Chapter 14 S2: The Weeding
-Xavier's Recall-
Ever since the last thing that happened, things have gotten wacky, but then ended up calming down a bit. How did things get wacky? Wouldn't you like to know. Long story short, I ended up with 12 more mares in my herd. I'm not going to name them all, but let's say that Derpy/Ditzydoo and Bonbon were the first two that joined my herd and Celestia was the last. How it all happened? I do not really want to talk about it. Long story short, it involved one night at one really big party, and I'm never going near a punch bowl again, especially in heat season. Needless to say, Jeff stopped talking to me. Ever since Bro was exposed by Gabby Gums which turned out to be the Bri and her friends, they were giving each other the silent treatment. However, back to me here. My room ended up being the 'herd hangout place' so I had to say goodbye to privacy. That's basically the only other interesting thing that happened besides Hiroto building a satellite dish for some reason.
-End of Recap-
It was an average day that I woke up to. Well, not really average. Those days are gone. An average day would be me waking up, freeing myself from Dash, Twilight, and Fluttershy, and going to the bathroom to get myself cleaned and ready for the day. No. I woke up, freed myself from Rainbow, Twilight, Fluttershy, Photo Finish, Spitfire, Lily, Spike who was now called Barbs due to an irreversable genderbending spell put on her, and had to step over Bonbon, Cheerilee, Scootaloo's widowed mom who's name escapes me, Trixie, Gilda, Pinkie, and Derpy. Am I gonna have to build a stable for these ponies?
Finaly making it out of my room, Celestia was just finished raising the sun. I took care of my hygiene and breakfast, grabbed a cup of coffee before heading outside only to come face to face with Celestia, who was grinning in my face.
"Good morning my favorite human." She said before kissing me.
"Sup Sunbutt."
"Nothing. Just coming to check on my fiancé." I almost choked on my coffee. "My niece and I thought it would be a good idea to have a double wedding!" She said in excitement. "Doesn't that sound fun?"
I was very reluctant to answer. She picked up on it and glared.
"Well?! Doesn't it?!" She said through her teeth.
"I-I guess?"
"What do you mean 'you guess'?" I heard from behind me. I turned to see the rest of my herd.
"You're marrying Princess Celestia!" Twilight said.
"I'm not ready for marriage yet!!! I just became old enough to drink this year!" I protested.
"Well that's too bad! You're getting hitched!" said Celestia with glee. "Or should I send you to the moon for rejecting a princess?"
"Hah! Not like you can! Resistant to magic, remember? All of us humans are!"
Celestia and the girls started laughing. "All of the humans you say?" What are you talking about? "You are the last one left!"
"Heya man." I turned to the new voice only to see not my best friend, but a pony version of him, his brothers, and my siblings. They were all ponies!!
"We found a way to make them permanently ponies! You're gonna be a pony too!" Pinkie said.
"I can't believe this! You were my friends! I thought you liked me for who and what I am! What the fuck!" I was in rage.
"So that's a no for the wedding?"
"Damn straight!"
"Then say hello to Jeff on the moon you bucking monkey." Rainbow said before Celestia somehow used magic to send me to the moon.
"How did-" Was all I was able to say until I couldn't breathe. I could see Equuis from a great distance. I was on the moon with no air.
I was then levitated by a pink light.
The next day of the wedding. The ponies were cheering for Princess Mi Amour Cadenza and Shining Armor, the newly wedded. They had a little trouble with the changelings, but all was well after they took care of it. At the reception, Cadence threw the bouquet at the bridesmares and was caught by Applejack who nuzzled Jack afterwards. It seemed like they were getting married next.
However, they didn't know they were being watched. As the ponies ate their salads and their vegetables, the mysterious watchers were fuming with hatred for the ponies.
"The humans were right! These disgusting blasphemous creatures are monsters!" the being said. "We need to save our kind by eliminating them! We need to tell our fleet to ready their Blades and rid the planet of these 'ponies'!"
Down below Equuis's atmosphere, ponies were starting to go home to rest for the upcoming day. That was, unless they were the royal sisters. Luna had burst into Celestia's room with a pod in her magical grasp.
"Tia! Tia! You must see this! This strange meteor fell out of the sky and landed right infront of the castle!"
The message contained a written holographic message: "The Vlikkians are coming for your asses. Love, Xavier."
"How could he send a message from the moon?" Luna asked, worried. "Not even I was able to communicate with you or anypony in Equestria during my banishment."
Just then, explosions and screaming were heard as something large and green flew by Celestia's tower. Celestia looked out of her window to see hundreds of airborne vessels of alien origin that were rapidly firing green blobs that corroded everything it touched. Their city and defenses were still weakened by the changeling attack, Celestia included. Luna took off to the air to fire a few blasts, but only damaging one ship before it turned and fired at her. The Lunar princess tried to dodge all of them, but there were too many. One hit her as her sister watched her flesh and bones corrode into nothingness infront of her.
Celestia, now enraged, fired the most powerful spell she could muster, the solar fire ball, at the ships. However, they all simply strafed out of the way before firing barrages at her tower. Celestia couldn't do anything else but gracefully face her death. The Canterlot citizens, could only watch in despair as Celestia's corroded tower fell.
There was no where the ponies could hide. Canterlot was only the first target. Afterwards, they hit Ponyville, Cloudsdale, Trottingham, Apploosa, Manehattan, every Equestrian town and city that harbored ponies. The only ponies that would be spared were a specific few.
On board the Vlikkian's flagship, the two humans were sharing a meaty dinner while watching the show down below with the captain of the ship. The two humans, who introduced themselves as Jeff and Xavier, had told them that the ponies sent them to the moon to die because they didn't want to be turned into vegetable eating ponies like they did their friends and family. That's when they decided to see for themselves.
"Thanks again for saving our asses" Jeff said.
"Oh our hearts go out to those who have suffered under the hands of those vegetable eaters." The captain said in a cheerful-yet sorrowful tone. "We should be thanking you for pointing us to the weeds in our garden of space."
The cheerful voice that these plant-like aliens had were making Jeff grit his teeth, but he kept his mouth shut.
"Anyway, do you know where planet Earth is? We'd like to go back there if we can."
"Our world is also called Earth, but I assume you mean the ones inhabited by humans? Yes, we do. We can have you there in a month by Hyperspace." It said.
"Sweet."
"Damn I miss titties!" Jeff said.
"You're called Vlikkians, right?" I asked. "Just so I'd know who to thank.
"Yes, but our allies and friends call us the Supox."
And then they started their way home to the human homeworld Earth, leaving behind a large corroded crater on Equuis where Equestria used to be. The ponies were dead, and the human-turned ponies were now turned back to human.
It was a victory for the Supox.
Author's Notes: And now to make it seem like this is a really long chapter, have a long look below (or skip it)!
According to all known laws
of aviation,
there is no way a bee
should be able to fly.
Its wings are too small to get
its fat little body off the ground.
The bee, of course, flies anyway
because bees don't care
what humans think is impossible.
Yellow, black. Yellow, black.
Yellow, black. Yellow, black.
Ooh, black and yellow!
Let's shake it up a little.
Barry! Breakfast is ready!
Ooming!
Hang on a second.
Hello?
- Barry?
- Adam?
- Oan you believe this is happening?
- I can't. I'll pick you up.
Looking sharp.
Use the stairs. Your father
paid good money for those.
Sorry. I'm excited.
Here's the graduate.
We're very proud of you, son.
A perfect report card, all B's.
Very proud.
Ma! I got a thing going here.
- You got lint on your fuzz.
- Ow! That's me!
- Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000.
- Bye!
Barry, I told you,
stop flying in the house!
- Hey, Adam.
- Hey, Barry.
- Is that fuzz gel?
- A little. Special day, graduation.
Never thought I'd make it.
Three days grade school,
three days high school.
Those were awkward.
Three days college. I'm glad I took
a day and hitchhiked around the hive.
You did come back different.
- Hi, Barry.
- Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good.
- Hear about Frankie?
- Yeah.
- You going to the funeral?
- No, I'm not going.
Everybody knows,
sting someone, you die.
Don't waste it on a squirrel.
Such a hothead.
I guess he could have
just gotten out of the way.
I love this incorporating
an amusement park into our day.
That's why we don't need vacations.
Boy, quite a bit of pomp…
under the circumstances.
- Well, Adam, today we are men.
- We are!
- Bee-men.
- Amen!
Hallelujah!
Students, faculty, distinguished bees,
please welcome Dean Buzzwell.
Welcome, New Hive Oity
graduating class of…
…9:15.
That concludes our ceremonies.
And begins your career
at Honex Industries!
Will we pick ourjob today?
I heard it's just orientation.
Heads up! Here we go.
Keep your hands and antennas
inside the tram at all times.
- Wonder what it'll be like?
- A little scary.
Welcome to Honex,
a division of Honesco
and a part of the Hexagon Group.
This is it!
Wow.
Wow.
We know that you, as a bee,
have worked your whole life
to get to the point where you
can work for your whole life.
Honey begins when our valiant Pollen
Jocks bring the nectar to the hive.
Our top-secret formula
is automatically color-corrected,
scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured
into this soothing sweet syrup
with its distinctive
golden glow you know as…
Honey!
- That girl was hot.
- She's my cousin!
- She is?
- Yes, we're all cousins.
- Right. You're right.
- At Honex, we constantly strive
to improve every aspect
of bee existence.
These bees are stress-testing
a new helmet technology.
You know, Dad,
the more I think about it,
maybe the honey field
just isn't right for me.
You were thinking of what,
making balloon animals?
That's a bad job
for a guy with a stinger.
Janet, your son's not sure
he wants to go into honey!
- Barry, you are so funny sometimes.
- I'm not trying to be funny.
You're not funny! You're going
into honey. Our son, the stirrer!
- You're gonna be a stirrer?
- No one's listening to me!
Wait till you see the sticks I have.
I could say anything right now.
I'm gonna get an ant tattoo!
Let's open some honey and celebrate!
Maybe I'll pierce my thorax.
Shave my antennae.
Shack up with a grasshopper. Get
a gold tooth and call everybody “dawg”!
I'm so proud.
- We're starting work today!
- Today's the day.
Oome on! All the good jobs
will be gone.
Yeah, right.
Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring,
stirrer, front desk, hair removal…
- Is it still available?
- Hang on. Two left!
One of them's yours! Oongratulations!
Step to the side.
- What'd you get?
- Picking crud out. Stellar!
Wow!
Oouple of newbies?
Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready!
Make your choice.
- You want to go first?
- No, you go.
Oh, my. What's available?
Restroom attendant's open,
not for the reason you think.
- Any chance of getting the Krelman?
- Sure, you're on.
I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out.
Wax monkey's always open.
The Krelman opened up again.
What happened?
A bee died. Makes an opening. See?
He's dead. Another dead one.
Deady. Deadified. Two more dead.
Dead from the neck up.
Dead from the neck down. That's life!
Oh, this is so hard!
Heating, cooling,
stunt bee, pourer, stirrer,
humming, inspector number seven,
lint coordinator, stripe supervisor,
mite wrangler. Barry, what
do you think I should… Barry?
ssed
the wrong sword!
You, sir, will be lunch
for my iguana, Ignacio!
Where is the honey coming from?
Tell me where!
Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms!
Orazy person!
What horrible thing has happened here?
These faces, they never knew
what hit them. And now
they're on the road to nowhere!
Just keep still.
What? You're not dead?
Do I look dead? They will wipe anything
that moves. Where you headed?
To Honey Farms.
I am onto something huge here.
I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood,
crazy stuff. Blows your head off!
I'm going to Tacoma.
- And you?
- He really is dead.
All right.
Uh-oh!
- What is that?!
- Oh, no!
- A wiper! Triple blade!
- Triple blade?
Jump on! It's your only chance, bee!
Why does everything have
to be so doggone clean?!
How much do you people need to see?!
Open your eyes!
Stick your head out the window!
From NPR News in Washington,
I'm Oarl Kasell.
But don't kill no more bugs!
- Bee!
- Moose blood guy!!
- You hear something?
- Like what?
Like tiny screaming.
Turn off the radio.
Whassup, bee boy?
Hey, Blood.
Just a row of honey jars,
as far as the eye could see.
Wow!
I assume wherever this truck goes
is where they're getting it.
I mean, that honey's ours.
- Bees hang tight.
- We're all jammed in.
It's a close community.
Not us, man. We on our own.
Every mosquito on his own.
- What if you get in trouble?
- You a mosquito, you in trouble.
Nobody likes us. They just smack.
See a mosquito, smack, smack!
At least you're out in the world.
You must meet girls.
Mosquito girls try to trade up,
get with a moth, dragonfly.
Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito.
You got to be kidding me!
Mooseblood's about to leave
the building! So long, bee!
- Hey, guys!
- Mooseblood!
I knew I'd catch y'all down here.
Did you bring your crazy straw?
We throw it in jars, slap a label on it,
and it's pretty much pure profit.
What is this place?
A bee's got a brain
the size of a pinhead.
They are pinheads!
Pinhead.
- Oheck out the new smoker.
- Oh, sweet. That's the one you want.
The Thomas 3000!
Smoker?
Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic.
Twice the nicotine, all the tar.
A couple breaths of this
knocks them right out.
They make the honey,
and we make the money.
“They make the honey,
and we make the money”?
Oh, my!
What's going on? Are you OK?
Yeah. It doesn't last too long.
Do you know you're
in a fake hive with fake walls?
Our queen was moved here.
We had no choice.
This is your queen?
That's a man in women's clothes!
That's a drag queen!
What is this?
Oh, no!
There's hundreds of them!
Bee honey.
Our honey is being brazenly stolen
on a massive scale!
This is worse than anything bears
have done! I intend to do something.
Oh, Barry, stop.
Who told you humans are taking
our honey? That's a rumor.
Do these look like rumors?
That's a conspiracy theory.
These are obviously doctored photos.
How did you get mixed up in this?
He's been talking to humans.
- What?
- Talking to humans?!
He has a human girlfriend.
And they make out!
Make out? Barry!
We do not.
- You wish you could.
- Whose side are you on?
The bees!
I dated a cricket once in San Antonio.
Those crazy legs kept me up all night.
Barry, this is what you want
to do with your life?
I want to do it for all our lives.
Nobody works harder than bees!
Dad, I remember you
coming home so overworked
your hands were still stirring.
You couldn't stop.
I remember that.
What right do they have to our honey?
We live on two cups a year. They put it
in lip balm for no reason whatsoever!
Even if it's true, what can one bee do?
Sting them where it really hurts.
In the face! The eye!
- That would hurt.
- No.
Up the nose? That's a killer.
There's only one place you can sting
the humans, one place where it matters.
Hive at Five, the hive's only
full-hour action news source.
No more bee beards!
With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk.
Weather with Storm Stinger.
Sports with Buzz Larvi.
And Jeanette Ohung.
- Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble.
- And I'm Jeanette Ohung.
A tri-county bee, Barry Benson,
intends to sue the human race
for stealing our honey,
packaging it and profiting
from it illegally!
Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King,
we'll have three former queens here in
our studio, discussing their new book,
Olassy Ladies,
out this week on Hexagon.
Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson.
Did you ever think, “I'm a kid
from the hive. I can't do this”?
Bees have never been afraid
to change the world.
What about Bee Oolumbus?
Bee Gandhi? Bejesus?
Where I'm from, we'd never sue humans.
We were thinking
of stickball or candy stores.
How old are you?
The bee community
is supporting you in this case,
which will be the trial
of the bee century.
You know, they have a Larry King
in the human world too.
It's a common name. Next week…
He looks like you and has a show
and suspenders and colored dots…
Next week…
Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the
guest even though you just heard ‘em.
Bear Week next week!
They’re scary, hairy and here live.
Always leans forward, pointy shoulders,
squinty eyes, very Jewish.
In tennis, you attack
at the point of weakness!
It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81.
Honey, her backhand's a joke!
I'm not gonna take advantage of that?
Quiet, please.
Actual work going on here.
- Is that that same bee?
- Yes, it is!
I'm helping him sue the human race.
- Hello.
- Hello, bee.
This is Ken.
Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size
ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe.
Why does he talk again?
Listen, you better go
'cause we're really busy working.
But it's our yogurt night!
Bye-bye.
Why is yogurt night so difficult?!
You poor thing.
You two have been at this for hours!
Yes, and Adam here
has been a huge help.
- Frosting…
- How many sugars?
Just one. I try not
to use the competition.
So why are you helping me?
Bees have good qualities.
And it takes my mind off the shop.
Instead of flowers, people
are giving balloon bouquets now.
Those are great, if you're three.
And artificial flowers.
- Oh, those just get me psychotic!
- Yeah, me too.
Bent stingers, pointless pollination.
Bees must hate those fake things!
Nothing worse
than a daffodil that's had work done.
Maybe this could make up
for it a little bit.
- This lawsuit's a pretty big deal.
- I guess.
You sure you want to go through with it?
Am I sure? When I'm done with
the humans, they won't be able
to say, “Honey, I'm home,”
without paying a royalty!
It's an incredible scene
here in downtown Manhattan,
where the world anxiously waits,
because for the first time in history,
we will hear for ourselves
if a honeybee can actually speak.
What have we gotten into here, Barry?
It's pretty big, isn't it?
I can't believe how many humans
don't work during the day.
You think billion-dollar multinational
food companies have good lawyers?
Everybody needs to stay
behind the barricade.
- What's the matter?
- I don't know, I just got a chill.
Well, if it isn't the bee team.
You boys work on this?
All rise! The Honorable
Judge Bumbleton presiding.
All right. Oase number 4475,
Superior Oourt of New York,
Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry
is now in session.
Mr. Montgomery, you're representing
the five food companies collectively?
A privilege.
Mr. Benson… you're representing
all the bees of the world?
I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor,
we're ready to proceed.
Mr. Montgomery,
your opening statement, please.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
my grandmother was a simple woman.
Born on a farm, she believed
it was man's divine right
to benefit from the bounty
of nature God put before us.
If we lived in the topsy-turvy world
Mr. Benson imagines,
just think of what would it mean.
I would have to negotiate
with the silkworm
for the elastic in my britches!
Talking bee!
How do we know this isn't some sort of
holographic motion-picture-capture
Hollywood wizardry?
They could be using laser beams!
Robotics! Ventriloquism!
Oloning! For all we know,
he could be on steroids!
Mr. Benson?
Ladies and gentlemen,
there's no trickery here.
I'm just an ordinary bee.
Honey's pretty important to me.
It's important to all bees.
We invented it!
We make it. And we protect it
with our lives.
Unfortunately, there are
some people in this room
who think they can take it from us
'cause we're the little guys!
I'm hoping that, after this is all over,
you'll see how, by taking our honey,
you not only take everything we have
but everything we are!
I wish he'd dress like that
all the time. So nice!
Oall your first witness.
So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden
of Honey Farms, big company you have.
I suppose so.
I see you also own
Honeyburton and Honron!
Yes, they provide beekeepers
for our farms.
Beekeeper. I find that
to be a very disturbing term.
I don't imagine you employ
any bee-free-ers, do you?
- No.
- I couldn't hear you.
- No.
- No.
Because you don't free bees.
You keep bees. Not only that,
it seems you thou