top. She was reading and sipping on liquor, so I rounded the couch and sat next to her .

“Would starting a conversation be bad timing?” I asked as Applejack saved her spot in her book.

“Well, I was hopin’ to talk to ya tonight anyway, so I’d say it’s pretty good.” She replied. “Can I offer a somethin’ to drink?”

“If we could take this outside, that’d be great. It’s nice and cool and I kinda need something to keep me awake.”

Applejack gave me a flirty look. “I’ll give ya a kiss iffin’ ya can make it through some little gettin’ ta know ya type stuff.”

“I wear a lot of red, but my favorite color is blue.” I said.

“I wear a lot of red too, but I’d rather be wearin’ orange. It’s not much of a change, but still.”

“Do you like oranges more than apples?” I asked curiously.

She gave me a look. “How did I know you were gonna ask that?”

“Some would say it’s a gift.” I replied easily.

Applejack smirked and sipped her drink. “Got an answer for everything, dontcha?”

“You can always answer a question, it’s just the matter of whether you’re right or wrong.” I said, quoting one of the parts of the Maxronomicon that was never taken seriously.

That made her chuckle. “You know you’re so full of it, right?”

I shrugged and gave her a smug little smirk. “I’m the best at what I do.”

Applejack rolled her eyes. “Ya realize that ya just hinted that ya might be more dangerous than I bargained for, right?”

“Wasn’t really the intent there, AJ. I’m-”

“Oh no, you’re real dangerous.” She reached for my hand and I let her have it. “But somethin’ tells me that ya ain’t wild. You’re a calculated kinda guy. I think it’s best if we just keep ya on the farm for a while until that venom in your veins comes down to a reasonable level.”

“I don’t like being stuck in one place for too long. I expect walks to be taken.” I said, giving in since I was playing nice.

“If you’re good.” Applejack teased.

“I’ll drag you out of the house if I have to.” I said drily.

Her brows raised. “Oh, you meant chaperoned walks?”

I worked my jaw. “I was meaning more like a date.”

“Oh. Never been on one, so I couldn’t really see the offer.” Applejack chuckled weakly.

I gave her a look. “A large part of being a couple is doin' shit together. Are you really just tryin' to make me a prisoner in a nice way?”

“There’s a reason it’s called cuffin’, Sugar.” Applejack said casually.

I poked her side and she started before giving me a look. “I don’t like what you’re doing.”

“I don’t got too many options, Sugar. I do like ya enough to willin’ ta put my foot in the door, but you’re just dangerous.”

“I’m not dangerous until someone gives me a reason to be, and those reasons don’t pop up all that often.” I said, not quite lying.

“Would you rather fight someone or kill ‘em?” She asked bluntly.

“If an ass-whoopin’ gets the point across, I’d rather do it that way. Lotta hard headed fools ‘round where I used to live though.”

“So you definitely got blood on your hands?” Applejack asked, her voice unreadable.

I gave her a look. “Don’t preach at me. I know a killer when I see one.”

“You don’t know me, Bub.” Applejack said irritably.

I surveyed her for a moment as she took a draught from her glass before refilling it with a bottle she’d kept under a pillow. She didn’t say anything else, so I said, “Isn’t that the point of this talk? To get to know each other?”

“... Well, yeah but-”

“We don’t have out go into it.” I interrupted. “I just want to be right.”

She chuckled at that and gave me a little smile. “How ‘bout we start from the beginnin’ instead of rehashin’ all this ‘dangerous’ bullshit? We both know ya ain’t gonna make a move while I got my eyes on ya.”

I looked her in the eye as I grabbed her breast. “Is this making a move, or am I tauntin’ you all wrong?”

Applejack removed my hand. “Not that kinda move, ya silly man. Ya got some warm hands though.”

I smiled at her. “Thanks, I try to make the blood flow to my hands instead of my head so I do less thinking.”

She had another chuckle at that and held my hand. “You’re an odd one, you know that?”

“And you’re a pretty one. Not cute, though. Plenty pretty, and your nose is cute, but you’re not very cute. Definitely pretty though.”

“I can deal with being pretty, but why can’t I be cute too?” Applejack tried to give me a pout, but she ended up chuckling and ruining it.

“You could be pretty cute, but not cute pretty. That’s just not fair.” I grumbled.

She squeezed my hand and I felt her lips touch my cheek. “Does it really bother ya that much, Sugar?”

“... A little.”

“And that’s just adorable!” She giggled, massaging my hand.

“You’re real patronizing, you know that?” I asked irritably.

“Aw, I’m sorry, Sugar, but you’re gonna have to get used to it if ya actually wanna be with me. I don’t see why ya would unless you’re just tryin’ ta get a place to sleep for the time bein’, but ya seem pretty serious about bein’ in a relationship.”

I nodded. “You would make a good wife. You put off the vibe of a real woman, and I don’t like lettin’ the good ones go without at least sayin’ hi.”

Applejack gave me a funny look. “What makes ya think I would be a good wife?”

I cleared my throat and began. “Your figure and the sculptin’ therein makes it obvious that you’re a woman of dedication and devotion. It tells me that you’re willin' to put forth work, and your mannerisms tell me that you’re fiercely loyal. The way you responded to Ty and I by taking us into your home so you could keep an eye on us tells me that you see yourself as a guardian, which makes me want to earn your loyalty since it seems like you would make a steadfast friend. Your looks and assets have little to do with anything, so I’ll skip them until you’d like me to compliment you on them, so I’ll move onto your uncanny perception. You’re a valuable person with valuable skills that I like in a woman. Being able to suss out some danger in a person from meeting them isn’t something everyone can do, and I’d like to think that if we meet people together, we could weed out the psychotically dangerous people and leave the normally dangerous ones.”

Applejack blinked slowly. “Um… So ya like me because I’m hard workin’, ya think I’m loyal, I like ta protect my loved ones, and I’m good at findin’ the sketchy ones?”

“I’m not sketchy.” I objected calmly.

She gave me a once over. “Uh, yeah, you’re a little sketchy. Ty is easy to figure out: Give that boy some butt and he’ll play nice. You, on the other hand, are a wildcard. Some stuff bothers ya, but it’s hard ta see why. I think the only person that really gets ya is Ty, and I’m not talkin’ just us Arkaidites.”

“Arkaidite?”

“Well, ya got Arcadians from Arcadia and you got Arkaidites from Arkaid as a whole.”

“Who named a country after the planet?” I asked.

“Well, Celestia-”

“Who?”

“The Princess, Celestia. She an’ her sister rule Arcadia.” Applejack clarified.

“Ah, cool. So what did Celestia do?”

“She wanted to show that everyone from around the world was welcome in Arcadia, so she named the nation what it is.”

“Right. So what happened to the King and Queen? I’m sure it was stressful for their daughters to take over.”

Applejack tilted her head. “I dunno, Sugar. I don’t think the Princesses had parents.”

I gave her a fucked up look before changing it. “Wait, are they magic beings or somethin'?”

She giggled at me. “They’re flesh and blood just like us, Sugar. They’re just stronger than the top fifty Medeis, stronger than the Mundusians, and fly faster than the Icarians.”

“I thought you could only belong to one clan?” I asked, confused.

“Well, the short story of that is that some people just get real good at their special talent. It’s real rare and it takes somethin’ real special, but it’s somewhat possible. However, if ya manage to make it ta Ascension, ya get a title for your efforts.”

“Huh. That sounds easy enough, so I’m imaginin’ that it’s insanely difficult.”

“Pretty much. Ya can be a master of whatever it is that ya do, but ya gotta have a certain kind of Mana Mark to ascend.”

“What kind of Mana Mark, whatever that is, do you need?”

Applejack raised a brow and glanced at my arms. “Hey, flip your arms over, will ya?”

I sowed her my forearms with an amused look on my face. “I’m guessing my Mana Mark is supposed to be here if I have one?”

She let out a low whistle. “I’m hopin’ that ya get one, otherwise you’re gonna be gettin’ some funny looks if people notice.”

“Okay, so a Mana Mark is tied to a special talent, probably a depiction of it or somethin’, right?”

Applejack showed me her right arm, which held three little red apples dead center on her forearm. It looked like an interesting tattoo to say the least since the colors were really bold, like they’d been carefully painted on by a master of the craft. “Got it.There’s more to it, but if ya really wanna dig deeper into stuff like that, then Twilight’s gotta be your go to. She can answer whatever questions ya might have.”

“Why go to her when I could just bother you?” I asked, measuring her response.

She gave me a look like I should have been ashamed for asking. “Because I don’t actually know all that much about it, Sugar. It’s just a part of life here and no one really digs to deep into that kinda stuff unless they’re a youngster trying to get their Mana Mark.”

“So when do people get their Mana Marks? How do you go about gettin’ one?”

“Like I said, ask Twilight about it and she can get a lot deeper into it than I can. For now, it’s gettin’ a little late, isn’t it?”

I raised a brow at her. “Is that your way of asking for a goodnight kiss?”

Applejack’s cheeks colored a bit. “I wouldn’t mind one, but I wasn’t tryin’ ta pressure ya into nothin’.”

I leaned over and gave her a quick enough little kiss. “I like little token gestures of affection. They make my day a little brighter.”

She gave me a little smile. “If it’s stuff like that, then I think I like em’ too. Don’t stay up too late now, alright?”

“I was about to head to bed myself. I’ve kinda worn myself out.”

“Well if you’re too tired for a little more kissin’...” Applejack trailed off, brushing some of her hair behind her ear.

I rose and gave her a much longer, much Frenchier kind of kiss that she wasn’t very sure of how to respond to. When I pulled away, I said, “I’m afraid that’s all you’re getting for tonight, but morning isn’t too far away.”

Applejack was giving me a goofy smile. “Sure thing, Sugar. If it’s another one like that, I think I might be happy.”

I patted her arm. “Definitely worthy then. Goodnight, Applejack.”

“Night, Jay. If ya have a scary dream, don’t feel too bad about comin’ ta slip inta bed with me.” She gave me a little wink.

I gave her a blank look. “I can feel your perverse intentions through my clothes.”

She giggled at that. “Cute and funny. Sweet dreams, Sugar. Sweet dreams of me, that is.”

“Sweet dreams or nightmares, which ones do you want me to have more?”

“Well, if ya have a dream sweet enough to make ya come for the real thing…” Applejack left her implications where they were and went to bed.

I went to my room and went to sleep after cleaning my trusted Glock 20 because I wasn’t about to take the bait that Applejack had laid out for me. She either wanted to test my mettle and see if I just wanted her for her body, or she actually did want me to go into her room, which would probably end in sex, which really wasn’t something that I was down for at the moment. Ty stopped by to tell me that he’d had a good time and that everything was cool before he took himself to bed, but he’d woken me up when he did so. I was just glad to know that he was safe and sound after getting some since he didn’t take his Magnum with him like I’d asked, but c’est la vie and all that Surrènéder Speak.

I eventually got some sleep and woke up five hours later as was normal for me, though I was up before anyone else, despite how late it was was Ty got in. I spent some more time fiddling with my gun and sharpening my knives before shoving the blade in a pocket and the gun in my waistband. With little to do other than go get high, I did that because it’s fun and it’s a lot cooler when you smoke weed than when you smoke meth, on some real. Tweekers are some scary muhfuckers.

Speaking of tweekers, Apple Bloom caught me outside and said, “How ‘bout that? Ya know, I only ever see old folks smokin’.”

“I’m old at heart.” I sighed, the general energy to her voice making me feel like I was her grandfather or something. It was weird. Like, I wanted to spout wise words at her for no reason. “Good Morning, Apple Bloom. Don’t suppose you’re always up this early?”

“Not always, but usually. Yesterday was a bit of an off day, ya know?”

“I understand the feeling well. I tend not to sleep too long, but then again, some days I’ll sleep for half the day or more if I can.”

Her jaw dropped. “Wow, you sound like Scootaloo! I don’t know how that girl manages to stay in shape, but she’s slept for an entire day before!”

“Does she eat often?”

Apple Bloom huffed. “Every fifteen minutes if she has a snack in her purse. Most of the time we spend going around town is looking for something good to eat.”

“Then that’s because her metabolism is just ridiculously high. My brother was like that when he was younger, but he eventually grew out of it.”

She gave me a funny look. “You must be tired. Ya sound like you’re half drunk.”

I hit my pipe again and cashed it. “Well that’s a shame. If only I was actually drunk, then the day could start extra fun.”

“Uh, you ever tried to work drunk? It’s a special kind o’ suck, Buttercup.” Apple Bloom chuckled.

“I’ve done a lotta stuff drunk, Bapple.” I chuckled at the new nickname. “Bapple. Ah, I’m hopin’ that one sticks.”

She gave me a look I’d already seen from her sister. “That’s just goofy.”

“You’re goofy.” I protested.

“I’m not goofy, you’re goofy.” She replied, folding her arms.

I stood from the chair I’d been chilling in and looked out toward the sunrise. “At least I admit my silliness. You try to hide it.” I looked back to her. “What are you really hiding? All of you?”

Apple Bloom’s eyes held oceans of panic, which made my joke seem way less funny. “... I was kidding, Bapple.”

“I-I mean, there ain’t no big secret or nothin’, Jay, it’s just surprisin’ is all! Ya know, ya caught me off guard with that and it just ain’t fair.” She glowered at me, trying to turn the tables.

I let her. “I’ll try to avoid joking around like that in the future… Unless you’re going to tell me that your parents were cousins or something.” I chuckled.

“Oh no, my parents were from two rival-” Apple Bloom started.

“Apple Bloom, are you tellin’ the story without me?” Applejack asked from the door, her voice carrying a strange edge. I couldn’t have seen her from where Apple Bloom was standing, so I had no idea that she was there.

The youngest Apple from the orchard whipped around. “Sis! Uh, you know it was just a normal conversation! I wasn’t tryin’ ta steal your man!”

“Right. Why don’t you let him come in here and help Granny get to cookin’ while you set the the table?” Applejack ‘suggested’.

“Y-Yeah, good idea!” Apple Bloom rushed inside and I followed at a more sedate pace, but Applejack stepped outside and closed the door.

“Are ya interested in my sister?” Applejack asked frankly.

“I would like to know her since she’s a part of your family. I have the same kind of interest in her as I got in Granny and Mac.”

My girlfriend nodded. “S’long as we’re clear, Sugar. It ain’t an issue if ya are, but ya should know that I wouldn’t lay a finger on her for no one.” She pointed at me.

“Incest is weird.” I frowned.

“Bit more than weird, but that’s a word for it, I guess. What I’m tryin’ ta say is that some fellas out there like to add members of the same family to their harem and try and get ‘em to do all sorts o’ stuff to stay in it.”

I tilted my head at her until my ear touched my shoulder and my neck popped. “What the fuck?”

“That sounded like it hurt.”

“It’s a good ache. But seriously, y’all Arcadians need to chill with some of this wild shit.”

Applejack rolled her eyes. “Well, you’re about to get into the thick of the sickness, ‘cause Mac and I wanna send you and Ty to Twilight’s for the day to get ya briefed on Arcadian history and hopefully get ya some learnin’ with Magic.”

“Wouldn’t it be more prudent for us to be on the farm? I mean-”

“Hold on a sec, somethin’s been botherin’ me for awhile.” Applejack interrupted.

I gave her a look. “If it’s that important.”

She rolled her eyes. “Sorry, Sugar, but why do ya talk like ya barely know how ta string together a sentence without swearin’ sometimes, but then sound like some kinda scholar the next? It makes no sense!”

I shrugged. “I’ve always balanced colloquialisms and vernacular with decent articulation. It helps get my point across better.”

“I guess I get that. Boy, did I ever land a weird one.” She sighed.

“Hey.” I said, mildly offended.

She rolled her eyes again. “Toughen up, Sugar.”

“I’ll kiss you, bitch.” I growled.

“... I mean, I want the kiss, but ya also just called me a dog, so I’m kinda upset about that.”

“The insult was for being mean, the kiss is to make up and get on with our day.” I explained.

“Apologize, then I’ll give you a kiss.” Applejack countered.

“Give me a kiss and I’ll think about it.” I bargained.

“If ya don’t give me one now, I’ll charge ya for one later.”

“I’ll let you borrow this one, but I want it back, okay?” I gave her a meager kiss.

She gave me a stern look. “Now what kinda smooch was that? I get better kisses from my dreams, and those ain’t even real!”

“Hmm… What were those wise words I heard not too long ago? I think they were ‘Toughen up’?” I taunted, smiling.

Applejack narrowed her eyes and searched for something that she evidently didn’t see, because she initiated a kiss for once. I let her have control to see what she would do, but I can’t say that I was surprised when she kept it tame. A little disappointed, but not surprised. “So you’re one o’ the guys I’m allowed to kiss when I want?”

“Most of the time. Like I said, little token gestures of affection.” I gave her a little smile.

She touched my arm, so I touched hers and she gave me a weird look before she remembered. “Right, the mutual contact thing. Well, I wasn’t lyin’ about helpin’ Granny with breakfast. She’s taken a shine to you an’ Ty so far.”

“That’s because it’s quiet around here. There doesn’t seem to be a need for us to get into any trouble, but a faster way of earning money would be nice.”

“Well, I still gotta pay y’all for the little bit of work ya done so far, but it probably wouldn’t hurt if ya started usin’ those handyman skills of yours around town. Lotta ladies around here only know one or two friends that are handy 'round the house, and all I ever hear in the market is about how stuff ain’t workin’ like it used to.”

I nodded. “I’ll look into it. If I manage to get it going, would it be alright if I worked half of my day here and the other half in town?”

“As long as ya ain’t screwin’ around.” Applejack huffed.

“I tend to get things done. Screwing around isn’t something I do unless I have the tools for it.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Mechanical Engineer. I can do a lot of things with scrap gears and whatever else you might find around the shop.”

“... Ya mean like a tinkerer or somethin’?”

The word was familiar, but I didn’t quite get the comparison for a moment. “Well, kind of. Just on a larger scale for the most part, I guess.”

“Why dontcha head over to Tick Tock’s Clock Shop? It’s a ‘Clockingly Good Shopping Experience!’.” She chuckled.

“Disgusting.” I said simply. “I’m going to go help make the breakfast that I’m not going to keep in my stomach from the grossness of that pun.”

I walked on in as Applejack followed me. “Aw come on, that’s just punny right there!”

“Stop punishing me, you menace.” I groaned.

“Ya know, I got a cousin you might be interested in.” Applejack said, smiling already. “She’s a little like me, but then again, a can’t really compare Apples and Oranges.”

“Oh my God, I’m in Pungatory.” I facepalmed heartily.

“I don’t know what that is, but now you’re makin’ ‘em too! It’s infectious, isn’t it?”

“I’ll dropkick you, Applejack. I really might.” I deadpanned.

She huffed. “Yeah right. Medeis aren’t exactly known for their athletics, Sugar.”

“I wasn’t a Medeis up until a few days ago.” I pointed out.

“Fair enough then, I guess. Have fun cookin’, I guess.”

“I’ll be sure to put some of the cheese from your jokes into the grits.” I replied drily.

“Theh’ll have a funny taste to 'em!” Applejack called after me as I left her in the living room. I passed Apple Bloom on the way into the kitchen and gave her a smile before getting started on doing shit with Granny.

Ty and Mac came from their adjacent rooms, cutting up and joking around before everything was done, so they joined Applejack and Apple Bloom in the living room for a while until Granny and I had everything made. I put Applejack plate together because I’m nice like that, but when I tried to hand it to her, she gave me an odd look. “Uh, Sugar? I thought you were makin’ that plate for Ty or somethin’.”

We had an audience as I said, “I can give it to him if you don’t want it.”

Alarm crossed her face along with a blush. “N-No, I’m not tryin’ ta turn ya down, it’s just… That’s an awful intimate gesture, ya know? Ya don’t fix a plate for just anyone.” She took the food from me and waited for me to reply.

I looked at Ty. “Hey faggot, you want me to whip you up a plate like a good boy?”

“I’m a grown ass man. Only person fixin’ my plate better be my momma or my main ho.” Ty scoffed.

I looked back to Applejack. “He’s weird, but my point is that I like doing little things like this. It shows certain levels of commitment, but if you don’t like it-”

“Sugar, no, it’s not that. Trust me, I like it, it’s just unexpected.” She gave me a sheepish smile. “That is, unless you were plannin’ on fixin’ everyone’s plate.”

I hefted mine. “I’m good. Wanna go have a seat?”

“Sure thing, Sugar.”

And so we sat, but that wasn’t the end of it. Once everyone had their food, Granny lead the grace and Ty and I said our own before we started digging in, but once we got to eating. Applejack kept sending furtive glances towards my eggs, and when she thought I wasn’t looking, she went after them, so I made direct eye contact and stole one of her sausages. Applejack got another bite of my eggs, so I snacked on her meat (Miss me with that gay shit) while she got a mouthful of the things I was going to put on a biscuit. Applejack being evil ended up only leaving me enough of my own eggs for a single breakfast flavored biscuit. It was sad, but sacrifices have to be made in relationships, and I got another one of her sausage links, so it was cool.

After breakfast, Applejack told me to get Ty and scram, so I got him out of the apple scented house and into the apple scented orchard. It didn’t take long for him to start bugging me over shit. “Bruh, you too nice to that cowgirl. She’s gonna walk all over you if you keep this shit up.”

I gave him a look as we were walking. “Bruh, when was the last time I let a bitch into my romantic life? Applejack’s not the type of person to ask for more than what I offer, so I gotta figure out what she likes. It’s not me bein’ too nice, it’s me figurin’ out how to sway her when I want her to do somethin’.”

“Slippery nigga.” Ty grunted.

“I give back.” I grumbled.

“Tch. Like when you gave Tyrese that ounce of straight garbage after you jacked him for an eighth of loud?”

“Ay, we was straight. He flipped that shit, made enough to buy a half of good shit and came back around and smoked with us. When I use people, we make friends. When you use people, bodies start turnin’ up.”

“That’s ‘cause you put ‘em there you psychotic fuck!” Ty said for the thousandth time.

“How many times have you got us jumped ‘cause you wanted to fuck around and not tell me about fuckin’ someone over?”

“I’d rather just swing and let it be, man. You and the rest of the cold-blooded niggas need to learn how to let hands be hands.” He said, shaking his head.

“Like when you asked me to cap Tyrese ‘cause you pulled the same shit I did and he broke your arm with his boys?” I replied frostily.

“... Aight, so I get your hands dirty more than I should. I’m sorry, bruh, but-”

“But what, man? You fuck up, I take care of it. I fuck up, you take care of it. That’s how we’ve been since day one; don’t let this light-skinned Lite-Brite lookin muhfucker have to remind you of that.”

He threw a soft jab at me and I let it connect. “It was rough not havin’ you around yesterday, man. This whole new world shit is startin’ to get to me while you’re just settlin’ in like you expect to be here forever.”

“Did you not read the Maxronomicon, or did you stay old school?” I asked.

“Bruh, TB is a prick. I don’t wanna read about his ass.” Ty grunted.

“Huh. He was cool to me the one time I got to talk to him. What were you praying about?”

Ty coughed. “I was hoping that I didn’t catch somethin’ from Syphy Sally.”

I laughed at that. “Aw shit, dude! Don’t tell me that’s the reason you started callin' her that!”

My brother gave me a shitty look. “Fuck off, bitch. She was fly until she got burnt up and turnt out.”

“True. Always sad to see a good woman get hooked on rocks.” Ty and I went over to a tree to knock on some wood. I did it because I was hoping that we were the only ones with any kind of coke and Ty followed because he just can’t bring himself to bang a basehead. It’s shallow and stupid, but at least he has emotions.

“Shit, Jay, remember when that OG Diesel got cracked out? That nigga was a solid three hundred, pure muscle, and it all just fuckin’ went to waste. Sad to see anyone go down like that, man.”

I grimaced. “It’s a fuckin’ shame that these junkies are getting the helping hand while these crackheads are out here goin’ through the same shit and getting shunned. Shit breaks my heart, man.”

“Not like we really gotta worry about it right now, but why did you ask if I read Torch Bearer’s book? I’m happy to get all sad and shit with ya, but what’s up?”

“Ah, I was askin’ ‘cause it mentions that he might displace people from time to time when he thinks they could do more good somewhere else. We’re either stuck here for good with a second chance at life, or we’re here temporarily to help save the world in the next ten years. It’s pretty clean cut, to be honest with you.”

“So he just fucks with people out of nowhere? That’s some bullshit.” Ty grumbled.

“It’s either being here or being in the pen. Not jail, prison. Jail time was bad enough during that little stint I caught for drinking underage. I’m not trying to it up the big leagues, and if we’re here to stay, then we’ve getting a pretty decent start. If we’re here temporarily, then we need to start burning bourbon and asking for guidance.”

“I still don’t see how you go from ‘The world is ending!’ to ‘Keep calm and carry on.’ in like, a day, man. I really don’t.”

I shrugged. “Get some real swagger and flo and you might just catch a glimpse of what I already know.”

“Stop tryna spit bars and tell me what’s really up with you and Applejack. Something tells me that she knows exactly what we do.”

“Ah, she knows I’m the murderous one, so you’re flying under that radar for the time being. I don’t know what she wants from me, but she’s too genuine for comfort. Gotta ask what it is she wants out of claiming me-”

“Ay, Strats and Sky both tried to claim me. Shit was great.” Ty beamed.

I rolled my eyes and ended my explanation since Ty made it clear that he’d learned what he wanted. “Did you let either of them?”

“Hell nah. This dick is chocolate gold, nigga, and it’s gonna get me somewhere.” He chuckled as town came into view.

“Are you whoring yourself out for power or money?”

“Can a brother not get both?” Ty grinned at me.

I smirked at him. “Don’t let it blow up in your face, man.”

“I know how to play the game, and trust me when I say that this shit is easy mode, my Nigga.”

I just shook my head, still smirking. “Like I said; don’t let it splash back and get ya.”

“Whatever man. So what do you think Twilight got for us?”

“Probably a shit ton of information that neither of us are really going to care about.” I said honestly. “The girl strikes me as a nerd, but I can’t stop hoping that she has a chalkboard or something. If she gotta reach higher on it, then I might be sprung.”

“BOI, dat ass.” Ty grunted. “I swear on my Momma’s best cookin’ I’d do unforgivable things to that lil’ puckerhole.”

I lost my shit. “What the fuck, man!?”

He shot me a dirty grin. “Aw, come on, Jay. Don’t even pretend like you would like to be hilt deep in that. Might only be two inches, but… Well, could you even make it past the cheeks?” He taunted.

“Tch. At least I could get her off. The reason you can’t keep a girl is because you can’t dick ‘em down right.”

“Oh, you wanna go there? You really wanna go there?”

“Ay, what Theresa said don’t count. We both know that the psycho bitch woulda sucked your freshly busted nut out of her own Moms ass if you told her to.”

“Aight, but what about Lashae though?”

I gave him a look. “Lashae fuckin’ wrecked my bed with what she left behind. That bitch just didn’t like me ‘cause I wasn’t tryin’ to let some gold diggin’ bitch have my hard earned scratch.”

“Okay, but Deshae said you didn’t even last ten minutes.” He smirked, thinking he had a point.

“For what round? She mighta failed to mention that I kept her busy for six hours after I got that first Molly nut off.”

Ty snapped his fingers. “Damn, I was hopin’ that you were too fucked up to remember much of that one.”

“Only thing that blacks me out is alcohol, jackass.”

“I know that, shithead. Just let a nigga win one for once.”

I chuckled, waving to some friendly passers by as we came into town. “I’ll let you win when you let Applejack peg you.”

“Is that another internet thing? You gotta stop makin’ references that no one’s gonna get.”

“You gotta stop lookin’ like that before you get arrested.” I countered.

Ty gave me a look. “Shit, I might get made into a sex slave or somethin’, but they’re gonna take one look at you and release you back to the wild. Better leave my ass for a couple days unless you know they got strap-ons and shit.”

I opened my mouth to respond when we heard a shrill whistle come from behind us, startling the fuck out of me and making Ty wince. “Hey! You two men!” An authoritative female voice barked.

Ty and I turned around to see a woman wearing a weird uniform that was probably a cop suit. Her magenta hair was stuffed under her stupid looking hat, and the look in her eye told me that I was going to have my hands full. “Good morning, Officer…?”

The woman marched up to us and crossed her arms. “I don’t recall either of you ever stopping by the Welcoming Center.”

I passed a look at Ty and he gave me the nod. “That’s because we didn’t go. Are we supposed to go to the Welcoming Center.”

“We’re going there now.” She stated.

“Are we under arrest?” I asked.

She gave me a stern look. “Look, pal. I can tell that you’re Arcadian, but your Zgarian friend needs to register if he wants to walk around town freely.”

I gave her my most fucked up look. “He’s not Zgarian. His parents were, but he was born in Arcadia.”

The cuntbag scoffed. “Likely story. So why hasn’t he said anything? Trying to mask the accent?”

I looked at Ty and he said, “I ain’t sayin’ shit ‘cause I ain’t got a reason to. Jay’s the correspondent when someone comes at us with less than friendly words, ya know?”

She glared at him. “... I don’t know what kind of accent that is, but it’s not Zgarian.”

“I’m just a little further south from here. The language gets a little rougher, little sloppier, I guess.” Ty said. He was being honest about the sloppier dialect, at least.

“Are you claimed?” The officer asked bluntly.

He shook his head. “Nah. I’m lookin’ for the right woman, or rather, the right women. Gotta find ladies who gonna be there when I need ‘em and who ain’t afraid to let me help with their problems. I heard some good stuff about Magiville, so I brought my brother with me to look for possible wives.” Straight bullshit, but true enough.

The bitch beamed at that. “Oh, I’m so sorry! It’s just that Zgarians have that nasty habit of taking Arcadian citizens back to Zgaria with them, but if you’re thinking about settling down in Magiville, then let me welcome you to town!”

“Thanks.” Ty and I said at the same time.

“Right. So is there anything I can help you two handsome fellas with?” She batted her lashes at us.

The shift in her demeanor threw both of us through a loop, but I recovered first. “We’re actually looking for Twilight Sparkle’s house. We’ve been told that she can help us with a really specific and unmentionable problem.”

The cop gave me an odd look. “I thought you were here to look for wives?”

“We are, but we’re sorting out all sorts of other things while we’re looking into it. We’re kinda just seeing who we come across in our daily lives for now.”

She smiled again. “Well, I hope you come across me when I’m off duty some time. I would apologize for sounding so cross with you earlier, but that’s my work voice.” She suddenly closed her eyes and swore. “Darn it! I’m not supposed to tell people that!”

I saw through the charade easily, but she was a member of law enforcement, and therefore valuable. I gave Ty the signal and he set in. “Ay, beauty in blue, don’t sweat it. We ain’t gonna say nothin’ to no one, so take a breath.”

She gave him a grateful smite with flirtatious undertones. “You shouldn’t be flirting with me while I’m in uniform.”

“We shouldn’t do a lotta stuff while you’re wearin’ that, so why don’t we find somewhere to take it off? Except for the hat. The hat stays.” Ty said like a weirdo.

The unnamed woman that my brother was trying to nail fingered the brim of her hat and cast a furtive glance at me. “Are you sure about that…?”

“The hat or the rest of it?”

“Well, I’m curious about the hat part too.” She confessed.

He smirked. “Serious about both. Jay can live without me for a couple hours.”

I shrugged. “I’m claimed anyway, so it’s not like I could do anything. Just use protection, you two.”

The cop scoffed. “I’m an Officer of the Law. I am the protection.”

Ty and I both got a chuckle out of that, so I ditched them after i got my giggles and got lost on my way to Twilight’s, but a little backtracking solved that problem. By the time I actually got to Twilight’s place, I was ready for some of Adam’s Ale, which isn’t important, but I was fucking thirsty enough to remember it, so it got mentioned. For the second time, I gave Twilight’s door a knock and half expected her to not answer like last time, and lo’ and behold: nothing happened. I figured I’d let myself in since I was apparently supposed to be there, but when I heard soft singing coming from further into the house, I was confused because I didn’t remember a dude living with Twilight. He sounded like he was still in his mid-teens, but he had some pipes on him that would probably make any choir a little bit better.

Since no one else seemed to be around, I called out, “Hello?” from the doorway.

He stopped singing and I could hear some light jogging until he rounded a corner and laid eyes on me. The guy seemed off from the get go, though I don’t know if it was the pointed ears or the slitted eyes that caught me off guard. I showed my surprise with a tilt of my head. “Hello, my name is Jay. I’m here to see Twilight Sparkle, Mr…?”

The stout young dude gave me a friendly smile. “Spykoranuvellitar, but everyone who wants to get on with their days calls me Spike. It’s nice to meet you, Jay, but Twilight left to catch someone on the road about thirty minutes ago.”

“Ah, that’s a shame. I believe I have options. Would you like to weigh in?” I offered, laying out a flag event in a textbook and shameless manner.

“Sure.” He said, giving me the same smile I’d given a lot of women lately, but he meant it.

There was something a little wrong with Spike, but nothing I’d be willing to take advantage of anyway. However, he was obviously close to Twilight in some way from the casual way he spoke of her, so I figured befriending him would beneficial in the long run. “You see, I could stay here and do some researching on my own, or I could go and try to track Twilight down.”

He chuckled. “Trust me, you’re better off waiting here, man. She’ll get lost on the way back into town and you’ll never find her until she just gives up and goes to Town Square.”

“Navigationally challenged?” I asked.

“Quite.” He answered drily with some shitty feminine upper-crust accent. It was properly annoying, which gave me a lead.

“Say, are you good at impressions?”

Spike waved a hand. “Kinda sorta. I’m not the best, but people around town think I’m funny.”

“Who were you mocking just then?”

“An old crush of mine. She shut me down hard, so she's usually my go to target.” He said frankly.

I shrugged. “Can’t blame ya, man. I beat up my first ex’s boyfriend because I found out she’d been cheating on me with him. Mocking her is pretty mild.”

Spike stared at me. “... Uh, dude, wow…”

I blinked and realized my faux pas. “Sorry, the environment I grew up in was radically different from the traditional Arcadian standards. I forget that not everyone fights on a regular basis here.”

His jaw dropped. “Dude, I’ve seen like, two normal fist fights in my entire life! Where the heck did you live? Was it like, Slane or something?”

“Slain?” I gave him a funny look.

“S-L-A-N-E. It’s supposed to be the worst city in Arcadia, but if you’re not from there, then where are you from?” Spike asked, curiosity overwriting his initial fear.

I saw no reason to lie. “A different planet entirely. Didn’t Twilight tell you about me?”

He booped himself a couple times and had a Brain Blast apparently. “Oh! Jay is short for Jameson, isn’t it!?”

“Yes it is.” I answered kindly.

“Ah. Yeah, just wait here dude. Twilight’s gonna be back in like, an hour, tops. If you’re here to see her, then someone should’ve already told you to clear your day.”

“Time leech?” I chuckled.

“Lecture Mode should be patented and therefore banned.” He shivered.

I sighed. “I’m here for a lecture, sadly.”

“You poor, poor man. I know where she keeps her moonshine if you want a shot.”

I pulled my kit from my pocket. “Hey, ya wanna make a bad decision?”

“Holy crap, I never thought Twilight’s examples would come true word for word!” Spike said, flipping his shit.

I bit my cheek to stop myself from laughing at him. Once I calmed down a bit, I said, “She smoked weed too. It didn’t hurt her at all.”

He narrowed his eyes. “How do I know that you’re not testing me?”

“You would’ve failed by asking about the test. If you know it’s a test, then it’s not a test, therefore anything you would have done after would be pointless because you failed the test anyway.” I said matter-of-factly.

Dumbass bought it, but I’m not gonna snitch on myself. Twilight came back home after Spike was done in the kitchen and he sent her my way when she came in. I knew his stomach was probably going to be killing him in a little bit, but I warned him against eating too much before swimming, so I blame him. The librarian asked if something was wrong with Spike and I told her that he’d said something about being tired, so she left it alone.

We sat in the library section of her home as Twilight asked, “So, I hope you don’t mind me asking, but where’s Ty?”

I decided to mess with her for a bit. “Why would I mind you asking me about where Ty is?”

She flustered easily. “Oh, well, I-I don’t really know, but I didn’t want to just ask you out of the blue.”

“So you’re saying that it was just a lead up to your question?” I narrowed my eyes at her.

“... Um… Yes?” She answered hesitantly, fidgeting in her chair.

“So it was not an indication of your favourite Closet Person?” I asked, my tone chilly.

Twilight flinched before something seemed to click for her and her cheeks pinked up. “O-Oh, I-I mean…”

I folded my arms and leaned back . “Oh, so it was you dropping a hint?”

“I-I-I, er- Um… Look, Jay, I don’t have a favorite!” She cried. “I don’t know either of you well enough to have a favorite!”

I let my shoulders sag and my face droop. “I suppose that being the reasonable one only goes so far,” I said, choking on neckbeard tactics, “but the handsome one always has that redeeming quality.”

“Jay, I…” Twilight looked like she was about to freak the fuck out.

I gave her a smile. “I bet you don’t have a book on acting in here, do you?”

Thunderstruck, Twilight cocked her head to the side. “Does not compute. This is a library, of course we have books on acting!”

“But you can’t tell when someone’s messing with you?” I asked.

Twilight closed her eyes and facepalmed, but she didn’t say anything. Instead, she got up from her chair and joined me on the adjacent couch, sitting far closer to me than I was comfortable with. By that I mean she was touching me while she held my hand with both of hers. “Okay, Jay, I get that your sense of humor is going to be different, even alien, but could you please not… Please don’t do something like that again. I really thought you were upset, and faking that makes it seem less genuine when you actually are upset. And to be honest with you,” She leaned up to whisper in my ear, “You’re still my favorite.” She stopped whispering and sat normally. “Just don’t go rubbing it in, okay?”

I gave her an apologetic smile. “My bad, Twilight. I thought you’d be less upset and more like ‘Oh, you suck!’, you know? And I’m probably gonna rub it in, to be honest with you. He’s earned his just desserts a few times over now.”

She winced. “I’d really appreciate it if you kept me out of that kind of meanness.”

I softened my expression and activated compassion mode. “It’s little more than teasing to us, Twilight, but I hear you. I won’t involve you in our little exchanges.”

Purps gave me a little smile. “Thank you.”

“No problem. So do you want to get started on the history lesson, or would you prefer it if I found a nicer way to mess with you?”

“Well, I’d really rather have your brother present so I don’t have to go over it twice. Did you ever say when he was coming?”

“I did not, and I found a nicer way to mess with you.” I smiled.

“Are you trying to distract me?” Twilight asked.

“I’m trying to avoid telling you that my brother is being promiscuous at the moment and probably won’t be here for a few hours.” I smiled sadly.

Twilight flushed brightly. “O-Oh, well…” She chuckled awkwardly and looked away from me, glancing back as she said, “You know how some people are. It doesn’t matter their gender.” She chuckled some more and it was just as awkward as the first time.

If Twilight was a honeypot, then I was Winnie the-fucking Poo. I was digging her natural derp and cheddar. If I wanted Applejack for her possible connections and relative local power, then I wanted Twilight for sheer infatuation and novelty. It was time for the Champion to make a challenge. “Some people just can’t restrain themselves.” I said huskily, giving Twilight a half-lidded look. “Maybe it’s a natural attraction?”

She glanced at me again and made a frankly adorable noise. “Eep! I- Er, well- Would you look at the time!? It’s time to wake Spike-”

“Twilight, Purps, I’m messing with you again.” I gave her a pleasant smile.

Her face went from pink to red quickly enough. “Jay, I asked nicely.”

I raised my hands. “Let me speak the whole truth; I am interested in you in an intimate fashion, though not as intimate as my body language prolly implied.”

She pouted adorably for a moment, her eyes on the ground. “... That’s not fair.”

“Then I apologize, I think.” I said sagaciously.

Twilight folded her arms and glared at me. “How do I know you’re not messing with-”

I kissed her and hoped that my enthusiasm was muted enough for it to still be nice. I pulled away, but Twilight followed me until I was lying with my back on the arm of the couch, straddling me for a standard kiss that I felt duty bound to make a little more interesting. I got Twilight to open her mouth and slipped her a little tongue, which got her to recoil.

“Wh-What was that!?” Twilight asked.

“Freakin’ weird. PDA rules apply to everyone in the library, Twilight.” Spike said, passing through to place a book on a shelf.

Twilight didn’t breath until he was gone and we both watched him go. “Heh. Heh heh.” She chuckled nervously.

I waited for her to look back toward me since I couldn’t really do that until she got off me, though I was kind of hoping to hit second base since her ass really was just that perfect bubble butt. She didn’t move or say anything for a little bit, so I gently grabbed her chin and gave her one last kiss. “As nice as that was, I’m sure you and Applejack are going to need to hash something out, because I want you both in my harem.”

Twilight blinked. “Dear Heavens, for a split second I thought that you just wanted me for today.”

I stroked her cheek with my thumb. “Gotta admit that we’ve gone a little fast and skipped a few steps, but you’re definitely my type. It’s not hard to see that.”

Twilight left her hands on my chest and kept looking at them like she had been. “... So what type am I?”

“From what I’ve seen so far? The sweet, compassionate intellectual with a few perks.”

Her eyes snapped to mine and there was definitely something there that told me that my life hinged on the next sixty seconds going well. “What kind of benefits?”

I raised a brow as I felt my body heat up and my adrenaline surge. “May I?”

“May you what?” She asked, confused.

I grinned and copped my first handful of the most perfect ass I’ve ever felt, bar none. To this day, I still have not felt a better ass than Twilight, which is why I said, “Oh my God, I could die happy. Twilight, if you don’t think I deserve to live past this moment, it’s cool.” I sighed.

My new Number Two lit up. “Jay!”

I left my hands where they were. “I know I deserve to be slapped right now, but it’s magnificent. If we’re half as happy together as I am when my hands are where they are, then it’s going to be smiles and sunshine.”

Twilight was so stiff that it was amusing, so I moved my hands and placed them over hers. She let out a breath and said, “W-Well, it’s nice to know that you find me physically attractive already.”

“Like I said, you definitely have perks, but like that implies they’re not the main reasons I’m interested.”

A pensive look overtook her face, but the dire spark in her eye said that I’d better answer carefully. “So what other perks do I come with?”

I made a little lassoing motion. “You live in a tree-house full of books on just about anything I could need to know about Arkaid and Arcadia, I’m guessing. This is probably the best place to be to do some learning that I have access too, and something tells me that Applejack referred me to you for a reason.”

Twilight gave me a little smile. “Are you just saying nice things because I’m on top of you? Because I’m about to get off. Whatever’s in your pocket has been poking me for awhile.”

I knew what she was talking about and it wasn’t my Kershaw. “Right. Well it’s been nice having you aboard the Jay Subway. We might not get to the destination very fast, but you’ll have a lot of fun along the way.”

“That’s the slogan for the Twilight Express!” She giggled as she got off of me. I missed having her on me already since I was sure that I could have seen up her skirt at just about any moment, I just needed her to move her damn arms.

What can I say? I like upskirts.

Fuck off.

“You just copied my slogan. I’m a year older, so you’re definitely full of it.” I teased.

She mock-pouted. “Well can’t it just be happenstance instead of plagiarism?”

“Let me have another kiss before I file a lawsuit.” I said, making a silly face at her.

Twilight’s giggle was as cute as she was. “Just one more?”

“There’s no statute of limitations as long as you keep your slogan.” I said, offering her an out.

She dismissed it entirely. “Well, what if I hold onto it just so I get extra kisses?”

“Then I’ll just have to file an injunction and meet you outside of court so we can settle this like mature adults.”

That confused her, but she played along. “What would you bargain for?”

“Nights of cocoa and cuddling.” I said, confident that she was working herself further into the palm of my hand.

“I don’t know, that could get awfully heated.” Twilight mused. “Why not just have a dark roast of weak coffee and call it a date?”

“I’m not all that crazy about coffee, to be honest with you. I drink a cup a day and that’s about it.”

She sighed. “Not a lot of guys drink coffee anyway. It’s like trying to find someone who likes black licorice.”

“I like black licorice.” I commented.

She gave me an odd look. “I guess you do seem like the type.”

I returned her look with one of my own. “The type to what? Like licorice?”

“Yep.” She answered simply. “It’s not unheard of to type people by candy.”

“You mean profile.” I said drily.

“Ah, I should’ve known that you’d understand the usage. You strike me as a smart guy.” Twilight gave me a shy smile.

I liked it when a plan fit together. “Thank you, Twilight. Speaking of, I’m trying to get smarter with magic. I mean, if I have it, I might as well learn how to use it, right?”

She beamed at me. “Oh, I love helping my clansmen explore their powers! I know exactly what we sold start with too!”

Twilight wasted no time in dragging me downstairs to the basement I didn’t know the place had, and therein held a weird mix of magical/alchemical looking devices with a few steampunk-vibing machines that sketched me out. There were arcane runes dancing throughout the room in the air and on the floor, the ones in the air flittering about by themselves or in pairs while the ones on the floor formed geometric shapes, which I assumed dictated their purpose. Twilight lead me through a maze of runes and warned me against jumping into any of them unless I wanted to be stuck or worse for the next few hours. She didn’t explain what ‘Or worse’ meant, but she did lead me to a clear spot on the smooth stone floors.

“Alright! So the first thing we need to do is judge what your MR is, then we move on to step two.” Twilight said brightly, leaving me in the clearing to go fetch a weird bronze thing that was essentially two rounded rectangles that were stuck together with a gauge on top When she came back, she said, “Now keep in mind that your MR can change depending on how much you exercise your magic, so be sure to try and do at least a few basic spells a day so you can put a dent in your magic pool.”

She gave me the thing, so I held it. “What’s an MR?”

“Oh, it’s just your Magical Rank. It goes from ‘A’ to ‘F’ on most scales, though there are people mean enough to still use the ‘G’ scales.” Twilight answered casually, keeping her eyes on the gauge. After a moment, she glanced at me and asked, “Um, are you putting any magic into it?”

“I don’t know how to do that.” I replied blankly.

Twilight stared at me for a second. “Oh! You didn’t have magic on or world, I forgot!”

I smirked at her. “So how do I let the juice loose?”

She lit up and looked away. “I’m pretty sure that means something else to you, and since we were talking about magic, I’m assuming you were talking about how to let yor mana flow.”

“Got it all in one go.” I chuckled.

Twilight breathed a sigh of relief. “Oh thank Heavens. Anyway, you release your mana by centering your focus and feeling for the source. Where your mana resides usually indicates your affinity with certain schools of Magic. For example, my mana flows most heavily and collects most densely in my head, just like Prin- Er, Celestia, Luna, and Cadance. Most Medeis find their centers near their navel, though there are plenty that find their mana in their hands and join The Guard, but there’s no telling where someone’s mana tends to collect without either them finding it or a trained professional running a diagnostic with a few helpful tools.”

“Alright, before I try to focus and whatever, didn’t Applejack mention that Mundusians and Icarians also have magic? Where does their mana collect?”

“Good question! Mundusians have their mana flowing through their bodies at a constant rate, which is what makes their physicalities so incredible in comparison to Medeis and Icarians. Icarians have their mana mostly stored in their upper backs and spines, which is what gives them the ability to fly. Did Applejack explain the Sanguis to you?”

I frowned because I recognized the word. “I don’t know what it means on this planet, but I know what it means on mine.”

Twilight gave me a questioning look. “If it makes you feel any better, I’m a Sanguis.”

I felt my heart hammer as I realized that I was completely at the mercy of someone whose very clan slash Path or whatever meant ‘Bloodshed.’ “Yeah, no, not feeling the chill.”

She giggled at me. “Jay, relax! It’s just a word for those of us with all the powers from the clans. It’s nothing to be worried about.”

I blinked my surprise. “Wait, what?”

“If your mana collects in your head, you have the potential to Ascend into the ranks of the Sanguis’. Well… Either that or you’re a BaseMed, which is a Medeis who can’t do anything more complicated than a decent repair spell, regardless of their special talent. There aren’t many BaseMeds, but then again, there aren’t many people powerful enough to do a repair spell like that anyway, so calling them Duds is really just being hateful.”

“Here’s hoping that I can actually do something with whatever Magic I have.” I said, closing my eyes. “Is there a trick to this, or what?”

“Just clear your head and let your mana resonate. I can already feel it stirring, though I can’t tell you why it was being so still in the first place.”

I shrugged and stayed silent, preferring to hone in on the beating of my heart to focus in on my bodies rhythm. The outside noise faded away as I listened, but all I could feel was a tingling in my chest that and been there a few times since I’d popped up in Arcadia. I’d thought it was nothing, but I opened my eyes and asked, “Hey Twilight, is it possible for your mana to collect in your chest?”

“It’s quite possible, but can you be a little more specific? Can you point it out?” She asked hopefully.

“I think it’s my heart.” I answered, tapping my chest.

Her face fell by a fraction. “Oh.”

“Hoping I was something special?” I gave her a bemused smile.

“No, you are special, you’re just… Well, the easiest way to say this is that you’re going to have a hard time using magic since the mana in your heart might need to be there.” She pursed her lips to the side. “We can still test for your MR, but I’m not sure if it would even be worth your time to dig into magic for anything other than academic interest. Why don’t you let me run a test just to double check and make sure, okay?”

I held up the MR tester thing. “What do you want me to do with this?”

“Can you try making your mana flow from your heart to your hands? It should be easy with your MRP.”

“MRP?” I asked, trying to do the thing she told me to do.

“Mana Residue Pockets.” She explained. “If your MRP really is in your heart, then it shouldn’t be hard to get it out, which is why having your mana flow through there is so dangerous. If you’re a particularly low rank, you might even feel faint from just testing your MR.”

I shrugged again and shuddered as I felt the mana start seeping through my veins. It wasn’t an unwelcome feeling or anything, but it was new and alien, which meant that I wasn’t terribly fond. However, I pushed through my comfortable discomfort as the mildly prickly feeling reached my fingertips and Twilight watched carefully as the needle on the little devices meter rose. When it stopped, she gave me a bright smile and bounced in place for a second which would have been nicer if she had a little more to jiggle with.

“Ah! You’re in the clear!” She cried happily. “Now first things first; don’t go around using magic willy-nilly, Mister. At least not without me supervising. With your condition, a simple ignition spell could turn a candle’s flame into a ten foot high tornado of blazing badness, and that would be bad because…?” She tried to Aesop my ass or some shit.

“Well, I’d rather not light anything on fire.” I said uneasily.

“That’s a good answer, but the best one would be because you wouldn’t be able to get away from it. When all your mana is spent, you’re either going to be incredibly sluggish or you’re going to faint then and there, but with your MRP being in your heart, you might not get back up.” She said, frowning deeply. “I need you to avoid using any sort of magic for a little while until I can get a tool from my former mentor so we can limit the amount of Magic you use. Being a ‘C’ Rank Medeis means that you’ll probably get some flak from jealous people from all of the Paths since you’re actually a bit above average, but don’t let that go to your head!”

I chuckled. “It’s not like I can do anything with the magic I have anyway, so they can talk all they want. It doesn't matter at the beginning of the day, let alone the end.”

“That’s a good mindset to have! If you were like your brother, I’d just lock your Magic entirely.” Twilight giggled.

I didn’t really like that. “And why would you do that?”

“I can’t imagine him using magic for anything other than nefarious reasons. You, however, seem like you’d use it for the greater good.” Twilight smiled at me.

I gave her a half smile in return. “I’d probably use it to make my life easier to be honest with you.”

She gave me a look like I’d said something obvious. “Well, it’s natural for you to use your magic and special talent to make a decent living for yourself.”

I showed her my right forearm. “Don’t really have a special talent.”

She scratched her cheek before tucking her hair behind her ear. “Huh. Would you look at that. Does Ty have a special talent?”

“I dunno. I didn’t check his arm out. I mean, I don’t think we really have special talents, but if we’re apparently members of different clans that we didn’t think we were a part of, then I guess it’s possible.”

“Exactly! You know, I have a rune that will expose your special talent.” Twilight wriggled her brows at me.

“Why would you ever need something like that?” I asked, immediately suspicious. I didn’t let it show in my voice and played it off as being amused.

She still froze and had to come up with a half-baked lie. “W-Well, sometimes young adults like yourself can’t find their special talent, so I helped engineer a rune that would at least let them see what it is, even if it isn’t permanent.”

“Ah, cool. I have a feeling I know what my special talent would be, but it’s probably not gonna do me much good here.”

'Then get hip to Arcadian rules, mate. You’ll go far if you mix magic and mechanics.' A distinctly British male voice whispered in my ear. The Torch Bearer was watching out for me, or he was just watching to see what was going on. Either way, I was sure that he’d given Ty and I the tools we would need to get along since he doesn’t fuck you unless you can handle it most of the time. At least, that’s what people say.

“Oh? What do you think your special talent is?” Twilight asked interestedly.

“Probably something to do with mechanical engineering, though the closest thing Applejack said you guys have is tinkering.”

She rolled her eyes. “Applejack should know better. We have mechanical engineers, it’s just that they tend to be in big cities since that’s where most of the manufacturing and industrial jobs are. I actually know a couple, but it’d be interesting to see what type of machines a being from a different planet’s worked on.”

I grinned. “I had a knack for old shit, but I was always a gear head. Get me a decent mix of scrap and I can probably make you something?”

“Well, I do produce a lot of magical and metal scrap.” Twilight made a face. “If you want to do something with it, then it’s yours. I only go digging through my scrap piles when I need to find a big enough shard of a crystal for an enchantment… Or… Something.” She facepalmed.

“Something wrong, Purps?” I asked politely.

She opened her eyes and gave me an exasperated smirk. “You can probably enchant things. Certain enchantments take a fixed amount of Magic that won't drain you, no matter how much mana slips away from you, and you have plenty to work with if you’d like to make a business out of it. You’re pretty lucky if you ignore where your MRP is, and if you do then you get to start looking at the types of enchantments you can do! You know, after we figure out your special talent.”

“Sounds like some pretty cool stuff.” I handed her the MR thing and it disappeared from her hands, so I stared because a thing that was there was suddenly not there.

“... Jay?”

“Did you do that?” I asked incredulously.

“... You mean Teleport the MR device back to its hook?”

“Yeah.”

“Then yes.”

“Dope. Dope as fuck.”

“I-Is that a good thing?” Twilight inquired anxiously.

“Uh, yeah. It's some good shit.” I ran a hand over my tied-back hair.

“Don’t people normally swear when they’re upset?”

“Not upset. Just a little shock and awe is all.” I replied, shaking off the worst of the surprise. “Does that take a set amount of magic too?”

“Well, it depends on the mass of the object and the distance of the teleportation, and if both increase, then the mana cost increases exponentially”

“So I shouldn’t try it.” I surmised.

“That’s not why you shouldn’t try. You have to be at least a B Rank to easily teleport things around, and since your mana can be sapped out of you by a spell more easily than any other kind of Medeis, it’s extremely dangerous for you to try at all. You could successfully send whatever you want, but it might end up halfway across the world with dire consequences on both ends. You can probably enchant because it's not technically spellcasting.”

“So what would happen if I wanted to do, like, a fireball spell and held onto my last drop of mana before I passed out?”

“Well, the fireball would be enormous,” She said like it was obvious, “and whatever you threw it at wouldn’t be untoasted for much longer.”

“So don’t do that either.”

“It’s easier to tell you the things you can do than the things you can’t.” Twilight sighed. “It’s always at least a little sad to see someone with a heart MRP learn that a lot of their possibilities are going to be closed off.”

“Are there a lot of people like me?” I asked.

“Less than a quarter of a percent of the Medeis population. It’s actually the least studied MRP since it’s so rare.”

“And having your MRP be in your head isn’t rare?”

“Cranial MRP’s are the second rarest, but even then they still make up about five percent of the population compared to the fraction of one that the heart MRP has.”

“So five percent of the population could just up and become a Sanguis at any time?”

Twilight huffed. “Please. If it was easy, Icarians would do it.” She covered her mouth and closed her eyes. “Darn it! I’m not biased against any of the Paths, Jay, it’s just something my parents have said for years.”

“Racism by any other name.” I snorted. “You’re cool, but just know that talking crap about people because of what they were born as is a ridiculous concept.”

“I know and I agree!” Twilight said, sounding desperate. “I really wasn’t trying to spread more of that awful hate-speech around, you know? It never does anyone any good anyway.”

“Ay, as long as your aware. Wanna go see what my Mana Mark is?” I asked, offering her another out.

She smiled gratefully. “I’d be delighted. If you really are a mechanical type of guy, then I’m sure Applejack wouldn’t mind if I hired you to help me from time to time.”

I gave her a look. “I want you to claim me too. You don’t have to hire me for anything.”

Twilight gave me an odd look. “Two things: First, if you want multiple women to claim you, then you’re the one claiming. Second, it’s very illegal to ask your spouse to work without pay, and more illegal to let them talk you into working for free, so whether I have to hand you the coins myself or give them to Applejack, I need you to take them. It’s kinda my job to make sure people follow the law, and I can’t really have you breaking it.”

I gave her an odd look. “Wait, are you the Mayor or something?”

She gave me a happy smile. “I’m not the Mayor, but it’s still my duty to make sure that people are content, safe, and treated well.”

“I’m sorry, but you just don’t strike me as a cop.”

Twilight giggled at that for some odd reason. “I’m not a police officer either, and I’m not telling you what my job is.”

“Is that a solid no, or can I weasel it out of you?”

“It’s a solid-” She tried as I kissed her. Twilight didn’t give me any reason to stop, so I gave her some affection the good old fashioned way.

“You were saying?” I asked after I gave her a sec to get into it.

“... It might change how you feel about me.” Twilight said, biting her lip.

“I’ll give you another kiss if you tell me.” I bounced my brows up and down.

Before she could answer, there were a few knocks from the door at the top of the stairs, followed by quick footsteps. I stepped away from Twilight as Ty came into view, his shirt inside out and his belt not quite stuffed properly into the last loop. “Alright, so what’d I miss?”

“Well, I got dibs on Twilight, bitch.” I grinned.

“Nigga please.” He groaned. “I am swimmin’ in pussy so deep right now, like, you don’t even understand. I still don’t know that cop’s name, but her roommate came home for lunch and the party really started bangin’, na’mean?”

“Wait, you just got back from sleeping with an on-duty officer!?” Twilight shouted.

Ty shot her a dirty look. “Yeah. Authority pussy tastes the best.”

Twilight colored, but she’d already been turning red. Struggling to stay calm, she asked, “Would you mind pointing that officer out for me sometime?”

“Yeah, I would. I plan on smashin’ again, and if I get her fired, then I doubt that’s happenin’.” Ty barked out a laugh.

She crossed her arms and sent him a dark look. “Tyler, I understand that you enjoy intimate activities and plan to continue them in the future, but that officer took an oath-”

Ty snapped excitedly and pointed at me. “Yo, ay! She swore she’d be my cumdump, bruh! Like, on some real! Any time, anywhere!”

“Do you understand how rude you’re being right now?” Twilight asked icily.

“Tch. Get over yourself, dollface. You ain’t no one’s boss.”

“Ay man, little harsh.” I said softly.

“So I’m just supposed to let her come at me all sortsa fuckin’ sideways?” He asked.

I pursed my lips. “You don’t care as much as she does.”

“And I’m just trying to keep my town safe! We can’t have officers slacking off just to go run around and have sex with the first guy they lay eyes on!” Twilight said sharply.

Ty rolled his eyes. “You won’t catch me snitchin’. Got me fucked up.”

Twilight looked to me. “What did that mean?”

“He’s not telling on officer copper-”

“So it was Copper!” Twilight exclaimed.

“What?” Ty and I asked at the same time.

“There’s a cop named ‘Copper’?” I asked like Twilight had lost her damn mind.

She was still upset from earlier, so she was still salty. “You already admitted it-”

“No, Twilight, copper is a slang term for a cop. It’s old as fuck, but it just means cop. I wasn’t pointing fingers, I was saying ‘cop cop’.”

She narrowed her eyes at me. “Oh really?”

“Yes, really.” I said evenly. “We were unaware of that ridiculous name.”

Twilight frowned. “How’s Copper Vein a ridiculous name?”

“It’s not ridiculous, Officer Copper is ridiculous.” Ty clarified.

Purps pointed a judicious finger at him. “It might be ridiculous, but I still want the name of that officer!”

“You’re not gettin’ it.” He replied drily. “Give up and let Jay stick his finger in your nose or something.”

Twilight drew herself up to her full height, which was like, five feet and maybe an inch. “Either you give me that name, or I have you arrested, Ty. I don’t want to do that.”

I placed a hand on Twilight’s arm. “Hey, that’s a little unnecessary here, Purps.”

Ty picked his ear while Twilight continued. “I’ll know if you lie to me too, so-”

“Save your breath and arrest me, then.” Ty barked. “What charges are they gonna put on me? I said I slept with a cop, but no one knows which one, and it’s all based on my word.” Ty snorted. “You don’t got a case, babe. Quit being Frozen in time and let it go.”

“Don’t be a fucking fairy.” I chided.

“Disney shit is the best shit, bitch.” Ty challenged.

Twilight took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Did you sleep with an officer from Magiville?”

“Hell yeah, shit was dope.” Ty said automatically, surprising himself.

“And that’s all I need. I’m sorry that I have to do this, Tyler, but you shouldn’t have bragged about this one.” She sighed.

“Twilight, come on-” I tried.

“I’m duty bound, Jay. It’s my responsibility.” Purps said sadly.

Ty bolted and he made it up the stairs before he reappeared in the same spot he’d been, just face down on the ground. After a loud grunt, he said, “What the fuck!?”

I dodged around runes on my way over to him until my feet stuck to the floor, so I turned and saw Twilight coming closer. She patted my arm before crossed the distance between Ty and I, but when I tried to grab her, my arms wouldn’t move either. “Twilight, come on! It’s not that big a deal!”

She turned and gave me a sad smile. “I have to make sure that the law is followed to the letter, Jay. It’s my job.”

“Are you on duty?” I asked, trying to make her see some shade of reason.

“My job is the life I live.” She sighed heavily, a lot more stress than someone younger than me should have ringing through the exhalation.

I didn’t get to say anything as she teleported away, but I did get unstuck, so I ran upstairs, gun drawn, looking for a hostage. Twilight appeared in front of me, so I stuck my gun in her face and said, “Move and die. Where is my brother.” My voice was the same as it always was when I got serious. Low and smooth, calm and assured. Really the only moments where I feel like I’m in my element.

Twilight looked down the barrel, though I’m sure it was too dark for her to see the ten millimeter piece of lead staring back at her. “Jay, what you’re doing is a serious crime that I’m willing to forgive if you put that away.”

“Don’t ask me to repeat myself.”

“Jay, I’m warning you-”

I blew a hole in the floor between her feet, never breaking eye contact as my gun whipped back into position. “Final warning.”

Twilight closed her eyes, so I moved to try and graze her, but stopped halfway through the action to my dismay. She opened her eyes again and snuck her way into my arms. “I’m gonna let this go because I know you’re just worried about your brother. I’ve killed for my brothers before too, Jay, but going against me is a death sentence.”

“... Wait, what the fuck?” I whispered. Things started sliding into place, little questions that I’d had about Applejack and a few that had popped up about  Twilight earlier, like why Applejack knew I was dangerous and that Ty was damn near harmless. It also drew me to believe that some of Twilight runes were interrogation circles, and my mind started running wild with the dark undertones that the paradise was presenting.

Twilight took my gun from me and closed my arms around herself with a giggle and an abrupt cough. “I mean, don’t dig too deeply into that, Jay. Sometimes a Princess just needs to take care of business when people come after her family.”

“... What the fuck is my life right now.” I murmured, freaking the fuck out, yet not able to vibrate properly because of the magic in place. Apparently that was a real bad kinda bad because I blacked out, most likely because I was choking.

All in all, my day had started pretty well, gotten pretty fucking great with the advent of the perfect Princess posterior, and then it went straight to shit. When I woke up, I drew a conclusion that is a common, well known fact around Arkaid, and that is that introducing magic into your life fucks it up, one way or another. In the moment, it was a moment of pure ‘HOLY SHIT” mixed “AWW PHUQ”, which were both things I said shortly after waking up, but that’s a story for another time.