"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel is also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
-Dave Barry
Pinkie really loves parties. I am convinced her blood is just confetti. Anyone who has attended a party hosted by her tends to agree that she knows what she is doing. They're always a hit.
As time passed with her, we both learned more of the other. For example, I learned that you can answer many of life's mysteries with the phrase, "because Pinkie Pie." She learned not to use party poppers around me. My anxiety once got so bad I yelled "active shooter" and took cover. It took a half hour for me to calm down. That was fun to explain my way out of.
Neither of us, however, knew much of the other at the time I signed the papers. From the moment I set down the quill (which was a matter of taking a deep breath and giving my head a gentle shake), I had a feeling something was going on.
You see, where I'm from, parties involve various props. You can have pin the tail on the donkey, musical chairs, a food stand, alcohol, darts, or pool (I was excellent at pool). Most parties where I am from don't involve cannons. You remember the part where I got killed by what was basically a cannon on steroids? So do I.
So, Pinkie was hopping around me in circles as happy as a swine in poo, and the others who I barely knew were just going about their business- the papers were to be returned to the proper authorities after what I was told would be a small celebration. I didn't know why there was a celebration planned; I suppose just to get my morale up considering how I spent the better part of my time here so far.
Twilight's assistant was this small purple dragon named Spike, but I always had this urge to call him Barney for some reason. He's a really nice, umm... reptile. That's basically what I told myself for several months: He wasn't a dragon. He was just a sentient reptile, because that was less traumatic to my stupid mind. We met shortly after Pinkie finished squeezing the life out of me because I signed the adoption form. I'm told she probably would have done that regardless of what I did, though.
Spike is also the only one that doesn't try to treat me with kid gloves because I said I was dead to my family. He treated me like an equal, which was refreshing. Even Rainbow Dash, the roughest of the horses I'd met so far, put her voice up an octave and got really touchy feely with me for the first several days. I'm okay with comforting gestures, but I can only take so much before they start to smother me.
I digress.
Pinkie was still hopping circles around me and I long gave up on tracking her with my eyes. Instead, I put my focus on the yellow and pink pegasus, Fluttershy. She lived up to her name too- she was very shy. It seemed as if she was wilting from my stare alone. Granted, I was once a powerhouse of a guy, but how intimidating is a tiny horse with a horn on its head? As much so as a box full of kittens, I assume.
Suddenly, Pinkie stopped in front of me with a grin.
"We're going to make cupcakes and play games and send you to school and introduce you to the princesses and..."
"Sam."
I turned my head to Twilight while Pinkie kept talking.
"I'm sorry I drank the milk I poured you. Can I get you another glass?"
I smiled a false smile at her. "That's okay, I'm not thirsty."
"...find you your cutie mark and help you find a special somepony and teach you how to cook cakes, but not Mr. and Mrs. Cake, and..."
"Are you sure? I'm sure I have more, and... I have water and juice too if you like."
I shook my head. "Thank you, though. And thank you for teaching me how to use my magic."
She blinked. "I didn't teach you much. What I showed you how to do was one of the most simple manipulations. Trust me, there's a lot more where that came from!"
She finished her statement with a smile. "We'll make a unicorn out of you yet."
"...and even send you to the same place I got my Master in Philosophy! Or I can send you where I got my Master in Equestrian History. Come to think of it, I can probably also send you..."
Pinkie stopped abruptly and her eyes widened.
"I'll be right back," she said, and in a flash she was gone.
"I still say she's faster than you are Dash," said Applejack.
Rainbow scoffed. "Please. I can travel twice the speed of crazy."
"I hear it in your voice, Rainbow. You doubt," I said. The others chuckled while she scowled.
Before she could respond, Pinkie burst back through the door rolling what looked like a blue cannon with her.
I, for whatever reason, instantly thought of a Kraut mortar system. We called it a Screaming Mimi. I never saw it in action, but I heard the stories behind it and I feared it immensely.
The next thing I heard was an explosion, and I was on the battlefield again being pinned in a foxhole.
A Kraut machine gunner was fixed on my position and pelting it. The guy I was sharing the foxhole with caught a round to the head. I was doing all I could to burrow into the dirt. So far, I wasn't hit.
There was a gunshot from a foxhole near mine, and the machine gunner let up. I poked my head up to see the Kraut slumped over his weapon. I pulled the Mongoose, and aimed as well. In an encampment like the one I was engaging with, there was always more than just one. I learned that from one of my squad mates.
Sure enough, I saw movement- a helmet moving just behind the sandbags. The dead Kraut was pulled back and off the gun- as he fell I took note that about a quarter of his head was missing- I could see scalp flopping uselessly over the wound.
I aimed directly at the machine gun itself, and was prepared to open fire as soon as the next one attempted to take it.
A mortar shell landed just shy of me in the foxhole, but did not detonate. I managed to turn to see it, but in so doing lost my chance to kill the next one before he could get a shot off.
Again the machine gun was roaring, but this time it was pinning down the sniper that killed the first one. I knew, however, that if I were to try and leave the foxhole, I would be cut down in short order.
I had a staring contest with the mortar shell. Dud or not, it was to be considered live ordinance until it either detonated or was safely disarmed.
I suddenly felt an incredible surge of soothing energy come over me, and the battleground I was in gave way to the castle again. At the moment, however, I was only aware of a few things:
I was shaking like a leaf and hiding under the table, but I wasn't crying. I was gasping for breath, as if I'd run a mile. Fluttershy was reaching a hoof out to me as if to coax me from my hiding place, and the others were eyeing me with varying degrees of concern.
Pinkie was noticeably absent.
"Sammy, please come out. It's okay. Pinkie didn't mean to scare you," cooed Fluttershy.
For whatever reason, her voice soothed me. I felt my heartbeat returning to a steady rhythm and my breathing become more relaxed the more she coaxed me. I inched my way towards her bit by bit while the others looked on. The Screaming Mimi was nowhere to be spotted, but confetti littered the floor along with a few party hats. I even saw some balloons tied off in varying places.
"Wh- wh..." I choked on my words. Fluttershy beckoned me forward and I crept out from under the table. Remarkably, I did not faint this time.
Fluttershy tried to pull me in for a hug, but I reared away. She settled for just sitting near me while I tried to slow my breathing down.
"You okay?" asked Applejack. I was still shaking.
"Wha..."
"Pinkie Pie loves parties," explained Twilight with a hint of concern in her voice. "She loves them so much so that she got a party cannon to help her prepare them and throw them."
I stared blankly.
"She wanted to throw you a welcome party, Sammy. The adoption papers make you her filly, and... I guess she got really excited."
"She didn't mean to scare you. When she saw what state you were in she was so upset. She's outside now because she feared scaring you more," said Fluttershy.
"I- I... a party cannon?" I squeaked. I wasn't looking, but I could feel Fluttershy nod.
"She uses it to prepare entire parties. One shot can set up a room."
"How?" I asked, a hint of alarm on my face.
"Pinkie Pie," said Rainbow. She seemed like she was trying to keep her cool, but i could see concern in her eyes; concern for me.
I knew all these horses for less than a day, and I hated that I felt so comfortable around them. Was everyone around here so easy to befriend; so... intoxicating?
"Pinkie," I rasped. "I should talk to her."
The others then proceeded to talk simultaneously over each other, each saying things varying from "Oh, you don't have to if you don't want to" to "She only meant to make you feel welcome. It would be a nice gesture to forgive her."
I knew that Pinkie didn't mean to scare me. The German war machine was about as far from my mind as could be, and then there was that explosion, and...
I gave my head a shake while squeezing my eyes shut. I saw very little action back home, right? Why was I being haunted by combat fatigue?
Seeing the husks of my side's vehicles laying wrecked all about, maybe? The bodies I saw strewn about the ambush zone? The graphic detail in stories told by those in the barracks who were then no stranger to combat? It felt like so little to me, as cold-hearted as that may sound.
Men much bigger and better than me have seen far worse atrocities. I felt as though my reactions and night terrors were some kind of weird award for service and I'd not earned them yet.
When I found Pinkie, I had to fight back the urge to gasp. She was sitting on a bench outside that I swear wasn't there earlier, and she may as well have had a storm cloud hovering over her head. She refused to look up, even when I approached. Even her normally poofy mane was drooped down over a shoulder.
"Can I tell you a secret, Pinkie?" I asked. She didn't respond but the flick of her ears.
"I had a brother."
She looked at me finally, but said nothing. She blinked. Her eyes were reddened, as if she'd been crying.
"His name was Stevie. Nicest guy you'd ever meet and he was positively massive."
I sat beside her. "He could tear large textbooks in half."
Pinkie still said nothing, but I saw in her eyes she was listening intently.
"He was older than me physically, but he was slow."
Pinkie tilted her head.
"He was slow mentally, Pinkie. He understood what family was, and he understood basic concepts and words, but..."
I gave my head a shake. "He didn't really understand things like morals or death. Bless him though, he tried to."
I took a breath. "When my cousin died, I had to tell him twelve times."
"How did your cousin die?" she asked softly. I fixed a hard look on her for a moment, but looked away.
"He was killed. I..."
I gulped, and squeezed my eyes shut. "I can't remember how or where."
Pinkie gasped, but allowed me to continue.
"I kept saying, 'Stevie. You need to get it this time. Donny isn't coming back. He's dead.' He kept asking me to get Donny to help explain what he was doing."
I scooted closer to Pinkie. "We didn't always see eye to eye. There was just so much that he couldn't understand. He tried to bathe my hamster once and ended up drowning it. I didn't speak to him for two weeks."
Pinkie's eyes overflowed, and I sighed.
"The point is, sometimes really bad things happen."
I smiled up at her. "But I don't hate for it or think less of those around me for it."
"So, you don't hate me?" she asked, a bit of hope blossoming in her voice. I shook my head.
"You were willing to take a random off the street and adopted her thereafter. You had no idea I would react that way to your surprise- come to think of it, I didn't even know it. I'm not mad at you. I certainly don't hate you-"
I was cut off by a loud squeal and a bone crushing hug. I heard a poof, as if a parachute had opened. Her mane had seemingly gone back to its normal state- organized chaos.
"So you're not going to go to the orphanage and have funny backwards talking dreams with the flaming cards?"
I smiled and shook my head, then squinted my eyes.
"Say, why do you want me to stay so badly?"
She grinned. "I like making friends and I like making ponies smile. Plus, it seems like everypony else has someone. Rarity has Sweetie Belle, Applejack has Applebloom, Rainbow has Scootaloo, Twilight has Spike, and Fluttershy has Discord. Sure, I have my sisters but they don't live so close."
Pinkie's ears drooped for a moment, then perked up.
"Then I saw you, and how sad you looked. I just knew I had to do something for you. When I found out you were alone- that settled it!"
She grinned at me. "Questions?"
I held a hoof up. "Who are Sweetie Belle, Apple Boom, Tootaloo, and is "Discord" a band name? Because it sounds like a band name to me."
She was about to respond when I felt a raindrop. I frowned up at the sky and heard Pinkie gasp. The rain started picking up from nowhere, but it wasn't normal rain.
Chocolate rain.
"What fresh hell is this?" I muttered.
"My, but what a mouth on that one."
I was standing in a second, but Pinkie didn't seem to be surprised or anything. Within seconds another creature appeared before me, and it was a total mish mosh of animals with a serpentine body, but limbs of different creatures. He was facing away from us for a moment, then whirled about, pulling off a top hat I'd only then noticed.
"Well? First impressions?"
I blinked, and he chuckled. "Stunned silence works for me. Hello, Pinkie Pie."
"Hi, Discord!"
I looked to my side and saw Pinkie standing again, only now she was holding an umbrella above me.
Don't bother. I have no idea where she got it from either.
"Hello, and you must be Sam. Or is it Sammy nowadays?"
I scowled, but eyed him up and down. "What are you supposed to be?" The creature put a paw to his chest, and gasped as though my words wounded him.
"Isn't it obvious? I'm the master manipulator; the embodiment of chaos and disharmony itself- the latter only on Tuesdays though. Discord itself."
The mismatch creature proceeded to hold out a lion's paw with a grin, which I took uneasily.
"Charmed," he said lowly.
He looked me over, and then reached into Pinkie's mane, pulling out a stethoscope.
I swear to God I'm not making any of this up.
Pinkie exclaimed something about having misplaced it, but I wasn't listening. Discord, meanwhile, held it to my chest.
"Come to think of it, what are you supposed to be, Sammy? You really ought to get those marks checked out."
He poked at one of the pale areas that marred my fur- everywhere there was a spot on me coincided with where i'd been stabbed. No, hit. Beaten?
Wait, what happened to me that left me with scars?
Oh, right! It was during the war. One of the Krauts hit me with some nasty spells and my fur never regained its lost color.
He snapped his fingers in front of my eyes and I came back to reality.
"Let's see, the thousand yard stare, extreme fear of explosions and especially loud noises, strange scarring... What in Equestria could that all mean?"
I blinked again, and sniffed. "You smell," I said plainly.
Not to brag or anything, but I managed to get the self appointed master of chaos himself to actually shrink back, if only for a moment.
"It's rude to say things like that, young lady," he said. Then, he took a whiff of his underarm.
"But in this case, you're right. You two pulled me from my bath time with your gossip!"
Before either of us could say a word, he pulled a shower cap out of his top hat, and placed it on his head.
"Toodaloo!"
With that, he snapped, and was gone as soon as he appeared. The rain had stopped again with his departure. We were silent for a moment, after which Pinkie piped up.
"...So that was Discord."
Pinkie and I returned to the castle together. I suppose the spring in her step and that I kept my head up spoke for us, as the others smiled.
With help from one of the others, I put on a party hat that was on the ground. Pinkie, though I swear she hadn't touched one of them since we got in, was wearing one now herself.
A noisemaker was in her mouth too, and she grinned through it before sounding it off.
As if on cue, more confetti fell from above, and my first Pinkie Party began for real.
It was the first of many under her roof.
End of Chapter