Album 1: The Greatest Gala Ever
Chapter 9: Obligatory Mulan Reference
There's one thing I've learned to expect after living in Equestria.
Things aren't QUITE the same in the show as the reality of it.
In the show, Shining Armor was a comical, slightly ditzy, but undeniably powerful unicorn with a cute 'surfer boy' accent....
The surfer boy accent was real.....
The scary as fuck unicorn it was coming out of, however, is NOT the Shining Armor from the cartoon.
It's the real deal, and he was looking at me like a US Marine looks down at an ex-terrorist...
Like he's trying to decide just which of his who-knows-how-many ways to kill me with his bare hooves he wants to use.
He's not dinky, short, or goofy. Silly accent aside, this guy looked downright PISSED that I was even alive, let alone nearby.
What's worse...
I had the VERY distinct feeling I was being watched....and it sure as fuck wasn't Celestia.
"S-so." I began, shivering lightly under Captain Shining Armor's glare, "Um....any hopes you could...t-teach me how to fight?"
He just kept staring, sending off WAVES of pure, unbridled, undeniable loathing directed right at me....I was seriously feeling sick to my stomach. He kept on staring, and staring, and staring, and-
"Can you please stop staring, it's kinda creepy."
"That depends." He said, "WHY are you here?"
I took in a big gulp and steeled my resolve before answering...pinkie pie style.
"Princess Celestia dragged me from my home world and turned me into a changeling so I can spy on the other humans dragged to Equestria and now I realized I'm a breeder which means I'm only good for sex but I'm gonna need to fight and Chrysalis wants to kill me and everyone seems to hate me and I'm honestly only here so I can learn how to defend myself because I DON'T WANNA DI-HI-HI-HIIIIEEEEE!!!!!!!"
I'll admit...not my manliest moment... But it got Armor's expression to change....
From a menacing glare to an equally frightening grin.
"Alright then. We'll give you a nice, fast crash course in combat. You live, you pass..."
"Wait...we?" I was fucked.
I knew I was, because the BESHEMOTH of a pegasus that tried to squish me back in Ponyville landed with a deafening thud, the shock-wave knocking me off of my feet and disrupting my form, turning me back into a normal-ish changeling. She stood there wearing a much MUCH heavier, and sharper-looking version of the gold Royal Guard armor, her stark pink hair and canary yellow fur reminded me of Fluttershy. But I swear to you she looked like a god-damned TANK! A FLYING TANK!
But just when I thought it couldn't get worse, ANOTHER pony, this one a dark grey Earth Pony, JUMPED off of the highest tower of the castle, and came crashing down with enough force to leave a CRATER! A TEN FOOT DEEP CRATER! And the fucker just WALKS the ever-loving fuck out of it like it was nothing! Unlike the buff beauty of a pegasus or Shining armor's comparatively lanky build, this guy could put Roid Rage to shame in terms of sheer BULK! EASILY as tall as Celestia, he walked not on legs, but on trees! I thought that that pegasus was a tank, then this fuck must be a god-damned BATTLESHIP in pony form! His armor was much sleeker than either the pegasus, or Shining Armor, but it's deep forest green and high-water grey colors definitely brought to mind some kind of tank/battleship hybrid. And then he decides to smile at me.
I wish he hadn't....
Unlike NORMAL ponies...this guy is either part dragon, or FILES SHARP his teeth! As in they look razor sharp and pointy! WHY!? WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT OTHER THAN TO LOOK FUCKING SCARY!?
"Changeling Knightmare."Armor began, "You already know that I am Captain Shining Armor. But while I'm CONSIDERED Captain of the Royal Guard, in truth, I only command the Unicorns. These are my friends, companions, and peers."
He points dramatically to the pegasus, "This is Captain Barricade 'The Golden Bulldozer' Shy." ....FUCK, SHE'S FLUTTERSHY'S MOTHER!?
He then points to the Earth Pony, "And this is Captain Harbinger 'The Swift Lightning' Doom." Harbinger Doom.....well there's a super-villain name if I ever heard one!
"Then...what's YOUR title?" I asked, feeling rather stupid...
"Simple, I am Captain Shining Armor, The Unbreakable Shield." Thank you Captain Obvious!
"Now then!" Armor began, "Lets get down to business!
You gotta be shitting me! I am in SO much trouble!
I ducked to the dusty ground, barely dodging a 'barrier ram' from Armor, the thrown shield smacking into a wooden post with enough force to shatter it.
Harbinger reared up and stomped down with enough force to send nearly a dozen such poles uprooting themselves and falling, all aimed right at me!
I tried to fly, but my screwball wings were too erratic and I BARELY dodged Barricade trying to slam into me. The force of her flight sent me reeling past several rookie guards watching the mayhem. HOW I wasn’t dead yet, I still don't fully comprehend. I shifted back to my preferred form and high tailed it out of there, bolting for the more densely packed area of the parade grounds.
As I zipped past various confused guards, followed closely by their captains, I spotted a series of tall poles, like the ones I’d earlier. Stuck in the top of the tallest was an arrow. My mind careened back to when I watched 'Mulan' and I hoped and prayed that cartoon logic would mean I'd 'pass' if I could grab that arrow....
I charged up to the pole and swung my guitar, the razor sharp edge biting into the wood. Using it as a balance, I began running alongside the pole, the angle of my instrument’s blade pushing me up, allowing me to, literally, run up the side of the pole.
Down below, Barricade took to the skies and began dive-bombing me, attempting to knock me off of the pillar.
Shining Armor created sharp claws of magic and began climbing straight up after me.
And Harbinger....leaped from the ground, to a shorter pole, landing atop it. He used his velocity to launch himself up to ANOTHER pole, literally hopping from pole to pole, getting higher and closer to the tallest pole with each death-defying leap.
FUCK!
No one told me that gigantic BRUTE could do Le Parkour! The fucker's a freerunner! HOW!? HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE!?
Fuck it, my brain is so fried at this point all I cared about was NOT DIEING! Which was beginning to look less and less likely as I scrambled my way up the pole.
EVENTUALLY, I reached the top.... It was over ten stories high. I spotted the arrow sticking just on the edge of the pole, and grabbed it.
JUUUUUST in time for Barricade, Armor, and Harbinger to PLOW right into me.
We fell, a ten story drop RIGHT to the ground. The landing could be heard clear into the throne room!
In the Royal Throne Room
Aoi heard a loud thud come from outside.
"What was that noise?" Celestia answered seamlessly.
"Oh, that's probably Knightmare training."
"Who's Knightmare?"
"My friend... he's helping me with something." Her mood turned to an indifferent state. She waved the matter away. Aoi sighed, wondering what could possibly be going on.
"Anyway, thanks for letting me talk with you, and thanks for the ticket."
Back at the parade grounds
"GROUND!" I screamed, "SWEET MERCIFUL SOLID-AS-FUCK GROUND!!!!" I slammed my body to the ground and began kissing sweet mother Gaia. I can honestly say I'd never been so scared in my life. As we hit the ground, my life flashed before my eyes. ...Fuck I was one boring-ass bastard.
As you can guess, I survived.
How, is still beyond me.
I stood to account for my surroundings. The arrow was stuck between the holes in my hooves, somehow. My guitar was stuck to my back, levitating an inch off of it, a spell perhaps? Surrounding me were none other than the Captains of the Royal Guard.
"Um...oops?" I didn't know what to think or to do at the moment. I felt a chill down my spine as Shining Armor smiled.
"Congratulations, Knightmare. You've completed the entrance exam. You're now part of the Equestrian Royal Guard."
I smiled happily, "I guess that means it's time for a training montage, huh?" At the curt nod from the elder trio of badasses, my smile managed to widen. THEN LET ME SHOW YOU WHAT I'M MADE OF!"
The 'training montage' is roughly what you'd expect, save for with much more singing. After nearly three hours, it came to an end. I was sore, battered, bruised, but felt stronger than I had in years. I’d even met a weird wolf named Aoi during my training, who seemed like an alright guy - until he asked to join the training and KICKED MY ASS FROM HERE TO EARTH AND BACK! I don’t know what was up with that sword of his but I swear I could feel chitin coming off my body anytime it came within 6 inches of me. He even had the nerve to be all cool as he walked saying “You need more training” or some shit. Well DUH! That’s why I was THERE.
You think you’d have remembered Aoi’s words of wisdom...
I was tired, sore, and my brain was malfunctioning due to PAIN. I’m lucky I remembered my own damn name...
....point taken.
I shoved open the door to the parade grounds at a sluggish pace, feeling quite sore. A quick crack of my neck sends a couple of nobles running. Good, I'm not in the mood to be stared at after meeting that 'Aoi' character.
"Ah, Knightmare, there you are. I have been meaning to talk to you about someth- What happened to you?" I heard that angelic voice, filled with worry. My wounds seemed to ache less at the loving tone of Princess Celestia.....Great Guacamole, when did I get so sappy? That didn't stop me from letting out a light 'eep' in my shock.
"Uh, Princess!" I stuttered, feeling shocked. "Hi...Um, yeah. I trained with the guard, they're rougher than I thought. Met some wolf-dude named 'Aoi'...and he kinda kicked my ass. And he said I've got potential....I think that's a good thing." I was desperate to hide my wounds, especially the cut on my neck, lest she send me back to the infirmary.
"Training with the Guard when you should have been relaxing?" She made that 'tsk tsk tsk' sound (you know the kind, right?) when someone thinks you've been misbehaving...yeah. "Well, I hope they didn't treat you too harshly on the account of you being a changeling and all. Now, follow me, lets get you cleaned up. I'm not sure the how the nobles would react with you by my side in such a state." She smiled, but it fell into a frown, wrapping a wing around me. "And we have a rather sensitive subject to discuss..."
I gulped, feeling nervous. "What KIND of sensitive subject?" I spotted the Mane Six approaching. "....if it involves those gals, I'm assuming it's not something pleasant."
Celestia turned around, spotting the Mane Six as well. "The girls? Don't worry, it has little to do with them" The princess gave a gentle giggle. "Now, come this way. We have to talk in private. I can talk to Twilight and her friends later." Celestia began to walk toward the section of the main hall which has the more high-profile guest who are discussing important matters, with the aid of small booths with what seemed to be a unicorn in servant uniform standing beside each booth.
I took a quick look around, "Seems we've got reinforcements to prepare for the Gala." I spotted the three Captains roaming about, barking orders to their subordinates, "And some higher security..."
Princess Celestia walked onwards, seemingly not put off by the number of Guards in the slightest. She spotted a un-occupied booth, and made her way over to it, and sat herself down on the comfortable cushion inside. "Knightmare, please be seated." She nodded to the unicorn in standing by the booth. The unicorn's horn lit up for a second, and all of the background noise of the Gala vanished.
I breathe nervously. "So...a silencing spell....I'm guessing this is one of those 'This never happened' types of things? National security? It's a big risk, isn't it? Trusting me so soon?”
The princess nodded, her voice and countenance turning serious. "You are right on all accounts there. This is not just the security of my little ponies we are talking about here, but life as we know it. Do you understand?" Celestia asked, all of the previous playfulness in her voice gone.
I breathed deeply and let out a calming sigh. "Yes." I can, believe it or not, realise when it's a bad time to be silly, and this is a VERY bad time for silliness. "I understand fully, your majesty."
"Good. Has there ever been anything that you have encountered that needs to be locked away for the safety of others? To do your duty to Serve, Contain, and Protect all of those you love? "
I continued my slow breathing. "Yes.... Things too dangerous to comprehend.... You studied me, you know the answer all too well. That’s why you got someone from my location of work, isn’t it?"
"Then I have some important information regarding such..... items. Beneath this castle, lies the most secure complex in the entirety of the known world." Celestia paused "A facility simply known as 'The Black Vault'. I take it you understand the need for such security at events like these? "
I offered a slow nod. "So, even here...things like 'them' exist.... I'm assuming that Discord and Nightmare Moon's armor are among them?"
"Yes, they were. Up to now, Discord was the only Article in the vault to have escaped, and we now have to keep him imprisoned in the public eye, which is a nightmare for security. We would like no more articles to escape. Recently, we received some information that something may happen tonight , from our most successful operative, whom you have met."
I quirked my brow. Curious.... "And whom, praytell, may that be?" My mind went into hyperdrive, 'It would have to be someone Celestia trusts, someone reliable, someone dedicated. "Twilight?"
Celestia shook her head, "No, too obvious. It is somepony you would least expect "
I tap my chin, thinking calmly. "Rarity would be too obvious after hearing that, Applejack's too honest, she couldn't keep such a thing secret. Rainbow Dash is too headstrong, she'd be dead by dawn. Fluttershy, bless her soul, is too gentle for the danger. That leaves what would have been my second option." I smile and answer. "Pinkie Pie."
"Correct. "
I smile and snap my fingers, "Shoulda known. She shows traits of being a Spirit Medium. Makes dealing with such dangers much easier. It's a life or death situation for a magic-less mortal like me. But a spirit medium? Especially one of Pinkie's caliber? It'd be a walk in the park."
"Correct again. We were close to making her an Article herself when we discovered her abilities. But she wanted to help , and she did. The wheels of our society continue to turn thanks to Agents like her. I have a question to ask of you, Knightmare, if you wouldn't mind..."
I steep my fingers, like Gendo Ikari. "Ask away, my beloved princess."
"I am afraid to ask this of you, but it is why I went straight to your organization upon reaching your world. I was hoping you would be willing to act as an agent here in Equestria. I know our world may seem idyllic but, especially with the recent influx of transformed humans, I need an agent who can interact on their level and determine their threat to Equestria. Maybe I should ask first how your experiences with your planet’s organization went...." Celestia trailed off, waiting for me to answer.
I frown. "The organization back on Earth. In a world without magic, suddenly finding undeniably magical constructs is frightening. My organization dedicated to locating such things and keeping them locked away for study. Sometimes, with particularly dangerous or hostile items, they had to be 'decommissioned'." I spoke with a grave tone, making it clear just WHAT 'decommissioning' was... and with the morbid tone that not all of these 'items' were non-living... "I may not have magical powers, or super-weapons...but I've faced a fair few horrors in my life. Ones that getting your memory erased doesn't fully hide. All it hides is the details, you can never forget the sheer terror... Suffice to say, there is a lot I wish I had never encountered. I don’t even remember why exactly I joined in the first place. And a lot of what I do remember, i don’t have words to describe well. But, it’s different here and I will join you because I want to join you."
I watch my beloved Princess flinch. "I.. I should not have asked such a question. It obviously brings up many terrible memories. And for that, i am deeply sorry." I feel my wounds heal and my spirits lift, feeling her give me a gentle nuzzle on the cheek. "You know, I believe we should get back to the Gala. Some ponies are probably missing us by know. "
I return the nuzzle with a quick smooch, hugging her gently. "No worries. You called me here to help you with this 'game'. Whatever you need, just ask and I'll deliver to my utmost best."
"I know that you will." The hug continues on, I honestly don't want to let go, but I let my arms slack off as she lifts herself up. We give each other a curt nod and leave the booth.
I smile and tag along after the princess. Preparations are finally underway, with everypony getting involved. I even see Griffin in the distance, setting up for his concert. With a calm smile, I march along to find something to help with, eventually locating Pinkie Pie, of all ponies. "Greetings, Agent Pie." I say, just wondering what reaction I'd get.
I slap my face with my palm as the almost inevitable occurs, Pinkie leaping into the air and gasping for a full second and running off. "Oi, why was I expecting a 'normal' reaction from Pinkie Pie." I take a look at what she was doing, setting up streamers. I shrug and opt to continue her work for a bit.
That was actually fairly normal for her.
Celestia smiled at Pinkie’s antics. "I am afraid that we have to part ways for now Knightmare. Pinkie will make sure everything is fine." Celestia abruptly began to walk away, as if she is trying to get away from something.
There was a bright flash, and all of the guests in sight simply stopped moving around me. Some strange wall of fog arose, trapping me and the time-stopped ponies in this corner of the ballroom. I turn around to see a massive banner with 'Welcome to the Organisation!' on it. Standing underneath it, next to the party cannon and wearing a clockwork top-hat was none other than Pinkie Pie.
My eyes bulged out of my head from the shock, enough to paralyze me for a moment with pain. Yes, it actually worked like that. "Uh...wat."
" It's your welcome party silly! "Pinkie laughed, taking my confusion as response to her surprise party.
I looked around in shock, "YOU JUST STOPPED TIME!!!!! For a party? ....within a party?"
Pinkie pulled a pull spinner out of her hammer space, and spun it on the ground. It stopped spinning, and fell. She smiled at me. "Just checking" The pink madmare winked at me innocently.
I tried to calm down, my expression still contorted by the sheer 'whatthefuckery' of this situation. "So...I'm now part of the Equestrian version of the SCP Foundation?” I sighed, my decision finally hitting me. “You get out of it one place and it finds you in another....bah, I promised Celestia, and I refuse to break a promise to the mare of my dreams." I clamped a hand over my mouth almost instantly, realising just what I'd said a bit too late..... Seriously, when did I start hitting a second puberty?
"You love Celestia? AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW" The pink psycho giggled at my misfortune.
I blushed for a moment and shrug. "So? I don't care what others think of me. I like being honest, especially with my feelings." I smiled. To this day I'm damn proud that I don't fear the opinions of others, but that doesn't change how embarrassing it is to announce you have romantic feelings for royalty, let alone royalty of an entirely different species, though I suppose that we’re certainly closer in genetics now. Ahhh, bad thoughts, shoo!
"Confidence is key! " Pinkie yelled , then looked around the enclosed space we're in. "You know who Griffin is right?"
I nodded, "Yeah. I met him when he docked. Hell, I sang 'Peanut Butter Jelly Time' with him...you'd have loved that song."
Pinkie laughed again. "Who do you think made that recipe, HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM?" Pinkie then leaned in, putting her face awkwardly close to mine.
I stumbled backwards, landing on my ass, "Ohohoooookay! Any particular reason for that?"
"Just to make sure you wouldn't doubt me. Anyways, Griffin said some meanie things about you!” She made weird motions with her hands, her eyes turning pitch black for a brief second.
My eye twitched. "'Meanie Things'? ....What? You've been eavesdropping on him or something?"
" Oh Noooooooooo, just using my Pinkie Sense and what not. It's really handy for that stuff."
Involuntarily, I blinked. "Your pinkie sense? ....oh no, don't tell me you can READ MINDS, too!!!!"
'Dammit! don't think, Knightmare, don't think! If she can read minds YOU DO NOT WANT TO PICTURE THAT celestia******luna******withtwilightand***************trixie****HIPPOPOTAMUS**********celery******Inacastlefarfaraway FUCK I SAID DON'T THINK YOU FOOL!'
I thought of something else 'Knightmareascelestiamarchingalongcanterlotwhilesinging'Timestandstillattheironhill' FUCK!'
The pink menace grinned wider and wider with each weird thought that entered my mind.
I think of something else, ANYTHING ELSE! ANYTHING BUT THAT! 'TrixiwandtwilightdoingaduetofAmericanBadassinponyville' OH YOU SUNUVABITCH!
I give up with a sigh, letting my mind wander on it's own. "Shit, trying to not think is impossible right now....so...what did he say that was important enough to tell me?"
"Wehehehelll..." She began recounting Griffin's inner thoughts....
As a changeling, he looked a bit different than the ones I remember. He had four wings, arranged in an 'X' on his back, had a strange looking ax with guitar strings, and was a bit bigger than the drones. Okay, so he was armed, but the look in his eye said it all. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOB! If he's ever been in a fight and won, then I play Halo against extremely high voiced adults who have all slept with my mother.
Mein gott? Great, he's german. Don't mention the war, don't mention the war, don't mention the war.
Doof? DOOF? I take it back, he's not a kid, he's a geezer. Seriously, he talks like he's eighty.
Sure pal, just drop the f-bomb in front of all these ponies at megaphone volume. I at least try to keep my language in check in front of the naives. I could see several mares putting hooves to each other's ears comically to blot out the innocence robbing sailor talk. I'm allowed to use it because I AM a fucking sailor. My ship is moored to the fifth tower!
Must. Resist. Urge. To. Crush. Skull. Whew. That was close, Celestia wouldn't be happy if I killed her number one fan.
'Wait, breeder? How does she know he's a....... measuring tape, he's lying on his back...... oh. OH! EEEWWWWW! Bad thoughts bad thoughts bad thoughts!
Oh, how I have quickly grown to HATE that bird-brain.
I twitched again, fumes leaking from my ears. "Seriously?" I growled, "He SERIOUSLY thinks I'm THAT depraved? ...What kind of warped worldview is he working from to assume that EVERYTHING is so sexual? Iit was Twilight's idea to measure the damn thing, not mine! FUCK! OK, I don't care if he's become some kind of national hero, that asshat needs to be put in his place!"
I stopped ranting, a cruel, sadistic grin spreading across my face. "Oh Pinkie!" I said, lacing my voice with a singsong tone, "Mind helping me with...a prank?"
"Why of COURSE!" She said, bouncing happily, "I'll always help a prankster in need!"
I grinned and motioned for Pinkie to come closer, whispering my plans into her ears, to ensure that, even in this dead silence, only SHE could hear it.
Pinkie began giggling, her giggles becoming more and more sadistic with every passing second until... Yesss! YYYEEEESSSSS! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!
I let loose an evil chuckle of my own.... "Let's begin, shall we, my dear?"