Luna always wanted a pet, one that would be smart enough to really how her and care about her. So when shit goes bad and I end up in Equestria...
One day, Princess Luna wanted a pet, so she accidentally summoned a human. Everything then turned to chaos instead and the structure of the story fell to pieces causing them human to fall into insanity and switch universes. I still have no idea what's going on.
I have never been so bored in my life. Why won't something happen? Sure everyone is going back to work and most people are working on good things in good time, but why must time be so damn cocky about its figure? I know it rules all of existence, so does everyone else, so why must it shove its big fat, glorious, all consuming ass in my face?
My music is getting overused and my brain is all but dead from countless attempts to entertain it-self. What's next, the power going out so I can't even use my computer?
...
Oh fuck off.
Screw this. Rainbow slinky, looks like it's just us. Now off to the unimaginable of hypothesis! Slinky, slinky, slinky, slinky, slinky,slinky,slinky,slinky...
^\/^\/^\/^
For many months, the second princess of Equestria, Luna, had been bored out of her mind. The royal duties she was tasked with only seemed to be repeats. Walk there, talk there, flash your flank there, it was all becoming rather clockwork; and after spending 1,000 years on the moon staring at one, she was not to fond of clocks. One day, she decided to consult her sister with the issue.
"Dearest sister," Luna said, grabbing her sister's attention from the book she was reading, "I am bored."
Celestia looked up from her book and raised an eyebrow. She was still waiting for another of her student's letters in her study, the fireplace burning one such letter that was impossible to read and was dismissed as a joke. Something about family...
The great princess sighed and put aside her book, knowing her sister would not give up this quest. "Well Luna, what could you do about that?"
"I do not know. That is why I have come to you. You always have some grand adventure planned for your student so surely it couldn't be so hard to think of something for your dear, loving, caring, most humble sister?" She added an attempt at the unforgiving puppy eyes look, which, for the sake of the readers, cannot be described how well she did it for it would cause heart attacks and cases of diabeetus.
Celestia sighed, as the guards standing by the door dropped (most likely dead), and tried to think of what could keep her sister out of trouble. It was then her pet phoenix swooped down from her perch and started to feast on the dead guards that an idea came to mind.
"Why don't you get a pet, it would help you learn responsibility and give you plenty to do. I'm sure that would be a good option?"
Luna's horn let out a ball of light similar to a tool used by another species. "Why of course! How could I have not thought of that? A pet is the perfect way to keep my mind off all these endless duties, thank you most kindly dear sister!"
The sun princess smiled at her sister's new goal in life, just as a scroll came through the fireplace. It seemed everyone was was going to have a good day.
"Ahh! It appears my students friend was successful in converting Discord. I suppose I should go get him. Care to join me sister?"
^\/^\/^\/^
"Say it."
"Oh, okay fine. Friendship is magic."
Celestia was quite pleased with this. Now it seemed all was fitting together perfectly. But, hang on. Where did Luna go? She was standing behind Celestia just a minute ago and now she was gone. This brought a worried look to the princesses face which she hid from the student and friends.
Luna had indeed been standing by her sister's side, until she got bored. Now she wandered around the quiet town of ponyville searching for anything that could qualify as a good pet. There wasn't much to look at except a few wild birds and bunnies hopping around, of which they were thousands. What the princess wanted was something different, something that nopony else ever had.
But as she wandered, she found herself to be getting nowhere. Then a brilliant idea came to the princesses head.
If I could alter the dream-sight spell, I could be able to locate all creatures within the area! Thus finding the perfect pet!
With a plan in mind, she began the tweaked spell. Soon she felt her reach spread through the minds of all ponies, birds, bunnies, and alien with her magic. Wait a minute, alien?
The princess focused on this strange presence and found it reach far beyond what should be possible, to find a rather strange creature, who was chanting: "Slinky, slinky, slinky."
Never before that she found a creature so strange and amazing. It had no fur, except for the light brown mess on its scalp, and it wore clothes. Luna found this strange as the legs were the only thing covered in the black cloth leaving the rest of it to the open air. In it's claw like appendage was a rainbow coloured slinky, which the creature seemed to be quite amused by.
It was decided, this was to be her new pet; something unlike anypony had ever seen, and seemingly intelligent enough to be taught a few tricks. Luna focused all her magic into putting a hole between her and the creature. Once that was done, her magic snaked through keeping the creature unaware of what was about to happen. Once she had her grip, Luna pulled and it came through easily, about 60 stories above the ground.
It looked down, and screamed, drawing the attention of all ponies and princesses in the area.
"Oops." said Luna.
^\/^\/^\/^
I thought I could trust slinky. He had always been there for me through thick and thin. From where I stole him from an art class in school to now, and then he betrayed me by dumping me crap knows how high in the air without a shirt on, then wrapping around my arms and legs leaving me tied.
Thanks you bastard.
You're welcome. Now where's my fifty dollars and apology for bouncing me all over the place for the past year?
Wait, you can fucking talk?
Of course I can talk! I always though you were just deaf or incredibly stupid, but now you've proved me wrong. So can I have my fifty dollars to pay the bet I made with headphone?
Bet? What fucking bet? And shouldn't we be more concerned about the fact we are falling to our deaths?
Well technically it's your death. I'm plastic. Suck it bitch!
Oh, okay. Now where was I? "AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"
Will you stop that? I get enough spring-aches around you with your usual nonsense.
"Buuuuuuut IIIIIIII'm Falllllllling!"
Well there's no need to scream about it. It's not like I'm in danger.
This is possibly the worst time to be battling with my sanity. If I ever get out of this, I swear never to talk to myself or slinky again.
I would love that!
Shut it. Now time to... oh hey. I've stopped falling. Now I'm floating, in what looks like gold glitter, oh god, please don't tell me I've just been rescued by pixies claiming to be vampires.
I turn around to find that in fact I had not rescued by pixies, but to find something some of the world calms to be just as stupid. I'm seeing ponies. Ponies that I know and love. Ponies who were now staring at a certain chaotic villain with death glares.
"Don't look at me," said Discord, "I didn't do it."
"Then who did?" asked the all knowing and powerful Celestia.
The question was answer by the best thing to come in blue since the sky. "Sister! Sister! I finally found a pet!" cried Luna as she galloped up to the princess of the sun.
"This thing?" Celestia asked. "Are you sure about that? It's looks a bit strange."
I would love to put in my own input, but mister plastic rainbow had lodged himself in my mouth, thus making any noise I made complete nonsense.
Oh cheer up. If you say anything they might realize how annoying you are and just kill you.
I liked you better when I could use you a weapon on my dad and you wouldn't complain.
Your attempt to be funny and hurtful was bad and you should feel bad.
I am never leaving you in front of the screen while I am on the internet ever again.
While I was in crazy town with the dick-spring, the conversation below had advanced without me.
"Oh very well Luna. You may keep the creature as long as you take full responsibility for it and work with Twilight to discover everything you can about it."
Luna hopped on the spot with glee before realizing she had an audience and composing herself. "Thank you very kindly dear sister. I will not let you down. I promise."
Celestia nodded towards Discord and Twilight as they both boarded the chariot. Luna and Celestia followed after, with me following through the air. With everyone aboard the pegasi pulled the chariot off towards the grand city of Canterlot.
Wow, you knows all the names of these places? Nerd!
I really don't feel like talking to you right now, so I'm going to ignore everything you say.
^\/^\/^\/^
Once we arrived in Canterlot, there was already a large crowd of ponies waiting for us on the palace gardens. Guards were standing to attention while clearing a path towards the entrance of the castle, keeping back the crowd. Whether it was for the princesses, Discord, or me I can't be sure. Luckily for me Discord seemed to be getting far more attention than me, which was fine.
"Now then, Discord you are to come with me, I have a task for you," said Celestia.
"Oh deary me, I am overjoyed to feel needed," spoke Discord in a very sarcastic tone.
Celestia ignored him and spoke to Luna and Twilight. "You two can take the creature and figure out all you can about him. And I mean everything. I would like a report on my desk by sun rise."
"Certainly princess."
"Of course sister."
Satisfied everyone knew their place, Celestia gives me a curious look, then turns and leaves with Discord following. I felt myself fall just a tiny bit before resuming floating, a new aura of deep blue replacing the gold.
^\/^\/^\/^
"Right, you ready to a list of everything we have learnt thus far, princess?" asked Twilight, paper and quill at the ready.
"Of course. The being appears to be an ape like creature. Hands and feet have been identified to show it walks on two legs. No fur with the skin being very pale, possibly due to living in caves underground but eyes show to dilute just like ours erasing that possibility. Eye colour is blue. Hair is light brown, though longer stands show it was a lighter shade at some point. He is male, and seems to get an erection from simple touch." Luna stated as she read through the various notes collected. "Was that last one really necessary?"
"Well, Celestia did say she wanted to know Everything."
I was not proud of this. They had me stripped naked on a metal bench with magic holding me in place, leaving me able to breath but nothing else except look around. At least they had got the slinky untied from my body, but he could somehow still talk to me.
Didn't think you would get rid of me that easily did you? I'm here to stay mate, and you and I are going to have so much fun. By the way, what the fuck is with your erec-
And moving on. Luna and Twilight had now left the room, possibly thanking of new ways and places to poke me. Unfortunately the magic grip had not lessened, leaving me unable to escape. I could still plot a plan though.
The room was simple and terribly boring. White marble walls with benches in the corners, a trolly sat beside the metal table I was on that had a number of poking tools and my, actually, the dick-waffle slinky.
You keep trying to insult and you keep failing. And don't you have insults that don't have anything to do with dicks, or are you just that obsessed?
^\/^\/^\/^
Outside of the room, princess Luna and Twilight were looking over the notes.
"We still need to find out what he is. It's not going to be easy just taking guesses, and none of my books have anything that gets anywhere near resembling him." noted Twilight, throwing yet another book on the floor.
"If there is not yet a documented illustration of him, they maybe we could make our own." Twilight nodded in agreement. "So first of all would be the name. What should we call him? I was thinking of squishy. Or maybe baldy, but that makes him sound old. Did we even get an age?"
Twilight flicked through some more notes. "Umm, yes we did. The tests show he is fifteen years and six months of age. From the samples we got around the penis it showed he was in the latest levels of puberty. This should mean the lifespan could last from thirty-five to forty-five years of age, if it doesn't fall ill or lose an arm or two."
They stood there looking through the one-way glass at the creature, who seemed to be staring intensely at the rainbow slinky that came with it.
"Perhaps we should see how it behaves while not under restraints," Luna suggested. With a nod from Twilight the magic holding the creature down faded away.
They watched as the creature rose into a sitting position. He looked around before getting off the metal and searching around. He found the garments he was wearing beforehand and put them back on. First some undergarments that were white and looked like shorts, then the pants that were black with two white lines going up either side.
"Seems to prefer having clothes on," noted Twilight. "Possible sign of civility."
The creature wandered around studying the room after that, his eyes swaying over the all walls and settling on the door. He then looked over at the trolly, or more specifically, the rainbow coloured slinky.
"Why does he keep looking at the slinky?" asked Twilight to no one.
After a few minutes of staring he picks it up and puts it in his pocket. Before either of the mares figured what he was doing, or could even react, the creature walked right up to the door and opened it. He stepped out into the hallway and looked around before spotting the mares.
"G'day."
^\/^\/^\/^
With no real plan or thought into what I was going to do, I now find myself with the two mares who experimented on me and poked my privates for two hours. Even still, I can't help but stand here grinning like the biggest idiot on Earth, or now in Equestria, at the thought of now meeting these two brilliant minds.
Well they were brilliant, now they stood in one place moving their mouths like fish after I talked. I think I broke them.
Told you it was better to keep your mouth shut.
Well I'm not dead am I? Now Luna is powering up her horn while still keeping the same look, this can't be good. Luna then blasts me down the entire hall and through a wall. I don't even know how I'm still thinking right now.
"Oh sweet Celestia! I am so sorry," Luna cries as she gallops to my aid.
I would like to know what happens after this but brain says it's nap time.
^\/^\/^\/^
...maybe this could be a way to kill you from here. I mean, I can reach into your brain, and with you knocked out for the past three days I could-
Huh? Where, ow. Pain. Pain in every possible painful way.
What? You're awake? Aww, way to kill my fun. Oh well, at least your in pain.
The room I find myself in is a hospital room but with all lights out. Everything sparkles in the moonlight that comes in through a window and gives me just enough light to describe it. The walls are tiled, typical, the floor is white marble and the bed I find myself in is also white. There doesn't seem to be any colour in the whole place, except for Dick-waffle, who sat on the bedside table.
You still calling me that? Fine then. Just remember 'karma's rule' that you go on about so much.
I now notice that I am naked again, this time with my pants also sitting on the table, next to a lamp. What is with this place and being naked?
I reached over and flicked on the light, shielding my eyes while they adjusted. The light was enough to see a clock on the wall.
"Two thirty, how long have I been out for?" I asked myself.
You don't pay much attention. If you did you would of noticed my statement, after the threat to kill you, that you had been out for three days.
The slinky sat there, and I stared at it trying to decided if it was lying from it's expression.
How hard did you it your head? I'm plastic, I don't even have a face. How the hell are you gonna tell if I'm lying?
Well played. If I was going to get answers then laying here wasn't going get me any. I get out of the hospital bed and dressed before checking on the door. It seemed to be unguarded from the other side, but it didn't lead to the hospital. Instead was the same corridor I was in before, with red curtains hanging from the walls and yellow and blue stripped carpet. Everything else was marble.
The hole I had made with my head was no longer visible, due to magic no doubt, but another thing that struck me was the lack of another door that should lead to the room I was experimented on. The only doorway in the corridor was the one I was standing in, which made no sense. Ahh, this is Equestria. Why am I even trying?
Ahem, you're not gonna leave me behind, right?
Looking back at Dick-waffle, I thought of the most polite and sensible thing to say at this time. "You're a spring. Fucking bounce." And with that I left him there while I turned left down the hall, his voice getting more quiet as I walked.
That doesn't even make sense! Trust me you're gonna be screwed over by those guys without me.Get back here right now!Fine! Go get horned in the asswhile I stay here nice and say.You still owe me fifty dollars so don't die!
^\/^\/^\/^
Well this is just great. I come with him all this way, through all these hard times, just for him to leave me sitting here. Not to mention he won't give me fifty dollars. After all I've done for him! I tried to help him give up on the worthless dream of being an author, I make sure headphone kept on his good side and not throw all that static in his ear; hell, I even put up with him when he sleep walked and tried to flush me down the toilet! But leaving me like this is just...
Hang on, who are those two in the corridor?
^\/^\/^\/^
"Now what princess? Do we just follow him and see where he goes?" asked the ever questionable Twilight.
"Yes, if we can see what his plan is, then we might be able to understand him better," replied Luna, stretching her wings as she did so, "And is this spandex really necessary?"
"Of course princess," said Twilight, turning to face the second ruler with her back facing the room. "This way if he turns around, he won't see us."
"Seems logical I suppose. Very well."
^\/^\/^\/^
Hmm, come on pony girl, swish that tail. There's a good girl...
Wait, the hell am I doing? Oh. I've spent to much time with that boy. The things that go through his head.
Swish. Hmm...
^\/^\/^\/^
I'm rather surprised at the lack of guards. I haven't seen any since that day we landed here, even then they were only on the gardens. What in this place could be more important than an alien wandering around unattended?
I mean it's not like the world is ending or something just as... oh my. This must be the second floor because I can see though a window near the bottom of the wall into what looks like a nursing area. And there are all the guards, and there is Celestia, and there is also Cadence and Shining Armor.
And Cadence is giving birth...
I think the world just got revenge for me breaking the minds of Luna and Twilight.
^\/^\/^\/^
I'm sure I look like a mirror image of Twilight Sparkle and princess Luna from three days ago. Standing here, looking through a window at the gift of birth, and surprised that the guards haven't run me down from the noise of my jaw hitting the ground. I understand there are hundreds of fics about Shining and the princess of love knocking each other up, but for it have actually happened? And a baby to be made from it? The people back home ain't going to believe this stuff!
I'm having a ball believing it myself, and I'm watching the damn thing! Live! It really makes some people wonder how the universe has it's beautiful moments that can's be rui-
"First he gets married without telling me, now he's having a baby!?"
Never mind. What's that noise? Oh that's me. "AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!! Where did you come from?!" I yelled at the spandex wearing Unicorn and Alicorn.
"You can talk! I knew it!" yelled the over excited princess of the moon, before dragging me into a horse hug. Yes, I just made that up.
Twilight ignored this new revelation and instead gave a battle cry that could scare the hell out of hell, then went jumping through the window. "Classy." I choked to no one.
Most of the guards form a circle around the unicorns probable landing spot, but I know that she's just gonna teleport. No, wait, she just landed in the middle of them with a giant magic shock wave. She is PISSED. Even her spandex is now a melted puddle on the floor.
"Twily!" called Shining Armor, "What are you doing here? I thought-"
"You thought?" Twilight said simply and quietly, yet every noise stopped. Except Cadence of course. "What did you 'think', dear brother? I've been here for the last three days., and I haven't seen a single sigh of you. Then I find you here, with A Baby On The Way!?!"
"Be calm my student," spoke the wise words of Celestia, "There is a reasonable-"
"No There's Not! And I'm Gonna Show Him Why-"
"Twilight Sparkle!" Ow, I think I heard glass breaking. Or that could just be my own ear rape. Or Luna breaking one of my ribs from the hug of death. "Do not be so naive child! Think before you start things like this, and be reasonable and clam. Shining Armor and Cadence arrived only minutes ago, a guard is most likely still on his way to get you. Do not be so hasty to jump to conclusions."
Twilight finally calmed down enough to look around. We both noticed the carriage lying in the middle of the room, no doubt teleported here. We also noticed all the guards lodged in the wall. Nice.
"Oh," Twilight said slowly, "I guess I did get a bit ahead of myself. I'm sorry." She hung her head in shame, which was incredibly cute! Much cuter then a maddened death machine.
"Why are you up at this hour anyway?" asked Shining. Twilight simply turned her head to look at me and Luna.
Luna smiled and gave a little wave with her wing, while I just managed to squeeze out a noise that somewhat resembled: "Help me!"
Now the attention is back on me. Oh joy. Luckily Cadence started to gave one long scream that then made way to silence. Just before another noise took the air, the cries of a new-born.
This caught everyone ears and in a second, we now watched the new-born as Cadence gave it a teat to suck on.
"D'awwww." could be heard from all those with a view. Not me of course. Oh no I'm far to busy dealing with problems that start with C and end with 'ing'.
"Can't... breath... please... stop..." I cry.
"I know," said Shining Armor, "Doesn't it just take your breath away?"
Sometimes, I worry about these ponies.
^\/^\/^\/^
What the fuck was that? He's gone and gotten himself killed, hasn't he? Dumb bastard. Now I'm stuck here with nothing to do but piss around all day! Just great.
Hello? Who's this? You're not part of my family, they are all here with mum. Who are you?
...I'm your fucking god.
^\/^\/^\/^
As much as I had always dreamed of getting a hug from ponies, this was not what I had in mind. I was sitting before the cutest sight since filly Fluttershy, surround by my favorite cast of characters, and I couldn't enjoy a single moment due to lack of air.
We had been observing the little foal for a good five minutes now, it had not stopped feeding since then, and everyone, sorry, everypony was chatting away about the name. I don't know why, but that filly reminds me of something. Oh, yea, it's a girl. An Alicorn girl at that.
A pink coat that matched it's mothers, and a yellow and purple stripped mane. But two things really stand out for me. First of all, it has a star in each of it's eyes. I'm not saying a reflection or something, I mean a FUCKING STAR is in each of her eyes. Then the second thing which is stranger on a whole new level. It Was Born With A Fucking Crown On It's Head!
I'm dead serious. It even has speaks of blood on it! The fuck is up with ponies?
"I think I have a name," said Cadence, "Princess Skyla."
Everyone agreed with that. The little foal then stopped sucking on the teat, curled up to her mother and fell asleep. Another round of 'D'awwwww' was passed around.
I'm getting rather panicky here, slowly dying and all, but I don't think I'm going to be getting of here anything soon. I look up at meet Cadence's eyes, which are now full of confusion, concern, and curiosity.
"Quick question guys," she began, then pointing a hoof in my direction. "What is that?"
It's now that all the ponies in the room now look at me. Horns spark, wings flare, and hooves stomp. Fuck my shit and give it to a duck in a bucket, this is gonna hurt.
"Oh, this is my new pet!" Luna, I love yo- Wait, pet? What?
This chapter title was brought to you by Inrix and Co.
WARNING: This chapter is extremely confusing. I still don't understand some of it. But bear with me, all will be explained soon. May cause headaches.
Man, Luna has such a kick ass room! The roof has that Harry Potter thing where you can see the sky, or whatever you wanted to project. The rest of the room is more basic then you would think, with a double queen size bed (blue), two bedside tables (blue), desk (black), and a saucy Rainbow Dash poster.
I should probably also note the cage in the corner. That I'm sitting in. With newspaper covering the floor. And it gets worse with Luna sitting on the outside trying to feed me little treats.
"Come on little squishy," Luna said, still using her new name for me, "Who wants a nice tasty sugar lump?"
Now I would like to tell her to go fuck herself, but due to those ten minutes of chest crushing I can't get enough breath to say anything.
"Oh I know what would cheer you up!" Oh this should be good. "How about I bring you your little toy you love so much?"
Before I can even move my head a blue flash reveals a certain rainbow coloured plastic spring.
Sup. How's the money moon?
I'm going to kill you. Just making it clear right now. As soon as I get back on my feet, you are dead.
You're still not that smart are you? And I'm getting tired of reminding you. I'm PLASTIC. Can't die. Now then, I need your help. There is-
And now he's being shaken up and down by Luna. "Who wants the slinky? Hmm? Who wants the pretty rainbow slinky?"
I, I, I think we'-we've bot-both had en-enough of t-this bit-bitch.
^\/^\/^\/^
Why is that voice so mean? I never did anything to hurt it. I wonder if all things here are like that. No, mom and dad are nice. But he's a big meanie.
But why is he a big meanie? Maybe he has bad parents. No. He's not alive. Then why does he have a voice?
Maybe he's evil. He might be just a big bully, and their are no bullies while I'm a princess. I'll make him pay. I'll show him not to be a bully!
Now where is mom? I'm hungry.
"WWWAAAHHHHH! WWWWAAAHHHH!"
"Hmm... Honey..." groaned Shining Armor from his sleep. "She's awake again. Your turn."
"Humph. I'm on it."
Almost as soon as Cadence got out of bed, the foal stopping screeching instantly. Giggling took place over the noise.
“This foal is going to lead to a lot of trouble.”
^\/^\/^\/^
After what seemed like hours, and most likely was, princess Luna finally went off to bed, giving me some time to think about what just happened.
First of all, I’m in Equestria. No doubt about that due to the pain. Secondly, I have a talking rainbow slinky, who I have wisely named Dick-waffle, that only I can hear. Thirdly, Cadence just had a fucking foal.
Right, staying calm, that’s what’s important here. I’m surround by ponies. Still calm, good. My Little Pony ponies. The only ponies to ever become famous and infamous. They talk, they have magic, I’m now the pet to one of their princesses.
Okay, that’s the facts I know down. Now the others thing. How did I get here? Luna had something to do with it. I’ll try to ask her in the morning, if I don’t get blasted through a wall again. Why did Cadence have a baby? Well, I guess that’s something I don’t want to think about.
Then stop thinking about it. Dirty bastard. And Headphone wonders where I get my sick jokes from?
Stay out of this! Next thing, why is my slinky talking? This never happened before, so why now?
Umm, something about that I want to-
Don’t wanna hear it. You’re just going to insult my intelligence some more. Or persuade me to come get you, and there is no way in hell I am doing that.
Yes, well, everybody has their fetishes. But this is not one of mine.
Well this does explain the saucy Rainbow Dash on the wall. And seeing as you are a rainbow slinky...
Please stop.
Stop talking and I will. Right, back to thinking. I’m surrounded by ponies. Why am I surrounded by ponies?
This is going to be a long night.
^\/^\/^\/^
Finally my little Squishy has fallen asleep. Now I wonder what dreams you have...?
<Dream>
Now this is interesting. It seems to be ponyville, but why is he her- Oh my. Is that Twilight? What is she...
“By the divines Twilight Sparkle! What could possess thou to act in such an uncouth manner?”
Wait, that’s not Twilight. Where is this? This isn’t ponyville! Sister?
Why hello dear Luna. Do you wish to know about this creature?
”Well, yes, but what are-” Hey! Where did this bond come from?
”Don’t worry Luna, we just ask for a simple favour.”
Luna cocked her head to the side in question. The Celestia that stood before her just smiled and turned around.
”Pleasure us dear sister.”
Luna went wide-eyed, her sister would never act this way. On closer looking, against her will of course, she noticed that this wasn’t Celestia, but somepony had looked a lot like her save for a pink mane.
As fun as this was to watch, I had better things to do. Such as find ‘Squishy’ and tell him about this new girl. So I left Luna and Celestia to it, revenge bitch, and bounced off into the void.
^\/^\/^\/^
Now where am I? This is not my crib, and wheres mom? I’m hungry!
...
She’s not here. What do I do? “Wh-what is going on?”
^\/^\/^\/^
“This is not boring. This is fun. I have so many friends. Look at all my friends” I say as I gesture to an empty room. “All my friends love me.”
The human faced Twilight beside me nodded, licking my pants as she went. My room was a big one. So pretty with christmas lights hanging from happy bunny heads, all illuminating my model built pre-school in the middle. The cobblestone floor made fart noises as I walked, causing human-faced Twilight to breath deeply of the stench.
“Now my friends, let us see our new students.” In the pre-school house model I had a good view of every room, each done up in a japanese style. In one room I could see Celestia and Luna taking Sex ED, in another was Skyla in combat training. Oh, and here comes her first challenger.
^\/^\/^\/^
Why is everything Japanese? I understand modern cultures influencing each other and such, but to the point of mind? That’s creepy. There better be something behind this door or I’m quitting, I can’t take this large a dose of Squishy’s dreams. Oh no.
”Oh, it’s a giant slinky. Are you here to take me home?”
“Oh my me, it’s you! The stupid bloody voice in my springs!”
”It is you! The disgraceful pile of, of, whatever you are who claims to be a god!”
“And you’re the prissy little princess that got shat out this afternoon. You don’t have anything on me.”
”Oh really?
Now she’s giving off a spark show with her horn. Well done misses no talent. That glow is getting pretty big. Really big. Oh shit.
*Poof*
...A banana? “That’s all you could come up with? A banana? Wow, you really are Celestia's Granddaughter, or great niece; in fact, how is Cadence related to Celestia anyway?”
”Yea, w-well. *Sniffle* Y-you can go... can go to the m-moon!”
Definitely a relative of Celestia’s. “Well, not like ruining your day isn’t fun, ‘cause it is, but I need to get going and find my pal. See you around.” I really hope I don’t run into her again.
^\/^\/^\/^
<Real world>
Pinkie looked up at the clock, twelve fifteen. She had work tomorrow and yet she couldn’t sleep. It wasn’t the usual reasons, like someones super special one hundred and sixty seventh birthday, or just sugar rush. Her Pinkie sense had been ringing since the sun fell, yet this was beyond what she had ever experienced. Even strangerer than that time with Twilight.
The shuddering slowly started again and the combo came through.
Itchy eyes, acky heart, silent brain, orgasem, blackout for three seconds. She needed to know what was going on, and there was only one way to do that.
Err, right.
^\/^\/^\/^
<Dream>
This was a game. A game that is fun. And I like playing games. All the characters run around by themselves. It’s like TV! Yay! I like it when the TV is on.
“Oh, hello. You’re that creature that Luna found, aren’t you?” said a curious, yet cautious voice.
I turn to find Pinkie. She’s a pony. One of the big ponies. She’s not in my game. Why is she here?
Oh, here comes Twi-man. I missed it. It is such a nice friend. I wonder if Pinkie can be a friend too?
“Wh-what is that?” Pinkie asked Twi-man. Pinkie didn’t look so pink anymore. “Umm, I think I’ll just be going now...”
Before Pinkie could leave, Twi-man used magic! Real magic! To lift Pinkie into the air and hover above the game. Now she’s shrinking! Cool! A new toy!
“Yay! More play time!”
^\/^\/^\/^
Well this is going nowhere. Every damn corner I turn there is either a door leading to another corner or a dead end. I’m getting quite sick of it. If only I could just- Ooof. Ow.
“Wow, that creepy looking Twilight is such a meanie. Good thing this spring was here to break my fall. Thanks springy!” said a overjoyous pink pony.
“No problem. Just get off me.” The pony gasped at my voice and jumped right off.
WARNING! This chapter makes too much damn sense! It will be a bit weak but that is how stories work. Some parts great, some not so.
”What is it?” This better be worth the time because I... what.
Inside the room is... a girl? A human girl. Why is there a human girl in his dreams? Long chocolate brown hair, green eyes, lightly tanned skin, and a simple white gown. Oookay.
“Ooooh. She’s pretty!” Says Pinkie, smiling brightly towards the girl. “What’s your name?”
The girl says nothing, she just stands there staring holes in the wall. And I mean it, the thing was smoldering. Pinkie walks up to the girl and starts inspecting her, poking and tugging, trying to get a reaction.
She is just sitting there, not moving, until Pinkie pulls her knickers off from underneath. This of course leads to a reaction as she pulls a violin out of nowhere and starts tearing at it while screaming.
The scream tears at the air and fudge around us, the walls falling down revealing Skyla still sitting in one spot, Luna doing things a pink-maned Celestia and enjoying it a bit too much, and a giant Squishy and a human-faced Twilight Sparkle. All of us are thrown back by the force of the scream, all except Squishy who just broke down in a fit of tears. The noise turns into a rainbow of food and popcorn before a blinding white.
We wake up.
<Real life>
^\/^\/^\/^
*Yawn* Ahh, another beautiful morning in... a cage. Why am I in a cage? Have I been kidnapped? Oh fuck, have I been turned into a hostage held against my own will for the sake of some dildos?
Wait, this room... Oh. It’s Luna’s room. I’m in Equestria. Holy shit. I’m in Equestria! Holy shit... All my friends... family... all that homework I could never be fucked doing...
I’m in Equestria. At the cost of my life. The cost of all my friends, Max, Eli, Taran, Cody; no wait, fuck Cody. Fucking prick. My family... yea, no great loss there. The only one I cared about was dad. Oh shit. He’s gonna be heartbroken. Literally, he’s gonna get a heart attack from me disappearing. Well that sums up family then.
My wholesome future as a author... Wait, that remains the same. If I don’t get mooned anytime soon.
I’m in Equestria, surrounded by talking made-up ponies, with the possible aspect of never getting home. Well, I don’t know that for sure, but after reading all those fics, probably.
Equestria, ponies, home gone, Equestria, ponies, home gone. Heh. Hehehe. Hahaha... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... BUHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!
“Hmm? What is that noise?” Asks a suddenly awakened Luna.
{You know what? Fuck it. ALL THIS IS NOW IN PAST TENSE! I can’t keep up this shit anymore. Except for thoughts, but those will be now covered by these things >}{Does anyone even know what they are for? I should probably know but, hey I’m lazy. Right, only for thoughts from here on out}
She dragged herself from the bed and walked over to my cage, while I continue to laugh like a madman.
“Ahh Squishy! It is nice to see you have awoken!” She said as she gazed into the cage. “And in such a happy mood! I wonder if you will speak again...”
I can’t help but laugh at the princess. Just looking at her sets me off even more, my self control gone beyond saving.
{I’ve gone mad! I’ve completely lost it. I can’t stop laughing! Will I ever be able to stop? Fuck if I care, this is fun! Ponies, why?}
Luna herself started chuckling along before glancing at a clock. “Oh no. I’ve got to lower the moon in five minutes! I’ll see you later, Squishy!” With that she galloped out the door and leaving me to laugh away my pain.
^\/^\/^\/^
Back in Ponyville, Pinkie Pie was waking up from the weirdest night she had yet to experience. At least now the repeating Pinkie sense had gone, leaving her able to roam without leaving puddles.
Pinkie did a spinning backflip-motocross jump out of bed and landed without a single noise, when something landed on her head. She reached up and plucked it off to find it was a rainbow slinky. It seemed very familiar, but was most likely something she picked up yesterday.
Pinkie tossed it aside for later before making her way downstairs for her job opening the Sugar Cube Corner store below her.
{Shit.}
^\/^\/^\/^
Celestia was starting to worry about the lateness of her sister when she heard clopping coming from down the hall. Luna came racing up to her sister with moments to spare.
“Good timing, Luna, now let’s get this over with.” They over to a set of doors that had extremely detailed picture of the sun and moon, each with a barely visible hole for their horns. Their power surged through the doors, causing the sun and moon pictures to start spinning as the doors opened.
Inside was a marvelous sight. The entire solar system sat before them, floating around the secret room. Each of the princesses picked up a stick that sat by the door and started poking the sun and moon into the positions that they wanted them to be in twenty four hours.
“So,” Celestia asked while she poked, “How goes the new pet?”
“Oh, he’s quite nice. He still hasn’t talked since yesterday and has quite the strangest dreams; also he woke up this morning laughing like crazy. He’s fun to be around.”
Celestia was a bit worried by this news of laughter, but simply put it aside. There was, however, something else that was bothering here. The creature was somehow familiar, the presence of power that doesn’t come from magic, but from fearlessness and the courage to do what was needed.
The sun princess paused in her movements to think about this a bit more.
^\/^\/^\/^
Meanwhile on one part of the Equis ocean, a blue llama was sitting on the last remains of an iceberg, only just staying afloat when the sun stopped moving. It was those few moments that the sun melted the last of the iceberg and he fell into the freezing ocean to slowly drown in the cold.
^\/^\/^\/^
Celestia quickly snapped back to attention and poked the sun some more, setting it in place. She would inquire about the creature later.
The princesses set the sticks down where they once were and left the solar system room.
“Okay, off to play with my new Squishy!”
“Okay, sister. Just be careful with it, alright?”
“Sure thing! Bye, dearest sister!”
^V^V^V^
{Fuck, I really have to go to the bathroom.
...come on, where is she? It can’t be that hard to lower and raise planets!
“Hey there little Squishy!” She calls out, coming in from the door. {Let me out.}
“How are you feeling?” She turns to me and cocks her head slightly.
{Like shit, truth be told.
I really want to enjoy this, I really do. I mean, I’M IN EQUESTRIA! But being locked up in a shitty little cage (that’s just fucking wonderful, by the way) while they talk like I have the IQ of a table isn’t really helping my cause...
My little insanity trip doesn’t help my cause either. That’s just perfect, going crazy in the land of the mad.
Oh, she’s talking. Zoned out, I guess.}
“Come on, Squishy, can’t you do anything?” She gets closer to the cage with an innocent expression.
I know just the thing for that.
“Yeah, I can pee standing up.”
Luna’s face froze for a few seconds, before total outrage took hold.
“THOU ART SPEAKEST AGAINST THY COMMAND!? I RULE OVER YOU, HUMBLE SQUISHY, AND IF YOU WISH TO RELAY YOUR OPINION AGAINST THY WILL, YOU HAST-...”
I never thought the ‘Royal Canterlot Voice’ could actually be any louder than what I thought before, but... oh dear, there goes my clean pair of pants.
^\/^\/^\/^
After about ten minutes of verbal abuse, Luna finally managed to calm down and started to talk.
“How long has thou been able to communicate in a civilised manner?”
“Since I got here, but due to rib breakage, your game of toss-the-human, and child-birth, I never really got a chance to say much.”
“Ahh, I see how that may have been a problem. So I take it your name must be Human then?”
“What? No, it’s-...” McAwesome-o. Nope, that sucks. What was my name again...? Oh, right. That... “Eh, you can call me ‘Squishy’ or something.”
Luna laughed and giddied with glee. “Oh, happy days, I guess I have my very own talking pet!”
This displeases me. “Umm, pet? You can’t be serious. Right?”
“But of course! After all, I brought you here!”
{So she brought me here. Well ain’t this just grand.}
“So, now you’re the only Squishy on Equestria!”
{AND I’m probably going to die alone here. Surrounded by ponies. Lots of ponies. And a slinky. Oh, wait, where did that little bitch go..?}
“Look, as much as I appreciate being here with all you cuddly little bunches of joy, I’d rather like to go home.”
Luna gave her best at a poker face, and glanced around. “Erm, yes. Sending you home... Would you happen to... um... know where that is...?”
“Well how’d you find me?”
“Ah, yes, about that... can’t really get into detail, because I’m not completely sure how I did it either.”
{Well, shit.}
“So... do you know any more tricks?”
^V^V^V^
Behind a couch. My fate is to be stuck behind a couch. How did I even get here? No doubt that pink pile of ass-turds had something to do about it.
Now what am I going to do? Sit around here till the world rots? Where’s that bastard that owes me 50 dollars? That bitch better pay up...
Frankly, I really don’t enjoy this dusty, dank, party poop covered, back of sofa. Hopefully some hero that isn’t on his way to insanity will save me! Oh. I get a lizard.
“Oh hello there. It seems I may have found an intellectual being in the form of compressed oil to form the shape of a household toy formally named: ‘slinky’.”
It’s a talking lizard... Okay, let’s give Spidermare a ring.
After a rather anti-productive day with Luna, I managed to tell her about most of the world. It wasn’t the most exciting thing I have ever done, but the reactions to our technology and food usage was fun to behold.
“er, Squishy, what’s a windmill?”
“Well, it’s a big device that takes the wind and turns it into energy.”
“Ooh, what do you do with the energy?”
“Well, we power televisions, computers, lights, all that good stuff.”
“Ooh, what’s a television?”
This is getting repetitive. “A television is a box that broadcasts shows, kind of like a radio. Peopl-, er, ‘Squishies’, sit down and watch it all day long.”
“But, isn’t that unhealthy and lazy?”
A fucking lot. “Not really, but squishies tend to get very, erm... chubby.”
Is Luna... laughing? The obesity rate on Earth is funny? Well, hehe, I guess so, but it’s killed more people than Aids!
Hehe, Aids...
“Okay then,” she says, “what’s a compu-”
And then the castle erupts in a loud shake.
^V^V^V^
Best... fucking... pony... ever!
Holy fucking shitballs, is this how ponies party?
Dick-waffle was riding wild with Gummy at a DJ-P0N3 party based in the Canterlot pimp club, the biggest around; also located right next to the castle (At Celestia’s request). Earlier, Pinkie Pie was asked to set up the party for her, and accepted with an army of alligator/pony hybrid offspring armed with cannons.
Dubstep fills the castle, begrudgingly ruining the nearby ‘formal get-together’, causing Blue Blood to go blue in the face with rage. Neon lights flash on and off, creating a surreal feeling of bouncing in a room of lights. Oh, wait, that’s exactly what it is.
Woah, the fucker who created the rave party-! Whoever it was, deserves four terms as President of the United fucking States! It’s not like their current politics are doing much anyway...
^\/^\/^\/^
Meanwhile, two humans sat in a room watching NBA basketball. One of them, however, has a particularly different interest at hand... writing a clopfic behind his non-brony friend’s back.
“He’s going for the shoot, he’s going for th-”
“Best sex scene EVER!” The brony shouts, flipping his chips all over the floor.
His NBA friend turns to the brony.
“...the fuck are you talking about?”
He blushes. “I, uh... nothing, hehe.”
“Lemme see what you’re looking at...”
“Ah, hell no!”
“Yes!”
“No!”
“YES!”
“N-”
Suddenly, a blue aura surrounds the clop-driven human. In the next instant, he and his laptop disappear.
^V^V^V^
“Ooh, Twilight, I never knew you could use you horn like-”
And then he reappears right between Twilight Sparkle and Princess Celestia, who were currently caressing each other’s soft bodies with their tongues. The private sensation ends when they notice they weren’t licking each other any longer, and look at the funny creature.
“...um... ‘sup.”
They stare, devoid of emotion.
“Would it hurt to ask if... gah, fuck it, can I join?”
^V^V^V^
“Oh dear me, did I cast a spell?” Luna asks, surveying the room. Everything seemed to be just like before.
“That sounded like bloody annoying Dubstep... a party? Oh, can we go? And possibly take me with you?” I ask, trying to look adorable.
Luna seemed to pick up the hint and unlocked the cage. I stood from the cage and stretched, extremely thankful for some room finally.
“Ahh! That’s a hell lot better.”
She seems to be staring at my arms. “Fingers are weird.” She points out.
“Oh, well, they are a hell of a lot more useful than hands.”
She still stared, strangely interested.
“We don’t have magic, what’d you expect?”
I shrugged. “Huh... well, let us go find this ‘dubstep’ you talk about.”
Luna and I stroll down the expansive corridors, getting even closer to the pounding wubs.
“Hey, it sounds like it’s coming from in here!” Luna points out, nodding her head at the white door with the picture of the sun on it.
“I didn’t think my sister approved of such ravenous music..!” She exclaims, putting a hoof to the door to open it.
^V^V^V^
Two ponies. Fucking me hard. Right now. How could I, just a simple clopfic writer, end up actually being in one!
This is going to be the best story on FimFiction ever.
Oh, right, the two mares licking my body. Back to that...
“Oh, squishy..!”
Why are they calling me that?
“You’re so... SQUISHY.” The erotic princess screams.
Wow, kinky.
“Ohh, Squishy, I’m going to-”
Wait, did the door just open?
…
What the-
^V^V^V^
Oh my god, this isn’t dubstep!
“Sister, what are you doing with Twilight?” Luna asks curiously, like a little child. The princess stopped, at turned around to face the door. Twilight did the same. Out of their wet nethers rose another human.
...wait, a human? There is a human, having sex with Twilight and Celestia, and they were okay with it? Damn it, this is why I need a social life.
“Sister, is that..!” She said, looking at the messy figure with confusion and slight arousal in her voice. His face was covered in Celestia knows what (and she really does, too, since it came from her), and he attempted to smile.
“Uh, hehe... sup...”
Some of the ick on his face dripped into his mouth...
Lucky son of a bitch.
“Luna, what are you doing in here?” Twilight calls out, breaking the awkwardness.
“Well, we were looking for that strange music-”
“-dubstep, Luna.” I correct her.
“-er, yeah, dubstep.”
Everybody/pony stared at each other for the longest time. Finally, the other guy spoke.
“Well then, what are you waiting for?”
“Yeah, Luna, let’s, erm, go. That way. Away from here. That away.” I agree.
“Good idea, Squishy...” she approves. She and I step out the door, shuddering. From behind me, a loud high-pitched scream pierces the hallway, followed by another one.
“My sister can be weird sometimes...”
“Luna, everybody here is weird. For example, I‘m surrounded by talking ponies who seem to fuck everything but me.”
“Excuse me, Squishy?”
Oops. “Uh, nothing, let’s go find that party.”
^V^V^V^
“Who’s ready to drop the bass?!” Yelled a slightly high DJ before throwing a Cello into the crowd, gaining an angered and terrified “VINYL!” from a mare in the crowd.
The crowd of colorful ponies and colts, dotted by neon lights, cheer.
Fuck yeah, best DJ ever!
The pony throws a vinyl on the player, and spins it.
“This isn’t even house!”
Spin it, DJ!
And then the crowd goes apeshit again.
“Are you enjoying yourself, slinky?” The posh voice asks from a surprisingly close distance. The rainbow toy, springing to the beat by the bar at the back of the venue, turns its attention to the familiar alligator, bouncing to the beat on a pink balloon.
Hell yeah, I’m enjoying myself! I’m so glad I haven’t seen that asshole human in a long-ass time!
“Your excessive use of profanity intrigues me... it suits you.”
Hey, thanks bro. You know, you’re not that much of a jabroni as I thought..!
“I’m sorry, but what is a ‘jabro-”
Suddenly the record scratches to a halt and the crowd slowly stops cheering.
Aww, what the fuck, where’d the party go?
...
And NOW he shows up, as soon as I finally get a hang of this place!
^V^V^V^
Why are they all staring at me and Luna?
Oh, damn, is that Dickwaffle?
Fuck off, you party-ruining prick!
Yeah, that’s Dick-waffle.
Fuck you, you pony-fucking pervert.
{Actually, that’s the other guy.}
Other... guy...?
At least I’m not the only one... wait, I’m still standing here with a sea of eyes staring at me..
“Uh... drop the bass..?”
Luckily, the DJ just shrugs and flips another vinyl on.
This is the best party ever! The drinks are heavy, the music is heavy, the colors are heavy..! Ponies and colts and alligator-thingies dancing and raving and head-bobbing and drinking and grooving and... the way this music hits my ears, it’s like an audible sugar rush!
My head is spinning, this is insane!
…
Ohhh, things are really blurry... the ground’s moving like the sea...
...there’s colours everywhere...
...and the floor’s getting closer...
^V^V^V^
Huh..? Wuzzat noise..?
...I feel so warm and snuggly...
...and naked..? What is this taste in my mouth?
I don’t remember my blanket being white with a sun on it...
Fuck it, this is getting creepy, I’m getting up.
“Where are you going..?”
Wait a second...
“Hey, don’t go anywhere, we’re not done with you yet...”
Oh, right. Well, I really have to go to the bathroom, but I know I shouldn’t get up.
“Uh, Princess, c-can I go to the bathroom first?”
Why is she looking at me like that.
“The bathroom is right here.”
Yup, I’m staying here.
::Several Hours Later::
^V^V^V^
{Ohh, my head...}
Hey, jabroni, wake up. [/size=10]
{What the fuck does that even mean..?}
Doesn’t matter. Get up-! [/size=11]
The room I was in felt familiar, but didn’t feel quite the same...
{Oh, wait a second, it’s Luna’s room.}
No shit, sunshine...
{It’s night-time outside, dumbass.}
You don’t say?
{Gah, shut up.}
Luna wasn’t here, so I assumed she was off finishing raising the moon. The cage I was in had some new improvements... it wasn’t a cage anymore, it was a spring-filled mattress on the floor!
{Oh, awesome..!}
Whoop-de-fucking-do, you have a bed.
{Hey, just be lucky I don’t shove you in the bed as a spring.}
At least I’m being shoved in plac-
The door swings open, with a happy Luna bouncing through.
“Hi there, Squishy!”
“Hello, Luna.” I reply.
“You like your new bed?” She asks, curious.
“Yeah, thanks!” You reply.
Suck-up.
“Well, good! I got it with you in mind, seeing as how newspaper and a cage just doesn’t fit a walking, talking dance machine like you!” She laughs, poking my belly.
Hehe, belly...
“Well, it’s time for some rest, don’t you think?” She asks, climbing in her bed.
{Well, I did just wake up from a nap... wow, just what the fuck happened all day? Last time I checked, it was noon!}
Kid, you really don’t want to know.
{Agreed.}
“Well, I did just wake up... would you allow me to walk around Canterlot for a bit?”
{Uhoh, she’s giving me a look...}
…
“Why yes, but don’t stay up too late, and try not to get killed.”
{Sweet.}
^V^V^V^
Celestia opens her wing, revealing a still-naked person in a deep sleep. She nudges him, slowly bringing him to.
“-Mmm..?” He groans, stretching out on the bed fit for five Celestia’s. Twilight was long-gone, but he know she’d probably be back tomorrow.
“You’ve been sleeping all day, love... should we continue?”
{Being a newly non-virgin is hard... hey, where’s my laptop? I need to write all this down, pronto.}
“Hey, did you happen to see a little white box-looking thing when I got here? I need it right now.”
The royal princess looks at him funny. “Well, no, I didn’t.”
“Can I go look for it?”
The princess thought for a minute, thinking this creature could read minds and was going to try to escape her future plans, but she shrugged the thought; only magic can do that..!
“Go ahead, but be back before morning, okay?” She gives a sly wink.
“Oh yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”
^V^V^V^
Both Squishes departed the rooms, bent on separate tasks.
{Where the fuck is my laptop... oh, maybe it’s over here..?}
{Where does this door lead to? Oh, wait, they’re having sex. Nevermind... oh, where does this door lead to?}
Unbeknownst to them, a minty green mare scrambled across the castle, searching for them.
“Humans, humans... where are the humans..?” She mumbled to herself. It seemed too real, to actually own such a piece of technology never seen before. She knew how to read English writing, as it’s been her guilty pleasure for nearly a decade now. What she previously lie her eyes on was a miracle to behold; a surreal depiction of a fellow Ponyville member performing intercourse with a human! The words seemed to float on a flat surface, and beneath the glowing words, sat a bunch of letters and a small pad that seemed to move a little arrow when you moved your hoof on it.
Kinky, but magical nonetheless.
“Humans, humans, humans, where are they...”
^V^V^V^
{Gah, I’ll never find my damn laptop! As far as I know, some pony probably saw what I was writing and burned it to a smoldering crisp..!}
{And I was just stumbling on a breakthrough...}
He turned around the corner, the red jacket he threw on exposing his improperly-clothed body every other second.
{AND I forgot my gloves! This day couldn’t get worse... at least, I hope so. I hope I don’t have to go back home or anything, that’d be plain horrible! I just wanna stay here and-}
Suddenly, he and the minty pony bump into each other around a corner.
…
“HUMANHUMANHUMANHUMANHUMANHUMANHUMANHUMA-”
He puts a hand over Lyra’s mouth.
“Ssshhh, don’t wanna wake up the whole damn castl- wait, you know what I am?”
She nods.
“Huh, strange... hey, you have my laptop!” He exclaims, pointing at the computer, floating from Lyra’s magic. He takes it with the other hand and opens it, not un-covering Lyra’s frantic mouth.
“...oh, thank Go-, er, Celestia. You didn’t touch my clopfic..!”
Lyra pushes his hand away.
“What’s a ‘clopfic’? I never heard of that before, and I’ve been studying humans for years.” She asks, trying to contain her excitement.
He blushes. “Hehe, well, it’s like a short story that involves sex and ponies. Pretty cool, huh?”
Lyra stops to think. “Wait, so humans fantasize about ponies?” She asks.
“Yup!”
“Do they fantasize about me?”
“...uh, some do. Why do you ask?”
Lyra builds up the courage to ask, “Do YOU fantasize about me?”
{...did not see that one coming. Are all the ponies here just massive sex-driven sluts or something?}
“...sometimes.” He replies, smiling.
Lyra inches closer, and starts to break into a kiss.
Suddenly, a door opens behind them in mid-makeout.
^V^V^V^
“Oh, it’s you again.” I say, looking at the sly human bastard who’s trying to get it on with Lyra.
They stop, look at me, and the guy (or, well, teenager to be more precise) turns to you.
{Where’d his pants go..?}
“Oh, uh, hello there.” He replies, wearing only a jacket.
{Weird... I think I’ll just continue my walk.}
“Hey.” I reply, and then keep walking.
Don’t want to be a part of that... somewhat.
I keep walking, admiring the craftsmanship of the statues and columns.
Suddenly, lights flashed everywhere as the floor beneath the two humans and Lyra dropped for no good reason other than a horrible plot idea.
^V^V^V^
A loud rumble shakes the sisters awake.
“SQUISHY!” They simultaneously call out, leaping out of their beds and bolting out into the hallway. They both fly down the hole in the floor, flying down to scoop up the falling humans.
“Heeeelp meeee, dammmiit!!” Lyra screams, still falling. Luna dumps her pet in Celestia’ arms (“Oh, hello there sweetie...” She slowly says, grinning), and flies down to pick up the minty pony. Above them, the hole seals back up (again, for lack of plot), leaving the ponies and humans trapped in a cave deeper than the crystal caves underneath the reception hall, overlooking Canterlot.
The two sisters set down on the rocky bottom, releasing the humans and pony, only to look up and see the hole filling itself.
“What the bitch?” The almost naked one asks.
“WHAT STRANGE POWER DARES LOCK US IN A CAVE?” Luna exclaims, using her Royal Canterlot voice.
{Ow, my ears...}
Good thing I don’t have ears.
{Dick-waffle? Where’d you go, where are you?}
Trust me, kid, you don’t want to know until you’re 18.
{Fair enough.}
Molesti-, er, Celestia, lights up her horn to try and open up the hole again, but it doesn’t budge.
“Fuck!” She yells, stomping on the ground.
Luna looks at her sister funny. “What is this ‘‘fuck’ you refer to?”
The other guy starts to blush, alongside the princess.
{Ew.}
You said it.
“Sister, I can explain it along the way if you all just follow me.”
Luna turns around. “What about that way?”
“No no, I feel better going this way.”
{I’m going with Luna.}
I’m already with Luna, so I really don’t have a fucking say in the matter, now do I?
“I call dibs with her!” The other guy calls out, pointing at the rapist pony.
Lyra’s still just standing there alongside Luna. She’s probably going with us, but I don’t know...
Celestia beams, then looks back at you and Luna.
“We will split up. Luna and I have our own way of communicating without speaking, so we’ll know where the exit is over time, no?”
(Just a little something while I finish up the next chapter, and because it's April. I fucking hate April!)
"You're fired."
"Wh-what? Why?"
"Because you just fucked several of the actors, without permission, while the camera were rolling, without protection."
The office room held a long meeting table, long enough to hold thirty chairs which were all occupied. A stern man in a billowing cloak sat at the head, sunglasses blocking anyone from guessing where he was looking.
"It, it, I, they wanted to!" said the teen in his defense.
The man looked over at a pink haired alicorn and a purple unicorn.
"Miss Twinkle and Miss Sunny, did you agree to any sexual contact with the actor DuBrony?"
Both ponies shook their heads, glancing fearfully at the human teen.
"I think it's safe to say they don't..."
"THIS IS BULLSHIT!"
The teen now known as DuBrony jumped from his seat and ran towards the exit, just as the local officer walked in, wearing Roman armor.
"You're going away for a long time, to the rape dungeon!"
A trial of deodorant followed as they swam out the window, into the horizon. The man in the chair just sighed, holding his head in pained frustration.
"How did I get this job?"
Three employers sat nearby. The first one said:
"From your amazing directing skills and intelligence?"
The second said:
"Because you are loved by everyone and everything?"
The third, who was bored and resting on his elbow, replied:
"Because you have a horrible taste in fandoms and crave attention so you started writing hoping to noticed?"
That man went flying out the window and crashed to the ground several hundred meters below. That man was you.
Two weeks. Two weeks of the same tunnels, turns, and yapping Luna. At least Dicky had shut up. Kinda.
“Dammit! I am going to gouge out the entire entrails of this infernal bug if it doesn’t stop flicking me!”
“Ooh! Ooh! Can I touch the screamy spot? I love the screamy spot!”
Oh, and we also found Chrysalis. Turns out her brood got pissed at her and dumped her within the caves. Talk about sucky family.
So the five of us, I’ll get to the Dick-waffle thing soon, were walking about the same bend for the millionth time. I blame Celestia, I’m gonna bet she made this place just piss us off and keep us lost while she fucks that other guy.
“...and then I was like, ‘But Tia, we need the Sea Ponies’, and she was all like, ‘Naa, they go better with lemon anyway.’ And that’s how we became cannibals.”
Chrysalis seemed to enjoy these tales, but after going insane from being alone and looking up all the time her face was stuck with her eyes looking straight up and a bit to the left while her mouth was in a massive opened mouthed grin. So in short she might really be planning to kill us, but I couldn’t really tell.
The fact of the matter was, I was sick of this place. After all the damn time here and not the single sound nor light of escape was present. It also didn’t help that the font keeps changing while writing this but that’s more of my problem since it will be gone as you read it. That’s another interesting fact, just who are you –
”No! No more, I can’t take another - *Splat*”
“Oh my, better get this cleaned up.”
^\/^\/^\/^
Elsewhere in the universe, a fat guy who was now missing his friend, sat on his couch and watched some TV sport or something. Suddenly the room filled with blinding light, and when it cleared a shrivelled corpse covered in what could only be man and lady fluids landed in this Doritos.
“…Meh.”
After three weeks, he finally stood up to go to the store.
^\/^\/^\/^
Now we have a rather foul smelling Celestia join the team as well. You’d think she just raped some guy into a shrivelled corpse.
Strangely she was not shocked at Chrysalis or the split slinky, know what, fuck explaining that, you can just guess or READ MY BLOGS ONCE IN A WHILE!
“Oh! Then there was this one time, I met the Ligers Queen and we went on an epic adventure and we discovered this place with a giant moving city and a bunch of old guys trying to crack the universe and the Shadow Guard. I’ll tell you more about it someday.”
“Luna, Ligers don’t exist. That was just a dream you had after you drank that Nuka stuff I brought back when I had to go get Fluttershy. That place was fucked up.” Celestia scowled. “Besides, a moving city, how would that even work?!”
“Steam and a lot of cogs actually; well that was what I got told before they tried to kill us with lasers.”
It was at this point I decided to fuck this and jump down the nearest hole. There were shiny things in there. Oh, and some girl wearing blue who ripped a hole in the air that sucked me in. That could have sounded so much worse…
^\/^\/^\/^
“Well Twilight, now you have wings and is a princess, it is time you learnt the royal ways of speaking and walking.” Luna watched the new princess with careful eyes, finding ways of improvement. “Just simply ‘trotting’ is unheard of in princesses. You shall be swift yet slow and pass your gracefulness onto the eyes of undeserving slav - castle workers. “
The new princess in question sat at high attention, quill and paper working to record to the notes passed onto her.
They were in Celestia’s study. And since most of you don’t pay attention to the show or have no imagination, I will describe it to you. It was fancy with pillows and a fireplace. The end.
Luna was not too happy with using her sisters study, but she lacked her own. They couldn’t build her one because they encourage change, and if that happened then Gay marriage would come into question that would spark pointless protests and noble ponies preaching about the end of the world, spooking everyone into building million dollar shelters and bunkers ruining the economy and would prove to be worthless due to the world not really ending. Then they would have ponies placing bombs at marathons because they had no friends. Seriously, ponies can be such strange and weird creatures sometimes.
Twilight soon noticed that Luna hadn’t moved for a little while, obviously deep in thought. “Princess?” No reaction. “PRINCESS?!” Reaction. Luna snapped to attention and fell over backwards, a bolt of magic hitting the ceiling as she did so.
Suddenly a grey slit opened in the roof, briefly showing a place filled with crystals, then dumping a human in the middle of the room.
“Ouch,” it commented slowly getting to its feet.
“Look princess!” stated Twilight, “A human! And a fine looking one too, we could sell him for a good price!”
“So we could,” replied Luna, getting off the floor. “I’ll send him to the market.”
“Huh, what?” Was all the human could say before suddenly finding himself in a cage.
“That’s quite a good one princess. Will 2000 bits be enough?” Asked a brown pony.
“Plenty.” Luna smiled. After the deal was done, she teleported back to the castle. The cage the human was in was soon lifted onto a wagon which started moving off into the sun set.
“You know, I think even this is better than being called ‘Squishy’ the rest of my shirtless life,” the human thought out loud.
A voice beside him, it belonging to a much older slave, soon rang out. “Okay you lot, welcome the new kid, Squishy!”
Then the story ended. Yes, the story ended. This is the end. Go home. Now. You’re ugly and you’re ruining my monitor with your face. What, will there be more? If I ever have the urge, maybe, although it will most likely be random stuff rather than this story line. But I might continue it one day. Maybe.
His eyes burst open, reality slowly sinking in. Gazing around, he found himself back in his bedroom; dusty, as if it had been left for awhile.
"Wait, what was... hell, I have weird dreams." He smiled slightly, "Well it's better than being a slave, however that happened."
He lifted himself from the bed, reaching into the pile of clothes scattered around the room to pull out a blue shirt.
'A blue shirt? He would look far better in purple!'
He lifted himself from the bed, reaching into the pile of clothes scattered around the room to pull out a purple shirt.
'No! This isn't going to continue the way you deemed 'prefecto', it shall be blue.'
He lifted himself from the bed, reaching into the pile of clothes scattered around the room to pull out a blue shirt. After putting it on, he started feeling rather hot. Not surprising, considering he was wearing three shirts.
"Okay, putting on three shirts in the middle of summer, perfect sense."
Suddenly, his room started growing very cold. A powerful wind blew through an open window and brought in snow.
"Or winter... Hey! It doesn't snow in Wellington!"
The snow melted. The boy stood in place, utterly confused. Before he could question further into the sudden weather, multiple clothes, or his lack of knowledge into his name, the world around him flashed. He suddenly had a very nice view of a lovely country side, lush green hills, high snowy mountains, and faraway he could see town and cities in the distance. Looking down, he found he was closer to civilization than he thought. Except he was fifty meters above it.
"Haven't I already-"
'Oh just drop him already. Physics can only take so much.'
Unfortunately, he couldn't finish as he was falling and his life required him to yell loudly.
^\/^\/^\/^
"Sister, why have we returned to Ponyville?" Questioned a night-themed alicorn, "As much as we enjoy visiting, this is no real reason."
The alicorns sister, a larger version of herself except day-themed, smiled intelligently, then frowned. "I... have no real idea. I think I am slowly losing myself in my age."
"Oh please," snorted the younger, Princess Luna, "The day you start to turn old is the day the griffons invade."
"Sister, they already tried. You were... away, at the time."
"Oh."
The chariot they rested on zoomed through the sky, quickly zeroing in on a charming village, colour in bright pink, yellow, and brown. A small gathering of also brightly coloured equines, some baring horns or wings, awaited near the center of the village.
At the head of the group stood another alicorn. Unlike the two sisters, she had no real theme other than purple and the starry shape on her crown and flanks. The chariot landed, and the purple one came running.
"Princesses! It's great to see you again, but why are you here? Is something happening?"
The older, Princess Celestia, smiled at her ex-student. "It is nice to see you too, Twilight, but I myself admit of not being sure of our visit."
A murmur soon spread throughout the crowd, looks of uncertainty and worried passing onto every face. Muttering turned to quick accusations, than quickly into panicked shouting.
Luna was quick to step in. "SILENCE! Thou must remain calm! We assure that there is no danger!"
The crowd froze, a deafening silence took hold. All eyes were again on the Princesses, all awaiting their next wise move. Luna hiccuped, she hadn't been that loud of awhile. As she did, her horn lit for just the briefest of moments. The other two alicorns giggled a little at her expense, causing a slight blush.
From the crowd, a single hoof pointed into the sky. "The sky is falling! The sky is falling!"
Heads snapped up, and they saw a single object descending from the heavens. Everypony broke into full blown panic, knocking over stalls and smashing windows to jump inside buildings. Twilight rubbed her face with a hoof, knowing this as the third time his week that one pony had railed everypony else up about the sky.
"Do not worry, Twilight," said Celestia, "I will handle this." She reached forth with magic and grabbed the falling object. "Now let us see what has everypony so excited."
"Rarity, we are ALL shaken; umm, except me of course! This thing just fell from the sky, and I caught it like a pro!"
Eight ponies stood in a ring, themselves surrounded by vigilant guards, and looked down at the creature before them that lay in a sizable hole. The panic crazed crowd had been calmed and sent home, the colt that caused said panic being given a firm talk from his father. The remaining ponies were discussing the strange thing, except for Twilight, who couldn't believe her eyes.
"No... this is impossible..." The others had fallen silent, all eyes on her. Twilight looked at each of her friends in turn before speaking. "It's a human."
"HOLD IT! We're doing the post Equestria Girls timeline? What about the old one?!"
"I said this story would be better, and to maximize this I believe we should take it from the latest canon.
"Yea, but, what about that new princess we had? Princess... something-or-rather? She was meant to be our villain!"
"She was a new born foal! Turning her evil was one of the stupidest things this story has done! Now shut it, it's time for me to show you how to truly use the situation to our advantage."
The ponies froze up completely and simply stared. The new silence was soon broken by a groan from below, a hand reaching up from out of the hole. The group shuffled back, the guards taking their place, as the tall human staggered to his feet. His vision cleared, and he surveyed the area around him.
What he saw, was all too familiar. "No, oh no, oh please HELL NO!" He turned to a panicked state, spinning in circles, his breathing growing heavy and eyes going wild. "No! Not this again! I knew it couldn't be a dream; the talking slinky, that new-born abomination, THAT SEX CRAZED UNICORN AND HER DAMN MENTOR!"
Suddenly, he stopped, realizing that this story should probably be told in first person. Ahh, much better. Then I, surrounded by the ponies that had caused me hell, confusion, and the last thing I had wanted to experience in Equestria standing before me, decided that enough of reality was broken already.
"Ya know what? YA KNOW WHAT?! I quit. Just, just please, go away and let me die!"
"I NEVER AGREED TO THIS!"
^\/^\/(*)\/^\/^ Several months later, Equestrian Medical Center for the Mentally Unstable ^\/^\/(*)\/^\/^
Doctors milled around, sorting paper work and shuffling through desks. Not one of them were particularly looking forward to this day, not many of us were, yet here we are. I'm sitting in the more open version of the room I was originally given after my 'breakdown', which was apparently caused by the impact to my cranium plus the added shock of meeting creatures completely unfamiliar to me.
That's the public report anyway. In all honesty, not a single one of us understands what happened. The trauma I went through was real all right, my memories had been proof enough of that as we had somehow projected them; much to the disgust of Celestia and Twilight.
I suppose a more detailed explanation of my current scenario and surroundings might be needed.
After I crashed, again, into Equestria soil, I was found by the six of harmony, as I have come to call them, and the twin stars. Hey, when bored and stuck in a thick padded room, you soon replace everything you once knew with other shit to keep occupied. Yes, they had me in a thick padded room. I flipped multiple metaphorical coffee tables and went into a mixture of spasms, explosive diarrhea, and R.E.M. And not the band.
Since then, I've been cared for in the E.M.C.M.U. My current room, given to me for good behavior and improved sense of self-awareness, was still fairly plain, and still bloody white, with the exception of a bed, small desk with quill and paper to record my thoughts, and even a vending machine! The vending machine was courtesy of Pinkie Pie for my birthday. How she found a human vending machine, or figured out my birthday, is still a guess. Oh yea, I'm sixteen now. Woop de-fucking-do.
Still, I'm now just watching through the window by the locked door as the doctors get ready for my release. I'm recovered at a very remarkable rate, with one exception.
"Yo! Anyone wanna play checkers?"
"No, none of us here want to play. Besides, where the hell did you even get checkers from?
"I'll play, if you play with me... ya know, I move one to your black, you move one to my pink!"
"Since when the hell did we have Lust?"
Yeah, from what the doctors say, the personalities that were effected over the 'event' were heavily damaged, and in repairing themselves grew distant. They also may have the effect of 'taking turns'. They wouldn't elaborate.
The door clicks and I look over. In steps the purple pimple that I've been waiting for, Twilight. Her expression is somewhat excited and evenly worried out of her mind.
"Mixed! Nice to see you again, are you doing well?" Ahh, my new name, Mixed Sundry. Apparently it suited the situation at the time. Alrighty.
"Oh, my dear, today in just gorgeous! The nice fellows out there even put up some pictures of the town!" Slapping myself and giving my head a shake, I correct my words. "Just... dandy. This whole 'takings turns' is taking a toll on me."
Twilight flinched at my slap, self-harm not a great start to my new freedom. "Well let's get going, please? We've got to get you settled into your home. It's placed right next to mine so I'll be there to help if you need it."
"With ten feet high fences, I'm guessing?"
Twilight tried to hide her slightly shocked expression, but I caught it. I also caught her quick glance down.
"So, what have you got to stop me running wild."
"Ahh," She lead the way out of the place I'd called home for so long, I watched ponies go in afterwards to pack my stuff and start shipping it out. "Well to start off we have a couple of guards around at all times, just in case, nothing serious, hehehehe."
If my mentality wasn't out of whack, they'd leave me to my own devices. But since I have this problem, I'm under more watch than the average world-leaders cellphone. Twilight wasn't speaking much, and I was fine with the silence. It gave me mental space, which was incredibly rare these days; so I took the opportunity to daydream. Mostly about home.
We finally left the white corridors of the Medical Center and into sunlight, where a small battalion of guards awaited us. I winched, and cupped my balls, remembering.
"I NEVER AGREED TO THIS!"
"He's crazy! Get him!"
"OOOOOOWWWWWwwww... my... balls...
"Ahh, Princesses? I think we killed it."
Yeah, great times.
"Hey, you see the one with that slight smirk? Bet it was that guy, ya should pay back the favor."
"I don't think so, I'm lucky enough that I'm being let-"
"Dude. You should pay attention more often."
"Huh?"
"He's attacking the private! Pin him, quickly!"
"I can't feel my children!"
"Owned, ya fucker!"
^\/^\/(*)\/^\/^ Ten minutes later ^\/^\/(*)\/^\/^
We arrived at my new home, one less guard and a few less of my teeth. It seemed quite homely and simple, painted brown to match the tree it was attached to and looks to have about four rooms. "Nish plashe."
