Rainbow Dash is a pretty good friend and boss to me, but she does have one minor flaw. That is her need to frequently pull pranks on ponies. Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind having a bit of a laugh every now and again. I certainly had a lot of fun messing with my brother come April 1st. But RD orchestrates these major plots and schemes seemingly every other week. I’ve been caught out more than once.
They’re usually pretty harmless, jump scares and practical jokes. Dash seems to have an endless supply of costumes. And with her Wonderbolt salary, she has seemingly infinite resources at her disposal. While it might be funny at first, after the first eight or nine times, it can get pretty grating. Particularly as I’ve never been able to get her back; she’s very good at spotting pranks a mile off.
That’s her only real vice though. Other than that, and her occasionally overinflated ego, Rainbow Dash is a good pony. Still, I wouldn’t mind seeing her taken down a peg for once.
Every now and then, somepony in the weather patrol has to go off on what the ponies up in Cloudsdale call a ‘Long range meteorological analysis survey’. In the Princesses’ Equish, that means flying out a fair old way and checking on any and all weather patterns surrounding our area of operations. In short, it means flying up and down the entire Canterhorn valley, from Canterlot all the way south to Appleloosa. It was a long trip that would take about four or five days to complete.
It was a difficult job. For one thing, you had to spend the better part of your week by yourself. Cloudsdale provided a small stipend for accommodation and food, but not much else. But it also quite a lot of work; every single storm, cloud formation and pressure change has to be noted down and written up into a final monthly report upon your return. Conversely, you do get excused from all other duties for that week. But I’d much rather be doing regular weather work than traipsing all over Equestria.
Take a wild guess who drew the short straw this month? Yeah, me.
So, come Monday morning, with my saddlebags full of bedding, snacks, warm clothing and a few other essentials, I took off. I would be leaving Fluttershy on her own with Angel, although Discord was going to check in at his usual weekly slot as well. I was a little nervous; I’d never done an extended patrol like this before, and it seemed like a tall order.
Everypony from the patrol, as well as my family gather at Fluttershy’s to wish me well on my journey. It was nice to have a chance to say bye to everypony at once; I can’t stand long goodbyes. Heck, the feeling of homesickness was already starting to creep into my stomach.
“You’ll be fine out there, Lizzie,” Flight reassured me. “I know it seems like a lot to do, but it’s really just four or five days flying a circuit. You’ll be back in Ponyville before you know it.”
“Thunderlane’s right,” my dad added. “You used to go off on trips with your mates like this all the time, try and see it like that.”
Mum meanwhile just gave me a hug. While we don’t often see each other too much, the knowledge that I’d be out of town was making her a little teary as well. Finally, Fluttershy wished me well on my voyage.
“I’ll see you in a few days, Lizzie,” she said reassuringly.
Double checking my saddlebags one last time, I wrapped my flying scarf around my neck and put on my flying goggles, keeping them positioned just above my eyes for the moment. I had a map to hoof with my route outlined. Today, I would be flying up to Canterlot and settling down on its outskirts.
“Okay, everypony,” I said, preparing to take off. “I’ll see you all in about a week.”
“Bye, Lizzie,” everyone said, waving me off.
Jumping into the air, I found flying a bit of a challenge, given how I was presently weighed down with kit. As I went through my food supply though, that would steadily lessen. Flapping hard, I hauled myself into the air and soon the cottage, as well as Ponyville, was far behind me.
The flight north was fairly routine. I’d been up to Canterlot a few times with Mum and her friend Milano for a shopping trip, so it wasn’t as if the area was unfamiliar to me. I simply headed straight for that huge castle that sits on the edge of the mountain. I get building a castle in the middle of the Everfree Forest, but why build another one on the edge of a mountain? One bad earthquake and the whole thing could just fall away. Still, given that that city has stood for over a millennia without trouble, I guess it’s fairly safe. Princess Celestia wouldn’t have made it her seat of government otherwise.
The only other thing I had to contend with was the increased security. Being the capital and home to two of the princesses, the Royal Guard keep the city under a constant watch, with patrols in the air and on the ground. I had papers with me identifying me as a weather patrol officer, and the guard was typically kept informed of weather pegasi operations in and around the city. But every now and again, you’d get a challenge.
And it seemed that was what was happening now. As I passed over Whitetail Wood, I was buzzed by a squad of pegasi in Royal Guard armour. They didn’t attack, they simply passed very close to me as a warning, and then took station all around me.
“Where do you think you’re going?” one of them asked me rather roughly. Still, Dad had taught me to always be polite to the rozzers.
“Weather Patrol,” I replied, holding out my ID. “Heading up to Canterlot and then doubling back to Appleloosa on long range job.” The guard scrutinised my ID for a moment.
“Fair enough,” he said after checking it. He waved for the others to move away from me and adopt a less threatening escort pattern.
“Who are you guys anyway?” I asked innocently. “I wasn’t expecting to run into any patrols until I got nearer Canterlot.”
“We’re the 8492nd Guard Unit,” one of them explained. “We’re…er…on a training exercise out here. We saw you headed up towards Canterlot and wanted to make sure everything was alright.”
I didn’t know why until several days later, but something felt off about this lot. None of them would meet my gaze and something just seemed…not quite right about them. They continued to escort me towards Canterlot for a few more minutes before breaking off and heading back toward Whitetail Wood, where I saw them land. Again, that struck me as a little odd. Weren’t all the Royal Guards based in Canterlot?
Anyway, I continued north and before long reached the city. I had to be a little careful now. For obvious reasons Canterlot Castle is a serious no-fly zone, as in they will tackle you out of the air if you stray inside. It was a bit of a shame I would be reaching Canterlot today. Had I got here tomorrow, I might have been able to run into Dad on his way to and from Day Court at the castle.
Passing the glittering city below me, I continued to work my way around the mountain. It may look like a very sharp peak from way back in Ponyville, but the Canterhorn is a pretty damn big thing to fly around. Flying just above Canterlot’s altitude, it took me the better art of two hours to completely circle it. By that time it was getting on for sunset, and time for me to look for somewhere to spend the night.
While it was possible for me to navigate by stars and streetlights, my eyesight wasn’t really up to the job. No matter how many carrots I ate (that’s actually a lie the RAF came up with to hide the fact they had airborne radar by the way) my eyesight would never be anywhere near as good as a thestrals. And if I couldn’t clearly see and identify weather patterns, then there was little point in me flying. Plus I was getting worn out as it was.
So after passing the centre of Canterlot, which is way beyond my paygrade, I set down on the city’s outskirts. Flight had given me a list of decent bed and breakfast places I could stay in for each leg of the trip. I quickly found my way to the one I wanted. A few minutes later, I was checked in and having a simple dinner. By nine, I was in bed. I had an early start the next morning if I wanted to reach my next stopover on time.
I won’t talk too much about the rest of the trip. It was fairly uneventful, and mostly pretty boring. On my way south, I didn’t come across the 8492nd Guard Unit again, and there was no sign of them as I passed over Whitetail Wood. I thought that was, again, a little strange. Guards were typically stationed in a fixed spot. While I might not have run into the same group, I should have met somepony if there was a guard post there.
Heading south, I passed by Ponyville, skirting around the other side of the Everfree Forest. The forest stood between me and Fluttershy’s cottage, and the rest of Ponyville. Following the railways, I passed between Ghastly Gorge and Froggy Bottom Bog. As I passed over some rather thick woodland, I could have sworn that I saw some sort of stone structure, kind of like Stonehenge back on Earth. I ended my second day of flying around there, stopping off at a rather quaint roadside inn.
On my third day, I continued south, passing by Dodge Junction. After that the Macintosh Range came into view. While it might share its name with a certain red stallion back home, there was no relation between the two. This vast mountain range marked my end point. Appleloosa lay in a plain just ahead of the range. And beyond them lay the Badlands, where the changelings had been sent packing, though where they went afterwards was a mystery to anypony.
That was also the same day I reached Appleloosa. It was my first visit to Equestria’s southern frontier. The land beyond was still unexplored, consisting mainly of desert inhabited by the buffalo tribes. Appleloosa itself though was welcoming farming town, surrounded by apple trees. Some of these were transplants from Sweet Apple Acres and were owned by Applejack’s cousin, Braeburn. I actually met him when I arrived in town; a nice enough guy if a little…odd.
Day four saw me head up to the Macintosh Range before turning back north again and making for home. It took one more day to get back to Ponyville. And let me tell you, I would be glad for it. Five days on the road was tiring, never mind all the paperwork I had to write up at the end of each day. I’d booked myself a whole day at the spa with Rarity and Fluttershy to recuperate.
One more thing you ought to know. As part of my little care package, Dash had given me a few biscuits (yes, biscuits, not cookies. Unlike my brother, I still hold onto my British tongue), which the CMC were selling. As I pulled them out of my saddlebag, I couldn’t help but notice something hidden beneath them. Pushing the biscuits aside, I saw a note with a single word; ‘Gotcha!’.
I laughed shook my head, thanking my lucky stars I hadn’t taken a bite. Celestia only knows what was in them, and I didn’t plan on finding out.
“You’re getting rusty in your old age, Dash,” I said to myself as I stowed them back in my saddlebags. She really does need to learn to ease off on the pranks though. Five days out in the wilderness is the last time I want to have to deal with something like that.
A few hours later and Ponyville was in sight. I was going to touch down at Town Hall to meet up with Dash and then head to Fluttershy’s so I could finish writing up my final report. After that, I was going to crawl into bed and sleep for a thousand years.
Dropping my altitude, I flew over the centre of town. Something seemed off. For one thing, there were a bunch of medium sized storm clouds hanging around that were creating an overcast effect all around town. The schedule called for clear skies until early next week. Then there was the fact that it was so quiet. At this time of day, the town below ought to have been bustling with ponies at the market. But the whole town seemed all but deserted. There wasn’t a soul to be seen. Something was definitely up.
Descending again, now to almost rooftop level, I began to orbit the town, looking for somepony, anypony really. But try as I might, I couldn’t find anypony. There was nothing; the whole town seemed deserted.
Concerned, I landed at my pre-arranged spot at town hall. Nopony came out to greet me or anything. All that could be heard was the wind and my own breathing. I began to make my way to Twilight’s castle. If something was up, that place would both likely be the best shelter, and my best hope for finding out what the hay was going on.
As I made my way through town, I noticed something strange. All over the place, there were these discarded empty cookie boxes, the same as the one Dash had given me. There were dozens of them, scattered about all over the shop. All of them were torn open as well.
Finally, I came to the statue of Celestia near the centre of town. It was here that I finally found some ponies I knew. There was Dash, standing in the middle of the square. And by the fountain, hunched over a box of cookies, gorging themselves furiously, were Twilight and Spike. All three had their backs to me.
Dash looked okay, if a little spooked. Twilight and Spike on the other hoof, did not look well. Twilight’s coat and mane seemed to have dulled in colour. Not to monochrome levels like when Discord messed with her head, but the colour was subdued nonetheless. The same could be said of Spike; his scales had less of a sheen to them.
As I looked on at their strange behaviour, Dash called out to her two friends.
“Twilight!” she shouted, panting from exertion. “You gotta come with me to Sugarcube Corner! Something's going on with the Cakes! Well, not something exactly. I mean, it may have something to do with these joke cookies…” she trailed off for a moment.
Twilight and Spike both paused in their strange behaviour. Getting up, they slowly, and unsteadily, turned to face Rainbow Dash. What I saw freaked me out, big time.
The both of them looked decidedly unwell. Their eyes were bloodshot and their mouths were stained with a sort of rainbow colour, consisting of yellow, orange, purple and blue stripes. The pair of them moaned as if in pain, but their eyes showed no emotion. They just stared with unblinking pinprick eyes and groaned at us.
“Cookies!” they both moaned. “More cookies!”
That was more than enough for Dash and me too. Without apparently seeing me, Dash took off and bolted in the direction of Sweet Apple Acres as fast as her hooves could carry her. I meanwhile, not really thinking at this point, took of in the opposite direction.
So, SITREP; Ponyville appears to be infested with cookie obsessed zombies. That was a new one. Worse still, Twilight, the pony most likely to be able to fix things had already succumbed to the infection. I remembered the box of cookies in my own saddlebags. I quickly threw them away, in case the zombie ponies picked up the smell.
I kept running, with no particular destination in mind, only stopping when I was near the edge of town and crouched safely behind a house. What the buck was I going to do?!I’d seen more of those things on the way here. It looked as though the whole town was infected. My thoughts flew to my parents, Bones, Fluttershy; everypony I knew. Had they all fallen victim to this thing?
I tried to think of everything I could remember about zombies. These ones at least didn’t seem to move fast and couldn’t fly. So I ought to be safe on a cloud. But how did you stop them? Well, the movies always said that you had to hit them in the head to truly stop them.
I looked around; for once, my luck was in. Leaning against the back door of the house I was currently hiding behind, was a medium sized wooden cricket bat. Why it was there I have no clue; there’s no such thing as cricket in Equestria, and Dad always said that Britain’s greatest mistake was teaching foreigners how to play it. Still, it was weapon of sorts. Picking it up, I clutched it like my life depended on it.
I soon had an opportunity to test my theory too. A moment later, my hiding place was discovered. Filthy Rich, clearly infected, stumbled around the corner and moaned at me. Well, at least it was somepony I didn’t mind thumping in the head.
With one hard swing, I nailed the zombie right on the noggin. The groaning briefly became more pronounced, and then zombie Filthy fell down on the floor and stopped moving. If you’ll pardon the pun, I bowled him out. He was still alive though, since I could see him breathing, so I quickly made myself scarce.
Running out of Ponyville proper, I quickly leaped into the air again and the comparative safety it offered. I soon returned to my orbiting pattern over the town. As I climbed higher, I picked out…what I suppose you’d call a horde. There were about thirty odd zombies all heading towards Sweet Apple Acres, where Rainbow had run off to. There was no way I was taking on that lot with a cricket bat.
I thought about Bones again, and my parents. Had they been infected? Mum and Dad might not be susceptible. I tried to think about what to do.
I realised that, as far as I knew, this weird infection seemed to be confined to Ponyville, at least for the moment. I’d left Appleloosa a day ago, and there was no sign of anything going wrong down that way. I could get help.
Canterlot seemed like the best bet. The princesses and the Royal Guard were there and could surely help undo whatever the hell was going on. Heck, if I was lucky, Dad was up there too and had been out of town when this outbreak happened.
With a vague plan in my head, I changed my course and flew as fast as my wings could carry me towards Canterlot. I’m fairly sure I got close to performing a rainboom one or two times. I was really shifting along as I sped through the sky. I actually didn’t notice the six guards draw level with me.
“Hey, you there. Where the hay do you think you’re going?” a voice demanded.
I looked over and saw a white pegasus in full armour struggling to keep pace with me. I recognised him almost instantly. It was that same group of guards I’d run into a few days early. I quickly checked my headlong flight.
“Oh thank Celestia!” I exclaimed, looking to the guards that surrounded me. “Listen, there’s been some kind of outbreak in Ponyville. There’s bucking zombies walking the streets! I need you to get everypony you can together to help get things under control.” The guards all looked to each other.
“Right,” one of them said, sounding unconvinced. “You haven’t been feeling unwell have you? You haven’t had a bit of salt?” I was flabbergasted.
“What? No!” I shouted. “Listen, I need to get up to Canterlot to see the princesses.” I made to fly away but was stopped as a hoof grabbed my foreleg.
“I think you ought to come back with us to our outpost,” one of them said. “We can sort this out there.” I brushed him off.
“Are you deaf?!” I asked, exasperatedly. “I don’t have time to chit chat. I’m going up to Canterlot to warn everypony about this.”
With that, I flew away from the group. Two of them tried to block me in, the group having formed a circle around me. I quickly dodged them by diving and began to make for Canterlot. They quickly gave chase, ordering me to stop. Their reactions made no sense. You’d have thought something as serious as what I was telling them would get them to at least take a look. I was still perplexed as to why they were out here.
As it turned out, I had the speed advantage on them. Despite being guards, none of them were particularly good flyers, and they had a hard time keeping up. I even began to gain a lead. They were all going like hummingbirds, their wings flapping far too fast to be effective, I could have sworn I ever heard a buzzing sound because they were flapping so hard.
Even stranger, as I got in range of Canterlot, where they would logically catch me, the six guards suddenly broke off their pursuit and returned back the way they had come.
Still going like a bat pony out of Tartarus, I made for the castle. Landing hard at the front gates, I quickly explained to the guards on duty there that there was an emergency in Ponyville, and that I needed to see Princess Celestia immediately. Unlike the six that had chased me here, these guards quickly ushered me inside.
There was a medium sized queue to the throne room doors; petitioners to the Day Court. Being British, I dutifully took my place at the back of the line. The guards in response all but dragged me to the front and had the two on watch at the doors open them up, interrupting proceedings.
I found myself in the large, opulent throne room. A few other guards, secretarial staff, and a very surprised looking Fancy Pants turned to look at us. Princess Celestia meanwhile, looked on with calm curiosity.
“Is there a problem, my little pony?” she asked the guard that had brought me to the foot of the dais. The guard quickly explained what I had told him. Celestia turned to one of her aides.
“Fetch Captain Strong Shield down here at once,” she commanded. The pony quickly hurried off. She then turned back to me.
“I will send rescue and medical teams to Ponyville right away, Elisabeth,” she said. “And let me reassure you that your father is here, and quite well.” That was load off my mind.
“Thank you for that, your highness,” I replied, remembering my manners. “I’m just glad I ran into some guards who believed me. The ones I met near Whitetail Wood thought I was bonkers.” Celestia didn’t show it, but the two guards at her throne looked at each in other in surprise.
“Whitetail Wood?” she repeated. “What guards did you meet there?” Her voice wasn’t demanding, she merely sounded a little curious.
“I ran into about half a dozen Royal Guards somewhere between Ponyville and Canterlot. They called themselves the 8492nd Guard Unit.” Again, the two guards looked at each other, bewildered. Celestia frowned.
“Hmm, that is strange,” Celestia muttered. At the moment, Strong Shield came into the throne room. “Ah, Captain Strong Shield.” The disguised changeling saluted the princess.
“You sent for me, your highness?” he asked. Celestia summarised the situation.
“I want you to take Elisabeth and six of your best ponies down to Ponyville. Find out what is happening down there and report back .Rescue ponies in distress if possible.” Strong Shield nodded in understanding.
A few minutes later and I was flying back toward Ponyville with Strong Shield and six other guardsponies by my side. I was quite glad Princess Celestia had picked Strong Shield. I sort of know him through both my brother and my dad. Other than Shining Armor, I can’t think of any other guard I trust more.
Our small group was fairly quiet as we steadily got closer to Ponyville. For me though, the silence was deafening. Dad might have been alright, but I couldn’t stop thinking about Mum, Bones, Fluttershy and all my friends still in town. To try and distract myself I started talking to Strong Shield.
“What was up with Princess Celestia and the other guards back there?” I asked. Strong Shield turned to look at me.
“What do you mean?” he replied.
“When I told her about that group of guards I ran into, she looked surprised. So did a few of the guards there.” Strong Shield had just missed that conversation, and was a bit out of the loop.
“What group of guards?” he enquired. I quickly explained about the 8492nd. Strong Shield too got a look of confusion.
“Well, I can see why they were all so confused, kid,” he said. “There is no 8492nd Guard Unit. Heck, as far as I know, there isn’t any unit in Equestria’s military with that number.”
“So who were they then?” I asked, suddenly fearful, particularly when I remembered how they’d tried to get me to follow them to Whitetail Wood. Strong Shield shrugged his shoulders.
“No idea,” he replied. “We’ll worry about that later. Right now we’ve got bigger problems.”
That we did. We had a town full of zombies to deal with. At least I still had cricket bat.
However, as we descended down towards the town and flew over town hall, I couldn’t help but notice more than a few obvious changes.
For one thing, the previously overcast sky was now clear, just as it was supposed to be. Second, the town was no longer deathly silent. And third, Ponyville’s high street was filled with dozens of perfectly alive, non-zombie ponies. Including ones I’d seen mindlessly feasting on cookies not a half hour ago. My reaction was therefore understandable.
“What the buck?!” I exclaimed, causing a couple mothers to cover their foals’ ears and glare at me in annoyance. Strong Shield looked at me curiously.
“But…but,” I stammered in bewilderment. “They were zombies!” Strong Shield snorted.
“Those don’t look like zombies to me, kid,” he replied. “Maybe we ought to get you to a doctor after all.”
It made no sense. I’d seen it all with my own two eyes. I wasn’t dreaming or hallucinating. For pony’s sake, I still had a bit of blood on my coat from when I nailed that zombie in the jaw. How could everything suddenly be alright again?
Luckily for me, things were about to become abundantly clear. Right on cue, Thunderlane swooped in and joined our little formation.
“Lizzie! You’re back!” he exclaimed. “We were starting to get a bit worried about you.” I was too frazzled to say much back. Strong Shield had a few questions though.
“Sir, this may sound a little crazy, but have there been any…zombies around here lately?” Thunderlane laughed and, to my relief, nodded his head.
“Oh, is that why you guys are here?” Thunderlane replied off hoofedly. “Yeah, Pinkie Pie put together a little prank to get back at Rainbow Dash and we all pitched in; something to do with some cookies of hers.”
At Thunderlane’s explanation, I felt equal amounts of relief, embarrassment and anger. On the one hand, nopony was a zombie. But I had probably sent all of Canterlot into a panic with my report and now I looked deeply stupid. Seeing my curious state, Thunderlane tried to talk to me.
“Hey, Lizzie, you okay?” he asked. “You’ve, er, you’ve got a bit of red on your coat, just there.” He pointed to my chest.
Wait a minute. If nopony was a zombie….then Filthy….oh boy.
Luckily, with help from Twilight and my dad, I was able to get things straightened out. And Filthy was kind enough not to press charges for my little assault. Although he did send me the bill for his filling,
Apparently, not long after I left, Pinkie, having found out about Rainbow’s plan to prank the town with joke cookies that left a rainbow coloured mess on your mouth, decided to hoist Rainbow with her own petard. Getting everypony in on the act, she had them all pretend to act like zombies. So Dash thought her joke cookies had caused it all. And then, right before she thought she was about to be eaten by cookie obsessed zombies, they revealed their huge prank to her. The whole point was to show her how some pranks are neither funny nor particularly nice if you aren’t in on them.
Unfortunately, Pinkie hadn’t accounted for my arrival halfway through the production. I was just as fooled as Rainbow was. The end result was that Dash was taught a lesson, I was somewhat embarrassed, and Princess Celestia was apparently laughing herself silly about the whole thing.
And dear God the jokes. For about a month afterwards, both Rainbow and I were subjected to zombie related jokes from Flight and the others. Even Dewdrop and Fluttershy good naturedly poked fun at us. Still, eventually things moved on, though I’d rather not undergo a repeat performance.
Even today though, when Dad really wants to get under my skin, he’ll point innocently at my coat and remark;
“You’ve got red on you.” And then he suggests we go to the pub.