Everybody Talks
“What in Equestria is happening?!”
“Hey, Twi! Where’ve you been all day?”
“Pinkie? Is that you? Where are you?!”
“Huh? What do you mean? I'm right here!”
“But where is ‘here’? Where am I?! Where is anything?!”
“Hey, calm down! You're not making any sense. Here, have a drink.”
“I don't want a drink, I want answers! Something's gone terribly wrong with the world, and we have to fix it!”
“You sure? It's chocolate milk. The really tasty, expensive kind that Rarity gets.”
“Pinkie! This isn't the time for jokes, I—”
“Just drink the choccy milk, Twi. You'll feel better. Once you've calmed down, we can talk about what's got you so razzle-frazzled.”
"Fine!”
“There ya go, all better. Now, have a seat, and you can tell Auntie Pinkie about what's bothering you.”
“I don't understand what's happening. You're here, and I'm here, but here is… Nowhere. Nothing. But how is that possible?”
“Hm… Oh! I get it now! You were out of town this past weekend, right?”
“Um… Yes? I was visiting Shining. What does that matter?”
“Yeah, so you missed all the hullabaloo. Looooong story short, The Narrator quit.”
“I'm sorry, the who did what?”
“You know, The Narrator! That funny little voice that comes between our lines to paint the scene and describe our actions? Oh, you know the ‘Once upon a time' guy? That's him! Same guy who did ‘La Fin’ and ‘They all lived happily ever after’. Talented guy, it's a shame to see him go.“
“The Narrator? Like in a movie?”
“Or a TV show or a radio drama or a book or a fanfiction. See, I knew you knew! Everyone knows him, even if you don't know that you know him.”
“Right… and this… Narrator. He quit?”
“Yeppers. He was getting a lot of… not-so-constructive criticism, so he up and left.”
“What type of criticism?”
“Well, some people said he gave away the plot and made it too easy to predict. Then some people said he didn't show enough for them to reach a conclusion on the ending. And some said that the villain was too villainous, and another said he had written himself into a corner, and some just don't like the cut of his jib so they dislike everything he does without even reading it first! I think a couple have even reported him for no reason.”
“That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.”
“Yeah, he said the same thing. So, last week, he said ‘I’m outta here! You dummies can figure this out on your own!’. Except he used a D-word that was a lot ruder than ‘dummy’.”
“So, let me just get this straight… You're telling me that there's some ‘narrator’ who's been effectively describing the world into existence? And over the weekend he just quit?”
“See, I knew there was a reason you're the brain of the operation.”
“Pinkie, if you're pranking me—”
“You think I completely unwound your perception of reality, causing potentially unknown damage to the universe and giving you a panic attack, as a prank?”
“That makes as much sense as anything else you said!”
“Nah, I'm more of a slapstick, physical humor kinda mare. If there was a pie to the face involved, then I'd see why you might think it was me.”
“Hm… I suppose this isn't really your sense of humor… Oh. Oh no.”
“What's up? Think of someone who might know something about this whole Narrator situation? Oh, wait! You know who probably actually would find this really funny?”
“Fluttershy!”
“ah!”
“What? No, silly, Fluttershy hates this kinda stuff! I was gonna say—
“Fluttershy, can you hear me? Where's Discord? If he's not responsible for this, then he probably knows who is and how to fix it.”
“oh, um. I'm not sure, actually. I haven't heard from him in… maybe a month?”
“A month?! He's your coltfriend!”
“um… we're on a break, actually. nothing's wrong, just that we both needed some time apart. he did give me this crystal I can use to call him if I needed to, but I'm not so sure… Rarity said I can't call him or else I'll look desperate…”
“Fluttershy, this is the fabric of the universe we're talking about! Rarity’s romantic advice does NOT apply here!”
“Besides, Rarity’s still single, so what does she know?”
"Oy! Miss Pie! I'll have you know that I am currently single by choice! Besides, I've had more coltfriends than you."
"Oh, hey, Rarebear. Remind me next time we go to the market, I owe you a chocolate milk. I took your last bottle cause Twi was having a breakdown and she needed help."
"It was you! Oh, dear, I owe Sweetie an apology. I grounded her for nothing…”
"Fluttershy! Call Discord and tell him to come fix this!"
"but what if he asks me where we stand? I don't know if I'm ready to recommit yet…"`
"Fine! Just give me the crystal, and I'll call him!”
"ok. um… how exactly do I give it to you? I'm not even sure where it is. or where we are. oh my… I can see why this would be distressing…"
"I dunno why you guys are having so much trouble with this. It was pretty easy for me to get a hold of."
"That's right! Pinkie, you exist slightly outside of our general understanding of reality, you might be the key! You gave me the chocolate milk earlier, how did you do that?”
"Hm… I kinda just… did it, y'know? I said to take it and you said you would, so you had it."
"Okay, then… So if I just say ‘oh, here's the crystal, it's right in my hoof’ then—! Sweet Celestia, it worked! I'm calling Discord now."
¿ƃuıןןɐɔ s'oɥʍ ʞsɐ ı ʎɐɯ .ʎɥɔɹɐuɐ ɟo pɹoן ,pɹoɔsıp ¿oןןǝʎ
"What the hay?! Discord, are you… upside down?"
ʇınb ʞɔɐɥ ʇɐɥʇ ǝɹoɟǝq ɟןǝsʎɯ pǝʇuǝıɹoǝɹ ǝʌ'pןnoɥs ı ʍǝuʞ ı ,ǝʞɐs s’ɐıʇsǝןǝɔ ɹoɟ ,ɥo ¿ı ɯɐ…
"I'm having a bit of a hard time understanding you, but it sounds like you know of this Narrator character?"
.ǝsoɹd ןnɟpɐǝɹp ʎןǝʇnןosqɐ ,sʞuıʇs ǝɥ .ǝuoƃ s'ǝɥ pɐןƃ ɯ'ı ,ʎןןɐuosɹǝd .sǝʎ ,ʎןǝʇɐunʇɹoɟun
"Well, we need him back to make sense of things. Things are getting really weird here in Ponyville. Where is he?"
¿ʎʇıןɐǝɹ ɟo ǝuɐןd ɹǝɥʇouɐ ɯoɹɟ ןɐʇɹoɯ-uou ʎɹǝʌǝ ɟo sʇnoqɐǝɹǝɥʍ ǝɥʇ ʍouʞ ʇsnɾ ı ʇɐɥʇ ɹoɯnɥ-ɐʇǝɯ ןɐuoısɐɔɔo puɐ soɐɥɔ ɟo ƃuıǝq ןɐuoısuǝɯıp-ɐɹʇxǝ uɐ ɯɐ ı ǝsnɐɔǝq ʇsnɾ ʞuıɥʇ noʎ ,ʇɐɥʍ ¡ssǝɔuıɹd ,ǝɯ ǝsnɔxǝ ,ןןǝʍ
"Well… Don't you?"
.ʎɥsɹǝʇʇnןɟ pǝʌoןǝq ʎɯ ɯoɹɟ ןןɐɔ ɐ ƃuıʇıɐʍɐ ɯ'ı .ʍou ʇou ʎןןɐıɔǝdsǝ ,ǝıuoɹqɐɾ ʇɐɥʇ ןןɐɔ oʇ ʇnoqɐ ʇou ɯ'ı ʇnq .ɐɹqǝƃןɐ uı ǝɯ puıɥǝq ʇɐs ǝɥ .sǝʎ ,ǝsɐɔ sıɥʇ uı ,uɐǝɯ ı
"What? If you two both want to talk, why don't you just call her? This ‘break’ of yours doesn't make any sense!”
.ǝʇɐɹǝdsǝp ʞooן ןן'ı ǝsןǝ ɹo ,ʇsɹıɟ sןןɐɔ ǝɥs ןıʇun ʇıɐʍ pןnoɥs ı pıɐs ɐıʇsǝןǝɔ
"Oh for the love of… Fluttershy, will you please talk some sense into your coltfriend? We really need—"
"Discord, honey, I'm so sorry! I missed you so much!"
¿noʎ ʇɐɥʇ sı ,ɹǝʍoןɟ ƃuıןɹɐp ʎɯ ¿ʎɥsɹǝʇʇnןɟ
"I'm right here, baby! oh, we never should've let our friends talk us into this silly break!
.ǝʌoן ʎɯ ,ǝɹǝɥ ǝɯoɔ .noʎ ʇnoɥʇıʍ ǝq oʇ puɐʇs ʇ’uɐɔ ı ǝsnɐɔǝq ʎןuo s’ʇı ,ǝʇɐɹǝdsǝp ɹɐǝddɐ ı ɟı ¿ʞuıɥʇ ʎǝɥʇ ʇɐɥʍ sǝɹɐɔ oɥʍ ,ɥo
¡noʎ ǝʌoן ı ¡pɹoɔsıp ,ɥo
¡noʎ ǝʌoן ı puɐ
"Good work, Twi! We managed to patch things up with Flutts and Discord!"
"Oh, great, nice job! Now if only that had been the thing we were trying to do in the first place! Come on, we have to find this guy! I’m losing my mind like this!"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, it’s not so great without me after all, is it?"
"Who’s that?!"
"And why is your voice coming slightly from the right?"
"Because I’m still on strike, but I still need to be able to understand what everyone is saying. Look, just see what happens when I don’t format it."
Oh wow, our what did lines are all you do?! jumbled up now! Fix this must be really hard to right understand us now, or so like this help me, Celestia!!
"See? Look at how important I am! Without me, your lives would be a chaotic mess of nonsense dialogue that no one could possibly make sense of!"
"I wasn’t really disputing that. In fact, I didn’t even know you existed until just now!"
"A narrator’s job is a thankless one…"
"Look, Mr. Narrator, sir? I’m sorry that some ponies were being rude to you, but you are important. You’re very important."
"You can’t tell 'cause of the italics, but she put a lot of emphasis on the word ‘very’."
"Listen, we really need you back. Is there any way I can convince you to come back to work?"
"Hm…. Nope."
"Come again?"
"I’m good, thanks. These people don’t deserve me, so I’m going to be taking my talents to an audience who can actually appreciate my artistic genius."
"So you’re really going to condemn me, and my entire world, to eternity in a reality that’s impossible to comprehend? We’ll lose our minds in a week!"
"Wait, is this one serious or a comedy?"
"Comedy."
"Oh, you’ll be fine! There’s no lasting consequences in a comedy!"
"Pinkie! Who’s side are you on!"
"What? He asked! And besides, he’s right! Nothing bad happens in these comedies, and if they do, it doesn’t matter by the time the credits roll."
"Hey, you’re pretty smart, Pinkie. No wonder you’re my favorite, you get me."
"Thanks, Mr. N! I'll be honest, I don’t really know how I know this stuff, but it sure is lucky that I do, huh?"
"Hm… Pinkie, do me a favor. I want you to imagine that you and Twilight are sitting at a table and drinking tea."
"Okay…?"
"Perfect. Now describe what you’re seeing."
"Um… Oh! Twilight sits down first, setting down the beautiful pink teapot that she got for her birthday as a gift from her bestest pal Pinkie Pie! Then I sit down across from her, and Twilight pours us both a cup of Earl Grey tea with like way too much milk and sugar. Somehow its not too hot, so we take a sip and—"
"Whoa! I was… I was there, somehow! It’s starting to fade, but I could taste the tea! Blegh… How do you drink this stuff, Pinkie? There’s more sugar in this than water."
"Haha! I knew it! Pinkie teeters on the edge of what we in the biz call The Fourth Wall. Normally, I’m here laying down boundaries to contain her, but without my narration stopping her, Pinkie can step through the wall and act as a new Narrator! Which means you get to have a reality that actually makes sense to maneuver through, and I can still stick it to those three guys who were rude to me."
"Wait, it was only three people?! You put my entire world at risk because three people said something rude?!"
"And you have a crippling fear of a delicious Mexican dish that I won’t name out of common courtesy. You don’t see me policing your trauma, do you?"
"At that moment, Twilight realized the Narrator had a point, and she quickly apologized for being so insensitive."
"I’msorryforbeingsoinsensitive! Wait… Pinkie, did you make me say that?"
"Heh. Heheheheheheheh. This is so cool! I can make anypony do or say whatever I want! I’m stronger than Princess Celestia, even! I’m the Queen of Equestria!"
"Uh-oh…"
"Look at what you’ve done now…"
"Okay, maybe giving Pinkie the keys to the metaphorical kingdom wasn’t the brightest idea. Fine, fine, I’ll go back to narrating, but only if you promise to make your subjects more appreciative of my work."
"Deal."
"Oh? Quick question, buster. Now that you’ve given me so much power, how do you plan on taking it back? What if I decide not to go peacefully?"
"I’d just remind you that you can now make an endless supply of cakes appear from nothingness, eat yourself into a food coma, and then awaken with no tummyache because there’ll be no one to narrate those consequences into existence until you wake up."
"It goes silent for a spell, as the wonderfully pretty and endlessly charming Pinkie Pie considers her options. After many, many tense and pensieve seconds of thought, the baking dynamo gives a nod, a salute, and a grin from ear to ear as a mountain of sweets appears before her very eyes! Those with weak stomachs should look away now, for the coming confectionary carnage will not be for the faint of heart."
"And while she’s scarfing that stuff down, I better warm up. It’s been a while since I narrated something new. By the time she’s passed out, I’ll take back over and you’ll hopefully never hear from me directly again."
"Thank you, Mr. Narrator. Your service won’t be forgotten."
"Don’t mention it. See ya around, Twi."
"Wait, does Pinkie narrating still count as dialogue, or was that against the contest rules? Ah, crap, I’m totally gonna get disqualified…"