Octavia's had a fine career. But all good things just come to an end. She performs her final performance, and takes her final curtain.
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- Member Since 3rd May, 2019
- offline last seen Yesterday
Jhoira
Time to write some fanfiction! Yay! If you have any thoughts comment! I find reading them fun!
Jhoira
Joined 3rd May, 2019 ·
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Nooooo not Tavi!
pancakes for all!
Dust in my eyes, Ya that's why there're running. The cat must be stamping his feet again.
holy shit
Nicely written, really enjoyed the introspective style as the curtain falls.
I suppose, given my oeuvre, that I'm obligated to comment!
First, minor fixes:
should be
In
you should have "beat" instead; right now the sentence has no verb. The sentence
is a fragment, and (to me) not the kind that's an effective stylistic device. I think you should just connect it to the previous sentence:
There are two places where you need colons. After "order" in
and after "triumph" in
These introduce lists, so a comma is not appropriate. In
I suspect you don't want that comma. Was her fifth love her final love? If so, take out the comma; the separation caused by the comma makes it look like her fifth love and her final love were different.
", and" is used when you're connecting two independent clauses (parts of a sentence that could be sentences on their own). This should be:
You have the opposite problem with
Either the comma after "little" should be a period, or you should put "and" after it. The same problem appears in
Two minor stylistic suggestions: I think "Redheart" is more common than "Red Heart," (but you can do whatever you like) and I think "Octavia's guest" might sound better as "Octavia's guide" (this feels more appropriate to me).
I have to know: Are the title and chapter title allusions to My Way? Because they sound like it to me.
This is a nice look at Octavia. I enjoyed the way you use her performance to frame her recollections. It gives her an exciting and in-character way to reminisce. A final performance is a great metaphor for her.
I also enjoyed the slow and introspective style, and I like how she looks back on so many different things: Performances, practicing, teaching, romance. In a 1,000 word story, you don't have space to go into detail about any of these, but just mentioning them fills out her character in a satisfying way. (If you had had more space, I would have liked to have seen her contemplate these in more detail; for her to remember details of specific performances, specific students, and so on, and how she felt about them. But that would at least double, and more likely triple, the length of the story.)
I found Octavia's entrance into eternity quite satisfying. A wonderful send-off for a wonderful mare. Great job!