- Member Since 15th Jan, 2020
- offline last seen Jan 11th, 2021
tam285
NEW ACCOUNT IS ThatOneBrix AND ITS THE ONE WITH THE CARL PROFILE PICTURE K THANKS BYE
tam285
Joined 15th Jan, 2020 ·
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first half of the chapther il give a 7/10 but after she steps on the machine it goes to a 3/10 she goes from having saddle bags filled with food and water to having none instantly
Pretty decent staring chapter, gotta say the time skips and pacing are pretty off though. If they are fixed in future chapters this looks to be a very good story!
You'd think Twilight would have reported the Our Town incident in a Friendship Report, and mentioned Starlight's name in it. I can understand her not thinking to tell the Princesses to send their investigators there to get proof of Starlight's existence as a pony, given the stress and surprise of the situation. Maybe one of the other Bearers will remember the incident in a day or two, and that's how the looking for Twilght portion of the story starts.
But the Princesses handing down a banishment sentence rather than just locking her in the dungeon until the investigation is complete always rubs me a little wrong. I can accept frame-ups a little easier than rush to punish stories.
That said, I'm still interested in seeing where you choose to take this.
10334072
I tagged it alternate universe for a reason; let me explain.
when Starlight ran into the cave at the end of the show's episode (this is the village episode, not the time travel one by the way), she sent a memory spell to the others. Twilight blocked it for herself and that caused her friends to get hit with it, along with the other townsponies. Now, the effects weren't instant, they happened the next day. That spell made remembering Starlight impossible, but because Twilight blocked it, she didn't get affected by it, and therefore remembers who she is. The reason she isn't in any Equestrian Database is because she stole her own records and files along with her father's. She also did the memory spell over the course of a week to her home.
10334490
And that's completely fair, I was merely speculating as to one of the possible directions the next few steps could have gone, well and idly commenting on the report thing. I'm sure another few chapters would have solidified your world enough to not worry about it any more, and I wasn't going to fuss too much over it anyway. Don't take my comment too much to heart, I have learned the perils of criticizing too harshly the actions of the characters in an unfinished story, you tend to get a lot more details later. Heck your entire explanation could be seen as massive spoilers if you focus on that at all.
My only "complaint" as it were was the genre related statement at the end, and as stated it wasn't going to stop me from reading and potentially enjoying the story.
10334513
It's fine, I'm glad that won't stop you from enjoying the story! I took a break from writing yesterday, otherwise the second chapter would've been out already. The next chapter will hopefully be out either tomorrow or the day after.
realisticly twilight is most likly to sucseed in her want to take over as she is seen as the hero of equestria and if the correct info comes to light then it could read that the princesses turned their back on twilight after being able to be outmanuverd and manipualtid by a unicorn with no record which to tbh would defenetly shake and probebly destroy any credibinty that the other princesses had left
Slow down. Pace yourself. You're moving too fast. Everything in the story is happening way to fast to be taken seriously. You got to leave some room for character development and build up, when you get to the main events of the story.
Next chapter, Starlight Glimmer hears that Celestia exiled Twilight Sparkle and confronts her; yelling at her that SHE is the Starlight Glimmer Twilight was talking about and that she casted the time travel spell. Twilight told her that it was a very bad idea and now, she has permanently exiled Twilight Sparkle when she was telling the truth! The princess regrets banishing Twilight and apologize to Starlight, who refuses to forgive her and joins Twilight on her dark path.
10336540
If that actually happens Equestria will gained two powerful enemies
10336833
Yeah. And Twilight would use a dark spell that will bring out her hidden dark side, transforming her into Midnight Sparkle (alicorn version of the one from Equestria Girls).
OK, the first chapter was very much OOC, and the second isn't much better. And then there are the plot holes like this:
Why were her friends suddenly under a spell? Did I miss this in first chapter? Is this supposed to be her rationalizing the betrayal away?
And yes, this story is way to fast. In first chapter alone Twilight goes from "if I go I go forever" to "I will be your next villain" and then this chapter she goes from "I want to die for it all to be over" to "I'm killing what is in my way with no remorse" like someone flipped a switch.
10343175
Okay, it's like this:
The reason I mentioned the mind spell is going to be explained in the later chapters, but to give you the rundown, Starlight cast a memory spell before she ran into the cave at the end of the cutie re-mark, and Twilight retaliated by using a shield spell, but the spell bounced off said shield and hit her friends. The spell itself didn't take affect until the next day, which is about a week after this all happens. Now, Starlight (In this universe, at least), is shrouded in mystery but she will appear in later chapters. ;)
As for the sudden flip of the switch, Twilight knows it's kill or be killed past the boarders of Equestria. Normally, she'd not fight but it's necessary to survive.
More lore will be available in later chapters, so don't worry.
I kinda like hoping to see more :))
i think it became too late after she didnt listen and banished twilight anyway. would twilight hate starlight for this or would she be annoyed with her but more likely to work with her?
10385593
IF I were Twilight, MOST definitely not the latter. I probably go and find Starlight, to beating the S*** out of her. Torture her Physically and Mentally, break her horn, and use her as a mess up Sex Slave for the Storm King's Soldiers for ruining my Past Life.
Also this:
Okay Twilight, WTF!!!!!!!!! I get that Celestia was Frickin Stupid, and that she will pay. But, killing innocent ponies and turning your your kind to NEAR EXTINCTION??!!! And punishing your friends and family (who are also innocent and have done NO Wrong to you) with slavery, when they were just victims of Mind Wiping???!!!
Again, WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFF TWILIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!
P.S. Why is Tempest Shadow dead??!!
>Tempest is dead
>See her character tag
Well, is she alive then?
10385930
I just as confused too.
Announcement: Tempest may or may not be alive. Some characters think she's alive, some not. She may or may not appear in future chapters. ;)
10386606
Well, that sounds Helpful! (Sarcastic)
well, I was waiting for Celestia to regret things and try to apologize and beg Twilight to come back, even from her friends
Hm... the story is going a bit fast but aside from that it's pretty good and I'm looking forward to more.
10343270
Starlight didn't cast a spell like that in The Cutie re-mark; it was The Cutie Map she did that.
10441495
it's an alternate universe, my friend ;)
hatred
This story has some amount of comedic value. I like
10336540
.... I wouldn't complain.
This wouldn't be the first story I read where Twilight turns into a villain and rules Equestria. (her boyfriend and future husband is Sombra)
I won't spoil anything in case you wanna read it, it takes place after Twilight's friends and family left and abandoned her at the Wedding of Cadance and Shining Armor.
I kinda like the idea of Twilight becoming an evil Tyrant after all her friends and family abandons her and basically tosses her out like trash.
I don't like the stories where Twilight becomes and evil Tyrant for being mind manipulated or for no reason at all. I only like the stories where she becomes a villain for an absolutely good reason, or atleast as good of a reason you can get.
I don't like Twilight being the one betraying her friends and family.
Also I have questions about the story itself.
The "Cutie Re-Mark" episode came out November 28, 2015 while the MLP movie came out October 6, 2017. Twilight shouldn't even know who the Storm King is.
Unless this is an alternate universe where Twilight defeats the Storm King before the "Cutie Re-Mark" episode?
Hah, good luck with that.
After reading this chapter, Luna and Celestia don't regret banishing Twilight, they only regret banishing an innocent pony, that's all.
They don't care about the fact all Twilight has done for Equestria or the world, risking her life countless times.
Killing her friends and family? Highly unlikely.
Watching Celestia die? Likely, but I doubt she would be the cause of her death, she simply wouldn't care or even help while Celestia is dying in front of her.
Based on Twilight's emotions, reactions, mind set, and the way she reacts, I'm pretty sure Twilight would only help Storm King take over Equestria, keep her friends alive (especially spike), probably wont be involved in anyone's death unless absolutely necessary in self defence or is ordered to, and that's pretty much it.
Based off how easily forgiving Twilight was at the Canterlot wedding, she's not going to commit mass genocide and torture anyone just for no reason.
Ok this is what I was talking about with the whole "Twilight betraying her friends and family" bit.
At this point, this is an Alternate universe, Twilight couldn't care less about fame or power. Seeing Twilight's friends angry and disappointed? I can handle that. But seeing them Sad and feel Betrayed? I can't handle that.
I hope to see the story continued in the future, also can you please make Twilight's friends and family more unlikable? I hate that Twilight's friends are acting nice and now it makes it seem Twilight is the one betraying them.