...Guh. Why is my alarm clock early? Looking up, I saw that it’s not any earlier than I set it. (6 AM, fast by exactly 15 minutes.)
Turning off my alarm, it seemed that the gap between my bed and my alarm clock is much bigger. To top it off, my fingers aren’t cooperating. Thinking this weird, I tried to put on clothes to go to school. They seem a lot bigger, and my tail gets in my way.
Wait, tail!?
It’s blond, as is usual.
You know what, image crisis later. I need the bathroom.
Going to the bathroom, I noticed that the room is (say it with me now) bigger than usual. Shaking the strange feeling off, I noted that my legs are light grey and fuzzy.
Odd. Most of the time, they’re not grey.
When I finished, I peered into the mirror. Blonde, messy hair? Check. Gold eyes? Check.
Wait a second. My eyes are normally blue.
Looking closer, it seems I am a shocked grey pony with a blonde mane and golden eyes. So, a Derpy lookalike with straight eyes who is shocked to see me.
How did I open my door? Are those wings? It appears they are. How do I fly? How do I walk? How am I standing here?
Turns out that I’m not anymore, as it seems questioning it makes it stop working. Unfortunately, it stops working right on top of my wings. Stupid sensitive Pegasus wings.
While in pain, a thought occurred to me.
Why me?
For now, just blame Discord. It's in the same vein as his previous actions.
After the pain stopped, which took a long time, (because of my stupid sensitive pegasus wings) I decided I needed help.
“Hey mom? Are you awake?” There is a definite hesitation about those words.
Apparently she isn’t, but the cat is. She heard and investigated me. It turns out that I’m not that interesting to her, even after my strange transformation.
“Stormy, it’s me, Chris. I seem to have been turned into a pony. Can you tell me how to walk?” This question, while mostly a joke, bore my only hope of knowing how to move around the world.
Meowing, she walked away. Using my new hooves, I pulled the door towards me to better see the way quadrupeds walk. Being one now, it seems to me like good information to have.
After as much study as Stormy will allow me (Read: none. She’s not keen on others petting her on anything but her own terms.), I practiced on over to my mom’s room. Unlike me, she leaves her door open.
“Hey mom? It seems that I’m a pony.”
She doesn’t wake. My newfound hooves take care of that faster than my hands could have. So there are benefits to the transformation (other than flight, the fur being very soft, increased lung capacity...).
After my explanation was repeated and she was fully awake, my mother looked me over almost as if I was a prank.
“You say you’re my son. Prove it,” she said skeptically.
“My favorite member of the crew of the Serenity is Wash, the Dreamcast reigns eternal, First Contact is pretty cool, and you like The Typing of the Dead,” I rattle off. Strange, I haven’t practiced...
“Tell me the password to your account on the computer.”
“No.” This comes with a look that simply says ‘You are nuts.’
“Okay, then. If you aren’t Chris, you’re close enough,” she admitted rather grudgingly, adding “So, why’re you waking me up this early?”
“I need you to call me off of school.” This was obvious to anyone.
“Why?”
“You have to ask?” My eyebrows wanted to leap off of my face, judging by how fast they rose.
“I was just seeing if it was the reason I thought.”
“Which is...?” My eyebrows tried to revolt again, this time with considerably less success.
“Your lack of fingers,” she pointed out, seemingly forgetting that I had probably already noticed.
“That’s a major factor, yes, along with distracting every class that has any line-of sight to me and the probable anti-pony groups.”
“There are anti-pony groups?” She sighs. “I swear, some people will be against anything...”
“There are none that I know of yet. This may be the slowest hate group to form.” I would prefer this feeling is true. “At least, I hope so,” I add, smiling.
“And on that note, I’ll be downstairs.”
“Okay, have fun.”
“You too.” Now to get downstairs, I need to go down stairs. How did I forget that?
This can only end awfully.
Wait, I totally have wings! This is awesome!
...I think, right before gracefully hitting my head on the ceiling. If anyone asks, it’s because of my mom’s understandable freakout. She needs some alone time to process this. After the incident with the ceiling, as I was still rubbing my head, I went to my computer and try to type. Oh yeah, hooves. Gotta do something to help me type.
I end up tying a pen to my hoof with a spare USB cable. Not much, but it works. I can type enough to get where I want on the internet. For the mouse, I can just be careful with my hoof.
With the pen on my hoof, I’m almost to my typing speed when I was 5! (That’s extremely slow.) I looked around the pony community, and saw that on Sunday, Lauren Faust had a press conference (Of course she was Celestia.). It was Thursday now, so more people have turned pony. So, I decided to check the news. I didn't find much, other than the press conference.
Maybe I should search something else.
Searching for pony clothing, I found a nice nearby tailor’s shop with pony-sized clothing. Taylor’s (seriously) opened at 10 and was in the Short North, two miles from my house. I nearly hit the ceiling in excitement. This time, the ceiling wasn’t quite close enough to hit me.
“Hey mom! I need a ride to High Street!” I shouted upstairs, grinning.
“Why?”
“My trenchcoat doesn’t fit ponies!” I said this more excitedly than I should have.
A bit of background: My family is composed entirely of creatures of habit. We have some odd ones, like the practice of putting wheat germ on ice cream. I don’t pretend to understand it. One of my odd ones is wearing a dull green trenchcoat and a German soccer scarf whenever doing anything sufficiently adventurous. I call it adventure gear. The inability to use a part of it is a national-scale emergency to me, and my poor mom knows it.
“When do they open, and where exactly is it?” She sounded grudging. Can’t imagine why...
“Taylor’s opens at ten.”
“I think I’ve seen that place. Why don’t we go up there around lunchtime and eat lunch there?”
“Okay. Sounds good.” I smiled at the thought of a new trenchcoat. My old one works just fine, but it’s starting to fall apart. I don’t want to see the day it starts tearing.
I donned my scarf to see if it fits. It does, with a little adjustment to prevent dragging on the ground. It’s not a Tom Baker scarf, thankfully.That would’ve been even worse.
About six hours later...
We stepped out of the door a little before 1:00, and tried to hop into the car. This was an experiment for me, as I had avoided sitting down in the normal human manner whilst using the computer.
Apparently, I could sit up decently, but not comfortably. It was more comfortable slouching slightly, like Lyra does, but in a car, that could end badly.
Eventually, the backseat saw my presence. More space to spread out my wings, and I can sit like a normal pony.
About five minutes later, we got there. It was off of High Street a couple of blocks, so parking was merely a hassle instead of a nightmare. There was a sign outside stating that pony clothing was available. When we walked in, there was no organization in in any manner.
“Looks like your room, Chris,” my ever-nice mother noted, grinning.
“Oh, you be quiet. Like your room is any better.” I think I got my moments of occasional snark from her.
I eventually find a cyan pony I don’t recognize, with a rainbow mane and tail.
“Would you happen to know where the owner is?” I asked.
“Yes. Do you happen to have any dull green trenchcoats with wing holes?” I asked, hoping the answer was a yes.
“I don’t know. Let me check on that for you,” the earth pony who looks vaguely like Rainbow Dash said. “Oh, and by the way, I am Rainbow Dash, or, more specifically, the one from G3.”
“How did you know what I was thinking?”
“I didn’t. It’s simply a common question.” That would explain it.
After she left to look for a long raincoat, I looked around some more. The more I looked, the more two conclusions came to me. First, this was a shop that either was prepared for the pony conversions or makes many things quickly. Second was the reason that I hate shopping: long stretches of time confined in a small area with little to do. That realization was brought on by the fact that it wasn’t a long time with nothing happening, as it was 5 minutes before a dismayed cyan earth pony came up to me.
“Sorry, we don’t have any.” She perked up instantly, as if thinking of a great idea. “Would you like to be the first to have one?”
“Sure, why not?” I saw a catch, but if it was what I thought it was, then the catch would be a benefit for all, what with the ability to make trenchcoats for more pegasi. It’s probably a niche market, but you never know what one will wear.
“Okay. I’ll need to measure you and make a pattern that fits, along with the coat itself.” For the record, I totally called it. “The measuring shouldn’t take long, but making the pattern and coat could take a half-hour to an hour, easily. After you’ve been measured, I’d suggest going and eating lunch.”
“Okay, when will we start measuring me?” I felt an urge to get over with it soon.
“How’s now for you?”
“Now is excellent.”
Before I finished the sentence, Rainbow, the Tailor’s number-one assistant (I’m pretty sure. She acts the part.) was on me with a measuring tape. Every measure conceivable and then some were checked, double-checked, and often triple-checked. It went much faster than expected, until she touched my wing.
“Eek!” I wasn’t expecting such a reaction. It just felt...wrong...to have a pony touching my wing. Like it was private... “...Is it possible to avoid touching my wings?”
“I can’t avoid it. Maybe calipers would help with the sensitivity?” She was genuinely concerned. How could I tell that? I’m not the best at sensing emotions. Must be the expressive face on her. Yeah, that must be it.
“Need me to use them?” My mother has apparently been watching for ten minutes or so. “I mean, I have thumbs.”
“That may work. It may also make her less comfortably with the measurements.” Let’s go to the tailor, I said. It’ll be fun, I said. I’ll get a nice coat then walk out, I said.
“I was a male until this morning! Yes, I can hear you talking about me directly above me.” Yes, I’ve always pointed out the obvious to others who seem to not see it. Hastily, I added “Do you really need many wing measurements? They aren’t pleasant.”
“I can get away with four: Thickness at the base and distance from leading edge and trailing edge for both wings.” Good, it’ll be over quickly. It’ll involve touching my wing, but not for long.
The measuring went more slowly this time around. Is it the calipers, or the ...sensitivity? Or maybe something else. I don’t know. I do know two things: First, I want to fly high, or at least higher than I am now. Second, I’m kinda hungry. Hungry enough to eat a horse comes to mind, but I quickly dismiss it, as that would be cannibalism, which is wrong. Kind of like eating meat.
Wait a second. While my mom’s a vegetarian, I eat meat. She’s fine with me eating meat, and doesn’t think doing so is wrong. So why, when I suddenly became a pony, do I feel that eating meat is wrong? Could the original owner of this body be influencing my mind?
No, that’s ridiculous.
While it took longer per measurement, Rainbow was still quick with the calipers. She was done within five minutes.
“I’ll need to make the actual coat now. May I suggest that you go to Quiznos for lunch?”
“Why them?” My mother piped in. A good question.
“They cater to ponies, and do a good job of it. Just walk in and they’ll know what to do.” Makes sense; there is a pony who works a couple of blocks away.
“Okay, we’ll be sure to go there. It’s still on High, above 670?” It can’t be said that I don’t know how to navigate the area. I’ve been to more than my share of Comfests so far in my life, Comfest being a yearly gathering in and around the local park.
The aforementioned park is nice in the early fall. I know because we walked (and I flew. Flying is awesome.) through it to get to the Quiznos. All in all, it was worth the walk. At the other end, there was only a couple of street crossings away. As we passed the Coldstone, A reasonable question occurred to me.
“Can ponies eat dairy?” It’s a good question. If we can’t, then that would wreck my life. Then the deeper recesses of my mind contributed.
If not, then why do we keep cows?
This thought felt ...different... somehow. Like it wasn’t mine. Around now, the idea that the true owner of this body was still in it started gaining credibility. The thought had a good point, though.
“Never mind. We can.” At this, my mom looked at me like I was a two-foot-tall pony at her eye level. It’s about time she figured that out.
“Of course you can. Why else would ponies have cows?” Somebody’s busted. I won’t tell you who, but you know full well.
“Mom, have you been watching ponies?”
“No. I saw screenshots all over the internet with ponies wrangling cows.” That also explains it. “They were hard to miss.”
“I’m sorry for the vocal fanbase, mom. Next time, I’ll go for a quieter one.” Sarcasm is common in my family. At this point, we were at the counter. My mom ordered a Veggie with everything, as is the norm. However, I didn’t know what I was being given, as they simply called it a ‘Pony Special.’ When I asked, they simply said that it was rumored to be the most delicious thing for us ponies, along with a test to see what side appealed to us most. I personally approve of this.
When we got the Pony Special, I started to unwrap it, finding a sandwich with lettuce and diced onions. On the side was a small portion of oats dusted with a red powder, and another of fried fibrous strands. On a whim, I tasted the sandwich first.
Not bad. If ‘not bad’ means ‘one of the single greatest things ever tasted’, then this is not bad. Finishing my sandwich, I set my sights on the red-dusted oats. After biting into them, chewing, and swallowing, my mouth started feeling like it was burning. This sensation...felt like jalapenos on my tongue. Wait, these are spicy oats!
Should’ve figured from the color.
While I was thinking, my mother stole the oats. She likes spicy food much more than I, so I did nothing to stop her. Suddenly, some of the fibers were in my mouth, being chewed. They tasted like fried grass, but delicious. Absolutely delicious.
Hay fries are generally well-liked by ponies.
And there are those different thoughts again, with their good points and...different...ness. It does seem they know what they’re talking about. Most of my doubt about the original owner being in this body was simply gone. The rest had quieted down to the point that I really didn’t notice it. One curiosity: who is this mystery consciousness in my head?
No answer from the mysterious thoughts. Of course they wouldn’t be obvious, because they wouldn’t be mysterious thoughts.
Around this time, our lunch was done. We reported our findings to the cashier, who wrote them down. We then wandered through the foliage in the park towards Taylor’s Tailors. When we got there, we finally bought the trenchcoat and I wore it. It was warmer than I expected. In October at high altitudes, that can save lives.
At this point, I needed a nap. Sudden revelations tend to do that. Luckily, there were a few errands for my mom to run, so I could sleep in the car. Disregarding the lack of pillows, I fell asleep quickly.
***
I was coming home from school when I saw my sister, Derpy, asleep under a Weeping Willow. Knowing something was wrong, I walked up to her and waited. Luckily, I didn’t wait long before she awoke.
“Something wrong, sis?” She looked like she had been crying for a few hours.
“This.. girl splashed my project in my.. face and called me a wall-eyed idiot!” She sounded like it, too. That chemistry project was her pride and joy; to ruin that and insult her eyes was a sure way to get her crying.
“...Don’t listen to her. You aren’t an idiot. Wall-eyed, yes, but an idiot, no.” It’s true. She is no idiot.
“T-thanks..”
“It’s true. Now c’mere and give me a hug.” I leaned over and hugged my unfortunately-named twin tightly.
“You are the best sister ever...”
“No, sis, from where I stand, you are.” It's true. How am I supposed to determine that I'm a better sister? I'm not my sister.
“Thanks sis! We should go home, where are we?” We were on the route home from Weather Patrol, but I don't know the exact location.
“I don’t know, but when I find out, I’d like to come back.”
“It’s.. so pretty!”
"Indeed it is, sis.”
“I wish mommy could see this!”
“So do I, Derpy.”
“Ditzy, we should come here again! It can be our secret!”
“And what a secret it is!”
“I wish we could spend more time here...”
“We can. We have days off at the same time next week.” Wednesday, to be exact.
“Fantastic!”
“So, we’re coming back here on Wednesday?”
“Yea! We could call it Wonderland Wednesday!”
“Yes, we could. This place is beautiful.”
“I know, we could have picnics!”
“I can see it now: Muffins figuring heavily!” We laughed at my joke, and continued chuckling on our walk home.
Whoa whoa whoa. I do not have a sister. I am not a sister. I am a male only child; I have never had any sisters. I would have probably done the same thing, though. Why am I being hugged?
“That would be me. You appear to have seen one of my memories.” The hugging force released, and a grey pegasus came into view. ”Hello, my name is Ditzy Doo. You may remember me from your mirror.”
“Why did you reference The Simpsons?” Her introduction, while answering the basic questions, raised many more.
“I like the line. Now, we must discuss our shared situation.” That’s probably a good idea. She does know the body, and I know the area. Besides, I may not know how to fly. She may do that. “You’re right. I handle our flight. Don’t want you to crash and resolve to never fly again, but it’s not like you have a choice...”
“What do you mean by that?” This could be something I don’t want to know, but if she says that, I’m one of those people who takes it as a challenge.
“Have you felt the compulsion yet?” I nodded. “Good. Well, not good, but I don’t have to explain that it exists. Some pegasi get a compulsion to fly when they’re on the ground for a long time.”
“Lemme guess. It’s more apparent when you’re bored.”
“Right.” At this point, I looked around the dreamscape. It looked familiar...like a place I’ve been...I know! It’s the Cincinnati Union Terminal! Wait, am I dead?
“No, you’re still alive. Or at least I am...”
“We’re in the same body!”
“Yeah, mine. Do you know what happened to yours?” I have to admit that I do not, to this day, know what happened to it. “Didn’t think so.”
“Remember, we’re in this together. If one of us loses, we both lose. And by the way, were you thinking earlier?” If so, that explains the...different...thoughts.
“That was me. Sorry if that freaked you out...”
“No problem. It is your head.” Wait, why is it the Union Terminal?
“It’s familiar to you and, if I may say, a majestic building.” Ditzy, would you stop doing that? “Doing what? Oh, you weren’t asking. It’s kind of hard distinguishing between your monologue and dialogue from in here.” You make a point.
“I can’t believe I haven't looked at your cutie mark yet!” I looked and it was...five hailstones. Hmmm, maybe she isn’t as much of a Derpy clone as I thought.
“How do you know about my sister?” Oh, that explains it. They’re twins! “Answer the question.” Should I be transparent, or protect her sanity? “I’d be transparent. I can probably handle it.” Oh yeah, she can hear my internal monologue.
“Okay. There’s this show, right? My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Your sister was a fan favorite who we knew nothing about. Our love for her was acknowledged by the show’s producers, who put her in more and more until an episode of Season 2.
“This was the first time anyone took offense to her. She was seen as a joke on the mentally disabled, and the episode where she spoke was redubbed and the video changed. Some fans saw this as an assault on the fanbase, and I don’t blame them. Most, including the mentally disabled, loved her. If you have to be told why you should be offended, they’re wrong. And by the way, how did you get your cutie mark?”
“It’s better to show you the memory.” Wait, can she do that? “It’s a dream. What can’t I do?” I’ll give you that...
***
I was in the willow previously mentioned on a normal Wednesday, wondering what was taking Derpy longer than usual. Finally she came and, in accordance with tradition, smacked her hoof on the willow.
“Who dares disturb the Wondrous Willow?” I boomed, giggling afterwards. I’ve always loved doing that.
“I dare disturb the Wondrous Willow!”
“So I see. Welcome, sister, on this Wondrous Wednesday.”
“Sis! I brought something for you!” She held out a small vial. She made another perfume! Awesome! She’s very good with fragrances.
“Knowing how well you do fragrances, this’ll have to smell good.”
“Oh Ditzy, you are so kind!”
“You’re great with fragrances, sis. There really is no denying it.”
“Thanks sis! I really hope you like this new perfume, I call it ‘Wonderland’!” I opened the bottle and sniffed. She really outdid herself on this one.
“Smelling it, I can see the name fits! It smells like this place looks!”
“Thank you! I tried my hardest to craft our adventures into a perfume!”
“You did great, sis.”
“I’m so glad you like it!”
“And I like it that you’re gla...” Her flank was...changing. “What’s happening to your flank?”
“Huh, what?” Apparently she got her cutie mark!
“You got your cutie mark! It’s...bubbles. That’s fitting for you, with your Chemistry and your personality.” She looked.
“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” My twin started hopping around me, squeeing.
“And man can you squee! It’s almost like your life was defined just now!”
“Oh that’s crazy talk!”
“It was! This is what many point to as the defining moment of their life!”
“Hey sis, maybe we should go home now, it’s starting to get dark.”
“Yeah, don’t want our parents to worry about us.”
“Yea, let’s go.” With that, we trotted off from the ‘Wondrous Willow’ for the adventure of getting home.
“Is that...a hail cloud?” I asked the obvious. Derpy has a strong nephophobia, strong enough that we can’t bring her anywhere near Cloudsdale.
“I-I think so...”
“Right over the quickest way home, too... I’ll move it, don’t worry. Meet you at home?”
“O-okay..”
“I’ll just be a second, sis.” I flew over to the cloud to get it out of the way. It was smaller than I thought, so I simply moved it over by where the Weather Patrol was working and went back to Derpy.. “Never mind. It was a small one.”
“Thanks sis..”
“No problem. Can’t have you being forced through hail.”
“That hail would have killed me..”
“But it couldn’t. I was here.”
“That’s why you are awesome!”
“Any pegasus could do that. Most ponies know very little about fragrances compared to you.”
“Thanks, but did you see how far you tossed that.. evil.. cloud?”
“Just over to the closest Weather Patrol member.
“Oh shush, you know that was awesome!”
“Not as awesome as that perfume earlier!”
“You are so sweet!”
“It’s true.”
“You are the best sister ever!”
“And from where I stand, you are.”
“Ditzy! Your flank!” I looked, then gasped. My cutie mark! On the same day as my sister got hers!
“EEEEE! Our cutie marks on the SAME DAY!”
“They match! I got seven bubbles you got five... bubbles?” They were...hailstones.
“They look like...hailstones.”
“Cool! That must mean you’re great with weather!” A normal talent, if there ever was one.
“And also that, as a team, nothing can stop us!” Unstoppable teamwork is rarer, but it happens to be an interpretation that I like.
“Woohoo! Best. Team. Ever!” We giggled.
“And that’s because you’re on it with me!”
“Eeyup!”
“Now let’s get home!”
“Hey sis?”
“Yeah?”
“Thanks for helping me with my Nephophobia.”
“No problem, sis. It’s something that you need help with, so I’m happy to do so.”
“You are the best sister a mare could ever have!”
“From where I stand, you are.” That was honest. She’s the best sister I’ve ever had.
***
“So that’s how Equestria was made.” I said that with a straight face, oddly enough. I generally grin when making an obvious joke. It’s a dream, I can do what I want.
“What...Oh, is that a Pinkie Pie quote?” She’s going through my memories? Oh, come on. “You are in my body.” True, true.
“By the way, your mom just started waking you up, just so you know.”
“Okay, guess we have to wake up.” I hugged Ditzy as we woke up.
***
My mom was shaking my shoulder or whatever the real term for it is. She looks surprised.
“You already know I’m a pony!” Unfortunately, it came out more like “Mff mffumfffmf!” You see, my mouth had something in it.
“How do you have a pillow in your mouth?” A pillow? Seriously? How did I, while asleep, open the car door, find a pillow, go back to the back seat, and stuff it into my mouth? Why didn’t I just use it like a pillow? I wanted one anyway...
Ditzy, did you have anything to do with this?
No, I wouldn’t have eaten it.
I depillowed my mouth, with great difficulty. This one was a big one. I couldn’t fit it back into my mouth, and trust me I tried. Whatever caused the pillows may be connected with the ponifications...
“The question remains, though. How did you get a pillow in your mouth?”
“Neither of us know.”
“Right. Wait, is there an alternate personality I don’t know of?”
“He’s MY alternate personality. My body, you know?” Ditzy spoke up. My mom looked at me (Her? Both?) like I was crazy. I probably am, but she’s probably not. I took the mouth back from her to make a point.
“The way it works is that I woke up in my bed and this body-” I was interrupted from within.
“And MY body now has him in it. Today, he did most of the talking.” I took the mouth back.
“I wasn’t aware of your consciousness until lunch, Ditzy. Of course I did most of the talking.” My mom’s snickering finally reached my ears. “And what are you laughing at?”
“I know you sometimes talk to yourself, but not to this extreme.”
“I’m not him. He’s not me.” Ditzy took the mouth. “And where are we, anyway?”
“Home.” Good, I hate shopping. And besides, I wanna play video games.
Should I ask what those are, or not?
No, I’ll show you.
Don’t bother, I can see your memories.
Oh yeah...Be careful in there.
Yeah, yeah...Oh my Celestia, who would do something like THAT!
What did you see, Ditzy? I hope she didn’t get into Halo...
They blew up the moon, Chris! Halo’s fine by me; they were doing what they had to. But they blew up the moon! Okay, it was Sonic Adventure 2. Weird, she’s more offended by the moon being blown up than genocide.
Above all, Ditzy, they were telling a story. Only in the story did they blow up the moon. And besides, in the game, which isn’t real, it was a warning shot. Would you rather he shot at the Earth, where all of the people are?
No...
Exactly. Now I’m gonna play it. By this time, we were all inside, and I was sitting in front of the TV, looking at my Dreamcast. Luckily, my copy of Sonic Adventure 2 was in the system. I don’t wanna break it. I pressed the power button and waited. When the start screen came up, Ditzy surprised me by pushing the requisite button. The controls were a struggle; we gave up on it after ten minutes trying to create a file. Oh well, gaming can wait.
At this time, I spontaneously decided to do something drastic. I went up to my room and grabbed a small bag. Inside of it was my laptop. The clock read 3:00. I then hovered downstairs and grabbed my phone and a USB cord for it.
“What are you doing?” I’m sorry, Mom, but I feel that this has to be done.
“Wait. I thought it was New York you ponies were going to.” Mom had a point.
“The press conference said nothing of anypony that isn’t an Element of Harmony, so I decided to not go there,” I said. I always preferred Boston anyway.
“How did you get from ‘Don’t have to go to New York’ to ‘Let’s go to Cincinnati!’?” Mom had a pensive look on her face.
“Because birds fly south in winter.” Ditzy butted in.
“Chris, stop with the inane jokes. This really isn’t the time.” It hit me: I am in the body of a silly pony.
“It wasn’t me this time, I swear.” I can handle silly ponies, though, for I am a silly human. Or was one, at any rate... Not the time for this, I have places to go. Self-imposed places, but still places.
“Sure, and I’m a zebra.” She snarked. I knew I got it somewhere.
“Don’t give him ideas!” Ditzy suddenly yelled. The antics going on in this body must be confusing to any observers.
“Sorry about that, it’s just that somepony can’t keep quiet. And besides, I would refrain from saying anything like that until Discord is gone.” Oh no. I sure hope he doesn’t work like that.
Even if he does, he probably doesn’t care about us.
“Well, we should get going. We don’t want to fly in the dark.” Ditzy said.
What’s wrong with the dark?
It’s hard to see in. Besides, LaRosa’s sounds good to me. For those who have never been to Cincinnati or Dayton, LaRosa’s is an excellent pizza restaurant. Not a sufficient reason to leave home possibly forever for, though.
Why are you going through my memories still?
It’s my body, I do what I want.
The memories aren’t yours, though. They’re mine. You can’t have them.
Try and stop me from waltzing around them.
“Yeah. Come back as soon as you can.” She scooped me up and just held me for five minutes, tears in her eyes. “And, please, come back.”
“I will if I can.” Then it hit me: She saw it as me leaving, possibly never to come back. “No, scratch that. I will be back. Mark my words: I will come back as soon as I can.” I hugged her. I’m well aware it’s impossible, but I don’t care at the moment.
“I will see you when you do.” She let me go.
“Don’t worry, I will see you again.” I flew away, tears in my eyes.
We have to do this. We would have anyway, at some point.
That really doesn’t make me feel any better.
I don’t know about this world, but in mine, almost everypony leaves home sometime.
I doubt that it’s that sudden, though. Here, it almost never is. In fact, most humans don’t turn into ponies and leave the same day.
Okay, okay. I get that this is sudden. I think, while I’m here, I should learn what exactly you ar- were. I directed our flight southwards on State Route 315, a convenient highway that leads to I-71. I-71, in turn, leads straight to Cincinnati.
I was a human. Humans are bipedal primates with a penchant for messing with things not meant to be messed with. Fortunately, ‘not meant to be messed with’ simply makes one overpowered if one messes with it.
What do you mean ‘overpowered’?
Do you see the road below us? She nodded our shared head. The machines on it are moving many times faster than any human can. I felt a ‘Wat.’ reaction from my headmate. Well, about three times, but Usain Bolt is hardly ordinary.
...So you make things in order to fill up inadequacies?
A pretty good way of putting it. Not a full way, but mostly accurate. We soared over Grove City, still over the highway. I like this new ‘flying’ thing. The pony controlling the flight was keeping up with the cars, which was odd because the stretch between Columbus and Cincinnati is full of speeders. How fast can y’all go, anyway?
This is the fastest I can go without pulling something.
I could’ve sworn that Rainbow Dash was at least ten times this speed, conservative estimate...No matter how much I wanna be Rainbow Dash, I’m not. I’m an average pegasus, discounting outliers like her.
From what you're saying, Rainbow must be off any conceivable scale...
Athletes....
Are athletes absurdly capable in...What exactly is Equestria? I simply wasn’t sure of what, exactly, it was. Is it a country, or a world?
A country. An extremely important one, but still a country. Oh. Of course. That would be why it was a ‘land.’ I can be such an idiot sometimes... No, just daft.
Oi! You calling me daft? I thought in my best English accent. Needless to say, it was a terrible one.
Yes, I am. I did so because you are.
Gee. Thanks for the vote of confidence. This sort of thing continued for about 40 minutes before we landed in the rest area about a third of the way to Cincinnati. I decided to notify my grandparents that I was coming down, so I grabbed my phone and started typing.
Ten minutes later (Hooves are not for typing. I had never been a fast typist anyway, either. Hooves make it even worse.) we looked over the message. It read “Coming to Cincinnati. Meet you at LaRosa’s. Bring Samantha.” Some typing speed, no? Samantha is my cousin; she likes the ponies as well. If all else fails, we can stay in her dorm room at UC. It even has free wifi! I have great priorities, don’t I?
Well, let’s get going. We’ve been grounded long enough. She lifts us off of the ground and continues south over the corn fields. The journey is mostly uneventful until the Little Miami Valley. I decide to have a look at the bridge. Ditzy, however, has other ideas, and kept high above the ground. The stubborn jerk that is me takes matters into my own hands (Probably hooves now, but it's my conciousness, I call ‘em what I want) and forces a dive.
WHAT THE BUCK ARE YOU DOING? Forcing a dive probably was a bad idea. The trees probably agreed with that, because a pony pulling seventy while crashing into them would be bad for them. At least, I think so. Luckily, at the last moment, she pulls up and stops in midair. Now, if you tell me what the hay you were thinking, I may one day forgive you for that little stunt of yours.
I wanted to see the bridge. Honesty is probably the best policy to deal with someone who is in your head and can easily find out what really happened... I’m sorry I almost killed both of us by being an idiot...
At least you admit it... You can’t keep doing stuff like that. We can’t die. Derpy may need us. Or at least me, seeing as how she’s my sister. Scorn was mostly absent from her voice. Funny, you’d think that she’d be a bit angrier that she nearly died of my stupidity. Oh well. We did, however, decide that we needed to recover from our brush with death. We settled in under one of the picnic table, and checked my phone. Two text messages.Both from my grandmother.
This can only end well...right? Receiving no answer from my cerebral roommate, I read the first one. It said ‘Monfort Heights good? See you soon!” Encouraged, I read the second.
Oh no. No, this can’t be happening... My grandparents have always been here for me. The thought that they hated me based on something I couldn’t control was devastating, to say the least. I started us nearly crying.
Chris. Pull yourself together. You can’t just sit here because you think they hate you. She paused. Wait until you know they hate you.
Some help you are... At this point, the unhelpful one dragged us out of under the table and set us in flight. The flight was uneventful, even while flying past Kings Island. It appeared that she was getting better at digging through relevant memories...
We eventually flew into Monfort Heights, a census-designated place along Cheviot and North Bend Roads, and landed outside of LaRosa’s. I hesitated in opening the door, because who wouldn’t? Ditzy, having other ideas, simply used the same leg to swing the glass-and-metal door so that we can enter. The whole ‘mental dichotomy’ thing could get annoying. However, it could be very useful in situations where one of us is indisposed. Perhaps out of nervousness...
Okay... The moment of truth... I wasn’t nervous about this. Not at all. I’ve never been nervous about anything ever, and I most definitely do not change the subject when I am. Did I tell you about the time I won a state gold in Science Olympiad? The odd feeling that’s DEFINITELY NOT NERVOUSNESS was abated suddenly when the hostess spoke up almost in wonder.
“A pony? I thought you guys were faked!”
“I thought so too, until I woke up as one this morning.” No points for guessing who said that. If I were you, I’d guess that it was not the one who lived in this body since she was born. “Anyway, I’ve got a group waiting for me.” She looked in her book, and must have seen them.
“Okay. If you’ll follow me...” She was apparently suddenly distracted by me. “You look... familiar...”
“Derpy’s sister.” Ditzy input this before I could say anything. The hostess was surprised, but trying to hide it. Fortunately, this happened very close to the table, so awkwardness was temporarily kept to a minimum.
I say that because it’s about to get really awkward, really fast. At least, if I am correct, which I hope I’m not. As I hovered to the table, I noticed a distinct lack of my cousin. And there were only three menus.
“Hi, grandma. Hi, grandpa. Where’s Samantha?” My grandma, on the outer seat of the booth, immediately reached out and hugged me and, therefore, Ditzy. Because of this, we became unable to fly, and therefore became too heavy to hold like she was.
What I’m saying was, we fell onto the floor.
“Are you okay, Chris?” Grandma looked almost as guilty as if she’d dropped her grandson. I suppose there’s a good reason for that, considering she just did.
“I’ve had worse. You don’t learn to fly without a few crashes,” Ditzy pointed out. Sifting through her memories showed this to be very much the case.
Now look who’s sifting through whose memories...Not like I can complain.
“It’s true. She’s had much worse.” When I said this, by grandparents looked at me like I was a madman claiming to be their grandson. “I guess I should explain...”
“That would be best.” My grandpa is the quieter one, so when he says something, he means it. So I did explain, starting with waking up and ending with arriving at the table. Some parts had them surprised. Others, like me liking to fly, less so. At this point, the waiter came and asked what I would like to drink. I decided on a lime Fanta.
The normal things that happen when I visit my grandparents happened, but with a spare personality in at least one of us. After a few minutes, the waiter came back. He had no Fanta. Do you want to know what he had?
A giant grin, a camera, and a juicebox. I took the juicebox, did the obligatory pose, and then glared at him. Meanwhile, he was taking pictures. I wanted fancy Fanta drinks, not a juicebox!
“I apologize for my actions, but you have to admit it was pretty funny.”
“As long as I get the picture, I’ll be fine.” Ditzy apparently knows the juicebox thing. Makes sense, I do remember it...
As soon as the waiter left the memory card of the camera, my grandma finally spoke up. “What was that about?”
“Bronies have certain...trends when they draw. Like socks.” I knew a lot about the subject, so I might as well talk about it while taking out my laptop. “Another is juice boxes. That’s what just happened: someone found a way to put his own spin on something that’s been going around the internet for a long time.” I popped the card into my laptop: a Thinkpad named Santorini (All of my computers are named after volcanoes if I can help it.). I copied the picture and removed the card. “Of course, now that he has a picture of a real pony drinking from a juicebox, it’ll catch like a wildfire.”
“...I’m guessing you’re a part of this community?” Grandpa was always very good at reading me. I guess it’s all of the time we’ve spent together when I was little. That’ll make you able to read anyone.
“...Yes.” I saw no point in lying. Besides, this body is probably proof of that. Besides, they raised my mom, who likes the idea of bronies because we prove that the only criterion to watch a show is quality. Well, that’s not fully true; Firefly was canceled too fast.
“Okay. You did seem to know a lot about them.” At this point, the waiter comes back to take the orders and get his camera memory card back. I decided on a pineapple and green pepper calzone, and they ordered a sausage-pineapple pizza to share.
After the waiter left, we discussed what was going on with the pony thing. We came to a consensus fairly fast: People were turning into ponies and it’s probably Discord’s fault somehow. I contributed most of this, seeing as I know most about the possibilities. The waiter, in his awesome sense of timing, comes with the food. The calzone was delicious, and I finished it long before they did their pizza. Of course, this raised a question.
What happens when a pony eats meat? Ditzy’s reaction to this was physical to the point where I fell over.
NO! Just... No. She hasn’t seen this from experience; that much I can tell.
“Are you okay, Chris?” Grandma looked to where I fell, specifically under the table. I picked Ditzy and myself (I’ll never get used to this...) up off the floor, and she sat us up.
“Alternate personality troubles. Nothing to worry about.” Ditzy saying this earned a look as if I had been changed from a pony into a ten-foot-tall green cocker spaniel.
Did I tell them about the fact that you’re here?
Nope. You forgot. Gah, that mare’s so infuriating...
Why didn’t you say so?
I kiiinda forgot too...
Okay, that happens.
“Okay. This body came with its original personality.” I carefully omitted her name. We can’t have my grandparents needlessly worried, can we? Their needed worrying is all that I can bear causing. In fact, looking back, how did I miss it? Why is my brain so odd!?
“Oh, that explains it...” Oh yeah, I let my inner pony talk a lot while explaining. I dislike explaining things, so pawning it off was my prefered option.
“By the way,whatever happened to Samantha?” I finally realized that they hadn’t answered that.
“She had class.” Of course.
Don’t worry, we can check on her. She’s pretty cool.
Realizing we were done with our food, and had an awesome cousin to visit, we decided we should be on our way. “Well, we’d better be off.” Grandma pulled us into a tight hug. Luckily, I was on a table this time.
“You be safe out there. This Discord person...if he is one...doesn’t sound like the kind you want to hang around with.” We shared a laugh; she never talked like this. “Be safe out there. I want to see you when you come back.” Some things appear to run in the family.
As night descended on the city, I finally exited LaRosa’s and ascended to cruising altitude, spiraling towards Uptown. After all, that is towards campus.
As I flew towards campus, a thought occured: I hadn’t checked my phone. I landed us on the top of a building downtown in order to do so, and checked on said phone. There was a message from ten minutes ago, from Samantha! It said ‘Meet you at the UC Bookstore. Is there something you wanted to tell me?’ Seeing this, I put the phone into a handy coat pocket (I love that coat) and we took off.
A little later, on UC campus, we entered the building with the bookstore and immediately saw a familiar head of brown hair. Samantha wasn’t in the actual bookstore, but was easily in view of both entrances. Naturally, I flew over and hugged her.
“Hey Chris, why did you become a pony?” I joined Ditzy in confusion, and started to open my mouth when Sam continued in mock disapproval. “I was just getting used to you being taller than me, and you go and turn into a pony!”
Has she always done this?
Yes, yes she has. Whatever happened to the memory-sifting?
Meh, I just didn’t care to this time. She seemed a bit uneasy on the matter.
“I didn’t choose this.” I pointed out the obvious. “Blame Discord. That’s my view on it.” I moved to her lap, almost catlike, and she decided to see if wings were really as personal as they say. They are.
“Oi! No touching!” Ditzy reacted as she saw fit. Unfortunately, going under the bench was what was seen as fit.
“...What was that all about?” My cousin looked to my unwilling hiding place. I forced us to look back. “I guess they are that personal...”
She meant no harm by it, Ditzy. You can take us out now. She whimpered with the communal mouth.
Okay, okay... She exited our cover, and we found ourselves hugged. Naturally, I hugged back. Samantha is my cousin, after all. During this hug, our body tiredly yawned.
“I bet you’re tired. What say we go to my dorm?” I simply nodded tiredly; apparently Ditzy suddenly wanted sleep.
What say you to sleep?
Yeah, sleep sounds good. We only got one nap today.
And how many is normal?
Depends. Generally a few.
Depends on...what exactly? She ignored the question completely, instead preferring to snuggle up to Samantha. I can only imagine her reaction, but her heart rate seemed to jump.
I bet she never thought she would experience pegasus cuddles...
***
After the weirdest dream I remember ever having, (Dancing potatoes singing Further (Don’t ask.)) Ditzy and I met again in the deep train-station-turned-museum in my mind.
“So, welcome to Earth.” I was mentally grinning, ‘cause I’ve always wanted to do that. “How was your first day this side?” This earned me a glare.
“Some idiot almost killed me. You should remember it; you were there.” Her glare lightens a bit. “Otherwise, it’s been mostly fine. Food’s good, and the people I’ve met seem fine.”
“Dare I ask why you say ‘the people I’ve met?’” This did not bode well.
“I found your history.” Oh. As the only remedy for suddenly learning the history of the human race is hugs, I made absolutely sure she got as many as she needs.
***
After an indeterminate time explaining human history, and that there is good to balance the bad, as well as some hugs to ease the whole thing, we were awoken by being shaken. Looking out the window, it was... late morning or so.
“My leg is not for eating!” Turns out that the pillow-eating isn’t a one-time thing, or limited, so long as it is used to put one’s head on. Unfortunately, in this case, my cousin’s leg is the chosen thing to nom on. The reaction from me was quick and decisive in getting my mouth away from Samantha’s leg and letting out a somewhat dismayed chuckle.
“I blame Ditzy for that.” After getting screamed at by my inner pony, I explained. “I didn’t eat pillows in my sleep before somepony came along.” She appeared to think I was joking. I must say I don’t blame her.
I didn’t either! Huh.
“Apparently, she didn’t either. Well, where it makes sense to, blame Discord!” I grinned at my paradoxical statement as I hopped down to use Santorini. I strapped a pencil onto our hoof, connected to the wifi, signed up a Facebook account, and checked my sister’s Youtube video for more comments.
As long as I’m in this body, she’s my sister too.
Fair enough. I get your mother, though! Giggles ensued from her side of the mind.
Hey! You share my mother! The giggles proved themselves contagious.
“You okay down there?” Apparently, said laughter can break mental quarantine and be unleashed into the world. In other words, Ditzy and I were laughing on the floor for no apparent reason, like a silly filly.
Who says we aren’t?
“Yeah, just fine. Ditzy and I just argued hilariously.” Seeing her confused look, I decided to explain. “You see-”
“Hi. I’m Ditzy Doo. Your cousin woke up yesterday inside of me, and I can’t kick him out. Admittedly, I wouldn’t if I could.” She held her hoof out to shake. “Nice to meet you.” Presented with the hoof of the pony/cousin that had just tried to eat her leg, she did the only logical thing.
One crushing hug and one apology later, I was searching the comments of Derpy’s video for other ponies. One caught my eye. It read ‘Hey, my name is Shane and I know how you feel, I just woke up as The Master from Doctor Who, but as a pony, I’d love to meet up with you to go to New York, just let me know if there’s anyway I can do to help you, remember, there is always safety in numbers.’
Oh god, him... But he’d be a good friend to have... Thoughts, Ditzy?
Sure. I see no reason why not. Probably placing a little too much trust in this Shane person, I replied with ‘Could I (Ditzy) get a ride there too? I live in Ohio, but can go a ways. The more, the merrier!’ That should be good enough.
“Well, I’ve gotta go to class. See you when next we meet!” She ruffled our mane affectionately, earning a giggle for her trouble. As she left, I started looking for more news to no success. After a short time listening to an old favorite of mine, which Ditzy did not seem to mind, the stomach rumbled.
You hungry too?
...Yeah, of course I am. We share a stomach.
Moving on... do you know any good food around here? As it turns out, my mom went to college at UC, and so I know a very good Greek place.
Just let me get there. I packed up Santorini, left a note saying that I was off to meet up with another pony far to the south (Taking care to omit that said pony was a likely-crazy Time Lord), and started walking to the south of campus. Rather quickly, we tired of walking and flew, clothing billowing in the wind.
We soon walked into Myra’s Dionysus, ordered up a nice bowl of Gypsy Soup, ate said absolute deliciousness, paid, and left to do something I had always wanted to do. I stepped into a store, bought one flower, and flew down the hill.
When I reached the freeway at the bottom, I set the flower on the ground in front of the sealed portal mournfully, visibly downcast. Ditzy appeared not to want to interfere with this moment, because she hadn’t said or done anything.
“Goodbye, Cincinnati Subway. If only they hadn’t killed you all those years ago...” After this, by unspoken agreement, we took wing towards Kentucky.
It took only to Florence (Y’all) for me to realize that neither of us has any idea where we were going, and so I landed us on the roof of a McDonald’s and booted up Santorini. Connecting to the free wifi, YouTube notified me of a reply! That...was fairly quick, but I’ll take what I can get. It read ‘I’ve set up a meet up with Derpy and Octavia, We’re going to meet in Tennessee. I’ll be using a signal to let you all know where I am, hope you see it, being a Pegasus should help.’
That narrows it down plenty...
Tennessee can’t be that big. Right?
Wrong. It’s 160 miles across on the narrow direction. However, him coming from Georgia helps...
Wait, he’s meeting Derpy! Let’s get going!
We still have no idea where he is... or will be...
Don’t worry, we’ll find him! Now, to Adventure! Yes, she thought that word capitalized. No, I have no idea how. Without me realizing, she had shut off Santorini and taken to the air once more.
***
Three or so hours later, after flying over about a hundred miles of forest, (Somepony lost the Interstate...)we came upon a small town in the forest. Looking at it, it really wasn’t that small, but not very big either. Flying down the main street towards the center of town, some places stuck out, mainly the Office of Scientific and Technical Information and the Social Security Administration buildings.
I feel like I should know this town... But I’ve never been here...
Strange... Ditzy took control of the head and looked at the nearest street sign.
Its street was Lafayette Drive. Looking to the other one on the pole, it was Oak Ridge Parkway.
Oak Ridge... You might want to land. Now.
Why? She thankfully did anyway, because I wouldn’t want my reaction to pull us down from the air. My reaction was fairly embarrassing at best.
A good twenty times saying “Oh my god I’m in Oak Ridge” later, we came to the joint decision that a spot of food would not go amiss. Luckily, there was a Panera nearby.
Floating over to it, Ditzy asked a question. What’s so significant about Oak Ridge? We ordered a blueberry muffin, which I balanced on our head when the person behind the counter gave it to us.
It’s where the Manhattan Project was based. I felt a sadness on the other side, which I met with mental hugs. It’s also where a whole bunch of science is located. Ditzy seemed a bit happier with mindhugs, and I used some of that science to connect to the internet and check Facebook.
Nothing had happened.
Why was I expecting something to happen?
I don't know... anything around here you want to do? Anything she could do could not stop the grin.
A bit of background: Oak Ridge has the American Museum of Science and Energy. I like science and museums, especially when they're combined. Ditzy knows this now. I'm still not quite sure how she missed it...
***
After a fun few hours in the museum, Ditzy and I checked into a hotel and had an uneventful night's sleep. After, we went to a Subway, got a vegetarian sub, ate it, and hung out for a few hours, talking to people and obliging the occasional little kid who wanted a pony hug. After a few hours of this, a Facebook message popped up.
It said: 'The Master's looking for a grey Pegasus mare in a Golden Corral near Nashville. Might you be her?'
Oh crap! Nashville! We have to go now!
Is it far?
About 150 miles, and we don't want to leave him waiting...
Okay. We will make it there. We will walk outside and fly fast. Very fast.
"Sorry, people, but I have to go. Hope to see you again!"
To the collective disappointment of the Subway in Oak Ridge, Tennessee, I walked out and took to the sky.
***
About an hour later and panting, wings hurting a lot, we settled on the roof of a Golden Corral. That’s when I heard it: the noise that makes you bleed. Immediately, much to Ditzy’s protest, I sat down, curled up, and cried me a River. A few minutes later, I heard a voice.
“Excuse me,” I heard. “Who are you?” I vaguely recognized the voice. It had a slight English accent. It kind of sounded like the type to wear a gas mask because of the gas.
I don’t think he’s talking to us...
Even if he’s not, might as well hop down and say hi... Instead, I continued the reference.
“Two by two, hands of blue.”.Firefly references don’t get handed to you, ya know. And besides, if they really are here... Yes, I realize that was a bad idea.
“I’m sorry, what are you talking about?” A sound like a pony using a ladder was heard, followed by a crunching sound. I looked up at the source of said noise to find a blue stallion in a bow tie.
“Sorry about that, just making a reference.” I’ll be first to admit that it was a bad idea.
“You look scared, are you alright?”
“Mostly. I thought Discord brought in my least favorite element of Firefly.”
“Firefly...” He thought for a second, his coat making me glad for mine. “Oh, the television show, I remember that, but the idea escapes me, what exactly are you afraid of?”
“The noise that makes you bleed.”
Yikes. That’s just scary any way you think about it.
I know. That’s why it’s my least favorite part of the show.
“I thought I heard it.” After our quick consensus, that was all I could say.
“Oh...” He looked a bit... I don’t quite know. “that...”
“Is everyone okay!?”
“For the most part, yes.” He pointed to the left side of his face, where a decent gash resided. “Only myself and my attacker were harmed.”
“Lemme guess. Your attacker had blue gloves on.”
“Actually...” A pause. Uh-oh. “The sound was from me.” I subtly looked down and surprise, surprise, his hooves were blue. “The man had a butterfly knife, and those things are bloody sharp.” Then I pieced it together.
“Would you happen to be The Master?”
“Yes, but please, just call me Shane.”
Oh, another split one!
“And that would make you either Derpy or Ditzy, correct?”
Bear with me on this...
With what?
I’m proving we’re split.
“Yes. I’m Ditzy, with Chris riding in the back.”
I am not!... Oh, that’s how you were proving it. Well, I might as well play along...
“Hey! I am not riding in the back!” The timepony looked me over.
“Oh, well that’s interesting... You have conflicting control?”
“We generally agree. Definitely conflict some of the time, though.”
“Huh, well, would you like to go inside? It’s pretty cold out here.”
“It is, isn’t it?”
Did you notice?
Pegasi generally don’t.
“Well, cold resistance and coats help mask that...”
“Lucky you, all I got is this bowtie that’s bigger on the inside.”
Time lord all the way...
“Do you have any idea how hard it is to sit still while they measure your wings? It was hard enough to do so without the fact that they’re highly personal.” Ditzy apparently does not like being measured. I can’t say I blame her.
“Well, I don’t know about the wing part, but getting my suit made for the elect-” Oh, right, he’s been turned into The Master. As in, the former Prime Minister.
“Did you have a compulsion to fly around?” Ditzy really dislikes being measured.
“Well, I’ve always wanted to, but that’s about it.”
“I’m talking a literal compulsion.” Ditzy decided to hop off the roof, flaring our wings to break the fall.
That was fun!
Shane looked over the side, apparently happy for my continued existence, and came down the ladder. “So, you need to fly?”
“It feels like it sometimes.”
“Well I suggest you come inside, at least get something to eat, you must be famished.”
“Food does sound good. I haven’t had any real food since Myra’s.”
NO, MUFFINS DO NOT COUNT.
I wasn’t gonna...
“Myra’s? I don’t believe I’m familiar with that establishment.” Oh, right, he’s never been to Ohio.
“It’s a tiny little restaurant right beside the main campus of the University of Cincinnati. It’s got great food.”
“Well that’s a bit away, why don’t I treat you to an early dinner, since you flew all the way here?” He held the door for me. “Oh, and before I forget, there might be fans waiting for us, well me more so.”
“Can’t be The Master without a fanclub...” I grumbled.
“Please don’t.” His tone was somber. “I very well may have made children cry from the scuffle I was in, I don’t want to hurt anyone, and I certainly don’t want them to worry.”
“What exactly happened in there?”
“Someone from a group with a uniform of PAPA on their clothes, said something about a ‘Mr.Silence’ before he lunged at me with a knife and I nearly killed him.”
“PAPA? Can’t say I've heard of them...” I had to actively resist inserting a Silence joke.
“Most likely an abbreviation.” He kept quiet as we entered. It was a little less crowded than I would expect. Seeing us, a manager approached.
“Welcome back, sir,” he said, in a rather friendly tone. “And who is your friend?”
“I’m Chris, inside of Ditzy.”
Hehehe, sweet revenge...
“Hey, I’m in me too!”
“I see...” The manager didn’t quite appear to know what to say. “And would you care for a table?”
“Sure, I could really go for some food.” It was true. Muffins don’t really hold off hunger for 150 miles.
“Right, that’ll be $23.99 for the group.”
I started to dig some money out of my coat pockets, generally succeeding.
I really should organize this... eh, later.
“I told you, I’ll pay.” He said so while paying.
“Oh, okay. I must’ve lost it in the gap.”
“Don’t worry about it.” With that, we claimed a table and a human, probably Shane’s brother, walked up and started whispering to him.
“Really?” Shane’s brother said, no longer whispering. “What, like her sister or something?”
“Yep, twins.” We can both fill in the blanks when need be, so we both knew who he was talking about.
“Huh...” With that truly eloquent comment, he left to get food.
“So... What’s up with him?”
“He’s not a fan of the show, he just knows some stuff because he’s around me a lot.” While he was saying this, he grabbed himself a slice of pepperoni pizza.
“Wait, are you sure you can...Oh, what am I saying, of course you can eat meat...”
“Oh, I’m sorry, is that offensive?” He got ready to put the slice back.
“No, it isn’t. I rather liked meats before this happened." I gestured to the head before mentally ducking to avoid an offended Ditzy.
"Wait, you liked eating THAT?”
Yes. Humans eat meat. Some, including my mom, don’t for various reasons.
“My apologies.” He put the pizza back in favor of a slice of veggie. “Being biologically different makes it a bit difficult to fit in, even among ponies.”
“You don’t have to change what you’re eating for one half of me...” Said identity grumbled.
“No, I don’t want you to feel awkward, just forget about it.”
“Okay then...” With that, I got my own pizza (Pineapple) and some melon..
A bit later and at the table, The Master/Shane had buttered bread rolls to go with his pizza and his brother had popcorn shrimp and chicken breast.
“So,” his brother broke the ice, “are you traveling with us?”
“I guess I am.” We shrugged. I did finally get Ditzy to calm down a peg while walking back with food. “It beats flying alone.”
“And that’s the one thing I’m jealous about. Some of you can fly now, others can do magic, hell, he’s a freaking Time Lord.” He gestured to...well, who do you think?
“And we have to relearn walking, not to mention learning to fly and do magic. Besides, many of us are genderbent as ponies.”
“Really?” he asked, “I didn’t know that, who are you talking about?”
“Me, for example. Do you know any girls who call themselves ‘Chris’?”
“I know a girl named Christine, she goes by Chris.” he replied.
“Any others?”
“No,” he replied, eating a piece of shrimp, “not like I try and find them though.”
“Don’t be jealous, except for him. He’s a Time Lord.” Ditzy thankfully stopped me from ending that with ‘Time Lords are cool!’
This voice that Shane used was... different. It sounded like it had seen the whole universe and, in fact, been the scourge of it. “Being a Time Lord’s not all it’s cracked up to be though, imagine being as old as an entire species and having to watch it die...”
“Yikes, I hadn’t thought of that...”
Shane went back to the voice I knew. “Being a Time Lord is both a curse and a blessing, I guess, every ride has it’s ups and downs, my ride’s just a bit longer.”
“The blessing is that you’re overpowered?” That one, I could not resist.
“The blessing is that I get to see civilizations prosper, and help in whatever way I can.” Luckily, he ignored that. He sounds rather unlike The Master, though..
Must be Shane talking.
Point...
“That’s quite the blessing.”
“Yeah, I guess it is...”
***
Later, after dinner, we all piled into the car. Shane drove, his brother sat in the passenger seat, and Ditzy and I slept. Or, at least, we tried to.
After a few hours trying to sleep, I sighed in frustration. “Why can’t I sleep!?” Hearing this, Shane slowed the car.
“You’re having trouble sleeping?”
What do you think?!
Calm down, Ditzy. I’ll handle this.
“Yes.” It was a bit more blunt than I expected, but it got the job done. As Ditzy began to sit us up, I noticed something on both sides. “It’s odd; I had no trouble sleeping before...”
“I don’t really blame you, I wouldn’t want to sleep knowing I’m with a previously psychotic alien.” I can only guess that the flinch was due to said likely-insane Gallifreyan giving him a mental yelling-at.
“Yeah, that would explain it.” The music from Shane’s brother’s headphones was starting to get annoying, so I got Santorini out to distract us. I was about to start to fail at Solitaire when The Master glanced back.
“What are you doing?”
“Trying to figure out what to do. It’s most likely going to be Solitaire.” His pause was a bit unsettling, knowing who it was pausing.
“I might be able to make that a bit less boring.”
Good, ‘cause Solitaire is kinda boring.
Then why do you play it?
Because I’m even more bored when I start.
“Oh? How so? Does it involve the laser screwdriver?” For those unfamiliar, the laser screwdriver is one of The Master’s most overpowered tools. I think it even does wood...
No, that’s completely ridiculous.
“Kinda, I mean, if the Doctor can give a cell phone crystal clear reception to the year 2006 from the end of the Earth, I think I can give you global internet access.” Me being pretty much one with the internet (hooves notwithstanding), the grin on our face was perhaps visible from space.
“That sounds awesome!”
“Yeah, let me just...” He fumbled unsuccessfully in his collar.
I’ll never get used to that...
Neither will I. It’d be handy, though...
“I need to pull over for a sec.”
“I’m fine with that.” My grin probably showed through, despite our combined efforts to hide it as we pulled onto the grass and exited the car. The grass felt quite good on our hooves, I must say.
“Alright, let me get a look at that laptop.” While he said this, he got his shiny OP laser pointer out and I got my kinda-heavy laptop out.
Couldn’t you have brought a lighter one?
The lighter ones aren’t mine to take on an adventure.
“Careful with it, it’s a bit heavy.” I handed (I’ve been a human sixteen years, I don’t have to use ‘hoofed over’ just yet) Santorini to Shane.
“Heavy, really?”
I’d say so, being one of its many reputations. He set it down on the grass, presumably so he could work on it better.
“Maybe for your pegasus frame, but for me? It’s a bit heavier than a Toshiba, I’ll give it that.” Ignoring Ditzy’s slight offense at this, I watched as he started, for whatever reason, to trace the screen.
“What do you want with the screen?” I pointed to where the modem was. “The modem’s here.”
“Yes, it is, but I need to connect certain frequencies throughout the whole thing.” For whatever reason, I didn’t expect technobabble. “Basically, I’m making the whole thing a receiver.”
Completely impossible?
Yep.
Remind me to go to Milliway’s for breakfast if he does four more things tonight.
...Hey! Memories!
I’ll try to leave them alone. I internally sighed in relief. Not really, but still.
Grr... Oh, I suppose we’d better address the outside world.
“Ya know what? I’ll just chalk it up to you being a Time Lord.”
“That, and technological advances, the likes of which you’ll never see.” As he begun to put away said non-invisible technological advances, I tried to get a closer look.
“I’m looking at them right now.”
Thank you, Captain Obvious.
It’s Commodore now. I was promoted!
“Well, this is only a bit of what I could have. The rest is on the TARDIS, wherever it is...”
“Could I have a look at the screwdriver?” He seemed to be pondering for a moment what to do with it.
“I guess? I mean, it’s not like you could hurt someone with it, unless you threw it at them.”
Ah, yes, isomorphic controls... Luckily, we don’t have those yet.
Isomorphic controls? I was genuinely surprised she hadn’t come across it yet.
Might have gotten the name wrong, but it’s locking everyone but a specific being from using something.
Oh. Okay then.
“I know. I can’t even drive screws with it.” With that questionable reassurance, he hoofed over the useless (to me) screwdriver.
“Alright, just make sure to give it back then you’re done, I’ve only got one of those, you know.”
“I will.” As we looked over the shiny metal, I giggled like a schoolfilly. I’m not sure who started it, but artifacts of high power seem to induce this sort of thing.
“Well, I’m going to take a short nap, kinda helps numb the gash.” Oh yeah, he was in a fight.
Hope he feels better...
He’s a Time Lord. He’ll be better.
“Be back soon!” As we lifted off to the clouds, Shane grabbed my laptop and got into the car. Ditzy selected a fairly high cloud, probably for the view, which, suffice it to say, did not disappoint. After a few minutes, I put the screwdriver down to look at the view.
Chris, do you know what happens when you put something down on a cloud? Generally speaking, of course.
Yeah, it falls through.
And what did you just now do?
...OH CRAP! With this, I jumped off the cloud to try and catch it. I got very, very close, but... it hit the ground.
“Nooooooo!” Shane hopped out to the scene of my humiliation, his brother apparently almost woken up by the scene. Then he asked the dreaded question.
“What happened!?”
“I dropped it!” I left out the part where I, a pegasus, put something down on a cloud.
“Oh, thank god. I thought you were hurt.” Oh, I suppose that’d trump any screwdriver... “It’s still mostly intact.”
“How? I dropped it from the clouds!”
“It only broke severally from an explosion from a gap in time-space, you honestly think a little fall would smash it?” While little does not describe the fall, I let him go on as he checked the screwdriver to see how well it works. “Well, that’s not supposed to happen.”
Yeah, fading in and out is generally very bad.
“Seems a couple of the lens broke...” Uh-oh. “Well, it seems it’s about as useful as a sonic, probably less.” Yeah, that’s really bad.
“Sorry...”
Wait a second, shouldn’t it be completely useless with broken lenses?
We’re just lucky.
“Hey, honest mistake, don’t sweat it.” The both of us relaxed noticably as Shane put the not-quite-bricked screwdriver in his collar. “Just remember next time that just because you can stand on clouds, doesn’t mean everything can.”
How’d he know?!
Lucky guess.
“Well, back to trav-” His frustration was evident at this point. “Oh well this is just bloody fantastic...”
“Oh, now what?” I was dreading the answer.
“I can’t drive now...”
Oh hell.
“Oh.”
We get to awaken his brother, though. With this, a grin crossed my face.
“And what’s got you so happy?” With this, I pulled my laptop.
“Name a style of music. I’m waking up your brother.” I started to prepare to blast something or other.
“Alright... classical dubstep.” Being both unfamiliar with any songs of that genre and unwilling to subject anyone to it, I tried to redirect.
“I was thinking something on the heavy end of Futurepop, but I can work with that.” Hey, it’s my favorite music and it tends to be loud, so why not?
“I’m... not familiar with the genre...”
You and the rest of the country, I swear...
“Noone much is.”
So we’re waking him up in the most hilarious manner possible?
Buck yeah we are.
Thought so.
“I have an idea.”
“Alright, let me guess, you’re going to change his music to startle him awake.” To this, we just grinned. He very quickly got the idea.
“Go for it.” That left just one question.
“Should I be nice?” As well as its requisite answer: “Of course not.” At the same time, Shane snuck the headphone jack to me, nodding. I took it, muted the computer so it wouldn’t ruin the prank, plugged the jack in, and set the volume to about a quarter. Don’t want to damage his ears...
“Any requests, or just go for ‘loud with lots of drum?’” He flinched at the ‘drum’ part of that.
Should have figured...
“How about something that starts nice and quiet, then explodes with sound?”
“Hmm... Doable. I think I’ve got one...”
Epicentre?
Epicentre.
“Yeah, Epicentre will do nicely...” To this he nodded. Luckily I can suppress laughter somewhat well, because I had to while starting the song.
Any second now...
When the bass drum hit, Shane’s brother leapt awake with a slight scream.
“Gah, what the hell?” With this, I broke into completely improper laughter. Shane was laughing too, but not nearly as much as much as his brother stepped out of the car.
“Seriously, that’s how you wake me up?” He groans a groan of sleep deprivation. “What do you want, anyway?”
“I kind of broke his laser. That means he can’t drive, and I never got a licence.” Or ever drove outside of university parking lots on one day. Oops.
“And, what do you want me to do, I can’t drive either.”
”Which is why I’m going to have to teach you.”
I’m going to stay out of this.
Probably for the best.
“...You can’t be serious.”
”Oh, I am, it’s either that, or we walk, your choice.” I was about to speak up about not wanting to fly for another whole day, but wisely kept it to myself.
“Fine... but if we crash, you’re paying for medical bills and repairs.”
“Understood, now get in the driver’s seat, this might take a while.”
***
I’m not really sure when we fell asleep, but we did and woke up in the middle of the night for unknown reasons.
“That easy, huh?”
“Where are we?” A perfectly reasonable question, given my nap.
”Side of the road, few dozen miles from where we started.”
Only a few dozen miles?
He was learning to drive.
Point...
“Shane just gave me the psychic paper for a fake ID.” He proceeded to show it off.
“Could I see that?” Shane’s brother started to hand it to me, but Shane stopped him.
“Please do be careful with this, we kinda need it at this point.” He looked at me like I was going to drop it from a cloud or something... Oops.
“Sorry about the screwdriver...”
“It’s fine, I just don’t want our last resort to fail, alright?”
“Yeah, probably a good idea.” At this point, Shane’s brother gave me the paper.
“Like he told me, just want it to appear.” As I took the paper, I considered giving a snarky answer along the lines of ‘I see a certificate that explains that I do, in fact, watch Doctor Who and know how psychic paper works,’ but I decided not to try that.
“Huh, plans for a national high speed rail system.”
After all, this country needs better railroads...
I see something different.
What is it?
“No, a news article reporting on the fact that Derpy’s fine...”
”Interesting...” Admittedly, I’d say that the psychic paper is more interesting, but half of him’s had it for a long long time.
“Two minds, you know.”
“Yes, it seems the paper is picking up both brainwave patterns and is simultaneously showing each. Hmm...”
”Shane, stop, you’re going science-y.”
“I like science.” It’s my favorite subject in school, and my best, so I’m allowed to like it.
“Yeah, but yours isn’t being influenced by an insane timelord horse.” At this point, I just stated the obvious.
“Insanity is a major part of the Time Lord experience.” Seriously, name a Time Lord that isn’t insane.
“Right...” He rolled his eyes “What’s why the Doctor is hell bent on destroying the universe, right?”
“Insanity can be harmless! Tell me about how Eleven is perfectly and completely sane!” I left out the Time Lord Victorious incident; it would have proved my point even better.
“Right, if we could get off the topic of insanity, I think we have somewhere to be?” Shane seemed eager to get off the topic.
“Right...” Shane’s brother started driving. He’d obviously just learned, but was driving better than I ever did.
“Oh yeah, the meeting.” I fired up my computer and noticed something odd.
It’s fully charged! Funny, that...
Should it be?
No.
“How is Santorini not dead?”
”Oh, that? I gave it a quick charge when I added the wifi, just a little fix-up.”
“That, right there, is quite handy. A laptop with decent internet everywhere and a full battery.” The only thing better is if it charged itself!
That would be completely ridiculous though.
“Well, couldn’t let that kind of tech go to waste, laser screwdriver and all.”
And unfortunately, we went and ruined it...
Not your fault, Chris...
”Whoa, what?” Shane’s brother looked between us. “You gave her an ultimate connection and didn’t tell me?”
“Sorry about that-”
We need something to call him...
“I never did get your name.”
“It’s Tyler, Tyler Denton, and-”
Oh, so that’s his name...
“Why didn’t you hook me up with a phone that could do that? What, am I not pony enough for you?” His embarrassment at this question was apparent. “Great, I just used pony as an adjective...”
“I’ve used pony as a verb before.” Ditzy slipped in, “God, I have no life...”
Wait a second, how do you know? She most certainly wasn’t expecting that response.
”At this point, it really doesn’t matter.” Shane, at that point, looked to Tyler as if to start off the adventure. “Now, onward dear driver, to Kansas.”
