Los Pegasus General Hospital
From the desk of Doctor Remedial Oath,
The patient, referred henceforth as Jane Mare was brought in by Miss Cloudchaser and Miss Flitter. Jane Mare upon arrival was both unconscious and demonstrating clear signs of laboured breathing. On examination fluid was discovered within the lungs, symptoms that were consistent with the sisters account of the filly having fallen into a lake and encountered difficulties. Treatment for pulmonary edema was a success leading to breathing returning to normal.
Jane Mare shows signs of extensive physical trauma having been committed to her body with fresh tissue found over most of her body yet most prominently around the face, hind legs and hips. From what Miss Flitter mentioned about Jane Mare’s behaviour a magical scan was done to check for any anomalies within her cranium which came back clear.
In my professional opinion Jane Mare shows signs of immense physical and possible psychological abuse happening in her past. From what Miss Cloudchaser has mentioned about the patient’s difficulty speaking along with the absence of a cutie mark my conclusion is abuse at the hooves of other ponies or diamond dogs. Physical therapy may be required for recovery and a psychiatrist should be assigned to Jane Mare to aid with any mental duress she may/will be suffering.
Currently she is in a magically induced coma to allow her body time to fully recover.
Diagnosis: Jane Mare was suffering from the effects of secondary drowning and if not for the fast response of Miss Cloudchaser and Miss Flitter the outcome would have been death due to asphyxiation. Other than minor contusions she appears to be making a full recovery. Despite her age being roughly within her teen years she shows concerning signs of previous physical trauma and fractures of varying severity.
Further actions: Next of kin to be informed/contacted.
~~~~~~
Viktoria found herself waking in an unfamiliar room, in an unfamiliar bed, in an equally unfamiliar body. Wincing, she closed her eyes, both to avoid the light assaulting them mercilessly and also to avoid staring down the muzzle she saw still protruded from her face. With a low groan escaping from her throat she knew better than to try and speak, left alone instead with her thoughts.
After several moments had passed she worked up the courage to open her eyes again, quickly followed with blinking several times while her eyes adjusted to the light. Reaching with one arm… no, foreleg she moved the furry appendage to block the light from her eyes. Curiosity soon got the better of her and she instead moved the limb about to observe it more fully.
Viktoria had never really been too much into horses but she knew enough to understand that the forelimb of a horse shouldn’t move as she was able to. Taking the time while she was comfortable on her back in the bed, she moved the limb around slowly to test how it could move. The hoof at the end was hard and surprisingly the same colour as the fur that covered her body, blending in perfectly. Having played around with her foreleg enough she lowered it over the cream sheets, looking instead around the room she had woken in.
As far as rooms went it was unremarkable, but given her eyesight she could only make out a few details so as to judge it. The bed she was in was situated so the door was on the wall to her left and what could be a large window dominated the wall opposite to her. There were indecipherable blobs of colour here and there and rolling her head she saw a stand beside the bed with a few items upon it. A vase with a collection of flowers was the first thing to be noticed; although she couldn’t see the tag clearly enough to make out what was written.
With no small amount of squinting she was barely able to make out a small device beside the flowers. The girl struggled trying to identify its purpose; the large button upon a flat surface implied a remote of some sort. Giving up trying to solve the mysteries of the big appealing looking button Viktoria instead rolled her head to gaze upwards again.
“Whaaaaa aaapuunnn’d?”
Despite everything so far Viktoria could only frown at her inability to voice her thoughts, although she had to be honest it was better than the previous attempts. The key it seemed was slowly moving the thick and unwieldy tongue over the sounds. Exhaling once more she moved her arms, no, forelegs slowly along the blankets before contemplating her fate. She was alone, confused and had no idea what was going on. Tears were already starting to moisten her eyes as she counted off what was wrong so far.
But… but, no matter what she was going to move forward and figure out what had occurred to her and why.
She had been changed into a winged horse-thing, which she might add she was having immense difficulty in moving like her old body. She had lost her contacts and thus was unable to see anything unless it was almost within reaching distance. Finally, she was by herself and had no idea where she was. Surprisingly she found herself missing Cloudchaser and Flitter; she had just met the two of them but at least they had been nice to her.
The transformed girl exhaled for the third time before rubbing her eyes with a foreleg, wincing at the feeling of the soft fur meeting her face. It wasn’t bad, just a completely alien sensation to experience. She had a choice to make, she could continue to lie in this bed and just cry which… was a deviously tempting option to be sure. Or, or she could go and try to find answers herself. The second option was by far the more daunting of the two but Viktoria had always been called a headstrong girl.
Besides, she had her panic attack at the lake and she was fourteen, fourteen year old girls didn’t just curl up and cry. Of course she quickly amended that last statement in her head as she knew several that would do that, but she was not one of them.
Sniffling to clear her equine nose and rubbing her eyes again she wriggled to try and get to the edge of the bed. Her wings felt weird but given she had only just acquired such appendages she was unsure if this was normal for her anatomy or not. Immensely grateful that her forelegs worked more like arms than she would have imagined, she used them to flip the blanket up. It took several tries but eventually she met with success to be able to look once more over her body.
Immediately she felt the tears build again upon seeing the equine form that was now her body resting on its side. Frowning she shook her head and focused on the task required, although she now saw why her wings felt odd; each was bandaged against her body, a situation she was thankful for as it was one less body part to worry about.
Taking a deep breath she squirmed and wriggled and eventually made her way to the edge of the bed. Looking over the edge she now realised a new problem faced her, how does one with four legs get out of a bed? Blowing some of the blonde hair… or mane out of her face she narrowed her eyes in thought. Eventually no clear plan had been reached so she decided to just try her best. Slipping closer she rolled onto her belly and with some effort got her left hind leg over the edge.
Slowly… slowly…
She was doing remarkably well all things considered, that is until too much of her mass slipped over the edge and the inevitable happened. Slowly she felt herself slipping off the bed uncontrolled and panic set in. Limbs flailed as she tried to find purchase, her right leg still on the bed kicking which only hastened the unavoidable outcome. Whether it was by newly acquired reflexes or pure desperation, Viktoria bit onto the blanket only succeeding in dragging it over the edge with her. All this led to a loud crash of a teenage pegasus meeting the tiled floor being accompanied with a garbled scream.
~~~~~
“Oh hello Flitter.” The receptionist smiled upon seeing the pegasus enter. Flitter and her sister had been a constant presence in the hospital ever since the ’Jane Mare’ filly had been brought in a couple of days ago.
“Oh, hello!” A pause was given as Flitter looked over her shoulder to adjust the saddlebags she wore, having flown straight to the hospital after doing her shift with the weather team. “Has there been any change?”
The receptionist, a unicorn mare who had been in the position for ten years felt herself smiling at the concern evident within Flitter’s question, it always warmed her heart to see a patient being cared about.
“I’m afraid last I heard she was still sleeping dear.” A pause was given as she flicked through some paperwork. Normally she would not be privy to such information but the young battered-looking filly had caused quite a stir when she was brought in. It went without saying that the entire hospital staff felt a little bit connected to the mysterious pegasus, especially since there had been no luck in tracking down any family members. “You can go on up if you wish. Will your sister be visiting as well?”
Flitter felt a little saddened by the news. She wasn’t sure why but there was something off about the filly, something that made her concerned. The doctor had briefly talked to her about it, only due to the fact she and Cloudchaser were the ones who brought her in. The filly had been abused, horribly which might go to explaining why she looked so… vulnerable and possibly why she had tried to-
Hey, we don’t know if that was true or not. Flitter mentally scolded herself as she found she was jumping to conclusions.
“Cloudchaser is finishing up with some weather for tomorrow, with Rainbow Dash visiting Canterlot for some reason we’re both having to pick up the slack a little… but she should come around later.” Flitter explained while realising just how much Rainbow Dash actually did. Some unfortunately saw the rainbow-maned pegasus as lazy, or at worst vain and glory seeking but after the Wonderbolt Academy she and her sister had seen the true side to her. After almost dropping out due to her partner’s behaviour endangering the others, Rainbow Dash had earned the respect of most of the candidates.
Still, it was curious why Rainbow had been called to the castle, perhaps Bearer of Harmony business?
“Ah, well she will be a busy mare then.” The receptionist followed up with a smile and a nod. “I’ll make sure to send her up when she comes in.”
Grateful for the gesture Flitter trotted down the hallway before making her way up the flights of stairs. Her mind was racing with unanswered questions, questions only the filly could answer. She and Cloudchaser had spotted her while flying back from setting up some rain over a few farms and at first paid it no heed. It wasn’t until Flitter had spotted the young pegasus either jump or fall into the lake that she had alerted her sister.
“I hope she’s okay, what happened to her?” Flitter quietly posed the question to herself and was rather surprised to have a reply given.
“That’s what we would all like to know.”
Flitter squeaked before seeing Doctor Remedial Oath waiting at the top of the stairs. The older green unicorn held a clipboard within his emerald aura while smiling seeing the mare’s reaction before apologizing. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.”
“N-No it’s okay, I was just lost in thought that’s all.” Flitter smiled before her eyes darted down the hallway to room 138. Clearing her throat she attempted to make some small talk, if for no other reason than to cover up her momentary surprise. “The receptionist said she is still sleeping.”
“Ah did she now?” The doctor sighed good-naturedly before turning his head to follow the mare’s gaze. “I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, she has caused quite a stir… unable to find any missing reports, no family contacting us, the injuries shown to be sustained in her past.”
Flitter could only nod as the bronze-maned doctor recited the list of problems. Shifting on her hooves she tilted her head before gesturing to the door timidly. “May I go in?”
“Oh! Of course, I am sure she would appreciate how often you and your sister come to visit her.” Doctor Remedial slowly trotted beside the pegasus as he looked over the chart before him. “I just came from there earlier; she seems to have recovered from the pulmonary edema brought on by the secondary drowning.”
Flitter blinked a few times before looking aside bashfully, biting her lower lip. The doctor upon noticing her expression gave a soft sigh before smiling.
“Pulmonary edema is extrusion of liquid into the lungs which can cause respiratory failure…” His attempt at explaining was met with Flitter nodding before blushing further, her eyes suddenly taking great interest in the floor ahead of herself. “Miss Flitter, if you don’t understand you don’t have to be ashamed.”
The pegasus mare winced slightly before seating herself down much to the doctor’s surprise.
“I’m not ashamed, I… some stuff goes over my head, and it’s just a little… frustrating I guess when I just want a simple explanation.” Flitter followed up by biting her lower lip, slightly flustered both at not comprehending what he was saying and having voiced as such so bluntly. “I’m sorry, that was rude of me. I just really want to know what’s wrong with her.”
“Flitter.”
The doctor’s voice snapped Flitter out of her reverie to look at him curiously as he continued.
“There is nothing to be ashamed about not knowing certain things. Now, be it my place to say or not but I see a lovely, and kind hearted mare before me who cares about a filly she just met.” His voice was kept soft and gentle as Flitter offered a small shy smile at the praise. “That young pegasus in there is lucky that you two came along when you did, and even more so that you are so concerned.”
“I guess…” Flitter stood, her ears flicking as she cautiously started walking again before clearing her throat. “S-So… um, what… did you mean exactly?”
Doctor Remedial gave a warm chuckle as he tucked the clipboard into a saddlebag before eyeing the embarrassed Flitter kindly.
“When somepony falls into the water they have a risk of getting water into the lungs.” A nod was given by Flitter encouraging him to continue showing she understood. “Now, the water, or fluid can act as an irritant or… problem inside the lungs. The body doesn’t respond well to this and it reduces the pony’s ability to breathe. This is when fluid gets into the air spaces of the lungs leading to a term we call pulmonary edema… which…”
A quick look at Flitter assured the doctor that she was understanding, or at least grasping most of what was said by the concerned expression on her face. Clearing his throat he continued as they neared room 138.
“Well let’s call it secondary drowning… it happens even when you get a pony out of the water, fluid is still in the lungs and the pony, well… drowns on dry land.” Doctor Remedial saw the horror pass over Flitter’s face before he smiled and eased her concerns. “But as I said, thanks to your quick actions we managed to prevent that outcome. I believe I told your sister but not you, but when she fell asleep on Cloudchaser’s back she was most likely already succumbing. We had to remove a remarkable amount of fluid from her lungs.”
Flitter gave a soft sound of relief but also realised how close they had come. If Cloudchaser hadn’t gotten impatient and started galloping they would never have made it in time.
“But she’s okay now right?” Flitter paused before the door as she looked at the older stallion, the doctor giving a nod of his head.
“Well… from that ordeal? Yes… but how she came across all those other injuries is another mystery, one we won’t solve until she wakes out of-“
That was when a loud crash cut the doctor off along with a garbled scream from within the room causing both to rush inside and to the sight presented to them.
~~~~~~
Viktoria whimpered pitifully as she found herself positioned almost upside down upon the ground, the blanket wrapped all around her limbs making even the tiniest movement all but impossible. Just as soon as she had fallen off the bed however she heard the door open, yet remained unable to see who exactly it was. She hoped for humans but that hope was soon thwarted as she heard the tell-tale sound of hooves on the floor.
Gazing out of the blankets she could only sniffle softly at her predicament while trying to pull herself free. The only thing her efforts succeeded in was entangling further within the nefarious and traitorous blanket.
“Hang on little one.” A male voice sounded out, possibly from the greenish blob that was slowly approaching as a strange sensation encompassed her. Shockingly Viktoria felt herself slowly being lifted off the ground which caused her to only panic further. “Please stop struggling; I will have you out of there in a moment.”
Viktoria wasn’t listening by that point, she could barely see, she was being lifted up somehow into the air and the panic was quickly catching up to her. Normally Viktoria considered herself level headed, but given everything that had happened to her thus far logic had taken a back seat about the time she was levitated. It took the strangely familiar female voice sounding out from the slowly approaching grayish-blue blob to calm her down.
“Let me try Doctor.”
Viktoria felt herself slowly be lowered upon the ground only to have the indecipherable mix of colour slowly get clearer as it approached. Her eyes went wide seeing the pale green hair with the pink ribbon tied within.
“It’s okay, you remember me right?” Flitter said with a warm smile as Viktoria gave a small nod and in the process ceased her struggles completely. “No one is going to hurt you, let me help you out.”
True to her word Flitter used her mouth to gently tug the blanket. After a little bit of manoeuvring and two or so minutes later she was finally freed from the linen, in no small part due to the filly somehow getting the blanket tangled in ways that defied explanation. Blinking slowly Viktoria offered a small shy smile towards her saviour who returned the expression prior to turning to look at the other in the room. As the blob approached she got a good look at the other pony, a little surprised by his colouration. If she thought the two mares were odd, this male one took the cake with his fur colouring. Helped to a standing position by Flitter, Viktoria took a deep breath as the male horse, or stallion as was probably the proper definition looked at her with an expression of concern.
It seemed wherever she was there were ponies instead of humans, or alternatively everyone had been transformed into a pony. The second option didn’t really ring true as everyone wasn’t panicking, so the first must be the more viable reason. At the moment she didn’t know exactly what to think, part of her knew she should be terrified by this revelation. Then again, the fact she was currently a talking pony-thing herself somehow muted the horror.
Or maybe she was simply in shock and it would all catch up with her again later leaving her a quivering mess?
“Miss, what are you doing out of your bed?” Doctor Remedial’s horn glowed again making Viktoria give a gurgling squeak and try to step back, only resulting in her falling over her own hooves onto the floor. The doctor immediately ceased the build-up of magic while raising a fore hoof defensively.
“Doctor Remedial, I… I think your magic is scaring her.” Flitter gently approached causing Viktoria to settle, the transformed girl’s eyes wide as she stared at the horse. It wasn’t exactly that she was scared, but more astounded upon seeing a unicorn. Granted a pegasus was strange enough, but now there was a unicorn… and it was casting magic of sorts?
“I believe you may be right Flitter, are you okay miss?” The doctor’s concern was evident and Viktoria gave a small nod, scrambling with Flitter’s help to get into a seated position which… all things considered felt incredibly awkward. She found herself seated like a dog, and despite how odd it felt, it felt… comfortable enough so she didn’t fight it.
Doctor Remedial exhaled in relief seeing the pegasus was at least calmed down somewhat before he tilted his head, the clipboard being levitated out of his bag while watching Viktoria curiously for any reaction. Noticing her wide eyes full of wonder he scribbled a few things down. “Can you tell us your name?”
“V-Vah… Vah… Vah doooreeeea.” Viktoria struggled around the syllables before she frowned afterwards, casting a look aside in frustration. She could feel her ears were flattened into her mane, annoyed and angry her strange body would not work as she desired. Flitter and Doctor Remedial shared a look before he coughed into a forehoof. Before he could speak Flitter chimed in, Viktoria surprised as she found lilac eyes staring at her above a warm smile on the mare’s face.
“It’s okay, something bad happened to you didn’t it?” The doctor seemed a little surprised by Flitter’s forthcoming but Viktoria could only nod, something horrible did happen to her. Seeing this Flitter continued, emboldened by the response, “and is that why you are… um, how you are right now?”
Viktoria blinked at that before nodding rapidly, it seemed someone understood her plight. A frown seemed to cross over Doctor Remedial’s face as he jotted down more notes while Flitter winced.
“Well, you won’t be hurt here anymore. Do you know where your parents are?” The Doctor asked, his anger growing which he tried to hide. Something or somepony had horribly abused this filly before him, and it took every ounce of his professionalism not to allow his emotions to seep to the surface.
Viktoria, unaware of their inner musings shook her head. She had never had parents ever since she was supposedly found a few months old, the fact she didn’t have any didn’t really concern her too much by this point in time. The reaction however from the two older ponies made her slightly concerned as they shared another glance at each other.
“I see, well don’t worry we’ll take good care of you here until you’re better.” Doctor Remedial nodded reassuringly and offered a smile, one Viktoria found herself cautiously returning. She didn’t know what was going on but anyone willing to help her was greatly appreciated. “But for now I need you to be a good girl and get back into bed, we’ll start your physical rehabilitation in the morning, okay?”
The young pegasus blinked at the last part.
“W-Whaaaaad daaaauuuu meeeeeeaaan?” Much to her surprise she found stressing the words out made it slightly more comprehendible as she smacked her tongue within her mouth experimentally. Flitter gave a small smile as she tilted her head.
“What does he mean?” Viktoria nodded as Flitter seemed to pick up the meaning, casting a glance at the doctor who smiled and put the clip board away.
“We’ll discuss it in the morning, but for now you need your rest… you had a very harrowing experience.” The doctor paused before he clicked his tongue and looked behind him at the wall on which sat a black blob that Viktoria could not discern the purpose of. “Tell you what, since you’ve been such a good girl so far, I’ll get the nurse to go get some books for you… but just as long as you stay in bed alright?”
Viktoria blinked at this and sighed. She wished she could tell them she was unable to see anything at the moment, let alone figure out how to read with hooves but instead she gave a small forlorn nod. It was then that another problem presented itself, her belly gurgling. A very odd and not at all unpleasant feeling built up in her abdomen, or where she presumed her abdomen as a winged pony was.
The two once more exchanged glances before Viktoria whimpered and tried to cross her legs, only resulting in her almost falling over from her seated position. Thankfully Flitter was close by and quickly used a wing for support.
“Do… do you need to use the little filly’s room?” Flitter’s question was hesitant yet kind and while Viktoria had no real idea what such a room was, she figured it was close to what she needed. Nodding quickly the doctor took a few steps back to allow access outside.
“The door directly on the opposite side to your room.” Doctor Remedial watched before blinking as Viktoria struggled to get onto all fours, yet again finding the balancing act far beyond her capacity. In truth it was easy getting upright, but taking a step she found herself overcompensating or worse, her hind legs not working how she wished them to. She was trying to crawl, but that wasn’t at all how her limbs worked. After several seconds of this Flitter gently nudged her with her muzzle and moved to place a wing to help support.
“Here, let me help.” Flitter smiled as Viktoria felt anger build at her body again, the desire to cry creeping up from the dark recesses of her mind. Taking the older mare’s help, she half limped, half staggered and somehow also half leaned to get out the door, all the while the stallion went back to writing notes, a frown growing across his brow.
In what seemed like an eternity she finally was assisted to the bathroom, Flitter nudging the door open before guiding her towards one of the stalls.
“I’ll be here if you need me, okay?” Flitter’s words were kind and Viktoria offered a shy nod. She was going to be strong! She wasn’t going to let this beat her, and she was going to figure out what happened to her and get back to her old body. Why she had been turned into a strange alien pony-thing was still a mystery, but one that took a back seat to her current predicament. Squinting she tried to see what the thing in front of her was, noting it was unlike any toilet she had ever used.
With great reluctance she moved and tried to posture herself. As luck would have it, the intricacies of such a move were beyond her sense of balance and she had a front leg slip from under her. In a panic her body tried to spread her wings which remained bound to her body, this in turn threw her off more. Hooves skidded over the tiles before she banged her head against one of the walls, dazing herself. Barely able to hear Flitter’s worried voice through the ringing she staggered, a cry of anguish passing her mouth as she tumbled resulting in a splash, and a very wet head.
Flitter almost immediately opened the stall door to see the sight of Viktoria with her head half in the toilet, scrambling to remove it. Quickly she approached only to back off as the young filly gave an angry sounding cry accompanied with smashing her front hooves against the ground. Finally Viktoria paused and sniffled, her mane half saturated as it dribbled down her face and onto the tiles. All the misery she was withholding rushed back as she moved her forelimbs over her head and sobbed quietly, barely aware of the soft wing gently resting over her back.
Flitter, unaware of what to say in the situation simply lowered herself down to provide what comfort she could, slightly surprised when Viktoria pushed against her and sobbed louder. The filly seemed to be trying to say something but it was all coming out garbled and nonsense, but the grief and fear within the words were enough to melt the pegasus’s heart.
Flitter was a kind mare; she didn’t harbour ill will towards anyone.
Nevertheless she would find whoever did this to such a young pegasus and make them pay, if that was the last thing she did.
And finally chapter two is done.
I am really sorry about the wait and hope to get these out far more rapidly now. I wont make any promises though after what happened in the last month. ^-^
Anyhow, hope you enjoy.
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Squee's are awesome no matter the gender!
Why does everything you write feels amazing ._.
Amazing I say!
Excellent, though quite sad at the same time; poor Viktoria. Well... Equestria will help her.
Hahaha! This is pure d'aww, with a heart of gold. I loved this update, and was supremely giddy it did update. Huzzah! But thanks for this, as I really think im going to enjoy this so much every update, no matter how long it is between them.
yay
please, do continue
Revenge foreverrrr! A Stranger Among the Voices has a similar line in chapter 2.
2 stories in 2 days from 1 amazing author, with both of them being Indescribably epic! What could be better?
This was defiantly worth the wait, I cant wait to see what you do with this, so far its awesome.
PS: How's Physio going? That Shoulder getting better?
I think I find myself feeling more for Viktoria in this story then Jessica in your other story. Maybe it's because I'm guessing that she is going to have a harder time overall being a pony, and being a younger girl. Many feel have been had.
I really like how this is shaping up, this appears to also be in the universe as "a voice among the stangers"
oh good, it updated, an enjoyable story as always, I would wish for more frquent updates, but i would only protest it with every chapter. Its my greed
so she can understand there speaking but im guessing not the spelling right?
I feel simultaneously sad and happy for Viktoria. On the one hand, she got turned into a pony, with no idea how to control herself, then dumped into Equestria, and nearly drowning due to the aforementioned lack of control. That part sucks, and, along with the fact she has zero desire to be in such a situation, explains why I'm sad.
I am happy, however, because the ponies of Equestria (With a handful fo notable exceptions) are a kind, nurturing people, who will help her get through this traumatic time. Additionally, being found by Flitter and Cloudchaser is hardly a worst-case scenario, and they will likely help out quite a bit. She also didn't pop up in the Everfree forest, which is most certainly not a bad thing.
Oh, look. my comment is big, detailed, and intelligent sounding! Who brainsnatched me? Dangit Katdude!
In all seriousness, though. You're a great author, Tystarr. Keep up the wonderful work!
Yeesh, rough. Here's hoping things look up for her soon!
Woooo! The new chapter is out!
Awesome! I hope for more!
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Urgh, that started getting me to tear up a bit...
3258508 Don't worry so much about the waiting. IT'S TOTALLY WORTH IT!!! The Storys are wonderfull to read and the feelings are amazing.
Yes, the interesting part will be her trying to explain what happened to her.
They already suspect that she's mentally unstable, what with the lack of motor control. When she starts talking about another world and strange mirror...
Wait, does the situation in Canterlot has something to do with mirrors?
Oh dear, the ponies think she is an abuse victim.
It’s probably a good thing she can’t talk at the moment…
I cannot describe the smile I had after I read this.
Normally, that would mean posting an image that was more descriptive, but I also couldn't find an image that adequately translated the look on my face.
As I am far too paranoid to post images of myself on the internet, I'm afraid you'll just have to let your imagination come up with something.
With the important stuff out of the way, I thought I'd compile some useful information about punctuation for you, as this seems to be your biggest issue (your spelling is flawless as far as I can tell, and your grammar is also typically accurate). Specifically you have a tendency of neglecting the kind of punctuation that create pauses, such as commas (,), semicolons (;), parentheses (()), and ellipses (...). Without further ado, here are some handy tips regarding their functions and uses.
Commas are used to connect a modifying clause to a sentence (a clause is a group of words). For instance, this sentence could exist without being a fragment if the words "For instance" were removed from the beginning. They're also used along with conjunctions to connect two separate clauses that are strongly related, but only when you're not using the semicolon.
A lot of people are scared of semicolons; once you learn how to use them, however, they can be your best friend. They can act like very flexible conjunctions by combining clauses that are separate, but related in a way that is too abstract for a worded conjunction. They can also be used to prevent comma splicing while still keeping clauses connected. Just remember that, in most cases, the clauses that a semicolon connects could stand on their own as complete sentences.
Parentheses (singular: parenthesis,) can best be described as tools that can be used to insert a smaller thought within a sentence. The key rule to them is that the sentence that they are in can still be clearly read if the parentheses (and the words between them,) were removed. Be warned, however; the interaction between parentheses and commas can be rather tricky. Words within parentheses (such as here,) should end with a comma if the parentheses are followed by more words in the clause. That being said, there are two exceptions; if the word directly before the parentheses would end in a comma (like in this case), the comma gets moved to the end of the closing parenthesis, and when they come at the end of the sentence, there is no comma at all (however, the period should be on the outside, like here).
Finally, we have the ellipsis. This ending punctuation represents an even longer break than the period. They are typically used when a thought or statement trails off, or when someone expects a reply, but never gets one. Such a pause is most often used in creative writing to inform the reader that a character is still following the same train of thought without actually writing it all in, that an implication is being made, or that the thought following the ellipsis was reached after some passage of time.
Now, I will correct one sentence where the proper use of all four of these can be demonstrated. First, the unaltered line:
And these are the changes, with clauses separated by color and punctuation changes underlined:
Here, the red and blue clauses are capable of being independent sentences, but are closely related enough to connect using a semicolon. The comma separating the light green and dark green clauses represents a pause to add the modifying clause, but unlike with the semicolon, the dark green clause cannot be a complete sentence. The parentheses are used to show that the green clauses are a secondary thought that alters the significance of the red and blue clauses. Finally, the ellipsis represents a long pause before the thought in the orange clause (which is also a complete sentence,) was reached.
If you have any questions, or if I didn't explain something adequately enough, please feel free to ask.
P.s, I'm sorry about linking you to Schoolhouse Rock; it's just one of my favorite songs, and I can never help but think of it any time the word "conjunction" is mentioned.
Good chapter, I'd be teary eyed right now, but my soul got a new job as Head Overseer of Sinner Torture in Tartarus.
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The author stated already, that this is NOT the same universe.
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Considering, I am both writing a story AND didn't think the example sentence as flawed (at most somewhat oddly phrased), it worries me that I end up littering the text with the kind of mistakes you mentioned. <- Did I follow the rules with the previous sentence? That's how I write in general.
I'm not sure how to interpret this part, in particular the "fresh tissue" statement. Did the transformation cause extensive growth? Did I miss somehow previous bone breaking injuries mentioned in the first chapter or just part of the transformation? Also, I like "Jane Mare". Is the male "John Stallion" then?
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I am not ruling out a crossover, as it would be so much fun to see Viktoria interact with say, Ebony, Jessica or the foalings... but at this stage the story will be standalone. It would raise too many questions to AVATS but I wont go into detail...
Maybe a side story for a little bit of fun later on though.
As for the fresh tissue, it is relating to the fact the transformation was... well, brutal. New tissue implies exactly what it means.
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Shall look into this further. ^-^
Thank you.
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Alas, that was in the Crystal Empire actually.
Mmm, mirrors.
No Alicorn Twilight I am afraid though. Not that I don't like her, I adore her as a character and have nothing against becoming a princess but until it is shown to stick I will probably be avoiding it. Because I am lazy.
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Thank you, hope you all continue to enjoy. ^-^
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O.o
I just write what comes into my head, I have a long way to go to reach amazing. ^-^;
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Alas, no. It would be too difficult entwining the two, and as much as I would LOVE to do it so I don't repeat some parts in the AVATS sequel, it is best to keep them seperate.
Of course... later on there might be possibility at side stories where they may meet up. Wont give anything more away though!
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Reeeeevenge!
Although a Flitter based revenge doesn't sound quite as threatening as an Ebony based one. Just saying.
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It's good you are feeling for Viktoria's plight, it meant I did something right at least!
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Sore, worse...
Pick a level of pain and I am probably over it. ^-^;
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Wheee, greed!
3260871 I shall, and don't worry about the interval between chapters offsetting me, I have thirty hours of new anime to watch, three Studio Ghibli movies to watch, and Django Unchained. I'm set for five days.
3260871
Crystal Empire, duh
Yeah, didn't think this through. Doesn't help I did not watch EG.
Also, I do hope that you are not aggravating your condition by writing these stories.
If you do, I would implore you to slow down/stop. I shall not accept you hurting so that we can have some luxury reading. Your health is a prime concern!
Of course, if you feel the need to write (or it's not degrading your shoulder,) go ahead and write! Just don't force yourself for us! We can wait. Quite long if need be!
And, as always, keep up the good work!
3260376...
...
this... so much this!
This is something that nobody has ever managed/cared to teach me! And my own language has different rules regarding punctuation. Not that I know them properly...
And this is simply beautiful! And better than anything I managed to find on my own!
I will be coming to this one blogpost time and again in the future, I am sure of it! I can't really note it down in fashion that pleases me and it's simply anything I need, right here!
Thank you!
Though I probably mangled something in this very comment.
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No no no. You reached higher than amazing as soon as you posted the first chapter of A voice among the strangers. :3
I'm trying to make you feel great, is it working?
Tell me it's working! :D
"Her eyes went wide seeing the pale green hair with the pink ribbon tied within." According to MLP wikia the hair is pale blue.
Tystarr - whatever you write, turns to gold! I enjoyed it the same as your first epic story :].
MOAR!!!
Beautiful.
0.o
W-well... I am most certainly glad that you folks liked what I provided. I was worried that people would be turned off my the length of my comment, but your responses have left me pleasantly surprised.
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The comma before "Considering" is unnecessary; it is something you (the subject) are actually doing to the objects of the sentence (the objects are "writing a story" and "didn't think the example [w]as flawed"), and therefore inherently changes the subjects, objects, and predicates of the sentence. However, I can't blame you for this one. You followed the rules I gave that stated that one clause could exist independently as a sentence if the parts connected to it with commas were removed, but I failed to give an accurate definition of a clause.
First of all, you have two major kinds of clauses: independent and dependent. An independent clause has a subject (something that is performing an action or in a state of being), a predicate (something that the subject is doing or being), and occasionally an object (something that is being affected by the subjects action or state of being) that all make sense when said without anything else. A dependent clause also has a subject, a predicate, and sometimes an object, but would sound strange if said alone. Dependents must be connected to independents by a comma, and independents can be connect with semicolons or a comma and a conjunction.
For instance, in your sentence, the second clause is the independent clause and the first is the dependent. "Considering I am both writing a story AND didn't think the example was flawed." As you can see, this sentence doesn't make sense, and that makes it the dependent. That being said, there is something rather tricky about this particular sentence; if we remove the word "Considering," it changes the subjects, objects, and predicates of the clause and makes it independent! Things like this make my head ache just thinking about them.
Here's something that helps me when dealing with the subtler dealings of the comma; if I feel even slightly suspicious about a its placement, I read the sentence out loud, first with a slight pause where the comma is, then without. If one sounds more natural than the other, I go with it.
With that being said, your parentheses were handled perfectly. The additional information in it would have been awkward if it had been attached with a comma and conjunction.
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It is a pleasure to help you.
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I'm very glad you found it useful. If I can make a suggestion, Ezn wrote a handy guide to help people learning to write, and it can be found here. I'm going to try to avoid going into the detail he does, if only because it's rude to write such long comments.
With all that being said, I should mention one final thing. Writing was designed to imitate speech, and the punctuation marks represent things that cannot normally be expressed by words, such as inflections and pauses. Here's something I strongly suggest if you feel even slightly suspicious about the placement of a punctuation; trying saying the sentence out loud, first with the effect the punctuation creates, then without. If one sounds more natural than the other, use the one that fits.
Quite interesting. I have read a number of transformation stories, but never one where the transformed had this much difficulty in the new body. I supposes it is more realistic, though.
I love it!
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Yes it's really refreshing to find a story where the human turned pony struggle to adapt to an alien body with some extra limbs and differents senses. Way better than a story with Josh the Brony turned Alicorn and able to pull a triple Sonic Rainboom the minute after being transformed.
And it's nice to see Flitter and Cloudchaser in a story without clop too
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There are stories like that?
I would like to see them, need something to laugh about!
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Just make a research with tags like " Human ", " Romance ", " Sex " and you're going to find a LOT of them. Especially if you search at the bottom of the trashcan these tags represent.
And that's why I'm happy when I found authors like Tystarr , who manage to make an interresting story with " overused " ideas.
I'm already loving the big sister role Flitter has taken~
Also, I really do appreciate the attention of detail to her difficulty towards acclimating to her new body, you're doing it well.
I'm not good at detailed critique, so I'll just say this.
I love it.
Make more please, at your own pace of course.
Note: I am not a worker at Twilight's Library. My statements have no weight to your stories approval/Disapproval.
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O.o
Well given I have never added my stories to any groups ( I have no idea how to in te first place), it doesn't really worry me. ^-^;
Viktoria will be less passive in a few chapters anyhow as her personality gets over the shock. Plus I am used to doing 10k plus chapters so doing smaller ones is something very different for me and pacing may be off! I am just glad some people enjoy my silly ideas at least. ^-^
3320457 Did you miss this part?
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Not at all, I just mentioned I never added it so if it gets approved or not doesn't really impact me. Should it? ^-^;
I'm not being dismissive of it, I just... really don't know the relevance. It is nice to be accepted to them I guess as it means I wrote something nice, but otherwise as long as even a few people enjoy my writing then I did something right. ^-^
Truth be told I never knew it was submitted or whatever it was in the first place, urp. So... I guess you just posted that comment because you didn't like it yourself? If that is the case I'm sorry for that but thank you for taking the time to read it anyhow!
Alright, founder of Twilight's Library here.
While your fanfic was in our incoming folder, we don't, as a rule, post rejections in the comments of incoming fanfics for exactly this reason. While fanfics are usually submitted by the author, that's not always the case, and getting a rejection for something you didn't submit is rather odd. So we usually just keep them in the group. (We do, however, post approvals in the comments, which is where Romaji may have gotten confused.)
We also normally try to give suggestions for improvement. Also, approvals and rejections are done by admins and contributors, and Romaji is currently neither, though he appears to be interested in becoming one.
Sorry about this. Having random rejections posted on people's stories isn't exactly how I want my group represented.
--arcum42
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Please don't worry about it! I have had a few apologies my way but I never took the comment to heart and just saw it as feedback. I however DID look at the group and saw it was pretty nifty. But no, I have never added my stories to a group as I have no idea how. Hence it was strange to get the comment. ^-^;
Thank you for your concern though but it was fine and I thought little of it! I did see some of my other stories were accepted to the group though which was pretty cool. ^-^
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As far as adding stories to groups, you have to be a member of the groups first, so you just go around joining groups that are based around things in your stories, then go to your story, hit add to group, click on the group name, then click on the folder you want to add it to.
Each group you add it to increases the potential readers, so it's usually a good idea to add them to a few. For example, stories about Sweetie Belle could go in the Sweetie Belle group. I usually add my own fanfics to half a dozen when they are first published.
Anyways, glad you weren't too upset by it. And I was the one that approved "A Voice Among the Strangers" to be added, actually. I don't think I had nearly as many admins back then.
Now to try to figure out if I want to give Romaji a shot as contributor. I could use the help, but more tact is certainly called for...
Found a few months old? Wild guess, she didn't get sent to Equestria, she got brought back to Equestria.
I think I'm the only one who notices this but...your environmental detail is bad. Like surroundings and positioning of important objects. The way you write however tells us each object is in the room, but the only way I as a reader is constructing the scene is because you're pacing is amazing. I don't have to deal with random teleports from one side of the room to the other. But I do notice there's a lot of teleportation going on when there aren't any characters talking.
Don't get me wrong (I say that for fans who read my comment), you're writing is amazing, your characters are interesting, and the amount of thoughtfulness you give to everything that you've made is impressive. I love every bit of your writing...course your environments need a little work.
Also the length of time that I was reading a scene allowed me to construct it, but I'll give you an example of where I got confused in your scenes, and what I'm talking about.
At one point, Viktoria and Flitter were heading to the bathroom. From what I read, I assumed the bathroom was connected to the room they were in. Then after a few moments of believing that, I noticed that the Doctor said "They should be back by now." which implies they've left their vicinity. Viktoria and Flitter then come through a door that was behind the Doctor and Cloudchaser. However the scene that I built from what you've described was a scene where there was one bed, a small room, with an adjoining bathroom. Then suddenly they appear in the front door where I didn't expect them to be. I also took notice of the fall Viktoria had, and yea I noticed the doctor didn't do anything so I was confused for a little while on where they were.
You tend to actually teleport your characters every once in a while. If they're not participating in a scene with each other, then they're moving around places really quickly and such.
Did I mention that I like flowers? Sometimes a good blue hue is relaxing, but mentally stimulating, so it's not a good relaxing colored flower at all...hehe...yellow is a dangerous color. If a bug is yellow then it's probably poisonous.
You know, I can understand not prioritizing speaking when you find yourself in the middle of the forest; however, I'd think that'd be the first thing to learn in a hospital environment :/. Eh, let's see where this goes
Ack, self inducedswirly.
Yes. The Ponies are so far diverged from basal Equus stock that IMO they are no longer even truly in the genus. I wrote an essay about it "A Horse Isn't A Horse, Of Course, Of Course," which goes into the question in detail. The only thing I'd add to that is that I'm now convinced that all three main Kinds have telekinesis, which manifests itself in different ways -- in Unicorns most obviously through the horn for direct manipulation and space-time warping, in Pegasi through the wings as a flight-field which both propels and protects, and in Earth Ponies through the hooves and whole body for manipulation and strength.
Also: the Sea Ponies and derived races have pegasus-like propellor and streamlining fields emnating from the hindlimbs (if any) and tail; the Changeling field works on every cell of their body allowing them to Shift.
The difference Viktoria is noticing is that her forelimbs have flexible shoulder and wrist joints like humans, rather than rigid ones like true horses.