After finding out Pinkie's secret, she agrees to help give everypony in Ponyville a present from Santa, so they could all smile.
Edited by ShadowblazeCR
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- Member Since 2nd Jul, 2012
- offline last seen Nov 28th, 2015
Fort Impression
Pinkie Pie is my waifu, and she will ever four ever be my waifu... not yours.
Fort Impression
Joined 2nd Jul, 2012 ·
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5433302
Thank you for your comment! If I do understand what you are getting at, you are asking that I should add more to the romantic sense. Particularly, you want it at the end, for I simply ended it with just a kiss and didn't follow up with anything extra. If that is what you are getting at, and I was hopefully half right with what you meant. Since I am not good at conveying particular genres, it's pretty hard for me, but practice makes perfect. If I want to tackle the subject that are hard for me, I just got to dive into them and not think about how deep the water is.
Twipie is my favorite ship. Maybe Pinkie being my favorite character influenced the ship being my favorite; I don't know. I like the ship because, unlike my other ships, they are opposites. Why are they opposites as opposed to my other ships? For that, my answer is usually one thing: character. Character has always been my star point when reading, watching, or listening to anything. The ability to relate to the characters and separate them from each other, so they are seen as individually unique. Going along with this, with my basic knowledge of psychology, Twilight is very studious, kind, and short tempered; she can also be forgiving and intraverted. Pinkie is hyperactive, easy going, and carefree; she, herself, can be forgiving but introverted. Their personalities do not match, except for a select few, and that is what I like about it. It has a nice way of balancing each other out and creating a nice relationship stand point: many difference, but these differences is what carry them through many adventures. As Twilight loves to learn new things, Pinkie Pie does as well, for new things mean new people and more fun. If said two were in a relationship, they would balance each other out, but there would be times where they would fight over their differences in opinions. Love, fun, new things, and fighting are the many wonders to a relationship to look forward, and I like all aspects of romance.
Thank you very much for your comment, as it helps me look at my story in another way than my own. I hope you like the future stories I have to offer.
From hell, to you, and back again,
Soto Konoha, Fort Impression On Everypony
>cease to exist.
The writing feels a little sloppy and telly at times, but it's such a sweet story and I guess that more than makes up for it. I kind of agree with that point about the hasty relationship (5433302 )
Also, don't you mean Hearth's Warming Eve instead of Christmas?
5454184
Thank you.
Yup, as expected.
Nope.
Greetings, fellow writer! I'm LAE, here on loan from WRITE, to help you by reviewing your story. In your initial contact, you requested that I abstain from mechanical concerns. Well, that really sets my teeth on edge, so I'm still going to mention them—but rest assured, I will be talking about the other aspects of the story as well. With that, let's dig in!
Right off the bat:
I gotta admit, just from looking at the story description page, I've got my big ol' "0/10 EPIC FAIL" stamp inked and raised. Your story title itself is misspelled ("cupcake" only has one "P" in it), your subheading title is... nonsense? Also, it's got misspellings in it, too. And your description forgets to even say who the story is about, simply offering a mysterious "she" instead of a name. First impressions are VERY important, and this one really tells the reader that you're in too big of a hurry or you just didn't care very much—and neither of those messages are very complimentary towards you as a writer.
The Dreaded Mechanics Section:
Let's knock out a few points, shall we?
I give you major props for knowing that a dash is supposed to be used here, but you brought a hyphen to an em-dash fight. Hyphens are only used to (funnily enough) hyphenate words together. The mark you're looking for is the longer em-dash (hold Alt and type 0151 to get "—"), which does not get spaces around it, ever.
The fact that you seem to not only know that dashes and colons exist, but have also actually used them (and properly, no less!) fills me with the kind of warm fuzzies that only a fellow bibliophile can appreciate.
There is a problem with tenses, however. You have a habit of using incorrect tenses when talking about the more reflexive and passive verbs and adjectives.
You're writing third-person past, so keep it consistent. "she couldn't" and "who was making" would be appropriate here.
Some may fight me here (even if they're wrong(U WOT M8)), but this really should be written as "winced in pain, despite not having felt it herself."
Missing a few odd commas here and there is an issue, too, but this is the only truly consistent problem I saw in the mechanics of your writing. Oh, and "each other" is two words—always.
Characters and such:
Here's the meat of what you asked for in your review request, but there's a little bit of a snag: There's really very, very little to go on. Do Pinkie or Twilight ever act out of character? No, not really. Is this sort of story plausible for their characters, given the scenario? I dunno, maybe. The characters involved seem true to their canon counterparts—the problems come in once you start trying to work beyond that. I'll elaborate more in the next section...
Storytelling:
SOTO
WAT R U DOIN
SOTO
STAHP
Please, go read about Said Bookisms. These are awful writing, and only serve to tell the reader what they already know.
Wtf, dude. This sentence alone—I can't even. Why is Christmas in a pony story? There's no context for it, and it's nonsensical. There's no comma for the mental dialogue attribution, and you've committed a major writing faux pas by not only using an obvious Said Bookism but using an incorrect one as well. "Imagined" is a totally wrong word to use in this situation.
To borrow a quote from Jackie Chan in the Karate Kid remake: Your focus needs more focus. You've made it clear that you struggle with the romantic/relational aspects of writing, but it almost looks like you tried to avoid showing it by skipping all of those aspects altogether. You really need to stop and spend more time on the aspects of your story that you're trying to emphasize, and let's face it, this story is supposed to be all about the romance.
badbooksgoodtimes.files.wordpress.com/2014/12/narrative-pacing.jpg?w=594&h=332
I don't know if you've seen this image before, or one like it, but commit it to heart now. This chart shows the relative intensity or engagement of a plot over the course of a story, and every good story, movie, video game, or whatever will follow this curve to some degree (at least 95% of the time). Notice the way the plot should advance in stages. Sometimes these are chapters, sometimes much smaller pieces, sometimes entire books—but always in this form. You have three distinct sections to your story:
- Twilight and Pinkie have an adventure
- The Mane6 have a party
- Pinkie's Confession
So here's how your curve looks now:
- Twilight hears a noise. Tension subtly builds until Twilight discovers it's Pinkie (peak).
- The audience is confused by Pinkie's behavior, which leads them along until Pinkie asks Twilight along to help, and she agrees (peak).
- The two head out and bounce around the world, doing stuff until the job is done (not really a peak).
- A party starts (which... is a new curve, I guess?), and Pinkie is missing. Twilight goes to find her and opens the box to reveal Pinkie (definite peak).
- Twilight's confusion is all answered as Pinkie reveals her feelings and Twilight reciprocates (final climax).
- The rest is denouement, to let the pacing slow back down to a nice, easy stop.
The big, huge, glaring problem is the enormous gap in the middle of the story. There's a huge hole that should be connecting the first part (the Santa-ing) to the second part (the romance), and there's just not anything there. You can't just teleport characters to feelings, those feelings have to come from somewhere. Even the kid who experiences the weird little butterflies of physical attraction to the opposite sex for the first time has to try to figure out what they're feeling and why. Romance does not just appear from nowhere, and if you write it that way (as you did), it's highly unbelievable. Does Pinkie feel this way before the story takes place? How are we as readers supposed to know, or even interpret that? Does the sled ride dredge up feelings in Twilight? We need to see that! And I use the word "see" very intentionally there, because you do have a bad habit of telling in your writing when you should be showing, as has been mentioned by other readers before.
This is blatant telling, and it's all over the place in this story. We should be able to interpret this through actions or dialogue. Maybe Twilight says to Pinkie how much she's enjoying staying up late for a change, but it's gotta be something other that the narrator informing us.
Final Verdict:
djotter.blossers.net/StorageBank/Review%20Badges/6.jpg
The Scores, Explained
Closing Remarks:
Purple Prose and Said Bookisms: fix it. Your dialogue should be followed by "asked" or "said" 90% of the time, if you even use a dialogue tag at all. Anytime you use something else, it needs to be paired with some sort of affirmative, complementary action by the speaker.
Pacing: MOAR. Slow down, write more of the in-betweens. Romance thrives or dies on how well we can relate to the characters, and there's just nothing of the characters here. Everything is told to us by the narrator, or skipped over entirely.
Theming: If romance is your theme, then elements of that should be permeating every part of the story. We should see furtive glances at the pony's crush. We should hear pounding heartbeats, and stuttered, half-thought-out distracted sentences. We should feel a bond between the two ponies being brought together. In real life, a love confession with so little preamble would be laughed at or met with a restraining order, depending on how well the two knew each other.
So, to sum up, what you have here is the bones of a very good romance story, but it just needs more—well, more love, both from the characters and from you as the writer.
- LastAmongEquals, WRITE's Prodigal Son
djotter.blossers.net/StorageBank/WRITE01.png
I actually liked the way that this story was written and thought that you did a good job overall. I thought that you did a spot on job with the characterisation to both Pinkie and Twilight. I ship Twilight with Pinkie Pie because they do say that opposites attract. It doesn't matter whether the romance was deep or just a kiss, it was actually refreshing to read a romance that was just light hearted fluffy kisses without it just jumping straight into the deep end of "I like you" then X rated clop.
I don't know what else to say at the moment except that I hope to read more from you in the future.
Take care Fort (Soto) my friend!
-Frost