Pony Foaltress 2

TacticalRainboom

TacticalRainboom #1 · Sep 26th, 2012 · · · Chapter 1 ·

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There is absolutely no way a story with a synopsis that looks like that can possibly be good.

Chaotic Note

Chaotic Note #2 · Sep 26th, 2012 · · · Chapter 1 ·

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I can't tell if you're being serious about this fan fic or you're trolling. Either way, please refer to this fan fiction and check out the chapter for Team Fortress 2.

Luna Plays

Edit: I'm not the best at grammar as well, but that's not excuse for not making the story actually enjoyable.

TheBronyCartoonist1

TheBronyCartoonist1 #3 · Sep 26th, 2012 · · · Chapter 1 ·

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1341348 i am indeed serious, although i will accept critism may you please inform me on how to improve

Chaotic Note

Chaotic Note #4 · Sep 26th, 2012 · · · Chapter 1 ·

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1341438 For one thing, format your dialogue from your paragraphs. (Seperate talking stuff from the detail/main paragraph stuff)

TheBronyCartoonist1

TheBronyCartoonist1 #5 · Sep 26th, 2012 · · · Chapter 1 ·

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1341485 thnx

Tjprower

Tjprower #6 · Sep 26th, 2012 · · · Chapter 1 ·

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Hmm.... reading later.
Edit: Well... that seemed... rushed. Everything just happened too quickly. We didn't really bother with dialog between the friends before getting back to the library, and I was sort of confused by the point of the spell and how it failed. The first time it is mentioned, it's called a "mind spell," and the second time... it's a transportation spell?

electreXcessive

electreXcessive #7 · Sep 26th, 2012 · 1 · · Chapter 1 ·

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Hello, my name is electreXcessive, and today I will be offering you a review. You may choose to accept my review or delete it and ignore it; either way is fine with me. So, let’s start off with one of the most important parts of the story, which is the title. Pony Fortress 2? That doesn’t seem very original, considering that the concept you are trying to adhere to has been done hundreds of times before. There are other TF2 crossovers with names that are more creative and thought out, I would consider trying to make this more original.

Second thing that I’ll take a look at is the description. Okay, this description is extremely bland and not captivating. As I’ve said before, you need to add some pow to your description in order to draw the reader in. Maybe instead of what you have now, you could use something like: “When Twilight learns a new spell, she is more than eager to share its effects with her friends. After Spike makes a mistake during the spell, everypony present is transported into a strange new world where nothing is as they have ever seen before. Using the power of teamwork and friendship, they must overcome their new opposition and find a way back home or die trying.”

Now I’ll get on to reviewing the actual story, anything that I alter will be in parenthesis next to the object being altered.

Pony Fortress 2
Written By SuperBronyStudios
Rainbow Dash: Scout
Pinkie Pie: Medic
Twlight (Twilight): DemoMan
Fluttershy: Heavy
Rarity: Spy
Spike: Pyro
Apple Jack (Applejack): Engineer
Derpy Hooves: Sniper
Big Macintosh: Soldier (This whole thing here, with the characters? No. You could easily expand your story by a few paragraphs by just describing how they discover their classes upon entering the TF2 universe. Also, some of the characters don’t really seem to go together, like Fluttershy as Heavy and Derpy as sniper. This could just be me nitpicking though.)
It was a normal sunny day in Ponyville. Fall was arriving and breezes where a flow (change to something like: and the wind was flowing gently) it (add a period before it and start a new sentence here) was getting cold but the ponies did'nt (didn’t) mind. Rainbow Dash was bored and had nothing to do (add a semi colon or start a new sentence) the breezes where to (too) strong for her to fly and The Wonderbolts where (were) preforming (performing, not preforming) in canterlot (Canterlot) there (where) the wind was less massive.
Rarity was making another hat for an up coming (upcoming) picnic with Pinkie Pie and Twilight. Twilight was learning a new spell from a spell book (add a comma here) meanwhile Spike was playing Team Fortress 2 on Steam. (How does he have steam? How is there technology in Equestria? You have to explain these things to us.)
"Aha! iv (I’ve) finally found out how to menovour (maneuver, should be perform though) this spell!" Twlight (Twilight) beamed
"Have you FINALLY found out to make me grow strong!" Spike said (asked) jumping in joy
"No. I have finally learnt to make a mind spell (add a period here) i (I) must call our friends!"
That afternoon Twilight raced to get Pinkie Pie (period and start a new sentence) much to her surprise Pinkie was'nt (wasn’t) hiding in the woods to wait for AppleJack (Applejack) so she could scream "Comquat." (cumquat) Rarity (as usual) was at her home finishing her hat. (added a space here)
"Oh Rarity! That hat is wonderful (,) can I (I) where (wear) it (?) HUH (?) HUH (?) can (Can) I (I)?" Pinkie Pie said hopping in her usual fashion (.)
"Why sure Darling" Replied Rarity giving Pinkie the hat.
"Anyways, Rarity I (I) need you to come with me i (I) learnt a new spell that i (I) want to share with you and the others" Twilight said. And with that the three ponies trotted away to get the others.
After a half-an-hour of searching The Mane 6 where (were) together and in Twilights library
"I have called you here for a good reason (.) I (I) have learnt a new spell" Twilight said
"Does it make me fly thru (through) wind?" Rainbow said sarcastically
"No, anyways this spell will allow anypony to of something,any thing (anything) as long as the spell is summond (summoned).
"oh (Oh) um...T-Twilight im (I’m) not sure i-if this is safe.." Fluttershy said meekly
"Don't worry sugercube (sugar cube) we'll be alright" Applejack replied.
"Now you must all sit and think as i (I) preform this spell" Twilight said nervously as every pony sat down thinking Spike hearing this thought exactly what he wanted and he thought very hard.
Before any pony could open their eyes (,) they where (were) in a large ware house. Sartled (startled), Twilight looked around and she saw rainbow dash in a hat, (added a space) strange bandage type obejects (objects) on her hooves, (space) and a red shirt followed with a bat.
"Twilight! tell (Tell) rarity to give me back my sandwich!" Rainbow whaled (wailed).
Rarity was on the ceiling in a hocky (hockey) mask and suit and was carrying a sandwich. Twilight looked at herself finding out she had a T-shirt on and an eye patch.
"Ugh dagavu (deja-vu… I think?)" She said slapping her head with her hoove (hoof)
"Hey wheres (where’s) Pinkie Pie?" Rarity said scartching (scratching) her mane in confusion.
Just then Pinkie Pie ran in a robe with a strange rifle in her hand "Fluttershys (Fluttershy’s) okay guys!"
Fluttershy walked through the waiting room with a red shirt and a bullet belt.
Twilight found a note on the ground which red (read)
"To leave this world you must defeat the mares in blue"
"Mares in blue....mares in blue" Twilight pondered for a moment. Just then an alarm went off (.)
"GET THEM!" cried a voice in the distance (.) the (The) 6 mares looked in shock. For it was them in blue. (Could be phrased better… Maybe: They saw exact clones of themselves, only, all colored different shades of blue.)
"Lets (Let’s) do this!" Rainbow Dash said triumphantly.
The 6 Mares (six mares) charged outside, (space) Twilight stood inside the large facility... dumb founded. Soon Twilight ran outside to find out (add that) all hell was breaking loose, well sure no pony was hurt but it was complete chaos. Rainbow kept hitting a complete clone of herself with a bat. Rarity was stabing (stabbing) a blue clone of Pinkie Pie in the arm. Apple Jack bombed a clone of Spike out a boxcar. (That seems like an awful lot of ponies getting hurt for nopony getting hurt. You should describe the fighting in more detail, not just list them off.)
"This wrist band is frigin" sweet, It (it) has ME on it!" Rainbow beamed (.) AJ's eyes rolled although you couldn't tell because she had goggles on (.)
"YAY!" Fluttershy said. (What? Why is she saying yay? She doesn’t like violence; I’d think that she’d be scared out of her mind.)
*BAM*
"Careful with that gun Derpy!" Rainbow Cried (cried.)
"Now how in the name of celestia (Celestia) did DERPY GET HERE!?" Pinkie said scratching her puffy mane (.)
"Well maybe its because she was delivering spikes recent Game Informer Issue after getting lost for 7 months" Fluttershy said.
"Oh here's that magazine you wanted spike!" Derpy Beamed (beamed).
"Yup" said Big Macintosh (.)
"wait (Wait) Big Mac, now how did you get here?" Apple Jack demanded.
"Then again he was helping Apple Bloom find her way home today" said Pinkie Pie.
"Okay anyways we have business to take care o-" Twilight was cut off from the shriek of Pinkie Pie (.)
"AHHHHHHH!! Gummy is being captured by those meany clones of us!" Pinkie Shrieked (shrieked.)
"Gummy must be intelagence (intelligence,)" said a voice, it was spike (Spike) with a strange mask on him
"intelagence (Intelligence)? Whats(What’s) that?" Rarity asked. (I’m pretty sure that Rarity would know what intelligence was.)
"Its (It’s) the goal for Team Fortress 2, (semi colon) You (youfight some bad guys and steal their intelagence (intelligence) and win!" Spike said.
Every pony stared at him (.)
"Team Fortress 2?"..... (Who’s talking? What are these random dots?)
"ITS A VIDEO GAME!"
"OOOOH right.."
"Well lets get Gummy and get outta here" Apple Jack said triumphantly as the ponies & dragon went to look for Gummy (AKA Intelagence (intelligence).)
"Gummy!" Rainbow whaled (wailed.)
Meanwhile a Big Macintosh in a blue uniform charged with a Gummy on top of him(.)
"OOOh guys I found him(,) Big Mac has him!" Pinkie Pie said beaming
"Pinkie Pie thats (that’s) not Big Mac its (it’s) a clone of him we need to get Gummy back" Twilight said nervously.
*BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM*
"Cry Some MORE AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!" screamed Fluttershy shooting her gun at the 'Stalion In Blue'. (She has a gun? And she’s perfectly comfortable killing? This is not the Fluttershy I know. OoC. )
Afterwards he dropped to the ground, Every ponies (everyponies’) mouths dropped
"Oh..um sorry for the screaming" Fluttershy said.
Then within a flash a clone of Fluttershy comes out of no where (nowhere) and steals Gummy...from Fluttershy (The original one) and the other mares (the ones in blue) rejoice(,) all except the Pinkie Pie in blue because she was helping the fallen Big Macintosh. (You can’t help dead.)

Notes:

This is very rushed and kind of bland honestly. You do a lot of telling and not showing. You could easily make this chapter extend by thousands of words if you describe everything in detail for the reader. What is the location like? How do the ponies find the weapons? Why are they so accepting of the circumstances? You have to answer all of these questions.

That brings up another point; OoC characters. Fluttershy would not be okay killing and Rainbow would not be wailing. You have a lot of work to do and there were plenty of grammar and spelling errors. The next chapter needs some work if you want to improve. I hope you take my advice and I apologize if you feel that I’m being rude or condescending; I know how hard it is to get critiqued. I’m just trying to be brutally honest with you so that you can improve and grow in the future.

Low-quality memes

Low-quality memes #8 · Sep 26th, 2012 · · · Chapter 1 ·

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LAST ONE ALIVE, LOCK THE DOOR!!!!!

TheBronyCartoonist1

TheBronyCartoonist1 #9 · Sep 26th, 2012 · · · Chapter 1 ·

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1341753 i will indeed keep this up and again, Thank You.

TheBronyCartoonist1

TheBronyCartoonist1 #10 · Sep 26th, 2012 · · · Chapter 1 ·

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1341855 *locks door* now what?

TheBronyCartoonist1

TheBronyCartoonist1 #11 · Sep 26th, 2012 · · · Chapter 1 ·

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1341753 Thanks for editing this

Low-quality memes

Low-quality memes #12 · Sep 26th, 2012 · · · Chapter 1 ·

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ENGINEER IS A SPY!
SOILDER IS A SPY!
MEDIC IS A SPY!
SCOUT IS A SPY!
PYRO IS A SPY!
SNIPER IS A SPY!
HEAVY IS A SPY!
DEMOMAN IS A SPY!
SPY IS A DOUBLE-AGENT!!

Chaotic Note

Chaotic Note #13 · Sep 26th, 2012 · · · Chapter 1 ·

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1341753 Daaaaamn.

I would be scared if you did that on my stories. I already have to deal with a couple of your lot.

electreXcessive

electreXcessive #14 · Sep 27th, 2012 · 1 · · Chapter 1 ·

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1343966
I have to be harsh so that the author can improve. The TWE is not just all about "choo choo! Your shit sucks lol," we want to help struggling authors improve. I hate seeing fellow authors get their work shunned after they put it out for the world to see; so I review it and try to give impartial advice and helpful tips.

The reason that we're so harsh is because we want you to take our advice (if you want of course), fix up your fic, and shove it in our faces saying: "Did I fix it enough for you Elec?" I want to he able to then look at it and shutter at the sheer brilliance that you've created; in essence, I want you to fix it and make me eat my own words.