HiE, 2nd Person, Pseudo-History.
Proofread by TehSporkBandit.
In the harmonious land of Equestria peace and plenty reign supreme; yet something lurks beneath the illusive coils of mirth and good-will. A string of murders are hidden from the public eye, ponies disappear leaving a mysterious message in their wake.
Someone from beyond Equestria is summoned to shed light on the matter, but fickle chance ensnares another. Now, you must learn of the murders, uncover the perpetrator, and extinguish the threat to Equestria. With the help of six friends, you might even manage to survive.
Author Note & Caveat:
You'll probably be seeing a fair bit of these. For now it will suffice to say that this is a four act story; Act 1 is more slice of life than the others mostly as a set up so it will take some time to establish.
I really should basically put the Assassins Creed style caveat here: this story involves history and that comes with some religious aspects and cultural facets attached. None of the story is meant to be defamatory, derogatory, or exemplary; this isn't a platform, it's all for entertainment.
Dude, you derserve sooooooo many more views/likes/favs.
Your writing style is pleasantly intricate and fluent.
4132142 Ah thank you most kindly KJay, I'm flattered
Oh I don't begrudge people not viewing, liking, faving much. It's all personal preference and I can be a bit of a wind-bag at times
I do get more than a touch bit nervous with no comments though... so KJay I really do thank you for that too! I'm not too unapproachable, heck, I don't mind people viewing some of the chapters early. Feedback and opinions mean the world to me though.
So, glad you're enjoying it and I hope you like the rest of the show KJay. Always interested in what you think and what you have to say. Take care mate
Alright, just to make things a touch more visible for anypony not looking at the blog posts, Act 2 Chapter 3 is here, but invisible...
... but if you want, I'll teach you how to see ghosts
What exactly would you like feedback on?
4137181 Lets see, specifics, well I'd always like to hear what people think about pacing as it tends to be my achilles heel (and one of the reasons I actually started writing this). Is the use of non-English distracting? Lets see, characterization and premise are always good to hear about, and anything that sticks out good or bad. Thanks again mate
Alright, no problem. So in my perspective, the pacing is perfectly fine: The introduction of "myself" as well as the characters of Equestria are brought out steadily taking into consideration Rightly's preperation to meet everyone. I don't know quite yet what the other half of the story is driving towards, but that's probably just my simple confusion on those parts. Are they happening in the same universe outside of Equestria? Is it ancient or medieval civilization? Was one of these characters the "creature" from the first chapter? I'm most likely not supposed to know yet, but that's the only place where I'm lost. As for non-English text, while I'm by no means able to read it, I don't find it distracting but I am curious as to the passage's significance. Again, I figured these sorts of things would be explained later on for those who are multilingually challenged.
I like the premise quite a lot, though I'm curious to see how "I" will be able to help against this unknown threat. I also see no major issues with the characters so far, the mane six each come across as genuine characters, so I think you're good there.
Honestly, there are so many things done well here, that it's pretty hard to find anything bad. The only semi strange thing I could think of was Applejack's angry outburst to the offer to protect her and her family. At the time, I figured her reaction was overzealous, but the scene was resolved quickly so I don't really count it as a major flaw.
You're handling the story very well so far, so I don't think you have to worry about fixing much unless you deem it necessary. Also, I'd be happy to give more feedback on things I find out of place, now that you know my thoughts overall. But, don't sweat it too much because your style of writing is superb and I think you've got a nice, rhythmic hold on the story as it is.
Keep up the great work, friend!
P.S. Is there a possible romance tag in the future? I only ask because of Rarity and Fluttershy's recent interactions with Rightly. Could be just me though...
4138912 Many many thanks mate, Celestia knows I appreciate it.
Alright lets see what I can answer without giving too much away
Each Act is supposed to behave a little differently in theme and content, but I'm really trying to make that not affect the pacing much. I'm happy to hear it's actually working as that's been a tough one. Likewise, happy to hear that the character development and personalities work.
As for the other civilization, it's an early medieval one of our world and the events are based on a trio of 10th century legends that I adapted. I'm glad that the other linguistics are interesting and rest assured most is actually English... just not our English
But I was worried that it would seem to jarring or disconnecting rather than adding that authentic charm I was hoping for. In the end I think I can see how that would impart more of a fantasy feel too it. And yep, one of them (but which?) is the creature from the prologue.
Aaah yeah that Applejack scene. I think I like 'Applebuck Season' too much as an episode, so AJ just seems to retrench herself a bit. It's probably not the right choice in retrospect, and I think you're probably right and it comes out a bit strong. I may have to look into it again too (thanks to TehSporkBandit's immeasurable help, we're just polishing some of the earlier chapters so that one's going to be up for some editing). My only real key in that scene is mostly to get across that she's no 'damsel in distress', while also poking a bit at her discomfort of dealing with this slow creeping atmosphere from the ambiguous news. If you've got any suggestions, always happy to hear it too
Glad to hear it's entertaining though, I really am. And I'd love to hear feedback, anything at all really. I'm a flexible writer in that sense. So as far as the potential for a romance tag, sure it is a possibility. I was actually going to pose that question in, I think the Act 3 break. Always up to hear what people would like for that. It's not going to be the core of the story of course, but I have no problem with including it.
Always happy to hear from you mate, and thanks again. If you ever need another pair of eyes as a review or the like on either of your stories I'd be happy to as well. Always up for a good story and it's certainly the least I can do.
Take care eh?
You know I have to say that both of the Princesses come off as kind of jerks, fully jerkish in Luna's case. I can kind of understand with regards to getting the wrong person but if I understand correctly, they were basically going to kidnap Twila and got the wrong person. He was basically in the wrong place at the wrong time because he wanted to actually be useful and give the items Twila dropped, and apparently they needed. So they kidnap someone and then treat him like he's a piece of manure. Ya, that should not fly, even if he cannot do anything.
Weird thought: does telling everyone how he ended up in Equestria by being kidnapped by the Princesses count as attempting to destroy institutions? He's not corrupting as technically he would be REMOVING corruption rather than causing it. However, it could be seen as steps taken to destroy the institution. I personally would argue reformation for the removal of corruption. Then again, I'm a philosopher who over analyzes stuff like this.
Ok, I'm stopping for a second to get everything straight in my head and give an opinion. So the Princesses kidnap the wrong person. Instead of being nice and apologetic, they insult, demean, and demand. They then inform him he is forced to be there for a year and half. Now let's consider that. They have ruined his planned for future. He is a senior who is probably set to graduate. If he has been accepted to any colleges, he loses those. If he had any scholarships, he loses those. If he wanted to not have to get a GED or repeat the last year/semester of high school, they ruined that. They also have set him up to have to explain why he was missing for a year and a half, which isn't easy. There is also the potential for him to be in trouble for "running away" or something else. So what do they do after ruining a decent portion of his life and his potential future if it was setup? They make him live a lie and throw him to Twilight who is too stupid, in this story, to actually think of the future and setup accommodations in Ponyville beforehand. They also don't even have the decency to get him a real job or stipend based off the prior BS they pulled on him. No, they won't offer him money, they offer potential indentured servitude which is timed slavery.
Right now, I dislike these ponies so much that I hope the vikings come back, invade, and are successful. TBH, I'd normally stop reading this in anger and a huge doubt that any of these ponies would get a proper comeuppance but the back story through the dreams is making me want to at least figure out some of that mystery, or at least enough where I can put this down. Please assuage my anger somehow.
4191094 Thanks a ton for your thoughts Amiamera, I appreciate it and any opinion too. Especially when they're that thought out and well-reasoned. So lets see how much I can say without spoiling too much.
Princess wise it's mostly a matter of protection, jerkish for Luna and perhaps overly so but she's also privy to a little more information and this isn't the beginning of the situation from her point of view. It's mid-way, and this is an enormous setback for her when she's been entrusted with finding the solution and she has to keep the Equestrian population from panicking at the current situation. Celestia is essentially back-seat to the one who was coming up with it. As for the protagonist, he's in the wrong place at the wrong time following in the wrong footsteps. If the protagonist isn't the first contact he'd probably be at a severe disadvantage there and stuck with some of the assumptions of the first. The promise is more or less insurance for themselves, set by a mistrustful princess. Luna's still thinking up how to salvage the situation by this point so the safety of Equestria and its citizens are paramount.
Yep, Luna got the wrong person and really has exhausted most of her options and herself. He's more or less stuck there for a year and a half, there's not much she can do about it either. So from that point of view, quite true, absolutely in fact. Anything to do with higher education is pretty much scrapped, running away is a big potential for fallout too, but it's not something that might be readily apparent to them. As for the lie, also true, though that one is more for his protection and the sake of deniability.
Twilight wasn't expecting the protagonist, or really much as she was 'scrambled' for the situation that was supposed to be set up for Twila. She was supposed to basically get in, set up in the library, work, stay in leisure at the royal residence, then everything would get worked out and they'd be able to set things right and give out rewards when they could afford to be open about what happened (kinda like Celestia didn't say anything about the whole Nightmare Moon thing until after). It was Twilight that shifted the location from Canterlot to Ponyville so if it hadn't been for her, the story would have amounted to the protagonist sitting upstairs in the royal residences, sipping champagne and being pampered by the staff while everything else happened around him
Still, the stipend is still a really good idea and wouldn't be much to transfer over, Twila was going to be getting full amenities and requisitioning power from the royal residences. I may very well have to fit that in, nothing logically wrong with it in any case 
As for Twilight, most of the indentured aspect is just about psychological acclimatization and socialization, the 'you're doing what everyone/pony else is doing so they'll get used to you' factor. If the protagonist is trusted by the most honest pony, then everypony else should be fine with him too (I'd written that before Leap of Faith from two weeks ago, but the effect was essentially the same). The purpose was to essentially give him credibility despite being so different. So he gets there, stays there, and it would be tough to criticize him in that kind of company.
Nothing wrong with over-analyzing stuff, it's certainly one of my pass times. Hopefully that helps a little bit or at least doesn't spoil your day any. Thanks again for the time and effort, take care eh
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Pardon, but... am I always going to get my shit kicked in like this?!
Nah, just kidding. Great read, man!
4206779 ~laughs~ nope, not always, sucker punch puppies like that one can't be too common and third time's a charm right?
Anyhow, glad to hear you liked it mate. Always nice to hear from ya'
Loving this!
By the way, I've been meaning to ask, I haven't gotten a chance to look at the comics that these gremlins are based off of.
Are they canon to the show? And are they available to read online?
4388127 Really glad you're still likin' it mate
I'm never sure what to think of the comics; they're pretty close and keep the timelines and ideas exactly the same but I'm not sure how much they'd count as a precedent compared to the show. I consider them canonical and I haven't seen anything that's contrary to that. As for where to get them online, there's a few websites out there that I remember having a few issues; I think they're downloadable legally on kindle and the other E-readers so I should feel all responsible saying 'support the comics, cause they're great'.
Buuuuut you can read all of them online via Youtube. Just search mlp comic # (well insert whichever one you want here) and you'll get a few results, most should be 5-8 minutes long if I remember right. It's like a slideshow. There's a number of people uploading them, as well as all the little derivatives and the like.
Take care eh?
Let me tell you, I appreciate and respect your tenacity with this story despite the lack of attention. (Which you absolutely deserve more of.) Hangin' in for the next one, friend!
4434558 Thanks a ton mate, that does mean a lot to me
Oh it can be occassionally a little unsettling but it's a big long story so I can see why people wouldn't want to pick it up.
Whew. Did a bit o' binge reading there but all caught up now!
"Swamps of Sadness"??!!
My Little Artax: Friendship is Sadness
4812669 I really really couldn't help that one, I couldn't think of a single other real swamp and it just sorta fit
Aye, 'tis a place of deep sorrow and woe.. and stuff!
Glad to see you around here too mate! Always nice to hear from ya'. Take care eh?
Now I've got the image of Dash wearing Toon Link's tunic and sailing the Great Sea.
Swell read as usual, friend!
4868687 Thanks a ton mate! I really do appreciate it. Sorry it took me a while, I've been on 'vacation'. Doesn't look like anything changed though.
Anyhow, yeah.. funny enough when I was writing it I didn't even notice I put that in there (I had originally written 'wind walker') and Sporky said 'I swear that's Link'. And really, since then the image of Dash in Link's tunic sailing on the Great Sea hasn't left my mind... I wonder if I should get a commission of that done some time.
Anyway, thanks a ton for stopping in and look forward to hearing what you think for Act four, mate. Take care, eh?
Looking forward to the next chapter ill be here waiting
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4960488 Thanks a ton, mate. Glad you liked it and always happy to hear what you think Zebracan!
Not sure I get the picture, but C'est la vie, what can one expect from a rural Crystal Empirite sort like me
I have to say the story is very good when you get past chapters 2 and 3.
5132859 Thanks a ton for saying so mate, it does mean a lot and I appreciate it tremendously.
Yeah, I'm still not super happy with chapters 2 and 3 either, just felt like they were prerequisites to set it up and introduce a Chekov's gun or two instead of appearing out of nowhere. Celestia knows I'd have liked to make it more, yeah, but not sure exactly in what way. But really, at best it's skimming material, which I'm aware sorta sucks given it's position in the story. One day I might try and fix it up... one day.
Anyhow, always happy to hear what you think mate! And thanks again, I don't get much when it comes to comments or insight so I never know where I'm at.