My Little Pony: Film is Magic (Sherlock Holmes Baffled)

Twilight finds an old TV while walking home from the Everfree Forest. She shows it to her friends and they all get sucked into it and are transported to a bunch of different movies. Will they be able to survive each one?

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Dragonknife5

Dragonknife5 #1 · Jun 22nd, 2023 · 2 · ·

What's the limit of the film. Can it have a lot of violence, Gore or does it have to be a friendly movie.

Comment posted by MLPstories101 deleted Jun 22nd, 2023

MLPstories101

MLPstories101 #3 · Jun 22nd, 2023 · 1 · ·

Dragonknife5 It can be any movie, I'm just going by a Wikipedia list. So expect a few age ratings.

Majestic_Donut

Majestic_Donut #4 · Jun 28th, 2023 · · ·

Not gonna lie, the story had a lot of potential, but is severely lacking. You desperately need an editor to help you with expanding on descriptions and explaining scenery and characters (especially writing the characters accurately)

Just a few examples: (edit: yes, a few examples along with an entire guidebook on how to solve the problems 😂😅)

"It's a Television Spike! I found out about it in the human world. However now that I look at it, it looks a little old school. The TVs I saw in the human world are a bit more modern and flat-screened. This one looks bulky and old." Twilight stated. She then picked up the TV and trotted towards Ponyville.

Knowing twilight, I feel like she would’ve reacted a lot more to seeing a TV than this. She’d probably start fan girling (if that’s accurate, I guess what twilight does can be described as fan girling, or at least very similar. Rainbow was just saying she’s being an egg head) and also starting to ramble about how it could possibly work, start pushing buttons and maybe moving the antenna and then Spike be like, “oh, don’t you think our friends should get to see this too?” Twi responds, “oh yeah, right, of course… let’s go!” Aka, showing her friends and noting that it’s old will not be the first or only ideas in her head at the moment. Possibly rewrite it like this:

“Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh! Spike, do you realize what this is?!!” Twilight practically screamed with glee.
“Um, no.”
“IT’S A TELEVISION!!!” Twilight beamed dramatically.
“And that’s special why exactly? Just looks like some old box to me…” Spike said, noticeably confused with Twilight’s excitement.
“-gasp!- it is not just ‘some old box’, though it does look older than the ones I’ve seen in Sunset’s world… it is a glorious marvel of modern technology!” Twilight said, at this point hugging the TV. “ I wonder what these buttons do? It seems this one would turn it on, these long wire things may be to collect signals somehow… what does the TV look like on the inside?”
“Woah woah Twilight! Don’t you think before going and taking apart the whole thing that we should show our friends too?” Spike said just as Twilight was about to remove the back.
“Oh, heheh, right. Let’s go do that then shall we? ”

Twilight walked into The Old Oak Library and placed the TV on the floor. She decided to wait until the right time to use it, so she decided to go and see what Rainbow Dash was up to.
Rainbow Dash was talking to a pony about an incident she had with the weather factory. She said that there was no more rainbow liquid to make rainbows. She was then startled by trotting and turned around in an instant. She then realized it was her friend Twilight Sparkle.

For the top paragraph, there needs to be a better transition between the scenes (I know that I just rewrote the previous scene, but it still needed a smoother transition even before that. Possibly add to my rewrite “So Twilight dropped the TV off at her home and went to find her friends.”) The original transition was just very abrupt. One moment they’re observing the TV, then they immediately take it home without any further investigation or thoughts (again, unlike Twilight, unless she said something along the lines of taking it to her lab for further observation. She does have a lab, remember? From the episode where Twilight is trying to figure out the science of Pinkie’s Pinkie sense).

For the second paragraph, the major problem here is that absolutely everything is narrated. Maybe if this wasn’t how the entire story went, it’d be fine. But just about everything in the story is narrated rather than described in depth or “alive” so to speak. So either here or, more likely, everywhere else you need to describe more what’s happening rather than saying “this happened and that happened.”

Twilight was reading a book called "The Visiting Hours" by Grimdark Tales. She got nervous by it and even had nightmares about it one night. Just when she was about to put the book up, her friends bust through the door and asked what she found. Twilight smiled at them and got the object out of the basement. The ponies were a bit confused on what it was and they ask Twilight what it is.

Yet another example of narrating completely the events that happened rather than building out the story. This would’ve been a good opportunity for some dialogue from the other characters. Instead of saying, “her friends burst through the door and asked her what she found,” it should have dialogue like Rainbow Dash noting that she got everyone here and so now what was this awesome thing she found? The others should also ask I’m written dialogue what was exciting Twi so much that she had to show them all? One of them, maybe Pinkie, could note that it must be pretty special. Then when Twilight brings it out, goes “ta da!!!!” and Rainbow has the same reaction as Spike: “You called us all here for some old looking box?” Which would show confusion rather than just saying they were confused.

Sherlock was sitting at home smoking a pipe and reading a newspaper until he heard a noise behind him. Upon looking behind his back, he saw a vortex come out of his wall and out came 9 ponies and a baby dragon. He was shocked at the sight of the ponies and dragon.

Nine? Um, typo I guess? Or someone needs to learn how to count (unless some other ponies secretly transported with them and there are now three innocent bystanders who have no idea what has just happened and never got noticed… cool possible idea if you wanna use it for extra comedic relief.)

"My, my. What colorful little equines!" He said with a shocked look on his face. Twilight got her surroundings and saw a tall silhouette of what appeared to be a detective in her vision.

Honestly, I’ve never seen the movie, but I have read the books and this seems a bit… wrong, somehow. It doesn’t sound like something the Great Sherlock Holmes would say… It’d almost be funny if he deduced right away what they were, how they got here, neglecting only one thing…

“Oh, you talk. Elementary, of course you do.” Sherlock said, quickly regaining his composure.

"My name is Sherlock Holmes, greatest detective on Elm Street." He said.

I don’t recall Sherlock being the kind of guy to state outright that he is the greatest detective, at least not without following up with a note that he did not give himself this title (obviously the books would describe him as such because it’s the author’s opinion), he’s probably thinking it though.

"Well hello there Mr. Holmes, my name is Twilight Sparkle. These are my friends, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, and Rarity." She introduced her friends to Sherlock and they had a little chat.

Character: Written correctly
Scene: dull

Instead of saying they had a little chat, perhaps describe what the chat is about. Maybe they start talking about theories of thought and logic, maybe this conversation makes Rainbow’s head hurt, perhaps Pinkie is just bouncing around exploring the surroundings, Rarity admires Sherlock’s trench coat, Fluttershy still has no idea what is going on and tries to talk to the pigeons outside the window, and AJ considers an apple on Sherlock’s desk as “not as good as the ones they grow at home” or something random like that. There’s a lot of gray space in “having a chat” that you could work with and have fun writing about!

I won’t quote the rest of the story, but it all follows the same patterns of the characters not being described in character (primarily, Sherlock being shocked and confused about everything happening. He could at least make a deduction rather than just saying out right “oh, I don’t know and I have no ideas.” It’s more than easy enough for him to deduce that somebody is just trying to scare him or steal something important as he would be aware that he has a lot of enemies…) and the scenery/events being very blandly described as merely happening rather than exploring it in some depth.

Like I said before, the story’s premise has a lot of promise and there is a lot to work with to create an amazing story! It just seems underutilized and undermined by the lack of description and abundance of narrative. I’d suggest getting an editor to help bounce ideas around, make sure the characters are in character, and make sure the story doesn’t come across too stiff.

MLPstories101

MLPstories101 #5 · Jun 28th, 2023 · · ·

11623125
Listen this is my first alright? Sure it may not have the best story telling, but I tried ok?

Majestic_Donut

Majestic_Donut #6 · Jun 29th, 2023 · · ·

11623149
No worries, I wasn’t trying to be mean in any way. I was just giving some constructive criticism along with practical examples of what you could do to improve. Most people would just stop at “Boo, bad story!”, but I gave you the best criticism you could ever get: constructive criticism

I never expressly said the story was bad, or that your writing was bad (First stories are hard. So why not accept advice on what you can improve on for future stories?).

As I said twice before in my last comment, you have come up with a great idea for a story, but just need some more help/improvements executing it (whether you get an editor or just go back over and edit it yourself).

Have a great day! And try not to let yourself get discouraged. You can still write amazing stories! Practice is everything.

(P.S. Movie suggestion: What if the mane 6 got sent to Castaway on the raft just as Wilson was lost at sea. Forgot the guy’s name, but he just lost his best friend. How cool/chaotic would it be to have 6-7 new friends on his raft! Of course, it might start sinking then… yet more comedic relief! 😂)

MLPstories101

MLPstories101 #7 · Jun 29th, 2023 · · ·

11623684
Well thank you for that h appreciate it. I’m doing films in random. Up next is Who Framed Roger Rabbit and I haven’t even finished the first chapter. But like I said thank you for the criticism and I’ll try to do more better, I can’t make any guarantees tho.

Majestic_Donut

Majestic_Donut #8 · Jun 29th, 2023 · · ·

11623907
Cool! Never seen that movie before, but I have heard of it.

No problem! I don’t ask for guarantees, just that you never stop growing as a writer 😊

MLPstories101

MLPstories101 #9 · Jun 29th, 2023 · 1 · ·

11623925
You can watch it on either Disney+ or YouTube Movies. It’s free on both

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