The Most Delicious Coup
Celestia awoke, as she always did, right on the dot of 5'o'clock.
She'd gotten pretty good at that, over the years. Oh how she longed for the old days, when she could have slept in until 8, when she could just lay there and luxuriate in that comfortable warmth for so much longer.
And then just like that, it was 5:05; time to get up. Why did that time always go by so quickly, she lamented bitterly as she rose.
The next 15 minutes went by like clockwork. She relieved herself, brushed her teeth, and took a long, blisteringly hot shower. She dried herself in a flash, and was out of her en suite by 5:20, just in time to receive her morning tea and scone. Tea was best with scones, Celestia held this opinion very strongly.
5:25, an empty teacup and a crumb dusted plate lay forgotten as Celestia began her long walk to the balcony.
An ordinary pony could have done it in ten seconds. Celestia's carefully measured pace took three minutes.
It wasn't dawdling if it was part of the routine.
It wasn't procrastination if she was focused on where she was going.
5:28
Celestia's heart ached as she gazed up at the mare on the moon, every bit as painful as the very first day.
5:29
She embraced the moon in her gentle golden glow, easing it below the horizon for it's day's rest.
"Soon, my sister. I promise."
5:30
Golden rays bathed Celestia as she raised the sun. The warm light soothed her aching heart, and she took a moment to savor the sun's embrace. The pain didn't go away, it was just easier to handle. She could ignore it now, for the time being.
She carried on.
With a heavy sigh, she left the balcony, and started thinking princessy thoughts. The day did not wait.
5:35
Having donned her regalia, she strode out from her chambers to meet Kibitz and his young apprentice, Raven. As they walked, Kibitz laid out the day's schedule, Celestia interjected intermittently and Raven followed behind taking copious notes.
Celestia's ears twitched as she heard the sound that would be her only warning,
"Death to tyrants!"
Her head snapped to the cry just in time to see a blueberry pie slam into her side. She turned her gaze to where the pie had come from, and standing there before her was none other than her own student, Sunset Shimmer. And behind Sunset, a mountain of pies.
Eyes twinkling, Celestia gave a melodramatic wobble as she grasped at her wound. Clearly, she was in a lot of pain,
"Oh, oh, oh! Sunset Shimmer, my faithful student, how could you?"
With what was clearly a vengeful grin, Sunset stepped forward,
"For too long, Celestia, you have trodden over and terrorized the ponies of Equestria! Why just the other day you stole forty cakes from the orphanage. Forty! That's as many as four tens! And that's terrible!"
"Those cakes were delicious! What orphan could love cake as I do? Was I supposed to let them have cake? It would be wasted on them!"
"You fiend! Have you no shame? It is clear that you are unforgivable! Have at you!"
With an imperceptible grunt, Sunset hefted the pies into the air with her telekinesis. Every single one of them. Celestia's eye's widened, and then they struck. Pie after pie collided with her body, each one a different flavor, each one ravaging her once pristine coat and thoroughly killing her. By the time she collapsed, she was completely covered in dessert.
"Nooooooooo! I am slain! I have been defeated and I have breathed my last! Bleh." And with that last gasp, she was dead. With her tongue hanging out. In a completely dignified way, of course. The fact that this tongue had landed right in the middle of a pie and was now wriggling about enthusiastically was of no consequence.
Sunset laughed triumphantly,
"At last, now that Celestia is dead, I shall be princess of Equestria!"
She plucked the crown from the head of the corpse, which appeared to be shaking with laughter but of course that was just a trick of the light, and placed it on her own brow.
"Kibitz!" She commanded gracefully,
"Yes Princess?" He replied in a strained tone. Strained with fear, obviously, what other possibility was there?
"Your Princess hungers! Fetch me one thousand gold kissed roses to dine on, and none but the finest!" She ordered with impeccable finesse,
"At once, your highness." Replied Kibitz, who then proceeded to not move an inch, and was surely paralyzed with terror. Benevolent as she was, Sunset would forgive him this transgression.
Everypony pointedly ignored Raven, who was rolling on the ground giggling helplessly. Must've gone mad with grief, poor filly. Stockholm syndrome was a terrible thing.
"So, Princess," Sunset looked down at the talking corpse at her hooves, "What are you going to do with me now that I am dead?"
Sunset rubbed her chin and hummed as she pondered this quandary. And then she gasped in delight, allowing the grinniest grin to grace her muzzle, as the most marvelous idea occurred to her.
"I'm a carnivore! I'm going to eat you!" And with nary a pause, Sunset thrust her face into Celestia's pie encrusted belly and started gobbling the many flavored ex-princess, whose pining for the fjords swiftly increased in volume.
Roaring with laughter, Celestia rolled over in an attempt to escape being devoured. Being eaten was ticklish business after all. Yet her efforts were for nought, Sunset in her eagerness clambered over her to keep pace with the prime feeding grounds of the Stomach Plain, getting herself slathered with pie in the process.
Princess Celestia desperately lit her horn and gathered Sunset in a telekinetic bubble, eliciting a squeak from the filly as she was hoisted into the air. Relieved of the burden of being consumed, Celestia stood and her smile regained its regular serenity as she surveyed her murderer.
"I believe you have something that belongs to me, my little pony."
Celesta's crown gently floated over and alighted itself upon her own head once more.
Celestia's gaze moved past Sunset, and towards the three smirking guards at the end of the hall. Without question, these ponies were complicit with the grave crimes which had just been committed, else Sunset Shimmer would never have been able to store such a vast quantity of pies at this location.
"My little ponies, it appears you have been bereft of your duties and allowed me to be slain. What explanation can you put forth for this failing?"
"My deepest apologies, Princess, but she made me an offer I could not refuse." Said the first. He paused for a moment and licked his lips, "Cherry custard."
Celestia raised an eyebrow, and cast her gaze at the other two guards.
"Apple rhubarb."
"Strawberry."
"Very well. It appears there were extenuating circumstances. However, that does not mean I can simply ignore such delicious treacheries. As punishment for your betrayal, all three of you shall remain at your posts until the end of your shift!"
The guards gave a simultaneous, deadpan cry,
"Oh nooooooo."
Celestia then turned her attention to the traitorous miscreant in her magical grip.
"Sunset Shimmer, you hereby stand accused of regicide. How do you plead?"
"Guilty!"
"Do you know what the punishment for regicide is, Sunset Shimmer?"
Sunset's face scrunched up as she considered this, and she came to the realization that in all her research, she hadn't found the answer to this question.
"No. What?"
"Execution via bathtime."
The filly's pupils shrunk to pinpricks,
"Nooooooooooooooo!"
Her short sticky legs flailed vainly in the air as she struggled to escape the princess' strong magical grip, but it was no use, and she was whisked away to a watery grave.
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RIP Celestia.
Long live princess Sunset Shimmer!
Chisel these words upon Princess Celestia's headstone: "Killed by one filly's cuteness overdose."
absolutely adorable
This one is going into the 'Good Stuff' folder
Wow this was really dang adorable
So cute.
World's most adorbs assassin
*cut to Tempest and Cadance together in a bathtub without any context*
Nice reference to Wild Bill.
11903593
Marvelous, I'm glad you noticed it.
Could you tell me which bit it is, I seem to have missed it myself.
11903593
Also thanks for the story idea I just had, hehehehe
Adorable, absolutely adorable
11903612
The title itself. Jack Mcall who killed Wild Bill Hickock got called 'The Coward Mcall' after shooting Hickock. Then they hanged him and buried him with the noose still around his neck.
11903647
Ah, I was thinking of the movie Jesse James and Robert Ford etc etc
I figured that Sunset was banished not left Equestria. Killing the Queen is definitely a way to achieve exile. But the manner of death is fucking adorable!!
That was an adorable "coup". And I'm glad Celestia was being a good enough sport to play along. :-D
That's Lex Luthor levels of villainy.
Lovely one-shot, it was heartwarming, cute, and above all else ... funny.
This kinda reminds me of Sunset amd Celestias banter in this other fic Im reading:
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/513600/58/equestria-girls-the-tale-of-two-sunsets/chapter-57-a-girl-and-her-gecko
Particularly this chapter.
That was so freaking adorable. Congrats on making the top of the Featured box. Have a Spikestache.
So cute
Definitely. It's a true pain to waste a blueberry pie this way.
That was the best she could do? Pathetic. Maybe these guards didn't ate any sweets in moons, but if they live in Canterlot, Donut Joe's is right there. Wondering if they ever go after their shift.
Well, after that, I doubt they'll go anywhere.
Overall, it was a really sweet reading. Very short, but I enjoyed it. I added to my read later list thinking the title meant to be serious, and honestly, I'm glad it wasn't...or at least, sorta of.
11904503
*Shrugs* Wouldn't be my first choice either, but it's what I wrote so it must be *his* favourite flavour.
Delightful work... though I can't help but wonder if Celestia looked back at this and wondered if it had been a warning sign. Still, thank you for a wonderfully adorable short.
11904539
She discusses it with Twilight. She words it very poorly, and the twanging of hair is audible immediately.
11904549
"Certainly among the top five most adorable attempts on my life."
"... Top five."
"Some of the assassins were just so earnest about it. It was all I could do not to pat them on the head and give them a glass of apple juice."
Truly the cruelest fate indeed.
This was hilariously cute, I especially like the little touches of how young Sunset is, like her struggling to lift all the pies and gobbling Celestia up. The brief insight into Celestia's daily routine was also a superb touch Poor Celly. n_n
AWWWWWWWWW
CANONIZED!
I WANT THAT CANONIZED NOW!
Heh. Death by pie is the only way to go. Long live the new princess!
11903647
Bill actually had a rule of not sitting with his back to the door. The one time he broke it, that happened (showing why he had that rule in the first place).
11905468
It's a good rule, and one to follow.
11905689
I mean, it only matters if there are people who want you dead who nobody apprehends in time. Pretty common for outlaws in the Wild West, pretty rare for people living in developed countries.
No wonder this story is featured that long, it's hilarious ♡
Context makes this one of the saddest stories in recent years
My heart~! My poor heart! The cuteness is TOO MUCH~!!! Faved, saved, Approved, and Sacred!
Everyone died. So who is the ruler of Equestria? An undead Celestia?
And the lesson learned is that the key to a well-planned assassination is bribery.
Sweet, delicious bribes.
11905902
I'm reminded of a story where I had to point out that the presence of a Tragedy tag combined with the lack of an Alt Universe both hinted at how the central romance was going to end.
One of the most terrifying creatures on the planet if its able to kill sun butt
Fun little story. Its nice to see Celestia and Sunset having a positive encounter before the betrayal. Thanks for writing!
This was adorable and does a great job at portraying Celestia’s motherly instincts that we all love.
It's fitting, to use weapons of truth to take out a lover of the baked good of lies. Very adorable!
Very sweet indeed!
I can only imagine what those guards reactions would be years later. Still adorable even with knowledge of the future.
Mom Celestia is always absolutely adorable-- Outmatched only by daughter Sunset. This was incredibly cute and adorable!!
I was expecting cringe, but not something so wholesome.
Well done, sir!
She was thinking of cake, didn't she?
derpicdn.net/img/view/2013/12/24/505544.png
Source.
Good story!
I enjoyed reading it.
Someone animate this!!!
11908917
Hehe, I'd love to see that