We had started fighting when I had come back to Sweet Apple Acres to apologize and make amends with the pony I love more than my own life. I had realized how stupid it had been of me to treat her that way the moment I had finished my shouting and cursing, and since then I had been thinking of any possible way to beg her forgiveness and her tender love - of course, being the idiot I am, I didn't find any. I concluded that there was only one thing left to do: knock at her door and talk to her.
And so, after two long weeks of mourning and bitter regret, I had done it. Well, I had actually stopped and got to the ground far from the main house because I had spotted something orange among the trees. Believing it was either Applejack or her brother, I had decided to land a few feet away. And, unluckily, I had discovered it was Big Mac.
It's always been pretty hard to talk with him, he hated being the center of attention and often didn't even take part in the conversation, which slightly annoyed me. When it came to the subject of his family, then, he got even more silent - if possible - and simply smiled proudly. I never understood why he did so, and he would never explain. Yes, Applejack had told me countless times he wasn’t as loquacious as her, but she never said the reason. I always supposed it was a habit and generally paid him no attention.
However, as soon as he had seen me walking towards him, his muzzle had curled in a snarl and his ears had splayed back. I had raised my eyebrows in curiosity as this sudden change, but I was determined to face him nonetheless. There was something in his pace, in his restless tail, in his darting eyes, that was mutely warning me it was a bad time for the questions I was going to ask him.
"Hey, Big Mac!" In an attempt of friendliness, and as if I hadn't caught his angry expression at all, I trotted on the soft grass and smiled as I approached him. "Saw you here and thought I'd come down and say "hi" to my old, good friend!"
His severe look hadn't changed, not even for a second, but what had worried me most was that he hadn't replied with his typical monosyllable statement yet. Instead, he behaved as if I wasn't there and kept on picking up the red apples from the ground. I had sheepishly continued anyway.
"Say, did you see Applejack lately?" My uncertainty surely gave him the chance to turn against me, because he nervously stomped his hoof on the ground and tilted his head towards me, disgusted.
"Ya shouldn't even have the right t' call 'er name." My eyes widened and my wings folded more tightly to my body. He knew it all, then. He wasn't just in a bad mood; Applejack had told him everything. She had told him anything about us.
I gulped hard as my already troubled thoughts started running wildly in search of a reasonable way to discuss peacefully with the furious stallion.
"W-Well, you know, it's not really..."
"It's not really what it seems, Miss Dash? What's it, then? Mah sister's gone crazy and has made up all o' this?" He glared so deeply, so sourly, I had felt a sharp twinge in my heart. His unusual firm and enraged voice scared me, because I knew he was right and it was my fault. But, I was convinced, I had to fix that.
"Listen, I know it's my fault, I admit it and I'm not trying in any way to deny it. I just want to apologize and talk to her. Couples" I cringed a bit at the word, being still unfamiliar with it, "should t-talk about the problems they have. And try to solve them."
Big MacIntosh simply glowered at me, saying nothing for a few minutes that felt like an eternity. Deciding it was useless to keep on beating around the bush, I took a deep breath and splayed my ears back, feeling a bit more self-confident.
"Applejack and I have to talk. She must have a reason for breaking up with me all of a sudden, especially when there wasn't anything wrong between us. I just want to know why." I furrowed my brows and stepped forward, flicking my tail nervously.
Once again, the farmer didn't react. When I was about to speak again, though, he abruptly turned around to face me and looked straight into my eyes, while my body paralyzed in scare.
"You were what was wrong. Treatin' her like she was one of your other lovers, and thinkin' she'd never even notice!" His words hit me hard, because I knew they came from Applejack. Those words came from the pony who had sworn so many times her genuine love to me, and they were hateful, nasty ones.
But, I realized, they made no sense. The lovers he was talking about - I didn't have any. I had no reason to, if I wished nothing more than the orange mare by my side. And I'm certain she knew my loyal fondness of her, since she had never seemed to doubt it.
That's true, Applejack had been acting pretty funny the previous days, often rejecting my signs of affection when other ponies, even strangers, were nearby; and avoiding any talk regarding my (or her, for that matter) past. I had not inquired further about her behavior, but I had actually worried about it. It wasn't like her at all to not let me know about what was troubling her, so of course that had made me wonder.
Applejack had never had any serious relationship. When we were teens, I know she had a coltfriend of sorts and often hung out with him, but she had never talked about him as more than a friend. No romance, no candlelight dinners, no intimate moments, nothing at all. At least, not that she mentioned. After the night I had confessed her my feelings, she had behaved as if it was her first time, reacting in an adorable clumsy way at each new step of the relationship. Under this point of view, we were practically opposites: I had got my "experience" through several different stories and irresponsible adventures which had all lasted no more than a year or two, the longest ones being always sullied by my pathetic one-night escapades.
My flowing thoughts were roughly cut off by the brother’s rusty voice, still ready to reach my weakening heart and upset it with every blaming word. However, this time I didn't listen to him and instead found the courage to interrupt him.
"You don't even have anything to do with all of this! You have no idea how much her reaction - and my reaction - made me suffer in these bucking fourteen days, so now step aside and let me talk about this with AJ eye to eye!" Blinking, I suddenly felt all the guilt I had managed to inhibit plummet on me as I thought about how the farmpony had lived that fortnight. A million times worse than me... And all because of my stupid, careless outburst. If only I had talked to her back then...
Silence reigned over the two of us for endless instants, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized I had nothing to grasp on to win this battle, because I had thrown it all away that moonlit night. I'm sure Big Mac knew this, so he let the stillness stretch for as long as he wanted. He eventually broke it again, willing to throw his next blow.
"Ya know, Miss Dash, there are a lot o' things ya don't even realize they exist until someone tells ya that ya don't deserve 'em." He narrowed his eyes and got closer to me, letting me savour the bitter taste of remorse in every word he spoke. "Yeah, ya know, things like love." The red stallion clenched his teeth and pronounced the sentence as if he was spitting venom.
I backed, feeling as weak and as helpless as ever while something cool and wet ran down my cheek. He was right. He was damn right about it all, I didn't deserve her. As reality slowly hit me, I lowered my head and stared at the grass, breathing heavily and shivering slightly. The consequences of my rash rampage were standing right in front of me, mocking and jeering my worn soul as I made no attempt to think of a solution - after all, it was me the one to blame.
After hurting me some more with words I can't recall, expressing his sister's sorrow and his great disappointment and complete mistrust in me, Big MacIntosh finally ordered me to go away and leave his family in peace, for he wanted his sister to forget about me and live the life she merited. I had no intention to rebut, so I simply shot him one last rueful glance and finally took off, still untamed and with a last sparkle of tenacious stubbornness.
I didn't go that far, unfolding my wings as wide as I could as soon as I got to the right altitude. I let myself be carried by the warm autumn currents and flew higher and higher, not bothering to look down. Lost in my thoughts, I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate: I was not worth the mare I loved, she didn't deserve me. But I didn't want to leave her, not yet, not without getting to talk to her and beg her forgiveness for my careless act. Sighing, I realized that she probably wouldn't even listen to me, but reasoned I had to try anyway. I was not the one to lose so easily, especially to my all-time best challenger.
After all, it was my last chance to get her back.