7 Human in Ponyland

by shiftylookingcow

S2 Finale Chapter 14: Canterlot Gunning pt 2

"So you refuse to tell us why you have harmed my niece?" Celestia asked. I just smiled. As it turned, the princess, her student's friends, and the groom had came to visit me in my cell the morning of the wedding to question my actions. "I hope it wasn't my student who gave you the idea to attack her. I'm afraid Twilight may have gone too far. You are a dear friend to me and I do not wish to keep you here."

I shook my head, but shrugged, still smiling.

"This isn't a joke! Again, you can be in serious trouble! You could've gotten us in serious trouble."

Shining huffed. "We're wasting our time with this flankhole."

"Shining is right, darling. If we wait for him to answer, we'll miss the wedding."

"Shut up, Rarity." Rainbow said, causing me to snicker.

As they were about to leave, I couldn't help but to say one last thing. "Hey Shining, wait."

"Are you finally going to talk?" He said as the others looked at me.

"I just want to say that I'm sorry for trying to stop you and your bride. That mare that's waiting for you, I hope you and her live long and have many, many, many children." There is one other thing to know about me. Not only do I have an inner troll, but I have a natural troll face. That was the face I was wearing after I said that.

"Xavier. Rainbow and I are going to have a long talk with you and Twilight after the wedding." Fluttershy said sternly.

I chuckled, nodding my head. "We sure will, Fluttershy, we sure will." I said. "Til then."

When they left, I had leaned back against the wall, still wearing the same smirk. And now I play the waiting game.

I had an idea that today wouldn't be any good. My little brother's in jail and God only knows what the princesses and every pony involve thinks of us now. Who knows? My brother's reckless behavior may have cost us our lives here. I needed some time to myself. And by time to myself, I mean time with people who'll get me through the day. I walked up to a house that Octavia stayed in whenever she was here in Canterlot and knocked on the door for it to be answered by Vinyl Scratch. She gave me a sorrowful smile.

"Yo I heard what happened, man. It's a real bummer about your bro." She said as I walked in.

I sighed. "I don't know what got into him."

"Absolute madness is what got into him, dear." I'd know that gentle British accented voice from anywhere. Octavia was in the other room. "Who in their right mind would try to hold a princess hostage, let alone Celestia's niece?"

"I just hope no one believes that all humans are that dangerous."

"Psh! Neither one of ya really got the guts to do somethin' messed up like threaten a princess. Not unless ya got a reason." Vinyl said.

"What's that supposed to mean, Vinny?" I asked.

"Ey. I told ya not to call me that. What am I, in one of your Italian Mafia movies?" She swatted her hoof at me. "Based off of what ya told me, it doesn't sound like your lil bro would do somethin that bucked unless somethin was off."

"Psh. Twilight was off. Probably got Xavier into scheming."

"Twilight was in on this travesty too?" Octavia asked, peeking her head in.

"Yeah. She's been acting weird around Princess Cadenza."

This time, it was Octavia's turn to look concerned. "That doesn't make any sense."

"Where is Twilight anyway?" Vinyl asked.

"I don't know." I said.

Our conversation was interrupted by panicking coming from outside. The three of us quickly ran out to see what was going on. The royal guards were mobilizing and civilian ponies were all trying to run to safety, wherever that was. I saw Vinyl looking up as she slowly removed her shades, something she rarely ever does in public.

When Octavia and I looked up, we saw a swarm of creatures that were cracking the bubble shield. They looked like black pegasi with horns, but with bug-like wings. Thousands of them! They had holes in their feet just like-

"Motherfucker..." "Motherbucker..."

I reached for a walkie talkie with one hand and grabbed Xavier's gun with the other. Everything made sense. To be sure of our survival, I would need backup.

Let's give Jeff a call.

I turned on the walkie talkie. "Jeff. Can you hear me?"

"Hun, can you make sure Button Mash has his lunch packed for school?"

"Yea, babe, I'll make sure Mash's grass and weeds are in order." I said, rolling my eyes.

"Thank you."

I sighed. Yesterday was uneventful besides work. With AJ and Xavier gone, I only had Jeff to hang out with. That was a no go, since all he seems to be able to talk about is how wrong 'horse fucking' is. That guy just doesn't get it. We're all hoping he'll come around soon, but would understand if he doesn't. He's not even an elderly and he's still stuck in his ways. So I decided to spend some time with my other lady and her kid.

After I was done literally putting grass and weeds in Button Mash's lunch bag which I may or may not have just grabbed from around Joy's garden. They didn't have any apples or flowers left, so I just took my next guess at what ponies ate. He better not complain. Do you know how many starving children in Africa that would be more than happy to eat those weeds? After I sent the little squirt with his bag of lawn clippings, I thought I would be able to chill with Joy for the day.

"Jack, would you be a dear and pick up some groceries from the market today?"

Well I thought wrong. "Sure babe." I sighed, getting up walking to the door. I saw a list full of groceries taped to the side.

"I have a list of the veggies I need by the door."

"I know, I have it." I grabbed the list before heading outside. Jeff was right there with a dark creepy-ass grin wearing his green tanktop and a rag on his head with war paint all over with his truck running in front of the house. "Are we going on a hunting trip?" I asked.

"Even better. We're headed into a war zone!"

Jeff had filled me in on what was going on as I got myself ready. He even shared his war paint with me as he loaded the weapons. It turns out that Canterlot was under attack by black bug ponies that can change color. We were told to look out for ponies with legs like Swiss cheese. I suppose I'll understand when I see them. I put on my cargo pants and a black hoodie. In contrast to Jeff's camoflauge warpaint design on his face, I had decided to go with another design to strike fear into our foes. Something else I found scary at home; a juggalo.

"You are a fuckin clown aren't ya?" Jeff laughed.

"Mothafuckin miracles yo."

I noticed he had a box that he put in the back of his truck. I wanted to ask what it was, but something told me that I wouldn't get a direct answer. Jeff will probably say something like "A surprise." and then when we've doomed ourselves, he's going to play badass and break open that box of whatever it is like he's in an action movie and use it to save all of us.

You know, fuck it. I'm going to ask anyway.

"Hey Jeff, what's with the box in the back?"

"It's a surprise." Jeff said, grinning.

Dammit I knew it! I just set it in motion!

On the way there, I was armed with a knife and an uzi. Why the uzi? Because no one has used it yet. I was sitting staring out of the window, thoughts crossing my mind such as 'what will happen when we run out of ammo for all of Jeff's guns?' I know the day that happens will be a very sad day for him. I was then reminded of how this dude was protective of his guns when Xavier hid them in the attic for a few months after their little scrap on the way to Appleloosa. He literally grounded Jeff and his bro agreed with it. I gotta say though, I'm glad he was stopped back then. Killing that chieftan's daughter would've caused a whole clusterfuck.

I also had time to reflect on everything that's happened since our arrival. We're going on our third year here and so much has happened. It also got me thinking. How are mom and dad doing back home? It's a stupid question. They lost all of their children in one night. They've either sued the Mr. and Mrs. Roberts, or had claimed Jeff as a kidnapper and started a manhunt for him since only Traevon knew him and not our parents. They knew of him. Xavier's parents knew me, my siblings, and my parents as my parents knew him, his siblings and his parents, but Jeff? He was always just a stranger to them. So most likely, if we were to somehow find a way back, I'm sure there would be 'Wanted' posters of Jeff everywhere. Sorry bro. Again, I decided to keep my mouth shut about it.

I also wondered how my parents would respond to having pony girlfriends. Dad would probably send both Applejack and Joy Stick to a stable with Button Mash while he dialed a mental institution for me. Dad could be a dick sometimes. Mom? She'd probably faint or cry that her oldest son's a bestiality freak, never mind that they're able to hold a conversation. I guess minds close for anyone over forty. I still miss them though. For the sake of Hiroto and Jonathan, it's best not to talk about it.

The music snapped me out of my thoughts. I cocked an eye at Jeff.

"Ya look a lil worried. Fraid ya might get fragged by whatever got these pansy ponies so spooked up there?"

I shook my head. "Nah. Thinkin about home."

"You could've stayed back you know, had ya said something earlier." He said, frustrated.

"No. I mean home home. Parents. Humanity. United States of America."

"Oh. Yeah, I miss it all too. If I could go back to cable TV, shooting range, NFL and my PS4 at home, I would leave this place in a heartbeat." Funny.. I was literally just thinking.. Jeff continued. "And most of all, being back where girls aren't horses and have tits! Real tits! Not crotch boobs, not four legs, but two legs and boobs."

Rolling my eyes, I sighed "Here we go."

"I'll never get you and Xavier, and now you got Traevon doing it too! I'll never understand it!"

"Because you'll never see them as anything more than the stupid ponies back on Earth. Sure they have their own civilization, they can talk, express emotions like we do and are well capable of holding a conversation with us, but no. They look 'too' much like animals to you, don't they?"

"THEY EAT HAY AND FLOWERS!!!!"

"And the naked African girl you were staring at in your magazine ate fried and chocolate-dipped ants on a stick. You'd still tap it." I said. "Besides, who back at home is going to know? We're most likely never going back."

"Yeah..." He said, mournfully.

"If you want to be lonely or miserable for the rest of your life, because I'm pretty sure Brianna won't be interested in a guy who's middle aged when she reaches the age of 18, that's fine. But don't judge us for settling down with the locals. We're all happy with ponies."

It was quiet for a moment as I gave him time to think. It was just the two of us headed into a possible battlezone. This music is really fitting,
but the atmosphere could use a bit of lightening up.I smirked at him.

"I think they have minotaurs you can settle with. Two legs, probably boobs."

He scoffed in disgust. "No thanks. I prefer to be the muscle in the relationship."

"Well, what if the females aren't as big and burly as Iron Will? Don't think we've ever seen a minotaur cow." I asked, looking forward.

He chuckled. "That would be a big damn 'maybe'."

The rest of the ride was pretty calm. We strode and listened to whatever Jeff had on. The shield had just shattered as we drove up the mountain.

"Hey Jeff, wanna know what'll be badass?" I asked.

"What?" He asked.

Canterlot was under a full scale invasion. One that belonged to the creatures known as changelings. Ponies were being chased. The royal guards were giving it their all, fending the changelings off until the civilians, nobles, and everypony else were safely sheltered. Ever since their humiliation at the claws of the four aliens, they had stepped up their training. However, as hard as they trained, the changelings were heavily outnumbering the guards. One by one were squads and groups overrun by the immense number of changelings that were coming their way.

One blue-maned unicorn guardsmare, Silvia Blades, was a lieutenant who had joined the royal guards shortly after the gala two years ago. The secretly peach-coated mare had proven herself a fine and competent with her tasks and earned every medal and promotion she's received. None of her training had prepared her for this. She was doing whatever he could to keep her squad together.

"Silvia! I'm not sure how much we can hold them off! We need back up!" One of the guards shouted as he cut open a changeling that lunged at him.

"I can't! I'm not sure if you've noticed, but I have my hooves full!" Silvia did indeed have her hooves full, holding up a shielding spell to block changelings from their flanks. Since the shield broke, she's been summoning arcane blasts, ice spells, shock spells, and shielding. Her exhaustion had started to show greatly as she sweated more and more under her armor as she could hear her last squad mate being dragged away. Seeing as she had already failed her squad, her shield formed around her into a bubble.

Then she started hearing something crackling and other noises in the distance. One of the noises sounded like maniacal laughter while the other one sounded like music.

She saw a few changelings flying one direction, but instantly had their heads exploded as their lifeless bodies fell from the sky while having their blood coat the roads. Around the corner, came a carriage unlike anything she's ever seen, having two of the aliens she was trained to take down. One was on the back, firing an oddly effective crossbow. A thought to attack them had crossed her mind, but she noticed that one, she would most likely end up joining the changelings that lie in the streets and, two, their attention seemed aimed at the changelings instead of the ponies. The way the carriage turned and stayed in one piece fascinated her to the point where she almost lost track of her shield, the alien on there surprisingly staying on. She instantly regained her focus when a changeling had slammed against her shield.

The carriage then turned to her and accelerated. She thought she was going to be run over, but she couldn't have been more wrong. She closed her eyes as she could hear 'thumps' against the metal and the weightlessness of her shield as it dissipated. She then felt a claw grab her and pull her onto the carriage.

"Get in here, ya pansy!" Said the alien. It was a lot to take in for the mare to the point where she was speechless. Here she was, with the aliens she was trained to fight, fighting on her side. And the music was even more disturbing. It sounded like it was made for those who enjoyed war. Is this a game for enjoyment to them?! she thought.

As she watched, she watched, she seemed to pick up on something. The changelings that changed into other ponies were being shot at. At first, she had thought that one of them wasn't having enough fun and started opening fire on the ponies, but when she saw them bleed blue and change back into changelings, she realized that the beings she was riding with could see through their disguises. The carriage took a wide swing and stopped in front of another alien running at them, firing a smaller weapon back at changelings that were chasing it while two ponies were hanging from his back and being carried in his free fore leg.

Are these guys on our side?

When he reached them, he sat one of the mares down next to a box the alien had in the back with him. The other mare he put inside of the carriage with the alien controlling it before he jumped in the back with them..

"Who is she?" The newcomer asked.

The larger one firing replied, "Some broad in armor I just rescued."

"Excuse me! This 'broad in armor' has a name! It's Silvia Blades! Lieutenant Silvia Blades to you, mister!" she said.

"You want me to throw your ass off my truck?"

"Jeff!" The newcomer yelled. He turned to the guardsmare. "Forgive my friend here. He's a hard ass."

"Trae, where's Xavier?" asked the alien driving.

"He's in the dungeon for attacking an imposter Princess." said the alien dubbed Traevon. Then he let out a long exasperated sigh. "He's probably sitting there thinking of an 'I told you so' speech.."

"Alright, why is Xavier still in the dungeon then?" the driver asked.

"Well, the Princess had planned on having him transferred to the Royal Canterlot Prison after the wedding, but then all of this shit happened."

Silvia kept quiet. She didn't want to tell them that she was a part of the team that escorted aforementioned human to his cell.

We soon arrived to the castle where we saw our six fighting each other. I mean they were fighting a lot of each other because I counted seven changelings with Twilight's color. They all stopped and went wide eyed when we approached, weapons aimed. We fired and took out all of the ones with holes in their legs, along with the ones with horns or wings that shouldn't have them.

All but one. Jeff was holding two Applejacks. One was real, one was fake.

"Hey Jack. Which one is real?" He said, chuckling. Oh dear lord, they're really doing this...

"Ah'm the real one" Both Applejack's said at the same time. "No, ya yellow-bellied fibber, Ah am!" They said to each other.

Jack smiled as he aimed his weapon at both of them before he told Jeff to put down one of the Applejacks. He went up to the one Jeff was holding, stared at her a bit with his weapon aimed inbetween her eyes. A lot of emotion went through that one's eyes. Betrayal, fear, and sad for the doom she was about to face.

That was until Jack kissed her and shot the other one. Silvia's eyes widened as the dead Applejack changed into a changeling.

"What the buck going on?" The guardsmare asked.

"Applejack's been pranked... again." I answered.

"Consarn it Jack! Yer lucky Ah'm so glad ta see ya.." She said, unable to stop smiling. Rainbow Dash and Pinkie were laughing

"Had ya goin didn't I?"

"Man did you ever!" Rainbow said, pulling herself together. "So when are we gonna bust Monkeyboy out of the dungeon?"

Twilight shook her head. "We'll have plenty of time to get Xavier after we get the elements of-"

"INCOMING!!!" Pinkie shrieked, pointing towards an incoming swarm of changelings. They were swarming over the horizon.

Jeff looked at Silvia. "If you wanna live, grab my box and move!" Silvia nodded, not having the time to question and floated the heavy box with her as everyone had ran into the castle. They knew where the elements were, however they hadn't the chance to get it. When they reached the throne room, it was full of changelings. Celestia was cocooned, hanging from the ceiling and Shining Armor looked completely out of it, I got to see the real Cadence for the first time, and Not-Cadance had turned from pink to black. There were more coming from behind. The six went ahead to confront Black Cadence while Jeff had an idea to buy them more time.

"Hey you." Jeff said to Silvia. "The box."

"What's in it?" she asked

"Just give me the damn box." He demanded. She hesitated but set it down infront of him. He smashed the top of the box open and pulled out what looked like a homemade flamethrower. "Time to burn bitches!" He aimed it at the approaching changelings behind him.

"SURPRISE COCKFAGS!" Jeff roared. The flames had started engulfing the changelings outside of the throne room on his way out. We could hear his maniacal laughter and the changelings' screams even after the door closed. That guy is having too much fun with this... Silvia stared at the door, horrified.

"That could've been me at the other end of that thing..." She quietly mumbled.

"I so fucking called it..." Jack said, facepalming.

"Your invasion failed, Chrysalis!" Twilight said.

"You've ruined everything! This day was supposed to be perfect!" Black Cadence shouted. "CHANGELINGS! WE MUST RETREAT!"

The changelings started flying out of the windows. Before she left, the changeling queen glared at the humans. "You will all pay dearly for this!" She hissed, before flying to the window. Jack and I aimed our guns at her, but our weapons only responded with 'clicks'.

"Jack, got any spare ammo?"

"Fresh out." Jack said, taking out his empty magazine.

"...well, it looks like we should be glad changelings don't know how guns work."

Jack nodded in agreement. Soon, a burst of pink energy erupted from the room. It had cleared out the remaining changelings who have yet to retreat and smacking Chrysalis's ass, literally on the way out of the city. Fluttershy and Rarity had helped Princess Celestia out of her cocoon.

Rainbow landed between me and Celestia. "Great. The Chrysalis problem's over with now and the invasion is over. Can we please get Xavier now?" She said, standing on her hindlegs while tapping her foot impatiently.

Celestia wore the same uncomfortable expression as Shining Armor, Traevon, Rarity, and Applejack when they heard Rainbow.

"Do we have to?" Shining said, before receiving a violent nudge from Cadence. "Sorry, it's just.. That guy is so unbearable."

"Be that as it may, it wouldn't be right to keep him there. He was merely trying to stop Chrysalis and we arrested him for it."

"So he knew?" Shining asked, his eyes narrowing into space.

"These guys can see through changeling disguises somehow. Who knew?" Lt. Silvia said.

"So this morning when he said..."

"Yup..." I answered, cutting Shining off.

"Ugh, Princess, please! Please!"

"No!" "No." "Shining..."

"Fine..."

Traevon knew most of what was waiting in the dungeons for him. The same couldn't be said for everyone else. Celestia, having been experienced with large amounts of smugness (usually from her sister), had sense collected herself to embrace the amount of smug she could estimate from her innocent capturee. Fluttershy, having to deal with a bossy bunny on a daily basis, wasn't too bothered. The same couldn't be said for Shining, Applejack, and Rarity.

When they arrived, they could hear talking and snickering. Arriving at the cell, they not only had to deal with the smug smile of Xavier, but that of Princess Luna as well, which caused Celestia to groan.

"So. How was the wedding?" Xavier asked with a shit-eating grin. Shining started breathing heavily through his teeth, seething. "Wow. Twilight does the same thing. Must run in the family."

Twilight rolled his eyes as Shining pouted to his sister. "See!" He looked at Celestia again. "He's so... so.. insufferable!!!"

"Oh come now, Shining. I'm not gonna judge you for being an entomophiliac." Xavier said, still grinning.

"SNRRK!!" The princesses, Twilight and Fluttershy held their hooves over their mouths as they tried not to laugh.

"What? What does that mean?" said the now anxious Shining Armor.

"Cadence, I think that'll give you a few ideas on foreplay later on in your marriage." He joked. "Oh Shining. The fact that you're so out of the loop makes it even more hilarious."

Twilight whispered in his ear. His pupils shrank three times that moment. "THAT'S IT! I'M DONE!" The five named mares broke into fits of laughter and giggling as he stormed out of the dungeon.

"I don't get it."

"It's an inside joke, Pinks." Rainbow said.

"Now if you could please let me out, Celestia, that would be very kind of you." Xavier asked.

Celestia's horn glowed a golden aura as the cell door opened "Yes, and I do believe an apology is in order."

"Don't sweat it. Pushing Shining's buttons put me in a forgiving mood." Not to mention the next stunt I'll pull.

While everyone and pony else went out to help reschedule and re plan the wedding that's been pushed back another day, I spent the rest of the day with Princess Luna who practically begged me to stay with her. And why wouldn't I? It's nice to see her in the waking world too. We mostly hung out in her room. Other than a random Sonic Rainboom that happened for some reason, outside seemed pretty uneventful.

"You're letting my sister off too easy, Xavier." Luna said.

"No I'm not. Have ya seen the gory mess I left out there?" I asked, leaning back against Luna.

"The weapons your kind uses are pretty lethal. We're glad you're all on our side."

I sighed. "Don't know how much use they'll be for long. Just like arrows are needed to use a bow, those things need ammo. And we used a lot today." I said, looking out the window. "Not like we can just go back to Earth and buy more. That's kind've our primary source of defense and protection."

"I see, but worry not. My sister and I will do our best to make sure you are protected along with our subjects." She smirked, nuzzling me. "You forget how powerful sister and I are."

"And if you somehow lost your magic for some unforeseen reason?"

Luna laughed. "'T'will never happen."

"And how long have you two been close friends, Monkey Boy?" said a voice from the window.

"Oh hey Rainbow. We've been pretty close for a while now."

"Really? But you two hardly hang out!"

"Because we usually hang out after I go to sleep." I said.

"Tis been a while since I've had so much fun in anypony else's dream before him." Luna said.

"So you've been hanging out and having fun in Xavier's dream?" She asked.

"Just about." I answered. "You're not upset are you?

Rainbow crossed her forelegs. "Hay yeah I am! Without me?!"

Luna giggled. "You're more than welcome to join the four of us."

"Wait. Four?! Who are the other two?"

"My two sisters."

"You have another-" Rainbow shook her head. "We'll talk about this later. Twilight and the princess sent me to bring you two down for the wedding reception."

Luna and I looked at each other, then back at Rainbow. I had to ask. "What happened with the wedding?"

"Everypony decided it best if you missed the wedding and just came to the reception."

"How come?"

"Shining hates you right now." She deadpanned. "It took a lot of begging, an apology favor from Twilight, and the princess's wishes for him to invite you to the reception."

-3rd Person-

After Twilight had finished her song, it was about time for Cadance to throw the bouquet, in which she had almost forgot to do had Traevon not reminded her. If you don't know, in most human weddings, the bride throws a bouquet to single ladies to 'ensure' a bright and love-filled future (if you believe that stuff). In Equestria, things are a bit different. The bride throws a bouquet to taken mares to ensure the ones they are with will stay together forever. When she tossed it, Twilight Sparkle felt it was time to get back at Shining, and like an NFL player, she had jumped in front of Rarity and caught it. Shining couldn't ignore this and went to his little sister.

"Well, looks like I wasn't the only one who forgot to tell their sibling about somepony special, eh Twily?" Shining said with a teasing smile, causing Twilight to 'blush'.

"Y-yeah.. I've found somepony special." She looked over to the Princesses of the Sun and Moon, who were smiling at her (the former, biting her bottom lip).

"Well, when are you going to introduce this special stallion to your BBBFF?" He asked with eagerness and pride in his eyes.

"He's... actually here at the wedding." She shifted nervously, not sure if she wanted to go through with it.

"Tia, is there something wrong?"

"Wait for it..."

"Great! Can you get him for me? We have time before we leave for our honeymoon." The look on his wife's face said otherwise.

Twilight nodded her head and walked over to where their parents were. Shining's eyes stayed on her, tracing her movement. However, his smile was turning more and more harsh when he saw who else was standing by their mom and dad in conversation.

"Nooooo..." Shining growled.

It was him. The newest most freshest thorn in his side. And Twilight was headed right to him.

"No no nooo..."

Shining was gritting his teeth when he saw her sister stand on her hind legs and kiss Shining's new nemesis right on the lips, and his parents just standing there watching with smiles! He didn't even notice himself glowing in a golden aura and floating inside of a chariot, in which his wife was very patiently waiting for him. By now, he was practically spazzing out next to her.

"NONONONONONONONONONO-COLT OF A BUCKING HORS-"