“This next part’s...uh...I’m a little apprehensive about sharing this.” said Trey, looking over the next few entries. “It’s...detailed. And atypical of me...”
“Whatever you want to do is fine...” said Fluttershy, trying to let him know it was alright. She was very curious about him. Some things in there she’d never heard of...but she was also extremely eager to get to the part when he first met her. All in good time, she thought.
“I know I need to, but I don’t want to.” he said, lowering his head.
“...do you just want me to read it myself?”
“I...yes. But...don’t comment on it. I’m not proud of that part of my life.”
“Trey...I could never judge you.”
“Thanks.” Trey said, wiping a tear from his eye that had sprung out of fear. He was always worried something he’d do would threaten or compromise a relationship. When somepony as perfect as her was on the line, well...he couldn’t risk it. He reached out and hugged her tight, before handing her the journal. He opened it to the right page, and she began reading silently.
3-21-11
I messed up. (What’s new?) Over spring break, Lilly, my sister, decided to go to a beach. It’s her senior year, so she got to pick where we went. I hate the beach. Anyways, I somehow managed to find an unopened condom. You can see where this is going. Last night, Fleur and I met up. We haven’t seen each other in a while. Long story short, I wound up putting the condom on and penetrating her. It was great...but now all those second thoughts I decided to detain are flooding me. Should I have done it? Was it love or lust? Something makes me wish I hadn’t done it. The other part says that it was fine. Whatever the case, I messed up trying to be the one college colt not having sex. At least I won’t drink. I feel like I betrayed myself. Granted, I let Fleur make the decision, but I still feel like the last shred of dignity I had left went away, never to return again. At the time, we both said we wouldn’t/didn’t regret it, but I kinda do. I don’t regret doing it with her, I just regret doing it. We haven’t even hit 6 months yet. I dislike myself right now. Yet ironically, the only thing that will make it go away is more. Same with everything sexual. All I know is I love Fleur. And if that’s how I show her just how much, that’s fine. I think we’ll maybe keep sex at a low frequency. Then again, we said that for everything else, and we do that constantly.
Screwing up and screwing down,
Trey
4-2-11
It finally happened. She broke up with me. She felt like she “Wasn’t doing this relationship justice” and was doing things all for herself. (Totally true). So, in order to feel less bad about it, she broke up so she wouldn’t have to worry as much about it. She said I did nothing wrong, but I’m going to blame myself anyway. I want to cut...but I won’t. I just feel like everything we did was a lie. It wasn’t, but my distorted views on the matter lead me to believe that in the end, it didn’t matter. We didn’t hit 6 months, much less our minimum goal of 2 1/2 years. And breaking up on April Foal’s Day? Sigh...and I took her virginity, something that wasn’t mine to take yet. There are just so many things going on right now, I just can’t explain. She’s my first love. I’ll always love her. I can only hope that we’ll get back together later, after her little spree is done. This was horribly unfair. She was so excited to get our 1 year anniversary...and in the end we didn’t get half of that. I told her to hang on another week...but she said no. I think I’m going to go cry in the shower.
Missing her mostest,
Trey
5-31-11
Things have gotten a little weird recently. Sorry for not writing.
So I talked to Picture Perfect, Fleur’s best friend, about our breakup. She really helped me through. She and I are fixing to date. Apparently Fleur’s fine with it. But with the way she’s been acting, I can’t tell. All the last few times we talked, she’s been mad, we both wound up yelling (which I NEVER do) and we both haven’t been the same since then. Picture and I both see the change. We’re both scared for her. I still love her though, and I know I shouldn’t. But I love Picture, too. At least I think I do. I’ve never really felt love until I lost it. How do I know I’m not trying to reassure myself? How do I know she’s not a rebound? I’ve broken all my standards after our breakup. I’ve solicited sex from Coltslist, had a threesome, and generally lost sight of my sexual morals after the taste of the forbidden fruit. I’m still beating myself up over that. I can’t forgive myself for it. We shared it, but we still broke up. FML.
Meanwhile, Picture Perfect is visiting in 10 days or so. We’re planning quite a few things while she’s down here, including visits to the riverwalk, stargazing, gratuitous amounts of sex...normal stuff for ponies not even technically dating yet. Sigh,,,what is wrong with me?
Wishing my life was easy,
Trey
7-13-11
Yeah, Picture and I had sex. I don’t think she’s a good dating fit for me though. I’ll have to tell her eventually. I just told her we need to take time to be friends before we could be anything else.
Fleur’s now dating Hoofstrong. She met him at Camp Summit over Spring Break. She fell for him while we were dating, and now they;re dating, doing the long distance thing she swore to me she would never do. Freaking wonderful. She wanted me to be completely honest with her, yet she refused to be honest with me. Pretty bad deal if you ask me.
So I met Mail Colt, my birthfather yesterday. He was quite excited to hear from me. To meet me was his wet dream practically. He’s actually a really nice guy. I never knew how annoying my overgiving trait was until I was confronted with it though. We played a frame of bowling, several games of pool, air hockey, etc. Then he tried to buy 5 tickets (Him, his gf, me, my mom and my dad) to the movie. Had to return 3, since we already bought some for our family. Then, he bought a large drink and medium popcorn for me for the movie. He’s a generous guy, but I feel he was trying to compensate because he feels like he was a bad father for giving me up for adoption. He felt like I wouldn’t like him as-is, so he tried buying my affection. I don’t know. Maybe that’s just me though. Anyways, I’d better get to bed.
Glad to meet his birthfather,
Trey
“I didn’t know you were adopted...” said Fluttershy, pinning her ears back. Did that bother her?
“I can’t believe I never told you. But yeah.”
“I’m sorry...that must be tough...”
Trey raised an eyebrow. “No, no, I’ve known since birth, so it’s really not a big deal.”
“But...did your mom not love you?”
Trey knew that question was bound to come up. Ponies in middle school always used it to torture him. Adults could understand the truth.
“No, she did. She knew that she had terrible living circumstances. Nopony in her family went to college. She dropped out of high school because she was pregnant, and ran away from home at 16. She didn’t want me to have that lifestyle, so she gave me up for adoption to give me the life I have now. 21 months later, my sister was born, and she was adopted into our family as well. She’s doing pretty well herself.”
“But...it doesn’t bother you?”
“Flutterheart...if I wasn’t adopted, I wouldn’t have met you.” he said, smiling at her. “So don’t feel sorry. I know I don’t.” he added, giving her a peck on the cheek.
“Oh...ok then.” she said, smiling, returning to reading.
8-11-11
So my sister’s birthday is tomorrow and I totally forgot to get her something. So, I’m heading out early tomorrow to get her stuff. I’ve been really scatterbrained recently.
Band camp starts the 20th, so I’m excited.
Excited,
Trey
10-24-11
Happy belated birthday to me. On to business.
Classes this year are really tough, Making me rethink about being a music major.
Your favorite erotophobe’s been thinking about sex again. What’s wrong with me? Why do I hate it so much? Everypony else loves it. Why am I the only pony, especially male, that hates sex?
It’s not even sex, really. It’s the invasiveness. Just invading. I know I’ve harped on this point before, many times, but it’s just getting to me for some reason. I just don’t feel right. I’m in college. I don’t drink, do drugs...hate it all. I’m the worst college student ever. Just...it seems 5 words have been an entire theme for my life; What is wrong with me? Sigh...why can’t I be normal in the things that matter?
On happier notes, Canterlot upset No. 3 Manehatten, on the road. Huge win. My composition is now in concert halls nation wide. Still not sure why it’s going over so well.
What is wrong with me?
Trey
11-6-11
Canterlot’s starting to suck. Dropped quite a few games in a row. Might not make a bowl this year. Band wins, though.
I’m still tremendously lonely. What else is new? I can write good romance fics, why can’t I do the same in real life? I have a spare ticket to a huge concert coming up. My parents gave me two for my birthday. Need to find a date, really, for maximum enjoyment.
I’m such an old soul, though. Modern dating is lost on me. Gone are the days where prose could woo a mare. In are the days where beer and drugs gets you “love”. No longer can you go an extra mile without being a stalker. Us romantics, especially hopeless ones like me, are doomed to persist. It’s strange...not even sure how I’m an old soul romantically. None of my mannerisms were consciously learned. Where did I pick up on it?
I know there’s a strange confliction with me claiming erotophobia and the amount of sex I’ve had. I still browse Coltslist to see what’s there. But after I finish, so to speak, I realize how much I could never do that stuff.
Romantics like love. Love and sex are supposed to be irrevocably tied. Ever since the sexual revolution, nothing’s been right. For the few truly old souls...we’re disappointed. I am, anyway. Sex used to be a wonderful thing. Now, it’s just...spit on and misused. I’ve tried sex, and I honestly can’t see why the hell it’s so amazing. I’ve had a threesome, and I’m still not convinced. Maybe I’m waiting for that special mare. Screw it. I AM waiting for that special mare. I just wish she’d come along sooner. I may have to take a risk, though. Maybe this is my mental depravity from a slight absence in medication doses, but I’m so God damn lonely. It’s hardest for me compared to most since I’m already socially awkward, I have a learning disability which prohibits me from understanding some social situations, which is a severe handicap with mares, since they speak in riddles anyway. Oh well. I’ve never truly deserved such affection. It’d just be nice.
Hopelessly romantic,
Trey
12-1-11
Canterlot didn’t make a bowl this year...snapped an 18 year bowl streak to my sister’s college, the first year they’ve beat us since 1995. Hugely disappointing. Band wins, ponies live on.
So, my recreational romance fics have caught a bit of attention for whatever reason. Anyways, I have to say, even though I have success writing romance novellas, (Not to exclude writing in general) I realize just how lonely I am. I’ve had so much time alone that I can perfect these novellas. Yet, I haven’t done half the stuff my characters have. I’m a hopeless romantic, it seems. I can write perfect ideas and novellas, but the modern society just doesn’t work with me. Mares these days aren’t the same. My sense of romance, with poems, love letters, and other assorted physical gestures, including my strange fascination with aesthetics. I’d probably mix my 2 most obsessive qualities, physical contact, and obsessive admiration, and it would seem creepy to this generation. Only from afar can I marvel in the aesthetic model that is the modern mare. Admiring too little makes me seem artificial, like admiring superficial beauty. Admiring too much makes me a creeper. I can never find a balance. Seems the mare in my novel is the exact model of what I desire in a mare. Shy, soft, old fashioned, kind, patient, gentle, loving, outspoken, and, despite her role in the book, a background character. I admire beauty, but I obsess over, more specifically, unnoticed beauty. If given the choice between a gorgeous, popular mare and a shy, relatively unknown cute mare, I’ll pick the unknown cutie. Maybe that spawn from my “Knight in shining armor” approach to love. Maybe I want to help somepony discover their beauty.
I need to get to bed.
Needing a mare,
Trey
“That’s about the worst of it. We’d better call it good for tonight. The next entries start getting to where I meet you. Thanks for being patient through the first part.” said Trey, looking slightly away from Fluttershy, still slightly afraid to look at her. Fluttershy put the journal down, not saying anything, instead opting to pull Trey in to a tight hug. Trey returned this affection. He...was accepted. Even when she was faced with his past he wasn’t quite proud of, she didn’t run away. That’s all he’d ever asked for.
“I love you, Trey. Don’t ever forget that.” she said, hugging him tighter.
“I love you more, Fluttershy. Don’t ever forget that.” he said, kissing her. He put the journals away and the both of them laid in bed, staring into each other’s eyes. Fluttershy’s eyes...perfect. Trey hesitated to turn the lights off, knowing those eyes would disappear.
“Is something wrong?” asked Fluttershy.
“Nope. You’re just beautiful.” he said, kissing her.
Fluttershy blushed. Trey loved it when she did that.