Love is Magic by ales_horses (Recommendation-style short-review - for fics I would recommend, but for flaws with the format that can be sorted with editing) · 8:02am May 11th
[SLICE OF LIFE] [CUTE]
Overall. Minty time travels you back to a Hasbro shareholder meeting in 2003.
There's a new release! To complement this new line, among our media profile is included this gem.
Best lines:
“And I’m Pinkie Pie!” introduced the large pink mare. “And I know Ponyville like my own frogs! I’ll be happy to lead you to your address.”
Bashful Bonnet weakly looked between her mother’s legs. She squeaked at the sight of the newcomers.
On one side of their path was a tall, yellow building. In front of it was a large patch of grass. In the patch of grass sat a large sign. On it read Flower Garland School. The sun sparkled on the dew of the autumn grass and criss-crossed through the mist. A chilly breeze blew through Sweetie’s mane. She was very glad to be wearing a blanket.
Starsong brayed loudly[...]. “Yeah! And you should see my jumping, too!”
“I[...] guess you're called Starjumper Pegasi for a reason?” Sweetie [...]asked.
Starsong brayed loudly[...]. “Yeah! And you should see my jumping, too!” {s}he stated.
[...]
Starsong had a bit of an accent, Sweetie noted. Her T and H sounds came out much harder that Sweetie’s did, and her vowels were less prominent on some words.
“Do you know anything about science, Sweetie Belle?” Toola Roola asked. Her voice was a bit lispy, but still understandable.
Why read? incredible G3 vibes at start; ultra cute/sweet; deep-seated love of MLP; makes you want to buy ponies and <3 them.
Flaws. Writing and focus. This could be great, but it needs a fairly sharp edit.
Dialogue Tips Careful with dialogue (pony writing guide great for this): sentences must complete first before continuing spoken statements; use new lines more; hyphens aren't pauses; speaking verb first, then the adverb (eg "asked, meekly"); never capitalise said-tags.
Writing Tips Less repetition of action-describers (swishing tails); careful of description overload, especially with multiple ponies; word-use in places eg 'non-muscular'; word efficiency (eg brayed loudly in a laugh); some proofing lapses (missed out words here or there).
Structure tips Pony overload! Streamline your ponies - focus on themes between the chars to make them memorable. Title connection could be sharper.
Tag correction [Slice of life] [Alternate: universe]* [Adventure]
WHY THE HAY DOESN'T THIS SITE HAVE A CUTE TAG!? This fic would be perfect for it.
Alt:U confusingly does not refer to the typical fics on this site, and therefore G3 is not an AU. You are writing incredibly, wonderfully, within the G3 universe. This might be one of the lease Alt:U things I have ever read on here, and that is a good thing.
Special Gen 3 is a gen most of us need introducing to. Your characterisation is great, but I wonder if some pics might help to get familiar with the chars? Or an overview pic with all the chars in, named, in an author's note?
Queries
Up close, Toola looked a bit more like a mule than an alluvium.
After a quick google, I am still confuse.
Final thought. Why did I just order a hundred G3 ponies?
Because G3 is best generation.
5780303
that gen. It has a totally different feel to FiM (and ofc I love my FiM too) but any gen that inspires this line:
true, I do
is the true best gen